Septemebr 2, 2006 11:09pm

To quote Jenny from Forrest Gump, "I have a virus."

Not the kind she had, though. I have a cold virus.

When I was a kid, I got colds all the time. I missed a lot of school. As I got older I managed to avoid them more and more. When everyone else around me would be sneezing, I'd be feeling great. The trade off is that when I do get sick I get horribly and miserably sick.

I woke up this morning and felt horribly and miserably sick. Tired, no energy, slightly nauseous, and sneezing uncontrollably. Why is it that when you sleep your nose doesn't run?

The mucus. If only the mucus would stop!

Around 10 tonight I decided I had to get out of here and get some things to improve my condition. So off I went to Wal Mart in search of Zicam, a body pillow, lip balm, and a thermometer.

This is where I'm going to mention how much I hate Wal Mart. My dislike of Wal Mart has nothing to do with how they pay their employees, health insurance, or anything else that gets most people all worked up. I hate it because I can never find anything I need there. If I go in for no marticular reason, I can find lots of stuff I want. But if I dare go in there with a list I can be sure almost nothing will be crossed off, or I'll spend an absurd amount of time trying to find what I'm looking for.

Tonight was one of those nights and I was NOT in the mood.

I should also mention that Wal Mart in Lewisburg, WV attracts some interesting characters after dark. I could walk around with Smith's Book of Human Malformations and make at least two dozen diagnoses.

But I digress. I didn't realize how lousy I felt until I realized I was actually using the cart to hold myself up. Not a good start. I head over to where the bedding stuff is to look for my body pillow. There is usually a large basket of them in the middle of the aisle. Tonight, however, it seemed to have been replaced by baby formula. No body pillows anywhere.

Then I went to the medicine area to find my Zicam and thermometer. Found the Zicam, but no thermometer. I walked up and down the aisles, but nothing. I asked someone. They went and asked someone else. Nobody knows where the thermometers are.

Headed back to the pillows area, determined to not strike out twice.

Asked for help. Nobody knows what happened to the body pillows either.

At this point I have spent far too much time in Wal Mart. I feel awful and am annoyed that I couldn't get what I needed.

Off to the checkout.

There are 19 checkout aisles in this Wal Mart. They have 2 open and the line is 5 deep at either one.

I finally get to pay and the lady does a double take when she looks at me and says, "Oh, wow, you look awful!"

Well, shit, compared to what? The freaks walking through here? I'm the only person (male or female) who isn't wearing a shirt that exposes their belly. I'm not wearing anything with holes or with camouflage. I bathed less than 12 hours ago. I have all of my teeth. I walk with a normal gait. I don't have any bizarre skin disease. My head and face are not dysmorphic. All of these features distinguish me from the other people there tonight.

And I look AWFUL?