I know....it's been days since I've updated.
The long and short of the week is that I have had a fabulous time at home. Getting to see all of friends has been great. Went out with my mystery man a few times too.
Yeah, I know. That's what you've all been waiting to hear about.
Imagine if Colin firth himself had asked me out and it was everything I every imagined it would be. That's what this week has been like.
Monday night became our night. I was perfectly calm the entire weekend thinking about it. I even squeezed in my mani/pedi and eyebrow wax Monday morning. Picked out the perfect outfit after some consultation with Ellen on the phone. Picked out a place for us to go.
5 minutes before he gets there, I start to panic. I mean, completely panic. Ya know that feeling you get in your stomach when you get really anxious about something? It's half "I'm gonna throw up" and half "I need a change of pants." Well, that's about where I was. Let's recall that the last time I went on a first date I was 17. The fact that I've been talking to my mystery man for months now and that I have known him as a friend for 4 years didn't make this any less stressful. In fact, it probably made it worse because I kept thinking that there was a greater possibility that I could disappoint him.
I decided to wear a pink boat neck weater, jeans, and these awesome strappy3 inch heeled sandals.
I had a plan (of course) for what I was going to say when he got there. Here's how it was supposed to go...
Me: Heyyyyyyy! :::hug:::
Mystery Man: Hi! Oh, it's so good to see you!
Me: It's great to see you too. Come on inside. I'll show you the place.
We were then supposed to proceed into the house where I was going to give him a brief description of what changes were made in each room and include any funny anecdotes about color matching and crown molding.
Then we would go to the reataurant. To make small talk, I would tell him about my drive up a few days earlier.
Here's what actually happened.....
O.k. he's here. Don't throw up. Does my breath smell? I have to go downstairs. Oh sweet Jesus, I can't walk in these heels! I could walk in them a minute ago. Now I look like a 6 year old in her mother's closet.
I open the door for him. I'm about to go into my script (as stated above) when he completely throws me off by speaking first.
Mystery Man: (looking somewhat dazed) You look amaaaaazing. Wow!
Uh....uh.....
Me: Th-th-thanks. He-e-e-y. It's um, great to....
Holy shit he has me in a vice grip. I'm never going to get out of this. My head is going to pop off. This isn't the friendly hug I was supposed to be in. I have to tell him about the house. I'm going to throw up.
Me: Um. So, come inside. I'll show you the place.
We walk inside to my living room.
Is this even my house? I don't have any idea what to say. It's a flippin' room. Who was I kidding thinking I'm some kind of Bob Vila?
Me: So. Yeah. This is the, um, living room.
::silence::
::crickets::
It's green.
And, this is the dining room. It was painted. It used to be a different color, but it was painted so now it's this color. But it was something different when we moved in. Kind of the same color, but not really. I like this one better.
What the hell is wrong with you? You are intelligent and articulate and have the ability to use multisyllabic words like multisyllabic. Use them for Chrissakes!
Luckily, I regained some composure and was able to get through the rest of the house without sounding like too much of an idiot.
Dinner. We should go to dinner. Then I can eat and not talk so much.
Me: So, you ready to go? Let's take my truck.
Mystery Man: Yeah. Sure.
I grab my bag and my keys. I'm heading for the door and....
Oh my God what is he doing? He's kissing me. Holy shit! This was not in my plan. Not in my plan at all!
Forward? Just a bit. But it made the rest of the night so much more wonderful. No more tension. No more nervousness. I was just me.
I saw him twice more this week. He is very, very, very taken with me. Aww shucks!
He really is wonderful, but it's all a bit scary. This isn't supposed to happen this fast. The fact that I have known him for so long and we always had some feeling for each other is making this move along a bit faster than it would if we just met. But it feels right. I'm happy.
I'm going back to school tomorrow. Bah!
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Thursday, March 23, 2006
March 23, 2006 1:09pm
It was exactly two years ago today that my dad died.
I remember every single detail of that day and even the night before.
My dad was in the hospital with another bout of CHF. He was doing better and was about to be released when he had a massive stroke and ended up in ICU on a vent. That lasted for a week before they decided to extubate him. It was clear he wouldn't be able to breathe on his own.
March 22nd was the day they extubated him. It was a Monday. I was sure that he would die within a few hours. My mom was with him most of the night. I kept trying to call her to find out what had happened, but she wasn't home. Midnight. One a.m. Two a.m. I had to go to work in the morning, so I finally fell asleep around 3.
I wasn't comfortable going over to the hospital, and Ryan was still working overnights then. At 6am, I woke up and tried calling my mom. Still no answer at the house. I drove past the house on my way to work and saw that her car wasn't in the driveway.
At that point, I was more worried about my mom. I was sure that I had become an orphan overnight and nobody was telling me.
On my way to work, I drove past the hospital and saw her car in the Dr's lot. Whew! Ok. That's where she is.
Went to work, but didn't want to be there. Got the keys to start the truck up for the day (I was working EMS at the time). Nothing. No lights. No engine. Wonderful. Another thing in my life that's dead today.
Went back inside and gave my keys in, "I need a new truck."
Curled up on a seat in the ready room. Someone who worked with me asked me if I was okay. In one breath I told her the whole story. Dad dying. Don't know what's happening. Can't reach anyone. Scared.
She disappeared into some office and returned a minute later. Gave me a hug and whispered in my ear "It's ok. Go home. Don't worry about the shift. Call me if you need anything."
I got in my car and tried calling the house again. No answer. I called the hospital this time. "Brennan 3, please."
Just one moment.
"Hi. Um.. my dad is..um ...." wait, did he die already? they won't tell me that over the phone. i just need to know if my mom is there. don't ask about dad. just ask for your mother. but what do you call her? you can't ask for mom! ask for dr. p. but what if they don't know her on that floor? what if she's mr. m's wife there? what if they don't know she works at the hospital.
"..... is Dr. P- there?"
No, she just left a little while ago.
I always underestimate how many people know my mother. I assume that because she does pediatric neurology, only pediatricians and other pediatric specialists know her. It never dawns on me that lots of people in the hospital know who she is. And because of that, they treat her (and me) very differently than they do all of the "regular" people. I take for granted how easy it is to get an appointment in a Dr's office just because I say "This is Dr. P's daughter". Was it the same with my dad? Was his care different than every other stroke patient on that floor? Was my mother allowed to see him whenever she wanted because she was his wife, or because she's a doctor at that hospital? I always felt pangs of guilt when I would be ushered past a busy waiting room because I was somehow privileged, or when I would make rounds with my mother at the hospital and the nurses would all give me hugs and say how much I'd grown. Then they would give me graham crackers and milk while my mom saw her patients. What about all the sick kids? Don't they get hugs?
It's almost 8am. She has to be going to work soon. So I called her office, expecting to get a secretary. Instead I got the harried voice of my mother, "'Ello!" She sounded annoyed that the phone rang.
"Mom!" Her voice quickly softened. "Elizabeth!" It was like we had just been reunited. She always sounds surprised to hear my voice on the phone. I imagine that's what it sounded like when Elizabeth Smart called her parents after being missing for a year.
"The situation with your father is terminal." I was just pulling into the driveway of my apartment complex when she said this. "I had them give him a morphine drip last night because...I just couldn't watch it anymore. They've stopped everything. His breathing is very shallow. I was sure it would be over by last night, but this could go on for another 24 hours. I have patients coming in today. Can you come to the hospital?"
Yes. I can.
I ran into my tiny apartment. Ryan was still sound asleep. I woke him to tell him what was happening. He had a test that morning in one of his classes. I changed out of my uniform. What is appropriate clothing to watch someone die? Do you wear something somber? They aren't dead yet, though. But something bright and cheery doesn't seem proper either.
Comfort is key. This could be a long day. Jeans and a purple v-neck sweater.
I tore out of there in a hurry. My mom was going to stop by the hospital one more time and I didn't want to walk into his room alone. My dad and I were so rarely ever alone in a room together and it was always awkward and uncomfortable. This was going to be even worse.
Found a parking spot and went in through the front doors of the hospital. I almost always go in that hospital with my mom, so I'm usually at the Dr's entrance. This was different. Lots of people. Big, friendly lobby. No ID card needed.
I walked past the front desk.
"Oh, excuse me!" Is someone talking to me?
"Excuse me! Where are you going?" Someone is stopping me? Don't they know who I am? I'm Dr. P's daughter. Why would they stop me? I grew up in this place. It's like a second home, except one that's scary and smells like stuffing at every mealtime.
My dad is on Brennan 3.
"What's his name?" Will they not let me up if he already died? What's the turnover rate in the ICU? Do they ship them off to the morgue right away? Is she going to redirect me to the basement? Does she know something I don't. Does this 50+ volunteer with enormous boobs know that my dad died before I get to know? Is she going to talk about this with her other pink coat wearing friends when they go to the cafeteria with their free lunch pass? "This poor girl came in to see her father. I didn't have the heart to tell her he already kicked it."
His name is (was? Should I say was? Did he have a name or does he have a name? Do you still have a name after you die?) Frank M-.
She didn't look anything up on a computer, list, or any memo that would have told her anything more than what I already said.
"Just a minute. Let me give you this." She handed me a large square sticker. Similar to one of those that says "HELLO! MY NAME IS" and you fill in your name with a magic marker so everyone at a conference knows who you are. This was probably invented by someone who had poor social skills and found it easier to just get the introductions out of the way without actually having to speak.
My sticker said VISITOR at the top. In the blank space, she had written BRENNAN 3. That's my name now. Brennan 3. I'm a cyborg with a dying father.
"Brennan 3 escaped the International Cyborg Corporation early this morning. It is believed she is on a mission to find her dying father. She is armed and dangerous. Use extreme caution when approaching Brennan 3. There is an on/off switch just behind her left ear. Should you see Brennan 3, please contact your local police department immediately."
They tagged me.
I got in the elevator and ripped my sticker off. I folded it in half and shoved it in my coat pocket. I'm not a visitor. If he already died, then that means I'm visiting a dead person and that's just creepy.
The elevator doors opened at the 3rd floor and there was my mom on the pay phone.
"Elizabeth!" It was that same relieved tone she always had. Her eyes were red.
"I tried calling you at home. I came back over here after I talked to you and the nurses said he.." She made a weird sweeping motion with her hand. Started high and then flat. That must be her hand signal for "died".
"... about 10 minutes before."
Oh. Ok. Oh? Ok? that's the best you can come up with?
With one hand on the phone, she reached out with her other arm and pulled me toward her. I'm almost 6 inches taller than her, but I felt very tiny at that moment. Tiny like when I was a little kid and I would be upset about something. She would do that one-armed pull in and my face would hit her hip right at the belt line. LEVIS. I would see that written on that useless snap button on the right pocket.
"Ugh, this is pointless." She was frustrated with the pay phone. "Let's go inside. I can call the office from there."
Right. Because she's a doctor. She can use the phone inside the hospital.
We walked through the double doors into the ICU unit. and walked right bahind the nurses' station. I sat down in an available swivel chair and started shuffling my feet just enough to get a good left-right-left-right partial swivel. None of this seemed strange to me. Sitting behind a long table. Sick people all around. Drug cart beside me. I was allowed to be here. I was always allowed to be here. Except, this time there were no graham crackers and no hugs.
Mom finished her phone calls to her office. She was taking the rest of the day off.
"Want to go inside?"
Yes.
I stood up, but that's as far as my legs would go. My mom stopped to take my hand, but I just put my head down.
"That's ok. You don't have to."
I sat back down. Feet still in position to continue the left-right-left-right rotation.
His room was right in front of me. There was a curtain pulled all the way around the bed. I watched my mother slip behind the curtain.
Left-right-left-right-left-right-left-right
A friendly nurse came over to talk to me. One of her children had been a patient of my mother's. I had never met her, but she knew things about me. She asked me about school, where I was working, what kind of doctor I wanted to be.
left-right-left-right-left-right
Mom emerged from the room. I stood up. My legs were working again. She wiped a tear away from one eye and smiled when she saw me.
"Ok, we have a lot of things to do today."
We said our goodbyes and thanks to the nurses. Rode down in the elevator together. At the lobby we split since she was going back out the dr's entrance to her car and I was rejoining the "visitors".
I got almost completely out the revolving door when I saw Ryan. My mom had reached him after I already left for the hospital. He came to the hospital looking for me, but 50+ boob lady wouldn't let him upstairs since he wasn't family. He didn't even rank a VISITOR sticker.
He wrapped his arms around me, and I started laughing. I was happy he was there. I laugh when I'm happy, even if nothing is funny.
Ok, this has gotten way too long ad I need to get back to studying, but I will continue more if I can later.
I remember every single detail of that day and even the night before.
My dad was in the hospital with another bout of CHF. He was doing better and was about to be released when he had a massive stroke and ended up in ICU on a vent. That lasted for a week before they decided to extubate him. It was clear he wouldn't be able to breathe on his own.
March 22nd was the day they extubated him. It was a Monday. I was sure that he would die within a few hours. My mom was with him most of the night. I kept trying to call her to find out what had happened, but she wasn't home. Midnight. One a.m. Two a.m. I had to go to work in the morning, so I finally fell asleep around 3.
I wasn't comfortable going over to the hospital, and Ryan was still working overnights then. At 6am, I woke up and tried calling my mom. Still no answer at the house. I drove past the house on my way to work and saw that her car wasn't in the driveway.
At that point, I was more worried about my mom. I was sure that I had become an orphan overnight and nobody was telling me.
On my way to work, I drove past the hospital and saw her car in the Dr's lot. Whew! Ok. That's where she is.
Went to work, but didn't want to be there. Got the keys to start the truck up for the day (I was working EMS at the time). Nothing. No lights. No engine. Wonderful. Another thing in my life that's dead today.
Went back inside and gave my keys in, "I need a new truck."
Curled up on a seat in the ready room. Someone who worked with me asked me if I was okay. In one breath I told her the whole story. Dad dying. Don't know what's happening. Can't reach anyone. Scared.
She disappeared into some office and returned a minute later. Gave me a hug and whispered in my ear "It's ok. Go home. Don't worry about the shift. Call me if you need anything."
I got in my car and tried calling the house again. No answer. I called the hospital this time. "Brennan 3, please."
Just one moment.
"Hi. Um.. my dad is..um ...." wait, did he die already? they won't tell me that over the phone. i just need to know if my mom is there. don't ask about dad. just ask for your mother. but what do you call her? you can't ask for mom! ask for dr. p. but what if they don't know her on that floor? what if she's mr. m's wife there? what if they don't know she works at the hospital.
"..... is Dr. P- there?"
No, she just left a little while ago.
I always underestimate how many people know my mother. I assume that because she does pediatric neurology, only pediatricians and other pediatric specialists know her. It never dawns on me that lots of people in the hospital know who she is. And because of that, they treat her (and me) very differently than they do all of the "regular" people. I take for granted how easy it is to get an appointment in a Dr's office just because I say "This is Dr. P's daughter". Was it the same with my dad? Was his care different than every other stroke patient on that floor? Was my mother allowed to see him whenever she wanted because she was his wife, or because she's a doctor at that hospital? I always felt pangs of guilt when I would be ushered past a busy waiting room because I was somehow privileged, or when I would make rounds with my mother at the hospital and the nurses would all give me hugs and say how much I'd grown. Then they would give me graham crackers and milk while my mom saw her patients. What about all the sick kids? Don't they get hugs?
It's almost 8am. She has to be going to work soon. So I called her office, expecting to get a secretary. Instead I got the harried voice of my mother, "'Ello!" She sounded annoyed that the phone rang.
"Mom!" Her voice quickly softened. "Elizabeth!" It was like we had just been reunited. She always sounds surprised to hear my voice on the phone. I imagine that's what it sounded like when Elizabeth Smart called her parents after being missing for a year.
"The situation with your father is terminal." I was just pulling into the driveway of my apartment complex when she said this. "I had them give him a morphine drip last night because...I just couldn't watch it anymore. They've stopped everything. His breathing is very shallow. I was sure it would be over by last night, but this could go on for another 24 hours. I have patients coming in today. Can you come to the hospital?"
Yes. I can.
I ran into my tiny apartment. Ryan was still sound asleep. I woke him to tell him what was happening. He had a test that morning in one of his classes. I changed out of my uniform. What is appropriate clothing to watch someone die? Do you wear something somber? They aren't dead yet, though. But something bright and cheery doesn't seem proper either.
Comfort is key. This could be a long day. Jeans and a purple v-neck sweater.
I tore out of there in a hurry. My mom was going to stop by the hospital one more time and I didn't want to walk into his room alone. My dad and I were so rarely ever alone in a room together and it was always awkward and uncomfortable. This was going to be even worse.
Found a parking spot and went in through the front doors of the hospital. I almost always go in that hospital with my mom, so I'm usually at the Dr's entrance. This was different. Lots of people. Big, friendly lobby. No ID card needed.
I walked past the front desk.
"Oh, excuse me!" Is someone talking to me?
"Excuse me! Where are you going?" Someone is stopping me? Don't they know who I am? I'm Dr. P's daughter. Why would they stop me? I grew up in this place. It's like a second home, except one that's scary and smells like stuffing at every mealtime.
My dad is on Brennan 3.
"What's his name?" Will they not let me up if he already died? What's the turnover rate in the ICU? Do they ship them off to the morgue right away? Is she going to redirect me to the basement? Does she know something I don't. Does this 50+ volunteer with enormous boobs know that my dad died before I get to know? Is she going to talk about this with her other pink coat wearing friends when they go to the cafeteria with their free lunch pass? "This poor girl came in to see her father. I didn't have the heart to tell her he already kicked it."
His name is (was? Should I say was? Did he have a name or does he have a name? Do you still have a name after you die?) Frank M-.
She didn't look anything up on a computer, list, or any memo that would have told her anything more than what I already said.
"Just a minute. Let me give you this." She handed me a large square sticker. Similar to one of those that says "HELLO! MY NAME IS" and you fill in your name with a magic marker so everyone at a conference knows who you are. This was probably invented by someone who had poor social skills and found it easier to just get the introductions out of the way without actually having to speak.
My sticker said VISITOR at the top. In the blank space, she had written BRENNAN 3. That's my name now. Brennan 3. I'm a cyborg with a dying father.
"Brennan 3 escaped the International Cyborg Corporation early this morning. It is believed she is on a mission to find her dying father. She is armed and dangerous. Use extreme caution when approaching Brennan 3. There is an on/off switch just behind her left ear. Should you see Brennan 3, please contact your local police department immediately."
They tagged me.
I got in the elevator and ripped my sticker off. I folded it in half and shoved it in my coat pocket. I'm not a visitor. If he already died, then that means I'm visiting a dead person and that's just creepy.
The elevator doors opened at the 3rd floor and there was my mom on the pay phone.
"Elizabeth!" It was that same relieved tone she always had. Her eyes were red.
"I tried calling you at home. I came back over here after I talked to you and the nurses said he.." She made a weird sweeping motion with her hand. Started high and then flat. That must be her hand signal for "died".
"... about 10 minutes before."
Oh. Ok. Oh? Ok? that's the best you can come up with?
With one hand on the phone, she reached out with her other arm and pulled me toward her. I'm almost 6 inches taller than her, but I felt very tiny at that moment. Tiny like when I was a little kid and I would be upset about something. She would do that one-armed pull in and my face would hit her hip right at the belt line. LEVIS. I would see that written on that useless snap button on the right pocket.
"Ugh, this is pointless." She was frustrated with the pay phone. "Let's go inside. I can call the office from there."
Right. Because she's a doctor. She can use the phone inside the hospital.
We walked through the double doors into the ICU unit. and walked right bahind the nurses' station. I sat down in an available swivel chair and started shuffling my feet just enough to get a good left-right-left-right partial swivel. None of this seemed strange to me. Sitting behind a long table. Sick people all around. Drug cart beside me. I was allowed to be here. I was always allowed to be here. Except, this time there were no graham crackers and no hugs.
Mom finished her phone calls to her office. She was taking the rest of the day off.
"Want to go inside?"
Yes.
I stood up, but that's as far as my legs would go. My mom stopped to take my hand, but I just put my head down.
"That's ok. You don't have to."
I sat back down. Feet still in position to continue the left-right-left-right rotation.
His room was right in front of me. There was a curtain pulled all the way around the bed. I watched my mother slip behind the curtain.
Left-right-left-right-left-right-left-right
A friendly nurse came over to talk to me. One of her children had been a patient of my mother's. I had never met her, but she knew things about me. She asked me about school, where I was working, what kind of doctor I wanted to be.
left-right-left-right-left-right
Mom emerged from the room. I stood up. My legs were working again. She wiped a tear away from one eye and smiled when she saw me.
"Ok, we have a lot of things to do today."
We said our goodbyes and thanks to the nurses. Rode down in the elevator together. At the lobby we split since she was going back out the dr's entrance to her car and I was rejoining the "visitors".
I got almost completely out the revolving door when I saw Ryan. My mom had reached him after I already left for the hospital. He came to the hospital looking for me, but 50+ boob lady wouldn't let him upstairs since he wasn't family. He didn't even rank a VISITOR sticker.
He wrapped his arms around me, and I started laughing. I was happy he was there. I laugh when I'm happy, even if nothing is funny.
Ok, this has gotten way too long ad I need to get back to studying, but I will continue more if I can later.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
March 22, 2006 6:40pm
I have to give Beej a big "Thanks" for posting about this site.
It lets you track who comes to your web site. In short, it snags their IP address and tells you which ISP they're using, where they are, how long they spend on your web site, and where they click on your site.
Let's just say, the days of the anonymous drive-by comments are gone. At least on my end. Now I can identify who they are with pretty good certainty. Not that I'm looking for a big confrontation. But it's nice to know who is hell bent on trying to stir me up- though unsuccessfully.
I also know who has been checking up on me. Silly Point Pleasant Comcast users! ::wink wink:: I didn't know feminine personal cleaning products were that crafty!
It's ok. My blog is no secret. I tell no lies here.
So, on to nicer things....
Home home home home! It's like a mantra for me. The more I say it, the closer I get to it.
Do you know anyone who has a bad habit? I mean a habit that just really irks you and makes you want to vomit.
People who bite their nails really sicken me. And it seems like I always sit beside people who bite their nails. I can then see them biting their nails constantly. It's just in my peripheral vision so I don't have a full view of it. but I can hear ever little ::snap:: ::click:: ::snap:: ::snap::: click:: that their teeth make against their nails.
I need a moment to settle my stomach.
Ok...better. Whew. It's just really nasty.
On a related note, I really, really, really value my hygiene. I like being clean. I especially like other people being clean. I really don't like when people fail to wash their hands (or the rest of their body) and don't seem to mind the pig pen-esque funk that follows them around.
Stinkyness= bad.
Three cheers for antibacterial soap, deodorant, and loofahs!
It lets you track who comes to your web site. In short, it snags their IP address and tells you which ISP they're using, where they are, how long they spend on your web site, and where they click on your site.
Let's just say, the days of the anonymous drive-by comments are gone. At least on my end. Now I can identify who they are with pretty good certainty. Not that I'm looking for a big confrontation. But it's nice to know who is hell bent on trying to stir me up- though unsuccessfully.
I also know who has been checking up on me. Silly Point Pleasant Comcast users! ::wink wink:: I didn't know feminine personal cleaning products were that crafty!
It's ok. My blog is no secret. I tell no lies here.
So, on to nicer things....
Home home home home! It's like a mantra for me. The more I say it, the closer I get to it.
Do you know anyone who has a bad habit? I mean a habit that just really irks you and makes you want to vomit.
People who bite their nails really sicken me. And it seems like I always sit beside people who bite their nails. I can then see them biting their nails constantly. It's just in my peripheral vision so I don't have a full view of it. but I can hear ever little ::snap:: ::click:: ::snap:: ::snap::: click:: that their teeth make against their nails.
I need a moment to settle my stomach.
Ok...better. Whew. It's just really nasty.
On a related note, I really, really, really value my hygiene. I like being clean. I especially like other people being clean. I really don't like when people fail to wash their hands (or the rest of their body) and don't seem to mind the pig pen-esque funk that follows them around.
Stinkyness= bad.
Three cheers for antibacterial soap, deodorant, and loofahs!
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
March 21, 2006 9:24pm
Remember when you were a kid and your parents told you that in 3 months you would be going to Disney? Of course, the first thing you did was run to your room and begin packing. After all, this is a momentous event and you don't want to be caught without enough underwear for the three day trip.
I'm packing. Not going to Disney, though. Just going home for a week. Packing is my latest way of avoiding studying. I have done 4 loads of laundry, tried on every single possible outfit and laid out exactly enough for my week, plus a few extras, some variations, and two "dressy" outfits.
Because my mama taught me well.
Why am I being so organized? Am I always this compulsive? Hell no! I usually grab everything I can find in 3 or 4 key dresser drawers, throw it all in an overnight bag and jet out the door.
But let's say you were going on that trip to Disney and you knew for a fact that you were going to be meeting Mickey Mouse. Not just meeting him, but would have a private audience with him on more than one day.
Exactly. Careful wardrobe planning is key.
So who is my Mickey Mouse? My mystery mousy man is a friend of mine who I have been recently talking to....a lot. We've known each other for a few years. There was always "something" there, but I was always taken and he was in and out of relationships. In short, it wasn't the right time for us. Taking everything very slow, and being very cautious, but really looking forward to seeing him when I get home.
I'm a planner. Always have been. When things don't go according to my plan, I decompensate just long enough to readjust the plan and all is well again. Obviously, the biggest plan I had ever made got snatched away from me, so I had to readjust.
Thing is, putting all my eggs in this brand new basket at my door would be just stupid. So, for the first time in my life, I actually have to go without a plan. This is all a "just wait and see" kinda thing. On the other hand, we already know each other really well so I avoid the whole first date awkwardness and I get to learn about him in a different way since I already know the basic details of his life.
But a true planner will never, ever, ever be completely planless! I had a plan! Here's how it was supposed to go.....
Mystery man usually works Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night. Perfect! I'll be driving in Friday (but tell him I'm coming Saturday). Get a good night's sleep. Saturday morning I was going to dash up to where he (and I) work for a surprise visit. There will be enough people around that we won't have an awkward moment of "Hey, I haven't seen you in 8 months and now we're suddenly in a weird potential dating phase." Hug Hug, how are ya? You look great! Blah blah blah. He'd go to work that night and the next and we'd make plans for Monday night.
Monday night was key as that would give me just enough time to get a manicure, pedicure, eyebrow wax, find an amy-approved outfit for the evening, clean up the house, open the windows and light some candles to get that musty closed up smell out and more then enough time on Monday to shower, primp and get ready.
All of these things, of course, revolve around me catching some Amy time, hanging out with mom so she doesn't feel neglected, getting Brooke a shower gift, going to Brooke's bridal shower on Sunday (crap! did you just read that?) and running any other necessary errands.
In addition, I wanted to put some thought into which restaurant we should go to, scope out the parking situation, plan what we should do afterwards, and check the weather a few times to make any adjustments to the plan as necessary.
But plenty of time, right?
So, I talked to him yesterday. I decided to kick my plan into high gear and get Monday night settled as a "date". Here's how that went....
Me:So, when do I get to see you next week?
Mystery Man: Well, when are you coming home?
Me: Friday night. Oh devil! Why did I say that? Saturday! It's Saturday! Remember the plan you turd! Oh well, this only makes Saturday less of a surprise. At least he's still working the weekend.
Mystery Man: Great! I can see you Friday night.
Me: Um, wait, don't you work?
Mystery Man: It's easier for me to get out of work on Friday than Saturday. I have to work Saturday and Sunday. And then I'm free anytime from Monday until the following Sunday.
Are you kidding me? Are you flippin' kidding me? You never take a day off. You'd work yourself to death first. Now that I'm coming home you're suddenly semi-retired?
Me: Uh...well...uh..yeah...uh, but I might get in real, real late. See, I have this test Friday morning and I might be up all night so I'll sleep some when I get back to my place. And then I have to pack. Right. Pack. And then there might be traffic 'cause it's Friday. Yanno, lots of traffic on Fridays.
Mystery Man: Well, that's ok. Maybe then we can just go get coffee or go to a diner or something.
Me: ::sigh:: Yeah. That sounds great.
I don't want to give the wrong impression. I'm excited that there's someone who wants to see me so badly that he'll rush down to me as soon as I cross the state line.
But this was not in my plan!
Now there's no time for the mani/pedi, I'll have hairy eyebrows, I'll smell like the inside of my truck, who knows what condition the house is in since DB left, I have no amy-approved outfit, no place picked out that we should go to, no after plan, no back-up plan in case of inclement weather (snow storm, tsunami, tornado, volcanic eruption). I have nothing! Absolutely nothing!
What's a girl to do?
I'll tell you what a girl does. She starts packing her bags 3 days in advance and tries on every possible outfit and variation she has before putting it in the bag as a "possibility". She then makes a mix CD of the most awesome Coltrane, Miles Davis, Van Morrison, and Dave Matthews anyone has ever heard. When she rolls into town Friday night, she unpacks her truck, leaves the windows open to get the McDonalds smell out, calls Mystery Man and tells him to head down. This gives her approximately 45 minutes to take a shower and put on one of the "possibilities" that was decided on during a phone conversation with one of her friends in the car on the way up. A few dabs of mascara and she's looking fabulous. Mystery Man arrives and they go to Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts (depending on which is open), get coffee, and drive down to the inlet to watch the fishing boats go out for the night. She also strategically pops in the aforementioned Coltrane/Davis/Van Morrison/DMB CD.
See, the perfect night just falls into place.
I'm packing. Not going to Disney, though. Just going home for a week. Packing is my latest way of avoiding studying. I have done 4 loads of laundry, tried on every single possible outfit and laid out exactly enough for my week, plus a few extras, some variations, and two "dressy" outfits.
Because my mama taught me well.
Why am I being so organized? Am I always this compulsive? Hell no! I usually grab everything I can find in 3 or 4 key dresser drawers, throw it all in an overnight bag and jet out the door.
But let's say you were going on that trip to Disney and you knew for a fact that you were going to be meeting Mickey Mouse. Not just meeting him, but would have a private audience with him on more than one day.
Exactly. Careful wardrobe planning is key.
So who is my Mickey Mouse? My mystery mousy man is a friend of mine who I have been recently talking to....a lot. We've known each other for a few years. There was always "something" there, but I was always taken and he was in and out of relationships. In short, it wasn't the right time for us. Taking everything very slow, and being very cautious, but really looking forward to seeing him when I get home.
I'm a planner. Always have been. When things don't go according to my plan, I decompensate just long enough to readjust the plan and all is well again. Obviously, the biggest plan I had ever made got snatched away from me, so I had to readjust.
Thing is, putting all my eggs in this brand new basket at my door would be just stupid. So, for the first time in my life, I actually have to go without a plan. This is all a "just wait and see" kinda thing. On the other hand, we already know each other really well so I avoid the whole first date awkwardness and I get to learn about him in a different way since I already know the basic details of his life.
But a true planner will never, ever, ever be completely planless! I had a plan! Here's how it was supposed to go.....
Mystery man usually works Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night. Perfect! I'll be driving in Friday (but tell him I'm coming Saturday). Get a good night's sleep. Saturday morning I was going to dash up to where he (and I) work for a surprise visit. There will be enough people around that we won't have an awkward moment of "Hey, I haven't seen you in 8 months and now we're suddenly in a weird potential dating phase." Hug Hug, how are ya? You look great! Blah blah blah. He'd go to work that night and the next and we'd make plans for Monday night.
Monday night was key as that would give me just enough time to get a manicure, pedicure, eyebrow wax, find an amy-approved outfit for the evening, clean up the house, open the windows and light some candles to get that musty closed up smell out and more then enough time on Monday to shower, primp and get ready.
All of these things, of course, revolve around me catching some Amy time, hanging out with mom so she doesn't feel neglected, getting Brooke a shower gift, going to Brooke's bridal shower on Sunday (crap! did you just read that?) and running any other necessary errands.
In addition, I wanted to put some thought into which restaurant we should go to, scope out the parking situation, plan what we should do afterwards, and check the weather a few times to make any adjustments to the plan as necessary.
But plenty of time, right?
So, I talked to him yesterday. I decided to kick my plan into high gear and get Monday night settled as a "date". Here's how that went....
Me:So, when do I get to see you next week?
Mystery Man: Well, when are you coming home?
Me: Friday night. Oh devil! Why did I say that? Saturday! It's Saturday! Remember the plan you turd! Oh well, this only makes Saturday less of a surprise. At least he's still working the weekend.
Mystery Man: Great! I can see you Friday night.
Me: Um, wait, don't you work?
Mystery Man: It's easier for me to get out of work on Friday than Saturday. I have to work Saturday and Sunday. And then I'm free anytime from Monday until the following Sunday.
Are you kidding me? Are you flippin' kidding me? You never take a day off. You'd work yourself to death first. Now that I'm coming home you're suddenly semi-retired?
Me: Uh...well...uh..yeah...uh, but I might get in real, real late. See, I have this test Friday morning and I might be up all night so I'll sleep some when I get back to my place. And then I have to pack. Right. Pack. And then there might be traffic 'cause it's Friday. Yanno, lots of traffic on Fridays.
Mystery Man: Well, that's ok. Maybe then we can just go get coffee or go to a diner or something.
Me: ::sigh:: Yeah. That sounds great.
I don't want to give the wrong impression. I'm excited that there's someone who wants to see me so badly that he'll rush down to me as soon as I cross the state line.
But this was not in my plan!
Now there's no time for the mani/pedi, I'll have hairy eyebrows, I'll smell like the inside of my truck, who knows what condition the house is in since DB left, I have no amy-approved outfit, no place picked out that we should go to, no after plan, no back-up plan in case of inclement weather (snow storm, tsunami, tornado, volcanic eruption). I have nothing! Absolutely nothing!
What's a girl to do?
I'll tell you what a girl does. She starts packing her bags 3 days in advance and tries on every possible outfit and variation she has before putting it in the bag as a "possibility". She then makes a mix CD of the most awesome Coltrane, Miles Davis, Van Morrison, and Dave Matthews anyone has ever heard. When she rolls into town Friday night, she unpacks her truck, leaves the windows open to get the McDonalds smell out, calls Mystery Man and tells him to head down. This gives her approximately 45 minutes to take a shower and put on one of the "possibilities" that was decided on during a phone conversation with one of her friends in the car on the way up. A few dabs of mascara and she's looking fabulous. Mystery Man arrives and they go to Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts (depending on which is open), get coffee, and drive down to the inlet to watch the fishing boats go out for the night. She also strategically pops in the aforementioned Coltrane/Davis/Van Morrison/DMB CD.
See, the perfect night just falls into place.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
March 19, 2006 7:59pm
I....hate.....neuro.
This class is really going to kick my ass.
But you don't really want to hear about that.
Let's talk about people who use words that don't exist.
It's happened to all of us. You're talking too fast or your brain gets just a step ahead of your mouth. You want to say, "Excuse me, how much is that steak?" And instead, what comes out is "'Scuse me, how mush is sa sake?"
But then there are people who use words that don't exist and they don't know they don't exist.
For example, "Irregardless". This is not a word. The word is regardless. What you think "irregardless" means is actually already covered by regardless. It's one of those multi-purpose words. And, seriously, what do you think "irregardless" means that regardless doesn't already mean? Regardless means "taking no account of". What in the name of Fabio does putting a ir- in front of it do?
So to put this argument to rest, let's ask Webster himself (that would be the Dictionary Webster not the tv show about the height-challenged boy).
Irregardless is a word that many mistakenly believe to be correct usage in formal style, when in fact it is used chiefly in nonstandard speech or casual writing. Coined in the United States in the early 20th century, it has met with a blizzard of condemnation for being an improper yoking of irrespective and regardless and for the logical absurdity of combining the negative ir- prefix and -less suffix in a single term. Although one might reasonably argue that it is no different from words with redundant affixes like debone and unravel, it has been considered a blunder for decades and will probably continue to be so.
Next on my list of offensive word usages is adding an "s" inapropriately. This occurs most often in speech since most people are smart enough to not actually write the words "Alls" , "Anyways" , "Sos" and a plethora of other victimized words. Hearing someone do this is probably the biggest tip off about what region of the country they're from or their general disregard for how they sound to others. I won't go so far as to say this has anything to do with education, because this is more of a habit picked up from talking too fast or just not really paying attention to what's flying out of your mouth.
"Hey, Larry, sos what's your old lady gonna make for dinner tonight? I might come ova."
And before I forget, there's also the omitting of letters as in "ova". The word "ova" is actually the plural of "ovum" meaning the female egg. See how that changes the whole meaning of the sentence?
And finally, I will give a nod to those people who try to use a big word and end up using one that sounds similar but means something completely different.
To quote one of my favorite movies, The Princess Bride, "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." This was said by Inigo Montoya after Vizzini said "inconceivable" in after everything that happened.
There's the common offenses of accept and except, affect and effect, idea and ideal. Then there are those times when someone (oh, let's say a nutrition prof. in my medical school) will let loose with:
"This food is good for you. It will substantiate you for a long time."
It will what?
Substantiate means "to support with proof or evidence". So you're saying that this food will support me by providing evidence of me? I eat therefore I am!
I think what we were going for was "sustain".
Ok- there's one more kind of offender I have to throw into this list.
That would be the "Overuser". Those people who use a particular word too often. We won't include the addition of "like" into every sentence because that's a whole other subcategory.
Some of the most commonly victimized words are:
Literally
Ironic
Awesome
and the phrase "This is _______ thing I have ever seen in my entire life" and you can throw in "funniest" "largest" "smallest" "fattest" "skinniest" "ugliest" "hottest" etc etc.
Somehow, people think "Literally" means "really, really true for this exaggeration I'm about to make". You can even combine these victimized words:
"He was, literally, the hottest guy I have ever seen in my entire life!"
No, no he isn't. You've seen Colin Firth, right? Well, there ya go. You're just exaggerating about whoever this other dude is.
And Awesome? Come on! How many things are really awesome? There's probably only a handfull of things in one's life that are truly capable of causing awe. So if you're over 14, please stop using "awesome" so casually.
Ah, back to studying for my neuroscience test. Ya know what would really be awesome? If I didn't have to take it. Yeah. That would be awesome. It would be ironic, though, because I've been studying a lot for it. It would literally be the most ironic thing that has ever happened to me. Well, irregardless of if I have to take this test, I'm still going to study because I'm sudorous like that!
This class is really going to kick my ass.
But you don't really want to hear about that.
Let's talk about people who use words that don't exist.
It's happened to all of us. You're talking too fast or your brain gets just a step ahead of your mouth. You want to say, "Excuse me, how much is that steak?" And instead, what comes out is "'Scuse me, how mush is sa sake?"
But then there are people who use words that don't exist and they don't know they don't exist.
For example, "Irregardless". This is not a word. The word is regardless. What you think "irregardless" means is actually already covered by regardless. It's one of those multi-purpose words. And, seriously, what do you think "irregardless" means that regardless doesn't already mean? Regardless means "taking no account of". What in the name of Fabio does putting a ir- in front of it do?
So to put this argument to rest, let's ask Webster himself (that would be the Dictionary Webster not the tv show about the height-challenged boy).
Irregardless is a word that many mistakenly believe to be correct usage in formal style, when in fact it is used chiefly in nonstandard speech or casual writing. Coined in the United States in the early 20th century, it has met with a blizzard of condemnation for being an improper yoking of irrespective and regardless and for the logical absurdity of combining the negative ir- prefix and -less suffix in a single term. Although one might reasonably argue that it is no different from words with redundant affixes like debone and unravel, it has been considered a blunder for decades and will probably continue to be so.
Next on my list of offensive word usages is adding an "s" inapropriately. This occurs most often in speech since most people are smart enough to not actually write the words "Alls" , "Anyways" , "Sos" and a plethora of other victimized words. Hearing someone do this is probably the biggest tip off about what region of the country they're from or their general disregard for how they sound to others. I won't go so far as to say this has anything to do with education, because this is more of a habit picked up from talking too fast or just not really paying attention to what's flying out of your mouth.
"Hey, Larry, sos what's your old lady gonna make for dinner tonight? I might come ova."
And before I forget, there's also the omitting of letters as in "ova". The word "ova" is actually the plural of "ovum" meaning the female egg. See how that changes the whole meaning of the sentence?
And finally, I will give a nod to those people who try to use a big word and end up using one that sounds similar but means something completely different.
To quote one of my favorite movies, The Princess Bride, "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." This was said by Inigo Montoya after Vizzini said "inconceivable" in after everything that happened.
There's the common offenses of accept and except, affect and effect, idea and ideal. Then there are those times when someone (oh, let's say a nutrition prof. in my medical school) will let loose with:
"This food is good for you. It will substantiate you for a long time."
It will what?
Substantiate means "to support with proof or evidence". So you're saying that this food will support me by providing evidence of me? I eat therefore I am!
I think what we were going for was "sustain".
Ok- there's one more kind of offender I have to throw into this list.
That would be the "Overuser". Those people who use a particular word too often. We won't include the addition of "like" into every sentence because that's a whole other subcategory.
Some of the most commonly victimized words are:
Literally
Ironic
Awesome
and the phrase "This is _______ thing I have ever seen in my entire life" and you can throw in "funniest" "largest" "smallest" "fattest" "skinniest" "ugliest" "hottest" etc etc.
Somehow, people think "Literally" means "really, really true for this exaggeration I'm about to make". You can even combine these victimized words:
"He was, literally, the hottest guy I have ever seen in my entire life!"
No, no he isn't. You've seen Colin Firth, right? Well, there ya go. You're just exaggerating about whoever this other dude is.
And Awesome? Come on! How many things are really awesome? There's probably only a handfull of things in one's life that are truly capable of causing awe. So if you're over 14, please stop using "awesome" so casually.
Ah, back to studying for my neuroscience test. Ya know what would really be awesome? If I didn't have to take it. Yeah. That would be awesome. It would be ironic, though, because I've been studying a lot for it. It would literally be the most ironic thing that has ever happened to me. Well, irregardless of if I have to take this test, I'm still going to study because I'm sudorous like that!
Saturday, March 18, 2006
March 18, 2006 12:43pm
:::sigh::: once again, another bizarre comment from an anonymous poster.
I'm starting to wonder if this really is some random person who doesn't know me at all or very well. Clearly, by their word usage and syntax they aren't very bright. But they also make references to things that aren't true- like my parents (one of whom is deceased) and which state I am living in (which is wrong). Also, the insults are more along the line of someone who is about 14.
Hmmm. Maybe it is DB. LOL!
This is going to feel like the longest week ever! Only 5 days and one Neuroscience exam stand in the way between me and going home.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to relocate my life to a new place. What it would be like to live somewhere other than Jersey. I don't know that anyplace else would ever feel like home to me, though. I have an incredible life waiting for me back there and I really want to go back to it. Or maybe it's just that I know it so well that I wouldn't be able to feel comfortable anywhere else.
One of my favorite things to do is go to the beach at night. There's nobody there. It's quiet. Just you and the waves.
There's also something about the salty air at home that makes me sleep really well. Mountain air just isn't doing it for me.
I have a small family. My mom has one brother and one sister- both married but no children. There's my half sisters, but they all live far away. So for the most part it's just my mom, my aunts and uncles, and mom's uncle, and my grandmother. I'm the only one under 50. My grandmother, well, she doesn't leave her room much. My mother's house is more like a nursing home now. The whole thing is kind of depressing.
I think that's why it always has been (and probably always will be) so important to me to have a family of my own. I want to be able to do everything I didn't get to do or have as a kid. I want a house full of people. No tension. Everything really relaxed. I've probably been trying to put that life together in some way for years. That's why I'm so focused on school and where I'm headed in my career. I've got the house. Now I just need to fill it. I know where I'd want my kids to go to school. I know what kind of food I want to have on holidays. I know the things that are important to me.
I'm starting to wonder if this really is some random person who doesn't know me at all or very well. Clearly, by their word usage and syntax they aren't very bright. But they also make references to things that aren't true- like my parents (one of whom is deceased) and which state I am living in (which is wrong). Also, the insults are more along the line of someone who is about 14.
Hmmm. Maybe it is DB. LOL!
This is going to feel like the longest week ever! Only 5 days and one Neuroscience exam stand in the way between me and going home.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to relocate my life to a new place. What it would be like to live somewhere other than Jersey. I don't know that anyplace else would ever feel like home to me, though. I have an incredible life waiting for me back there and I really want to go back to it. Or maybe it's just that I know it so well that I wouldn't be able to feel comfortable anywhere else.
One of my favorite things to do is go to the beach at night. There's nobody there. It's quiet. Just you and the waves.
There's also something about the salty air at home that makes me sleep really well. Mountain air just isn't doing it for me.
I have a small family. My mom has one brother and one sister- both married but no children. There's my half sisters, but they all live far away. So for the most part it's just my mom, my aunts and uncles, and mom's uncle, and my grandmother. I'm the only one under 50. My grandmother, well, she doesn't leave her room much. My mother's house is more like a nursing home now. The whole thing is kind of depressing.
I think that's why it always has been (and probably always will be) so important to me to have a family of my own. I want to be able to do everything I didn't get to do or have as a kid. I want a house full of people. No tension. Everything really relaxed. I've probably been trying to put that life together in some way for years. That's why I'm so focused on school and where I'm headed in my career. I've got the house. Now I just need to fill it. I know where I'd want my kids to go to school. I know what kind of food I want to have on holidays. I know the things that are important to me.
Friday, March 17, 2006
March 17, 2006 11:27am
I'm boycotting Saint Patrick's day. I think it's a non-holiday like Halloween or Arbor Day.
Anyway, talked to a friend from home today who saw DB and a girl out for breakfast with a fat couple a few days ago. I'm pretty sure I know who the couple is and I have no doubt who the girl was.
It doesn't really matter since I already knew, but it just always stings.
It's better for him, though. She's more what he wants and needs. Someone who is at his level (actually, below) intellectually. Isn't that what most men go for? Men date down. Women date up. I broke that rule and look what happened. She isn't all career focused and doesn't have a lot of education. But most importantly, she's there. While he would never admit it, I could tell he was very angry with me for leaving. In the weeks before I moved down here for school he kept saying, "You're leaving me." As if I was somehow doing this to punish him.
I have the satisfaction of knowing who I am, where I'm going, and what I have and will accomplish is eons beyond what he could ever imagine for himself. The pisser is that he'd never get it. It will probably never occur to him what a good thing he gave up. I, on the other hand, am very aware of what I'm gaining now and that a whole new world is opening up to me.
And speaking of that whole new world. There's someone who wants to enter it. I know, I've mentioned this before in brief detail. But it's becoming much more real now that I'm heading home in a week. I'm excited and scared all at once.
It's good to have things to look forward to. I have so much that I don't even know where to begin.
Anyway, talked to a friend from home today who saw DB and a girl out for breakfast with a fat couple a few days ago. I'm pretty sure I know who the couple is and I have no doubt who the girl was.
It doesn't really matter since I already knew, but it just always stings.
It's better for him, though. She's more what he wants and needs. Someone who is at his level (actually, below) intellectually. Isn't that what most men go for? Men date down. Women date up. I broke that rule and look what happened. She isn't all career focused and doesn't have a lot of education. But most importantly, she's there. While he would never admit it, I could tell he was very angry with me for leaving. In the weeks before I moved down here for school he kept saying, "You're leaving me." As if I was somehow doing this to punish him.
I have the satisfaction of knowing who I am, where I'm going, and what I have and will accomplish is eons beyond what he could ever imagine for himself. The pisser is that he'd never get it. It will probably never occur to him what a good thing he gave up. I, on the other hand, am very aware of what I'm gaining now and that a whole new world is opening up to me.
And speaking of that whole new world. There's someone who wants to enter it. I know, I've mentioned this before in brief detail. But it's becoming much more real now that I'm heading home in a week. I'm excited and scared all at once.
It's good to have things to look forward to. I have so much that I don't even know where to begin.
March 17, 2006 12:34am
I don't mean to complain or anything, but school really blows right now.
We have a really, really, really hard class crammed into two weeks. Brilliant move on the part of the administration.
Can't do anything about it besides suck it up, though. Lots of studying and little motivation.
Need break!
Ever since I got back after Christmas, I have just faced one catastrophe or stressor after another. don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for this opportunity. But it's the external stuff that's bringing me down. The DB Debacle is pretty high on the list of crappy things to happen. Then there's my friend who is very ill right now. And don't forget the constant stress of school that makes life oh so cheery.
Blah! I need some time to recharge. This break will be nice, but I'm afraid it's too short. Exactly how long does it take to get one's head screwed back on properly?
And how do I know when it's securely there? In other words, how do I know when I'm me again? Trust is going to be a major theme in my life for a time to come.
"Anyone is capable of anything." A friend of mine told me that a long time ago. It almost indicates that nobody can be trusted. At any second, the people who you thought you could trust could turn out to be conning you all along.
But, more recently he added, "...and that anything can be something really wonderful."
Yeah, I like that philosophy.
We have a really, really, really hard class crammed into two weeks. Brilliant move on the part of the administration.
Can't do anything about it besides suck it up, though. Lots of studying and little motivation.
Need break!
Ever since I got back after Christmas, I have just faced one catastrophe or stressor after another. don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for this opportunity. But it's the external stuff that's bringing me down. The DB Debacle is pretty high on the list of crappy things to happen. Then there's my friend who is very ill right now. And don't forget the constant stress of school that makes life oh so cheery.
Blah! I need some time to recharge. This break will be nice, but I'm afraid it's too short. Exactly how long does it take to get one's head screwed back on properly?
And how do I know when it's securely there? In other words, how do I know when I'm me again? Trust is going to be a major theme in my life for a time to come.
"Anyone is capable of anything." A friend of mine told me that a long time ago. It almost indicates that nobody can be trusted. At any second, the people who you thought you could trust could turn out to be conning you all along.
But, more recently he added, "...and that anything can be something really wonderful."
Yeah, I like that philosophy.
Monday, March 13, 2006
March 13, 2006 12:08pm
What an absolutely gorgeous day!
Crap. Here comes rain cloud. Story of my life.
Had a great weekend. Went to visit my sister. Stayed from Friday until last night. We did loads of fun things. Saturday night was great. We went through the better part of a bottle of vodka and I got extremely loose lips. I was going on and on about all the crappy things in mine and DB's relationship.
In my more sober hours, though, I realized that everything I said was true. Lots of it really was miserable for me. His immaturity, his lack of education, his lack of understanding of- well, just about everything, that we came from very different sides of the tracks and his family seemed to resent my side of those tracks, that we couldn't communicate about things like culture, art, wine, food because he just didn't "get" it. It frustrated me. Not that I expect everyone in the world to be like me, but you want to be able to share some things with the person you're spending your life with. I thought I could overlook all of that because he was still a good person and would be a good father.
But would he? Would someone who doesn't even want to talk about things like bills, mortgage, job, school (basically, anything serious) be a good, responsible parent?
Different values. Different lifestyles. Different goals.
It doesn't mean one set is better than another, it just means they are different and don't always mix well.
So now it's back to school for two weeks before I get to go home for spring break! I know I've already mentioned how excited I am to go home, but I just wanted to say it again. I can't wait to go home! The sand, the beach, the pork roll, the pizza! My friends will be around!
Sometimes, life is just grand.
I spent most of the weekend drinking and eating major junk food, so now I feel like I need to detox a bit.
And one more thing. Don't you hate when you wait by the phone to hear from someone? Doesn't it make you feel very pathetic? I mean, if they aren't calling then they must be off doing something else that doesn't involve thinking about you. Argh!
Crap. Here comes rain cloud. Story of my life.
Had a great weekend. Went to visit my sister. Stayed from Friday until last night. We did loads of fun things. Saturday night was great. We went through the better part of a bottle of vodka and I got extremely loose lips. I was going on and on about all the crappy things in mine and DB's relationship.
In my more sober hours, though, I realized that everything I said was true. Lots of it really was miserable for me. His immaturity, his lack of education, his lack of understanding of- well, just about everything, that we came from very different sides of the tracks and his family seemed to resent my side of those tracks, that we couldn't communicate about things like culture, art, wine, food because he just didn't "get" it. It frustrated me. Not that I expect everyone in the world to be like me, but you want to be able to share some things with the person you're spending your life with. I thought I could overlook all of that because he was still a good person and would be a good father.
But would he? Would someone who doesn't even want to talk about things like bills, mortgage, job, school (basically, anything serious) be a good, responsible parent?
Different values. Different lifestyles. Different goals.
It doesn't mean one set is better than another, it just means they are different and don't always mix well.
So now it's back to school for two weeks before I get to go home for spring break! I know I've already mentioned how excited I am to go home, but I just wanted to say it again. I can't wait to go home! The sand, the beach, the pork roll, the pizza! My friends will be around!
Sometimes, life is just grand.
I spent most of the weekend drinking and eating major junk food, so now I feel like I need to detox a bit.
And one more thing. Don't you hate when you wait by the phone to hear from someone? Doesn't it make you feel very pathetic? I mean, if they aren't calling then they must be off doing something else that doesn't involve thinking about you. Argh!
Thursday, March 09, 2006
March 9, 2006 5:04pm
I fixed my computer.
No, you don't understand. This is huge.
See, for my entire adult life I have relied on DB to fix problems for me. It didn't matter if it was a flat tire, a funny noise in my car, a busted light bulb, or a computer problem- I always went to him. He fixed things for me.
Now, I don't have that as an option. A month ago, I was a little panicked about what I was going to do when crap happened.
But now I'm starting to see that I really can do a lot for myself.
No, you don't understand. This is huge.
See, for my entire adult life I have relied on DB to fix problems for me. It didn't matter if it was a flat tire, a funny noise in my car, a busted light bulb, or a computer problem- I always went to him. He fixed things for me.
Now, I don't have that as an option. A month ago, I was a little panicked about what I was going to do when crap happened.
But now I'm starting to see that I really can do a lot for myself.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
March 8, 2006 9:45pm
I feel like crap. It probably has something to do with the fact that I've been averaging about 3 hours of sleep every night, taking an exam every day, and have been eating crap for the past 4 days.
This weekend I'll have a chance to fix myself.
I'm going to spend some time with my sister, Blair. Not sure what we're going to do yet. I guess it will depend on the weather.
One more exam tomorrow and then I can sleep for a long, long time. Well, at least until Friday morning.
No other word from DB. Odd that he would decide that two nights ago is when he would contact me when he didn't for over a month. I can't pretend to understand him. We just don't think on the same level.
This weekend I'll have a chance to fix myself.
I'm going to spend some time with my sister, Blair. Not sure what we're going to do yet. I guess it will depend on the weather.
One more exam tomorrow and then I can sleep for a long, long time. Well, at least until Friday morning.
No other word from DB. Odd that he would decide that two nights ago is when he would contact me when he didn't for over a month. I can't pretend to understand him. We just don't think on the same level.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
March 7, 2006 9:21pm
Got an email from DB last night with a list of all the things he took from the house. Some of it was rather petty- like the fire wood (who does shit like that?). It was funny the way he listed everything. "My TV" "My stereo" "The dishes, pots, and silverware my mother gave me for the apartment". Hmmm. I, me, mine. I don't really care. It was all cheap stuff and the dishes were ass ugly. "The pool table light I made". Um, which he gave me as a gift.
So, I got that email around 11 last night and instantly had a breakdown. Nice. The night before a huge exam during block week. I was talking to a friend of mine at the time and he told me not to read it. Too late. As, N said, "Wow, he really is a douche bag." Yeppers.
I wrote him back, which N said was a mistake. I guess. I asked him why he was so petty to take things that are really only useful in that house (ie the pool table light) and not at his parents' house where he's living now. I also said that since he's insisting on staying at the places we goth go to, then we're going to have to find a way to coexist peacefully.
Blah!
Onto other things. Read Beej's post on random body hairs.
When I was about 20, I started to notice that I was getting these random crazy hairs on parts of me that aren't supposed to have hair...like my cheek, chin, and chest (which Beej very eloquently refers to as Nipskers). There has to be some reason for this. Why did my body just randomly decide "Hey, I think it would be a good idea to have one crazy long hair right THERE." Men don't have this problem. Hair just grows everywhere and it's ok because it's supposed to. It doesn't matter if it's on their legs, arms, chest, back (though that's always gross) or anywhere else. But why does this have to happen to me?
And what's going to happen when I'm 90 years old and don't have the corrdination to tweeze these out anymore? Will someone do it for me? Will they even care in the nursing home? Or will I have to be one of those pathetic creatures with a party hat and a cupcake in front of them on any given holiday? And there I'll be with my crazy hairs coming out of my chin.
That brings me to another topic. Why do we patronize the elderly in nursing homes by putting party hats on them, bows in their hair, and candy necklaces around their neck? It seems to be very commonly done with women there. These are women who have lived through the great depression. They raised families. Many of them had careers as teachers, nurses, and a thousand other things. Some of them lost husbands at a young age and were left alone to take care of their family. And when they're at the end of their life, someone 50 years younger than them has the nerve to stick a bow in their hair. They haven't had a bow in their hair since the age of 4. Why is it necessary to have one at 80 or 90?
So, I got that email around 11 last night and instantly had a breakdown. Nice. The night before a huge exam during block week. I was talking to a friend of mine at the time and he told me not to read it. Too late. As, N said, "Wow, he really is a douche bag." Yeppers.
I wrote him back, which N said was a mistake. I guess. I asked him why he was so petty to take things that are really only useful in that house (ie the pool table light) and not at his parents' house where he's living now. I also said that since he's insisting on staying at the places we goth go to, then we're going to have to find a way to coexist peacefully.
Blah!
Onto other things. Read Beej's post on random body hairs.
When I was about 20, I started to notice that I was getting these random crazy hairs on parts of me that aren't supposed to have hair...like my cheek, chin, and chest (which Beej very eloquently refers to as Nipskers). There has to be some reason for this. Why did my body just randomly decide "Hey, I think it would be a good idea to have one crazy long hair right THERE." Men don't have this problem. Hair just grows everywhere and it's ok because it's supposed to. It doesn't matter if it's on their legs, arms, chest, back (though that's always gross) or anywhere else. But why does this have to happen to me?
And what's going to happen when I'm 90 years old and don't have the corrdination to tweeze these out anymore? Will someone do it for me? Will they even care in the nursing home? Or will I have to be one of those pathetic creatures with a party hat and a cupcake in front of them on any given holiday? And there I'll be with my crazy hairs coming out of my chin.
That brings me to another topic. Why do we patronize the elderly in nursing homes by putting party hats on them, bows in their hair, and candy necklaces around their neck? It seems to be very commonly done with women there. These are women who have lived through the great depression. They raised families. Many of them had careers as teachers, nurses, and a thousand other things. Some of them lost husbands at a young age and were left alone to take care of their family. And when they're at the end of their life, someone 50 years younger than them has the nerve to stick a bow in their hair. They haven't had a bow in their hair since the age of 4. Why is it necessary to have one at 80 or 90?
Monday, March 06, 2006
March 6, 2006 12:25am
I'm having computer issues. That's probably one of the most frustrating things for someone to deal with- especially someone who can't fix their own computer issues.
The fan won't shut off. I start my computer and as soon as I open a program it kicks on. Then it kicks on higher and I swear it actually levitates. Very, very loud Mo Fo! And when the fan is doing that, everything runs slow and I can't really run more than one thing at a time.
And I'm assuming I lost my helpful computer friend in the DB split, so I'm sort of on my own. A friend at school suggested a few things, but I can't really fiddle with it until after exams are over.
I did call Dell and got someone who was probably in Calcutta. He went through his little chart of dumbass things like "try turning it off and then on again" and finally decided he was stumped. Told me he'd call me back in a half hour. That was about two weeks ago. Needless to say, I'd really like to get this fixed without having to make that phone call again.
What else? What else? Hmmmm. I want to go home. I want to be in my house and sleep in my bed. My mom had me order a new comforter and sheet set online and she threw out my old ones. She seemed really, really eager to toss what was there. "Out with the old!" she said. Fresh sheets = fresh start. I guess it is better that I not use the sheets with the stains from where DB had his wisdom teeth out and drooled blood and the white ones that were permanently stained grey because he washed them so infrequently when I wasn't there. Ick!
I value hygiene highly. I think I'm going to add that to my list of qualities I'm looking for in someone. Must be clean. Must love dogs.
Must be gainfully employed.
College educated.
Republican.
Christian- Catholic preferred.
Taller than me.
Like the beach.
And rain storms.
Resemble Colin Firth.
That last one is negotiable.
I wonder if Colin Firth is short. That would be a major bummer.
When I go home, I'm going to eat at all the places I don't have down here....Squan Tavern, Surf Taco, Java Moon Cafe, and any seafood I can get my hands on.
I'm also going to clean out the closets at the house. Fun fun!
Rearrange the kitchen.
Get color samples from the paint store.
Have people over.
I'm sad that it's only a week, but I'll be back again in two months for the summer.
The summer should be fun too. I'll be working on the house, hanging out with friends, spending a ton of time at the beach with Amy, catching up on all the reading I want to do but never have time for and just relaxing.
I want to feel peaceful again.
The fan won't shut off. I start my computer and as soon as I open a program it kicks on. Then it kicks on higher and I swear it actually levitates. Very, very loud Mo Fo! And when the fan is doing that, everything runs slow and I can't really run more than one thing at a time.
And I'm assuming I lost my helpful computer friend in the DB split, so I'm sort of on my own. A friend at school suggested a few things, but I can't really fiddle with it until after exams are over.
I did call Dell and got someone who was probably in Calcutta. He went through his little chart of dumbass things like "try turning it off and then on again" and finally decided he was stumped. Told me he'd call me back in a half hour. That was about two weeks ago. Needless to say, I'd really like to get this fixed without having to make that phone call again.
What else? What else? Hmmmm. I want to go home. I want to be in my house and sleep in my bed. My mom had me order a new comforter and sheet set online and she threw out my old ones. She seemed really, really eager to toss what was there. "Out with the old!" she said. Fresh sheets = fresh start. I guess it is better that I not use the sheets with the stains from where DB had his wisdom teeth out and drooled blood and the white ones that were permanently stained grey because he washed them so infrequently when I wasn't there. Ick!
I value hygiene highly. I think I'm going to add that to my list of qualities I'm looking for in someone. Must be clean. Must love dogs.
Must be gainfully employed.
College educated.
Republican.
Christian- Catholic preferred.
Taller than me.
Like the beach.
And rain storms.
Resemble Colin Firth.
That last one is negotiable.
I wonder if Colin Firth is short. That would be a major bummer.
When I go home, I'm going to eat at all the places I don't have down here....Squan Tavern, Surf Taco, Java Moon Cafe, and any seafood I can get my hands on.
I'm also going to clean out the closets at the house. Fun fun!
Rearrange the kitchen.
Get color samples from the paint store.
Have people over.
I'm sad that it's only a week, but I'll be back again in two months for the summer.
The summer should be fun too. I'll be working on the house, hanging out with friends, spending a ton of time at the beach with Amy, catching up on all the reading I want to do but never have time for and just relaxing.
I want to feel peaceful again.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
March 4, 2006 12:01pm
I'm wondering if DB has ever read this blog. He didn't know it existed. Well, actually, he did know that I opened up my web site again, but he didn't express any interest in looking at it. The only way he would know about this is if someone else told him and he decided to see what I'm saying about him.
I don't mind because I haven't said anything here that I wouldn't say to him directly if he would speak to me. Actually, I'd probably be less inclined to be angry or to draw my own conclusions about things if he would give me honest answers. I've said a lot of things here about him and about our relationship, but every one of them has been true. Since not many people know about this blog, he can't say I'm trying to ruin his reputation. I think he's done a good job of that himself.
Better to be silent and be thought a fool........
So, on to happier thoughts.
Last entry, I wrote about my imaginary friend from when I was a kid.
Do you ever play the "what if" game? Going over possible scenarios in your head and playing them out the way you want them to happen? It can be as simple as a conversation you're going to have with someone or as detailed as a date with Colin Firth.
I think that's how I end up being disappointed, though. I think things will go a certain way and they rarely happen that way.
On the flip side of that, I'm afraid that now I won't want to ever think about anything good because I'm afraid of getting hurt again. It's a fine line between hope and expectation.
But is it always a bad thing to have expectations? Shouldn't there be some basic expectations in a relationship? Honesty? Loyalty? Continuity- that if everything is ok one day it will still be ok the next day? That things stay roughly the same, or if they do change that you're in it together and you're not getting whacked between the eyes. Or if there is a change or a problem then it is addressed early- before it escalates and spins out of control.
Bah! Sidetracked again! Happy things!
I bought a really great sweater the other day. There's something really wonderful about putting something on that makes you look and feel fabulous. It makes the whole day just a little bit better. Especially if you know you got it for 75% off from Overstock.com!
Blocks are coming. I have exams this week.
I was watching some tv show on E!. Not sure what it's called, but it has Lisa Loeb in it. And she's still got those weird glasses. Anyway, it's apparently a reality show about her trying to find love. So she goes on all these dates and keeps ending up with weird guys. Last I knew, she was with Dweezil Zappa forever, but I guess they broke up. Never, ever date a guy with a funny name. It indicates there's some weird family issues. So, in the episode that I saw, she has this guy friend who she hangs out with all the time. She's always complaining about how bad her dates are, etc etc. And then they're at this party where she's flirting with different men and the friend is getting jealous. He starts being really playful with her and trying to feed her cheese and he kisses her. The episode ended with a voiceover of her saying something about finding love that's always been right in front of you, waiting for the right moment.
The previews for next episode show them at a sperm bank, so I don't really get where that's going.
Anyway, so is that really possible? That the perfect person is right in front of you and you'd never know it. Is it better to be friends first? Or does that put unnecessary pressure on the relationship because if it doesn't work out, you lose a friend too? Does it make the relationship move faster because you already know so much about each other? Is it like starting a book at Chapter 5?
These are all questions I'm wrestling with at the moment, so any input is appreciated.
My current thoughts are that it is better to be friends first. In fact, that might even put less pressure on the relationship because it wouldn't have changed to the "more than friends" stage if there wasn't already an attraction. That's different from going out with someone who you just met and know nothing about. In that case, the attraction may be just physical or based on the little bit that you do know about each other. Then you go out and realize that he listens to Kenny G and the attraction is all gone.
I think it probably does make the relationship move faster- meaning physically and emotionally- because you're already comfortable with each other. But it's still new, because you're getting to know each other in a different way.
I don't mind because I haven't said anything here that I wouldn't say to him directly if he would speak to me. Actually, I'd probably be less inclined to be angry or to draw my own conclusions about things if he would give me honest answers. I've said a lot of things here about him and about our relationship, but every one of them has been true. Since not many people know about this blog, he can't say I'm trying to ruin his reputation. I think he's done a good job of that himself.
Better to be silent and be thought a fool........
So, on to happier thoughts.
Last entry, I wrote about my imaginary friend from when I was a kid.
Do you ever play the "what if" game? Going over possible scenarios in your head and playing them out the way you want them to happen? It can be as simple as a conversation you're going to have with someone or as detailed as a date with Colin Firth.
I think that's how I end up being disappointed, though. I think things will go a certain way and they rarely happen that way.
On the flip side of that, I'm afraid that now I won't want to ever think about anything good because I'm afraid of getting hurt again. It's a fine line between hope and expectation.
But is it always a bad thing to have expectations? Shouldn't there be some basic expectations in a relationship? Honesty? Loyalty? Continuity- that if everything is ok one day it will still be ok the next day? That things stay roughly the same, or if they do change that you're in it together and you're not getting whacked between the eyes. Or if there is a change or a problem then it is addressed early- before it escalates and spins out of control.
Bah! Sidetracked again! Happy things!
I bought a really great sweater the other day. There's something really wonderful about putting something on that makes you look and feel fabulous. It makes the whole day just a little bit better. Especially if you know you got it for 75% off from Overstock.com!
Blocks are coming. I have exams this week.
I was watching some tv show on E!. Not sure what it's called, but it has Lisa Loeb in it. And she's still got those weird glasses. Anyway, it's apparently a reality show about her trying to find love. So she goes on all these dates and keeps ending up with weird guys. Last I knew, she was with Dweezil Zappa forever, but I guess they broke up. Never, ever date a guy with a funny name. It indicates there's some weird family issues. So, in the episode that I saw, she has this guy friend who she hangs out with all the time. She's always complaining about how bad her dates are, etc etc. And then they're at this party where she's flirting with different men and the friend is getting jealous. He starts being really playful with her and trying to feed her cheese and he kisses her. The episode ended with a voiceover of her saying something about finding love that's always been right in front of you, waiting for the right moment.
The previews for next episode show them at a sperm bank, so I don't really get where that's going.
Anyway, so is that really possible? That the perfect person is right in front of you and you'd never know it. Is it better to be friends first? Or does that put unnecessary pressure on the relationship because if it doesn't work out, you lose a friend too? Does it make the relationship move faster because you already know so much about each other? Is it like starting a book at Chapter 5?
These are all questions I'm wrestling with at the moment, so any input is appreciated.
My current thoughts are that it is better to be friends first. In fact, that might even put less pressure on the relationship because it wouldn't have changed to the "more than friends" stage if there wasn't already an attraction. That's different from going out with someone who you just met and know nothing about. In that case, the attraction may be just physical or based on the little bit that you do know about each other. Then you go out and realize that he listens to Kenny G and the attraction is all gone.
I think it probably does make the relationship move faster- meaning physically and emotionally- because you're already comfortable with each other. But it's still new, because you're getting to know each other in a different way.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
March 2, 2006 6:21pm
Dinner....dinner...dinner.... why is it always such a pain to figure out dinner? No other meal of the day gives people so much grief as dinner.
What if switched our eating habits and ate dinner food for breakfast? Would this be easier? We would have a big meal first thing in the morning when we're awake and alert and looking forward to the day. Then, at 6:00 when life is just shitty we could grab a bowl of cereal and a powerbar.
I have a friend who is sick. He's really sick, actually, and I'm worried about him but can't do anything about it from here. I couldn't do anything about it even if I was back home anyway. He's been through a lot and it makes me realize how lucky I really am to have the life that I have. The last month and a half have been crappy, no doubt, but for the most part, life is good for me. I don't have a lot of worries- nor should I.
I'd hate to spend a lifetime worrying about things I have no control over only to end up with some major problem one day that actually is worth worrying about. By then I will have used up all of my worrying ability and crossed right into full blown panic. What's worse is that I would have wasted plenty of good time worrying about other stuff and then when life really gets miserable, I'll feel even worse. Then I'll never have anything good to look back on because I've just been a basket case as far as I can think back.
So, no worries. At least not now.
It's hard to not worry, though, because I've always had a plan. Changes are okay and I adjust my plan accordingly. But there's always been a plan in place. And everything in my life was integrated into this plan. School, house, DB, career, pets, kids, flower garden, you name it. All part of my plan. Yeah, I'm a micromanager. It's really difficult for me to give up those reigns and just let my life play out.
My plan is a little different now. I still have a general idea, I guess. Finish medical school then do an internship and residency and fellowship. Buy out my house from my mother. Get a dog. The whole marriage and family aspect of it is up in the air now. I don't have a strategic plan for that anymore. It's sort of a nice feeling to know that anything could happen. But it's also scary because- anything could happen.
I like to daydream and my plans always gave me something to daydream about. One of my favorites was thinking about DB and I in our home. Sitting by the fireplace or out on the deck when it is cool out with one of those outdoor metal fire pits. A dog and a kid or two..or three. Boring life, I guess, but perfect and comfortable.
I still want that, but I'm afraid to think about it. Mostly because I don't have the husband to put in that picture. I could always insert Colin Firth. But that accent would lead me to a totally different kind of daydream! More importantly, it's not going to happen and I tend to get my hopes wrapped up in my daydreams. Putting someone in that dream is just setting myself up for disappointment and heartbreak again.
I used to have this teddy bear. A panda bear. My nanny bought him for me. I can't remember where we were, but I saw it and wanted it. I'm pretty sure I still have it somewhere back at the house. Anyway, the bear never had a name until I got a crush on a boy at school in 1st grade. Then he became Michael the panda bear. I would take him all over the house and we would watch movies and read books and sit outside and play. And on some level it made me feel like the actual kid was there hanging out with me. Now I still do that in a more socially acceptable way with my daydreams.
I also had an imaginary friend when I was little. Her name was Kate. She was everything I wasn't and she could do everything I was too afraid to do. She was petite - I was always the tallest and fattest in the class. She could ride a two wheeler before I could. She could rollerskate better than I could. She could climb higher in the trees than I could. But she always taught me how to do those things and encouraged me. She never had to do homework, though.
If I get more time, I'll write more memories from my childhood. I feel like I'm on a roll and I'm enjoying this.
What if switched our eating habits and ate dinner food for breakfast? Would this be easier? We would have a big meal first thing in the morning when we're awake and alert and looking forward to the day. Then, at 6:00 when life is just shitty we could grab a bowl of cereal and a powerbar.
I have a friend who is sick. He's really sick, actually, and I'm worried about him but can't do anything about it from here. I couldn't do anything about it even if I was back home anyway. He's been through a lot and it makes me realize how lucky I really am to have the life that I have. The last month and a half have been crappy, no doubt, but for the most part, life is good for me. I don't have a lot of worries- nor should I.
I'd hate to spend a lifetime worrying about things I have no control over only to end up with some major problem one day that actually is worth worrying about. By then I will have used up all of my worrying ability and crossed right into full blown panic. What's worse is that I would have wasted plenty of good time worrying about other stuff and then when life really gets miserable, I'll feel even worse. Then I'll never have anything good to look back on because I've just been a basket case as far as I can think back.
So, no worries. At least not now.
It's hard to not worry, though, because I've always had a plan. Changes are okay and I adjust my plan accordingly. But there's always been a plan in place. And everything in my life was integrated into this plan. School, house, DB, career, pets, kids, flower garden, you name it. All part of my plan. Yeah, I'm a micromanager. It's really difficult for me to give up those reigns and just let my life play out.
My plan is a little different now. I still have a general idea, I guess. Finish medical school then do an internship and residency and fellowship. Buy out my house from my mother. Get a dog. The whole marriage and family aspect of it is up in the air now. I don't have a strategic plan for that anymore. It's sort of a nice feeling to know that anything could happen. But it's also scary because- anything could happen.
I like to daydream and my plans always gave me something to daydream about. One of my favorites was thinking about DB and I in our home. Sitting by the fireplace or out on the deck when it is cool out with one of those outdoor metal fire pits. A dog and a kid or two..or three. Boring life, I guess, but perfect and comfortable.
I still want that, but I'm afraid to think about it. Mostly because I don't have the husband to put in that picture. I could always insert Colin Firth. But that accent would lead me to a totally different kind of daydream! More importantly, it's not going to happen and I tend to get my hopes wrapped up in my daydreams. Putting someone in that dream is just setting myself up for disappointment and heartbreak again.
I used to have this teddy bear. A panda bear. My nanny bought him for me. I can't remember where we were, but I saw it and wanted it. I'm pretty sure I still have it somewhere back at the house. Anyway, the bear never had a name until I got a crush on a boy at school in 1st grade. Then he became Michael the panda bear. I would take him all over the house and we would watch movies and read books and sit outside and play. And on some level it made me feel like the actual kid was there hanging out with me. Now I still do that in a more socially acceptable way with my daydreams.
I also had an imaginary friend when I was little. Her name was Kate. She was everything I wasn't and she could do everything I was too afraid to do. She was petite - I was always the tallest and fattest in the class. She could ride a two wheeler before I could. She could rollerskate better than I could. She could climb higher in the trees than I could. But she always taught me how to do those things and encouraged me. She never had to do homework, though.
If I get more time, I'll write more memories from my childhood. I feel like I'm on a roll and I'm enjoying this.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
March 1, 2006 4:51pm
As I said in another post, it's really amazing how your life just changes in the blink of an eye.
Three months ago, I never, ever could have predicted what my life would be like now. I was blissfully planning a wedding. Hell, 24 hours before he came down to end our relationship I couldn't have predicted it since he talked to me as if there was nothing wrong.
For the most part, I'm ok. Those first few days, though, I didn't know how I was ever going to feel like myself again. I was truly scared that so much of me was wrapped up with him that I didn't know who I was anymore.
It's difficult, because I will never get the kind of closure I'm looking for. I'll never get honest answers to the questions I have.
He said he finally realized how much he missed his family. And I guess I was keeping him from that? I don't know how other than that with me he lived a whole 10 miles away from them.
He was mad at me for not being what he wanted- someone who would stay home with his kids and take care of him and them. That would be fine if that's the life I wanted, but it isn't. And he might want to think about getting a job that makes more than $11 an hour if he wants that life. I doubt he'll have a mother in-law who will support him like my mom did. I am not June Cleaver, and I never will be.
So, the only thing I did wrong was to be myself. Why did it take him 8 years and an engagement to decide that who I am is so horrible?
And I don't think I'm such a bad person. I have some habits and qualities that I'm not always proud of, but I don't think that makes me so terrible overall. Nobody is perfect. Plus, some other people think I'm pretty darn cool.
Life will be ok. One day I'll meet someone who is proud of who I am and isn't angry with me for moving 500 miles away. Well, probably by then I won't be 500 miles away nor will I be moving again, but you get the general idea.
Know what I hate about money? That it runs out. Granted, it is a somewhat renewable resource. But that doesn't help me now that I don't have a job and won't have one for another 3 years.
there isn't a lot of stuff that I want or need. But there's little stuff that I want...cd's, movies, food from Bob Evans...and I need money to get them, but don't have much of it.
Though I have developed quite a taste for Ramen.
Three months ago, I never, ever could have predicted what my life would be like now. I was blissfully planning a wedding. Hell, 24 hours before he came down to end our relationship I couldn't have predicted it since he talked to me as if there was nothing wrong.
For the most part, I'm ok. Those first few days, though, I didn't know how I was ever going to feel like myself again. I was truly scared that so much of me was wrapped up with him that I didn't know who I was anymore.
It's difficult, because I will never get the kind of closure I'm looking for. I'll never get honest answers to the questions I have.
He said he finally realized how much he missed his family. And I guess I was keeping him from that? I don't know how other than that with me he lived a whole 10 miles away from them.
He was mad at me for not being what he wanted- someone who would stay home with his kids and take care of him and them. That would be fine if that's the life I wanted, but it isn't. And he might want to think about getting a job that makes more than $11 an hour if he wants that life. I doubt he'll have a mother in-law who will support him like my mom did. I am not June Cleaver, and I never will be.
So, the only thing I did wrong was to be myself. Why did it take him 8 years and an engagement to decide that who I am is so horrible?
And I don't think I'm such a bad person. I have some habits and qualities that I'm not always proud of, but I don't think that makes me so terrible overall. Nobody is perfect. Plus, some other people think I'm pretty darn cool.
Life will be ok. One day I'll meet someone who is proud of who I am and isn't angry with me for moving 500 miles away. Well, probably by then I won't be 500 miles away nor will I be moving again, but you get the general idea.
Know what I hate about money? That it runs out. Granted, it is a somewhat renewable resource. But that doesn't help me now that I don't have a job and won't have one for another 3 years.
there isn't a lot of stuff that I want or need. But there's little stuff that I want...cd's, movies, food from Bob Evans...and I need money to get them, but don't have much of it.
Though I have developed quite a taste for Ramen.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
February 28, 2006 1:30am
Why do people have to be so awful to each other?
I have come to the conclusion that most people are genuinely good at heart, but just have absolutely no sense. That is the only thing that can account for why seemingly good people can go so very bad in the blink of an eye. And I know my situation is not unique since I have a friend who just went through something similar. Two, actually.
I miss Jersey.
New Jersey is the best place to live. Nevermind the corruption, high taxes, and absurd car insurance. That can all be forgotten with one bite of a pork roll egg and cheese sandwich. Pure heaven on a bun, or bagel as it may be. My preference is for a sesame seed bagel, should anyone be looking to get me breakfast one Sunday morning.
Sunday morning rain is falling
I would love to wake up on a Sunday morning and have someone go out to get breakfast for us. The key, of course, is to know exactly what I'd want without actually having to wake me to find out. Extra points if they know which newspapers I read and just how I like my coffee.
Steal some covers share some skin
I wrote in an old post that I had a comfortable groove before I left for school and I was scared I wouldn't get it back. If I only knew then. But, I think I need a new groove. One that includes what I just said.
Clouds are shrounding us in moments unforgetable
Because that comfortable feeling you have with someone who knows you so well that they don't have to ask how you want your eggs, which side of the bed you sleep on, if you like red or blue, pepsi or coke and what your hair smells like just can't be replaced by anything else. Nothing is that comfortable. It's like that blanket you had when you were a kid that was always the perfect temperature. It kept you warm in the winter and it was cool to the touch in the summer. The colors and print were slightly faded and it always smelled like fabric softener.
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
A comfortable groove.
I have come to the conclusion that most people are genuinely good at heart, but just have absolutely no sense. That is the only thing that can account for why seemingly good people can go so very bad in the blink of an eye. And I know my situation is not unique since I have a friend who just went through something similar. Two, actually.
I miss Jersey.
New Jersey is the best place to live. Nevermind the corruption, high taxes, and absurd car insurance. That can all be forgotten with one bite of a pork roll egg and cheese sandwich. Pure heaven on a bun, or bagel as it may be. My preference is for a sesame seed bagel, should anyone be looking to get me breakfast one Sunday morning.
Sunday morning rain is falling
I would love to wake up on a Sunday morning and have someone go out to get breakfast for us. The key, of course, is to know exactly what I'd want without actually having to wake me to find out. Extra points if they know which newspapers I read and just how I like my coffee.
Steal some covers share some skin
I wrote in an old post that I had a comfortable groove before I left for school and I was scared I wouldn't get it back. If I only knew then. But, I think I need a new groove. One that includes what I just said.
Clouds are shrounding us in moments unforgetable
Because that comfortable feeling you have with someone who knows you so well that they don't have to ask how you want your eggs, which side of the bed you sleep on, if you like red or blue, pepsi or coke and what your hair smells like just can't be replaced by anything else. Nothing is that comfortable. It's like that blanket you had when you were a kid that was always the perfect temperature. It kept you warm in the winter and it was cool to the touch in the summer. The colors and print were slightly faded and it always smelled like fabric softener.
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
A comfortable groove.
Friday, February 24, 2006
February 24, 2006 3:16pm
Once again, my blog was invaded by some pests. Oh well.
I've narrowed it down to tow people. One being a weirdo on a message board I occasionally post on. The other is a friend of DB's who, well, let's just say is very much like him.....nothing special or worth getting upset over.
There are only a few people who call me "Liz" and the pest posts called me that. I can eliminate all of my friends so that leaves only people on a message board I go to and most of DB's friends.
I know all of the friends who we had mutually but who were really *more* his friends than mine have decided to take sides. That's okay. In most instances, it isn't a really great loss to me. But, for the two in particular who I really enjoyed spending time with-I'm kinda sad about that. I don't know, maybe it's weird for them too since we all got along so well and now it's all over.
One of these pest posts made reference to who helped DB paint the dining room. Frankly, I really don't care if he had strippers and drug dealers painting with him. It means I don't have to do it and hey, free labor is always good! And I don't care who or what he is or is not seeing or doing right now. So you can make all the comments you want about his "new girlfriend", and it really doesn't matter. Our relationship is over and nothing that happens next can sting any more than that.
As far as he realizing he is too good for me? He may think that. Actually, wait, he hasn't had an original thought in his head since..well, ever. So, someone told him that. That's fine. He can think whatever he wants. And the people who are at his level will think the same . It has nothing to do with being "too good", but just not being in the same place in our lives and going in totally different directions.
Regardless, it does not excuse how he chose to handle this and lie to me. Everything else I can pity him for. That, well, that's where the blinding rage comes from.
So, onto nicer things.....
Well, diseased things at least. I have a pathology exam on Monday so most of my weekend will be tied up with that. And I have a friend who I'm going to spend some time with while he's bummed.
School is sanity for me.
And so is redecorating! I've been working out some ideas in my head for stuff to do with the house. I'm going to redo the Great Room. Right now, it has a pool table in it. I don't want to get rid of that because people tend to gravitate to it and it's a nice thing when entertaining. But I'm going to paint over the really dark wood on the ceiling and on the wood border around the room. That should lighten it up a bit. Some French doors will give it a bit of formality. I'm going to go with a wine and game theme and put in a wine refrigerator/rack and some kickin' art. I found this great contemporary artist.... Leanne Laine
I hope to get some of her pieces in that room.
Also need to redo the master bedroom. I want to paint it a neutral color like beige and then add accents in bright red. I already got a new bed set from Overstock and I'm scowering the internet for some interesting red art or accent pieces.
Decorating a house is fun. I like looking for bargains and new ideas. I'm so glad I decided not to sell the house. I think Amy would have kicked my ass if I decided to sell the place. That's my home damnit! It's not as if DB and I had a lifetime of memories in it together. I was there for two weeks with him and for most of those two weeks he was moody, ignored me, or snapped at everything I said. Happy times! It really is a kick ass house. I'll put up pictures after spring break.
I'm also going to redo the master bathroom. It has (and no, I'm not making this up) a pink heart shaped spa tub it in. Oh, but it gets better... the air that comes into the tub to bubble it is vented from the outside. So, I had a blast sitting in that in December. That thing needs to go. I don't know how they'll get it out of the bathroom, much less out of the house. I want to replace it with an awesomely huge shower.
Honestly, why shouldn't I be happy right now? I have an awesome house to go home to. I have a blindingly bright future. I have some of the coolest friends anyone could ask for.
To quote Roberto Benigni: "Life is Beautiful".
I've narrowed it down to tow people. One being a weirdo on a message board I occasionally post on. The other is a friend of DB's who, well, let's just say is very much like him.....nothing special or worth getting upset over.
There are only a few people who call me "Liz" and the pest posts called me that. I can eliminate all of my friends so that leaves only people on a message board I go to and most of DB's friends.
I know all of the friends who we had mutually but who were really *more* his friends than mine have decided to take sides. That's okay. In most instances, it isn't a really great loss to me. But, for the two in particular who I really enjoyed spending time with-I'm kinda sad about that. I don't know, maybe it's weird for them too since we all got along so well and now it's all over.
One of these pest posts made reference to who helped DB paint the dining room. Frankly, I really don't care if he had strippers and drug dealers painting with him. It means I don't have to do it and hey, free labor is always good! And I don't care who or what he is or is not seeing or doing right now. So you can make all the comments you want about his "new girlfriend", and it really doesn't matter. Our relationship is over and nothing that happens next can sting any more than that.
As far as he realizing he is too good for me? He may think that. Actually, wait, he hasn't had an original thought in his head since..well, ever. So, someone told him that. That's fine. He can think whatever he wants. And the people who are at his level will think the same . It has nothing to do with being "too good", but just not being in the same place in our lives and going in totally different directions.
Regardless, it does not excuse how he chose to handle this and lie to me. Everything else I can pity him for. That, well, that's where the blinding rage comes from.
So, onto nicer things.....
Well, diseased things at least. I have a pathology exam on Monday so most of my weekend will be tied up with that. And I have a friend who I'm going to spend some time with while he's bummed.
School is sanity for me.
And so is redecorating! I've been working out some ideas in my head for stuff to do with the house. I'm going to redo the Great Room. Right now, it has a pool table in it. I don't want to get rid of that because people tend to gravitate to it and it's a nice thing when entertaining. But I'm going to paint over the really dark wood on the ceiling and on the wood border around the room. That should lighten it up a bit. Some French doors will give it a bit of formality. I'm going to go with a wine and game theme and put in a wine refrigerator/rack and some kickin' art. I found this great contemporary artist.... Leanne Laine
I hope to get some of her pieces in that room.
Also need to redo the master bedroom. I want to paint it a neutral color like beige and then add accents in bright red. I already got a new bed set from Overstock and I'm scowering the internet for some interesting red art or accent pieces.
Decorating a house is fun. I like looking for bargains and new ideas. I'm so glad I decided not to sell the house. I think Amy would have kicked my ass if I decided to sell the place. That's my home damnit! It's not as if DB and I had a lifetime of memories in it together. I was there for two weeks with him and for most of those two weeks he was moody, ignored me, or snapped at everything I said. Happy times! It really is a kick ass house. I'll put up pictures after spring break.
I'm also going to redo the master bathroom. It has (and no, I'm not making this up) a pink heart shaped spa tub it in. Oh, but it gets better... the air that comes into the tub to bubble it is vented from the outside. So, I had a blast sitting in that in December. That thing needs to go. I don't know how they'll get it out of the bathroom, much less out of the house. I want to replace it with an awesomely huge shower.
Honestly, why shouldn't I be happy right now? I have an awesome house to go home to. I have a blindingly bright future. I have some of the coolest friends anyone could ask for.
To quote Roberto Benigni: "Life is Beautiful".
Thursday, February 23, 2006
February 23, 2006 11:40am
So, despite the douche bag saying that he would leave it up to me if he stayed at the places where we are likely to be together (squad, race track) apparently he has decided to go back on that too.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised since he has become so adept at bullshit. Actually, it's not that he's any good at it he just can't help himself.
He always lied to me the way a little kid lies about brushing their teeth or cleaning their room. Not until recently did he start telling lies about important things. I was always able to see through it because it isn't hard to see through the lies of an idiot, but I guess I was just willing to overlook it.
Wow, now I see who really was settling for who.
So, a hard lesson for me to learn is that someone is either completely open and honest all the time or they never are. Accepting anything less than complete honesty at all times is just, well, stupid.
He was just a bad person and I'm usually a much better judge of character than that. I can usually pick people right out...asshole...loser.....arrogant. But this was tougher. Maybe because we were together for so long. The longer you know someone the easier it is to overlook the things about them that you don't like.
Oh well, it looks like there's no avoiding bumping into him now. He might find it awkward, though, because I'm starting to see what people who we work with and socialize with really think of him. I used to defend him a lot, but I don't have to any more. In some cases, people accepted him because of me- so with that being over now, his work environment may be a bit uncomfortable knowing what people are saying behind his back.
But, maybe he likes being the sucker. He was never very good at commanding respect, which is why the cop thing is kinda weird for him. Not that he seems to be going anywhere with it anyway.
Lord in heaven what was I thinking?
Security maybe?
He was safe. Our relationship was safe. It was easy.
I need someone to challenge me.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised since he has become so adept at bullshit. Actually, it's not that he's any good at it he just can't help himself.
He always lied to me the way a little kid lies about brushing their teeth or cleaning their room. Not until recently did he start telling lies about important things. I was always able to see through it because it isn't hard to see through the lies of an idiot, but I guess I was just willing to overlook it.
Wow, now I see who really was settling for who.
So, a hard lesson for me to learn is that someone is either completely open and honest all the time or they never are. Accepting anything less than complete honesty at all times is just, well, stupid.
He was just a bad person and I'm usually a much better judge of character than that. I can usually pick people right out...asshole...loser.....arrogant. But this was tougher. Maybe because we were together for so long. The longer you know someone the easier it is to overlook the things about them that you don't like.
Oh well, it looks like there's no avoiding bumping into him now. He might find it awkward, though, because I'm starting to see what people who we work with and socialize with really think of him. I used to defend him a lot, but I don't have to any more. In some cases, people accepted him because of me- so with that being over now, his work environment may be a bit uncomfortable knowing what people are saying behind his back.
But, maybe he likes being the sucker. He was never very good at commanding respect, which is why the cop thing is kinda weird for him. Not that he seems to be going anywhere with it anyway.
Lord in heaven what was I thinking?
Security maybe?
He was safe. Our relationship was safe. It was easy.
I need someone to challenge me.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
February 19, 2006 11:46pm
Why is it that when I mention the possibility of dating again, people always jump in with "Don't rush anything. You have plenty of time. Let yourself heal."?
Is there a set mourning period I'm supposed to wait? Remember, I'm not the one who left the relationship.
God forbid I see some hottie on TV and say "wow, look at his ass". My mom jumps in with, "There's no rush, sweetie, you'll find someone."
Right. I know there's no rush. But aren't I the best judge of when I'm "ready"?
And what exactly is it that I have to be ready for? To get married? Step right up, gentlemen, here you have a desperate woman looking for a husband.
Yeah, that'll get 'em running.
Ready for, um, well, ya know?
Hell, who isn't. But we can't all be sluts or there wouldn't be anyone to make fun of.
Or ready to look? To go out with people? To see what's out there? To enjoy the company of people who want to want to be around me and think I'm a super diva? And if those people happen to be single men then what's the problem?
To everyone who seems to be worried about me jumping into the arms of whoever comes along: Fear Not! I have a long and careful selection process that involves several security clearance levels and a trip to Victoria's Secret to weed out those who are quick to buy the strappy corset teddy and not also get a comfy pajama set to off set it.
More importantly, I'm not a cruel person and I wouldn't want to drag a complete stranger (or worse yet, someone I really care about) though my emotional upheaval, or use them just to fill lonely nights.
That being said, thanks for caring. :-)
Is there a set mourning period I'm supposed to wait? Remember, I'm not the one who left the relationship.
God forbid I see some hottie on TV and say "wow, look at his ass". My mom jumps in with, "There's no rush, sweetie, you'll find someone."
Right. I know there's no rush. But aren't I the best judge of when I'm "ready"?
And what exactly is it that I have to be ready for? To get married? Step right up, gentlemen, here you have a desperate woman looking for a husband.
Yeah, that'll get 'em running.
Ready for, um, well, ya know?
Hell, who isn't. But we can't all be sluts or there wouldn't be anyone to make fun of.
Or ready to look? To go out with people? To see what's out there? To enjoy the company of people who want to want to be around me and think I'm a super diva? And if those people happen to be single men then what's the problem?
To everyone who seems to be worried about me jumping into the arms of whoever comes along: Fear Not! I have a long and careful selection process that involves several security clearance levels and a trip to Victoria's Secret to weed out those who are quick to buy the strappy corset teddy and not also get a comfy pajama set to off set it.
More importantly, I'm not a cruel person and I wouldn't want to drag a complete stranger (or worse yet, someone I really care about) though my emotional upheaval, or use them just to fill lonely nights.
That being said, thanks for caring. :-)
Friday, February 17, 2006
February 17, 2006 9:25pm
Are some men actually sincere when they talk to women? I'm not asking that rhetorically. I actually want to know if some truly are sincere and it's just the jerks who spoil it for everyone.
Let's say, hypothetically, that someone says some really flattering and wonderful things to me. Let's also say that I have a friend who indicates that men will just say anything to get a woman into bed. This hypothetical friend is also a man, so one would think that he would know. But, he isn't one to be insincere and if he said something to a woman, I'm quite confident he would mean it completely. He has even expressed his disgust at men in general for their treatment of women.
This is all hypothetical, of course.
Now, let's go back to the hypothetical person who is hypothetically making me melt. Do I believe him? In all the time I've known him he has never been a dishonest person or one to just say things to a woman without meaning it.
Cutting out the hypotheticals.....
Something really amazing is happening right now. I'm over the moon happy and I can't even describe why.
Maybe because I'm starting to see what it may be like to be in an adult relationship. It means being able to discuss things and not have to explain the big words, be able to enjoy the company of someone and not feel responsible for them, and never have to worry about how they will behave in public.
On the other hand, what if I turn out to be the one who is behind? If my life is in a different place than theirs and I feel like I need to catch up.
No need to worry about all that right now. Nothing is happening at the moment.
I'm just feeling very content with my life right now.
Let's say, hypothetically, that someone says some really flattering and wonderful things to me. Let's also say that I have a friend who indicates that men will just say anything to get a woman into bed. This hypothetical friend is also a man, so one would think that he would know. But, he isn't one to be insincere and if he said something to a woman, I'm quite confident he would mean it completely. He has even expressed his disgust at men in general for their treatment of women.
This is all hypothetical, of course.
Now, let's go back to the hypothetical person who is hypothetically making me melt. Do I believe him? In all the time I've known him he has never been a dishonest person or one to just say things to a woman without meaning it.
Cutting out the hypotheticals.....
Something really amazing is happening right now. I'm over the moon happy and I can't even describe why.
Maybe because I'm starting to see what it may be like to be in an adult relationship. It means being able to discuss things and not have to explain the big words, be able to enjoy the company of someone and not feel responsible for them, and never have to worry about how they will behave in public.
On the other hand, what if I turn out to be the one who is behind? If my life is in a different place than theirs and I feel like I need to catch up.
No need to worry about all that right now. Nothing is happening at the moment.
I'm just feeling very content with my life right now.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
February 15, 2006 8:14pm
Do you think there's such a thing as fate or destiny? That there really is a reason for everything. The whole "ripple effect"- someone sleeps through their alarm and has to rush to work. They get in a car accident on the way there because they are brushing their hair while driving and are taken to the emergency room where they meet a fabulous doctor, get married, and have a child who cures cancer. If they didn't oversleep that morning then none of it would have happened.
I don't know. I thought we create our own destiny. I want to be a doctor so I got myself into medical school. If I want a new shoes then I find the ones I want and buy them. I don't wait for them to fall out of the sky on my doorstep.
Lately, though, when I think back on many of the seemingly inconsequential things I have said or done I notice that they have had a huge impact on my life later on.
In a way, that scares me. I feel like I have to worry about every little thing I do because later it might come back to haunt me. It may come back to be something wonderful, though.
There are two pictures from Monongahela National Forest. There's something very peaceful about living here.
I don't know. I thought we create our own destiny. I want to be a doctor so I got myself into medical school. If I want a new shoes then I find the ones I want and buy them. I don't wait for them to fall out of the sky on my doorstep.
Lately, though, when I think back on many of the seemingly inconsequential things I have said or done I notice that they have had a huge impact on my life later on.
In a way, that scares me. I feel like I have to worry about every little thing I do because later it might come back to haunt me. It may come back to be something wonderful, though.
There are two pictures from Monongahela National Forest. There's something very peaceful about living here.
Monday, February 13, 2006
February 13, 2006 10:28pm
Had a great weekend with the snow and mom here.
I'm feeling really good lately. I want to get back to eating better now that exams are over and I have more time. I'm just feeling really happy...like myself again.
Also enjoying the company of my friends and keeping in touch better than I have in the past. It feels good to connect with people again.
Have some plans for the house this summer. My mom is helping me replace some of the ::ahem:: missing items in the house- starting with the couch so it can be more comfortable when I get back there over break.
Oooooh, I can't wait to get some good pizza back at home!
I'm feeling really good lately. I want to get back to eating better now that exams are over and I have more time. I'm just feeling really happy...like myself again.
Also enjoying the company of my friends and keeping in touch better than I have in the past. It feels good to connect with people again.
Have some plans for the house this summer. My mom is helping me replace some of the ::ahem:: missing items in the house- starting with the couch so it can be more comfortable when I get back there over break.
Oooooh, I can't wait to get some good pizza back at home!
Thursday, February 09, 2006
February 9, 2006 5:10pm
I'm almost afraid to say this.
I feel free.
Somewhere in me, beneath those moments of blinding rage, numbness, and confusion, there is an incredible feeling of freedom.
I hate myself for feeling that way.
I don't mean freedom to go wild, I just feel like for the first time in years I don't have to worry about someone else.
I like caring about someone, thinking about them, wondering what they're doing, worrying when apropriate. But I didn't like having to worry the way a parent worries if their child will get through school, get a job, become self-sufficient.
If I was a parent, I think it would be less annoying to feel that way and more a labor of love. But when you feel that way about the person you are sharing your life with, it's stressful. Very stressful.
So blocks are almost over. I managed to pass physiology. Biochem today wasn't too traumatic. Tomorrow is nutrition.
My mom is coming to visit this weekend. I'm so happy to see her.
Though, I am rather proud of myself for surviving this on my own. Of course, I had lots of support from my friends and family, but I stayed right where I am and didn't run home. I didn't leave school. I worked through the problem and came out the other end even stronger for it.
Hmmm, better than some people I know.
Yeah, I'm awesome.
I feel free.
Somewhere in me, beneath those moments of blinding rage, numbness, and confusion, there is an incredible feeling of freedom.
I hate myself for feeling that way.
I don't mean freedom to go wild, I just feel like for the first time in years I don't have to worry about someone else.
I like caring about someone, thinking about them, wondering what they're doing, worrying when apropriate. But I didn't like having to worry the way a parent worries if their child will get through school, get a job, become self-sufficient.
If I was a parent, I think it would be less annoying to feel that way and more a labor of love. But when you feel that way about the person you are sharing your life with, it's stressful. Very stressful.
So blocks are almost over. I managed to pass physiology. Biochem today wasn't too traumatic. Tomorrow is nutrition.
My mom is coming to visit this weekend. I'm so happy to see her.
Though, I am rather proud of myself for surviving this on my own. Of course, I had lots of support from my friends and family, but I stayed right where I am and didn't run home. I didn't leave school. I worked through the problem and came out the other end even stronger for it.
Hmmm, better than some people I know
Yeah, I'm awesome.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
February 8, 2006 3:57pm
Is blinding rage a healthy emotion?
Wow, this just hit me out of nowhere. I have never felt anger like this before. I've never wanted to just ruin a person so badly as I do now.
Funny thing is that I probably have the means to do it, too. But, truthfully, how can you ruin a person who has nothing and is going nowhere anyway?
All of the other fierce emotions passed, so I imagine this one will pass as well.
I'm also angry at myself. I'm angry that when he was here I didn't go nose to nose with him about every absurd thing he said. I hate myself for caving the way I did because, really, I didn't mean any of it. What am I sorry for? Why was I apologizing? What did I do? Got him the house he wanted. Encouraged him to finish college. Wanted him to find a better job. All things he should have wanted to do on his own....without my prodding.
Wow, this just hit me out of nowhere. I have never felt anger like this before. I've never wanted to just ruin a person so badly as I do now.
Funny thing is that I probably have the means to do it, too. But, truthfully, how can you ruin a person who has nothing and is going nowhere anyway?
All of the other fierce emotions passed, so I imagine this one will pass as well.
I'm also angry at myself. I'm angry that when he was here I didn't go nose to nose with him about every absurd thing he said. I hate myself for caving the way I did because, really, I didn't mean any of it. What am I sorry for? Why was I apologizing? What did I do? Got him the house he wanted. Encouraged him to finish college. Wanted him to find a better job. All things he should have wanted to do on his own....without my prodding.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
February 7, 2006 5:21pm
Why am I the one who has to clean up the messes if he is the one who bails?
Not just bails, but vanishes like a fart in the wind. Never to be seen or heard from again.
Still, not one bit of it makes sense.
Exams are this week. I don't think I did too well on physio, but the rest should be okay.
I want to go home so badly. I have a friend there who wants to go out while I'm home. I don't know what to make of all that. Is it to "go out" as in "on a date" or is it just "going out to entertain the poor, pathetic friend who is lonely now."
That brings up some logistical issues. When two people go out under those ambiguous circumstances, who pays? That's always been my biggest question with dating. I feel terrible when people pay for stuff for me. Eventually, it gets easier and even expected :-) but at first it just feels strange.
Another thing I'm wondering about is what will happen when I do meet the right person and we do decide to get married. There was a ton of fuss over Ryan and I getting engaged. Will anyone care the second time around? I had already picked my bridal party. Are they going to get all tearful and excited again? Or is it just going to be "Round 2 of Elizabeth's need for attention." blah!
Presumably, it won't take 7 years of a relationship to get to that stage again, so what if this happens in the next 4 or 5 years. Then what? Does it seem like a pattern?
Not only am I worried about what other people will think, I'm scared that it won't be special for me either. The second time you do something is never as exciting as the first.
These aren't things that keep me up at night, but just cross my mind from time to time.
Not just bails, but vanishes like a fart in the wind. Never to be seen or heard from again.
Still, not one bit of it makes sense.
Exams are this week. I don't think I did too well on physio, but the rest should be okay.
I want to go home so badly. I have a friend there who wants to go out while I'm home. I don't know what to make of all that. Is it to "go out" as in "on a date" or is it just "going out to entertain the poor, pathetic friend who is lonely now."
That brings up some logistical issues. When two people go out under those ambiguous circumstances, who pays? That's always been my biggest question with dating. I feel terrible when people pay for stuff for me. Eventually, it gets easier and even expected :-) but at first it just feels strange.
Another thing I'm wondering about is what will happen when I do meet the right person and we do decide to get married. There was a ton of fuss over Ryan and I getting engaged. Will anyone care the second time around? I had already picked my bridal party. Are they going to get all tearful and excited again? Or is it just going to be "Round 2 of Elizabeth's need for attention." blah!
Presumably, it won't take 7 years of a relationship to get to that stage again, so what if this happens in the next 4 or 5 years. Then what? Does it seem like a pattern?
Not only am I worried about what other people will think, I'm scared that it won't be special for me either. The second time you do something is never as exciting as the first.
These aren't things that keep me up at night, but just cross my mind from time to time.
Saturday, February 04, 2006
February 4, 2006 12:43pm
Block week is approaching.
I really, really want to pass physiology.
I want to do well this block so that I can prove to myself that I can't be derailed by someone.
Those random moments of anger I have are starting to happen less often.
There's still hurt, but it's better.
Overall, I feel better.
I don't have that awful feeling of "Oh my God! I'm never going to find anyone else!" Right now, I just don't care either way. I mean, I do care, but it isn't the first thing on my mind when I wake up.
Still a little worried about walking into the house when I go back. I'm scared to see what else is gone besides the couch. What things we accumulated over our relationship that he decided to claim as his and take with him.
I goess I shouldn't care too much. It will just make it easier for me to make the place completely mine. I decided if I find anything in there that he left behind I'll email (since he isn't calling me) and give him a few days to come get it before I toss it.
The locks are getting changed soon. Should have done that the day he told me he moved out.
What I'm finding interesting from my family and friends is that they aren't totally shocked that this relationship ended. What they are surprised by is that he's the one who left. They thought that eventually I would get tired of having a partner and child all wrapped into one. I was always frustrated by it, but was willing to overlook it because he was a good person deep down.
Now I see how many lies he told. Now I see what kind of person he is.
Or, maybe not. The man who came in here and said the things he said....thinking back he was acting cold and cruel wven when i was home for Christmas....that wasn't the man who I fell in love with.
I keep wondering if he's had some sort of breakdown. Given his family history of depression and his own difficulties dealing with new or stressful sitations, I wonder if all of this...a marriage, a house...me being so far away...was more than he was able to emotionally handle.
A 26 year old man shouldn't have to be prodded to work on finding a new job so he can afford to live in his "dream house" that he wanted oh so much. It can't be good for one's dignity to have your future mother in law paying so many of your bills and living expenses...not to mention college tuition. At some point, doesn't one have to say "It's time for me to step up and take some responsibility?"
I really, really want to pass physiology.
I want to do well this block so that I can prove to myself that I can't be derailed by someone.
Those random moments of anger I have are starting to happen less often.
There's still hurt, but it's better.
Overall, I feel better.
I don't have that awful feeling of "Oh my God! I'm never going to find anyone else!" Right now, I just don't care either way. I mean, I do care, but it isn't the first thing on my mind when I wake up.
Still a little worried about walking into the house when I go back. I'm scared to see what else is gone besides the couch. What things we accumulated over our relationship that he decided to claim as his and take with him.
I goess I shouldn't care too much. It will just make it easier for me to make the place completely mine. I decided if I find anything in there that he left behind I'll email (since he isn't calling me) and give him a few days to come get it before I toss it.
The locks are getting changed soon. Should have done that the day he told me he moved out.
What I'm finding interesting from my family and friends is that they aren't totally shocked that this relationship ended. What they are surprised by is that he's the one who left. They thought that eventually I would get tired of having a partner and child all wrapped into one. I was always frustrated by it, but was willing to overlook it because he was a good person deep down.
Now I see how many lies he told. Now I see what kind of person he is.
Or, maybe not. The man who came in here and said the things he said....thinking back he was acting cold and cruel wven when i was home for Christmas....that wasn't the man who I fell in love with.
I keep wondering if he's had some sort of breakdown. Given his family history of depression and his own difficulties dealing with new or stressful sitations, I wonder if all of this...a marriage, a house...me being so far away...was more than he was able to emotionally handle.
A 26 year old man shouldn't have to be prodded to work on finding a new job so he can afford to live in his "dream house" that he wanted oh so much. It can't be good for one's dignity to have your future mother in law paying so many of your bills and living expenses...not to mention college tuition. At some point, doesn't one have to say "It's time for me to step up and take some responsibility?"
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
February 1, 2006 9:55pm
Just when I think my life is figured out, something comes crumbling down.
I thought I had the whole marriage and family thing settled. The career was well on its way. Now, I feel like I'm only half done.
Although I feel mostly okay, I still have these random moments of angrer where I scream at him as if he's here and I can tell him something really hurtful.
But, I can't bring myself to hate him.
I don't understand how someone can just drop off the earth after sharing a bed for years and years.
As confusing as it is, it's still perfectly clear now where he is emotionally and his level of understanding of how to be in a relationship.
Most of the calls and emails from my friends have trailed off. I guess people assume I'm okay now...except for one. So confused about that. But that's a story for another time.
It's going to be weird going home. Especially if we bump into each other somewhere. I tried to make that less awkward by trying to make contact with him, but he isn't responding so I guess we're going for awkward.
I thought I had the whole marriage and family thing settled. The career was well on its way. Now, I feel like I'm only half done.
Although I feel mostly okay, I still have these random moments of angrer where I scream at him as if he's here and I can tell him something really hurtful.
But, I can't bring myself to hate him.
I don't understand how someone can just drop off the earth after sharing a bed for years and years.
As confusing as it is, it's still perfectly clear now where he is emotionally and his level of understanding of how to be in a relationship.
Most of the calls and emails from my friends have trailed off. I guess people assume I'm okay now...except for one. So confused about that. But that's a story for another time.
It's going to be weird going home. Especially if we bump into each other somewhere. I tried to make that less awkward by trying to make contact with him, but he isn't responding so I guess we're going for awkward.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
January 31, 2006 6:42pm
In general, feel like crap. Probably because I haven't been eating very well and exams are coming up.
Still have a meltdown from time to time.
Mostly, I'm thinking about the future.
I have some great plans for what I want to do with the house this summer. And some offers for assistance from friends!
Plans are good. The future is good. I feel like I have an amazing one ahead of me.
I"m starting to accept that I'll never get the answers I'm looking for. None of it will ever make any sense to me because I am at a very different place in my life than he was. I was ready for a marriage, a family, and a home and he wasn't.
And I'm still ready for all of those things, just with someone who is more at my level and shares the same values I do.
I know not everyone lies like he did. I know not everyone will do things behind my back like he did. I know not all men are emotionally like a child, as he is.
I keep wondering how he is doing. This was a much larger upheaval of his life than mine, really. My daily life down at school hasn't changed much and when I go back to Jersey I will still be living in the same house I had planned to live in with him.
But he had to move out of our house and (apparently by choice) into his parents' house. That has to be difficult. Or maybe not. Maybe that's where he feels safest. Either way, he has moved out of a town that he was quite established in. Even his phone number is different. Little things that we take for granted staying the same from day to day.
Been listeing to lots of music. I discovered James Blunt the other day. Well, I didn't discover him in the literal sense, but I found him on iTunes.
"Goodbye My Lover"
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
Still have a meltdown from time to time.
Mostly, I'm thinking about the future.
I have some great plans for what I want to do with the house this summer. And some offers for assistance from friends!
Plans are good. The future is good. I feel like I have an amazing one ahead of me.
I"m starting to accept that I'll never get the answers I'm looking for. None of it will ever make any sense to me because I am at a very different place in my life than he was. I was ready for a marriage, a family, and a home and he wasn't.
And I'm still ready for all of those things, just with someone who is more at my level and shares the same values I do.
I know not everyone lies like he did. I know not everyone will do things behind my back like he did. I know not all men are emotionally like a child, as he is.
I keep wondering how he is doing. This was a much larger upheaval of his life than mine, really. My daily life down at school hasn't changed much and when I go back to Jersey I will still be living in the same house I had planned to live in with him.
But he had to move out of our house and (apparently by choice) into his parents' house. That has to be difficult. Or maybe not. Maybe that's where he feels safest. Either way, he has moved out of a town that he was quite established in. Even his phone number is different. Little things that we take for granted staying the same from day to day.
Been listeing to lots of music. I discovered James Blunt the other day. Well, I didn't discover him in the literal sense, but I found him on iTunes.
"Goodbye My Lover"
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
January 29, 2006 2:05pm
I went out last night and had an okay time.
Went to "The Fort" for a few drinks with some friends from school. It was a pretty slow night there and not a lot of students. They all seem to hang out at the martini bar, but that place is too rich for my blood.
Quiet again. Too quiet.
I hate that I still feel sick every day.
I hate unresolved issues, but I don't expect that he will contact me to settle out some things. It's easier to just run away rather than face something. I guess that's how we ended up here. He ran away rather than try to work on this. Why would I want to be with someone like that? Maybe because I thought that was as good as it gets.
It just can't be, though.
Shit. I'm falling apart again. I need to start to accept that I will never get answers to the questions I have.
I hate, hate, hate this. I'm angry one minute and so painfully hurt the next. Then angry again. Then confused.
How is it that nobody in this process said to him "Hey, um, this is kind of a dick head way to handle this." I guess the joke was really on me. I hope everyone really enjoyed their laugh at my expense. That tells me a lot about the character of the people he associates with....his friends, his family.
How do you break down in tears saying you love someone so much that you're terrified they will leave you and then two weeks later end the relationship because you "just don't feel anything"? How do you listen to a bunch of wedding ideas one evening and say "yeah, that sounds good" and then less than 24 hours later break the engagement? What kind of a human being does that to someone they cared about for so long? How can someone be so cruel?
Went to "The Fort" for a few drinks with some friends from school. It was a pretty slow night there and not a lot of students. They all seem to hang out at the martini bar, but that place is too rich for my blood.
Quiet again. Too quiet.
I hate that I still feel sick every day.
I hate unresolved issues, but I don't expect that he will contact me to settle out some things. It's easier to just run away rather than face something. I guess that's how we ended up here. He ran away rather than try to work on this. Why would I want to be with someone like that? Maybe because I thought that was as good as it gets.
It just can't be, though.
Shit. I'm falling apart again. I need to start to accept that I will never get answers to the questions I have.
I hate, hate, hate this. I'm angry one minute and so painfully hurt the next. Then angry again. Then confused.
How is it that nobody in this process said to him "Hey, um, this is kind of a dick head way to handle this." I guess the joke was really on me. I hope everyone really enjoyed their laugh at my expense. That tells me a lot about the character of the people he associates with....his friends, his family.
How do you break down in tears saying you love someone so much that you're terrified they will leave you and then two weeks later end the relationship because you "just don't feel anything"? How do you listen to a bunch of wedding ideas one evening and say "yeah, that sounds good" and then less than 24 hours later break the engagement? What kind of a human being does that to someone they cared about for so long? How can someone be so cruel?
Saturday, January 28, 2006
January 28, 2006 7:29pm
The nights are always the hardest.
It's quiet here.
I have always liked quiet. I think because I knew I could break it whenever I wanted.
I was never much of a "going out" kind of person. Now I feel like I have to just to survive down here without going out of my mind.
It will be better when I'm home and can work on my house and have the people I love in it.
Except for one.
No matter what, a part of me is always going to love him. Eventually, the hurt will fade and I will feel like me again.
We had almost 8 years of amazing memories that haunt me now. One day I will be able to think about them fondly. And I will have new memories.
Some things he said to me make me wonder what he's feeling. It was all so disjointed and confused. I wonder if he has come to some sort of reality in his life that nobody can understand but him. I know his mother has had problems with depression and he has had difficulty in the past dealing with some situations. Diazepam doesn't cure everything. If he is hurting, I know that nobody will recognize it and it will continue. That scares me.
I have exams coming up in another week. Time is flying by. The rest of this year will fly by and I will soon be done with my first year of medical school. The next three will probably go just as fast, if not faster.
I'm looking forward to the rest of my life.
It's quiet here.
I have always liked quiet. I think because I knew I could break it whenever I wanted.
I was never much of a "going out" kind of person. Now I feel like I have to just to survive down here without going out of my mind.
It will be better when I'm home and can work on my house and have the people I love in it.
Except for one.
No matter what, a part of me is always going to love him. Eventually, the hurt will fade and I will feel like me again.
We had almost 8 years of amazing memories that haunt me now. One day I will be able to think about them fondly. And I will have new memories.
Some things he said to me make me wonder what he's feeling. It was all so disjointed and confused. I wonder if he has come to some sort of reality in his life that nobody can understand but him. I know his mother has had problems with depression and he has had difficulty in the past dealing with some situations. Diazepam doesn't cure everything. If he is hurting, I know that nobody will recognize it and it will continue. That scares me.
I have exams coming up in another week. Time is flying by. The rest of this year will fly by and I will soon be done with my first year of medical school. The next three will probably go just as fast, if not faster.
I'm looking forward to the rest of my life.
January 28, 2006 2:54pm
Had a weird night.
Felt awful for most of it because I was going to be completely alone. So I started drinking beer around 8. A friend called me about 9:30 and we talked until after 1am.
I don't want to do this. I don't want to run to a rebound man and put someone else through my hurt. Especially not him. I would be jeopardizing a friendship and not really helping myself along at all.
It could be very ugly.
I got a text message from him this morning. I think we both are wondering what should be said next.
I was pretty tipsy toward the end of the coversation and I'm not entirely sure what I said. Well, I have a general idea. I was sober enough to not let it get out of control and say what I was really thinking. I was about two beers away from that, though.
Went for a nice, long drive this afternoon. I took a few pictures. Maybe I'll post them if I get around to getting them off the camera.
Back to studying.
Felt awful for most of it because I was going to be completely alone. So I started drinking beer around 8. A friend called me about 9:30 and we talked until after 1am.
I don't want to do this. I don't want to run to a rebound man and put someone else through my hurt. Especially not him. I would be jeopardizing a friendship and not really helping myself along at all.
It could be very ugly.
I got a text message from him this morning. I think we both are wondering what should be said next.
I was pretty tipsy toward the end of the coversation and I'm not entirely sure what I said. Well, I have a general idea. I was sober enough to not let it get out of control and say what I was really thinking. I was about two beers away from that, though.
Went for a nice, long drive this afternoon. I took a few pictures. Maybe I'll post them if I get around to getting them off the camera.
Back to studying.
Friday, January 27, 2006
January 27, 2006 6:44pm
Christ Almighty do I miss him! Despite the hurt and the frustration I miss him almost every second of the day.
This weekend is going to be difficult. I have school work to do, but I'm not actually forced to get out of bed every morning and make it to class. Not that I'm forced any other day, but sleeping in isn't an option since I don't really sleep now anyway.
I really don't know what to do with my time now. It's quiet here. Well, it was always quiet here, but there was always the hope of a phone call or a visit in a few weeks. Now that's gone.
Tomorrow I will wash my truck...oooh, it's first bath! Then the rest of the day will be spent on school work. Might go out tomorrow night if there's something happening locally. A plan. A plan is good. A plan will keep me busy.
I wish I could be surrounded by friends right now. A whole room full of them.
Funny, because I was always most content when it was just me at home alone. I was happy being alone as long as I knew he was still there...though 500 miles away. Now I just need constant stimulation to keep my mind busy.
This weekend is going to be difficult. I have school work to do, but I'm not actually forced to get out of bed every morning and make it to class. Not that I'm forced any other day, but sleeping in isn't an option since I don't really sleep now anyway.
I really don't know what to do with my time now. It's quiet here. Well, it was always quiet here, but there was always the hope of a phone call or a visit in a few weeks. Now that's gone.
Tomorrow I will wash my truck...oooh, it's first bath! Then the rest of the day will be spent on school work. Might go out tomorrow night if there's something happening locally. A plan. A plan is good. A plan will keep me busy.
I wish I could be surrounded by friends right now. A whole room full of them.
Funny, because I was always most content when it was just me at home alone. I was happy being alone as long as I knew he was still there...though 500 miles away. Now I just need constant stimulation to keep my mind busy.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
January 26, 2006 10:03pm
So incredibly tired of hurting.
Tired of trying to rationalize why this happened.
How do you throw away 8 years of a relationship without bothering to work on it?
Why did he lie to me?
Why did he take the couch? Kind of laughable, but seriously, why?
Why does someone bail as soon as life gets serious?
Why are some people content not striving for more?
Why do crappy things always have to happen to me?
I just want to catch a break once.
Tired of trying to rationalize why this happened.
How do you throw away 8 years of a relationship without bothering to work on it?
Why did he lie to me?
Why did he take the couch? Kind of laughable, but seriously, why?
Why does someone bail as soon as life gets serious?
Why are some people content not striving for more?
Why do crappy things always have to happen to me?
I just want to catch a break once.
January 26, 2006 1:03pm
It seems my blog was invaded by some pests. I have my suspicions about who it is, but that doesn''t really matter anyway. I'm disappointed in them, but not surprised.
The purpose of me writing this blog is to vent what I'm feeling at any given moment. Unless someone has been in a similar situation, the emotional roller coaster just can't be explained. I wouldn't expect others to understand why I say the things I say. Sometimes I don't mean it 20 minutes later. Sometimes I still mean it a day later.
Bottom line is that he was right. We are too different. I thought I was okay with him not having the same goals I had (or not really having any) and I probably would be okay with that for a while. But that doesn't mean I would still be happy 10 years from now with a husband who I feel like I'm dragging through life.
Yeah, I nagged him. But, a 26 year old man (in this case, boy) shouldn't have to be nagged about finishing college and moving on with his career. That's like a 14 year old kid who won't do his homework. Acceptable at 14, but not at 26.
We were teenagers when we met and I grew up. In the process, it seems, we grew apart. That became more apparent when I came to medical school.
My friend, Amy, sent me something. It's a bracelet I gave her because she was having a rough time. It's a silver bangle bracelet with a charm on it that says "strength". I gave it to her to remind her that she has it and she sent to me for the same reason. It's like our own version of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
Went out to lunch today with some friends. Had a really great time. That kept my mind occupied for a while.
Tomorrow is looking brighter.
The purpose of me writing this blog is to vent what I'm feeling at any given moment. Unless someone has been in a similar situation, the emotional roller coaster just can't be explained. I wouldn't expect others to understand why I say the things I say. Sometimes I don't mean it 20 minutes later. Sometimes I still mean it a day later.
Bottom line is that he was right. We are too different. I thought I was okay with him not having the same goals I had (or not really having any) and I probably would be okay with that for a while. But that doesn't mean I would still be happy 10 years from now with a husband who I feel like I'm dragging through life.
Yeah, I nagged him. But, a 26 year old man (in this case, boy) shouldn't have to be nagged about finishing college and moving on with his career. That's like a 14 year old kid who won't do his homework. Acceptable at 14, but not at 26.
We were teenagers when we met and I grew up. In the process, it seems, we grew apart. That became more apparent when I came to medical school.
My friend, Amy, sent me something. It's a bracelet I gave her because she was having a rough time. It's a silver bangle bracelet with a charm on it that says "strength". I gave it to her to remind her that she has it and she sent to me for the same reason. It's like our own version of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
Went out to lunch today with some friends. Had a really great time. That kept my mind occupied for a while.
Tomorrow is looking brighter.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
January 25, 2006
I feel incredibly blessed to have the group of friends that I have.
The last few days have been a never-ending stream of phone calls and emails.
It helps remind me that I'm going to be okay, that I'm not someone who should be settled for...as he said when he was here... I am in no way a consolation prize. I'm well educated, funny, have a sunny future, and have a house. Yeah, the bar is real low for me. :-)
One day I will find someone who is my equal.
But good grief, did everyone in the world know I was marrying beneath me? Next time, tell me!
Today has been the best day I've had all week, in terms of how I feel. I was able to eat normally again and I feel pretty motivated to do school work.
There's some stuff that I need to work out with him. Some things that one of us pays for the other and some stuff I have of his. I called his parents' house and left a message, since that's where he told me to reach him. I also sent an email since I don't expect him to be man enough to have an adult conversation with me, so it might be easier for him to communicate by email.
The weirdest thing for me is thinking about going back to dating. I've never dated as an adult. For that matter, I've apparently never dated an adult either. We were together since I was 17, so this is going to be an interesting endeavor. One that I am kind of looking forward to, though.
The last few days have been a never-ending stream of phone calls and emails.
It helps remind me that I'm going to be okay, that I'm not someone who should be settled for...as he said when he was here... I am in no way a consolation prize. I'm well educated, funny, have a sunny future, and have a house. Yeah, the bar is real low for me. :-)
One day I will find someone who is my equal.
But good grief, did everyone in the world know I was marrying beneath me? Next time, tell me!
Today has been the best day I've had all week, in terms of how I feel. I was able to eat normally again and I feel pretty motivated to do school work.
There's some stuff that I need to work out with him. Some things that one of us pays for the other and some stuff I have of his. I called his parents' house and left a message, since that's where he told me to reach him. I also sent an email since I don't expect him to be man enough to have an adult conversation with me, so it might be easier for him to communicate by email.
The weirdest thing for me is thinking about going back to dating. I've never dated as an adult. For that matter, I've apparently never dated an adult either. We were together since I was 17, so this is going to be an interesting endeavor. One that I am kind of looking forward to, though.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
January 24, 2006 3:29pm
I hate this. Just when I think I'm okay, I fall apart again.
And I'm pissed off.
What a man! Doesn't tell me that he's doing this. Moves out (presumably with the help of some of his scum bag friends). And the whole while he's talking to me like nothing's wrong. Drives down here in his parents fucking car. Who knows who came down with him. 500 miles is a lot of time to think and he was like a programmed robot with what he had to say.
Everyone I've talked to thinks he must be the world's biggest ass. Just for the way he decided to end an 8 year relationship, if for nothing else. Because a couple months have been bad he bails. Nice. Real mature.
He always was pretty immature so I guess I shouldn't be so surprised. Now he's home with mommy and daddy again and he can feel secure that he doesn't have any actual responsibilities. They won't expect much from him and he'll be happy settling for being an underachiever who goes nowhere with his life.
Thinking back on all the lies he told me...just recently and probably for years....and how he said even on Saturday that "I've never lied to you." makes me ill. How do people like this sleep at night knowing what they do?
I don't know how to be okay.
And I'm pissed off.
What a man! Doesn't tell me that he's doing this. Moves out (presumably with the help of some of his scum bag friends). And the whole while he's talking to me like nothing's wrong. Drives down here in his parents fucking car. Who knows who came down with him. 500 miles is a lot of time to think and he was like a programmed robot with what he had to say.
Everyone I've talked to thinks he must be the world's biggest ass. Just for the way he decided to end an 8 year relationship, if for nothing else. Because a couple months have been bad he bails. Nice. Real mature.
He always was pretty immature so I guess I shouldn't be so surprised. Now he's home with mommy and daddy again and he can feel secure that he doesn't have any actual responsibilities. They won't expect much from him and he'll be happy settling for being an underachiever who goes nowhere with his life.
Thinking back on all the lies he told me...just recently and probably for years....and how he said even on Saturday that "I've never lied to you." makes me ill. How do people like this sleep at night knowing what they do?
I don't know how to be okay.
Monday, January 23, 2006
January 23, 2006 4:43pm
So much for that whole marriage thing.
Funny how your world can fall apart in an instant.
He came down on Saturday for the sole purpose of ending our relationship.
So bizarre. After 8 years of a good thing it's now over.
I can't bring myself to express the details again. He blamed me, but then he changed his tune and said we were just too different for this to work. Then he said he would be settling for me if he stayed. He had already moved out of the house. Nice. Just a few days ago he is giving me information for our engagement announcement and the whole time he's moving out.
Heartbreaking isn't even the word.
I just want this to stop hurting so I can start to move on.
My theory: he has always been emotionally immature and the responsibility of a marriage and a house was not something that made him happy. His first move was right back to mommy and daddy.
There's also the psycho chick variable. A friend of his who is getting a divorce who started calling him a lot. She told him she was in love with him. All of a sudden he decided he's settling for me.
Settling. C'mon. Anyone who knows both of us could see who would be settling for who.
He told me he stopped talking to her after she flipped out on the phone with him one night. But I just checked our cell phone bills and I see he was still talking to her.
Like I said. Heartbreaking isn't even the word.
I can't even breathe.
When he was here, it was like he wasn't himself. He was some horrible, mean person. But there was just no emotion there. No sadness, but no anger either. Just a blank stare.
He talked to my mom the next day and she said he was the exact same way. Just blank.
He also assumed we would be selling the house. Um, no! That's my home. Just because he is throwing away our life together doesn't mean that my plans change.
My life as I have known it for about 8 years is now over.
And tomorrow is a new day.
Funny how your world can fall apart in an instant.
He came down on Saturday for the sole purpose of ending our relationship.
So bizarre. After 8 years of a good thing it's now over.
I can't bring myself to express the details again. He blamed me, but then he changed his tune and said we were just too different for this to work. Then he said he would be settling for me if he stayed. He had already moved out of the house. Nice. Just a few days ago he is giving me information for our engagement announcement and the whole time he's moving out.
Heartbreaking isn't even the word.
I just want this to stop hurting so I can start to move on.
My theory: he has always been emotionally immature and the responsibility of a marriage and a house was not something that made him happy. His first move was right back to mommy and daddy.
There's also the psycho chick variable. A friend of his who is getting a divorce who started calling him a lot. She told him she was in love with him. All of a sudden he decided he's settling for me.
Settling. C'mon. Anyone who knows both of us could see who would be settling for who.
He told me he stopped talking to her after she flipped out on the phone with him one night. But I just checked our cell phone bills and I see he was still talking to her.
Like I said. Heartbreaking isn't even the word.
I can't even breathe.
When he was here, it was like he wasn't himself. He was some horrible, mean person. But there was just no emotion there. No sadness, but no anger either. Just a blank stare.
He talked to my mom the next day and she said he was the exact same way. Just blank.
He also assumed we would be selling the house. Um, no! That's my home. Just because he is throwing away our life together doesn't mean that my plans change.
My life as I have known it for about 8 years is now over.
And tomorrow is a new day.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
January 19, 2006 10:53pm
I'm getting married.
Not right now, but in a year and a half I will be getting married.
There's a great deal of irony in that since I never considered myself to be the marrying type. I hated the entire idea of marriage. Only boring people get married. Or maybe people get boring after they get married.
So it's ironic that I should be getting married in a very traditional way to a very traditional man.
Still keeping my name, though.
I think marriage was invented by people for foresaw the coming of the wedding industry. Nostradamus must have said something about all of this.
What's annoying me today? Lack of privacy. I don't mean in the "someone may be tapping my phone" sense. I mean that if my neighbor has a party on, oh, say a Wednesday night that goes until, oh, say 3am, I can hear it because we share a wall.
Apartments were the worst invention ever. Everyone should be separated by at least 1 acre of land.
I have absolutely no idea how big an acre is. I'm from New Jersey. Size and distance are measured by how long it takes you to get there. "How far is New York City?" About an hour. "How far is Philly?" About an hour. "How far is Atlantic City?" About an hour.
Miles are irrelevant. Montclair is 10 miles up the Parkway from Union, but it will take you "about an hour" to go that distance at 5pm on a weekday.
I have gone way off topic tonight.
I like talking to people who understand my humor. I think humor and intelligence are related. Most people don't get my humor, which is probably why I think most people are really dumb.
Yup, that's a true confession.
I
Not right now, but in a year and a half I will be getting married.
There's a great deal of irony in that since I never considered myself to be the marrying type. I hated the entire idea of marriage. Only boring people get married. Or maybe people get boring after they get married.
So it's ironic that I should be getting married in a very traditional way to a very traditional man.
Still keeping my name, though.
I think marriage was invented by people for foresaw the coming of the wedding industry. Nostradamus must have said something about all of this.
What's annoying me today? Lack of privacy. I don't mean in the "someone may be tapping my phone" sense. I mean that if my neighbor has a party on, oh, say a Wednesday night that goes until, oh, say 3am, I can hear it because we share a wall.
Apartments were the worst invention ever. Everyone should be separated by at least 1 acre of land.
I have absolutely no idea how big an acre is. I'm from New Jersey. Size and distance are measured by how long it takes you to get there. "How far is New York City?" About an hour. "How far is Philly?" About an hour. "How far is Atlantic City?" About an hour.
Miles are irrelevant. Montclair is 10 miles up the Parkway from Union, but it will take you "about an hour" to go that distance at 5pm on a weekday.
I have gone way off topic tonight.
I like talking to people who understand my humor. I think humor and intelligence are related. Most people don't get my humor, which is probably why I think most people are really dumb.
Yup, that's a true confession.
I
Sunday, January 15, 2006
January 15, 2006 8:26pm
It's flippin' cold here in Lewisburg. It wouldn't bother me so much if I had heat. I think I already mentioned my heat issue before. Well, it continues to be an issue. I can't feel my toes, but just the two middle ones.
I've been evaluating the fundamental differences between the way men and women think. I know there's a plethora of books already on this topic, but I'm not into all the Mars/Venus stuff. I want to know why we can't find a common ground.
I have been told repeatedly by my friend, Mike, that men just want to make women happy. What keeps them from making women happy is not understanding what women want. He says that men are simple-minded and see the world in a very literal way. Women are better at taking the logical leaps and, therefore, expect things that a man just can't put together on his own. Men, he tells me, require very little to be happy. Just being faithful, paying attention to them, and making sure they are well fed is enough.
Fine. So I always try to be as specific as I possibly can be. Everything from making lists of what I want for holidays and spelling out exactly how much emotional attention I want to "Yes! Yes! Right THERE!" ::ahem::
Depite my best efforts, though, there still seems to be a disconnect. I never get exactly what I want, leaving me feeling empty. This puts me in a bad mood. As a result, I become an intolerable bitch. The cycle continues.
The result? Nobody is happy. Nobody really gets what they want.
So why can't men and women find common ground? Are we destined to be unhappy but accept that as a fact of life?
I need a bottle of wine and some new stilettos. These are the things that make me happy.
That and a dozen roses now and then.
I've been evaluating the fundamental differences between the way men and women think. I know there's a plethora of books already on this topic, but I'm not into all the Mars/Venus stuff. I want to know why we can't find a common ground.
I have been told repeatedly by my friend, Mike, that men just want to make women happy. What keeps them from making women happy is not understanding what women want. He says that men are simple-minded and see the world in a very literal way. Women are better at taking the logical leaps and, therefore, expect things that a man just can't put together on his own. Men, he tells me, require very little to be happy. Just being faithful, paying attention to them, and making sure they are well fed is enough.
Fine. So I always try to be as specific as I possibly can be. Everything from making lists of what I want for holidays and spelling out exactly how much emotional attention I want to "Yes! Yes! Right THERE!" ::ahem::
Depite my best efforts, though, there still seems to be a disconnect. I never get exactly what I want, leaving me feeling empty. This puts me in a bad mood. As a result, I become an intolerable bitch. The cycle continues.
The result? Nobody is happy. Nobody really gets what they want.
So why can't men and women find common ground? Are we destined to be unhappy but accept that as a fact of life?
I need a bottle of wine and some new stilettos. These are the things that make me happy.
That and a dozen roses now and then.
Monday, January 09, 2006
January 9, 2006 9:05pm
I will forever be a Jersey Girl at heart. Yup yup.
Home was great. I got to see most of my friends. My house is amazing. Ryan did a great job with painting and directing the various construction projects.
Below is a picture of my friends from the New Year's Eve Eve party at my house. I was still recovering from the Death Virus, which is why I look more pale and pasty than usual.
From Left: Brooke, Amy, Me. Eileen is on the bottom. She isn't really that short. She's squatting, I swear.
Oh yes, I got the Death Virus over Christmas. Everyone at school had it during the weeks prior to block week. I got it two days after blocks were over.
Yeah, I was fun to be around.
And I got a new truck (pictures to come soon). I love, love, love it!
Now I"m back at school. Every time I go back to schoo after a break I always have these grand plans to be organized, on top of everything, and keep from accumulating crap at the bottom of my bookbag. One long nap and a West Wing Monday Night Marathon is all it takes to screw up that plan.
Who am I kidding, it doesn't take more than two back to back episodes of Will and Grace on Lifetime to throw off my schedule and send me right into lazyland.
Disney should make a Lazyland. There would be satellite televisions and recliners everywhere. My own personal waiter (a hot one) would bring me Diet Coke with just the right amount of crushed ice (so that it's almost like a diet coke margarita) and a lemon wedge already de-seeded. I would have new sneakers every 6 hours since that's about as long as it takes new sneakers to get broken in and lose that new sneaker comfortable feeling.
But back to my academic woes. Now I have a pile of work to do and lots of TV to watch.
Never fear procrastinators! A long weekend approaches! Three cheers for Martin Luther King.
Home was great. I got to see most of my friends. My house is amazing. Ryan did a great job with painting and directing the various construction projects.
Below is a picture of my friends from the New Year's Eve Eve party at my house. I was still recovering from the Death Virus, which is why I look more pale and pasty than usual.
From Left: Brooke, Amy, Me. Eileen is on the bottom. She isn't really that short. She's squatting, I swear. Oh yes, I got the Death Virus over Christmas. Everyone at school had it during the weeks prior to block week. I got it two days after blocks were over.
Yeah, I was fun to be around.
And I got a new truck (pictures to come soon). I love, love, love it!
Now I"m back at school. Every time I go back to schoo after a break I always have these grand plans to be organized, on top of everything, and keep from accumulating crap at the bottom of my bookbag. One long nap and a West Wing Monday Night Marathon is all it takes to screw up that plan.
Who am I kidding, it doesn't take more than two back to back episodes of Will and Grace on Lifetime to throw off my schedule and send me right into lazyland.
Disney should make a Lazyland. There would be satellite televisions and recliners everywhere. My own personal waiter (a hot one) would bring me Diet Coke with just the right amount of crushed ice (so that it's almost like a diet coke margarita) and a lemon wedge already de-seeded. I would have new sneakers every 6 hours since that's about as long as it takes new sneakers to get broken in and lose that new sneaker comfortable feeling.
But back to my academic woes. Now I have a pile of work to do and lots of TV to watch.
Never fear procrastinators! A long weekend approaches! Three cheers for Martin Luther King.
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