So, my last block exam is in a few hours. Then, I can head home.
I can't say I really put a lot of effort into this anatomy exam.
So, my thoughts for tonight.....
I don't "get" people. Friends, family, whoever. I just don't get them. Nobody ever acts the way I think they will or the way I want them to. And I know that's just how life is, but other people don't seem bothered by this.
Maybe their expectations are lower.
Maybe mine are too high.
I don't understand why people act the way they do. Why is everything a crisis? Why does everyone seem slightly juvenile?
I wish my life was like a sit-com. Seriously. I could write it. It would be spattered with fun and games, but every Christmas there would be one "very special" episode where I found out how everyone feels about me. It would be very emotional and over in 30 minutes.
Classy. I like that word. That's what I aspire to be. Classy with a little bit of edge. That's why I order Grey Goose Vodka tonics when I go out. That's why I'm 5' 8'' and wear 3'' heels. That's why I like to talk politics, philosophy, and racing. That's why I work in the dirt at a race track but clean up oh so well. That's why I know how to order off a wine list and why I don't mind paying for dinner. That's why I like expensive clothes, but always find the bargain. That's why deep down I want to be the center of attention, but always find a way to do it that isn't obvious.
Mix one part Champagne, one part grain alcohol, and two parts snotty intellectual. That's me. The whiskey cuts down on the snottyness.
Never, ever lose the edge. Just ask anyone who has ever been Martinized. I am, without a shadow of a doubt, my father's daughter. Same 'tude. Same temper.
Except I've got that class/edge balance a little better. His was tipped in favor of the edge. He used his class as a weapon.
Who else is like me?
I end up feeling out of place a lot. Square peg and all. Not the best feeling, but not the worst knowing I come out on top usually. But it's lonely at the top.
Sometimes I think maybe my peers need to grow into how I am. Not that I'm above everyone. Just that I'm in a different place socially, emotionally, professionally.
How did I get here?
Years and years of observation. Looking at the best and worst characteristics of others. Contemplation. Deciding how I want to live. I think most people just jump in, while I'm a little more methodical. Even down to everything I say.
I think poor Ryan is along for an interesting ride.
Time for some sleep. I have a long day tomorrow!
Friday, December 23, 2005
Sunday, December 18, 2005
December 18, 2005 11:25pm
I'm tired and I wanna go home....
I miss home. As busy as I am, it's kind of lonely here. I'm not really sure where I fit in, if at all.
I miss my friends. I think I've always been closer to my friends than my own family. At least, I always had more of a life with my friends. So I miss that now that I'm not home. I had a nice little groove in my life. People in town know me. The pharmacist always says "Hey Elizabeth". I had "groups" of people who knew me and I could socialize with even if they weren't actually friends. I had a job or two and friends there.
A groove. I've lost my groove. It was a comfortable groove. Not very wide. Just wide enough for me to ride in. I want my groove back!
I'm afraid that when I go home I won't be able to jump right in where I left off. I already know it won't be entirely the same. Ryan and I have a house now so I won't be going home to our cramped apartment. I'm kind of sad about that. I didn't get a chance to say "goodbye" to our first place together. The day I left we got in a fight in the parking lot.
I grew up in a house where there were no other kids. There weren't any kids on my street. I didn't even know there were others in my town until I was in the 5th grade. So it was kind of a lonely existance. I like being surrounded by people now. I like having things to do and people to see. But, down here I don't have that.
No groove.
I miss home. As busy as I am, it's kind of lonely here. I'm not really sure where I fit in, if at all.
I miss my friends. I think I've always been closer to my friends than my own family. At least, I always had more of a life with my friends. So I miss that now that I'm not home. I had a nice little groove in my life. People in town know me. The pharmacist always says "Hey Elizabeth". I had "groups" of people who knew me and I could socialize with even if they weren't actually friends. I had a job or two and friends there.
A groove. I've lost my groove. It was a comfortable groove. Not very wide. Just wide enough for me to ride in. I want my groove back!
I'm afraid that when I go home I won't be able to jump right in where I left off. I already know it won't be entirely the same. Ryan and I have a house now so I won't be going home to our cramped apartment. I'm kind of sad about that. I didn't get a chance to say "goodbye" to our first place together. The day I left we got in a fight in the parking lot.
I grew up in a house where there were no other kids. There weren't any kids on my street. I didn't even know there were others in my town until I was in the 5th grade. So it was kind of a lonely existance. I like being surrounded by people now. I like having things to do and people to see. But, down here I don't have that.
No groove.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
December 17, 2005 2:32pm
Today would have been my dad's birthday. Yup.
I've been thinking about away messages today. Mine are usually song lyrics, a quote, or a "where I am" note should I be concerned that someone is looking for me.
So why do people pick the away messages that they do? To be profound? To be random? To be funny? It should be all of the above! If someone is going to take the time to right click on your screen name, you should give them something worth reading.
When I put up song lyrics, I try to use something that conveys what I'm feeling or thinking at the time. Yeah it's corny, but it makes it a little bit more of a mystery than just "I'm sad because..." or "I'm happy because..." or "Sweet Jesus I hate life!" What would be the fun in that? More importantly, if I just put up any random thing then I'm serenading the world and not really conveying a message.
But what is the point of an away message? I don't put a note on my front door with song lyrics or philosophical quotes on it. So why do it on the computer? I think that's where the mystery comes in. You want to tell people something without coming right out and saying it. An away message is the perfect way to do it.
It could be that I just put way too much thought into all of this and everyone else just puts up whatever random thing comes into their head, or whatever song is stuck in their head. Since commercial jingles are pretty commonly burned into our minds, why isn't that a typical away message? I don't wanna grow up. I'm a Toys R Us Kid or that Vonnage song. But I guess that would be too hard to type since whistles don't come across well in text.
Back to Biochem studying....
I've been thinking about away messages today. Mine are usually song lyrics, a quote, or a "where I am" note should I be concerned that someone is looking for me.
So why do people pick the away messages that they do? To be profound? To be random? To be funny? It should be all of the above! If someone is going to take the time to right click on your screen name, you should give them something worth reading.
When I put up song lyrics, I try to use something that conveys what I'm feeling or thinking at the time. Yeah it's corny, but it makes it a little bit more of a mystery than just "I'm sad because..." or "I'm happy because..." or "Sweet Jesus I hate life!" What would be the fun in that? More importantly, if I just put up any random thing then I'm serenading the world and not really conveying a message.
But what is the point of an away message? I don't put a note on my front door with song lyrics or philosophical quotes on it. So why do it on the computer? I think that's where the mystery comes in. You want to tell people something without coming right out and saying it. An away message is the perfect way to do it.
It could be that I just put way too much thought into all of this and everyone else just puts up whatever random thing comes into their head, or whatever song is stuck in their head. Since commercial jingles are pretty commonly burned into our minds, why isn't that a typical away message? I don't wanna grow up. I'm a Toys R Us Kid or that Vonnage song. But I guess that would be too hard to type since whistles don't come across well in text.
Back to Biochem studying....
Thursday, December 15, 2005
December 15, 2005 5:40pm
Blook week is about to start. There's something about having to study for 6 tests in a row that makes me what to do anything but that. I do, however, always manage to expand my music collection around this time. After all, I need some good study music, right?
At the moment I'm listening to O.A.R., Coldplay, Ben Lee, and Dispatch. Not at the same time, of course, because that would be confusing.
Brooke: "I start to like a band at around their 3rd album. That gives me just enough material to obsess over until their 4th album comes out and then they break up."
That sounds about right.
I'm happiest when I find a band that the whole world hasn't jumped on yet. Perhaps if I drove a Jetta I would feel differently, but (see my last post) I'm just one of those odd people who doesn't always want to fit a mold.
Speaking of Jettas, I'm not getting one. But, I am getting a new truck. A GMC Sierra 2400HD Crew Cab with the Turbo Diesel Engine. Vroom Vroom! My mother suggested we just get me a flatbed trailer to drive around in since I insist on getting absurdly huge vehicles. Not funny.
I should be able to get it over my Christmas break as long as the dealership can find one in an acceptable color.
I must get back to studying.
At the moment I'm listening to O.A.R., Coldplay, Ben Lee, and Dispatch. Not at the same time, of course, because that would be confusing.
Brooke: "I start to like a band at around their 3rd album. That gives me just enough material to obsess over until their 4th album comes out and then they break up."
That sounds about right.
I'm happiest when I find a band that the whole world hasn't jumped on yet. Perhaps if I drove a Jetta I would feel differently, but (see my last post) I'm just one of those odd people who doesn't always want to fit a mold.
Speaking of Jettas, I'm not getting one. But, I am getting a new truck. A GMC Sierra 2400HD Crew Cab with the Turbo Diesel Engine. Vroom Vroom! My mother suggested we just get me a flatbed trailer to drive around in since I insist on getting absurdly huge vehicles. Not funny.
I should be able to get it over my Christmas break as long as the dealership can find one in an acceptable color.
I must get back to studying.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
December 13, 2005 12:30pm
I decided to move this to Blogger.com since it's easier to make changes. Also, people can leave comments. Not that I expect to establish a large following, but if someone I know stumbles upon this they can leave a note.
So...on to today's thoughts....
Women annoy me. Not all women, just most. And, yes, I know I am one so I should have more love for the sisterhood or whatever. But, I don't. Women just plain annoy me. The majority of women are generic. They are all the same. God forbid they do anything to be different. This is particularly true when it comes to how they act around men. Bat their eyes, flip their hair, giggle a lot, touch everyone and everything in sight. Don't have too many opinions of your own. No! Never! Someone might actually think that you have active brain cells. How humiliating!
The sad thing is that being generic seems to be the way to find a guy. The more you bat your eyes, flip your hair, giggle, and otherwise put as little difference as possible between you and a suped-up Tickle Me Elmo the better your chances are of finding a date.
Why is that? Is this what men really want? Is anything other than a Femme-Bot too intimidating to handle? Or is the threat of rejection higher so it isn't worth trying?
These women have lowered the standard and set it at the same time. It makes me sad, in a way. Maybe they wouldn't all be so generic if it wasn't rewarded the way it is. The frightening thing is that I see it even now, in medical school. A group of women who are highly educated, intelligent, and driven. Yet they still do whatever they can to be exactly like every other woman in the country.
Maybe I just like to stick out. :-)
So...on to today's thoughts....
Women annoy me. Not all women, just most. And, yes, I know I am one so I should have more love for the sisterhood or whatever. But, I don't. Women just plain annoy me. The majority of women are generic. They are all the same. God forbid they do anything to be different. This is particularly true when it comes to how they act around men. Bat their eyes, flip their hair, giggle a lot, touch everyone and everything in sight. Don't have too many opinions of your own. No! Never! Someone might actually think that you have active brain cells. How humiliating!
The sad thing is that being generic seems to be the way to find a guy. The more you bat your eyes, flip your hair, giggle, and otherwise put as little difference as possible between you and a suped-up Tickle Me Elmo the better your chances are of finding a date.
Why is that? Is this what men really want? Is anything other than a Femme-Bot too intimidating to handle? Or is the threat of rejection higher so it isn't worth trying?
These women have lowered the standard and set it at the same time. It makes me sad, in a way. Maybe they wouldn't all be so generic if it wasn't rewarded the way it is. The frightening thing is that I see it even now, in medical school. A group of women who are highly educated, intelligent, and driven. Yet they still do whatever they can to be exactly like every other woman in the country.
Maybe I just like to stick out. :-)
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