February 4, 2006 12:43pm

Block week is approaching.

I really, really want to pass physiology.

I want to do well this block so that I can prove to myself that I can't be derailed by someone.

Those random moments of anger I have are starting to happen less often.

There's still hurt, but it's better.

Overall, I feel better.

I don't have that awful feeling of "Oh my God! I'm never going to find anyone else!" Right now, I just don't care either way. I mean, I do care, but it isn't the first thing on my mind when I wake up.

Still a little worried about walking into the house when I go back. I'm scared to see what else is gone besides the couch. What things we accumulated over our relationship that he decided to claim as his and take with him.

I goess I shouldn't care too much. It will just make it easier for me to make the place completely mine. I decided if I find anything in there that he left behind I'll email (since he isn't calling me) and give him a few days to come get it before I toss it.

The locks are getting changed soon. Should have done that the day he told me he moved out.

What I'm finding interesting from my family and friends is that they aren't totally shocked that this relationship ended. What they are surprised by is that he's the one who left. They thought that eventually I would get tired of having a partner and child all wrapped into one. I was always frustrated by it, but was willing to overlook it because he was a good person deep down.

Now I see how many lies he told. Now I see what kind of person he is.

Or, maybe not. The man who came in here and said the things he said....thinking back he was acting cold and cruel wven when i was home for Christmas....that wasn't the man who I fell in love with.

I keep wondering if he's had some sort of breakdown. Given his family history of depression and his own difficulties dealing with new or stressful sitations, I wonder if all of this...a marriage, a house...me being so far away...was more than he was able to emotionally handle.

A 26 year old man shouldn't have to be prodded to work on finding a new job so he can afford to live in his "dream house" that he wanted oh so much. It can't be good for one's dignity to have your future mother in law paying so many of your bills and living expenses...not to mention college tuition. At some point, doesn't one have to say "It's time for me to step up and take some responsibility?"