January 31, 2006 6:42pm

In general, feel like crap. Probably because I haven't been eating very well and exams are coming up.

Still have a meltdown from time to time.

Mostly, I'm thinking about the future.

I have some great plans for what I want to do with the house this summer. And some offers for assistance from friends!

Plans are good. The future is good. I feel like I have an amazing one ahead of me.

I"m starting to accept that I'll never get the answers I'm looking for. None of it will ever make any sense to me because I am at a very different place in my life than he was. I was ready for a marriage, a family, and a home and he wasn't.

And I'm still ready for all of those things, just with someone who is more at my level and shares the same values I do.

I know not everyone lies like he did. I know not everyone will do things behind my back like he did. I know not all men are emotionally like a child, as he is.

I keep wondering how he is doing. This was a much larger upheaval of his life than mine, really. My daily life down at school hasn't changed much and when I go back to Jersey I will still be living in the same house I had planned to live in with him.

But he had to move out of our house and (apparently by choice) into his parents' house. That has to be difficult. Or maybe not. Maybe that's where he feels safest. Either way, he has moved out of a town that he was quite established in. Even his phone number is different. Little things that we take for granted staying the same from day to day.

Been listeing to lots of music. I discovered James Blunt the other day. Well, I didn't discover him in the literal sense, but I found him on iTunes.

"Goodbye My Lover"

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

January 29, 2006 2:05pm

I went out last night and had an okay time.

Went to "The Fort" for a few drinks with some friends from school. It was a pretty slow night there and not a lot of students. They all seem to hang out at the martini bar, but that place is too rich for my blood.

Quiet again. Too quiet.

I hate that I still feel sick every day.

I hate unresolved issues, but I don't expect that he will contact me to settle out some things. It's easier to just run away rather than face something. I guess that's how we ended up here. He ran away rather than try to work on this. Why would I want to be with someone like that? Maybe because I thought that was as good as it gets.

It just can't be, though.

Shit. I'm falling apart again. I need to start to accept that I will never get answers to the questions I have.

I hate, hate, hate this. I'm angry one minute and so painfully hurt the next. Then angry again. Then confused.

How is it that nobody in this process said to him "Hey, um, this is kind of a dick head way to handle this." I guess the joke was really on me. I hope everyone really enjoyed their laugh at my expense. That tells me a lot about the character of the people he associates with....his friends, his family.

How do you break down in tears saying you love someone so much that you're terrified they will leave you and then two weeks later end the relationship because you "just don't feel anything"? How do you listen to a bunch of wedding ideas one evening and say "yeah, that sounds good" and then less than 24 hours later break the engagement? What kind of a human being does that to someone they cared about for so long? How can someone be so cruel?

January 28, 2006 7:29pm

The nights are always the hardest.

It's quiet here.

I have always liked quiet. I think because I knew I could break it whenever I wanted.

I was never much of a "going out" kind of person. Now I feel like I have to just to survive down here without going out of my mind.

It will be better when I'm home and can work on my house and have the people I love in it.

Except for one.

No matter what, a part of me is always going to love him. Eventually, the hurt will fade and I will feel like me again.

We had almost 8 years of amazing memories that haunt me now. One day I will be able to think about them fondly. And I will have new memories.

Some things he said to me make me wonder what he's feeling. It was all so disjointed and confused. I wonder if he has come to some sort of reality in his life that nobody can understand but him. I know his mother has had problems with depression and he has had difficulty in the past dealing with some situations. Diazepam doesn't cure everything. If he is hurting, I know that nobody will recognize it and it will continue. That scares me.


I have exams coming up in another week. Time is flying by. The rest of this year will fly by and I will soon be done with my first year of medical school. The next three will probably go just as fast, if not faster.

I'm looking forward to the rest of my life.

January 28, 2006 2:54pm

Had a weird night.

Felt awful for most of it because I was going to be completely alone. So I started drinking beer around 8. A friend called me about 9:30 and we talked until after 1am.

I don't want to do this. I don't want to run to a rebound man and put someone else through my hurt. Especially not him. I would be jeopardizing a friendship and not really helping myself along at all.

It could be very ugly.

I got a text message from him this morning. I think we both are wondering what should be said next.

I was pretty tipsy toward the end of the coversation and I'm not entirely sure what I said. Well, I have a general idea. I was sober enough to not let it get out of control and say what I was really thinking. I was about two beers away from that, though.

Went for a nice, long drive this afternoon. I took a few pictures. Maybe I'll post them if I get around to getting them off the camera.

Back to studying.

January 27, 2006 6:44pm

Christ Almighty do I miss him! Despite the hurt and the frustration I miss him almost every second of the day.

This weekend is going to be difficult. I have school work to do, but I'm not actually forced to get out of bed every morning and make it to class. Not that I'm forced any other day, but sleeping in isn't an option since I don't really sleep now anyway.

I really don't know what to do with my time now. It's quiet here. Well, it was always quiet here, but there was always the hope of a phone call or a visit in a few weeks. Now that's gone.

Tomorrow I will wash my truck...oooh, it's first bath! Then the rest of the day will be spent on school work. Might go out tomorrow night if there's something happening locally. A plan. A plan is good. A plan will keep me busy.

I wish I could be surrounded by friends right now. A whole room full of them.

Funny, because I was always most content when it was just me at home alone. I was happy being alone as long as I knew he was still there...though 500 miles away. Now I just need constant stimulation to keep my mind busy.

January 26, 2006 10:03pm

So incredibly tired of hurting.

Tired of trying to rationalize why this happened.

How do you throw away 8 years of a relationship without bothering to work on it?

Why did he lie to me?

Why did he take the couch? Kind of laughable, but seriously, why?

Why does someone bail as soon as life gets serious?

Why are some people content not striving for more?

Why do crappy things always have to happen to me?

I just want to catch a break once.

January 26, 2006 1:03pm

It seems my blog was invaded by some pests. I have my suspicions about who it is, but that doesn''t really matter anyway. I'm disappointed in them, but not surprised.

The purpose of me writing this blog is to vent what I'm feeling at any given moment. Unless someone has been in a similar situation, the emotional roller coaster just can't be explained. I wouldn't expect others to understand why I say the things I say. Sometimes I don't mean it 20 minutes later. Sometimes I still mean it a day later.

Bottom line is that he was right. We are too different. I thought I was okay with him not having the same goals I had (or not really having any) and I probably would be okay with that for a while. But that doesn't mean I would still be happy 10 years from now with a husband who I feel like I'm dragging through life.

Yeah, I nagged him. But, a 26 year old man (in this case, boy) shouldn't have to be nagged about finishing college and moving on with his career. That's like a 14 year old kid who won't do his homework. Acceptable at 14, but not at 26.

We were teenagers when we met and I grew up. In the process, it seems, we grew apart. That became more apparent when I came to medical school.


My friend, Amy, sent me something. It's a bracelet I gave her because she was having a rough time. It's a silver bangle bracelet with a charm on it that says "strength". I gave it to her to remind her that she has it and she sent to me for the same reason. It's like our own version of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

Went out to lunch today with some friends. Had a really great time. That kept my mind occupied for a while.

Tomorrow is looking brighter.

January 25, 2006

I feel incredibly blessed to have the group of friends that I have.

The last few days have been a never-ending stream of phone calls and emails.

It helps remind me that I'm going to be okay, that I'm not someone who should be settled for...as he said when he was here... I am in no way a consolation prize. I'm well educated, funny, have a sunny future, and have a house. Yeah, the bar is real low for me. :-)

One day I will find someone who is my equal.

But good grief, did everyone in the world know I was marrying beneath me? Next time, tell me!


Today has been the best day I've had all week, in terms of how I feel. I was able to eat normally again and I feel pretty motivated to do school work.

There's some stuff that I need to work out with him. Some things that one of us pays for the other and some stuff I have of his. I called his parents' house and left a message, since that's where he told me to reach him. I also sent an email since I don't expect him to be man enough to have an adult conversation with me, so it might be easier for him to communicate by email.

The weirdest thing for me is thinking about going back to dating. I've never dated as an adult. For that matter, I've apparently never dated an adult either. We were together since I was 17, so this is going to be an interesting endeavor. One that I am kind of looking forward to, though.

January 24, 2006 3:29pm

I hate this. Just when I think I'm okay, I fall apart again.

And I'm pissed off.

What a man! Doesn't tell me that he's doing this. Moves out (presumably with the help of some of his scum bag friends). And the whole while he's talking to me like nothing's wrong. Drives down here in his parents fucking car. Who knows who came down with him. 500 miles is a lot of time to think and he was like a programmed robot with what he had to say.

Everyone I've talked to thinks he must be the world's biggest ass. Just for the way he decided to end an 8 year relationship, if for nothing else. Because a couple months have been bad he bails. Nice. Real mature.

He always was pretty immature so I guess I shouldn't be so surprised. Now he's home with mommy and daddy again and he can feel secure that he doesn't have any actual responsibilities. They won't expect much from him and he'll be happy settling for being an underachiever who goes nowhere with his life.

Thinking back on all the lies he told me...just recently and probably for years....and how he said even on Saturday that "I've never lied to you." makes me ill. How do people like this sleep at night knowing what they do?

I don't know how to be okay.

January 23, 2006 4:43pm

So much for that whole marriage thing.

Funny how your world can fall apart in an instant.

He came down on Saturday for the sole purpose of ending our relationship.

So bizarre. After 8 years of a good thing it's now over.

I can't bring myself to express the details again. He blamed me, but then he changed his tune and said we were just too different for this to work. Then he said he would be settling for me if he stayed. He had already moved out of the house. Nice. Just a few days ago he is giving me information for our engagement announcement and the whole time he's moving out.

Heartbreaking isn't even the word.

I just want this to stop hurting so I can start to move on.

My theory: he has always been emotionally immature and the responsibility of a marriage and a house was not something that made him happy. His first move was right back to mommy and daddy.

There's also the psycho chick variable. A friend of his who is getting a divorce who started calling him a lot. She told him she was in love with him. All of a sudden he decided he's settling for me.

Settling. C'mon. Anyone who knows both of us could see who would be settling for who.

He told me he stopped talking to her after she flipped out on the phone with him one night. But I just checked our cell phone bills and I see he was still talking to her.

Like I said. Heartbreaking isn't even the word.

I can't even breathe.

When he was here, it was like he wasn't himself. He was some horrible, mean person. But there was just no emotion there. No sadness, but no anger either. Just a blank stare.

He talked to my mom the next day and she said he was the exact same way. Just blank.

He also assumed we would be selling the house. Um, no! That's my home. Just because he is throwing away our life together doesn't mean that my plans change.

My life as I have known it for about 8 years is now over.

And tomorrow is a new day.

January 19, 2006 10:53pm

I'm getting married.

Not right now, but in a year and a half I will be getting married.

There's a great deal of irony in that since I never considered myself to be the marrying type. I hated the entire idea of marriage. Only boring people get married. Or maybe people get boring after they get married.

So it's ironic that I should be getting married in a very traditional way to a very traditional man.

Still keeping my name, though.

I think marriage was invented by people for foresaw the coming of the wedding industry. Nostradamus must have said something about all of this.

What's annoying me today? Lack of privacy. I don't mean in the "someone may be tapping my phone" sense. I mean that if my neighbor has a party on, oh, say a Wednesday night that goes until, oh, say 3am, I can hear it because we share a wall.

Apartments were the worst invention ever. Everyone should be separated by at least 1 acre of land.

I have absolutely no idea how big an acre is. I'm from New Jersey. Size and distance are measured by how long it takes you to get there. "How far is New York City?" About an hour. "How far is Philly?" About an hour. "How far is Atlantic City?" About an hour.

Miles are irrelevant. Montclair is 10 miles up the Parkway from Union, but it will take you "about an hour" to go that distance at 5pm on a weekday.

I have gone way off topic tonight.


I like talking to people who understand my humor. I think humor and intelligence are related. Most people don't get my humor, which is probably why I think most people are really dumb.

Yup, that's a true confession.





I

January 15, 2006 8:26pm

It's flippin' cold here in Lewisburg. It wouldn't bother me so much if I had heat. I think I already mentioned my heat issue before. Well, it continues to be an issue. I can't feel my toes, but just the two middle ones.

I've been evaluating the fundamental differences between the way men and women think. I know there's a plethora of books already on this topic, but I'm not into all the Mars/Venus stuff. I want to know why we can't find a common ground.

I have been told repeatedly by my friend, Mike, that men just want to make women happy. What keeps them from making women happy is not understanding what women want. He says that men are simple-minded and see the world in a very literal way. Women are better at taking the logical leaps and, therefore, expect things that a man just can't put together on his own. Men, he tells me, require very little to be happy. Just being faithful, paying attention to them, and making sure they are well fed is enough.

Fine. So I always try to be as specific as I possibly can be. Everything from making lists of what I want for holidays and spelling out exactly how much emotional attention I want to "Yes! Yes! Right THERE!" ::ahem::

Depite my best efforts, though, there still seems to be a disconnect. I never get exactly what I want, leaving me feeling empty. This puts me in a bad mood. As a result, I become an intolerable bitch. The cycle continues.

The result? Nobody is happy. Nobody really gets what they want.

So why can't men and women find common ground? Are we destined to be unhappy but accept that as a fact of life?

I need a bottle of wine and some new stilettos. These are the things that make me happy.

That and a dozen roses now and then.

January 9, 2006 9:05pm

I will forever be a Jersey Girl at heart. Yup yup.

Home was great. I got to see most of my friends. My house is amazing. Ryan did a great job with painting and directing the various construction projects.

Below is a picture of my friends from the New Year's Eve Eve party at my house. I was still recovering from the Death Virus, which is why I look more pale and pasty than usual.

From Left: Brooke, Amy, Me. Eileen is on the bottom. She isn't really that short. She's squatting, I swear.

Oh yes, I got the Death Virus over Christmas. Everyone at school had it during the weeks prior to block week. I got it two days after blocks were over.

Yeah, I was fun to be around.

And I got a new truck (pictures to come soon). I love, love, love it!


Now I"m back at school. Every time I go back to schoo after a break I always have these grand plans to be organized, on top of everything, and keep from accumulating crap at the bottom of my bookbag. One long nap and a West Wing Monday Night Marathon is all it takes to screw up that plan.

Who am I kidding, it doesn't take more than two back to back episodes of Will and Grace on Lifetime to throw off my schedule and send me right into lazyland.

Disney should make a Lazyland. There would be satellite televisions and recliners everywhere. My own personal waiter (a hot one) would bring me Diet Coke with just the right amount of crushed ice (so that it's almost like a diet coke margarita) and a lemon wedge already de-seeded. I would have new sneakers every 6 hours since that's about as long as it takes new sneakers to get broken in and lose that new sneaker comfortable feeling.

But back to my academic woes. Now I have a pile of work to do and lots of TV to watch.

Never fear procrastinators! A long weekend approaches! Three cheers for Martin Luther King.