December 23, 2005 1:15am

So, my last block exam is in a few hours. Then, I can head home.

I can't say I really put a lot of effort into this anatomy exam.

So, my thoughts for tonight.....

I don't "get" people. Friends, family, whoever. I just don't get them. Nobody ever acts the way I think they will or the way I want them to. And I know that's just how life is, but other people don't seem bothered by this.

Maybe their expectations are lower.

Maybe mine are too high.

I don't understand why people act the way they do. Why is everything a crisis? Why does everyone seem slightly juvenile?

I wish my life was like a sit-com. Seriously. I could write it. It would be spattered with fun and games, but every Christmas there would be one "very special" episode where I found out how everyone feels about me. It would be very emotional and over in 30 minutes.

Classy. I like that word. That's what I aspire to be. Classy with a little bit of edge. That's why I order Grey Goose Vodka tonics when I go out. That's why I'm 5' 8'' and wear 3'' heels. That's why I like to talk politics, philosophy, and racing. That's why I work in the dirt at a race track but clean up oh so well. That's why I know how to order off a wine list and why I don't mind paying for dinner. That's why I like expensive clothes, but always find the bargain. That's why deep down I want to be the center of attention, but always find a way to do it that isn't obvious.

Mix one part Champagne, one part grain alcohol, and two parts snotty intellectual. That's me. The whiskey cuts down on the snottyness.

Never, ever lose the edge. Just ask anyone who has ever been Martinized. I am, without a shadow of a doubt, my father's daughter. Same 'tude. Same temper.

Except I've got that class/edge balance a little better. His was tipped in favor of the edge. He used his class as a weapon.

Who else is like me?

I end up feeling out of place a lot. Square peg and all. Not the best feeling, but not the worst knowing I come out on top usually. But it's lonely at the top.

Sometimes I think maybe my peers need to grow into how I am. Not that I'm above everyone. Just that I'm in a different place socially, emotionally, professionally.

How did I get here?

Years and years of observation. Looking at the best and worst characteristics of others. Contemplation. Deciding how I want to live. I think most people just jump in, while I'm a little more methodical. Even down to everything I say.

I think poor Ryan is along for an interesting ride.


Time for some sleep. I have a long day tomorrow!