December 16, 2006 2:42am

The good, the bad, and the stuff I'm not sure about....

Let's start with the good: One more week of school and I'm done for Christmas break. I gave a lecture this week on Wednesday on disaster preparedness in hospitals. I did it at lunchtime. Had a lot of people there! I forgot how much I enjoyed doing that kind of work. Made me really happy to see so many people interested. It's been especially gratifying to have not only classmates, but also faculty come up to me and tell me how much they enjoyed it and how informative it was. And I wrote it all by meself! Well, mostly. I had some stuff left over from old lectures. But still, it was mostly me!

All of my Christmas shopping is done. I just have to wrap everything and I'm set.

I made an appointment to get my back "worked on" next week on Thursday by one of the docs from school. I've had chronic lower back pain since I was...oh...16. Went to an orthopedic surgeon, x-rays showed nothing, went to physical therapy. Nothing worked. I've just lived with it. It's always bad, but periodically gets worse. I haven't been able to sleep on my back in years. I can only sleep on my side with my hips flexed 90 degrees. If I stand up straight or sit up straight it hurts. The most comfortable position for me is curled in the fetal position, or (if sitting) shoulders slumped over so that my back is rounded out. This puts strain on my upper back...and a vicious cycle ensues.

Yes, yes, I know it isn't a very big deal and I shouldn't bitch. but I'm excited that I took the initiative to get some help with it. After a year and a half of osteopathy, I was able to diagnose myself. The pain has been getting worse the last few weeks so I'm excited to get it fixed!

The bad: Having a lousy night for no particular reason. Maybe I'm a little overwhelmed. I don't know. Been getting upset out of nowhere a lot lately.

Bachelor #1 turned out to be a little strange. Last time we spoke, he told me this story about his abusive father and how he would threaten the neighbors with a bat. And then how the dad shot a dog with a pellett gun one day for pooping on their lawn. I abruptly ended the conversation and haven't returned his 2 calls since. I feel bad, I really do, but I was just creeped out.

The stuff I'm not sure about: As much as I want to get out of here, I'm not sure how I feel about going home for christmas. Last Christmas, New Years, and the weeks after were just so shitty for me. I'm really not looking forward to reliving it.

I found a therapist in town. Well, I didn't find her, I was told about her. The first few therapists the shrink recommended to me were no good. The first only had office hours 1 day each week and I was in school during they time they were available. The next string of therapists were um...well...ministers. Now, I have no problem with ministers. If I was having a spiritual crisis, a priest or minister would be a logical place for me to turn. But this is different. I realize that they have training as therapists, but they do strictly faith based therapy. I'm sure that's just fine for some people, but I really don't want that. So, he told me about this woman in town. After procrastinating for a month, I finally called her. We played a bit of phone tag and actually connected today. I have an appointment for Monday afternoon. Not bad! While I know I won't suddenly be my normal stable self in 1 session, maybe she can give me some ideas of how to survive the following two weeks. :-/

I put this under the "not sure how I feel about it" category because I'm really not sure how I feel about doing this. It was hard enough for me to walk into the shrink's office. Then sitting in that waiting room thinking that I didn't belong there. Now I have to tell my story all over again to someone new, but she isn't going to hand me a bottle of pills so how am I going to feel any different?

And then there's Bachelor #2. Things with him are still going well. We've talked a few times on the phone and he emails regularly. Very sweet to always remember when I have a test and wishes me luck. He wants to get together when I'm home for Christmas.

And there is a plethora of men on match, but the ones I like don't like me and the ones who like me are....strange.

I don't get it.