January 31, 2006 6:42pm

In general, feel like crap. Probably because I haven't been eating very well and exams are coming up.

Still have a meltdown from time to time.

Mostly, I'm thinking about the future.

I have some great plans for what I want to do with the house this summer. And some offers for assistance from friends!

Plans are good. The future is good. I feel like I have an amazing one ahead of me.

I"m starting to accept that I'll never get the answers I'm looking for. None of it will ever make any sense to me because I am at a very different place in my life than he was. I was ready for a marriage, a family, and a home and he wasn't.

And I'm still ready for all of those things, just with someone who is more at my level and shares the same values I do.

I know not everyone lies like he did. I know not everyone will do things behind my back like he did. I know not all men are emotionally like a child, as he is.

I keep wondering how he is doing. This was a much larger upheaval of his life than mine, really. My daily life down at school hasn't changed much and when I go back to Jersey I will still be living in the same house I had planned to live in with him.

But he had to move out of our house and (apparently by choice) into his parents' house. That has to be difficult. Or maybe not. Maybe that's where he feels safest. Either way, he has moved out of a town that he was quite established in. Even his phone number is different. Little things that we take for granted staying the same from day to day.

Been listeing to lots of music. I discovered James Blunt the other day. Well, I didn't discover him in the literal sense, but I found him on iTunes.

"Goodbye My Lover"

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.