September 29, 2006 9:58am

For the past few weeks I have been having crippling anxiety attacks that have only been getting worse by the day.

This used to happen to me a few times a year and was usually associated with something really stressful- like exams or applying to med school.

2007 has been the worst year of my life. In comparison with some awful things that can happen to people, I guess it's been more on the level of life-changing and emotionally devastating, but not insurmountable.

Anyway, it's just been getting worse and worse to the point that when I'm not having a meltdown, I'm worrying about when the next one will happen.

I finally told Mike about it last Thursday. He felt terrible. He felt responsible- which he isn't. This is me. My own deamons, I guess. He's been going through some of his own personal issues, so I delayed dumping it all on him for a while. He talked with me for over an hour. I made him late for work, but only because I didn't know he was on his way into work when I called. I had been calling him throughout the week and tried a few text messages to get his attention, but he wasn't getting some of my calls or messages. apparently his phone had been cloned and when that happens one misses some of their calls. He was going to go to Verizon first chance he got to get it all taken care of.

He told me not to feel so alone and he completely understands how I feel. I can't just keep swallowing my emotions because that's what he does and it doesn't work. Before he hung up, he told me he loves me and that even though he's been dealing with his own problems, he wants to get himself better so he can be of more use to me.

Sounds great, right?

Then, as of Saturday afternoon his cell phone number is not in service and I have no other way to reach him- besides maybe go to his house which isn't an option. Oh, there's email so I sent one of those, but he hasn't read it yet. He rarely gets to a computer so that doesn't surprise me terribly.

WTF? This is just the shit I need right now. I've decided that either 1) He decided to ditch the phone and get a new number because it was cloned and it was a convenient way to get away from me to not tell me his new number 2) His service was suspended by Verizon so that they didn't have to keep paying for the internaltional calls the cloner was making and he didn't set up a new number yet 3) #2 happened, he has a new number, but he's in such a bad head space he needed to disappear for a while.

#3 worries me because that means he's hurting and he isn't good at reaching out to people.

#1 scares me because it's eerily familiar in that someone tells me on a thursday that they love me and life is dandy, and by saturday the phone is disconnected and they've moved.

Not much luck finding a shrink out here in the mountains either. The one in town I called can't see me until the end of october and the receptionist was more interested in getting my insurance information than in finding a way to get me in earlier.

For some reason, the people I care about are always hurting me. It may not always be intentional, but it's happening anyway.

Which is making me having some very intense trust issues. If this is what my life is going to be like- why bother ever getting close to anyone- friends, family, whatever. It's just going to end up destroying me.

September 23, 2006 11:16am

BBM made some good additions to my list in comments.

That reminds me of two more.....

When a doctor prescribes something for high cholesterol, high blood pressure, heart disease, kidney problems, or whatever chronic issue one may have, do not stop taking the pills as soon as that problem is under control.

I'm always amazed when I hear a patient say, "Well, now that my cholesterol is better, can I stop taking the medicine and go back to the way I used to eat?" This is not poison ivy. It doesn't just "go away". If you're better it's because the drugs worked so keep taking them!

Another fun one is not finishing a bottle of antibiotics because you feel so gosh darn great after taking it for a week, why bother for two weeks? After all, the only reason they give you extra pills is so that the doctor's office can make more money on your next visit when you get sick again and need another prescription, right? Wrong. If you don't take everything in the bottle, you might have more bacteria hanging out in you- laying low for the right moment to multiply into crazy monsters that are now immune to whatever you tried to kill them with the first time.

And no, you can't give the rest of your pills to your friend Ethel, I don't care how close her symptoms are to yours. You might kill Ethel and then how would you feel?

September 22, 2006 11:13pm

Another weekend...

Still no Stud.

Had a really nice talk with Mike the other night. I hope he's able to come and visit soon.

Tonight, I'm thinking about how tired I am of people at my school complaining. They complain about everything- the bathrooms, the administration, the length of our lectures, the amount of material we have to learn, questions on tests, length of tests, time allowed on tests, when tests are given. ENOUGH ALREADY.

Two years ago when we were all applying to medical school and were just hoping that someplace, any place would take us I bet there were no complaints then. If someone said, "Okay, you can go to medical school, but you have to sit on a wooden bench during lectures for 10 hours each day. You can't ever bring a cushion. You are allowed only one meal of beans and rice daily. You must sleep on a straw mat. these are the conditions, take ir or leave it." Oh I'm sure plenty of them would take it just to be able to be in medical school. Now that they're here- they bitch and moan and complain constantly.

SHUT UP. I'm so tired of people thinking they know how to run a school better than anyone else. That medical students think they know what they need to know and how it should be presented because years and years of medical education obviously hasn't worked. No, we've been producing nothing but horrible doctors in this country. Nobody knows anything. Look at poor Angelina Jolie. She had to go to a 3rd world country to deliver her baby because there weren't any hospitals capable of handling her pregnancy here.

We have some of the best medical care in the world available in this country. And how did we get to that point? That's right, by having people go to medical school, sit on their ass, hear a lecture, and LEARN SOMETHING.

Stop running your mouth and open a book.

Jeez!

On a related note, I get really frustrated when I hear people say "doctors don't know anything". This is usually said by someone who has been to see their doctor complaining of a cough for 6 weeks and the exact cause of it is unknown...therefore making the treatment elusive. The same goes for any other non-descript symptom such as "fatigue", "rash", "flu-like symptoms", and "It hurts here."

It's not that doctors don't know anything. The reason it takes so long to diagnose some people is because there is a shit load of diseases that can cause problems like this. After you eliminate the immediately life-threatening or disabeling, it gets harder and harder to figure out what to do.

Then there are the people who have totally bizarre diseases. They usually end up on a tv show on TLC or on the Discovery Health channel. It makes every doctor who treated them look like a total fool because they try to diagnose and treat them with the more common ailments. Finally, after years and years they go to a specialist somewhere on the other side of the country who diagnoses them immediately as having a rare, strange disease that less than 1,000 people have in the entire country. It also just happens that this person has devoted their career to researching this one disease. They look like a genius, and the poor internist they saw 2 years ago who has never even heard of this problem looks like an idiot.

Not very fair.

When you hear hoofbeats, think horses not zebras.

So if you have a fever and chills and the dr tells you that you have a virus- go home, drink fluids, take tylenol, and rest it is because that works for most people. Sorry if it doesn't work for you, but don't expect anyone to start testing you for rare diseases with unusual presentations just because you think you're so special that you must have something different. While it isn't nice to bring up money, it is a reality and it's just to expensive to order lots of tests on people when it is unlikely that they have something other than the flu.

And one more thing! I know it's our responsibility as your care provider to ask the right questions, but please try to give all the information you can- even if it doesn't seem relevant at the time. For example, "I've had a headache for two days." Might make me think stroke in someone who is over 50 and had high blood pressure. But, if they kindly mention, "The headache started when a brick fell on my head." I can save mayself and them a lot of panic and unnecessary procedures. I know lots of things don't seem relevant, but it doesn't hurt to mention them. Let the Dr decide if it is important or not. If nothing else, it makes for an interesting day. I love a good story!

September 19, 2006 12:00am

Still haven't found The Stud yet. I'm evaluating my options.

I should probably wait until I'm done with school, or at least until I'm back home. There isn't much of a support system here and I think child care would be an issue.

I don't know if I'm 100% serious about this. Maybe more like 85%. I'm always open to new ideas and suggestions, though.

I want out of here. I want a more settled life.

September 17, 2006 6:08pm

Feeling less angry and much better today. :-)

I don't know what gets into me sometimes. Sometimes I'm angry with him. sometimes I feel sorry for him. One consolation is that he has put himself in a ponition to be with someone who lies and manipulates. She got into his head (not much of a challenge) and told him her divorce was finalized....um, a whole 3 weeks after she decided to leave her husband with no notice. Not possible (at least not in NJ).

At least I'm not dating someone who is still married.


Did I mention in another post that I want to have a bunch of kids, but no husband? Well, I am currently beginning my search for the man who will be the father of my bastard children...hencefourth to be called "The Stud".

I only want one Stud. Multiple Studs is far too complicated for me. Too much to keep track of. It's okay if The Stud and I are together. It would be nice if he wanted to be involved in the lives of his bastard children, but I don't expect any kind of financial contribution since I'll be doing well enough on my own. That part would be voluntary. He should be smart and good looking because I sure would hate to have dumb, ugly children!

My sister suggested a sperm bank. Strangely enough, you can order sperm from a sperm bank online! Just go through the catalogue, put in your credit card number, and UPS will send you a spermsicle in a few days.

I don't really like this option, though. Since I want my bastard children to all have the same father, I'd have to stockpile the entire supply from that one guy. And really, where does one keep something like that? I don't even like keeping meat in my freezer for more than a month.

The other problem is that I won't actually know this person. All I will know about them is their eye and hair color, heritage, and what field they work in. They could be very weird looking or have some major personality flaw. I'm not willing to swim in a gene pool like that.

Should I put an ad in the paper for applicants? Should I start by asking men I already know? So many decisions to make!

September 16, 2006 1:12pm

One more thing-

I think the reason that I mentioned DB is because that fuckin "Lips of an Angel" song is on all the time.

I hate, hate, hate that song with every fiber of my being.

Probably because I lived it, but from the other side. I was the girl on the other side of the door who didn't have a clue. I was the one being his from. I was the one being played for a fool.

I keep replaying that night over and over in my head. The night she showed up at the house demanding to see him. I should have thrown him out right there. I should have given him one hour to pack as much shit up as he could and get the hell out then, changed the locks in the morning.

But I didn't. I don't know why now. Maybe I wasn't strong enough to actually do it. Maybe I didn't want to believe any of it. Maybe I was too embarassed to have to tell people what happened and ignoring it seemed like a better option. Maybe I wasn't willing to give up on an 8 year relationship and an engagement that quickly.

Hindsight is 20/20. I could have and should have handled it differently. I should have kicked ass that night, but I didn't. I'm pissed that chance is gone and I won't get to redo it and get the upper hand.

I don't know what would make me feel better. Revenge? Justice? Getting the money back that is owed to me? Any of those would be a start, but probably wouldn't fix the damage that was done.

September 16, 2006 1:01pm

Saturday!

I love Satudays!

I've been kind of a lazy mess for the past two days. Haven't done a whole lot of school work, but I did manage to go grocery shopping, do laundry, mop the kitchen, and vacuum the first floor- so I guess that's progress.

Mike called me last night unexpectedly. I know I haven't mentioned him lately, but all seems to still be well there. I say he called unexpectedly because Fridays and weekends are usually busy for him at work so I normally only hear from him during the week. Anyway, it was a nice surprise. He's been having a tough time lately with some things and he sounded like himself again for the first time in a long time.

He's working out a time to come visit me. That would be nice.

I still have a hard time with how different my life is now than what I thought it would be. Even stranger for me is to be with Mike. Sometimes I actually feel guilty- like I'm doing something wrong. Maybe because we always had feelings for each other for so long, but never could act on them.

One thing that does make me feel better is that I didn't have to lie or cheat or deceive to be with him. Unlike the douche bag I was supposed to (barf) marry, this just happened because it was supposed to right now. I didn't have to hurt anyone to get here.

I still have angry moments over DB. I want him to hurt like I did. Most of all, I want him to understand that what he did was wrong. I don't think that will happen, though, because he doesn't think things on his own. Unless someone tells him it was wrong he will never see it himself. His family won't tell him because his psycho child-like mother is just happy to have her baby boy back home where he belongs that it never occurs to her she raised him to be emotionally 5 years old just like her. His father just stays out of the mess. His friends don't have enough character or backbone to tell him the truth.

I should get back to studying, or maybe I'll go for a walk and enjoy this beautiful day!

September 14, 2006 11:57am

Two days off from school..... so nice! No particular reason for the break, we just don't have classes today or tomorrow.

I have a friend back home who is sick. I've mentioned it before in here. He reads this blog so he knows I'm talking about him.

Anyway, I met him when I started working for him. It's because of him that I figured out what I really want to do as a career. It's because of him that I was able to do the really cool things I did. It's because of him that I feel confident that I'm actually good at something.

And now he's sick and I can't do a thing about it. It's frustrating because when someone has done so much for you (even if they don't know it), you want to return that somehow.

Me hurrying up and becoming a doctor isn't going to help much either so saying, "Well, you'll be a doctor and can help him." isn't a very logical answer though it is well intentioned.

Today is his birthday and he's in the hospital getting more chemo. I can't imagine spending my birthday like that. I know how bummed I was this year to spend my birthday not doing much of anything here, but I really have nothing to complain about.

If you want to know the rest of the story, his link is Local Rapscallion- it's on the right side of this screen also.

September 10, 2006 9:03pm

I'm tired of being here.

By "here" I mean a million miles from anything and anyone that matters to me. Well, not entirely true, I do have friends here, but for the most part I'm far from everyone I love.

Not that being "there" would help anything.

I'm just not much help to anyone.

September 7, 2006 9:06pm

WHEN BAD PEOPLE HAPPEN TO GOOD TATER TOTS
I tried to make tater tots for dinner tonight. I wanted them to be really crispy so I put them in the broiler.

Unfortunately, I didn't hear the timer go off and by the time I went downstairs, there was already a smoke condition in the kitchen.

This would be nothing more than an annoying incident if I hadn't just done the same thing to a tortilla yesterday. Not only did I kill the tortilla, but I also killed the toaster oven.


Two days of burnt food has given my apartment quite a smoky odor. Any idea how to get it out?

I've been leaving the windows open and running the AC as much as possible just to keep air circulating.

I hate this smell. It even made its way upstairs. The clothes I'm wearing now are covered in it...probably because this is what I was wearing when I pulled the flaming tots out of the oven and threw them in the garage.

This just hasn't been my week.

I keep oversleeping stuff. School, jujitsu, life in general. I can't seem to get enough sleep no matter how many naps I take.

September 4, 2006 9:21pm

Went in another cave with Georgina today. Here are some pictures...




This is Georgina sliding down the rocks because they were covered in slippery clay.


There were some pretty amazing formations in there.

And yes, that is a bike helmet. We wore them to keep from getting our heads whacked while getting through the tiny entrance....

Yes, I slid my fat ass through this.

We went down pretty deep, but I checkened out when it got particularly steep. Maybe if we had more people with us I would have been more comfortable with it. There was a waterfall somewhere down in there. I could hear it. Georgina said there is a room where people made gargoyles out of the clay that settled. Maybe I'll get there next time.

On the way back up, I became incredibly tired. I don't know if it's just being out of shape or if I was dehydrated, but I really didn't think I was going to make it. I just couldn't get enough air and my heart was racing. It was a very uncomfortable and scary experience.



Right now I am watching Wife Swap. Friends, why didn't any of you love me enough to introduce me to this chocolate covered ball of crazy goodness called Wife Swap?

Wife #1: Teacher, waitress, mom of 3.
Wife #2: Stay at home mome of 2 who homeschools her children.

On the surface this doesn't seem so bad. Wife #1 is a teacher so the homeschooling thing should be a snap. Wife #2 has been teaching her kids so she should be able to handle the classroom for a few days and every mom is a waitress to some degree.

Well, not quite. The catch is that Wife #2 is obsessed with the middle ages. She makes her family dress like court jesters, kings, princesses. Her "homeschooling" lessons include shoe making and medieval dance. Both are skills that I was sorely lacking when I got to college....and it showed!

So Wife #1 is awesome and she went into Family #2 to Reg-U-Late. She's got those kids back in real school, making friends, and got rid of the dungeons and dragons crap. Wife #1 isn't really getting the picture. Oh, she made them all eat dinner together which was nice.

I love seeing crazy families on TV. I especially like to see crazy women. Passive women are my favorite because they rile me up to no end.

Septemebr 2, 2006 11:09pm

To quote Jenny from Forrest Gump, "I have a virus."

Not the kind she had, though. I have a cold virus.

When I was a kid, I got colds all the time. I missed a lot of school. As I got older I managed to avoid them more and more. When everyone else around me would be sneezing, I'd be feeling great. The trade off is that when I do get sick I get horribly and miserably sick.

I woke up this morning and felt horribly and miserably sick. Tired, no energy, slightly nauseous, and sneezing uncontrollably. Why is it that when you sleep your nose doesn't run?

The mucus. If only the mucus would stop!

Around 10 tonight I decided I had to get out of here and get some things to improve my condition. So off I went to Wal Mart in search of Zicam, a body pillow, lip balm, and a thermometer.

This is where I'm going to mention how much I hate Wal Mart. My dislike of Wal Mart has nothing to do with how they pay their employees, health insurance, or anything else that gets most people all worked up. I hate it because I can never find anything I need there. If I go in for no marticular reason, I can find lots of stuff I want. But if I dare go in there with a list I can be sure almost nothing will be crossed off, or I'll spend an absurd amount of time trying to find what I'm looking for.

Tonight was one of those nights and I was NOT in the mood.

I should also mention that Wal Mart in Lewisburg, WV attracts some interesting characters after dark. I could walk around with Smith's Book of Human Malformations and make at least two dozen diagnoses.

But I digress. I didn't realize how lousy I felt until I realized I was actually using the cart to hold myself up. Not a good start. I head over to where the bedding stuff is to look for my body pillow. There is usually a large basket of them in the middle of the aisle. Tonight, however, it seemed to have been replaced by baby formula. No body pillows anywhere.

Then I went to the medicine area to find my Zicam and thermometer. Found the Zicam, but no thermometer. I walked up and down the aisles, but nothing. I asked someone. They went and asked someone else. Nobody knows where the thermometers are.

Headed back to the pillows area, determined to not strike out twice.

Asked for help. Nobody knows what happened to the body pillows either.

At this point I have spent far too much time in Wal Mart. I feel awful and am annoyed that I couldn't get what I needed.

Off to the checkout.

There are 19 checkout aisles in this Wal Mart. They have 2 open and the line is 5 deep at either one.

I finally get to pay and the lady does a double take when she looks at me and says, "Oh, wow, you look awful!"

Well, shit, compared to what? The freaks walking through here? I'm the only person (male or female) who isn't wearing a shirt that exposes their belly. I'm not wearing anything with holes or with camouflage. I bathed less than 12 hours ago. I have all of my teeth. I walk with a normal gait. I don't have any bizarre skin disease. My head and face are not dysmorphic. All of these features distinguish me from the other people there tonight.

And I look AWFUL?