I can't find my mother. This worries me. She's always home on Saturday nights and she isn't answering the phone. She doesn't carry a cell phone, so it's impossibl to track her down. I immediately start thinking the worst and work myself into a hissy of it.
I'm sure she'll turn up.
Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about how isolated I am and how it was that way for me even as a kid and as a teenager.
Then I got Abigail, my Golden Retriever. I was 12 and full of acne and awkwardness, she was 8 weeks old and had trouble controlling her stopping when she'd slide across the tarazzo floor in my parents' house.
She was my buddy. Wherever I went, she went. Whatever I did, she did. She was a good listener and a wonderful friend. If I was upset and crying in my room, she would run and get my mom.
Abby had a few behavior "issues", though. One was that we never broke her of jumping up on people until the arthritis in her hind legs got so bad that she just couldn't do it anymore. Probably our fault. Her other problem was that she was terrified of thunderstorms. She would be a wreck, and everyone else in the house would be going crazy because she wouldn't leave us alone. If it was nighttime, she would climb into my mom's bed and try to sit on her face. Abby would get really frustrated and try to dig herself a hole in the tile or tarazzo floors in the house. She failed miserably.
We finally had to start giving her tranquilizers when the thunderstorm approached. A whole pill turned out to be too much because she was zonked out for 48 hours. We tried a quarter of a pill, but the problem there was that she was conscious enough to know there was a thunderstorm, but didn't have the physical energy to freak out. This caused her to have an anxiety attack. Ever seen a dog have an anxiety attack? It looks just like when a human has one, but there's more drool.
Half a pill seemed to do the trick.
When I first got her, we kept her in a cage when nobody was home. My friends would tell me how cruel it was that we put her in a cage, but she didn't seem to mind it. When she would get sleepy, she would just climb into it at night herself as if it was her own little apartment. When she got older we stopped using the cage and she just slept wherever she landed for the night.
For the most part, she was a good dog. But when she was really young she liked to take off any chance she got. She always ran to the end of the driveway, put her front paws in front of her to go into a sliding stop, and then turn around and run back to the house.
It became a routine. I'd come home from school, put her on her leash, open the front door and she would take off like a bat out of hell to the end of the driveway, turn around, run back to me, and we'd go for a walk down the road. I lived on a dirty road with woods all around so there was plenty of fun places to explore with her.
The one day, when she was about 6 months old, the routine changed. I came home, put her on her leash, opened the door, she took off.....and kept going.
I saw her reach the end of the driveway with no plans of stopping. She made a quick right and started running down the road. I went chasing after her and yelling "Abigail! Abigail! Come back here!". Now I was starting to worry.
I ran all the way to the end of the road and I couldn't find her. She was missing. I was in a complete panic. I started running through the woods to find her, but I didn't see her there either. I ran back to the house, thinking that maybe she found her way back there, but no such luck.
I started crying and slowly walking down the road in the direction she ran. Paw prints! I saw paw prints in the dirt! I followed the paw prints almost to the end of the road where they suddenly stopped. They stopped right where some tire marks were. Oh no! She's been dognapped!
Ran back to the house with tears streaming down my face. I called the local police department and said something like this.... "Hi...I...um...::hiccup:: I was walking my...um ::hiccup::: dog in the dirt road and she...."
Dispatcher: Oh, honey, did you lose your dog?
Me: Ye-yes.
Dispatcher: We have her here. Can you come get her?
Me: O-O-Okay. ::hiccup:::
So I took another leash of hers and walked over to the police station. I walk in the front door and the woman at the desk directs me to the back.
Now, you have to understand that I grew up in a really small town. In area, it's less than 1 square mile. The police department has 11 officers. I know all of them.
She takes me into the back where the holding cells are. Not dog cages...human holding cells. They had two holding cells. In one was a very angry looking teeanger, in the other was someone sitting in a chair, and there was Abigail laying all curled up on the cot.
She saw me and slowly got off the cot and waited at the cell door for the lady to open it. She had her head down and she walked toward me with her head down and tail between her legs but wagging nervously.
Apparently, what happened was just as she took off down the road, a police office was driving through. She managed to catch up to his car and he took her back to the police station. They didn't have any cages for dogs, so they had to put her in a holding cell. Unfortunately, both holding cells were occupied with people waiting to be processed or taken to county jail or whatever it is that happens with them. So they put her in the one cell and when the guy got up off the cot she climbed onto it and wouldn't get off. The police just gave the man a chair and declared them cellmates until I came to retrieve the Retriever.
After a long lecture on the walk home, I think she understood that running away was not acceptable.
She never even went so much as out of the back yard without someone with her.
See, and who says jail isn't a deterrent?
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Friday, January 26, 2007
January 26, 2007 7:39pm
Feeling a little better today. I got some new orders from the doc.
I'm starting to realize just how isolated I am here. I have a few friends, but nobody I'm particularly close to. I'm very frustrated with how my classmates act.
Wednesday night I went out to dinner with some friends. From the second we sat down in the restaurant, the conversation revolved around how quickly could they get a drink and how drunk they wanted to get. The rest of the night was just stories about toilet bowl hugging moments.
I can't deal with that shit.
So, tonight, instead of going to the "girls night" potluck dinner, I'm sitting at home feeling very annoyed that this is what I'm stuck with here.
It's lonely, and I'm miserable.
I sit here now with my glass of wine and pizza and wonder why it is that I can't communicate with my peers. The therapist says that maybe I'm just at a different maturity level than them. I think I've spent so much of my life thinking that since I'm different there must be something wrong with me, that the idea that I'm different because I've grown up more is just hard to believe.
I am lonely, though. I just want some friends to hang out with. I don't even mean I want or need a boyfriend or man in my life. I just want a buddy down here.
I'm starting to realize just how isolated I am here. I have a few friends, but nobody I'm particularly close to. I'm very frustrated with how my classmates act.
Wednesday night I went out to dinner with some friends. From the second we sat down in the restaurant, the conversation revolved around how quickly could they get a drink and how drunk they wanted to get. The rest of the night was just stories about toilet bowl hugging moments.
I can't deal with that shit.
So, tonight, instead of going to the "girls night" potluck dinner, I'm sitting at home feeling very annoyed that this is what I'm stuck with here.
It's lonely, and I'm miserable.
I sit here now with my glass of wine and pizza and wonder why it is that I can't communicate with my peers. The therapist says that maybe I'm just at a different maturity level than them. I think I've spent so much of my life thinking that since I'm different there must be something wrong with me, that the idea that I'm different because I've grown up more is just hard to believe.
I am lonely, though. I just want some friends to hang out with. I don't even mean I want or need a boyfriend or man in my life. I just want a buddy down here.
Monday, January 22, 2007
January 22, 2006 7:53pm
I'm circling the drain. That's the best way I can come up with how to describe how I feel right now.
Made an appointment with the shrink for the end of the week.
Just feeling lousy. Keep thinking negatively. I'm so sick of this. I can't even pinpoint something that is bothering me or upsetting me. I spend an absurd amount of time worrying about things I have no control over. I worry about things that may or may not happen 5, 10, 15 or more years from now.
This has got to stop. It's keeping me from doing the things that I do have some control over.
Made an appointment with the shrink for the end of the week.
Just feeling lousy. Keep thinking negatively. I'm so sick of this. I can't even pinpoint something that is bothering me or upsetting me. I spend an absurd amount of time worrying about things I have no control over. I worry about things that may or may not happen 5, 10, 15 or more years from now.
This has got to stop. It's keeping me from doing the things that I do have some control over.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
January 18, 2007 1:15am
I'm considering renaming this blog "Adventures in Insomnia Land".
Even taking the Seroquel doesn't knock me out anymore. Nothing...absolutely nothing lets me sleep.
If I could just get out of my head at night, I might be able to catch a few winks.
I've always been a night owl. Even as a little kid I stayed up late. I was never a morning person, but I got up when I had to.
This is getting a little ridiculous, though. I can't get to sleep until after 4am. I'm fine to sleep until noon or 1. Unfortunately, I have to go to class.
Tomorrow I have to go an hour away to a clinic. I'm seeing patients with a doc there from 1-5 or whenever they are finished. I love getting to see patients, but I'm afraid I'm going to forget something or miss something or not know what's wrong with them.
I guess that's why I'm a medical student, though. Eh? To learn. If I miss something or get something wrong it's the doc's job to know that and teach me. If I knew everything and did everything correctly, there wouldn't be any point in me being in medical school. I could just hang out a shingle.
Ok, I feel better about that now.
Even taking the Seroquel doesn't knock me out anymore. Nothing...absolutely nothing lets me sleep.
If I could just get out of my head at night, I might be able to catch a few winks.
I've always been a night owl. Even as a little kid I stayed up late. I was never a morning person, but I got up when I had to.
This is getting a little ridiculous, though. I can't get to sleep until after 4am. I'm fine to sleep until noon or 1. Unfortunately, I have to go to class.
Tomorrow I have to go an hour away to a clinic. I'm seeing patients with a doc there from 1-5 or whenever they are finished. I love getting to see patients, but I'm afraid I'm going to forget something or miss something or not know what's wrong with them.
I guess that's why I'm a medical student, though. Eh? To learn. If I miss something or get something wrong it's the doc's job to know that and teach me. If I knew everything and did everything correctly, there wouldn't be any point in me being in medical school. I could just hang out a shingle.
Ok, I feel better about that now.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
January 16, 2007 9:18pm
Today was a great day, and there was absolutely no reason for it being so.
Last night was probably the worst night I've had sleeping in a long time. I finished all my school work relatively early, took a shower, got into my pj's, got comfy on the couch, took my sleep meds and waited for sleep to come.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
Finally got tired around 3am. Went up to bed. Read a little of my book. Laid there. Laid there. Couldn't get comfortable, but was so tired I could hardly move myself around.
Around 4am I got tired of that crap and brought my blanket and pillow downstairs. Cozied up on the couch again. Decided to be a little productive and do some board review questions, but since I was so mentally exhausted I couldn't concentrate on anything. Watched tv until 5:15am and was finally able to go to bed.
I had to get up at 8am for school. That sucked. Woke up late and tore out of here.
Now, here's what made today a great day.....
After class this morning (mandatory), I didn't just come home, roll onto the couch, and call it a day. That's what I've typically been doing lately. Or I've been just blowing off the entire morning, or the whole day. Thus leaving me home alone for more hours in the day and further perpetuating my feeling of isolation.
Nope. At noon I came home, made a quick lunch, took a shower, got dressed in a cute green skirt, a cream colored turtleneck, and my brown boots. I even put make-up on! Headed back to school for the rest of the afternoon.
Putting on nice clothes and make-up was psychological for me. It made me feel good to look good. It felt good to force myself to do something that was good for me, but not easy.
I still haven't made it back to my jujitsu class, but one thing at a time.
When I got home this afternoon, I crashed for a nap because of only having 3 hours of sleep last night. That's ok, though.
Did I mention that I started going to see a therapist? Well, I did. Going again tomorrow. I really like her. First, it's super easy to get an appointment and she has night hours which works well for my school schedule and my inabaility to be awake before noon most days.
She shoots straight with me. Doesn't spend an hour blowing smoke up my ass. In our first session, I told her my sob story of failed relationships. She was taking notes furiously and then looked up and said, "So, you're telling me you have a habit of picking men who have no balls?"
Um. I guess I do!
Time to hit the books!
Last night was probably the worst night I've had sleeping in a long time. I finished all my school work relatively early, took a shower, got into my pj's, got comfy on the couch, took my sleep meds and waited for sleep to come.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
Finally got tired around 3am. Went up to bed. Read a little of my book. Laid there. Laid there. Couldn't get comfortable, but was so tired I could hardly move myself around.
Around 4am I got tired of that crap and brought my blanket and pillow downstairs. Cozied up on the couch again. Decided to be a little productive and do some board review questions, but since I was so mentally exhausted I couldn't concentrate on anything. Watched tv until 5:15am and was finally able to go to bed.
I had to get up at 8am for school. That sucked. Woke up late and tore out of here.
Now, here's what made today a great day.....
After class this morning (mandatory), I didn't just come home, roll onto the couch, and call it a day. That's what I've typically been doing lately. Or I've been just blowing off the entire morning, or the whole day. Thus leaving me home alone for more hours in the day and further perpetuating my feeling of isolation.
Nope. At noon I came home, made a quick lunch, took a shower, got dressed in a cute green skirt, a cream colored turtleneck, and my brown boots. I even put make-up on! Headed back to school for the rest of the afternoon.
Putting on nice clothes and make-up was psychological for me. It made me feel good to look good. It felt good to force myself to do something that was good for me, but not easy.
I still haven't made it back to my jujitsu class, but one thing at a time.
When I got home this afternoon, I crashed for a nap because of only having 3 hours of sleep last night. That's ok, though.
Did I mention that I started going to see a therapist? Well, I did. Going again tomorrow. I really like her. First, it's super easy to get an appointment and she has night hours which works well for my school schedule and my inabaility to be awake before noon most days.
She shoots straight with me. Doesn't spend an hour blowing smoke up my ass. In our first session, I told her my sob story of failed relationships. She was taking notes furiously and then looked up and said, "So, you're telling me you have a habit of picking men who have no balls?"
Um. I guess I do!
Time to hit the books!
Sunday, January 14, 2007
January 14, 2007 8:45pm
Feeling pretty much ok today. If I could get my sleeping situation under control then I might be happier. Still up every night until 4am or later, and then sleep until 1 or 2pm.
I got a new printer. It's a Xerox color laser printer, copier, and scanner. It was delivered by FedEx on Friday. Unfortunately, they delivered it to the wrong place. I ALWAYS have a problem when FEDEx or DHL deliver anything to me. They're always bringing it to the wrong house. There's an estate on the other side of the highway with the same name as the road I live on. They just bring stuff there to this house instead of to me.
So Friday afternoon I was checking the FedEx tracking web site to see where my printer was. Around 4:30 I checked and it said it had been delivered at 1:30pm. Um. No. I would have noticed a 52lb box at my doorstep. So, I called FedEx and they said they would try to track down the driver and find out where it is.
10 minutes later my phone rings. I didn't recognize the name on the caller ID, but it was a local number.
Me: Hello?
Voice: Eh, hellooooo. Is this Miss Elizabeth M---?
Me: Yes
Voice: This is Miss Hamilton's aide. We have a package here for you. It is a very large package. Miss Hamilton would like you to retrieve it as soon as possible as it is in her foyer at the moment. Me: Oh, well, um, I think FedEx is going to pick it up and redeliver....
Voice: Nooooooo, I called them. They will not deliver it until Tuesday. Miss Hamilton will not be responsible for this item. As I said, it is very large. Could you please come get it?
Me: Well, er, sure.
Voice: Ehthank you.
Me: Wait!
Voice: EhYes?
Me: Where are you?
Voice: EhMiss Hamilton's house.
Me: Ok. And that is?
Voice: The Hamilton Estate
Me: Right. Um, and how do I get there?
Voice: You drive through the gates of the Hamilton Estate, past the caboose, up the winding road, and I will be waiting for you in the driveway.
Me: Ok, see, but I don't know where that is.
Voice: The Hamilton Estate.
Me: Yes.
Voice: Ok, then we shall be expecting you?
It was my own private Who's on First. For the Love of God and all that is Holy! Please just give me an address, a coordinate, a landmark. Anything!
Me: Ma'am?
Voice: Ehyes?
Me: I'm sorry, but I'm not very familiar with the area. I need directions to get to the Hamilton Estate.
Voice:Ehyou don't know the Hamilton Estate?
Me: No
Voice: Ehwell, it's the most well known property in the area.
Me: Really? I thought that wal Wal Mart (nervous giggle)
Voice:Ehno. You must drive north on the highway and make a left at the first break in the board fence. Then follow the directions I gave you through the property.
Me: Right. Ok. I'll be there shortly.
Jumped in the truck and found the famous (infamous) Hamilton Estate. Sure as shit, there was a bright yellow train caboose and a winding road. I pulled up to a house that looked like the one that Daddy Warbucks lived in. I expected Punjab to greet me at the door and levitate the box out to me.
No such luck. The BEWARE of DOG sign at the front gates were a bit intimidating, as well as the giant steel H's in the gates. I parked the truck and met the aide at the front door. The dog that I was supposed to beware of turned out to be a French Poodle. Ooooh, scary.
At this point, I'm thinking that the scene is just too unreal. I had just walked into a scene from Great Expectations. I was sure there would be an old woman in a wedding dress sitting at a dining room table, staring at a rotting wedding cake. Behold my future!
The aide helped me get the box outside and into my truck. She also asked that I please tell FedEx to stop delivering my packages to them. Sure, because I have so much control over that. You'd think that after the driver has had to retrieve packages from there at least 3 or 4 times now he/she would get the point. Guess not.
Got the printer all set up and I'm quite pleased with it.
At least I also got a good story out of it.
I got a new printer. It's a Xerox color laser printer, copier, and scanner. It was delivered by FedEx on Friday. Unfortunately, they delivered it to the wrong place. I ALWAYS have a problem when FEDEx or DHL deliver anything to me. They're always bringing it to the wrong house. There's an estate on the other side of the highway with the same name as the road I live on. They just bring stuff there to this house instead of to me.
So Friday afternoon I was checking the FedEx tracking web site to see where my printer was. Around 4:30 I checked and it said it had been delivered at 1:30pm. Um. No. I would have noticed a 52lb box at my doorstep. So, I called FedEx and they said they would try to track down the driver and find out where it is.
10 minutes later my phone rings. I didn't recognize the name on the caller ID, but it was a local number.
Me: Hello?
Voice: Eh, hellooooo. Is this Miss Elizabeth M---?
Me: Yes
Voice: This is Miss Hamilton's aide. We have a package here for you. It is a very large package. Miss Hamilton would like you to retrieve it as soon as possible as it is in her foyer at the moment. Me: Oh, well, um, I think FedEx is going to pick it up and redeliver....
Voice: Nooooooo, I called them. They will not deliver it until Tuesday. Miss Hamilton will not be responsible for this item. As I said, it is very large. Could you please come get it?
Me: Well, er, sure.
Voice: Ehthank you.
Me: Wait!
Voice: EhYes?
Me: Where are you?
Voice: EhMiss Hamilton's house.
Me: Ok. And that is?
Voice: The Hamilton Estate
Me: Right. Um, and how do I get there?
Voice: You drive through the gates of the Hamilton Estate, past the caboose, up the winding road, and I will be waiting for you in the driveway.
Me: Ok, see, but I don't know where that is.
Voice: The Hamilton Estate.
Me: Yes.
Voice: Ok, then we shall be expecting you?
It was my own private Who's on First. For the Love of God and all that is Holy! Please just give me an address, a coordinate, a landmark. Anything!
Me: Ma'am?
Voice: Ehyes?
Me: I'm sorry, but I'm not very familiar with the area. I need directions to get to the Hamilton Estate.
Voice:Ehyou don't know the Hamilton Estate?
Me: No
Voice: Ehwell, it's the most well known property in the area.
Me: Really? I thought that wal Wal Mart (nervous giggle)
Voice:Ehno. You must drive north on the highway and make a left at the first break in the board fence. Then follow the directions I gave you through the property.
Me: Right. Ok. I'll be there shortly.
Jumped in the truck and found the famous (infamous) Hamilton Estate. Sure as shit, there was a bright yellow train caboose and a winding road. I pulled up to a house that looked like the one that Daddy Warbucks lived in. I expected Punjab to greet me at the door and levitate the box out to me.
No such luck. The BEWARE of DOG sign at the front gates were a bit intimidating, as well as the giant steel H's in the gates. I parked the truck and met the aide at the front door. The dog that I was supposed to beware of turned out to be a French Poodle. Ooooh, scary.
At this point, I'm thinking that the scene is just too unreal. I had just walked into a scene from Great Expectations. I was sure there would be an old woman in a wedding dress sitting at a dining room table, staring at a rotting wedding cake. Behold my future!
The aide helped me get the box outside and into my truck. She also asked that I please tell FedEx to stop delivering my packages to them. Sure, because I have so much control over that. You'd think that after the driver has had to retrieve packages from there at least 3 or 4 times now he/she would get the point. Guess not.
Got the printer all set up and I'm quite pleased with it.
At least I also got a good story out of it.
Friday, January 12, 2007
January 12, 2007 2:49am
Friday. It's Friday.
And I'm still awake.
I'm watching Superman Returns. Not bad. Superman has a bastard son. Gotta love it! I want a Superman. No, actually I want Clark Kent. I want the dorky looking hottie who lives and breathes for me. I don't like how this movie ends. Superman and Lois should be together and raise their little bastard son like a real American alternative family. Geez.
In the mean time, I want a dog. I really, really, really want a dog. I had one when I was a kid. Her name was Abigail. I miss Abigail. I think about her a lot now, when I'm here alone and I just want a hug. Abby was always good for that. She was also a very good listener. Abby was a golden retriever. She had the softest hair, and the sweetest face.
So, I'm moving out of here in June and heading to a different town where I will start my 3rd year rotations. My mom is going to help me with the move since I'll also be studying for boards then. She agrees that a priority for me is to find an apartment that will let me have a dog. I'll be moving back to NJ for part of June to take my boards, so I might get one while I'm home from one of the shelters there. That way, the dog can get used to me spending long hours studying. PErhaps he or she can quiz me on topics? Well, that might be asking a bit much. I want a medium sized or big dog...like Abby was. Something I can get my arms around and hug and play with on the floor. I already have a name picked out. Socrates for a boy dog. Antigone for a girl dog.
For Christmas, my mom got me a stuffed dog. She even attached a Christmas card to him that reads, "Please give me a name. When you decide to get one of those smelly, panting, shedding things that cost a fortune at the vet, please don't forget about me. And remember, if you can't have the dog you love, love the dog you have. From _(name to be determined)_". I named him Plato.
I think having a buddy like that again will be good for me.
And I'm still awake.
I'm watching Superman Returns. Not bad. Superman has a bastard son. Gotta love it! I want a Superman. No, actually I want Clark Kent. I want the dorky looking hottie who lives and breathes for me. I don't like how this movie ends. Superman and Lois should be together and raise their little bastard son like a real American alternative family. Geez.
In the mean time, I want a dog. I really, really, really want a dog. I had one when I was a kid. Her name was Abigail. I miss Abigail. I think about her a lot now, when I'm here alone and I just want a hug. Abby was always good for that. She was also a very good listener. Abby was a golden retriever. She had the softest hair, and the sweetest face.
So, I'm moving out of here in June and heading to a different town where I will start my 3rd year rotations. My mom is going to help me with the move since I'll also be studying for boards then. She agrees that a priority for me is to find an apartment that will let me have a dog. I'll be moving back to NJ for part of June to take my boards, so I might get one while I'm home from one of the shelters there. That way, the dog can get used to me spending long hours studying. PErhaps he or she can quiz me on topics? Well, that might be asking a bit much. I want a medium sized or big dog...like Abby was. Something I can get my arms around and hug and play with on the floor. I already have a name picked out. Socrates for a boy dog. Antigone for a girl dog.
For Christmas, my mom got me a stuffed dog. She even attached a Christmas card to him that reads, "Please give me a name. When you decide to get one of those smelly, panting, shedding things that cost a fortune at the vet, please don't forget about me. And remember, if you can't have the dog you love, love the dog you have. From _(name to be determined)_". I named him Plato.
I think having a buddy like that again will be good for me.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
January 10, 2006 3:11pm
Writing early today.
The last few days have been sort of difficult for me. Not sure why. Just feeling low. Frustrated by the mess here, but I did spend some time putting things away and doing laundry.
I hate that I spend whole days being unhappy. I don't want to look back on my life and feel like I wasted a lot of time being miserable for no reason.
Sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm sad, sometimes I don't know how I feel. The whole thing just pisses me off.
I'm mad that I miss stuff about people who have hurt me. I'm mad that I miss the way the douche bag knew how to fix things...cars, the house, stereo. I'm mad that I miss finding things at the grocery store for him that he'd like. I'm mad at how I used to have fun with him no matter where we went or what we did. I'm mad at how mike and I used to such good friends, and now he's just gone with no reasonable explanation. I'm mad that I've had people in my life who I was good to and they treated me like shit and I didn't deserve it, but they tried to turn it on me to make themselves feel better.
I miss going to wall speedway and watching the races on saturday nights. I miss having someone to watch the race with me Sunday afternoon. I miss having a buddy who I could share stupid stuff with.
Ok, now I feel better.
On to nicer things. did I mention what eharmony dude #2's name was? Well, it's Roger. I think I must have had an odd tone in ym email to him yesterday, because this morning I had an email from him with the first line being "You sounded down, are you OK?" Shit, he's onto me. I'm a nut.
I just don't get excited about anything anymore. I need something to look forward to. Any ideas?
The last few days have been sort of difficult for me. Not sure why. Just feeling low. Frustrated by the mess here, but I did spend some time putting things away and doing laundry.
I hate that I spend whole days being unhappy. I don't want to look back on my life and feel like I wasted a lot of time being miserable for no reason.
Sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm sad, sometimes I don't know how I feel. The whole thing just pisses me off.
I'm mad that I miss stuff about people who have hurt me. I'm mad that I miss the way the douche bag knew how to fix things...cars, the house, stereo. I'm mad that I miss finding things at the grocery store for him that he'd like. I'm mad at how I used to have fun with him no matter where we went or what we did. I'm mad at how mike and I used to such good friends, and now he's just gone with no reasonable explanation. I'm mad that I've had people in my life who I was good to and they treated me like shit and I didn't deserve it, but they tried to turn it on me to make themselves feel better.
I miss going to wall speedway and watching the races on saturday nights. I miss having someone to watch the race with me Sunday afternoon. I miss having a buddy who I could share stupid stuff with.
Ok, now I feel better.
On to nicer things. did I mention what eharmony dude #2's name was? Well, it's Roger. I think I must have had an odd tone in ym email to him yesterday, because this morning I had an email from him with the first line being "You sounded down, are you OK?" Shit, he's onto me. I'm a nut.
I just don't get excited about anything anymore. I need something to look forward to. Any ideas?
Monday, January 08, 2007
January 8, 2007 1:25am
Back down in WV.
The drive was, of course, miserable because I hit the same rain that I had driving home two weeks ago. I hate driving in the rain. I think I actually prefer snow.
Unpacked the truck, but can't seem to pull myself together enough to unpack completely. All of my stuff is in the living room. A constant reminder of how lazy I am.
I called dude #2 while I was driving home. Had a nice long chat with him.
He really is a very nice guy.
But I'm still keeping my options open and emailed back some of my match and eharmony people. Dude #2 is currently in the lead. I like the way he lights up when I talk. I like how he is interested in the things I have to say.
Classes start tomorrow morning. I'm getting more and more tired of getting up in the morning and going to class. My attention span isn't that great, so I tend to lose interest about 10 minutes into class and start thinking about something else.
I got a Cuisinart food processor for Christmas. This thing is awesome! It does the typical food processing stuff, plus it works like a salad shooter by slicing vegetables up and also grating things like cheese.
I made some fab salads while I was home. I brought it down here with me so I can make all those things here. Briefly considered becoming a vegetarian, but decided that a new appliance is a bad reason to make a life choice like that.
Hope I can sleep well tonight. Feeling a little anxious about being here. Drowsy, but not sleepy. Having a TV in my bedroom at home helps because I put the sleep timer on and I fall asleep to the television. I don't have that here so I need to be about to drop before I hit the bedroom.
Go back to the therapist on Wednesday. I'm actually looking forward to that.
That's all for now!
The drive was, of course, miserable because I hit the same rain that I had driving home two weeks ago. I hate driving in the rain. I think I actually prefer snow.
Unpacked the truck, but can't seem to pull myself together enough to unpack completely. All of my stuff is in the living room. A constant reminder of how lazy I am.
I called dude #2 while I was driving home. Had a nice long chat with him.
He really is a very nice guy.
But I'm still keeping my options open and emailed back some of my match and eharmony people. Dude #2 is currently in the lead. I like the way he lights up when I talk. I like how he is interested in the things I have to say.
Classes start tomorrow morning. I'm getting more and more tired of getting up in the morning and going to class. My attention span isn't that great, so I tend to lose interest about 10 minutes into class and start thinking about something else.
I got a Cuisinart food processor for Christmas. This thing is awesome! It does the typical food processing stuff, plus it works like a salad shooter by slicing vegetables up and also grating things like cheese.
I made some fab salads while I was home. I brought it down here with me so I can make all those things here. Briefly considered becoming a vegetarian, but decided that a new appliance is a bad reason to make a life choice like that.
Hope I can sleep well tonight. Feeling a little anxious about being here. Drowsy, but not sleepy. Having a TV in my bedroom at home helps because I put the sleep timer on and I fall asleep to the television. I don't have that here so I need to be about to drop before I hit the bedroom.
Go back to the therapist on Wednesday. I'm actually looking forward to that.
That's all for now!
Friday, January 05, 2007
January 5, 2006 2:06am
So, date #2 with eharmony dude #2 happened tonight.
I had him come down to where I live. I felt he was safe enough. So we went out for sushi, I showed him the area, and then we came back to my house to open a bottle of wine and play some pool.
The evening went well. I had a good time.
He wants to see me again, but I don't think I can really pull that off since I'm leaving Sunday morning and I still need to pack and run some errands.
He smells good. Really good.
I had him come down to where I live. I felt he was safe enough. So we went out for sushi, I showed him the area, and then we came back to my house to open a bottle of wine and play some pool.
The evening went well. I had a good time.
He wants to see me again, but I don't think I can really pull that off since I'm leaving Sunday morning and I still need to pack and run some errands.
He smells good. Really good.
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