October 22, 2006 4:12am

Saturday was very bad.

Actually, as far as I see it Saturday is till here because I haven't gone to bed yet.

I don't know why this is happening to me. I don't know why I deserve this. I don't know why I have to be like this.

I want someone to put their arms around me and let me cry for as long as I want to- until I fall asleep and sleep and sleep until I can't possibly sleep anymore. Sleep and sleep without waking up in a panic. Sleep until I feel rested. Sleep without dreams.

Sleep.

Sleep in the comfort of my bed knowing that even if I did fall apart again I could just go back to sleep.

It's 4:20am. I want to throw up. I keep telling myself that this is all in my head, but my stomach does not seem to believe that.

My stomach, my legs, my chest. Nothing is operating properly. I'm angry. I want to be mean to someone who doesn't deserve it just so they can feel like I do.

Can't do that. That isn't me.

None of this is me. I don't recognize myself. I look in the mirror and am not sure who I am anymore. Tired. Clothes don't fit properly. Sickly looking.

This is crazy. I'm going crazy.

Lack of sleep isn't helping.

This is a nightmare. Maybe I am asleep and I am having a nightmare. Maybe the last month has been a nightmare. Or maybe the last year. The last ten years. Yes, that would be ideal. I'm going to wake up suddenly and realize I'm still 15 years old and everything is still wonderful and I'll know what to do and how to avoid mistakes and how to keep from getting hurt.

I want to wake up.