Why do people have to be so awful to each other?
I have come to the conclusion that most people are genuinely good at heart, but just have absolutely no sense. That is the only thing that can account for why seemingly good people can go so very bad in the blink of an eye. And I know my situation is not unique since I have a friend who just went through something similar. Two, actually.
I miss Jersey.
New Jersey is the best place to live. Nevermind the corruption, high taxes, and absurd car insurance. That can all be forgotten with one bite of a pork roll egg and cheese sandwich. Pure heaven on a bun, or bagel as it may be. My preference is for a sesame seed bagel, should anyone be looking to get me breakfast one Sunday morning.
Sunday morning rain is falling
I would love to wake up on a Sunday morning and have someone go out to get breakfast for us. The key, of course, is to know exactly what I'd want without actually having to wake me to find out. Extra points if they know which newspapers I read and just how I like my coffee.
Steal some covers share some skin
I wrote in an old post that I had a comfortable groove before I left for school and I was scared I wouldn't get it back. If I only knew then. But, I think I need a new groove. One that includes what I just said.
Clouds are shrounding us in moments unforgetable
Because that comfortable feeling you have with someone who knows you so well that they don't have to ask how you want your eggs, which side of the bed you sleep on, if you like red or blue, pepsi or coke and what your hair smells like just can't be replaced by anything else. Nothing is that comfortable. It's like that blanket you had when you were a kid that was always the perfect temperature. It kept you warm in the winter and it was cool to the touch in the summer. The colors and print were slightly faded and it always smelled like fabric softener.
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
A comfortable groove.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Friday, February 24, 2006
February 24, 2006 3:16pm
Once again, my blog was invaded by some pests. Oh well.
I've narrowed it down to tow people. One being a weirdo on a message board I occasionally post on. The other is a friend of DB's who, well, let's just say is very much like him.....nothing special or worth getting upset over.
There are only a few people who call me "Liz" and the pest posts called me that. I can eliminate all of my friends so that leaves only people on a message board I go to and most of DB's friends.
I know all of the friends who we had mutually but who were really *more* his friends than mine have decided to take sides. That's okay. In most instances, it isn't a really great loss to me. But, for the two in particular who I really enjoyed spending time with-I'm kinda sad about that. I don't know, maybe it's weird for them too since we all got along so well and now it's all over.
One of these pest posts made reference to who helped DB paint the dining room. Frankly, I really don't care if he had strippers and drug dealers painting with him. It means I don't have to do it and hey, free labor is always good! And I don't care who or what he is or is not seeing or doing right now. So you can make all the comments you want about his "new girlfriend", and it really doesn't matter. Our relationship is over and nothing that happens next can sting any more than that.
As far as he realizing he is too good for me? He may think that. Actually, wait, he hasn't had an original thought in his head since..well, ever. So, someone told him that. That's fine. He can think whatever he wants. And the people who are at his level will think the same . It has nothing to do with being "too good", but just not being in the same place in our lives and going in totally different directions.
Regardless, it does not excuse how he chose to handle this and lie to me. Everything else I can pity him for. That, well, that's where the blinding rage comes from.
So, onto nicer things.....
Well, diseased things at least. I have a pathology exam on Monday so most of my weekend will be tied up with that. And I have a friend who I'm going to spend some time with while he's bummed.
School is sanity for me.
And so is redecorating! I've been working out some ideas in my head for stuff to do with the house. I'm going to redo the Great Room. Right now, it has a pool table in it. I don't want to get rid of that because people tend to gravitate to it and it's a nice thing when entertaining. But I'm going to paint over the really dark wood on the ceiling and on the wood border around the room. That should lighten it up a bit. Some French doors will give it a bit of formality. I'm going to go with a wine and game theme and put in a wine refrigerator/rack and some kickin' art. I found this great contemporary artist.... Leanne Laine
I hope to get some of her pieces in that room.
Also need to redo the master bedroom. I want to paint it a neutral color like beige and then add accents in bright red. I already got a new bed set from Overstock and I'm scowering the internet for some interesting red art or accent pieces.
Decorating a house is fun. I like looking for bargains and new ideas. I'm so glad I decided not to sell the house. I think Amy would have kicked my ass if I decided to sell the place. That's my home damnit! It's not as if DB and I had a lifetime of memories in it together. I was there for two weeks with him and for most of those two weeks he was moody, ignored me, or snapped at everything I said. Happy times! It really is a kick ass house. I'll put up pictures after spring break.
I'm also going to redo the master bathroom. It has (and no, I'm not making this up) a pink heart shaped spa tub it in. Oh, but it gets better... the air that comes into the tub to bubble it is vented from the outside. So, I had a blast sitting in that in December. That thing needs to go. I don't know how they'll get it out of the bathroom, much less out of the house. I want to replace it with an awesomely huge shower.
Honestly, why shouldn't I be happy right now? I have an awesome house to go home to. I have a blindingly bright future. I have some of the coolest friends anyone could ask for.
To quote Roberto Benigni: "Life is Beautiful".
I've narrowed it down to tow people. One being a weirdo on a message board I occasionally post on. The other is a friend of DB's who, well, let's just say is very much like him.....nothing special or worth getting upset over.
There are only a few people who call me "Liz" and the pest posts called me that. I can eliminate all of my friends so that leaves only people on a message board I go to and most of DB's friends.
I know all of the friends who we had mutually but who were really *more* his friends than mine have decided to take sides. That's okay. In most instances, it isn't a really great loss to me. But, for the two in particular who I really enjoyed spending time with-I'm kinda sad about that. I don't know, maybe it's weird for them too since we all got along so well and now it's all over.
One of these pest posts made reference to who helped DB paint the dining room. Frankly, I really don't care if he had strippers and drug dealers painting with him. It means I don't have to do it and hey, free labor is always good! And I don't care who or what he is or is not seeing or doing right now. So you can make all the comments you want about his "new girlfriend", and it really doesn't matter. Our relationship is over and nothing that happens next can sting any more than that.
As far as he realizing he is too good for me? He may think that. Actually, wait, he hasn't had an original thought in his head since..well, ever. So, someone told him that. That's fine. He can think whatever he wants. And the people who are at his level will think the same . It has nothing to do with being "too good", but just not being in the same place in our lives and going in totally different directions.
Regardless, it does not excuse how he chose to handle this and lie to me. Everything else I can pity him for. That, well, that's where the blinding rage comes from.
So, onto nicer things.....
Well, diseased things at least. I have a pathology exam on Monday so most of my weekend will be tied up with that. And I have a friend who I'm going to spend some time with while he's bummed.
School is sanity for me.
And so is redecorating! I've been working out some ideas in my head for stuff to do with the house. I'm going to redo the Great Room. Right now, it has a pool table in it. I don't want to get rid of that because people tend to gravitate to it and it's a nice thing when entertaining. But I'm going to paint over the really dark wood on the ceiling and on the wood border around the room. That should lighten it up a bit. Some French doors will give it a bit of formality. I'm going to go with a wine and game theme and put in a wine refrigerator/rack and some kickin' art. I found this great contemporary artist.... Leanne Laine
I hope to get some of her pieces in that room.
Also need to redo the master bedroom. I want to paint it a neutral color like beige and then add accents in bright red. I already got a new bed set from Overstock and I'm scowering the internet for some interesting red art or accent pieces.
Decorating a house is fun. I like looking for bargains and new ideas. I'm so glad I decided not to sell the house. I think Amy would have kicked my ass if I decided to sell the place. That's my home damnit! It's not as if DB and I had a lifetime of memories in it together. I was there for two weeks with him and for most of those two weeks he was moody, ignored me, or snapped at everything I said. Happy times! It really is a kick ass house. I'll put up pictures after spring break.
I'm also going to redo the master bathroom. It has (and no, I'm not making this up) a pink heart shaped spa tub it in. Oh, but it gets better... the air that comes into the tub to bubble it is vented from the outside. So, I had a blast sitting in that in December. That thing needs to go. I don't know how they'll get it out of the bathroom, much less out of the house. I want to replace it with an awesomely huge shower.
Honestly, why shouldn't I be happy right now? I have an awesome house to go home to. I have a blindingly bright future. I have some of the coolest friends anyone could ask for.
To quote Roberto Benigni: "Life is Beautiful".
Thursday, February 23, 2006
February 23, 2006 11:40am
So, despite the douche bag saying that he would leave it up to me if he stayed at the places where we are likely to be together (squad, race track) apparently he has decided to go back on that too.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised since he has become so adept at bullshit. Actually, it's not that he's any good at it he just can't help himself.
He always lied to me the way a little kid lies about brushing their teeth or cleaning their room. Not until recently did he start telling lies about important things. I was always able to see through it because it isn't hard to see through the lies of an idiot, but I guess I was just willing to overlook it.
Wow, now I see who really was settling for who.
So, a hard lesson for me to learn is that someone is either completely open and honest all the time or they never are. Accepting anything less than complete honesty at all times is just, well, stupid.
He was just a bad person and I'm usually a much better judge of character than that. I can usually pick people right out...asshole...loser.....arrogant. But this was tougher. Maybe because we were together for so long. The longer you know someone the easier it is to overlook the things about them that you don't like.
Oh well, it looks like there's no avoiding bumping into him now. He might find it awkward, though, because I'm starting to see what people who we work with and socialize with really think of him. I used to defend him a lot, but I don't have to any more. In some cases, people accepted him because of me- so with that being over now, his work environment may be a bit uncomfortable knowing what people are saying behind his back.
But, maybe he likes being the sucker. He was never very good at commanding respect, which is why the cop thing is kinda weird for him. Not that he seems to be going anywhere with it anyway.
Lord in heaven what was I thinking?
Security maybe?
He was safe. Our relationship was safe. It was easy.
I need someone to challenge me.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised since he has become so adept at bullshit. Actually, it's not that he's any good at it he just can't help himself.
He always lied to me the way a little kid lies about brushing their teeth or cleaning their room. Not until recently did he start telling lies about important things. I was always able to see through it because it isn't hard to see through the lies of an idiot, but I guess I was just willing to overlook it.
Wow, now I see who really was settling for who.
So, a hard lesson for me to learn is that someone is either completely open and honest all the time or they never are. Accepting anything less than complete honesty at all times is just, well, stupid.
He was just a bad person and I'm usually a much better judge of character than that. I can usually pick people right out...asshole...loser.....arrogant. But this was tougher. Maybe because we were together for so long. The longer you know someone the easier it is to overlook the things about them that you don't like.
Oh well, it looks like there's no avoiding bumping into him now. He might find it awkward, though, because I'm starting to see what people who we work with and socialize with really think of him. I used to defend him a lot, but I don't have to any more. In some cases, people accepted him because of me- so with that being over now, his work environment may be a bit uncomfortable knowing what people are saying behind his back.
But, maybe he likes being the sucker. He was never very good at commanding respect, which is why the cop thing is kinda weird for him. Not that he seems to be going anywhere with it anyway.
Lord in heaven what was I thinking?
Security maybe?
He was safe. Our relationship was safe. It was easy.
I need someone to challenge me.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
February 19, 2006 11:46pm
Why is it that when I mention the possibility of dating again, people always jump in with "Don't rush anything. You have plenty of time. Let yourself heal."?
Is there a set mourning period I'm supposed to wait? Remember, I'm not the one who left the relationship.
God forbid I see some hottie on TV and say "wow, look at his ass". My mom jumps in with, "There's no rush, sweetie, you'll find someone."
Right. I know there's no rush. But aren't I the best judge of when I'm "ready"?
And what exactly is it that I have to be ready for? To get married? Step right up, gentlemen, here you have a desperate woman looking for a husband.
Yeah, that'll get 'em running.
Ready for, um, well, ya know?
Hell, who isn't. But we can't all be sluts or there wouldn't be anyone to make fun of.
Or ready to look? To go out with people? To see what's out there? To enjoy the company of people who want to want to be around me and think I'm a super diva? And if those people happen to be single men then what's the problem?
To everyone who seems to be worried about me jumping into the arms of whoever comes along: Fear Not! I have a long and careful selection process that involves several security clearance levels and a trip to Victoria's Secret to weed out those who are quick to buy the strappy corset teddy and not also get a comfy pajama set to off set it.
More importantly, I'm not a cruel person and I wouldn't want to drag a complete stranger (or worse yet, someone I really care about) though my emotional upheaval, or use them just to fill lonely nights.
That being said, thanks for caring. :-)
Is there a set mourning period I'm supposed to wait? Remember, I'm not the one who left the relationship.
God forbid I see some hottie on TV and say "wow, look at his ass". My mom jumps in with, "There's no rush, sweetie, you'll find someone."
Right. I know there's no rush. But aren't I the best judge of when I'm "ready"?
And what exactly is it that I have to be ready for? To get married? Step right up, gentlemen, here you have a desperate woman looking for a husband.
Yeah, that'll get 'em running.
Ready for, um, well, ya know?
Hell, who isn't. But we can't all be sluts or there wouldn't be anyone to make fun of.
Or ready to look? To go out with people? To see what's out there? To enjoy the company of people who want to want to be around me and think I'm a super diva? And if those people happen to be single men then what's the problem?
To everyone who seems to be worried about me jumping into the arms of whoever comes along: Fear Not! I have a long and careful selection process that involves several security clearance levels and a trip to Victoria's Secret to weed out those who are quick to buy the strappy corset teddy and not also get a comfy pajama set to off set it.
More importantly, I'm not a cruel person and I wouldn't want to drag a complete stranger (or worse yet, someone I really care about) though my emotional upheaval, or use them just to fill lonely nights.
That being said, thanks for caring. :-)
Friday, February 17, 2006
February 17, 2006 9:25pm
Are some men actually sincere when they talk to women? I'm not asking that rhetorically. I actually want to know if some truly are sincere and it's just the jerks who spoil it for everyone.
Let's say, hypothetically, that someone says some really flattering and wonderful things to me. Let's also say that I have a friend who indicates that men will just say anything to get a woman into bed. This hypothetical friend is also a man, so one would think that he would know. But, he isn't one to be insincere and if he said something to a woman, I'm quite confident he would mean it completely. He has even expressed his disgust at men in general for their treatment of women.
This is all hypothetical, of course.
Now, let's go back to the hypothetical person who is hypothetically making me melt. Do I believe him? In all the time I've known him he has never been a dishonest person or one to just say things to a woman without meaning it.
Cutting out the hypotheticals.....
Something really amazing is happening right now. I'm over the moon happy and I can't even describe why.
Maybe because I'm starting to see what it may be like to be in an adult relationship. It means being able to discuss things and not have to explain the big words, be able to enjoy the company of someone and not feel responsible for them, and never have to worry about how they will behave in public.
On the other hand, what if I turn out to be the one who is behind? If my life is in a different place than theirs and I feel like I need to catch up.
No need to worry about all that right now. Nothing is happening at the moment.
I'm just feeling very content with my life right now.
Let's say, hypothetically, that someone says some really flattering and wonderful things to me. Let's also say that I have a friend who indicates that men will just say anything to get a woman into bed. This hypothetical friend is also a man, so one would think that he would know. But, he isn't one to be insincere and if he said something to a woman, I'm quite confident he would mean it completely. He has even expressed his disgust at men in general for their treatment of women.
This is all hypothetical, of course.
Now, let's go back to the hypothetical person who is hypothetically making me melt. Do I believe him? In all the time I've known him he has never been a dishonest person or one to just say things to a woman without meaning it.
Cutting out the hypotheticals.....
Something really amazing is happening right now. I'm over the moon happy and I can't even describe why.
Maybe because I'm starting to see what it may be like to be in an adult relationship. It means being able to discuss things and not have to explain the big words, be able to enjoy the company of someone and not feel responsible for them, and never have to worry about how they will behave in public.
On the other hand, what if I turn out to be the one who is behind? If my life is in a different place than theirs and I feel like I need to catch up.
No need to worry about all that right now. Nothing is happening at the moment.
I'm just feeling very content with my life right now.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
February 15, 2006 8:14pm
Do you think there's such a thing as fate or destiny? That there really is a reason for everything. The whole "ripple effect"- someone sleeps through their alarm and has to rush to work. They get in a car accident on the way there because they are brushing their hair while driving and are taken to the emergency room where they meet a fabulous doctor, get married, and have a child who cures cancer. If they didn't oversleep that morning then none of it would have happened.
I don't know. I thought we create our own destiny. I want to be a doctor so I got myself into medical school. If I want a new shoes then I find the ones I want and buy them. I don't wait for them to fall out of the sky on my doorstep.
Lately, though, when I think back on many of the seemingly inconsequential things I have said or done I notice that they have had a huge impact on my life later on.
In a way, that scares me. I feel like I have to worry about every little thing I do because later it might come back to haunt me. It may come back to be something wonderful, though.
There are two pictures from Monongahela National Forest. There's something very peaceful about living here.
I don't know. I thought we create our own destiny. I want to be a doctor so I got myself into medical school. If I want a new shoes then I find the ones I want and buy them. I don't wait for them to fall out of the sky on my doorstep.
Lately, though, when I think back on many of the seemingly inconsequential things I have said or done I notice that they have had a huge impact on my life later on.
In a way, that scares me. I feel like I have to worry about every little thing I do because later it might come back to haunt me. It may come back to be something wonderful, though.
There are two pictures from Monongahela National Forest. There's something very peaceful about living here.
Monday, February 13, 2006
February 13, 2006 10:28pm
Had a great weekend with the snow and mom here.
I'm feeling really good lately. I want to get back to eating better now that exams are over and I have more time. I'm just feeling really happy...like myself again.
Also enjoying the company of my friends and keeping in touch better than I have in the past. It feels good to connect with people again.
Have some plans for the house this summer. My mom is helping me replace some of the ::ahem:: missing items in the house- starting with the couch so it can be more comfortable when I get back there over break.
Oooooh, I can't wait to get some good pizza back at home!
I'm feeling really good lately. I want to get back to eating better now that exams are over and I have more time. I'm just feeling really happy...like myself again.
Also enjoying the company of my friends and keeping in touch better than I have in the past. It feels good to connect with people again.
Have some plans for the house this summer. My mom is helping me replace some of the ::ahem:: missing items in the house- starting with the couch so it can be more comfortable when I get back there over break.
Oooooh, I can't wait to get some good pizza back at home!
Thursday, February 09, 2006
February 9, 2006 5:10pm
I'm almost afraid to say this.
I feel free.
Somewhere in me, beneath those moments of blinding rage, numbness, and confusion, there is an incredible feeling of freedom.
I hate myself for feeling that way.
I don't mean freedom to go wild, I just feel like for the first time in years I don't have to worry about someone else.
I like caring about someone, thinking about them, wondering what they're doing, worrying when apropriate. But I didn't like having to worry the way a parent worries if their child will get through school, get a job, become self-sufficient.
If I was a parent, I think it would be less annoying to feel that way and more a labor of love. But when you feel that way about the person you are sharing your life with, it's stressful. Very stressful.
So blocks are almost over. I managed to pass physiology. Biochem today wasn't too traumatic. Tomorrow is nutrition.
My mom is coming to visit this weekend. I'm so happy to see her.
Though, I am rather proud of myself for surviving this on my own. Of course, I had lots of support from my friends and family, but I stayed right where I am and didn't run home. I didn't leave school. I worked through the problem and came out the other end even stronger for it.
Hmmm, better than some people I know.
Yeah, I'm awesome.
I feel free.
Somewhere in me, beneath those moments of blinding rage, numbness, and confusion, there is an incredible feeling of freedom.
I hate myself for feeling that way.
I don't mean freedom to go wild, I just feel like for the first time in years I don't have to worry about someone else.
I like caring about someone, thinking about them, wondering what they're doing, worrying when apropriate. But I didn't like having to worry the way a parent worries if their child will get through school, get a job, become self-sufficient.
If I was a parent, I think it would be less annoying to feel that way and more a labor of love. But when you feel that way about the person you are sharing your life with, it's stressful. Very stressful.
So blocks are almost over. I managed to pass physiology. Biochem today wasn't too traumatic. Tomorrow is nutrition.
My mom is coming to visit this weekend. I'm so happy to see her.
Though, I am rather proud of myself for surviving this on my own. Of course, I had lots of support from my friends and family, but I stayed right where I am and didn't run home. I didn't leave school. I worked through the problem and came out the other end even stronger for it.
Hmmm, better than some people I know
Yeah, I'm awesome.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
February 8, 2006 3:57pm
Is blinding rage a healthy emotion?
Wow, this just hit me out of nowhere. I have never felt anger like this before. I've never wanted to just ruin a person so badly as I do now.
Funny thing is that I probably have the means to do it, too. But, truthfully, how can you ruin a person who has nothing and is going nowhere anyway?
All of the other fierce emotions passed, so I imagine this one will pass as well.
I'm also angry at myself. I'm angry that when he was here I didn't go nose to nose with him about every absurd thing he said. I hate myself for caving the way I did because, really, I didn't mean any of it. What am I sorry for? Why was I apologizing? What did I do? Got him the house he wanted. Encouraged him to finish college. Wanted him to find a better job. All things he should have wanted to do on his own....without my prodding.
Wow, this just hit me out of nowhere. I have never felt anger like this before. I've never wanted to just ruin a person so badly as I do now.
Funny thing is that I probably have the means to do it, too. But, truthfully, how can you ruin a person who has nothing and is going nowhere anyway?
All of the other fierce emotions passed, so I imagine this one will pass as well.
I'm also angry at myself. I'm angry that when he was here I didn't go nose to nose with him about every absurd thing he said. I hate myself for caving the way I did because, really, I didn't mean any of it. What am I sorry for? Why was I apologizing? What did I do? Got him the house he wanted. Encouraged him to finish college. Wanted him to find a better job. All things he should have wanted to do on his own....without my prodding.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
February 7, 2006 5:21pm
Why am I the one who has to clean up the messes if he is the one who bails?
Not just bails, but vanishes like a fart in the wind. Never to be seen or heard from again.
Still, not one bit of it makes sense.
Exams are this week. I don't think I did too well on physio, but the rest should be okay.
I want to go home so badly. I have a friend there who wants to go out while I'm home. I don't know what to make of all that. Is it to "go out" as in "on a date" or is it just "going out to entertain the poor, pathetic friend who is lonely now."
That brings up some logistical issues. When two people go out under those ambiguous circumstances, who pays? That's always been my biggest question with dating. I feel terrible when people pay for stuff for me. Eventually, it gets easier and even expected :-) but at first it just feels strange.
Another thing I'm wondering about is what will happen when I do meet the right person and we do decide to get married. There was a ton of fuss over Ryan and I getting engaged. Will anyone care the second time around? I had already picked my bridal party. Are they going to get all tearful and excited again? Or is it just going to be "Round 2 of Elizabeth's need for attention." blah!
Presumably, it won't take 7 years of a relationship to get to that stage again, so what if this happens in the next 4 or 5 years. Then what? Does it seem like a pattern?
Not only am I worried about what other people will think, I'm scared that it won't be special for me either. The second time you do something is never as exciting as the first.
These aren't things that keep me up at night, but just cross my mind from time to time.
Not just bails, but vanishes like a fart in the wind. Never to be seen or heard from again.
Still, not one bit of it makes sense.
Exams are this week. I don't think I did too well on physio, but the rest should be okay.
I want to go home so badly. I have a friend there who wants to go out while I'm home. I don't know what to make of all that. Is it to "go out" as in "on a date" or is it just "going out to entertain the poor, pathetic friend who is lonely now."
That brings up some logistical issues. When two people go out under those ambiguous circumstances, who pays? That's always been my biggest question with dating. I feel terrible when people pay for stuff for me. Eventually, it gets easier and even expected :-) but at first it just feels strange.
Another thing I'm wondering about is what will happen when I do meet the right person and we do decide to get married. There was a ton of fuss over Ryan and I getting engaged. Will anyone care the second time around? I had already picked my bridal party. Are they going to get all tearful and excited again? Or is it just going to be "Round 2 of Elizabeth's need for attention." blah!
Presumably, it won't take 7 years of a relationship to get to that stage again, so what if this happens in the next 4 or 5 years. Then what? Does it seem like a pattern?
Not only am I worried about what other people will think, I'm scared that it won't be special for me either. The second time you do something is never as exciting as the first.
These aren't things that keep me up at night, but just cross my mind from time to time.
Saturday, February 04, 2006
February 4, 2006 12:43pm
Block week is approaching.
I really, really want to pass physiology.
I want to do well this block so that I can prove to myself that I can't be derailed by someone.
Those random moments of anger I have are starting to happen less often.
There's still hurt, but it's better.
Overall, I feel better.
I don't have that awful feeling of "Oh my God! I'm never going to find anyone else!" Right now, I just don't care either way. I mean, I do care, but it isn't the first thing on my mind when I wake up.
Still a little worried about walking into the house when I go back. I'm scared to see what else is gone besides the couch. What things we accumulated over our relationship that he decided to claim as his and take with him.
I goess I shouldn't care too much. It will just make it easier for me to make the place completely mine. I decided if I find anything in there that he left behind I'll email (since he isn't calling me) and give him a few days to come get it before I toss it.
The locks are getting changed soon. Should have done that the day he told me he moved out.
What I'm finding interesting from my family and friends is that they aren't totally shocked that this relationship ended. What they are surprised by is that he's the one who left. They thought that eventually I would get tired of having a partner and child all wrapped into one. I was always frustrated by it, but was willing to overlook it because he was a good person deep down.
Now I see how many lies he told. Now I see what kind of person he is.
Or, maybe not. The man who came in here and said the things he said....thinking back he was acting cold and cruel wven when i was home for Christmas....that wasn't the man who I fell in love with.
I keep wondering if he's had some sort of breakdown. Given his family history of depression and his own difficulties dealing with new or stressful sitations, I wonder if all of this...a marriage, a house...me being so far away...was more than he was able to emotionally handle.
A 26 year old man shouldn't have to be prodded to work on finding a new job so he can afford to live in his "dream house" that he wanted oh so much. It can't be good for one's dignity to have your future mother in law paying so many of your bills and living expenses...not to mention college tuition. At some point, doesn't one have to say "It's time for me to step up and take some responsibility?"
I really, really want to pass physiology.
I want to do well this block so that I can prove to myself that I can't be derailed by someone.
Those random moments of anger I have are starting to happen less often.
There's still hurt, but it's better.
Overall, I feel better.
I don't have that awful feeling of "Oh my God! I'm never going to find anyone else!" Right now, I just don't care either way. I mean, I do care, but it isn't the first thing on my mind when I wake up.
Still a little worried about walking into the house when I go back. I'm scared to see what else is gone besides the couch. What things we accumulated over our relationship that he decided to claim as his and take with him.
I goess I shouldn't care too much. It will just make it easier for me to make the place completely mine. I decided if I find anything in there that he left behind I'll email (since he isn't calling me) and give him a few days to come get it before I toss it.
The locks are getting changed soon. Should have done that the day he told me he moved out.
What I'm finding interesting from my family and friends is that they aren't totally shocked that this relationship ended. What they are surprised by is that he's the one who left. They thought that eventually I would get tired of having a partner and child all wrapped into one. I was always frustrated by it, but was willing to overlook it because he was a good person deep down.
Now I see how many lies he told. Now I see what kind of person he is.
Or, maybe not. The man who came in here and said the things he said....thinking back he was acting cold and cruel wven when i was home for Christmas....that wasn't the man who I fell in love with.
I keep wondering if he's had some sort of breakdown. Given his family history of depression and his own difficulties dealing with new or stressful sitations, I wonder if all of this...a marriage, a house...me being so far away...was more than he was able to emotionally handle.
A 26 year old man shouldn't have to be prodded to work on finding a new job so he can afford to live in his "dream house" that he wanted oh so much. It can't be good for one's dignity to have your future mother in law paying so many of your bills and living expenses...not to mention college tuition. At some point, doesn't one have to say "It's time for me to step up and take some responsibility?"
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
February 1, 2006 9:55pm
Just when I think my life is figured out, something comes crumbling down.
I thought I had the whole marriage and family thing settled. The career was well on its way. Now, I feel like I'm only half done.
Although I feel mostly okay, I still have these random moments of angrer where I scream at him as if he's here and I can tell him something really hurtful.
But, I can't bring myself to hate him.
I don't understand how someone can just drop off the earth after sharing a bed for years and years.
As confusing as it is, it's still perfectly clear now where he is emotionally and his level of understanding of how to be in a relationship.
Most of the calls and emails from my friends have trailed off. I guess people assume I'm okay now...except for one. So confused about that. But that's a story for another time.
It's going to be weird going home. Especially if we bump into each other somewhere. I tried to make that less awkward by trying to make contact with him, but he isn't responding so I guess we're going for awkward.
I thought I had the whole marriage and family thing settled. The career was well on its way. Now, I feel like I'm only half done.
Although I feel mostly okay, I still have these random moments of angrer where I scream at him as if he's here and I can tell him something really hurtful.
But, I can't bring myself to hate him.
I don't understand how someone can just drop off the earth after sharing a bed for years and years.
As confusing as it is, it's still perfectly clear now where he is emotionally and his level of understanding of how to be in a relationship.
Most of the calls and emails from my friends have trailed off. I guess people assume I'm okay now...except for one. So confused about that. But that's a story for another time.
It's going to be weird going home. Especially if we bump into each other somewhere. I tried to make that less awkward by trying to make contact with him, but he isn't responding so I guess we're going for awkward.
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