December 31, 2006 10:41pm

Happy New Year! It's the last few hours of 2006.

My biggest challenge with every new year is remembering to write a new number on checks.

Okay, I wasn't going to say anything......

but......

I had a date last night.

Yes, a real date. A real live date. Like the kind of date that real grown-ups go on. Not like in high school where someone says "Will you go out with me?" and it means that you are boyfriend/girlfriend, but no actual dating occurs right away. And not the kind of dating where you're friends for a long time and then suddenly have a long passionate kiss while fireworks go off in the background.

This was a real date with someone I don't know very well.

Eharmony dude #2 to be exact.

Before I go into the details, I just want to note that on Dick Clark's/Ryan Seacrest's New Years Rockin Eve, many people in Times Square are standing there holding these large, red phallic looking objects. WTF is up with that?

Anyway, now the good stuff....

We had talked on the phone a few times and we were both eager to meet in person for a while now. So we decided that Saturday would be the day. He offered to drive down near where I am in NJ (he lives about an hour and a half north of me in NJ), but I wanted to meet halfway because if I didn't like him I would feel bad that he came so far.

He mapped out where halfway would be and suggested that we meet at the Menlo Park mall in Edison, NJ. I met him at Barnes and Noble at 5:00 last night. He greeted me with a hug. I was starving, so we went next door to the Cheesecake Factory. Of course, it was an hour wait. That gave us time to talk, though. Conversation was great. He laughed at all my jokes. Asked lots of questions about me. Dinner was great.

Then we went for a walk in the mall and to get some coffee. Sat at Starbucks and talked for a while longer. We got kicked out when the mall closed. He walked me to my truck.

And he ain't a bad kisser either. :-)

Ok, he did say something really sweet. He said the he thinks I am a beautiful and amazing woman and he wants to get to know me better.

And, like I said, ain't a bad kisser either. I gave him one good one. He came back for 3 more, but just got pecks.

Oh I'm so good!

December 29th, 2006 8:18pm

Today was my mom's birthday. We got a limo, went to lunch at the Highlawn Pavillion, and took a trip down memory lane...errrr.....my mom's old neighborhood she grew up in. My two aunts came with us. It was a nice day.

So today I've been thinking about New Years resolutions.

My first is to stop binge eating late at night. That's when my anxiety level is the highest and I tend to binge at night on whatever crap I can get my hands on.

Number two: Don't be afraid to get help when I need it.

Number three: Be more assertive (that's what the therapist told me to say).

Number four: Go back to jujitsu class and let out some of that anger in a more productive way

Number five: pass my boards that I'm taking this summer.

I'm taking my board exam this summer. It's the first of three exams to get my license. It is in the best interest of all my friends to help me pass these tests because if I get my license I can write prescriptions!

Number six: Calm the fuck down! Stop worrying about stuff I have no control over. Stop worrying about tomorrow, or, as the therapist says, "Stop borrowing trouble."

I think that's enough for now.

December 28, 2006 1:33am

I hope everyone had a very very Merry Merry!

Mine was fabulous. Did tons of cooking. I had a blast. My family is apparently very picky when it comes to food, so with each course I got to hear "Oh, I don't eat that, but it looks good."

I should've shoved a salad fork up someone's ass.

That was the only bright spot. I hosted Christmas Eve dinner at my house so I got to use all the fancy utensils I had. Christmas Day was at my mom's, but I did the cooking there too.

I got a cuisinart food processor, a wusthof sankotu knife, some pajamas, and some gift certificates.

Now I have to start dieting because I ate too too much.

Being back in NJ makes me happy. I feel good right now. I feel like myself again. Ugh, I wish I could do the rest of this year from this house.

December 18, 2006 2:16am

Someone today told me that I should smile more. How does this look?

When I was a kid, I never showed my teeth when I smiled. The reason is because when I was in kindergarden, we got pictures taken at school and my grandmother didn't like how mine came out.

She didn't like them because my teeth were showing in the picture and she thought the pictures could be better. We went back to the photographer and he redid them. She even showed him a picture of me (taken by a photographer) from when I was 3. No teeth showing, but it was one of those smile/giggle smiles that you can really only do well when you're little.

I remember on our way over to the photographer, she reminded me over and over not to show my teeth in the picture. She made me practice a few times before we went just how I was going to smile.

The photographer didn't understand what was "wrong" with the pictures, but he retook them anyway. He kept telling me to smile bigger, but I was scared to because my grandmother was standing right there watching.

I had new, toothless pictures taken and all was well with the world.

Forever and ever after that, I always thought that teeth should not be shown in pictures. In fact, I thought they shouldn't be shown at all. Add to that the fact that I was very self conscious about the gap between my two front teeth. Whenever I smiled, I was always careful to keep my teeth covered. Sometimes I would slip up and smile really big, but then I'd remember the "no teeth" rule and retract it a bit.

But today, someone told me I should smile more often.

So here it is. What do ya think?

December 16, 2006 2:42am

The good, the bad, and the stuff I'm not sure about....

Let's start with the good: One more week of school and I'm done for Christmas break. I gave a lecture this week on Wednesday on disaster preparedness in hospitals. I did it at lunchtime. Had a lot of people there! I forgot how much I enjoyed doing that kind of work. Made me really happy to see so many people interested. It's been especially gratifying to have not only classmates, but also faculty come up to me and tell me how much they enjoyed it and how informative it was. And I wrote it all by meself! Well, mostly. I had some stuff left over from old lectures. But still, it was mostly me!

All of my Christmas shopping is done. I just have to wrap everything and I'm set.

I made an appointment to get my back "worked on" next week on Thursday by one of the docs from school. I've had chronic lower back pain since I was...oh...16. Went to an orthopedic surgeon, x-rays showed nothing, went to physical therapy. Nothing worked. I've just lived with it. It's always bad, but periodically gets worse. I haven't been able to sleep on my back in years. I can only sleep on my side with my hips flexed 90 degrees. If I stand up straight or sit up straight it hurts. The most comfortable position for me is curled in the fetal position, or (if sitting) shoulders slumped over so that my back is rounded out. This puts strain on my upper back...and a vicious cycle ensues.

Yes, yes, I know it isn't a very big deal and I shouldn't bitch. but I'm excited that I took the initiative to get some help with it. After a year and a half of osteopathy, I was able to diagnose myself. The pain has been getting worse the last few weeks so I'm excited to get it fixed!

The bad: Having a lousy night for no particular reason. Maybe I'm a little overwhelmed. I don't know. Been getting upset out of nowhere a lot lately.

Bachelor #1 turned out to be a little strange. Last time we spoke, he told me this story about his abusive father and how he would threaten the neighbors with a bat. And then how the dad shot a dog with a pellett gun one day for pooping on their lawn. I abruptly ended the conversation and haven't returned his 2 calls since. I feel bad, I really do, but I was just creeped out.

The stuff I'm not sure about: As much as I want to get out of here, I'm not sure how I feel about going home for christmas. Last Christmas, New Years, and the weeks after were just so shitty for me. I'm really not looking forward to reliving it.

I found a therapist in town. Well, I didn't find her, I was told about her. The first few therapists the shrink recommended to me were no good. The first only had office hours 1 day each week and I was in school during they time they were available. The next string of therapists were um...well...ministers. Now, I have no problem with ministers. If I was having a spiritual crisis, a priest or minister would be a logical place for me to turn. But this is different. I realize that they have training as therapists, but they do strictly faith based therapy. I'm sure that's just fine for some people, but I really don't want that. So, he told me about this woman in town. After procrastinating for a month, I finally called her. We played a bit of phone tag and actually connected today. I have an appointment for Monday afternoon. Not bad! While I know I won't suddenly be my normal stable self in 1 session, maybe she can give me some ideas of how to survive the following two weeks. :-/

I put this under the "not sure how I feel about it" category because I'm really not sure how I feel about doing this. It was hard enough for me to walk into the shrink's office. Then sitting in that waiting room thinking that I didn't belong there. Now I have to tell my story all over again to someone new, but she isn't going to hand me a bottle of pills so how am I going to feel any different?

And then there's Bachelor #2. Things with him are still going well. We've talked a few times on the phone and he emails regularly. Very sweet to always remember when I have a test and wishes me luck. He wants to get together when I'm home for Christmas.

And there is a plethora of men on match, but the ones I like don't like me and the ones who like me are....strange.

I don't get it.

December 3, 2006 2:08am

Call it "playing the field", call it "taking a chance", call it "wow, you're a pathetic loser". Call it what you may, but I decided to enter the online dating world.

Actually, I did it a while ago, I just didn't say anything.

My first venture has been into eharmony. The creepy guy on tv who owns it finally brainwashed me into shelling out the money for it.

It took me 3 days to fill out the 7000 question profile.

In the past two months since I've been on it I have been matched with over 300 people.

A large majority of them never bothered to pay for the service. This means that they can never actually communicate with me.

Of what was left, some closed me out because I am too far away (I am trying to find someone inNJ) and some closed me out for an unknown reason. I am assuming I'm just not hot enough.

From those that were left, I recently started communicating by email and phone with 2.

We will call them Bachelor #1 and Bachelor #2 for short.

Bachelor #1 seemed like a nice enough guy. We had quite a bit in common. He lived not too far from me. But.......he seemed a little....boring. Maybe he was just nervous the first few times we talked. Maybe he doesn't ALWAYS talk about the same things over and over. So we went out while I was home. Apparently, he DOES ALWAYS talk about the same topics over and over (military life, military history, and sci fi shows). I'm a sucker for a soldier, but even I can handle this. Then, when we spoke last night he started going on about these very strange stories about his father that just made me really uncomfortable. Got to cut that one loose.

Bachelor #2 I only talked to on the phone for the first time tonight. He is very bright, much less nervous than #1, has a good sense of humor, and he has the ability to switch between topics in a conversation. I didn't want to slit my wrists after 2 hours on the phone, so that was a good thing! He's had a very interesting life. Grew up in Egypt. Speaks 3 languages, has an MBA, wants to meet up while I'm home for Christmas.

I just keep reminding myself to keep an open mind and enjoy whatever good experiences come my way.

If I repeat that over and over enough I just might start to believe it.