February 7, 2006 5:21pm

Why am I the one who has to clean up the messes if he is the one who bails?

Not just bails, but vanishes like a fart in the wind. Never to be seen or heard from again.

Still, not one bit of it makes sense.

Exams are this week. I don't think I did too well on physio, but the rest should be okay.

I want to go home so badly. I have a friend there who wants to go out while I'm home. I don't know what to make of all that. Is it to "go out" as in "on a date" or is it just "going out to entertain the poor, pathetic friend who is lonely now."

That brings up some logistical issues. When two people go out under those ambiguous circumstances, who pays? That's always been my biggest question with dating. I feel terrible when people pay for stuff for me. Eventually, it gets easier and even expected :-) but at first it just feels strange.

Another thing I'm wondering about is what will happen when I do meet the right person and we do decide to get married. There was a ton of fuss over Ryan and I getting engaged. Will anyone care the second time around? I had already picked my bridal party. Are they going to get all tearful and excited again? Or is it just going to be "Round 2 of Elizabeth's need for attention." blah!

Presumably, it won't take 7 years of a relationship to get to that stage again, so what if this happens in the next 4 or 5 years. Then what? Does it seem like a pattern?

Not only am I worried about what other people will think, I'm scared that it won't be special for me either. The second time you do something is never as exciting as the first.

These aren't things that keep me up at night, but just cross my mind from time to time.