March 4, 2006 12:01pm

I'm wondering if DB has ever read this blog. He didn't know it existed. Well, actually, he did know that I opened up my web site again, but he didn't express any interest in looking at it. The only way he would know about this is if someone else told him and he decided to see what I'm saying about him.

I don't mind because I haven't said anything here that I wouldn't say to him directly if he would speak to me. Actually, I'd probably be less inclined to be angry or to draw my own conclusions about things if he would give me honest answers. I've said a lot of things here about him and about our relationship, but every one of them has been true. Since not many people know about this blog, he can't say I'm trying to ruin his reputation. I think he's done a good job of that himself.

Better to be silent and be thought a fool........


So, on to happier thoughts.

Last entry, I wrote about my imaginary friend from when I was a kid.

Do you ever play the "what if" game? Going over possible scenarios in your head and playing them out the way you want them to happen? It can be as simple as a conversation you're going to have with someone or as detailed as a date with Colin Firth.

I think that's how I end up being disappointed, though. I think things will go a certain way and they rarely happen that way.

On the flip side of that, I'm afraid that now I won't want to ever think about anything good because I'm afraid of getting hurt again. It's a fine line between hope and expectation.

But is it always a bad thing to have expectations? Shouldn't there be some basic expectations in a relationship? Honesty? Loyalty? Continuity- that if everything is ok one day it will still be ok the next day? That things stay roughly the same, or if they do change that you're in it together and you're not getting whacked between the eyes. Or if there is a change or a problem then it is addressed early- before it escalates and spins out of control.

Bah! Sidetracked again! Happy things!

I bought a really great sweater the other day. There's something really wonderful about putting something on that makes you look and feel fabulous. It makes the whole day just a little bit better. Especially if you know you got it for 75% off from Overstock.com!

Blocks are coming. I have exams this week.

I was watching some tv show on E!. Not sure what it's called, but it has Lisa Loeb in it. And she's still got those weird glasses. Anyway, it's apparently a reality show about her trying to find love. So she goes on all these dates and keeps ending up with weird guys. Last I knew, she was with Dweezil Zappa forever, but I guess they broke up. Never, ever date a guy with a funny name. It indicates there's some weird family issues. So, in the episode that I saw, she has this guy friend who she hangs out with all the time. She's always complaining about how bad her dates are, etc etc. And then they're at this party where she's flirting with different men and the friend is getting jealous. He starts being really playful with her and trying to feed her cheese and he kisses her. The episode ended with a voiceover of her saying something about finding love that's always been right in front of you, waiting for the right moment.

The previews for next episode show them at a sperm bank, so I don't really get where that's going.

Anyway, so is that really possible? That the perfect person is right in front of you and you'd never know it. Is it better to be friends first? Or does that put unnecessary pressure on the relationship because if it doesn't work out, you lose a friend too? Does it make the relationship move faster because you already know so much about each other? Is it like starting a book at Chapter 5?

These are all questions I'm wrestling with at the moment, so any input is appreciated.

My current thoughts are that it is better to be friends first. In fact, that might even put less pressure on the relationship because it wouldn't have changed to the "more than friends" stage if there wasn't already an attraction. That's different from going out with someone who you just met and know nothing about. In that case, the attraction may be just physical or based on the little bit that you do know about each other. Then you go out and realize that he listens to Kenny G and the attraction is all gone.

I think it probably does make the relationship move faster- meaning physically and emotionally- because you're already comfortable with each other. But it's still new, because you're getting to know each other in a different way.