November 27, 2006 1:08am

My sincerest apologies for not updating sooner. The renal system really kicked my ass and I was on lockdown studying every night. Then, I don't have wireless internet at home and I really can't me expected to sit at an uncomfortable desk and update my blog! Now that I have returned to WV I can properly update the blog from the comfort of my couch.

Now...without further delay.....

Oh yes folks, it's that time of year again!

MY BIG FAT THANKSGIVING DINNER

Once again, it was time for a festive Thanksgiving celebration at my uncle Ray's house. Ray has a stronghold on Thanksgiving because his in-laws insist on being in bed by 4pm. Therefore, we must have Thanksgiving dinner at 11:00am every year. There is no watching the Thanksgiving Day parade in my family, there is no afternoon of football, there is no collection of women in the kitchen complaining about their husbands. We sit down to dinner at 11:45am, quietly, with our legs crossed at the ankles. There is no music because that might disrupt someone's digestion. Conversation is limited to politics, work, or me.

Yes, I am the center of attention. Why? Well, because I am the youngest at the table by 30 years.

As such, I am still considered to be the child. This is now made even worse by the fact that I am no longer engaged so there is no husband in my immediate future. Therefore, I am a child and am treated as such.

In years past, the guest list was longer. It always included my parents, uncle ray and his wife, my aunt joanne and her husband, ray's decrepidly old in-laws, my grandmother, my great uncle, my great aunt, ray's wife's aunt, some really old friends of the in-laws, and a friend of my uncle's who he knew since childhood.

Typically, I was seated next to Erma, the incredibly old friend of the decrepidly old in-laws. She would always tell me that it was about darn time I stopped worrying about all this school non-sense and finally got myself a husband. "Men don't like smart women!" she would tell me. She also had very hairy legs for a woman in her 90's. You'd think that by then all hormonal activity would have stopped so body hair would no longer be an issue. She enjoyed telling us about her home health aid and how well this woman washed Erma's crotch.

Anyone want some gravy?

Erma died sometime in the past few years. One down!

The decrepidly old in-laws also kicked it somewhat recently. They were alcoholics, which as entertaining as that condition can be in young people it is twice as much fun in people who are over 80. As of they weren't unsteady enough on their feet, they would always end up sloshed before dessert. I think their true reason for wanting to be home before 4pm was that the DUI checkpoints don't start until at least 8.

Two more down!

Then there was my great aunt, my grandmother, and my father. All of them died in the past few years. Three more gone. That makes 6.

Of ray's in-laws....all of them and their friends are gone. That takes us down an extra 3. In total, nine dead.

That leaves my mom, ray and his wife, joanne and her husband, my great uncle, ray's friend Rich, and me. Eight people.

Nine dead. eight remain. More people have DIED in my lifetime than are still present at the Thanksgiving table.

But I'm a glass is half full kind of girl. You see, when we were a larger group, there wasn't really enough room for me. Since I was the "kid", I was always given a foot stool to sit on because there weren't enough chairs. This was a bit of a novelty for me when I was 9, 10, 11 years old but it quickly lost its appeal when I was 18, 19, 20 years old. I was much bigger than some of those old farts. One of the 90 pound grannies should have sat on the little stool. I need a real chair!

Then there was the silverware problem. There weren't enough regular dinner forks so I was always given a salad fork. I was forced to eat thanksgiving dinner with a salad fork. Why not just give me a spork and make it more challenging? After all, I have to balance my ass on a tiny little foot stool anyway. Give me an inapropriately small eating utensil, a foot stool to balance on, a fraction of a corner of the table to use and I'll give you my very own version of a Thanksgiving Cirque du soleil!

But we have lost so many over the years. No, surely, there will be enough room for me. I will finally get to eat with a real fork. I will finally have a real place at the table.

Nay.

I walk into my uncle's house to see that instead of the dinner table being set, it is instead the kitchen table that has been dressed with the giant ceramic turkey decoration and candlesticks.

It is a lovely kitchen table. It seats 6 people in a rectangle. There were exactly 6 places set. You see, for the past few years I have celebrated Thanksiving alone with the douche bag. I made a Thanksgiving dinner just for the two of us. Very romantic.

Well, apparently my family forgot that I am now the lonely spinster so I will be coming to family dinners again.

I was left out of the count. Forgotten. Dismissed. Ignored.

Never fear, there can always be extra room for another in our family!

Why not just move to the dining room? Well, that is complicated by the fact that their dining room is being redone so unless you can hover over furniture there is no way to even get into that room.

The footstool, my old friend, was brought out of the closet.

I did get to eat with a real fork this time, but I had to drink my wine out of a water glass because wine glasses come in sets of 6, not 7.

So I tried my best to enjoy dinner....

And then it started....

First it was my aunt, "Well, my friend Barbara's daughter got pregnant! and now she's living with the father of this child. What an embarassment!"

and her husband, "Well, that will never work. Living in sin, as well all here know, dooms a relationship."

I tried not to choke.

I looked at my mother, hoping she would change the subject and rescue me.

But before she had a chance, my great uncle decided it was time for his analysis of the world, "Well, ya know, those God damn n---ers just keep stealing from us. They can't be trusted, the n---ers. All f--s they are!"

I have never been so relived to hear him start that shit.

Before dessert, we had covered living in sin, unwed mothers, race relations (to put it nicely) and some reminiscing about all those who are no longer with us.

Happy holidays!