Finally a weekend off!
Got caught up on sleep last night. It was won-der-ful!
I can't concentrate unless I feel organized. If my apartment is a mess, I can't get anything done. Which usually means I have to either clean the place up (and waste precious study time) or go somewhere else to work.
So when I have a free weekend, I spend it organizing myself.
Bathroom cleaned? Check!
Food shopping with all healthy, organic food? Check!
Sheets cleaned? Check!
Laundry done? Check!
Bills Paid? Check!
And all of that lasts about two days. That's how long it takes me to start leaving dirty clothes wherever I take them off and say "Screw cooking. I'm thinkin' Arby's!"
It's very much like when I was in grade school. I'd start off the year with a brand new Trapper Keeper. So much hope. So many folders. Each subject could have its own folder.
Within a week, the bottom of my bookbag has a wrinkled spelling test and a dented juice box that comes dangerously close to exploding every time I throw another book into the bag.
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
April 26, 2006 10:52pm
...still studying.
Just taking a break.
I forgot to mention something I did a few days ago.
I sent an email to DB asking for some stuff back that he took. I also asked him where some things are packed away (from the move out of our apartment) that I was looking for. Both practical reasons for making contact.
And then I did something else.
I added an "oh, by the way...".
Yeah. I told him about me and mystery man. I had two reasons for doing this.
The first (and the one that had been bugging me the most) is that despite DB being, well, a Douche Bag, I still have a modicum of respect for him. He's just too pathetic to completely hate. I can't bring myself to think he is a bad person. He just doesn't know any better. Being an adult. Being in an adult relationship. He couldn't mentally handle any of that.
We planned a life together and I can't just ignore that. Mystery Man, DB, and I have been friends for several years. If Mystery Man was someone DB didn't know then I wouldn't feel obligated to say anything, but in this case I wanted him to find out from me before he found out from someone else.
The second reason is that I get just a pinch of juvenile enjoyment out of being able to tell him that I am seeing a person who 1) was his friend and (more importantly 2) is someone he looked up to and admired, but was never quite able to reach.
I have no problem admitting that I can be evil sometimes. And I know all about Karma being a bitch. But there's no reason I can't enjoy this feeling while I can.
Just taking a break.
I forgot to mention something I did a few days ago.
I sent an email to DB asking for some stuff back that he took. I also asked him where some things are packed away (from the move out of our apartment) that I was looking for. Both practical reasons for making contact.
And then I did something else.
I added an "oh, by the way...".
Yeah. I told him about me and mystery man. I had two reasons for doing this.
The first (and the one that had been bugging me the most) is that despite DB being, well, a Douche Bag, I still have a modicum of respect for him. He's just too pathetic to completely hate. I can't bring myself to think he is a bad person. He just doesn't know any better. Being an adult. Being in an adult relationship. He couldn't mentally handle any of that.
We planned a life together and I can't just ignore that. Mystery Man, DB, and I have been friends for several years. If Mystery Man was someone DB didn't know then I wouldn't feel obligated to say anything, but in this case I wanted him to find out from me before he found out from someone else.
The second reason is that I get just a pinch of juvenile enjoyment out of being able to tell him that I am seeing a person who 1) was his friend and (more importantly 2) is someone he looked up to and admired, but was never quite able to reach.
I have no problem admitting that I can be evil sometimes. And I know all about Karma being a bitch. But there's no reason I can't enjoy this feeling while I can.
April 26, 2006 8:16pm
I have two exams this week. One tomorrow and one on Friday.
Strangely enough, I'm actually motivated for these. For the first time since I got to medical school I actually feel like I'm in medical school. Not that dissecting a cadaver left any confusion, but everything we've learned up until now hasn't been very interesting to me. Now we're into Immunology/Microbiology and Pharmacology. I'm really enjoying this.
So, this Site Meter thing is cool. I can pretty much pick out who is who, but there's still a couple mysteries. Especially the people who link in through my web site....how are you people finding that? I wish there was some way to IM people who are on your blog and say "who are you? Welcome!" Maybe it would be more polite to reverse that. Like right now, there's someone on from Perth Amboy, NJ. I don't know anyone from there. Hmmmm.
I need to make myself some dinner, but I have no idea where to even start. I'm considering going out to get something, but that causes some problems for me....
See, I'm completely insecure when it comes to what other people are thinking of me. I'm especially paranoid about the people I go to school with. Therefore, I am incapable of ordering take-out without having a mild anxiety attack. My fear is that I'll see people I know from school out at the restaurant I'm going to. They'll see me getting food and think, "wow, she's pretty pathetic. She's all by herself." Or, they'll think, "Wow, is she going to eat all that by herself? That's enough for 4 people!"
As a result, I'm stuck here. Hungry. About to eat some Ramen Noodle Soup. And yes, I will eat all of it by myself.
Strangely enough, I'm actually motivated for these. For the first time since I got to medical school I actually feel like I'm in medical school. Not that dissecting a cadaver left any confusion, but everything we've learned up until now hasn't been very interesting to me. Now we're into Immunology/Microbiology and Pharmacology. I'm really enjoying this.
So, this Site Meter thing is cool. I can pretty much pick out who is who, but there's still a couple mysteries. Especially the people who link in through my web site....how are you people finding that? I wish there was some way to IM people who are on your blog and say "who are you? Welcome!" Maybe it would be more polite to reverse that. Like right now, there's someone on from Perth Amboy, NJ. I don't know anyone from there. Hmmmm.
I need to make myself some dinner, but I have no idea where to even start. I'm considering going out to get something, but that causes some problems for me....
See, I'm completely insecure when it comes to what other people are thinking of me. I'm especially paranoid about the people I go to school with. Therefore, I am incapable of ordering take-out without having a mild anxiety attack. My fear is that I'll see people I know from school out at the restaurant I'm going to. They'll see me getting food and think, "wow, she's pretty pathetic. She's all by herself." Or, they'll think, "Wow, is she going to eat all that by herself? That's enough for 4 people!"
As a result, I'm stuck here. Hungry. About to eat some Ramen Noodle Soup. And yes, I will eat all of it by myself.
Monday, April 24, 2006
Friday, April 21, 2006
April 21, 2006 7:23pm
I'm starting to realize that nothing in my life will ever go according to plan. It doesn't matter how big or small my plan is. Stuff just doesn't work for me.
Take tonight...
I wanted a pizza. So, off I go to the Greenbrier Valley Baking Company to get my awesome pizza.
So there's this kid behind the counter who I've never seen before. I hate the be judgmental, but sometimes you just know from someone's hair cut that dealing with them is going to be a challenge. His hair was...different. Layered in the back like a girl's and long and whispy in the front. His bangs were in his eyes. I wanted to fix that for him with one swift chop.
Can I get a large pizza please? Half spinach. Half mushroom.
"No problem. That will be about 10 minutes."
Perfect. That's just enough time to take a little walk through town. I head up Washington Street and look in the windows for a bit. Make it up the big ass hill and go around the block. I pass a woman sitting in a bright yellow Mini Cooper. She's eating something, or maybe she's just licking her fingers for no reason. Anyway, back down the hill. I check my watch. It's been exactly 16 minutes. I walk back into GVBC.
Whispy haired guy is still behind the counter, but the store has now filled up a bit.
"Can I help you?"
Now, my short term memory isn't that good either. But I think I'd remember someone 16 minutes later. There's still only 4 other people in the store.
Uh...yeah, my pizza?
"Oh, right. Let me check on that."
He goes into the back where there seems to be an argument between a guy wearing an oversized beret and a really cute young girl over where a pizza has gone. There seems to be a missing pie. Now, picture this... it's a open bakery...meaning you can see the ovens and where they do all the prep work. There's a wall of ovens. Five to be exact. They seem to be putting the pizzas into the middle two ovens. As they are arguing, smoke starts billowing out of the bottom oven.
Whispy hair is trying to break into their conversation and alert them of the growing smoke condition, but he's rather soft spoken and can't seem to get a word in. Beret man finally turns around and sees what's happening. The flaming pie is removed from the oven.
The burnt pie actually wasn't mine. It belonged to a family of 5 who were planning to eat there. 3 boys, mom, and dad. The boys were totally out of control. Mom and dad were in the middle of some kind of fight. Now their pizza is burnt. What struck me as odd, though, is that they had only ordered a small pizza. One small pizza to feed 5 people, including 2 adults. I've seen this before. Maybe my family is strange, but that amount of food would never hold us. Yet somehow, other families manage to have a loaves and fishes miracle occur every time they order food. Or they just go hungry. I don't know.
Whispy hair has now found out that my pizza will be "a few more minutes". I thought about going back out walking, but I really don't want to miss this show.
Now Beret guy is busy making another pizza. More orders are coming in. All hell is breaking loose because they have to do more than two things.
Someone comes in and wants two slices. Whispy hair takes the two slices and puts them in the oven. He then stands beside the oven and waits for them to get hot. Beret guy doesn't like this. Tells him to go back out to the counter. He does.
Tic Toc. Tic Toc. Now I'm 30 minutes post pizza order. More orders coming in. Whispy hair guy is getting nervous. I see Beret guy take out two badly burnt slices from the oven and put them on a cooling rack. Whispy hair remembers his slices and runs to the back. Awww, poor kid. So he comes back to get two new ones. But he's stopped making eye contact with me.
Puts his two unburnt slices in the oven and stands next to the oven. Beret guy is mad again. Whispy hair sees that I'm watching this whole thing and stands on the opposite side of the oven so I can't see him. But every few seconds he pokes his head around the corner and looks at me, then hides again. Wow.
We're approaching 45 minutes post pizza order. I'm considering ordering a Tirsmisu before my blood sugar drops any further. Whispy hair comes out with the slices, but still won't make eye contact with me.
I'm seeing pizzas come out of the oven. None of them look like mine.
1 hour post pizza order. I finally see my half spinach, half mushroom pie come out of the oven unburnt.
Beret guy boxes it and brings it out to me.
"Thanks for hanging out with us."
What? I was visiting?
I get in my truck and drive around the block. there's the lady in the yellow mini...still licking her fingers. In this experience, I like to think of her as the little girl in the red coat from Schindler's List.
See...nothing is ever simple for me.
Take tonight...
I wanted a pizza. So, off I go to the Greenbrier Valley Baking Company to get my awesome pizza.
So there's this kid behind the counter who I've never seen before. I hate the be judgmental, but sometimes you just know from someone's hair cut that dealing with them is going to be a challenge. His hair was...different. Layered in the back like a girl's and long and whispy in the front. His bangs were in his eyes. I wanted to fix that for him with one swift chop.
Can I get a large pizza please? Half spinach. Half mushroom.
"No problem. That will be about 10 minutes."
Perfect. That's just enough time to take a little walk through town. I head up Washington Street and look in the windows for a bit. Make it up the big ass hill and go around the block. I pass a woman sitting in a bright yellow Mini Cooper. She's eating something, or maybe she's just licking her fingers for no reason. Anyway, back down the hill. I check my watch. It's been exactly 16 minutes. I walk back into GVBC.
Whispy haired guy is still behind the counter, but the store has now filled up a bit.
"Can I help you?"
Now, my short term memory isn't that good either. But I think I'd remember someone 16 minutes later. There's still only 4 other people in the store.
Uh...yeah, my pizza?
"Oh, right. Let me check on that."
He goes into the back where there seems to be an argument between a guy wearing an oversized beret and a really cute young girl over where a pizza has gone. There seems to be a missing pie. Now, picture this... it's a open bakery...meaning you can see the ovens and where they do all the prep work. There's a wall of ovens. Five to be exact. They seem to be putting the pizzas into the middle two ovens. As they are arguing, smoke starts billowing out of the bottom oven.
Whispy hair is trying to break into their conversation and alert them of the growing smoke condition, but he's rather soft spoken and can't seem to get a word in. Beret man finally turns around and sees what's happening. The flaming pie is removed from the oven.
The burnt pie actually wasn't mine. It belonged to a family of 5 who were planning to eat there. 3 boys, mom, and dad. The boys were totally out of control. Mom and dad were in the middle of some kind of fight. Now their pizza is burnt. What struck me as odd, though, is that they had only ordered a small pizza. One small pizza to feed 5 people, including 2 adults. I've seen this before. Maybe my family is strange, but that amount of food would never hold us. Yet somehow, other families manage to have a loaves and fishes miracle occur every time they order food. Or they just go hungry. I don't know.
Whispy hair has now found out that my pizza will be "a few more minutes". I thought about going back out walking, but I really don't want to miss this show.
Now Beret guy is busy making another pizza. More orders are coming in. All hell is breaking loose because they have to do more than two things.
Someone comes in and wants two slices. Whispy hair takes the two slices and puts them in the oven. He then stands beside the oven and waits for them to get hot. Beret guy doesn't like this. Tells him to go back out to the counter. He does.
Tic Toc. Tic Toc. Now I'm 30 minutes post pizza order. More orders coming in. Whispy hair guy is getting nervous. I see Beret guy take out two badly burnt slices from the oven and put them on a cooling rack. Whispy hair remembers his slices and runs to the back. Awww, poor kid. So he comes back to get two new ones. But he's stopped making eye contact with me.
Puts his two unburnt slices in the oven and stands next to the oven. Beret guy is mad again. Whispy hair sees that I'm watching this whole thing and stands on the opposite side of the oven so I can't see him. But every few seconds he pokes his head around the corner and looks at me, then hides again. Wow.
We're approaching 45 minutes post pizza order. I'm considering ordering a Tirsmisu before my blood sugar drops any further. Whispy hair comes out with the slices, but still won't make eye contact with me.
I'm seeing pizzas come out of the oven. None of them look like mine.
1 hour post pizza order. I finally see my half spinach, half mushroom pie come out of the oven unburnt.
Beret guy boxes it and brings it out to me.
"Thanks for hanging out with us."
What? I was visiting?
I get in my truck and drive around the block. there's the lady in the yellow mini...still licking her fingers. In this experience, I like to think of her as the little girl in the red coat from Schindler's List.
See...nothing is ever simple for me.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
April 20, 2006 3:22pm
It's funny how sometimes you'll be reminded of someone at the oddest time.
I'll be just going about my day and something will make me think of my dad.
It's usually food.... something southern.... most likely fried.
Or something will remind me of DB. A commercial. A TV show we always watched together.
When we were together, I didn't think about him all the time. My mind was occupied with lots of different things.
But in a new relationship, all you think about is that other person. Everything reminds you of them because you don't know them well enough to know what would strike them.
I hate that. I wish I could just ignore people.
Do you think most people are honest and trustworthy? Or do you think most people aren't and it's rare to find someone who is?
I always thought it was the latter.
Ironically, the more I've been hurt the more I've decided that most people are actually good at heart.
Or maybe it just depends on how involved someone is in your life.
Most of the world has never wronged me. Probably because most of the world doesn't know me.
Hmmm...
I'll be just going about my day and something will make me think of my dad.
It's usually food.... something southern.... most likely fried.
Or something will remind me of DB. A commercial. A TV show we always watched together.
When we were together, I didn't think about him all the time. My mind was occupied with lots of different things.
But in a new relationship, all you think about is that other person. Everything reminds you of them because you don't know them well enough to know what would strike them.
I hate that. I wish I could just ignore people.
Do you think most people are honest and trustworthy? Or do you think most people aren't and it's rare to find someone who is?
I always thought it was the latter.
Ironically, the more I've been hurt the more I've decided that most people are actually good at heart.
Or maybe it just depends on how involved someone is in your life.
Most of the world has never wronged me. Probably because most of the world doesn't know me.
Hmmm...
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
April 19, 2006 1:18pm
Other things I will never do again.....
Believe that dripless candles are really dripless
Obsess over what size I am
Be unhappy with who I am, or think that I need to change who I am for someone else
Not enjoy a sunny day
Look for my mother's approval
Be crushed by her disapproval
Things I wish I could never do again....
Assume the worst
Give in to my anxiety
Need someone else in my life to be happy
Feel unwanted or disliked
Be so emotionally upset that I become physically ill
Take a test
Be tested......
Believe that dripless candles are really dripless
Obsess over what size I am
Be unhappy with who I am, or think that I need to change who I am for someone else
Not enjoy a sunny day
Look for my mother's approval
Be crushed by her disapproval
Things I wish I could never do again....
Assume the worst
Give in to my anxiety
Need someone else in my life to be happy
Feel unwanted or disliked
Be so emotionally upset that I become physically ill
Take a test
Be tested......
Monday, April 17, 2006
April 17, 2006 9:00pm
Made it back down to school safe and sound.
Finally made contact with Mystery Man. apparently I can only attribute part of his absence to a need for alone-ness. The rest goes to a lack of phone charger.
Do men just not care to stay in communication as regularly as women do? Or do women just need constant reassurance and men don't? No news is good news?
I bought Mystery Man a gift. Is it too soon for a gift? It isn't very elaborate. It's a book from my school. The Osteopathic Manipulative therapy "pocket manual". Mystery Man gives some kick ass body massages and is really interested in various body manipulation techniques (doesn't that sound deliciously dirty?). So I got him the book that we use at school.
Too forward? "Hey baby, use those hands on me! And here's the 4-1-1 on how to do it properly!"
Still don't think I should have gone home this weekend. Too much drama for me. Though, it was nice to see my family.
Here are some pictures from the last time I was home.....
Brooke is getting married in June. But since I won't be able to go to her wedding in Hawaii, we did a White Castle wedding reception!
This is what Brooke will look like after the ceremony (artist's rendition)
And the wedding meal?
Ah, a perfect reception at Chateau Blanc (that's White Castle for those of you who don't know French).
Finally made contact with Mystery Man. apparently I can only attribute part of his absence to a need for alone-ness. The rest goes to a lack of phone charger.
Do men just not care to stay in communication as regularly as women do? Or do women just need constant reassurance and men don't? No news is good news?
I bought Mystery Man a gift. Is it too soon for a gift? It isn't very elaborate. It's a book from my school. The Osteopathic Manipulative therapy "pocket manual". Mystery Man gives some kick ass body massages and is really interested in various body manipulation techniques (doesn't that sound deliciously dirty?). So I got him the book that we use at school.
Too forward? "Hey baby, use those hands on me! And here's the 4-1-1 on how to do it properly!"
Still don't think I should have gone home this weekend. Too much drama for me. Though, it was nice to see my family.
Here are some pictures from the last time I was home.....
Brooke is getting married in June. But since I won't be able to go to her wedding in Hawaii, we did a White Castle wedding reception!
This is what Brooke will look like after the ceremony (artist's rendition)
And the wedding meal?
Ah, a perfect reception at Chateau Blanc (that's White Castle for those of you who don't know French).
Saturday, April 15, 2006
April 15, 2006 5:39pm
I wish I didn't come home this weekend.
Anxiety is the worst feeling in the world.
Okay, here's what happened. Remember my mystery man? Well, he's still there. I went to lunch with a friend of mine yesterday and halfway through lunch she tells me that there's something I should know....
...she proceeds to tell me about this guy (we'll call him mean man) who she knows who is also mystery man's friend of 30+ years. Granted, they haven't spoken in almost a year but they were always close and periodically would go on these "friend breaks" where they don't speak for a while. Mystery man told me about this. I knew they were in a non-talking stage.
She makes a phone call and thrusts the phone into my hand. She called Mean Man. He proceeded to tell me that everything Mystery Man has ever told me is a lie. Um...okee. Like what?
Me: What does he lie about?
Mean Man: Well, tell me what he told you and I'll tell you if it's a lie.
Me: How about you tell me what you think I should know about him.
Mean Man: I don't know what he's told you. But he lies about everything.
Me: Like what?
Mean Man: I don't think he has a job right now. That business that he says is his is really mine. He doesn't work for me.
Okay, let's evaluate this. Mystery Man has 3 children from a previous marriage. Since our dates haven't been at the county jail, I'd venture to say that he's working.
So Mean Man went on to tell me all these other things that he says are lies.
At this point, I'm shaking. I feel sick and don't know what to do. I'm sitting in the middle of a restaurant and just want to fall apart right there.
But I don't.
Then he goes into....
Mean Man: So, how do you feel about all this?
Me: Um. Shocked, I guess.
Mean Man: Well, I'd rather that you didn't tell him I talked to you because that could create a lot of problems.
I should note here that Mean Man said this is a rather mean way, which is why I'm calling him 'Mean Man'.
I would prefer that you told him you go all of this through _____ (friend), but not from me directly.
Sounding sketchy? Also remember that I've known Mystery Man for about 4 years and have never met Mean Man.
Let's say I didn't already trust Mystery Man completely. I'm in a bit of a fragile state right now so trust is a hard thing for me. So let's evaluate the facts....
Mystery Man has always looked me in the eye when talking to me. Even to the point of repositioning me when I was in a very comfy spooning position with him on the couch when he wanted to tell me something important about himself that I didn't know.
Never gave lots of details about events (in other words, explains things like a normal guy, not one who is fabricating a story).
The things he has told me...some of them aren't so flattering to him. I know the good and the bad. If he were a pathological liar, it would be all good.
Then the drama really started. I called Mystery Man and told him what happened. He got really mad. Really really mad. To the point that I almost thought he was mad at me, but I asked and he assured me that his emotions were not directed at me.
The long and short of it is that Mean Man seems to hate Mystery Man for reasons not fully understood. Why I had to be dragged into it is also not fully understood.
So, Mystery Man was really upset last night and we ended up not going out. He wanted to be alone. This is something I can't understand and went into full on "Why are you shutting me out?" mode. Is this a guy thing? Do women reach out and men internalize? I don't get it.
It was just as well we didn't go out because I completely lost my appetite.
After, oh, a gazillion voicemails to Mystery Man I finally fell asleep. He called about 10am and then I talked to him again a few hours later. I won't get to see him this weekend since he's working for the rest of it and I go back to school Monday.
I'm pissed he wouldn't come over on the only night we were going to get to see each other. I'm pissed that this drama happened. I don't understand the wanting to be alone. I do understand how the loss of a lifetime friend is almost like a death and involves a grieving process. I am glad he didn't shut me out completely and at least called this morning.
But really. I do not need this right now! It will all calm down in a few days. I'm back at school for a month and a half anyway. We'll see what happens this summer.
This wouldn't be so complicated if I didn't know him for so long and already care about him so much. If he hadn't become my Mystery Man, this post would have been about my friend who is having a hard time right now and I don't know what to do for him. Since we started seeing each other, it just adds on another level of emotion.
Instead, it's about me feeling left out of the crisis in the life of the guy I'm seeing and why I'm so bummed about it.
Anxiety is the worst feeling in the world.
Okay, here's what happened. Remember my mystery man? Well, he's still there. I went to lunch with a friend of mine yesterday and halfway through lunch she tells me that there's something I should know....
...she proceeds to tell me about this guy (we'll call him mean man) who she knows who is also mystery man's friend of 30+ years. Granted, they haven't spoken in almost a year but they were always close and periodically would go on these "friend breaks" where they don't speak for a while. Mystery man told me about this. I knew they were in a non-talking stage.
She makes a phone call and thrusts the phone into my hand. She called Mean Man. He proceeded to tell me that everything Mystery Man has ever told me is a lie. Um...okee. Like what?
Me: What does he lie about?
Mean Man: Well, tell me what he told you and I'll tell you if it's a lie.
Me: How about you tell me what you think I should know about him.
Mean Man: I don't know what he's told you. But he lies about everything.
Me: Like what?
Mean Man: I don't think he has a job right now. That business that he says is his is really mine. He doesn't work for me.
Okay, let's evaluate this. Mystery Man has 3 children from a previous marriage. Since our dates haven't been at the county jail, I'd venture to say that he's working.
So Mean Man went on to tell me all these other things that he says are lies.
At this point, I'm shaking. I feel sick and don't know what to do. I'm sitting in the middle of a restaurant and just want to fall apart right there.
But I don't.
Then he goes into....
Mean Man: So, how do you feel about all this?
Me: Um. Shocked, I guess.
Mean Man: Well, I'd rather that you didn't tell him I talked to you because that could create a lot of problems.
I should note here that Mean Man said this is a rather mean way, which is why I'm calling him 'Mean Man'.
I would prefer that you told him you go all of this through _____ (friend), but not from me directly.
Sounding sketchy? Also remember that I've known Mystery Man for about 4 years and have never met Mean Man.
Let's say I didn't already trust Mystery Man completely. I'm in a bit of a fragile state right now so trust is a hard thing for me. So let's evaluate the facts....
Mystery Man has always looked me in the eye when talking to me. Even to the point of repositioning me when I was in a very comfy spooning position with him on the couch when he wanted to tell me something important about himself that I didn't know.
Never gave lots of details about events (in other words, explains things like a normal guy, not one who is fabricating a story).
The things he has told me...some of them aren't so flattering to him. I know the good and the bad. If he were a pathological liar, it would be all good.
Then the drama really started. I called Mystery Man and told him what happened. He got really mad. Really really mad. To the point that I almost thought he was mad at me, but I asked and he assured me that his emotions were not directed at me.
The long and short of it is that Mean Man seems to hate Mystery Man for reasons not fully understood. Why I had to be dragged into it is also not fully understood.
So, Mystery Man was really upset last night and we ended up not going out. He wanted to be alone. This is something I can't understand and went into full on "Why are you shutting me out?" mode. Is this a guy thing? Do women reach out and men internalize? I don't get it.
It was just as well we didn't go out because I completely lost my appetite.
After, oh, a gazillion voicemails to Mystery Man I finally fell asleep. He called about 10am and then I talked to him again a few hours later. I won't get to see him this weekend since he's working for the rest of it and I go back to school Monday.
I'm pissed he wouldn't come over on the only night we were going to get to see each other. I'm pissed that this drama happened. I don't understand the wanting to be alone. I do understand how the loss of a lifetime friend is almost like a death and involves a grieving process. I am glad he didn't shut me out completely and at least called this morning.
But really. I do not need this right now! It will all calm down in a few days. I'm back at school for a month and a half anyway. We'll see what happens this summer.
This wouldn't be so complicated if I didn't know him for so long and already care about him so much. If he hadn't become my Mystery Man, this post would have been about my friend who is having a hard time right now and I don't know what to do for him. Since we started seeing each other, it just adds on another level of emotion.
Instead, it's about me feeling left out of the crisis in the life of the guy I'm seeing and why I'm so bummed about it.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Remember that episode of Saved By The Bell...
...when Jesse became addicted to caffeine pills?
This was way before she started stripping in Vegas in hopes of becoming a famous dancer....
This was way before she started stripping in Vegas in hopes of becoming a famous dancer....
April 12, 2006 7:52pm
There is cause for much rejoycing in Lewisburg tonight!
Good pizza has been found!
After months and months of enduring crapastical pizza, I have found good pizza at the Greenbrier Valley Baking Company!
You don't understand how difficult this has been for me. It is as if a heroin addict moved to amish country.
Ah, but tonight I found a place that makes a perfect crust, a bangin' sauce, and has the perfectly salty gooey cheese mixture down!
That and a diet coke just made life worth living again.
Good pizza has been found!
After months and months of enduring crapastical pizza, I have found good pizza at the Greenbrier Valley Baking Company!
You don't understand how difficult this has been for me. It is as if a heroin addict moved to amish country.
Ah, but tonight I found a place that makes a perfect crust, a bangin' sauce, and has the perfectly salty gooey cheese mixture down!
That and a diet coke just made life worth living again.
April 12, 2006 2:23pm
Things I will never do again....
or Lessons I Learned the Hard Way
Wear jeans that sit on my waist
Eat Flinstones Vitamins
Drink until I puke
Take a history class
Take a biochemistry class
Leave my headlights on overnight
Mistake a Jalepeno for a green pepper
Ignore what seems to be a very minor health problem
Go rock climbing
Tolerate being ignored
Tolerate being disrespected
Sleep on dirty sheets
Ignore a dirty bathroom
Put Palmolive dish soap in the dishwasher
Think I can change someone
Try to change someone else
Listen to someone on the phone saying, "I can't see you tonight. Don't come over here. I can't see you tonight." while I sit listening on the other side of the door.
Wait more than 3 days before getting something dry cleaned
Buy scented tampons
Let someone hit me
Miss a Colin Firth movie
Eat anything soy
Wear make-up that isn't Clinique
Go back to my natural hair color
Have long hair
Buy expensive sunglasses
....... the list is always growing, but that's the best I can think of for now.
or Lessons I Learned the Hard Way
Wear jeans that sit on my waist
Eat Flinstones Vitamins
Drink until I puke
Take a history class
Take a biochemistry class
Leave my headlights on overnight
Mistake a Jalepeno for a green pepper
Ignore what seems to be a very minor health problem
Go rock climbing
Tolerate being ignored
Tolerate being disrespected
Sleep on dirty sheets
Ignore a dirty bathroom
Put Palmolive dish soap in the dishwasher
Think I can change someone
Try to change someone else
Listen to someone on the phone saying, "I can't see you tonight. Don't come over here. I can't see you tonight." while I sit listening on the other side of the door.
Wait more than 3 days before getting something dry cleaned
Buy scented tampons
Let someone hit me
Miss a Colin Firth movie
Eat anything soy
Wear make-up that isn't Clinique
Go back to my natural hair color
Have long hair
Buy expensive sunglasses
....... the list is always growing, but that's the best I can think of for now.
Monday, April 10, 2006
April 10, 2006 7:49pm
Let's talk about food.
Good food and good wine are two of my favorite things in the world. There is nothing sexier to me than preparing a romantic meal for two. Well, except maybe Colin Firth preparing a romantic dinner for me.
Food is art. I love cooking. In fact, it was quite a toss up for me to go to culinary school or pursue medicine. Sometimes when I'm really stressed about school I wonder if I made the right choice. But, I suppose any career choice has its stresses.
My problem with cooking, however, is that I never have the proper space or the proper equipment.
My house has a really nice kitchen that's great for cooking. Unfortunately, I'm 500 miles away from that right now. And there's still the equipment issue. Why is this crap so expensive? I had a pretty good collection of stuff when I was still living in Jersey, but a lot of it was, apparently, "on loan" from DB's FreakMom (just came up with that one!) and it was all taken back when he moved out. Not a huge loss since it was all really cheap stuff, but I realized I didn't have so much as a cookie sheet when I got there. But they can have it, really. I've had the food in that house ::shudder::.
But I digress, I'm on a mission now to stock my kitchen with uber cookware! It's all about the Calphalon, Wusthof and damn if i'm not going to get me a Kitchenaid stand mixer before the summer is out. There is a French Apple Tart with my name on it and I'm going to make it!
Williams-Sonoma is the obvious choice for high-end cookware, but any ideas on where to get better prices? Overstock has the cutlery I'm looking for. They occasionally have a calphalon pan or two up also.
Now, on to the subject of wine. Why do I love it like I do? I think because there's a story behind it. It's not like a bottle of vodka that tastes the same as any other bottle of that brand. Wine is slightly different...almost by the bottle. And there's also some skill involved in pairing it with the right food (or is it vice versa? :-) ).
Man, I need to pick some less expensive hobbies!
So what am I to do with picky eaters? Even as a child, I was always eating things that most "normal" kids wouldn't touch. I like caviar, smoked salmon, veal, you name it and I would eat it as long as it came from the New York Athletic Club or The Rainbow Room.
Because of this, I have a really hard time relating to people who won't try new things, or are just plan grossed out by anything that isn't doused in tomato sauce, ketchup, or gravy.
Sadly, mystery man seems to be one of these people. He also has this weird thing about not being able to eat anything that has a bone in it. As long as it's deboned it's fine. Doesn't he understand it cooks better with a bone in it!
I only learned this today. I'm afraid this is going to create a whole new level of complexity for me when choosing restaurants for us to go to. Not to mention the problems this creates when I want to have him over this summer for one of my grill nights. Mmmmm...rare steak and red wine. ::slurp::
Well, I guess I'll just have to break him of that.
People are weird. I don't like dealing with others' weirdness.
Good food and good wine are two of my favorite things in the world. There is nothing sexier to me than preparing a romantic meal for two. Well, except maybe Colin Firth preparing a romantic dinner for me.
Food is art. I love cooking. In fact, it was quite a toss up for me to go to culinary school or pursue medicine. Sometimes when I'm really stressed about school I wonder if I made the right choice. But, I suppose any career choice has its stresses.
My problem with cooking, however, is that I never have the proper space or the proper equipment.
My house has a really nice kitchen that's great for cooking. Unfortunately, I'm 500 miles away from that right now. And there's still the equipment issue. Why is this crap so expensive? I had a pretty good collection of stuff when I was still living in Jersey, but a lot of it was, apparently, "on loan" from DB's FreakMom (just came up with that one!) and it was all taken back when he moved out. Not a huge loss since it was all really cheap stuff, but I realized I didn't have so much as a cookie sheet when I got there. But they can have it, really. I've had the food in that house ::shudder::.
But I digress, I'm on a mission now to stock my kitchen with uber cookware! It's all about the Calphalon, Wusthof and damn if i'm not going to get me a Kitchenaid stand mixer before the summer is out. There is a French Apple Tart with my name on it and I'm going to make it!
Williams-Sonoma is the obvious choice for high-end cookware, but any ideas on where to get better prices? Overstock has the cutlery I'm looking for. They occasionally have a calphalon pan or two up also.
Now, on to the subject of wine. Why do I love it like I do? I think because there's a story behind it. It's not like a bottle of vodka that tastes the same as any other bottle of that brand. Wine is slightly different...almost by the bottle. And there's also some skill involved in pairing it with the right food (or is it vice versa? :-) ).
Man, I need to pick some less expensive hobbies!
So what am I to do with picky eaters? Even as a child, I was always eating things that most "normal" kids wouldn't touch. I like caviar, smoked salmon, veal, you name it and I would eat it as long as it came from the New York Athletic Club or The Rainbow Room.
Because of this, I have a really hard time relating to people who won't try new things, or are just plan grossed out by anything that isn't doused in tomato sauce, ketchup, or gravy.
Sadly, mystery man seems to be one of these people. He also has this weird thing about not being able to eat anything that has a bone in it. As long as it's deboned it's fine. Doesn't he understand it cooks better with a bone in it!
I only learned this today. I'm afraid this is going to create a whole new level of complexity for me when choosing restaurants for us to go to. Not to mention the problems this creates when I want to have him over this summer for one of my grill nights. Mmmmm...rare steak and red wine. ::slurp::
Well, I guess I'll just have to break him of that.
People are weird. I don't like dealing with others' weirdness.
F(Ph)at Ride
Further proof of America's obesity problem......
Poor Ferrari. Nobody taught it proper eating habits.
Poor Ferrari. Nobody taught it proper eating habits.
Sunday, April 09, 2006
April 9, 11:50pm
One more thing....
The BBM's post on needing a man inspired me...
Has every woman in the world had the opportunity to be with a man who can really please her? Obviously, the answer is no. So what happens in this case?
I'll tell you what happens! The woman ends up thinking that sex is a chore. There are 1000 more interesting things to do. IT's the least intimate, least romantic, least enjoyable thing.
So why are there some men who really know how to please a woman and some who don't.
Accoring to mystery man, some men are just in it for themselves, and some men just don't bother to try very hard even though they may want to do better.
I'm not sure which situation I've been in over the past 8 years, but neither is very good.
Let's just say that a whole new world has opened up to me because of mystery man. I had absolutely no fucking idea there were men in the world like this. Despite my love of words, I don't think I can even string together a sentence that would do him justice.
Truly.
And just 4 days until I go home.
Yes!
The BBM's post on needing a man inspired me...
Has every woman in the world had the opportunity to be with a man who can really please her? Obviously, the answer is no. So what happens in this case?
I'll tell you what happens! The woman ends up thinking that sex is a chore. There are 1000 more interesting things to do. IT's the least intimate, least romantic, least enjoyable thing.
So why are there some men who really know how to please a woman and some who don't.
Accoring to mystery man, some men are just in it for themselves, and some men just don't bother to try very hard even though they may want to do better.
I'm not sure which situation I've been in over the past 8 years, but neither is very good.
Let's just say that a whole new world has opened up to me because of mystery man. I had absolutely no fucking idea there were men in the world like this. Despite my love of words, I don't think I can even string together a sentence that would do him justice.
Truly.
And just 4 days until I go home.
Yes!
April 9, 2006 11:18pm
Like the new snazzy look of the blog?
So I've been thinking that I want to start taking more pictures. There's something really cool about pictures. I never went through that photography phase as a teenager and took pictures of my feet, hands, or church steeples. Actually, I never really thought about photography until I realized that almost any picture you take suddenly looks "artsy" in black and white.
My digital camera isn't all that fancy, but I can get some good shots with it.
Maybe that will be one of my summer activities.
Oh, did I mention that I might have a job for the summer? Actually, it would be my old job. It was offered to me for double what I was making when I left. The catch is that it's supposed to be full time and I just don't want to give up that much of my summer.
We'll see. I do miss the work. I did disaster planning for a large healthcare system in NJ. We had a fun department. I'm still close to the guys I worked with. I would love to be able to work with them again, but I don't know that I was to make the 60 mile (one way) drive 5 days a week during my last summer off.
Why is there a magazine called Real Simple? It has a TV show too. Why does the concept of living a simple life require an Oprah-sized media format to get out its message?
Sure. It tells you how to organuze your garage using the newest Martha Stewart clear plastic bins. It helps you make "gourmet meals in under 30 minutes". Perfect for those busy moms who wish they could be Bobby Flay if only they had the time. It even will help you decorate your bedroom in bright white linens, walls, throws, and carpeting for under $500. So fresh looking that you think you can smell the Downy on the picture.
But what is "Real Simple" living?
Real simple is not taking out the trash. Real simple is not cleaning anything. Real simple is ordering take-out for every meal and paying extra for the delivery guy to bring it right to on the couch. Hell, just give them their own key to your house. You're not going anywhere, so it's not like anything will get stolen.
Real simple is not changing your sheets....ever. Washing them takes effort. And you just try telling me there's anything simple about folding a fitted sheet!
Real simple my ass!
So I've been thinking that I want to start taking more pictures. There's something really cool about pictures. I never went through that photography phase as a teenager and took pictures of my feet, hands, or church steeples. Actually, I never really thought about photography until I realized that almost any picture you take suddenly looks "artsy" in black and white.
My digital camera isn't all that fancy, but I can get some good shots with it.
Maybe that will be one of my summer activities.
Oh, did I mention that I might have a job for the summer? Actually, it would be my old job. It was offered to me for double what I was making when I left. The catch is that it's supposed to be full time and I just don't want to give up that much of my summer.
We'll see. I do miss the work. I did disaster planning for a large healthcare system in NJ. We had a fun department. I'm still close to the guys I worked with. I would love to be able to work with them again, but I don't know that I was to make the 60 mile (one way) drive 5 days a week during my last summer off.
Why is there a magazine called Real Simple? It has a TV show too. Why does the concept of living a simple life require an Oprah-sized media format to get out its message?
Sure. It tells you how to organuze your garage using the newest Martha Stewart clear plastic bins. It helps you make "gourmet meals in under 30 minutes". Perfect for those busy moms who wish they could be Bobby Flay if only they had the time. It even will help you decorate your bedroom in bright white linens, walls, throws, and carpeting for under $500. So fresh looking that you think you can smell the Downy on the picture.
But what is "Real Simple" living?
Real simple is not taking out the trash. Real simple is not cleaning anything. Real simple is ordering take-out for every meal and paying extra for the delivery guy to bring it right to on the couch. Hell, just give them their own key to your house. You're not going anywhere, so it's not like anything will get stolen.
Real simple is not changing your sheets....ever. Washing them takes effort. And you just try telling me there's anything simple about folding a fitted sheet!
Real simple my ass!
April 9, 2006 6:21pm
So very tired!
I don't know why, but I can't seem to get enough sleep lately.
I'm going home for Easter in a few days. I have Friday and Monday off. I'll be heading back up home Thursday afternoon. There's something really realxing about the drive home. For one, I'm going home. But it also gives me a chance to be alone, listen to music, and think. I talk to myself a lot in the car. I have conversations with people that I either want to have or know I will be having and this just gives me a chance to play it out before it happens.
Since I won't be home for very long, I'll mostly be catching up on sleep and visiting with family for Easter.
And, of course, there's the mystery man waiting for me!
I don't know why, but I can't seem to get enough sleep lately.
I'm going home for Easter in a few days. I have Friday and Monday off. I'll be heading back up home Thursday afternoon. There's something really realxing about the drive home. For one, I'm going home. But it also gives me a chance to be alone, listen to music, and think. I talk to myself a lot in the car. I have conversations with people that I either want to have or know I will be having and this just gives me a chance to play it out before it happens.
Since I won't be home for very long, I'll mostly be catching up on sleep and visiting with family for Easter.
And, of course, there's the mystery man waiting for me!
Saturday, April 08, 2006
April 8, 2006 1:31pm
Honesty.
Isn't it the most beautiful, pure thing in the world? And so simple too. Writers have to come up with fiction all the time. That's difficult. That's work.
Honesty is so much easier.
So why is it so flippin' hard for people to be honest?
Let's give an example from my life.....
For years and years, DB lied about stuff. He would lie about stupid things, the way a little kid lies about brushing his teeth or cleaning his room. Then, at the end, he graduated to bigger lies...like who he was talking to, seeing, whatever.
Is it genetic? His mother is one of the biggest manipulators I've ever seen, so it's possible.
Another example....
At one of my summer jobs, there was a guy who started there and kept telling these absurd lies about his job, his accomplishments, his girlfriend. The lies were so absurd that everyone was scratching their head. If you're going to lie, at least make it somewhat believable.
On the flip side of that....
Last night I had a rather long, detailed conversation with my mystery man. I told him lots of things that had been on my mind or bothering me since our week together. I told him everything. He listened. HE participated in the conversation. He understood my concerns.
At the end of it all, I felt so much better. He seemed to be quite happy too since we ended laughing and really enjoying each other's "phone company".
So easy. Why can't it always be like that?
I know sometimes truth hurts. But wouldn't you rather know it and maybe have your feelings a little hurt because someone doesn't like something that you're doing...rather than have them walk out the door and say how much they can't stand you when you never meant to hurt or upset them in the first place?
Isn't it the most beautiful, pure thing in the world? And so simple too. Writers have to come up with fiction all the time. That's difficult. That's work.
Honesty is so much easier.
So why is it so flippin' hard for people to be honest?
Let's give an example from my life.....
For years and years, DB lied about stuff. He would lie about stupid things, the way a little kid lies about brushing his teeth or cleaning his room. Then, at the end, he graduated to bigger lies...like who he was talking to, seeing, whatever.
Is it genetic? His mother is one of the biggest manipulators I've ever seen, so it's possible.
Another example....
At one of my summer jobs, there was a guy who started there and kept telling these absurd lies about his job, his accomplishments, his girlfriend. The lies were so absurd that everyone was scratching their head. If you're going to lie, at least make it somewhat believable.
On the flip side of that....
Last night I had a rather long, detailed conversation with my mystery man. I told him lots of things that had been on my mind or bothering me since our week together. I told him everything. He listened. HE participated in the conversation. He understood my concerns.
At the end of it all, I felt so much better. He seemed to be quite happy too since we ended laughing and really enjoying each other's "phone company".
So easy. Why can't it always be like that?
I know sometimes truth hurts. But wouldn't you rather know it and maybe have your feelings a little hurt because someone doesn't like something that you're doing...rather than have them walk out the door and say how much they can't stand you when you never meant to hurt or upset them in the first place?
Thursday, April 06, 2006
April 6, 2006 5:01pm
See? It's 5:01, which means it's an acceptable time for me to crack open a bottle of wine and enjoy a glass on my deck.
If the sun would come out just a little bit more, it would be a perfect evening. This darn cloud over my head is creating an annoying draft.
I got a letter in the mail informing me that my apartment complex has been sold. The new owners, however, will continue to "honor all current lease agreements." But it doesn't say for how long. My suspicions were confirmed today when I saw three guys walking around on my deck examining the siding, roof, and various other structural things. I was hearing words like "condo" and "firewall", which makes me think they want to sell these apartments off, but certain changes will have to be made to meet code.
Argh! I really hope they can hold off on this for another year. I only have to live here until next May and then I'm off on rotations. I would really hate to have to find a new place just for next year and then move again. Moving is probably the most annoying thing to have to do, so I want to do it as few times as possible in my life.
This rain cloud is starting to look very ominous......
If the sun would come out just a little bit more, it would be a perfect evening. This darn cloud over my head is creating an annoying draft.
I got a letter in the mail informing me that my apartment complex has been sold. The new owners, however, will continue to "honor all current lease agreements." But it doesn't say for how long. My suspicions were confirmed today when I saw three guys walking around on my deck examining the siding, roof, and various other structural things. I was hearing words like "condo" and "firewall", which makes me think they want to sell these apartments off, but certain changes will have to be made to meet code.
Argh! I really hope they can hold off on this for another year. I only have to live here until next May and then I'm off on rotations. I would really hate to have to find a new place just for next year and then move again. Moving is probably the most annoying thing to have to do, so I want to do it as few times as possible in my life.
This rain cloud is starting to look very ominous......
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
April 4, 2006 4:57pm
What are your expectations for your life?
And do your expectations include expectations for other people? Or do you just sort of let everyone else do as they please?
I wish I could do that. I wish I didn't feel the need to set my life up in such a way that I need other people to act according to my plan.
I'm working on that, I really am.
But then again, you have to have some expectations for the people in your life. Otherwise, you'll be selling yourself short. And you could end up with some major moochers along the way (::ahem:: not mentioning anyone who I was ever involved with).
Argh. I want to just make a list of all the crappy things from our relationship. Sort of like the dumbass list he sent me of all the things he took from the house...an incomplete list, of course, as I found out when I got to the house. How he would take money from my bag, the lies, lies and more lies, the certifiably nuts mother who i'm sure is overjoyed to have her "wittew wy wy" back, the inability to, well, ya know (wonder if those last two things were related...). Barf.
I once had absurdly high expectations for myself. Academically, professionally, socially...I was supposed to be able to do it all and be at the top of my game in everything.
Reality is a bitch.
Over the last few years, I set more realistic goals for myself. I also changed my priorities. I'm okay with not being a "name" in my chosen field. I'm happy with knowing I'm doing something I enjoy.
Then there's all the other stuff that was a huge focus for me... marriage, family, home. I wanted that more than anything. Now I can go back to just focusing on school and career. I guess that's a good thing, but it just means changing my priorities for a while.
When I was back at my house last week, I realized that a lot of my plans for the house are different now. Six months ago, I was thinking about kids rooms and how I could make the room over the garage a combo office/playroom. Now it's all for me. Now my plans for the house involve decorating, painting, and making my house my own. No plans for kids rooms or playrooms, though I'm still going with my office idea.
I want a glass of wine and an evening at the beach.
No deal, though. I still have two months of school. Oh, and jujitsu class tonight.
Apparently, 6 hours of jujitsu a week for the past few months have done this body good.
And do your expectations include expectations for other people? Or do you just sort of let everyone else do as they please?
I wish I could do that. I wish I didn't feel the need to set my life up in such a way that I need other people to act according to my plan.
I'm working on that, I really am.
But then again, you have to have some expectations for the people in your life. Otherwise, you'll be selling yourself short. And you could end up with some major moochers along the way (::ahem:: not mentioning anyone who I was ever involved with).
Argh. I want to just make a list of all the crappy things from our relationship. Sort of like the dumbass list he sent me of all the things he took from the house...an incomplete list, of course, as I found out when I got to the house. How he would take money from my bag, the lies, lies and more lies, the certifiably nuts mother who i'm sure is overjoyed to have her "wittew wy wy" back, the inability to, well, ya know (wonder if those last two things were related...). Barf.
I once had absurdly high expectations for myself. Academically, professionally, socially...I was supposed to be able to do it all and be at the top of my game in everything.
Reality is a bitch.
Over the last few years, I set more realistic goals for myself. I also changed my priorities. I'm okay with not being a "name" in my chosen field. I'm happy with knowing I'm doing something I enjoy.
Then there's all the other stuff that was a huge focus for me... marriage, family, home. I wanted that more than anything. Now I can go back to just focusing on school and career. I guess that's a good thing, but it just means changing my priorities for a while.
When I was back at my house last week, I realized that a lot of my plans for the house are different now. Six months ago, I was thinking about kids rooms and how I could make the room over the garage a combo office/playroom. Now it's all for me. Now my plans for the house involve decorating, painting, and making my house my own. No plans for kids rooms or playrooms, though I'm still going with my office idea.
I want a glass of wine and an evening at the beach.
No deal, though. I still have two months of school. Oh, and jujitsu class tonight.
Apparently, 6 hours of jujitsu a week for the past few months have done this body good.
Monday, April 03, 2006
April 3, 2006 9:28pm
Nothing in my life is ever straightforward. Despite all of my planning, pre-planning, and more planning.... there's always a complication.
::sigh::
Of course, I'm being sarcastic. I know nothing ever just goes completely smoothly. At least nothing really important or worthwhile.
So here's the thing....
DB and I have been splitsville for over two months now. In the mean time, my mystery man has surfaced. But the thing is that he's always been there. We've been friends for so long that I don't remember what it was like when he wasn't in my life. Or maybe I just don't want to remember.
Even when we were "just friends", I would sometimes wonder what it would be like if we were more than that. If we lived in a parallel universe and I could see what my life would be like if I wasn't marrying DB and maybe mystery man and I had a chance. And I probably thought about that more than I should have, but looking back now (hindsight really is a bitch) I can see why I escaped to my daydreams so often.
Now, before I've even had a chance to think about it...here we are. Mystery Man and I are a very real possibility.
I know my description of our date was amusing, but I left out the mushy stuff.
I left out how when he touches my hand, my toes curl. When I hear his voice, I instantly settle down and loose that restless feeling I almost always have. Even before this week we spent together, and probably even more these last two months of us getting closer in a "more than friends" way, there was a level of intimacy that I could have with him that I've never had with anyone. I'm not talking about physical intimacy. I mean being able to talk to someone for hours and not run out of things to say. Knowing someone who understands you, what you say, can read your eyes.
Sounds perfect, right?
The key here is all in the timing. Not moving too fast, even though it feels soo incredibly right. Not jumping into something for the wrong reasons. Being absolutely sure that this would have happened regardless of what happened to me in the past few months. Because this is way too special to mess up, if for no other reason than there is an important friendship on the line.
But what do you do when it's just so easy to jump right into the deep end? Why is so easy to do that? Is it because I'm just looking for someone to distract me from my hurt? Or is it easy because we've known each other for so long and thought about this for so many years that it just feels natural?
Being 500 miles away doesn't make this any easier. You'd think that it would. But it really doesn't. All it does it make me wonder what's going to happen next. And the anticipation makes it all worse...or maybe better, depending on how you look at it.
Back to studying...
Steady As We Go
-Dave Matthews Band
I'll walk halfway around the world
Just to sit down by your side
And I would do most anything, girl
To be the apple of your eye
Well troubles, they may come and go
But good times, they're the gold
And if the road gets rocky, girl
Just steady as we go
Any place you wanna go
Know I'll be next to you
If it's treasure, baby, you're looking for
I'll search the whole world through
I know troubles, they may come and go
But good times, they're the gold
So if the road gets rocky, girl
Just steady as we go
When the storm comes down you shelter me
When I don't say a word and you know exactly what i mean
In the darkest times, oh, you shine on me
You set me free and keep me steady as we go
So if your heart wrings dry, my love
I will fill your cup
And if your load gets heavy, girl
I will lift you up
Well troubles, they may come and go
But good times be the gold
So if the road gets rocky, girl
Just steady as we go
::sigh::
Of course, I'm being sarcastic. I know nothing ever just goes completely smoothly. At least nothing really important or worthwhile.
So here's the thing....
DB and I have been splitsville for over two months now. In the mean time, my mystery man has surfaced. But the thing is that he's always been there. We've been friends for so long that I don't remember what it was like when he wasn't in my life. Or maybe I just don't want to remember.
Even when we were "just friends", I would sometimes wonder what it would be like if we were more than that. If we lived in a parallel universe and I could see what my life would be like if I wasn't marrying DB and maybe mystery man and I had a chance. And I probably thought about that more than I should have, but looking back now (hindsight really is a bitch) I can see why I escaped to my daydreams so often.
Now, before I've even had a chance to think about it...here we are. Mystery Man and I are a very real possibility.
I know my description of our date was amusing, but I left out the mushy stuff.
I left out how when he touches my hand, my toes curl. When I hear his voice, I instantly settle down and loose that restless feeling I almost always have. Even before this week we spent together, and probably even more these last two months of us getting closer in a "more than friends" way, there was a level of intimacy that I could have with him that I've never had with anyone. I'm not talking about physical intimacy. I mean being able to talk to someone for hours and not run out of things to say. Knowing someone who understands you, what you say, can read your eyes.
Sounds perfect, right?
The key here is all in the timing. Not moving too fast, even though it feels soo incredibly right. Not jumping into something for the wrong reasons. Being absolutely sure that this would have happened regardless of what happened to me in the past few months. Because this is way too special to mess up, if for no other reason than there is an important friendship on the line.
But what do you do when it's just so easy to jump right into the deep end? Why is so easy to do that? Is it because I'm just looking for someone to distract me from my hurt? Or is it easy because we've known each other for so long and thought about this for so many years that it just feels natural?
Being 500 miles away doesn't make this any easier. You'd think that it would. But it really doesn't. All it does it make me wonder what's going to happen next. And the anticipation makes it all worse...or maybe better, depending on how you look at it.
Back to studying...
Steady As We Go
-Dave Matthews Band
I'll walk halfway around the world
Just to sit down by your side
And I would do most anything, girl
To be the apple of your eye
Well troubles, they may come and go
But good times, they're the gold
And if the road gets rocky, girl
Just steady as we go
Any place you wanna go
Know I'll be next to you
If it's treasure, baby, you're looking for
I'll search the whole world through
I know troubles, they may come and go
But good times, they're the gold
So if the road gets rocky, girl
Just steady as we go
When the storm comes down you shelter me
When I don't say a word and you know exactly what i mean
In the darkest times, oh, you shine on me
You set me free and keep me steady as we go
So if your heart wrings dry, my love
I will fill your cup
And if your load gets heavy, girl
I will lift you up
Well troubles, they may come and go
But good times be the gold
So if the road gets rocky, girl
Just steady as we go
Saturday, April 01, 2006
April 1, 2006 2:31pm
I know....it's been days since I've updated.
The long and short of the week is that I have had a fabulous time at home. Getting to see all of friends has been great. Went out with my mystery man a few times too.
Yeah, I know. That's what you've all been waiting to hear about.
Imagine if Colin firth himself had asked me out and it was everything I every imagined it would be. That's what this week has been like.
Monday night became our night. I was perfectly calm the entire weekend thinking about it. I even squeezed in my mani/pedi and eyebrow wax Monday morning. Picked out the perfect outfit after some consultation with Ellen on the phone. Picked out a place for us to go.
5 minutes before he gets there, I start to panic. I mean, completely panic. Ya know that feeling you get in your stomach when you get really anxious about something? It's half "I'm gonna throw up" and half "I need a change of pants." Well, that's about where I was. Let's recall that the last time I went on a first date I was 17. The fact that I've been talking to my mystery man for months now and that I have known him as a friend for 4 years didn't make this any less stressful. In fact, it probably made it worse because I kept thinking that there was a greater possibility that I could disappoint him.
I decided to wear a pink boat neck weater, jeans, and these awesome strappy3 inch heeled sandals.
I had a plan (of course) for what I was going to say when he got there. Here's how it was supposed to go...
Me: Heyyyyyyy! :::hug:::
Mystery Man: Hi! Oh, it's so good to see you!
Me: It's great to see you too. Come on inside. I'll show you the place.
We were then supposed to proceed into the house where I was going to give him a brief description of what changes were made in each room and include any funny anecdotes about color matching and crown molding.
Then we would go to the reataurant. To make small talk, I would tell him about my drive up a few days earlier.
Here's what actually happened.....
O.k. he's here. Don't throw up. Does my breath smell? I have to go downstairs. Oh sweet Jesus, I can't walk in these heels! I could walk in them a minute ago. Now I look like a 6 year old in her mother's closet.
I open the door for him. I'm about to go into my script (as stated above) when he completely throws me off by speaking first.
Mystery Man: (looking somewhat dazed) You look amaaaaazing. Wow!
Uh....uh.....
Me: Th-th-thanks. He-e-e-y. It's um, great to....
Holy shit he has me in a vice grip. I'm never going to get out of this. My head is going to pop off. This isn't the friendly hug I was supposed to be in. I have to tell him about the house. I'm going to throw up.
Me: Um. So, come inside. I'll show you the place.
We walk inside to my living room.
Is this even my house? I don't have any idea what to say. It's a flippin' room. Who was I kidding thinking I'm some kind of Bob Vila?
Me: So. Yeah. This is the, um, living room.
::silence::
::crickets::
It's green.
And, this is the dining room. It was painted. It used to be a different color, but it was painted so now it's this color. But it was something different when we moved in. Kind of the same color, but not really. I like this one better.
What the hell is wrong with you? You are intelligent and articulate and have the ability to use multisyllabic words like multisyllabic. Use them for Chrissakes!
Luckily, I regained some composure and was able to get through the rest of the house without sounding like too much of an idiot.
Dinner. We should go to dinner. Then I can eat and not talk so much.
Me: So, you ready to go? Let's take my truck.
Mystery Man: Yeah. Sure.
I grab my bag and my keys. I'm heading for the door and....
Oh my God what is he doing? He's kissing me. Holy shit! This was not in my plan. Not in my plan at all!
Forward? Just a bit. But it made the rest of the night so much more wonderful. No more tension. No more nervousness. I was just me.
I saw him twice more this week. He is very, very, very taken with me. Aww shucks!
He really is wonderful, but it's all a bit scary. This isn't supposed to happen this fast. The fact that I have known him for so long and we always had some feeling for each other is making this move along a bit faster than it would if we just met. But it feels right. I'm happy.
I'm going back to school tomorrow. Bah!
The long and short of the week is that I have had a fabulous time at home. Getting to see all of friends has been great. Went out with my mystery man a few times too.
Yeah, I know. That's what you've all been waiting to hear about.
Imagine if Colin firth himself had asked me out and it was everything I every imagined it would be. That's what this week has been like.
Monday night became our night. I was perfectly calm the entire weekend thinking about it. I even squeezed in my mani/pedi and eyebrow wax Monday morning. Picked out the perfect outfit after some consultation with Ellen on the phone. Picked out a place for us to go.
5 minutes before he gets there, I start to panic. I mean, completely panic. Ya know that feeling you get in your stomach when you get really anxious about something? It's half "I'm gonna throw up" and half "I need a change of pants." Well, that's about where I was. Let's recall that the last time I went on a first date I was 17. The fact that I've been talking to my mystery man for months now and that I have known him as a friend for 4 years didn't make this any less stressful. In fact, it probably made it worse because I kept thinking that there was a greater possibility that I could disappoint him.
I decided to wear a pink boat neck weater, jeans, and these awesome strappy3 inch heeled sandals.
I had a plan (of course) for what I was going to say when he got there. Here's how it was supposed to go...
Me: Heyyyyyyy! :::hug:::
Mystery Man: Hi! Oh, it's so good to see you!
Me: It's great to see you too. Come on inside. I'll show you the place.
We were then supposed to proceed into the house where I was going to give him a brief description of what changes were made in each room and include any funny anecdotes about color matching and crown molding.
Then we would go to the reataurant. To make small talk, I would tell him about my drive up a few days earlier.
Here's what actually happened.....
O.k. he's here. Don't throw up. Does my breath smell? I have to go downstairs. Oh sweet Jesus, I can't walk in these heels! I could walk in them a minute ago. Now I look like a 6 year old in her mother's closet.
I open the door for him. I'm about to go into my script (as stated above) when he completely throws me off by speaking first.
Mystery Man: (looking somewhat dazed) You look amaaaaazing. Wow!
Uh....uh.....
Me: Th-th-thanks. He-e-e-y. It's um, great to....
Holy shit he has me in a vice grip. I'm never going to get out of this. My head is going to pop off. This isn't the friendly hug I was supposed to be in. I have to tell him about the house. I'm going to throw up.
Me: Um. So, come inside. I'll show you the place.
We walk inside to my living room.
Is this even my house? I don't have any idea what to say. It's a flippin' room. Who was I kidding thinking I'm some kind of Bob Vila?
Me: So. Yeah. This is the, um, living room.
::silence::
::crickets::
It's green.
And, this is the dining room. It was painted. It used to be a different color, but it was painted so now it's this color. But it was something different when we moved in. Kind of the same color, but not really. I like this one better.
What the hell is wrong with you? You are intelligent and articulate and have the ability to use multisyllabic words like multisyllabic. Use them for Chrissakes!
Luckily, I regained some composure and was able to get through the rest of the house without sounding like too much of an idiot.
Dinner. We should go to dinner. Then I can eat and not talk so much.
Me: So, you ready to go? Let's take my truck.
Mystery Man: Yeah. Sure.
I grab my bag and my keys. I'm heading for the door and....
Oh my God what is he doing? He's kissing me. Holy shit! This was not in my plan. Not in my plan at all!
Forward? Just a bit. But it made the rest of the night so much more wonderful. No more tension. No more nervousness. I was just me.
I saw him twice more this week. He is very, very, very taken with me. Aww shucks!
He really is wonderful, but it's all a bit scary. This isn't supposed to happen this fast. The fact that I have known him for so long and we always had some feeling for each other is making this move along a bit faster than it would if we just met. But it feels right. I'm happy.
I'm going back to school tomorrow. Bah!
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