April 3, 2006 9:28pm

Nothing in my life is ever straightforward. Despite all of my planning, pre-planning, and more planning.... there's always a complication.

::sigh::

Of course, I'm being sarcastic. I know nothing ever just goes completely smoothly. At least nothing really important or worthwhile.

So here's the thing....

DB and I have been splitsville for over two months now. In the mean time, my mystery man has surfaced. But the thing is that he's always been there. We've been friends for so long that I don't remember what it was like when he wasn't in my life. Or maybe I just don't want to remember.

Even when we were "just friends", I would sometimes wonder what it would be like if we were more than that. If we lived in a parallel universe and I could see what my life would be like if I wasn't marrying DB and maybe mystery man and I had a chance. And I probably thought about that more than I should have, but looking back now (hindsight really is a bitch) I can see why I escaped to my daydreams so often.

Now, before I've even had a chance to think about it...here we are. Mystery Man and I are a very real possibility.

I know my description of our date was amusing, but I left out the mushy stuff.

I left out how when he touches my hand, my toes curl. When I hear his voice, I instantly settle down and loose that restless feeling I almost always have. Even before this week we spent together, and probably even more these last two months of us getting closer in a "more than friends" way, there was a level of intimacy that I could have with him that I've never had with anyone. I'm not talking about physical intimacy. I mean being able to talk to someone for hours and not run out of things to say. Knowing someone who understands you, what you say, can read your eyes.

Sounds perfect, right?

The key here is all in the timing. Not moving too fast, even though it feels soo incredibly right. Not jumping into something for the wrong reasons. Being absolutely sure that this would have happened regardless of what happened to me in the past few months. Because this is way too special to mess up, if for no other reason than there is an important friendship on the line.

But what do you do when it's just so easy to jump right into the deep end? Why is so easy to do that? Is it because I'm just looking for someone to distract me from my hurt? Or is it easy because we've known each other for so long and thought about this for so many years that it just feels natural?

Being 500 miles away doesn't make this any easier. You'd think that it would. But it really doesn't. All it does it make me wonder what's going to happen next. And the anticipation makes it all worse...or maybe better, depending on how you look at it.

Back to studying...


Steady As We Go
-Dave Matthews Band

I'll walk halfway around the world
Just to sit down by your side
And I would do most anything, girl
To be the apple of your eye
Well troubles, they may come and go
But good times, they're the gold
And if the road gets rocky, girl
Just steady as we go

Any place you wanna go
Know I'll be next to you
If it's treasure, baby, you're looking for
I'll search the whole world through
I know troubles, they may come and go
But good times, they're the gold
So if the road gets rocky, girl
Just steady as we go

When the storm comes down you shelter me
When I don't say a word and you know exactly what i mean
In the darkest times, oh, you shine on me
You set me free and keep me steady as we go

So if your heart wrings dry, my love
I will fill your cup
And if your load gets heavy, girl
I will lift you up
Well troubles, they may come and go
But good times be the gold
So if the road gets rocky, girl
Just steady as we go