September 29, 2006 9:58am

For the past few weeks I have been having crippling anxiety attacks that have only been getting worse by the day.

This used to happen to me a few times a year and was usually associated with something really stressful- like exams or applying to med school.

2007 has been the worst year of my life. In comparison with some awful things that can happen to people, I guess it's been more on the level of life-changing and emotionally devastating, but not insurmountable.

Anyway, it's just been getting worse and worse to the point that when I'm not having a meltdown, I'm worrying about when the next one will happen.

I finally told Mike about it last Thursday. He felt terrible. He felt responsible- which he isn't. This is me. My own deamons, I guess. He's been going through some of his own personal issues, so I delayed dumping it all on him for a while. He talked with me for over an hour. I made him late for work, but only because I didn't know he was on his way into work when I called. I had been calling him throughout the week and tried a few text messages to get his attention, but he wasn't getting some of my calls or messages. apparently his phone had been cloned and when that happens one misses some of their calls. He was going to go to Verizon first chance he got to get it all taken care of.

He told me not to feel so alone and he completely understands how I feel. I can't just keep swallowing my emotions because that's what he does and it doesn't work. Before he hung up, he told me he loves me and that even though he's been dealing with his own problems, he wants to get himself better so he can be of more use to me.

Sounds great, right?

Then, as of Saturday afternoon his cell phone number is not in service and I have no other way to reach him- besides maybe go to his house which isn't an option. Oh, there's email so I sent one of those, but he hasn't read it yet. He rarely gets to a computer so that doesn't surprise me terribly.

WTF? This is just the shit I need right now. I've decided that either 1) He decided to ditch the phone and get a new number because it was cloned and it was a convenient way to get away from me to not tell me his new number 2) His service was suspended by Verizon so that they didn't have to keep paying for the internaltional calls the cloner was making and he didn't set up a new number yet 3) #2 happened, he has a new number, but he's in such a bad head space he needed to disappear for a while.

#3 worries me because that means he's hurting and he isn't good at reaching out to people.

#1 scares me because it's eerily familiar in that someone tells me on a thursday that they love me and life is dandy, and by saturday the phone is disconnected and they've moved.

Not much luck finding a shrink out here in the mountains either. The one in town I called can't see me until the end of october and the receptionist was more interested in getting my insurance information than in finding a way to get me in earlier.

For some reason, the people I care about are always hurting me. It may not always be intentional, but it's happening anyway.

Which is making me having some very intense trust issues. If this is what my life is going to be like- why bother ever getting close to anyone- friends, family, whatever. It's just going to end up destroying me.