December 31, 2006 10:41pm

Happy New Year! It's the last few hours of 2006.

My biggest challenge with every new year is remembering to write a new number on checks.

Okay, I wasn't going to say anything......

but......

I had a date last night.

Yes, a real date. A real live date. Like the kind of date that real grown-ups go on. Not like in high school where someone says "Will you go out with me?" and it means that you are boyfriend/girlfriend, but no actual dating occurs right away. And not the kind of dating where you're friends for a long time and then suddenly have a long passionate kiss while fireworks go off in the background.

This was a real date with someone I don't know very well.

Eharmony dude #2 to be exact.

Before I go into the details, I just want to note that on Dick Clark's/Ryan Seacrest's New Years Rockin Eve, many people in Times Square are standing there holding these large, red phallic looking objects. WTF is up with that?

Anyway, now the good stuff....

We had talked on the phone a few times and we were both eager to meet in person for a while now. So we decided that Saturday would be the day. He offered to drive down near where I am in NJ (he lives about an hour and a half north of me in NJ), but I wanted to meet halfway because if I didn't like him I would feel bad that he came so far.

He mapped out where halfway would be and suggested that we meet at the Menlo Park mall in Edison, NJ. I met him at Barnes and Noble at 5:00 last night. He greeted me with a hug. I was starving, so we went next door to the Cheesecake Factory. Of course, it was an hour wait. That gave us time to talk, though. Conversation was great. He laughed at all my jokes. Asked lots of questions about me. Dinner was great.

Then we went for a walk in the mall and to get some coffee. Sat at Starbucks and talked for a while longer. We got kicked out when the mall closed. He walked me to my truck.

And he ain't a bad kisser either. :-)

Ok, he did say something really sweet. He said the he thinks I am a beautiful and amazing woman and he wants to get to know me better.

And, like I said, ain't a bad kisser either. I gave him one good one. He came back for 3 more, but just got pecks.

Oh I'm so good!

December 29th, 2006 8:18pm

Today was my mom's birthday. We got a limo, went to lunch at the Highlawn Pavillion, and took a trip down memory lane...errrr.....my mom's old neighborhood she grew up in. My two aunts came with us. It was a nice day.

So today I've been thinking about New Years resolutions.

My first is to stop binge eating late at night. That's when my anxiety level is the highest and I tend to binge at night on whatever crap I can get my hands on.

Number two: Don't be afraid to get help when I need it.

Number three: Be more assertive (that's what the therapist told me to say).

Number four: Go back to jujitsu class and let out some of that anger in a more productive way

Number five: pass my boards that I'm taking this summer.

I'm taking my board exam this summer. It's the first of three exams to get my license. It is in the best interest of all my friends to help me pass these tests because if I get my license I can write prescriptions!

Number six: Calm the fuck down! Stop worrying about stuff I have no control over. Stop worrying about tomorrow, or, as the therapist says, "Stop borrowing trouble."

I think that's enough for now.

December 28, 2006 1:33am

I hope everyone had a very very Merry Merry!

Mine was fabulous. Did tons of cooking. I had a blast. My family is apparently very picky when it comes to food, so with each course I got to hear "Oh, I don't eat that, but it looks good."

I should've shoved a salad fork up someone's ass.

That was the only bright spot. I hosted Christmas Eve dinner at my house so I got to use all the fancy utensils I had. Christmas Day was at my mom's, but I did the cooking there too.

I got a cuisinart food processor, a wusthof sankotu knife, some pajamas, and some gift certificates.

Now I have to start dieting because I ate too too much.

Being back in NJ makes me happy. I feel good right now. I feel like myself again. Ugh, I wish I could do the rest of this year from this house.

December 18, 2006 2:16am

Someone today told me that I should smile more. How does this look?

When I was a kid, I never showed my teeth when I smiled. The reason is because when I was in kindergarden, we got pictures taken at school and my grandmother didn't like how mine came out.

She didn't like them because my teeth were showing in the picture and she thought the pictures could be better. We went back to the photographer and he redid them. She even showed him a picture of me (taken by a photographer) from when I was 3. No teeth showing, but it was one of those smile/giggle smiles that you can really only do well when you're little.

I remember on our way over to the photographer, she reminded me over and over not to show my teeth in the picture. She made me practice a few times before we went just how I was going to smile.

The photographer didn't understand what was "wrong" with the pictures, but he retook them anyway. He kept telling me to smile bigger, but I was scared to because my grandmother was standing right there watching.

I had new, toothless pictures taken and all was well with the world.

Forever and ever after that, I always thought that teeth should not be shown in pictures. In fact, I thought they shouldn't be shown at all. Add to that the fact that I was very self conscious about the gap between my two front teeth. Whenever I smiled, I was always careful to keep my teeth covered. Sometimes I would slip up and smile really big, but then I'd remember the "no teeth" rule and retract it a bit.

But today, someone told me I should smile more often.

So here it is. What do ya think?

December 16, 2006 2:42am

The good, the bad, and the stuff I'm not sure about....

Let's start with the good: One more week of school and I'm done for Christmas break. I gave a lecture this week on Wednesday on disaster preparedness in hospitals. I did it at lunchtime. Had a lot of people there! I forgot how much I enjoyed doing that kind of work. Made me really happy to see so many people interested. It's been especially gratifying to have not only classmates, but also faculty come up to me and tell me how much they enjoyed it and how informative it was. And I wrote it all by meself! Well, mostly. I had some stuff left over from old lectures. But still, it was mostly me!

All of my Christmas shopping is done. I just have to wrap everything and I'm set.

I made an appointment to get my back "worked on" next week on Thursday by one of the docs from school. I've had chronic lower back pain since I was...oh...16. Went to an orthopedic surgeon, x-rays showed nothing, went to physical therapy. Nothing worked. I've just lived with it. It's always bad, but periodically gets worse. I haven't been able to sleep on my back in years. I can only sleep on my side with my hips flexed 90 degrees. If I stand up straight or sit up straight it hurts. The most comfortable position for me is curled in the fetal position, or (if sitting) shoulders slumped over so that my back is rounded out. This puts strain on my upper back...and a vicious cycle ensues.

Yes, yes, I know it isn't a very big deal and I shouldn't bitch. but I'm excited that I took the initiative to get some help with it. After a year and a half of osteopathy, I was able to diagnose myself. The pain has been getting worse the last few weeks so I'm excited to get it fixed!

The bad: Having a lousy night for no particular reason. Maybe I'm a little overwhelmed. I don't know. Been getting upset out of nowhere a lot lately.

Bachelor #1 turned out to be a little strange. Last time we spoke, he told me this story about his abusive father and how he would threaten the neighbors with a bat. And then how the dad shot a dog with a pellett gun one day for pooping on their lawn. I abruptly ended the conversation and haven't returned his 2 calls since. I feel bad, I really do, but I was just creeped out.

The stuff I'm not sure about: As much as I want to get out of here, I'm not sure how I feel about going home for christmas. Last Christmas, New Years, and the weeks after were just so shitty for me. I'm really not looking forward to reliving it.

I found a therapist in town. Well, I didn't find her, I was told about her. The first few therapists the shrink recommended to me were no good. The first only had office hours 1 day each week and I was in school during they time they were available. The next string of therapists were um...well...ministers. Now, I have no problem with ministers. If I was having a spiritual crisis, a priest or minister would be a logical place for me to turn. But this is different. I realize that they have training as therapists, but they do strictly faith based therapy. I'm sure that's just fine for some people, but I really don't want that. So, he told me about this woman in town. After procrastinating for a month, I finally called her. We played a bit of phone tag and actually connected today. I have an appointment for Monday afternoon. Not bad! While I know I won't suddenly be my normal stable self in 1 session, maybe she can give me some ideas of how to survive the following two weeks. :-/

I put this under the "not sure how I feel about it" category because I'm really not sure how I feel about doing this. It was hard enough for me to walk into the shrink's office. Then sitting in that waiting room thinking that I didn't belong there. Now I have to tell my story all over again to someone new, but she isn't going to hand me a bottle of pills so how am I going to feel any different?

And then there's Bachelor #2. Things with him are still going well. We've talked a few times on the phone and he emails regularly. Very sweet to always remember when I have a test and wishes me luck. He wants to get together when I'm home for Christmas.

And there is a plethora of men on match, but the ones I like don't like me and the ones who like me are....strange.

I don't get it.

December 3, 2006 2:08am

Call it "playing the field", call it "taking a chance", call it "wow, you're a pathetic loser". Call it what you may, but I decided to enter the online dating world.

Actually, I did it a while ago, I just didn't say anything.

My first venture has been into eharmony. The creepy guy on tv who owns it finally brainwashed me into shelling out the money for it.

It took me 3 days to fill out the 7000 question profile.

In the past two months since I've been on it I have been matched with over 300 people.

A large majority of them never bothered to pay for the service. This means that they can never actually communicate with me.

Of what was left, some closed me out because I am too far away (I am trying to find someone inNJ) and some closed me out for an unknown reason. I am assuming I'm just not hot enough.

From those that were left, I recently started communicating by email and phone with 2.

We will call them Bachelor #1 and Bachelor #2 for short.

Bachelor #1 seemed like a nice enough guy. We had quite a bit in common. He lived not too far from me. But.......he seemed a little....boring. Maybe he was just nervous the first few times we talked. Maybe he doesn't ALWAYS talk about the same things over and over. So we went out while I was home. Apparently, he DOES ALWAYS talk about the same topics over and over (military life, military history, and sci fi shows). I'm a sucker for a soldier, but even I can handle this. Then, when we spoke last night he started going on about these very strange stories about his father that just made me really uncomfortable. Got to cut that one loose.

Bachelor #2 I only talked to on the phone for the first time tonight. He is very bright, much less nervous than #1, has a good sense of humor, and he has the ability to switch between topics in a conversation. I didn't want to slit my wrists after 2 hours on the phone, so that was a good thing! He's had a very interesting life. Grew up in Egypt. Speaks 3 languages, has an MBA, wants to meet up while I'm home for Christmas.

I just keep reminding myself to keep an open mind and enjoy whatever good experiences come my way.

If I repeat that over and over enough I just might start to believe it.

November 27, 2006 1:08am

My sincerest apologies for not updating sooner. The renal system really kicked my ass and I was on lockdown studying every night. Then, I don't have wireless internet at home and I really can't me expected to sit at an uncomfortable desk and update my blog! Now that I have returned to WV I can properly update the blog from the comfort of my couch.

Now...without further delay.....

Oh yes folks, it's that time of year again!

MY BIG FAT THANKSGIVING DINNER

Once again, it was time for a festive Thanksgiving celebration at my uncle Ray's house. Ray has a stronghold on Thanksgiving because his in-laws insist on being in bed by 4pm. Therefore, we must have Thanksgiving dinner at 11:00am every year. There is no watching the Thanksgiving Day parade in my family, there is no afternoon of football, there is no collection of women in the kitchen complaining about their husbands. We sit down to dinner at 11:45am, quietly, with our legs crossed at the ankles. There is no music because that might disrupt someone's digestion. Conversation is limited to politics, work, or me.

Yes, I am the center of attention. Why? Well, because I am the youngest at the table by 30 years.

As such, I am still considered to be the child. This is now made even worse by the fact that I am no longer engaged so there is no husband in my immediate future. Therefore, I am a child and am treated as such.

In years past, the guest list was longer. It always included my parents, uncle ray and his wife, my aunt joanne and her husband, ray's decrepidly old in-laws, my grandmother, my great uncle, my great aunt, ray's wife's aunt, some really old friends of the in-laws, and a friend of my uncle's who he knew since childhood.

Typically, I was seated next to Erma, the incredibly old friend of the decrepidly old in-laws. She would always tell me that it was about darn time I stopped worrying about all this school non-sense and finally got myself a husband. "Men don't like smart women!" she would tell me. She also had very hairy legs for a woman in her 90's. You'd think that by then all hormonal activity would have stopped so body hair would no longer be an issue. She enjoyed telling us about her home health aid and how well this woman washed Erma's crotch.

Anyone want some gravy?

Erma died sometime in the past few years. One down!

The decrepidly old in-laws also kicked it somewhat recently. They were alcoholics, which as entertaining as that condition can be in young people it is twice as much fun in people who are over 80. As of they weren't unsteady enough on their feet, they would always end up sloshed before dessert. I think their true reason for wanting to be home before 4pm was that the DUI checkpoints don't start until at least 8.

Two more down!

Then there was my great aunt, my grandmother, and my father. All of them died in the past few years. Three more gone. That makes 6.

Of ray's in-laws....all of them and their friends are gone. That takes us down an extra 3. In total, nine dead.

That leaves my mom, ray and his wife, joanne and her husband, my great uncle, ray's friend Rich, and me. Eight people.

Nine dead. eight remain. More people have DIED in my lifetime than are still present at the Thanksgiving table.

But I'm a glass is half full kind of girl. You see, when we were a larger group, there wasn't really enough room for me. Since I was the "kid", I was always given a foot stool to sit on because there weren't enough chairs. This was a bit of a novelty for me when I was 9, 10, 11 years old but it quickly lost its appeal when I was 18, 19, 20 years old. I was much bigger than some of those old farts. One of the 90 pound grannies should have sat on the little stool. I need a real chair!

Then there was the silverware problem. There weren't enough regular dinner forks so I was always given a salad fork. I was forced to eat thanksgiving dinner with a salad fork. Why not just give me a spork and make it more challenging? After all, I have to balance my ass on a tiny little foot stool anyway. Give me an inapropriately small eating utensil, a foot stool to balance on, a fraction of a corner of the table to use and I'll give you my very own version of a Thanksgiving Cirque du soleil!

But we have lost so many over the years. No, surely, there will be enough room for me. I will finally get to eat with a real fork. I will finally have a real place at the table.

Nay.

I walk into my uncle's house to see that instead of the dinner table being set, it is instead the kitchen table that has been dressed with the giant ceramic turkey decoration and candlesticks.

It is a lovely kitchen table. It seats 6 people in a rectangle. There were exactly 6 places set. You see, for the past few years I have celebrated Thanksiving alone with the douche bag. I made a Thanksgiving dinner just for the two of us. Very romantic.

Well, apparently my family forgot that I am now the lonely spinster so I will be coming to family dinners again.

I was left out of the count. Forgotten. Dismissed. Ignored.

Never fear, there can always be extra room for another in our family!

Why not just move to the dining room? Well, that is complicated by the fact that their dining room is being redone so unless you can hover over furniture there is no way to even get into that room.

The footstool, my old friend, was brought out of the closet.

I did get to eat with a real fork this time, but I had to drink my wine out of a water glass because wine glasses come in sets of 6, not 7.

So I tried my best to enjoy dinner....

And then it started....

First it was my aunt, "Well, my friend Barbara's daughter got pregnant! and now she's living with the father of this child. What an embarassment!"

and her husband, "Well, that will never work. Living in sin, as well all here know, dooms a relationship."

I tried not to choke.

I looked at my mother, hoping she would change the subject and rescue me.

But before she had a chance, my great uncle decided it was time for his analysis of the world, "Well, ya know, those God damn n---ers just keep stealing from us. They can't be trusted, the n---ers. All f--s they are!"

I have never been so relived to hear him start that shit.

Before dessert, we had covered living in sin, unwed mothers, race relations (to put it nicely) and some reminiscing about all those who are no longer with us.

Happy holidays!

November 12, 2006 12:14am

I haven't been able to fall asleep like a normal person for months. I finally got some awesome stuff from the psychiatrist, but I need more.

Like a very responsible person, I called his office before I ran out. I listened patiently to the menu "push one for appointments....". I pressed 2 for prescription refills. I got an answering machine telling me to leave my information and the prescription will be called in. If I do not hear from them in 48 hours, that means the prescription was called in and I can go pick it up.

"Hello. My name is Elizabeth ------. Dr. E gave me Seroquel to help me sleep. Can you please have him refill my prescription at the Wal Mart pharmacy? I take 25mgs. My number is -------. Thank you."

That was Wednesday. Today is Saturday. I am out of drugs. I went to Wal Mart....no prescription. His office is closed and so I left a message with his answering service. Still haven't heard anything.

I will call again on Monday. This time, I might say something like....

"Hey. This is Bitchy Crazy Liz. I called last week. Never got my prescription filled. Never got a call explaining if there was a problem. Never heard anything from you. I haven't slept in several days. I think it is beginning to really have a negative....did you say something? Hello? No, I won't do that so stop asking me! I'm trying to leave a message. Now be quiet. Anyway, I was saying that I think my lack of sleep has been bad for my.... Okay, enough already! Stop interrupting me :::BEEEEEP::::"

Seriously. Why is it when I ask for help, I can't seem to get it?

I found an online depression support group. That has been interesting. Some of the people are similar to me. And then there are some who I think like being depressed. It's who they are. They like the attention. They live for chat rooms and chat room hugs ((((((((insert name of attention seeker here))))))))). They injure themselves and do impulsive crap like cut off all of their hair and then flip out if you say their trigger word in the chat room...which can be anything from sex to canary.

I guess I shouldn't be so judgmental, but I really feel like some of them don't bother to work or really take care of themselves because it requires effort- and it's difficult. Life isn't easy for anyone. Well, maybe it's easy for Paris Hilton, but it isn't easy for most people. You go to work and pay your bills as long as you're physicially able because it's the responsible thing to do, not because it's fun or easy. They can't handle the stress of real life and don't seem to want to even try to get over that. They're happier sitting at home and collecting a disability check or some sort of handout- all while complaining that they don't have any money or have a hard time paying for their meds. Or, even better, they go on and on about the new computer or camera or cell phone or mp3 player they just bought, and then bitch that they don't have the $100 a month that their medications cost.

Well shit. Maybe we should prioritize. That $500 camera you just bought would have gotten you 5 months of your meds. Maybe in those 5 months you could have found yourself a job and made some more money so you could continue to pay for the drugs. Or you might even get lucky and find a job with health insurance and a prescription plan. Hey, here's an idea...since you obviously have psychiatric issues that need to be handled- why not make it a priority to find a job with health insurance and prescription plan?

Oh, but don't take that the wrong way! I don't mean hold out for that absolutely perfect job. Don't use that as an excuse for not working. "I'm not working right now because I got laid off from my job 6 years ago and haven't found a job that is exactly the same as my old job, but pays more. So, obviously I can't go back to work until I find the ideal situation."

Then there are others who want to be better. They want to function like a "normal" person, but can't. They try, though. God knows they try every day. I admire that. Some are much worse off than I am and need much more support than I do.

I should learn to be more patient with people.

I'll start tomorrow.

November 11, 2006 1:24am

I'm doing much better, thank you.

I'm sure it has something to do with the 1/3 of a coconut custard pie that is sitting in my lap right now.

There is something sort of comforting knowing that I can eat 1/3 of a pie when a month ago I wasn't eating anything for days at a time. I feel like I'm making progress. Maybe next month I'll be able to down a quart of ice cream in one sitting.

Right around the age of 17, I started taking birth control pills because I had periods that lasted roughly 18 days. That was obviously unacceptable and the problem was taken care of.

One wonderful effect of the BCP's was that my acne finally cleared up.

Ever since then, I have had really nice skin. Yes, I don't mind saying it. I exfoliate regularly. I am obsessed with Clinique products. I have fabulously smooth and clean skin. I never ever have a breakout on my face anymore.

I specify "on my face" because it seems that pimples have found new and exciting locations to sprout up in. Some especially memorable ones: in my ear, on my butt, in the crease of my leg where my inner thigh meets the rest of my body, in my nose, on the back of my neck in my hairline.

Now, these aren't like the normal pimples I always got on my face as a teenager. These zits are massive and exquisitely painful. The ones in my nose even make it hurt to breathe.

All I have to say about this is... WTF? A zit in my ear? My EAR! It's an ear! Why does a zit feel the need to sprout up in my ear? What can it possibly accomplish? And the one in the crease of my leg? I was sure that was a tumor at first.

So how does one handle something like this? Is there a Clearasil made specificially for those persistent ass pimples? And how exactly can I get some Noxzema in my ear without causing hearing damage?

I swear, if it's not depression, it's poorly placed acne. I just can't win.

November 10, 2006 2:23am

This entry isn't going to make a lick of sense. Just think of it as one of those freestyle slam poetry things. Then it will be "artsy", not "incoherent".

So late. Can't sleep. Ran out of the awesome coma pills. Need to go to Wal Mart tomorrow. If my prescription didn't get called in as promised I'm going to be kicking some ass.

The later it gets, the worse I start to feel. I get more upset. Anxiety gets worse. Should I just tough it out, or go back to see the shrink? I don't want to walk around in a drugged haze. If I'm ok 90% of the time, shouldn't I just learn to deal with the remaining 10%?

Angry. Fucking angry.

And just shut up. Stop complaining. I"m tired of hearing your complaining. I'm talking to you, yes, you who is always moody over the dumbest little things. You who can't just accept what life has to offer and appreciate what you have in front of you. Stop complaining and do what you need to do to get through this.

Shit. I could be talking to myself.

I talk to myself a lot.

How am I supposed to get through this depressive episode alone?

November 5, 2006 9:43pm

Friday night I went out to the Bowling Alley/Bar with some friends.

Here are two things I learned:
1)Jagermeister = horrible, horrible hangover
2)I am not capable of socializing like a normal person.

The first needs little or no explanation. I wasn't even drunk on the stuff! The second.....

There were these two guys in the back of the bar playing pool beside us. I thought they were interested in Jess and Connie because, well, Jess and Connie are adorable and these guys were hot. Well, no it was me they wanted, or at least one of them did.

So, we got to talking. The especially hot one was named Thomas and he was a marine- now in the reserves. Works at a federal prison nearby. Very nice guy. Asked me about school and where I was from.

Then I freaked out. I went to the bathroom with Jess and burst into tears. Obviously, I'm not ready for this kind of situation and I fell apart. I went outside to get some air. Jess and Maria came out to calm me down. They offered to go tell him to back off, but I didn't want them to do that. I can handle my own problems.

We went back inside and Thomas hung out with us for the rest of the night. I danced with him. I think he could tell I was distancing myself from him, so he didn't ask for my number. When we left he turned to me and said, "Goodnight, beautiful girl."

I know. Let's all say it together, "Awwwwww".

It could have been much worse. He could have been drunk and vulgar.

So here was a perfectly nice guy and I couldn't handle it.

It's ok, I learned something about myself.

I've also never met someone in a bar before, so that kind of made me uncomfortable too.

But more importantly, I'm pissed at myself for becoming "that woman". That woman who cries in bars. That woman whose girlfriends have to help her fix her mascara. That woman who needs her friends to help her socialize because she can't seem to handle it herself.

Argh!

October 31, 2006 11:49pm

I went over to Maria's place tonight for dinner and to hang out with the girls before they went off to the halloween party (that I refused to participate in).

We had some interesting conversations.

Why to intelligent, attractive women stay in bad relationships that are doomed? Why set themselves up for problems? Why be with men who treat them so badly?

It makes me sad.

But somewhat comforted. At least I'm not the only one.

I know better now, though.

I've been getting to sleep every night and that has been just wonderful!

But the pills I have are 50mg and I take 25mg. This would be much easier if the pills were scored, but they aren't. so I end up with a little pile of dust and crumbs when I cut it. Then I'm trying to make a little pile of the dust and crumbs and figuring out the best way to consume it.

I look like a coke head with my little pile of white powder.

Tomorrow is another day.

October 25, 2006 11:17pm

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. I usually can't get to bed until 3 or 4 in the morning and even if I sleep for 12 hours I'm tired all day.

So when I went to see the psychiatrist yesterday I asked him what I should do. I assumed he'd give me Ambien or Lunesta or one of those nice drugs that have commercials on TV. Nope, he hands me some free sample boxes of something called Seroquel.

Seroquel is an anti-psychotic with an off albel use as a sleep aid. I was a little hesitant about taking it. He told me to take half a pill, which is 25mg. The "standard" dose, when used for someone who is schizophrenic, can be up to 400mg.

My little half of a pill practically put me in a coma. I had to crawl up the stairs to get into bed. Even when I got up this morning I couldn't walk a straight line.

That is some powerful shit! I can't imagine giving someone 400mg of that. It sure as hell would probably kill me!

Yesterday and today were okay days. Got work done. Well, a little at least. Haven't been feeling as awful as most days.

I'm frustrated with my memory and concentration. My head just isn't as clear as it used to be. Ever since this mess started for me, I really haven't been able to focus on anything.

I want my head back!

October 22, 2006 4:12am

Saturday was very bad.

Actually, as far as I see it Saturday is till here because I haven't gone to bed yet.

I don't know why this is happening to me. I don't know why I deserve this. I don't know why I have to be like this.

I want someone to put their arms around me and let me cry for as long as I want to- until I fall asleep and sleep and sleep until I can't possibly sleep anymore. Sleep and sleep without waking up in a panic. Sleep until I feel rested. Sleep without dreams.

Sleep.

Sleep in the comfort of my bed knowing that even if I did fall apart again I could just go back to sleep.

It's 4:20am. I want to throw up. I keep telling myself that this is all in my head, but my stomach does not seem to believe that.

My stomach, my legs, my chest. Nothing is operating properly. I'm angry. I want to be mean to someone who doesn't deserve it just so they can feel like I do.

Can't do that. That isn't me.

None of this is me. I don't recognize myself. I look in the mirror and am not sure who I am anymore. Tired. Clothes don't fit properly. Sickly looking.

This is crazy. I'm going crazy.

Lack of sleep isn't helping.

This is a nightmare. Maybe I am asleep and I am having a nightmare. Maybe the last month has been a nightmare. Or maybe the last year. The last ten years. Yes, that would be ideal. I'm going to wake up suddenly and realize I'm still 15 years old and everything is still wonderful and I'll know what to do and how to avoid mistakes and how to keep from getting hurt.

I want to wake up.

October 20, 2006 11:09pm

Ever just want to hit something?

Looking over my posts of the last few weeks, I think some explanation is necessary.

I've been sort of spiraling into what I like to think of as "my nutty episode" for months now. I've just finally hit bottom.

I found a psychistrist in town. The official diagnosis is "Major Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder." I like having a label for what's happening to me. It lets me put this part of my life into a nice little box so that one day I can look back on it and refer to it as the "Major Depression and GAD of 2006."

It's really hard to describe it without sounding sorry for myself, or being irreverant like a Nora Ephram book.

I think the low point- the absolute low point was when I was just decompensating for absolutely no reason. This was happening every day and multiple times in each day. There wasn't even something specific that would trigger it. I would just go from normal to totally inconsolable- crying, screaming- in a few seconds.

It got so bad that when I wasn't having an episode, I was worrying about when the next one would happen. I always managed to not embarass myself in public. I was able to hold it together just long enough until I could be in the car or back at my place.

Logically, I should have just called someone to talk to, but in that moment it felt like there was nobody in the world. It ended in me sitting on the floor with a blanket in the dark, saying to a dark room, "Somebody please help me."

It's better now since I went and got some help. I don't have the daily meltdowns.

I can't really explain or even understand why this happened to me. Maybe it's years worth of stuff catching up to me. Maybe it's a combination of random crappy stuff and stress.

I just want it to be over. I'm very impatient when it comes to my health.

October 19, 2006 10:39pm

I'm pissed at myself for not enjoying my life more.

Things aren't that bad, so I shouldn't feel the way I do.

It's lonely here.

Go back to see the dr next week. Not sure what to say. Am I better? Sort of? Not melting down like I was, but not particularly happy.

This isn't supposed to happen to me. I'm tough as nails. I can handle anything.

Guess not.

October 17, 2006 3:12pm

I have a friend who is afraid of spiders. Not in the way that most girls are afraid of spiders, though. She is only afraid of the huge ones that are in her apartment.

Last week one night, she called me because there was a spider she had been trying to kill, but couldn't. The fear of the spider overwhelmed her so much that she was in tears.

I started to realize that fears, regardless of what they are of, are very real. Her fear of spiders is as real as my fear of failure and loneliness. It's a paralyzing fear that can't be overcome with rational judgment. If it were that easy, I could just give myself a pep talk and move on.

So when my mother (who, incidentally, was here all weekend) says things like, "Well, you just need to stop thinking so negatively and accept that things don't always work out the way you plan." I get really frustrated because it isn't as simple as just stopping negative thoughts.

That's like saying to an alcoholic, "So just quit drinking if you know it's bad for you."

It sounds easy to anyone who isn't there. And it doesn't make a damn bit of sense to someone who isn't there.

Actually, it doesn't make any sense to me either.

At least I can admit to being irrational.

I have a need to keep control over things in my life. I have a need to plan my life out in 10 year blocks.

I feel like if I don't do that then everything will just be a huge mess.

Maybe life is a mess anyway.

How can I plan my life out for the next 10 years when I have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow? I could get a brain tumor and then the next 10 years are totally irrelevant.

Frustrating.

October 12, 2006 11:39pm

Good days and bad- seems to be the story of my life these days.

My mom is coming tomorrow to stay for the weekend. It will be nice to have some company.

Today is a rough day, not sure why.

Decided to take a "mental health day" and stay home.

Watching the Food Network right now.

I want to cook for someone. Want to come over?

October 10, 2006 4:14pm

One of the benefits of having a total life meltdown is that you lose your appetite and lose 10 pounds.

The down side is that none of the clothes fit properly now. I had to go and get some belts, but that just makes my pants bunch up because of the extra material.

I haven't decided yet if I want to try and gain the weight back, or keep it off.

Decisions decisions.

I have pertussis, or at least I think I do. More commonly known as "whooping cough". I had what I thought was a bad cold a few weeks ago and now I am left with a horrible, spasmotic cough that gets worse at night.

It's been a fun few weeks.

October 8, 2006 10:46pm

Feeling better tonight. Not sure why. Just have a more positive outlook on things.

It seems like forever until I get to be home again for good. I wish I could speed it up a little.

Anyway, that's all I have to say for tonight. I'm a little sleepy. I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm doing better. :-)

October 4, 2006 9:59pm

Thanks to all for your kind words and support.

The rut I'm in isn't all related to Mike. That's only a small part of it. It's a year's worth of crappy things that are finally all catching up with me.

It's a combination of anxiety and depression that I'm just now really starting to feel. I've probably had it most of my life to some degree, but the circumstances of the past 9 or 10 months have really made it worse.

My heart starts racing, my chest feels like it's going to cave in, and for a few hours I feel like nothing will ever be good again. No relationship, no friendship, nothing will ever be good because I will always always keep getting hurt. Then it passes and I wait in fear of the next episode.

I'm working on getting it under control now.

Not easy, though.

October 3, 2006 8:08pm

I'm starting to become one of "those women".

One of those women who looks at herself in the mirror and thinks she's just too ugly to love. One of those women who thinks she'll never be happy. One of those women who is sure she'll be alone for the rest of her life.

I hate being one of those women.

It's turning me into a paranoid psycho who can't deal with normal life.

This is not me. This is not the person I have always been.

But maybe that's because I had something in life that gave me some sense of security.

Seriously, what is so wrong with me? What makes me so horrible to be with? You'd think men would be all interested in me...I'm going to be a docto, I have a house, I don't demand a whole lot of attention, I can buy my own jewelry.

Yet they seem to be more interested in the chick with the skinny nose at the bar who is wearing the corset and tight jeans and giggles a lot.

Maybe it's an age thing?

How can the same thing happen to me twice in one year?

Am I cursed?

Just unlucky?

When will it turn around?

October 1, 2006 9:22pm

I have never slept so much or so hard as I have these past two days.

Getting some help with the anxiety.

Went out Friday night. I had a good time. Actually, I was surprised that so many people were happy to see me out.

I've lost some weight over the past few weeks from not eating.

I'm starting to shut down, which isn't good either.

Also getting a cold.

September 29, 2006 9:58am

For the past few weeks I have been having crippling anxiety attacks that have only been getting worse by the day.

This used to happen to me a few times a year and was usually associated with something really stressful- like exams or applying to med school.

2007 has been the worst year of my life. In comparison with some awful things that can happen to people, I guess it's been more on the level of life-changing and emotionally devastating, but not insurmountable.

Anyway, it's just been getting worse and worse to the point that when I'm not having a meltdown, I'm worrying about when the next one will happen.

I finally told Mike about it last Thursday. He felt terrible. He felt responsible- which he isn't. This is me. My own deamons, I guess. He's been going through some of his own personal issues, so I delayed dumping it all on him for a while. He talked with me for over an hour. I made him late for work, but only because I didn't know he was on his way into work when I called. I had been calling him throughout the week and tried a few text messages to get his attention, but he wasn't getting some of my calls or messages. apparently his phone had been cloned and when that happens one misses some of their calls. He was going to go to Verizon first chance he got to get it all taken care of.

He told me not to feel so alone and he completely understands how I feel. I can't just keep swallowing my emotions because that's what he does and it doesn't work. Before he hung up, he told me he loves me and that even though he's been dealing with his own problems, he wants to get himself better so he can be of more use to me.

Sounds great, right?

Then, as of Saturday afternoon his cell phone number is not in service and I have no other way to reach him- besides maybe go to his house which isn't an option. Oh, there's email so I sent one of those, but he hasn't read it yet. He rarely gets to a computer so that doesn't surprise me terribly.

WTF? This is just the shit I need right now. I've decided that either 1) He decided to ditch the phone and get a new number because it was cloned and it was a convenient way to get away from me to not tell me his new number 2) His service was suspended by Verizon so that they didn't have to keep paying for the internaltional calls the cloner was making and he didn't set up a new number yet 3) #2 happened, he has a new number, but he's in such a bad head space he needed to disappear for a while.

#3 worries me because that means he's hurting and he isn't good at reaching out to people.

#1 scares me because it's eerily familiar in that someone tells me on a thursday that they love me and life is dandy, and by saturday the phone is disconnected and they've moved.

Not much luck finding a shrink out here in the mountains either. The one in town I called can't see me until the end of october and the receptionist was more interested in getting my insurance information than in finding a way to get me in earlier.

For some reason, the people I care about are always hurting me. It may not always be intentional, but it's happening anyway.

Which is making me having some very intense trust issues. If this is what my life is going to be like- why bother ever getting close to anyone- friends, family, whatever. It's just going to end up destroying me.

September 23, 2006 11:16am

BBM made some good additions to my list in comments.

That reminds me of two more.....

When a doctor prescribes something for high cholesterol, high blood pressure, heart disease, kidney problems, or whatever chronic issue one may have, do not stop taking the pills as soon as that problem is under control.

I'm always amazed when I hear a patient say, "Well, now that my cholesterol is better, can I stop taking the medicine and go back to the way I used to eat?" This is not poison ivy. It doesn't just "go away". If you're better it's because the drugs worked so keep taking them!

Another fun one is not finishing a bottle of antibiotics because you feel so gosh darn great after taking it for a week, why bother for two weeks? After all, the only reason they give you extra pills is so that the doctor's office can make more money on your next visit when you get sick again and need another prescription, right? Wrong. If you don't take everything in the bottle, you might have more bacteria hanging out in you- laying low for the right moment to multiply into crazy monsters that are now immune to whatever you tried to kill them with the first time.

And no, you can't give the rest of your pills to your friend Ethel, I don't care how close her symptoms are to yours. You might kill Ethel and then how would you feel?

September 22, 2006 11:13pm

Another weekend...

Still no Stud.

Had a really nice talk with Mike the other night. I hope he's able to come and visit soon.

Tonight, I'm thinking about how tired I am of people at my school complaining. They complain about everything- the bathrooms, the administration, the length of our lectures, the amount of material we have to learn, questions on tests, length of tests, time allowed on tests, when tests are given. ENOUGH ALREADY.

Two years ago when we were all applying to medical school and were just hoping that someplace, any place would take us I bet there were no complaints then. If someone said, "Okay, you can go to medical school, but you have to sit on a wooden bench during lectures for 10 hours each day. You can't ever bring a cushion. You are allowed only one meal of beans and rice daily. You must sleep on a straw mat. these are the conditions, take ir or leave it." Oh I'm sure plenty of them would take it just to be able to be in medical school. Now that they're here- they bitch and moan and complain constantly.

SHUT UP. I'm so tired of people thinking they know how to run a school better than anyone else. That medical students think they know what they need to know and how it should be presented because years and years of medical education obviously hasn't worked. No, we've been producing nothing but horrible doctors in this country. Nobody knows anything. Look at poor Angelina Jolie. She had to go to a 3rd world country to deliver her baby because there weren't any hospitals capable of handling her pregnancy here.

We have some of the best medical care in the world available in this country. And how did we get to that point? That's right, by having people go to medical school, sit on their ass, hear a lecture, and LEARN SOMETHING.

Stop running your mouth and open a book.

Jeez!

On a related note, I get really frustrated when I hear people say "doctors don't know anything". This is usually said by someone who has been to see their doctor complaining of a cough for 6 weeks and the exact cause of it is unknown...therefore making the treatment elusive. The same goes for any other non-descript symptom such as "fatigue", "rash", "flu-like symptoms", and "It hurts here."

It's not that doctors don't know anything. The reason it takes so long to diagnose some people is because there is a shit load of diseases that can cause problems like this. After you eliminate the immediately life-threatening or disabeling, it gets harder and harder to figure out what to do.

Then there are the people who have totally bizarre diseases. They usually end up on a tv show on TLC or on the Discovery Health channel. It makes every doctor who treated them look like a total fool because they try to diagnose and treat them with the more common ailments. Finally, after years and years they go to a specialist somewhere on the other side of the country who diagnoses them immediately as having a rare, strange disease that less than 1,000 people have in the entire country. It also just happens that this person has devoted their career to researching this one disease. They look like a genius, and the poor internist they saw 2 years ago who has never even heard of this problem looks like an idiot.

Not very fair.

When you hear hoofbeats, think horses not zebras.

So if you have a fever and chills and the dr tells you that you have a virus- go home, drink fluids, take tylenol, and rest it is because that works for most people. Sorry if it doesn't work for you, but don't expect anyone to start testing you for rare diseases with unusual presentations just because you think you're so special that you must have something different. While it isn't nice to bring up money, it is a reality and it's just to expensive to order lots of tests on people when it is unlikely that they have something other than the flu.

And one more thing! I know it's our responsibility as your care provider to ask the right questions, but please try to give all the information you can- even if it doesn't seem relevant at the time. For example, "I've had a headache for two days." Might make me think stroke in someone who is over 50 and had high blood pressure. But, if they kindly mention, "The headache started when a brick fell on my head." I can save mayself and them a lot of panic and unnecessary procedures. I know lots of things don't seem relevant, but it doesn't hurt to mention them. Let the Dr decide if it is important or not. If nothing else, it makes for an interesting day. I love a good story!

September 19, 2006 12:00am

Still haven't found The Stud yet. I'm evaluating my options.

I should probably wait until I'm done with school, or at least until I'm back home. There isn't much of a support system here and I think child care would be an issue.

I don't know if I'm 100% serious about this. Maybe more like 85%. I'm always open to new ideas and suggestions, though.

I want out of here. I want a more settled life.

September 17, 2006 6:08pm

Feeling less angry and much better today. :-)

I don't know what gets into me sometimes. Sometimes I'm angry with him. sometimes I feel sorry for him. One consolation is that he has put himself in a ponition to be with someone who lies and manipulates. She got into his head (not much of a challenge) and told him her divorce was finalized....um, a whole 3 weeks after she decided to leave her husband with no notice. Not possible (at least not in NJ).

At least I'm not dating someone who is still married.


Did I mention in another post that I want to have a bunch of kids, but no husband? Well, I am currently beginning my search for the man who will be the father of my bastard children...hencefourth to be called "The Stud".

I only want one Stud. Multiple Studs is far too complicated for me. Too much to keep track of. It's okay if The Stud and I are together. It would be nice if he wanted to be involved in the lives of his bastard children, but I don't expect any kind of financial contribution since I'll be doing well enough on my own. That part would be voluntary. He should be smart and good looking because I sure would hate to have dumb, ugly children!

My sister suggested a sperm bank. Strangely enough, you can order sperm from a sperm bank online! Just go through the catalogue, put in your credit card number, and UPS will send you a spermsicle in a few days.

I don't really like this option, though. Since I want my bastard children to all have the same father, I'd have to stockpile the entire supply from that one guy. And really, where does one keep something like that? I don't even like keeping meat in my freezer for more than a month.

The other problem is that I won't actually know this person. All I will know about them is their eye and hair color, heritage, and what field they work in. They could be very weird looking or have some major personality flaw. I'm not willing to swim in a gene pool like that.

Should I put an ad in the paper for applicants? Should I start by asking men I already know? So many decisions to make!

September 16, 2006 1:12pm

One more thing-

I think the reason that I mentioned DB is because that fuckin "Lips of an Angel" song is on all the time.

I hate, hate, hate that song with every fiber of my being.

Probably because I lived it, but from the other side. I was the girl on the other side of the door who didn't have a clue. I was the one being his from. I was the one being played for a fool.

I keep replaying that night over and over in my head. The night she showed up at the house demanding to see him. I should have thrown him out right there. I should have given him one hour to pack as much shit up as he could and get the hell out then, changed the locks in the morning.

But I didn't. I don't know why now. Maybe I wasn't strong enough to actually do it. Maybe I didn't want to believe any of it. Maybe I was too embarassed to have to tell people what happened and ignoring it seemed like a better option. Maybe I wasn't willing to give up on an 8 year relationship and an engagement that quickly.

Hindsight is 20/20. I could have and should have handled it differently. I should have kicked ass that night, but I didn't. I'm pissed that chance is gone and I won't get to redo it and get the upper hand.

I don't know what would make me feel better. Revenge? Justice? Getting the money back that is owed to me? Any of those would be a start, but probably wouldn't fix the damage that was done.

September 16, 2006 1:01pm

Saturday!

I love Satudays!

I've been kind of a lazy mess for the past two days. Haven't done a whole lot of school work, but I did manage to go grocery shopping, do laundry, mop the kitchen, and vacuum the first floor- so I guess that's progress.

Mike called me last night unexpectedly. I know I haven't mentioned him lately, but all seems to still be well there. I say he called unexpectedly because Fridays and weekends are usually busy for him at work so I normally only hear from him during the week. Anyway, it was a nice surprise. He's been having a tough time lately with some things and he sounded like himself again for the first time in a long time.

He's working out a time to come visit me. That would be nice.

I still have a hard time with how different my life is now than what I thought it would be. Even stranger for me is to be with Mike. Sometimes I actually feel guilty- like I'm doing something wrong. Maybe because we always had feelings for each other for so long, but never could act on them.

One thing that does make me feel better is that I didn't have to lie or cheat or deceive to be with him. Unlike the douche bag I was supposed to (barf) marry, this just happened because it was supposed to right now. I didn't have to hurt anyone to get here.

I still have angry moments over DB. I want him to hurt like I did. Most of all, I want him to understand that what he did was wrong. I don't think that will happen, though, because he doesn't think things on his own. Unless someone tells him it was wrong he will never see it himself. His family won't tell him because his psycho child-like mother is just happy to have her baby boy back home where he belongs that it never occurs to her she raised him to be emotionally 5 years old just like her. His father just stays out of the mess. His friends don't have enough character or backbone to tell him the truth.

I should get back to studying, or maybe I'll go for a walk and enjoy this beautiful day!

September 14, 2006 11:57am

Two days off from school..... so nice! No particular reason for the break, we just don't have classes today or tomorrow.

I have a friend back home who is sick. I've mentioned it before in here. He reads this blog so he knows I'm talking about him.

Anyway, I met him when I started working for him. It's because of him that I figured out what I really want to do as a career. It's because of him that I was able to do the really cool things I did. It's because of him that I feel confident that I'm actually good at something.

And now he's sick and I can't do a thing about it. It's frustrating because when someone has done so much for you (even if they don't know it), you want to return that somehow.

Me hurrying up and becoming a doctor isn't going to help much either so saying, "Well, you'll be a doctor and can help him." isn't a very logical answer though it is well intentioned.

Today is his birthday and he's in the hospital getting more chemo. I can't imagine spending my birthday like that. I know how bummed I was this year to spend my birthday not doing much of anything here, but I really have nothing to complain about.

If you want to know the rest of the story, his link is Local Rapscallion- it's on the right side of this screen also.

September 10, 2006 9:03pm

I'm tired of being here.

By "here" I mean a million miles from anything and anyone that matters to me. Well, not entirely true, I do have friends here, but for the most part I'm far from everyone I love.

Not that being "there" would help anything.

I'm just not much help to anyone.

September 7, 2006 9:06pm

WHEN BAD PEOPLE HAPPEN TO GOOD TATER TOTS
I tried to make tater tots for dinner tonight. I wanted them to be really crispy so I put them in the broiler.

Unfortunately, I didn't hear the timer go off and by the time I went downstairs, there was already a smoke condition in the kitchen.

This would be nothing more than an annoying incident if I hadn't just done the same thing to a tortilla yesterday. Not only did I kill the tortilla, but I also killed the toaster oven.


Two days of burnt food has given my apartment quite a smoky odor. Any idea how to get it out?

I've been leaving the windows open and running the AC as much as possible just to keep air circulating.

I hate this smell. It even made its way upstairs. The clothes I'm wearing now are covered in it...probably because this is what I was wearing when I pulled the flaming tots out of the oven and threw them in the garage.

This just hasn't been my week.

I keep oversleeping stuff. School, jujitsu, life in general. I can't seem to get enough sleep no matter how many naps I take.

September 4, 2006 9:21pm

Went in another cave with Georgina today. Here are some pictures...




This is Georgina sliding down the rocks because they were covered in slippery clay.


There were some pretty amazing formations in there.

And yes, that is a bike helmet. We wore them to keep from getting our heads whacked while getting through the tiny entrance....

Yes, I slid my fat ass through this.

We went down pretty deep, but I checkened out when it got particularly steep. Maybe if we had more people with us I would have been more comfortable with it. There was a waterfall somewhere down in there. I could hear it. Georgina said there is a room where people made gargoyles out of the clay that settled. Maybe I'll get there next time.

On the way back up, I became incredibly tired. I don't know if it's just being out of shape or if I was dehydrated, but I really didn't think I was going to make it. I just couldn't get enough air and my heart was racing. It was a very uncomfortable and scary experience.



Right now I am watching Wife Swap. Friends, why didn't any of you love me enough to introduce me to this chocolate covered ball of crazy goodness called Wife Swap?

Wife #1: Teacher, waitress, mom of 3.
Wife #2: Stay at home mome of 2 who homeschools her children.

On the surface this doesn't seem so bad. Wife #1 is a teacher so the homeschooling thing should be a snap. Wife #2 has been teaching her kids so she should be able to handle the classroom for a few days and every mom is a waitress to some degree.

Well, not quite. The catch is that Wife #2 is obsessed with the middle ages. She makes her family dress like court jesters, kings, princesses. Her "homeschooling" lessons include shoe making and medieval dance. Both are skills that I was sorely lacking when I got to college....and it showed!

So Wife #1 is awesome and she went into Family #2 to Reg-U-Late. She's got those kids back in real school, making friends, and got rid of the dungeons and dragons crap. Wife #1 isn't really getting the picture. Oh, she made them all eat dinner together which was nice.

I love seeing crazy families on TV. I especially like to see crazy women. Passive women are my favorite because they rile me up to no end.

Septemebr 2, 2006 11:09pm

To quote Jenny from Forrest Gump, "I have a virus."

Not the kind she had, though. I have a cold virus.

When I was a kid, I got colds all the time. I missed a lot of school. As I got older I managed to avoid them more and more. When everyone else around me would be sneezing, I'd be feeling great. The trade off is that when I do get sick I get horribly and miserably sick.

I woke up this morning and felt horribly and miserably sick. Tired, no energy, slightly nauseous, and sneezing uncontrollably. Why is it that when you sleep your nose doesn't run?

The mucus. If only the mucus would stop!

Around 10 tonight I decided I had to get out of here and get some things to improve my condition. So off I went to Wal Mart in search of Zicam, a body pillow, lip balm, and a thermometer.

This is where I'm going to mention how much I hate Wal Mart. My dislike of Wal Mart has nothing to do with how they pay their employees, health insurance, or anything else that gets most people all worked up. I hate it because I can never find anything I need there. If I go in for no marticular reason, I can find lots of stuff I want. But if I dare go in there with a list I can be sure almost nothing will be crossed off, or I'll spend an absurd amount of time trying to find what I'm looking for.

Tonight was one of those nights and I was NOT in the mood.

I should also mention that Wal Mart in Lewisburg, WV attracts some interesting characters after dark. I could walk around with Smith's Book of Human Malformations and make at least two dozen diagnoses.

But I digress. I didn't realize how lousy I felt until I realized I was actually using the cart to hold myself up. Not a good start. I head over to where the bedding stuff is to look for my body pillow. There is usually a large basket of them in the middle of the aisle. Tonight, however, it seemed to have been replaced by baby formula. No body pillows anywhere.

Then I went to the medicine area to find my Zicam and thermometer. Found the Zicam, but no thermometer. I walked up and down the aisles, but nothing. I asked someone. They went and asked someone else. Nobody knows where the thermometers are.

Headed back to the pillows area, determined to not strike out twice.

Asked for help. Nobody knows what happened to the body pillows either.

At this point I have spent far too much time in Wal Mart. I feel awful and am annoyed that I couldn't get what I needed.

Off to the checkout.

There are 19 checkout aisles in this Wal Mart. They have 2 open and the line is 5 deep at either one.

I finally get to pay and the lady does a double take when she looks at me and says, "Oh, wow, you look awful!"

Well, shit, compared to what? The freaks walking through here? I'm the only person (male or female) who isn't wearing a shirt that exposes their belly. I'm not wearing anything with holes or with camouflage. I bathed less than 12 hours ago. I have all of my teeth. I walk with a normal gait. I don't have any bizarre skin disease. My head and face are not dysmorphic. All of these features distinguish me from the other people there tonight.

And I look AWFUL?

August 27, 2006 8:47pm

I want a dog. I'm not a big fan of cats, mostly because of the severe allergic reaction I have whenever I am near one. Someone at school was giving away 5 puppies; half black lab, half german shepherd. i wanted one so badly I actually cried when I got in my truck and drove away and didn't have one with me.

My landlord won't let me have a pet, or I would now be the proud owner of two half lab half shepherd puppies named Miles and Coltrane, or Fred and Ginger depending on the sexes.

Thinking about dogs makes me realize how much I prefer dogs to people.

And that makes me realize how much I don't want to get married.

I sort of grew into the idea of getting married the longer DB and I were together. Maybe it's the break-up, maybe it's just me realizing I'm better off unmarried. Either way, I just really hate the idea of getting married. I know it works for a lot of people, but I just don't see it working for me.

This doesn't mean that I don't want to have someone in my life or have kids and a family of my own one day. It just means I really don't think I need to get married to have that.

I brought this up with my mom tonight. The conversation went like this:
Me: I really hate the idea of marriage. I just don't ever want to get married. It seems like a very co-dependent thing to be involved in.
Mom: But if you want to have children, being married makes it easier.
Now, there is some irony here because I think that my mother being married to my father actually made my life as a child much harder than it had to be. But I digress....
Me: You don't HAVE to be married to have kids.
Mom: Well, yeah, but, um, that's kind of, um, weird.
Me: It's only weird if you have no idea who the father is. That's very different from just not being married to him.
Mom: ::silence::

If I was pregnant, that would have been an awesome intro to that bombshell.

Maybe my thoughts on this will change one day, but I don't see that happening any time soon.

Oddly enough, I do want a family very much. My poor mother. She tries so hard not to flip out when I make decisions she doesn't agree with. The rest of my family isn't quite as accepting.

On a totally unrelated note....I want ice cream right now. I have some Breyers French Vanilla in the freezer. I have to say that I do not like it at all. It tastes sticky. Not refreshing. I'm off to find some plain ice cream that will melt nicely into an ice cream soup.

August 24, 2006 11:50pm

4 Days closer to being 30.

That's how I'm going to measure my life.

Today's thoughts are on laundry. I love doing laundry. In fact, I have what I like to call a "laundry lab" here. I have the detergent, bleach, oxyclean, stain stick, fabric softener all line dup on top of the dryer. I add carefully measured amounts of these things to my loads of laundry. There's something very satisfying about putting things in that are dirty and having them come out clean.

You can change the way your clothes smell just by changing your detergent. Think about how amazing that is. Think about the people you love the most. Don't they have a certain smell? Sometimes it's from their laundry detergent. You can give yourself a completely different smell just by switching to a new detergent!

I have a friend whose laundry smells so good. I think it's Tide, but I can't duplicate it exactly. Every time I'm around him I breathe deeply because he just smells so darn good! And I know it's his clothes because he has a clean laundry smell. Then everything he touches in my house has that smell and i love it. I become a psycho and start sniffing throw pillows.

I really love laundry.

August 20, 2006 11:23am

Today is my 25th birthday.  For the first time in years, I actually want to make a big deal about my birthday.  Maybe it's because I'm trapped at school and can't really do much to celebrate. 

I am going to lunch with a friend today, so that's something. 

I don't like being 25.  I thought I would have more accomplished by now.  I know that sounds absurd, but I really thought I'd be further along in my life.  I thought I'd be more settled with a job and just general lifestyle. 

A lot of that changed this year and was beyond my control.  I hate when other people don't understand my plans! 

August 18, 2006 11:57pm

Pizza makes me thirsty.  Not just normal "Hey I ate something salty so I need a cold drink" kind of thirsty, but more like "I have stopped producing antidiuretic hormone and I need a constant flow of liquid into my body" thirsty.

I had three slices of pizza for dinner tonight and have since finished off 3 Quarts of unsweetened iced tea.  Let me tell you.... I am a peeing fiend!  I just can't help myself. 

I don't think this is normal.  I feel like I should be able to handle my salt a little better. 

This summer I had abnormally high blood pressure.  After a million tests, I was told that it was probably due to stress and anxiety and I needed to just relax more. Just as quickly as it got high, it went back to being quite low.  When it was high I didn't know and didn't care.  Now that it's low, every time I stand up I instantly get dizzy and my heart pounds so hard I think it's going to jump out of my chest.  I would worry about this, except in school today I learned that this is a normal reaction as long as it lasts just a few minutes.  It does.  It's called "reflex tachycardia".  What happens is that all my blood falls down in my body because of gravity and my heart tried to pump faster to get more of it to my brain. 

Yay for my heart looking out for my brain's best interest. 

But none of this is related to my thirst issues. 

When I don't eat salty food I don't get thirsty.  Sometimes it will be 3 or 4 in the afternoon before I realize I haven't had anything to drink.  I live in a constant state of dehydration and, therefore, low blood pressure. 

I read one of BBM's posts on how she drinks milk with every meal and something clicked in my head "that sounds yummy".  So now I am addicted to drinking organic milk with every meal...except pizza because that doesn't sound yummy at all. 

August 16, 2006 11:39am

Why are people so afraid of the word "dead"?  I don't mean having a fear of death, I mean fear or dislike of saying the word "dead".   What is with this "passed away" bullshit?  If something or someone is dead then dead is what they should be called.  The only things that are passed are tests and gas. 

When my dad died I remember calling my sister and saying the words "Daddy died."  There was no question of what happened.  He was dead.  No longer alive.  Ceased to be.

Even in medical school they tell us that if a patient dies and we are informing the family we should clearly say, "I'm sorry, but they died."  We aren't supposed to say "I'm sorry, but they passed away."  or "They passed on."  Also to be avoided are the cruder "kicked the bucket", "bought the farm", "paid the piper", etc.  We are supposed to say the word "dead" because it's real.  It doesn't sugar coat it.  There's no room for interpretation. 

So why is it in general conversation we say "passed away"?  I believe in heaven.  Some people don't.  But even if you do, the person is still dead.  It's their spirit that lives on, but their body is most decidedly dead. 

I want to start a movement to bring back the word "dead".  Don't be afraid of it. 

August 14, 2006 12:46pm

Back at school.

I really don't want to be here.  Everything is just annoying me.  People.  Heat.  General life.  I'm just irritated by it all. 

My mom came down this weekend and helped me settle in.  She cleaned my apartment for me and made it livable. 

Today is my frist day back in class. 

I feel somewhat like an outcast, and I'm not entirely sure why. 

I'll try to say more later.

August 5, 2006 10:06pm

Calling all parents or people who were once children.......

I'm trying to find a kid's book that I remember.  Don't know the title, though.

The story is about a bear and a doll that live on the same shelf in a store.  Nobody buys them and they become really good friends.  One day, a little boy buys the bear and a little girl buys the doll and they go to different places, but are happy in their new homes.

Sucks, I know.  I would make my mom read it to me over and over in hopes that the ending would change.  It didn't. 

Any idea what the title is?  I must find this book!!


I continued my movie marathon today.  Match Point actually wasn't so bad, but I can add it to the list of movies that have no real ending.  I can also add Broken Flowers to that list and possibly even put it at the top since every conflict in the story line went completely unresolved. 

August 3, 2006 9:29pm

After my attempts at going to the the beach today were hampered by the heat, I decided to make a movie day.  I headed over to blockbuster and rented just about anything I could get my hands on that I hadn't already seen or was totally uninterested in.

After several hours of movie watching, take-out from Surf Taco, and many glasses of iced tea I can safely say I have seen two of the worst movies ever made:
1) Domino
2)Aeon Flux

That's about 4 hours of my life that I'm never going to get back. 

July 30, 2006 10:59pm

My summer vacation is quickly coming to a close. 

What I've learned this summer:

1)Don't count on other people, deal with crap yourself.
2)Don't count on other people, deal with crap yourself.
3)When it's really hot out, just stay inside dumbass! 
4)No matter how good an air conditioner you may have, the upstairs will always be hotter than downstairs.  This is a fact.  Accept it.
5)New Jersey is way better than West Virginia.
6)Pork Roll is the best breakfast meat ever.  Period.
7)Doing things by myself isn't so bad and I should do it more often. 


Those were some major life lessons right there. 

Anyone listened to the Saving Jane album?  Don't be turned off by that corny "Girl Next Door" song.  It's actually a really good album.  Seriously.  Go listen to it.  If I wasn't so inept and so tired right now I would try to figure out how to put the music on my blog.  I know how to add videos, but the only video they have is for the stupid Girl Next Door song and that's what I'm trying to avoid. 

Know what I find to be a real waste of time?  Peeing.  I just hate having to go pee.  There are so many other things I have to do in a day and it's really never a convenient time to pee.  That's why I wait hours and hours and hours until I'm doing the 5 year old pee-pee dance before I go.  If I never had to pee I would probably have a few hours of extra free time over a lifetime. 

July 26, 2006

My grandmother died last Friday.  I knew she was going to die soon ans I sort of hoped it would be before I went back down to school.  It was. 

Ryan (I will refrain from using his more common name now) sent my mom a basket of flowers.  That was nice, I guess.  He put this weird quote on the card.  Something about angels and heaven.  Not his writing.  Weird. 

Simultaneously, Mike totally vanished into thin air for almost two weeks.  I knew he was at work, but the only way I have to reach him is by cell phone and he wasn't answering it....  long story short, I was a total wreck thinking something terrible happened to him.  turns out his phone took a swim in the toilet. 

So I've had a bit of an emotional few weeks.  A few meltdowns were in order.  Talked to Mike this morning and explained to him that I'm unhappy with how I feel a bit ignored by him.  Without going into all of the details, it was a productive conversation and I feel a lot better. 

I had some weird things taken off me two weeks ago. The biposies all came back okay, except one had atypical cells and hyperplasia.  That means it wasn't a melanoma, but it would have been if I left it there. 

I don't want to go back to WV.  Home is so much nicer. 

July 17, 2006 10:11am

My friend Georgina is coming to visit today.  I go to school with her.  She's actually not coming here to see me so much as she's coming to shadow my mom for a few days.

My neighbors moved.  Well, not all of them, just half of them.  There were parents and two older sons living there.  The parents moved to Florida two weeks ago.  The sons packed them up and drove down with them.  While they were packing, they asked if they could park some of their cars in my driveway so they could park the U-Haul in their driveway.  Being the nice neighbor that I am, I said they could.

When I got home later that day, I found a large SUV parked right in the middle of my driveway and a beat up POS with no license plates way in the back driveway.  Arggh!  Fine.  I'll be nice. 

Days go by and the cars are still there.  Then it's time for them to leave.  They promise me that the POS will be out of the driveway before they leave.  Great!

Nope.  I see them standing around the POS with the hood up and the thing is smoking.  And they just HAD to leave right then.  Couldn't wait to get the POS out of my driveway. 

They left and the boys came back a week later.  POS still sitting in my driveway.  It took two more days for them to get their act together and get it out of there.

The irony in this is that I thought I was finally in a place in my life where I didn't have someone filling up my yard with crappy, unusable cars. 

Well, at least some things never change.

Oh, and if anyone happens to see or talk to DB....could you please ask him why he has the money to buy two more junk vehicles but doesn't have the money to pay back what he owes me or my mother. 

Oh yeah, I know all about what's going on. 

July 13, 2006 9:39pm

Working has completely cut into my vacation/relaxation/being lazy time.  On the bright side, it refocused me and reminded me why I'm in med school.  I was starting to hate life for a while there, and I think this has helped remind me that it's ok to hate life for a little while because it's going to get better soon.

Speaking of getting better soon.....

The holes in my mouth are finally starting to close up.  The food getting stuck in them is really, really gross though. 

I'm sitting here now enjoying a Fresca and Vodka.  Don't mock it, it's really good! 

I feel old.  I'm going to be 25 in a month.  I guess it sounds silly, but I'm not a patient person and I want my life to be settled, not so stirred up.  I feel like it's going to take me so long to get settled that I won't be able to enjoy it.  By the time I feel safe and secure and happy, I'll be really old, have saggy boobs, grey hair, and wrinkles.

Bah.  More vodka.

July 10, 2006 2:24pm

This is the last summer I am ever going to have off. 

For most of the world, summers off stopped after high school or college, but I extended that by a few years. 

Not having summers off is just normal for most people.

I, however, am not coping with this very well.  I planned to have the most awesome kick ass summer vacation ever.

It didn't happen that way.  Most of my plans fell through and those that didn't turned not to not be "all that".  I think the anticipation was too great.  My expectations were too high.  Shit just didn't go my way. 

Well ain't life a bitch? 

But I do have some new plans for the coming year.  Specifically, I want to come home more often.  Last year, that long stretch between August and December when I wasn't home nearly killed me.  I had DB coming to see me a few times, so that helped, but now I'm on my own.  I asked Mike to come and visit, and he said he would like to and will try, but with his work schedule I don't know how he can until things settle down with his business.  I don't want to come up here just to see him, though, I want to sleep in my bed, in my room, in my house, cook in my kitchen, and just be in my town. 

Ooooh.  I had moles removed today.  Isn't that exciting?  One was really funky looking which is what prompted me to go to the surgeron in the first place and he decided to take 3 others at the same time.  So anyway, one was on my shoulder and I started to watch him cutting into it and YIKES I completely freaked out.  Not good.  No.  Very bad.  For some reason, doctors think that because I'm in medical school I want to see these things.  WRONG.  My gynecologist offered me a mirror last time I was in her office.  A mirror?  No thanks.  Ya seen one ya seen em all. 

July 6, 2006 5:23pm

The wisdom teeth experience wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be.  A little Versed and I don't remember a thing!  Unfortunately, I developed dry sockets and now I have to have them packed with something that tastes like cloves.  Ick! 

The pain from the dry sockets was much worse than the pain from the initial extraction. 

I'm wearing a holter monitor for the day because I was having some heart palpitations.  It's annoying having all of these stickies on me and carrying around this power pack. 

Tomorrow is going to be a crazy day.  I have to get my teeth re-packed in the morning, drive all the way up to work (an hour with no traffic) work a few hours, get home in time to drop off the holter at the hospital, and come home to shave my legs because Mike is supposed to have tomorrow night off. 

"Supposed to" is the key phrase there.  But things are going well with his business.  Really well, actually, so I can't bitch too much.  It's nice being with a guy who has motivation and self direction. 

Back in the day when we were just friends and working together, I would spent the better part of a 12-14 hour shift telling him that he was doing nothing with his life and he was so much better than what he was settling for.  Every chance I got I would remind him that he won't be happy there and he had to find something else to do so he could feel successful. 

Well he picked a fine time to go and take my advice!  Doesn't he understand that I want to be the center of attention for just a little while!  He can go and get busy when I'm bored with him. 

Ho hum. 

July 4, 2006 12:39am

Lots to update on, but I'm a little sleepy. 

The short version...

Since last week I have
 1) Had my wisdom teeth taken out (all 4)
2) visited with my sisters who came for the weekend
3) had an amazing time with my twin niece and nephew (they're 4 years old)
4) cooked some absolutely fabulous meals
5)went to the beach!
6) thought about just how happy I am with my life and how wonderfully lucky I am

I'll explain more tomorrow.  Right now I'm going to slip into bed between my 1200 thread count sheets that I got at a deal from  overstock.com (hey, I may be a brat, but I'm still just a student) and dream sweet dreams. 

And does anyone know what to do about the very, um, umcomfortable and long-lasting side effect one gets from percocet?  If you know what I'm talking about then you probably know how to fix it.  Help me please!  I'm going to explode soon.

June 22, 2006 11:35am

I started working at my old job again.  Not the track...well, I'm there too, but also at my job at Saint Barnabas.  I have a snazzy new title: Pandemic Planner.  Such an awesome resume boost!  I do daily updates on Avian Flu news that goes out to a growing distribution list.  I'm also writing the hospital system's pandemic flu plan.  Most of all, I'm just happy to be back there with my guys. 

I am worried about a friend of mine there.  He has cancer.  Hodgkin's Disease.  He's only about 31 years old.  Too young to have to go through this.  This is the 3rd time he's been sick in the past few years.  He's been in some form of treatment for almost as long as I've known him.  I remember when I first started working for him.  I thought he was just so-o-o-o cute!  He's still cute, but he looks very different.  Anyway, I think he isn't feeling well most days and it really breaks my heart to see him like that. 

Today is my day off and it's raining.  My big chance to go to the beach is gone. 

Hopefully I'll get to see Mike tomorrow night.  He's been working every day since last week and hasn't been around at all.  But his business is doing well and it's about to grow exponentially (fingers crossed) as long as a particularly big contract works out for him.  I miss him and it's frustrating not being able to see him or talk to him whenever I want.  But I'm very proud of him.  I sent him a text message today just to remind him of that because, well, I'm awesome. 

Off to do some studying and reviewing so I don't forget everything I learned about being a doctor!

June 17, 2006 10:11am

Sorry I haven't updated in a while.  I seem to have an easier time writing when life sucks.

And right now it just doesn't suck at all! 

Saw Mike on Wednesday night.  Had an absolutely lovely evening.  I made a fabulous dinner and he was completely impressed.  Conversation was wonderful.  He put together my grill for me.  Very handy! 

Yeah, I'm feelin' good.

Went to a friend's wedding last night.  That was fun.  got to see some of my old comrades from SBHCS.  They want me to come back to work starting Tuesday.  I love that work so much that it won't even feel like a summer job.  Not only do I get to hang out with my friends, but I get to do something that I really believe in.  Oh,  for those out of the loop, I will be working with the disaster preparedness office again.  Sweet! 

And on a less fun note, my blood pressure has been running very high.  I went to see my Dr. about it.  Besides just having the high BP, I've also been having heart palpitations, headaches, and dizzy spells.  I had some blood work done a few days ago and I'm supposed to go back to see her in 2 weeks.  Then she's going to give me an EKG and have me wear a monitor for a while.  Hopefully it will turn out to be something that's an easy fix like thyroid.

I'm off to enjoy this besutiful day!

June 9, 2006 10:47pm

Life has been nice. 

I've been home for a week and already got my first sunburn.  Worked at the track a few times.  I really enjoyed talking to some of the people who I work with.  They all seem to think that DB is...well...a douche bag.  One went so far as to say to DB, "Where are your fuckin' brains?  You're really an ass hole."  Right to his face.  The best part is that this came from a 70-ish grandfather type who is on our crew.  Love that man!

Things are going well with GFKAMM. 

Ok, this is getting silly.  His name is Mike.  We'll call him that from now on. 

Anyway, Mike has been working a lot lately so I haven't been able to see him.  He works mostly in another state and stays there while he's needed, so I won't see him until he gets home...probably Sunday or any other day next week.  We've been keeping in touch on the phone and our conversations have been very nice.  He makes me smile. 

Tonight I ordered a pizza and watched Must Love Dogs.  Tomorrow I have the whole day off so I'll probably relax and do some reading.

I promised Nathan, my friend from school, that I would read All The King's Men this summer so we could go see the movie in September.  Anyone else ever read this book?  The lanugage is a little difficult (REALLY big words and very long sentences).  Not a beach read at all!  But I always welcome a literary challenge! 

So the king and all his men and I are headed off to bed.

Oh, how do you all fall asleep?  I just lay there and tooss and turn.  The sunburn is going to make this uncomfortable for me tonight, but even when I'm pure alabaster I can't fall asleep or stay asleep for long.  Any ideas?

June 1, 2006 3:17pm

Oh I am CRANKY!!! 

It's hot as hell in my bedroom, so I've been sleeping on the couch in the living room.  This means that my back hurts like hell.

I wish people would just SHUT UP.  Just stop talking.  For the love of God and all that is holy can we just have a moment of silence?   When I'm sitting in lecture, people are constantly whispering to each other.  More than just "What did he just say?"  or "What time is this over?".  No, not they have full conversations in a loud whisper.  Totally distracting and rude.  Just shut up people! 

And I'm so sick and tired of people talking about how proud they are of how drunk they are going to get or have gotten.  Is this supposed to be something that is admired?  What if I talked about my ability to eat an entire pizza and more in one sitting?  I'm a pig.  But if I can drink 14 beers, well, then I'm a party!  Why are these people all around me all the time?  Why am I always being punished by having them in my life?  Why is it so hard to get away from them?  Why can't I find people like me?  Why am I the only person who was born 35 years old?

And why is it that I study so incredibly hard and just get mediocre grades?  Why it is I know my stuff cold and then can't answer the questions on the test?  Why is it that the lushes get by without much work? 

I never, ever, ever, ever should have agreed to go back to the track.  The extra cash will be nice so I can buy stuff for my house that I need (like furniture), but I should have stuck with my original plan of not working or only working at my old job....which is starting to become a mess also since now they want me to do things that weren't in the original deal.

And I'm supposed to study tonight with someone, but I just want to stay home.  I want to get a pizza and wallow in my bitterness.

Yes, I know there are people in the world with bigger problems than mine.  I'm just having a crappy day and needed to vent. 

May 28, 2006 10:53pm

I went cave exploring with Georgina and Joe today. So much fun! I wimped out on going through the really tiny part where you'd have to crawl, but next time I'll be a little braver.


And this is what happened when I saw a bat....





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But I'm really glad I went. New experiences are good.



Now, just a few more days until I can go home. The countdown has begun.

May 26, 2006 5:46pm

One week down and one week to go! 

Next week at this time I should be somewhere on the Pennsylvania Turnpike quickly approaching home. 

It's Friday, which means pizza night in my world.

That all started because my mom always worked late on Friday nights (still does) and she would bring home a pizza.  It became a routine and then a tradition.  When I got to college I just couldn't imagine a Friday night without pizza.  Now I still do pizza on Friday nights whenever I can. 

I'm starting to think I'm my own worst enemy.  I am the only thing standing in the way of being really happy right now.  Why?  Because I'm a paranoid weirdo and always assume the worst.  Has anyone ever actually died of anxiety?  I'm going to look that up later.  Being in a stressful situation right now doesn't make it any easier to be less paranoid either. 

On a happier note, I have a three day weekend.  That gives me a whole extra day to procrastinate! 

May 24, 2006 1:48pm

So I'm enjoying day 2 of the migraine that just won't quit.  It's been fun living in total darkness and silence. 

Mystery Man....sorry, GFKAMM (come on!  help me with the new name people!) called me last night.  I finally told him that he has got to get rid of the beard.  Besides the itchyness I get all over my face, I'm just not into it.  It's like guys with long hair...not my thing. He said we can "negotiate". 

That was pissing me off a little.  Dude, I get a rash from it! 

I'm still on the fence about going back to work at the track this summer.  I think I'll miss it if I'm not there, but DB is still there and he's been bringing the psycho chick around.  To quote someone who works with us, "Eeeewwwwwwww."  Yeah, my thoughts exactly.  It's sort of funny that he never realizes that people think he's an idiot and make fun of him.  I spent a lot of time defending him, so maybe he'll start to realize it now that I'm not there.  No.  Wait.  That would require one to be perceptive and somewhat intelligent. 

Bah Argh! 

Grrrrrr.

Okay, I'm better now. 

Home.  Soon.  It's a mantra. 

May 21, 2006 2:18pm

Something smells funny.

No, really.  there's a strange odor in my vicinity. 

I swear I showered today. 

Oh well.

Had a dream last night about DB.  Probably brought on by my conversation yesterday.  In my dream, DB, his dad and sister all came to my apartment.  I spent the whole time telling his dad what an awful person his son is.  Then I threw them all out, but DB stayed.  I turned around and he was smiling and holding a miniature version of my engagement ring (mini, as in could fit on my pinky) and said that he's just been really busy with work lately and that's why all this happened.  Now that things are better with work, he wants to be with me again. 

Wow, am I good at superimposing two totally different issues or what?! 

I was quite proud of myself, though.  In my dream, I said to him "No, no I'm not taking you back.  You need to leave."  Yay for my subconscious.  Or is it my unconscious?  Either.  Yay for feeling that way in my dreams! 

Then I woke up to Mystery Man calling me.  So, all in all, not a bad night. 

Okay, I need a new name for mystery man.  Any ideas?  I was thinking of some variation of Hottie from Home or Buff N Stuff.  It doesn't have to rhyme or be alliterative. 

Told the guy formerly known as Mystery Man about my dream.  He informed me that DB has called him.  Yikes!  DB knows about me and the guy formerly known as Mystery Man (GFKAMM).  He seems to be annoyed by it since he just randomly cancelled my XM radio which was already paid for through the summer.  No biggie on that.  I just put it on my credit card.  Anyway, he called GFKAMM  "just to say hi".  The message he left was friendly.  "Haven't talked to you.  Hope all is well with you." 

Sort of funny.  Sort of sad.  I have no idea why he would be doing that. 

Also found out that DB has switched religions and now goes to psycho chick's church every sunday.  This is the guy who I would have to drag to church.  Now he goes willingly and even belongs to their "book club".  Can'd do anything on Sundays because that's "church day"- or so he's told his friends.

He always did let himself be manipulated by people.  He never had his own opinions or ideas.  He just adopted those of the people around him.  So it doesn't surprise me that he's easily influenced, but I am surprised as to the degree of it. 

So totally bizarre.  And his friends seem to be very aware of his bizarre behavior. 

Ha.  And he claimed that they said he acted different when he was around me.  Now they don't like who he is. 

Well.  Back to pharm!