October 31, 2006 11:49pm

I went over to Maria's place tonight for dinner and to hang out with the girls before they went off to the halloween party (that I refused to participate in).

We had some interesting conversations.

Why to intelligent, attractive women stay in bad relationships that are doomed? Why set themselves up for problems? Why be with men who treat them so badly?

It makes me sad.

But somewhat comforted. At least I'm not the only one.

I know better now, though.

I've been getting to sleep every night and that has been just wonderful!

But the pills I have are 50mg and I take 25mg. This would be much easier if the pills were scored, but they aren't. so I end up with a little pile of dust and crumbs when I cut it. Then I'm trying to make a little pile of the dust and crumbs and figuring out the best way to consume it.

I look like a coke head with my little pile of white powder.

Tomorrow is another day.

October 25, 2006 11:17pm

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. I usually can't get to bed until 3 or 4 in the morning and even if I sleep for 12 hours I'm tired all day.

So when I went to see the psychiatrist yesterday I asked him what I should do. I assumed he'd give me Ambien or Lunesta or one of those nice drugs that have commercials on TV. Nope, he hands me some free sample boxes of something called Seroquel.

Seroquel is an anti-psychotic with an off albel use as a sleep aid. I was a little hesitant about taking it. He told me to take half a pill, which is 25mg. The "standard" dose, when used for someone who is schizophrenic, can be up to 400mg.

My little half of a pill practically put me in a coma. I had to crawl up the stairs to get into bed. Even when I got up this morning I couldn't walk a straight line.

That is some powerful shit! I can't imagine giving someone 400mg of that. It sure as hell would probably kill me!

Yesterday and today were okay days. Got work done. Well, a little at least. Haven't been feeling as awful as most days.

I'm frustrated with my memory and concentration. My head just isn't as clear as it used to be. Ever since this mess started for me, I really haven't been able to focus on anything.

I want my head back!

October 22, 2006 4:12am

Saturday was very bad.

Actually, as far as I see it Saturday is till here because I haven't gone to bed yet.

I don't know why this is happening to me. I don't know why I deserve this. I don't know why I have to be like this.

I want someone to put their arms around me and let me cry for as long as I want to- until I fall asleep and sleep and sleep until I can't possibly sleep anymore. Sleep and sleep without waking up in a panic. Sleep until I feel rested. Sleep without dreams.

Sleep.

Sleep in the comfort of my bed knowing that even if I did fall apart again I could just go back to sleep.

It's 4:20am. I want to throw up. I keep telling myself that this is all in my head, but my stomach does not seem to believe that.

My stomach, my legs, my chest. Nothing is operating properly. I'm angry. I want to be mean to someone who doesn't deserve it just so they can feel like I do.

Can't do that. That isn't me.

None of this is me. I don't recognize myself. I look in the mirror and am not sure who I am anymore. Tired. Clothes don't fit properly. Sickly looking.

This is crazy. I'm going crazy.

Lack of sleep isn't helping.

This is a nightmare. Maybe I am asleep and I am having a nightmare. Maybe the last month has been a nightmare. Or maybe the last year. The last ten years. Yes, that would be ideal. I'm going to wake up suddenly and realize I'm still 15 years old and everything is still wonderful and I'll know what to do and how to avoid mistakes and how to keep from getting hurt.

I want to wake up.

October 20, 2006 11:09pm

Ever just want to hit something?

Looking over my posts of the last few weeks, I think some explanation is necessary.

I've been sort of spiraling into what I like to think of as "my nutty episode" for months now. I've just finally hit bottom.

I found a psychistrist in town. The official diagnosis is "Major Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder." I like having a label for what's happening to me. It lets me put this part of my life into a nice little box so that one day I can look back on it and refer to it as the "Major Depression and GAD of 2006."

It's really hard to describe it without sounding sorry for myself, or being irreverant like a Nora Ephram book.

I think the low point- the absolute low point was when I was just decompensating for absolutely no reason. This was happening every day and multiple times in each day. There wasn't even something specific that would trigger it. I would just go from normal to totally inconsolable- crying, screaming- in a few seconds.

It got so bad that when I wasn't having an episode, I was worrying about when the next one would happen. I always managed to not embarass myself in public. I was able to hold it together just long enough until I could be in the car or back at my place.

Logically, I should have just called someone to talk to, but in that moment it felt like there was nobody in the world. It ended in me sitting on the floor with a blanket in the dark, saying to a dark room, "Somebody please help me."

It's better now since I went and got some help. I don't have the daily meltdowns.

I can't really explain or even understand why this happened to me. Maybe it's years worth of stuff catching up to me. Maybe it's a combination of random crappy stuff and stress.

I just want it to be over. I'm very impatient when it comes to my health.

October 19, 2006 10:39pm

I'm pissed at myself for not enjoying my life more.

Things aren't that bad, so I shouldn't feel the way I do.

It's lonely here.

Go back to see the dr next week. Not sure what to say. Am I better? Sort of? Not melting down like I was, but not particularly happy.

This isn't supposed to happen to me. I'm tough as nails. I can handle anything.

Guess not.

October 17, 2006 3:12pm

I have a friend who is afraid of spiders. Not in the way that most girls are afraid of spiders, though. She is only afraid of the huge ones that are in her apartment.

Last week one night, she called me because there was a spider she had been trying to kill, but couldn't. The fear of the spider overwhelmed her so much that she was in tears.

I started to realize that fears, regardless of what they are of, are very real. Her fear of spiders is as real as my fear of failure and loneliness. It's a paralyzing fear that can't be overcome with rational judgment. If it were that easy, I could just give myself a pep talk and move on.

So when my mother (who, incidentally, was here all weekend) says things like, "Well, you just need to stop thinking so negatively and accept that things don't always work out the way you plan." I get really frustrated because it isn't as simple as just stopping negative thoughts.

That's like saying to an alcoholic, "So just quit drinking if you know it's bad for you."

It sounds easy to anyone who isn't there. And it doesn't make a damn bit of sense to someone who isn't there.

Actually, it doesn't make any sense to me either.

At least I can admit to being irrational.

I have a need to keep control over things in my life. I have a need to plan my life out in 10 year blocks.

I feel like if I don't do that then everything will just be a huge mess.

Maybe life is a mess anyway.

How can I plan my life out for the next 10 years when I have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow? I could get a brain tumor and then the next 10 years are totally irrelevant.

Frustrating.

October 12, 2006 11:39pm

Good days and bad- seems to be the story of my life these days.

My mom is coming tomorrow to stay for the weekend. It will be nice to have some company.

Today is a rough day, not sure why.

Decided to take a "mental health day" and stay home.

Watching the Food Network right now.

I want to cook for someone. Want to come over?

October 10, 2006 4:14pm

One of the benefits of having a total life meltdown is that you lose your appetite and lose 10 pounds.

The down side is that none of the clothes fit properly now. I had to go and get some belts, but that just makes my pants bunch up because of the extra material.

I haven't decided yet if I want to try and gain the weight back, or keep it off.

Decisions decisions.

I have pertussis, or at least I think I do. More commonly known as "whooping cough". I had what I thought was a bad cold a few weeks ago and now I am left with a horrible, spasmotic cough that gets worse at night.

It's been a fun few weeks.

October 8, 2006 10:46pm

Feeling better tonight. Not sure why. Just have a more positive outlook on things.

It seems like forever until I get to be home again for good. I wish I could speed it up a little.

Anyway, that's all I have to say for tonight. I'm a little sleepy. I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm doing better. :-)

October 4, 2006 9:59pm

Thanks to all for your kind words and support.

The rut I'm in isn't all related to Mike. That's only a small part of it. It's a year's worth of crappy things that are finally all catching up with me.

It's a combination of anxiety and depression that I'm just now really starting to feel. I've probably had it most of my life to some degree, but the circumstances of the past 9 or 10 months have really made it worse.

My heart starts racing, my chest feels like it's going to cave in, and for a few hours I feel like nothing will ever be good again. No relationship, no friendship, nothing will ever be good because I will always always keep getting hurt. Then it passes and I wait in fear of the next episode.

I'm working on getting it under control now.

Not easy, though.

October 3, 2006 8:08pm

I'm starting to become one of "those women".

One of those women who looks at herself in the mirror and thinks she's just too ugly to love. One of those women who thinks she'll never be happy. One of those women who is sure she'll be alone for the rest of her life.

I hate being one of those women.

It's turning me into a paranoid psycho who can't deal with normal life.

This is not me. This is not the person I have always been.

But maybe that's because I had something in life that gave me some sense of security.

Seriously, what is so wrong with me? What makes me so horrible to be with? You'd think men would be all interested in me...I'm going to be a docto, I have a house, I don't demand a whole lot of attention, I can buy my own jewelry.

Yet they seem to be more interested in the chick with the skinny nose at the bar who is wearing the corset and tight jeans and giggles a lot.

Maybe it's an age thing?

How can the same thing happen to me twice in one year?

Am I cursed?

Just unlucky?

When will it turn around?

October 1, 2006 9:22pm

I have never slept so much or so hard as I have these past two days.

Getting some help with the anxiety.

Went out Friday night. I had a good time. Actually, I was surprised that so many people were happy to see me out.

I've lost some weight over the past few weeks from not eating.

I'm starting to shut down, which isn't good either.

Also getting a cold.