March 2, 2006 6:21pm

Dinner....dinner...dinner.... why is it always such a pain to figure out dinner? No other meal of the day gives people so much grief as dinner.

What if switched our eating habits and ate dinner food for breakfast? Would this be easier? We would have a big meal first thing in the morning when we're awake and alert and looking forward to the day. Then, at 6:00 when life is just shitty we could grab a bowl of cereal and a powerbar.


I have a friend who is sick. He's really sick, actually, and I'm worried about him but can't do anything about it from here. I couldn't do anything about it even if I was back home anyway. He's been through a lot and it makes me realize how lucky I really am to have the life that I have. The last month and a half have been crappy, no doubt, but for the most part, life is good for me. I don't have a lot of worries- nor should I.

I'd hate to spend a lifetime worrying about things I have no control over only to end up with some major problem one day that actually is worth worrying about. By then I will have used up all of my worrying ability and crossed right into full blown panic. What's worse is that I would have wasted plenty of good time worrying about other stuff and then when life really gets miserable, I'll feel even worse. Then I'll never have anything good to look back on because I've just been a basket case as far as I can think back.

So, no worries. At least not now.

It's hard to not worry, though, because I've always had a plan. Changes are okay and I adjust my plan accordingly. But there's always been a plan in place. And everything in my life was integrated into this plan. School, house, DB, career, pets, kids, flower garden, you name it. All part of my plan. Yeah, I'm a micromanager. It's really difficult for me to give up those reigns and just let my life play out.

My plan is a little different now. I still have a general idea, I guess. Finish medical school then do an internship and residency and fellowship. Buy out my house from my mother. Get a dog. The whole marriage and family aspect of it is up in the air now. I don't have a strategic plan for that anymore. It's sort of a nice feeling to know that anything could happen. But it's also scary because- anything could happen.

I like to daydream and my plans always gave me something to daydream about. One of my favorites was thinking about DB and I in our home. Sitting by the fireplace or out on the deck when it is cool out with one of those outdoor metal fire pits. A dog and a kid or two..or three. Boring life, I guess, but perfect and comfortable.

I still want that, but I'm afraid to think about it. Mostly because I don't have the husband to put in that picture. I could always insert Colin Firth. But that accent would lead me to a totally different kind of daydream! More importantly, it's not going to happen and I tend to get my hopes wrapped up in my daydreams. Putting someone in that dream is just setting myself up for disappointment and heartbreak again.

I used to have this teddy bear. A panda bear. My nanny bought him for me. I can't remember where we were, but I saw it and wanted it. I'm pretty sure I still have it somewhere back at the house. Anyway, the bear never had a name until I got a crush on a boy at school in 1st grade. Then he became Michael the panda bear. I would take him all over the house and we would watch movies and read books and sit outside and play. And on some level it made me feel like the actual kid was there hanging out with me. Now I still do that in a more socially acceptable way with my daydreams.

I also had an imaginary friend when I was little. Her name was Kate. She was everything I wasn't and she could do everything I was too afraid to do. She was petite - I was always the tallest and fattest in the class. She could ride a two wheeler before I could. She could rollerskate better than I could. She could climb higher in the trees than I could. But she always taught me how to do those things and encouraged me. She never had to do homework, though.

If I get more time, I'll write more memories from my childhood. I feel like I'm on a roll and I'm enjoying this.