October 20, 2006 11:09pm

Ever just want to hit something?

Looking over my posts of the last few weeks, I think some explanation is necessary.

I've been sort of spiraling into what I like to think of as "my nutty episode" for months now. I've just finally hit bottom.

I found a psychistrist in town. The official diagnosis is "Major Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder." I like having a label for what's happening to me. It lets me put this part of my life into a nice little box so that one day I can look back on it and refer to it as the "Major Depression and GAD of 2006."

It's really hard to describe it without sounding sorry for myself, or being irreverant like a Nora Ephram book.

I think the low point- the absolute low point was when I was just decompensating for absolutely no reason. This was happening every day and multiple times in each day. There wasn't even something specific that would trigger it. I would just go from normal to totally inconsolable- crying, screaming- in a few seconds.

It got so bad that when I wasn't having an episode, I was worrying about when the next one would happen. I always managed to not embarass myself in public. I was able to hold it together just long enough until I could be in the car or back at my place.

Logically, I should have just called someone to talk to, but in that moment it felt like there was nobody in the world. It ended in me sitting on the floor with a blanket in the dark, saying to a dark room, "Somebody please help me."

It's better now since I went and got some help. I don't have the daily meltdowns.

I can't really explain or even understand why this happened to me. Maybe it's years worth of stuff catching up to me. Maybe it's a combination of random crappy stuff and stress.

I just want it to be over. I'm very impatient when it comes to my health.