January 29, 2006 2:05pm

I went out last night and had an okay time.

Went to "The Fort" for a few drinks with some friends from school. It was a pretty slow night there and not a lot of students. They all seem to hang out at the martini bar, but that place is too rich for my blood.

Quiet again. Too quiet.

I hate that I still feel sick every day.

I hate unresolved issues, but I don't expect that he will contact me to settle out some things. It's easier to just run away rather than face something. I guess that's how we ended up here. He ran away rather than try to work on this. Why would I want to be with someone like that? Maybe because I thought that was as good as it gets.

It just can't be, though.

Shit. I'm falling apart again. I need to start to accept that I will never get answers to the questions I have.

I hate, hate, hate this. I'm angry one minute and so painfully hurt the next. Then angry again. Then confused.

How is it that nobody in this process said to him "Hey, um, this is kind of a dick head way to handle this." I guess the joke was really on me. I hope everyone really enjoyed their laugh at my expense. That tells me a lot about the character of the people he associates with....his friends, his family.

How do you break down in tears saying you love someone so much that you're terrified they will leave you and then two weeks later end the relationship because you "just don't feel anything"? How do you listen to a bunch of wedding ideas one evening and say "yeah, that sounds good" and then less than 24 hours later break the engagement? What kind of a human being does that to someone they cared about for so long? How can someone be so cruel?