First, to update on my last post: I tried talking things out with some friends, but I'm not sure it got me anywhere. Honestly, I think I just need to accept people as they are and not expect them to act a certain way. I know that I have always had a problem with this. I don't mean that I expect *things* from people. I don't expect gifts or money or anything material like that. What I do expect (and want) is time. If you are my friend, I want your time.
I feel selfish even saying that, but isn't that what a friendship is? You give your time to someone you care about. I need to stop expecting anything, though. I have to accept that the way I treat people may not be the way others see fit to treat people.
Worked overnights this past weekend in the ER. My days and nights are all mixed up.
Trying to get some studying done, but I am low on motivation. I just want to go home!!!
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
February 20, 2007 9:15pm
Tonight is not a good night.
I'm heading down that slippery slope (no, not chopsticks) of feeling anxious, depressed, worthless, frustrated.....
further and further
The pissy part is that I don't actually have something I can pinpoint as what is causing it.
Other than f-d up brain chemistry and bad genes.
And why is it that when I reach out to friends and family for a little time and support, I get ignored? Ignored as in phone calls not returned or "gee, I'd love to talk but I'm really busy. We'll catch up in a few weeks."
Then when it spirals out of control and I'm in that really dark place again I have to crawl out myself.
When I finally do, all those people who I tried to reach out to eons before are saying, "Awww, why didn't you call me or talk to me about it?"
Fuck Em!
I'm heading down that slippery slope (no, not chopsticks) of feeling anxious, depressed, worthless, frustrated.....
further and further
The pissy part is that I don't actually have something I can pinpoint as what is causing it.
Other than f-d up brain chemistry and bad genes.
And why is it that when I reach out to friends and family for a little time and support, I get ignored? Ignored as in phone calls not returned or "gee, I'd love to talk but I'm really busy. We'll catch up in a few weeks."
Then when it spirals out of control and I'm in that really dark place again I have to crawl out myself.
When I finally do, all those people who I tried to reach out to eons before are saying, "Awww, why didn't you call me or talk to me about it?"
Fuck Em!
Friday, February 08, 2008
February 8, 2008 6:57pm
Beej did this so I thought I'd jump on the bandwagon too.
1) Answer the questions below
2) Take each answer and type it into Photobucket (www.photobucket.com)
3) Take any picture from the first page of results and post.
1. The age you'll be on your next birthday:
2. A place you'd like to travel:
3. Your favorite plac
e:
4. Your favorite object:
5. Your favorite food:
6. Your favorite animal:
7. Your favorite color:
8. The town in which you were born:
9. The town in which you live:
10. The name of your pet Don't have one unless you count...
11. Your name:
12. Your mid
dle name:
13. Your last name:
14. A bad habit of yours:
15. Your first job:
16. Your current car:
17. Favorite sport:
18. Favorite kind of music no one favorite
19. Your crush:
1) Answer the questions below
2) Take each answer and type it into Photobucket (www.photobucket.com)
3) Take any picture from the first page of results and post.
1. The age you'll be on your next birthday:
2. A place you'd like to travel:
3. Your favorite plac
e:4. Your favorite object:
5. Your favorite food:
6. Your favorite animal:
7. Your favorite color:
8. The town in which you were born:
9. The town in which you live:
10. The name of your pet Don't have one unless you count...
11. Your name:
12. Your mid
dle name:13. Your last name:
14. A bad habit of yours:
15. Your first job:
16. Your current car:
17. Favorite sport:
18. Favorite kind of music no one favorite
19. Your crush:
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
February 6, 2008 6:53pm
I'm low on motivation these days.
It's just so much more fun to let the hours slip by while I watch QVC.
Last few days of my ObGyn rotation. Not that there was any doubt in my mind before, but I am 110% sure I do not ever, ever, ever want to be an ObGyn. God bless those who do, though. And there's a midwife in this doc's office who I think has a special place set aside for her in Heaven because she will even go over to OB and just "hang out" to help if needed since they are sorely understaffed.
Next week I begin Emergency Medicine. Also not something I'm really keen on. I don't even like the tv show. Things move too fast. Doors swinging open and closed. I'm more of a House kind of girl. I like having a good 40 minutes to think through what I need to do.
I'm in the process of planning my 4th year rotations and thinking about residency after I graduate. We apply for that around September/October so it's coming up sooner than one might think. My biggest problem at the moment is getting all the paperwork to the correct people. It would be much easier if I just had to do it myself, but I am far from home (where I'm doing my 4th year) so I have to rely on email and phone. I get my part filled out and sent to the hospital in NJ, and then I have to rely on them to fax it to my school. This is where the system seems to break down and things get lost.
I'd be happier if the whole world worked with the same sense of urgency that I do. I'd also be happier if everyone checked their email at all hours of the day/night like I do....or that they at least responded to me within a week! Argh!
Onto the wedding front. I call it a "front" because I feel like it is a war. A war against all the people who feel the need to tell me what I just *have* to do. Other than show up, I haven't seen one thing that I absolutely *have* to do. I'm no less married if I don't have someone do my make-up, or if I don't do matchbooks, or if my cocktail napkins aren't monogrammed. I'm not giving anyone anything with my monogram on it. In fact, I'm actually considering getting my boobs imaged and then putting that on every available surface. When someone asks me about it I will say, "Oh, you said MONO-gram? I thought you were telling me to put my MAMMO-gram on everything. My bad!"
So the Save The Date magnets went out. I know a lot of people have gotten theirs because the number of people viewing our wedding web site went up dramatically. Roger also went and booked our mini honeymoon that we will be taking just after the wedding. We're going to Napa Valley to eat and drink our way through wine country! We'll be staying at a place called 1801 First and Roger arranged for us to have a private cottage. I am all about the evening couples massage with the bottle of champagne!
That will be the perfect way to start off our new life together after all the stress of taking 2 board exams this summer and then the wedding.
And speaking of board exams.... time to hit the books again.
It's just so much more fun to let the hours slip by while I watch QVC.
Last few days of my ObGyn rotation. Not that there was any doubt in my mind before, but I am 110% sure I do not ever, ever, ever want to be an ObGyn. God bless those who do, though. And there's a midwife in this doc's office who I think has a special place set aside for her in Heaven because she will even go over to OB and just "hang out" to help if needed since they are sorely understaffed.
Next week I begin Emergency Medicine. Also not something I'm really keen on. I don't even like the tv show. Things move too fast. Doors swinging open and closed. I'm more of a House kind of girl. I like having a good 40 minutes to think through what I need to do.
I'm in the process of planning my 4th year rotations and thinking about residency after I graduate. We apply for that around September/October so it's coming up sooner than one might think. My biggest problem at the moment is getting all the paperwork to the correct people. It would be much easier if I just had to do it myself, but I am far from home (where I'm doing my 4th year) so I have to rely on email and phone. I get my part filled out and sent to the hospital in NJ, and then I have to rely on them to fax it to my school. This is where the system seems to break down and things get lost.
I'd be happier if the whole world worked with the same sense of urgency that I do. I'd also be happier if everyone checked their email at all hours of the day/night like I do....or that they at least responded to me within a week! Argh!
Onto the wedding front. I call it a "front" because I feel like it is a war. A war against all the people who feel the need to tell me what I just *have* to do. Other than show up, I haven't seen one thing that I absolutely *have* to do. I'm no less married if I don't have someone do my make-up, or if I don't do matchbooks, or if my cocktail napkins aren't monogrammed. I'm not giving anyone anything with my monogram on it. In fact, I'm actually considering getting my boobs imaged and then putting that on every available surface. When someone asks me about it I will say, "Oh, you said MONO-gram? I thought you were telling me to put my MAMMO-gram on everything. My bad!"
So the Save The Date magnets went out. I know a lot of people have gotten theirs because the number of people viewing our wedding web site went up dramatically. Roger also went and booked our mini honeymoon that we will be taking just after the wedding. We're going to Napa Valley to eat and drink our way through wine country! We'll be staying at a place called 1801 First and Roger arranged for us to have a private cottage. I am all about the evening couples massage with the bottle of champagne!
That will be the perfect way to start off our new life together after all the stress of taking 2 board exams this summer and then the wedding.
And speaking of board exams.... time to hit the books again.
Friday, February 01, 2008
February 1, 2008 12:41am
Anxiety is a bitch.
I realized that the less I blog, the more I feel ill with anxiety. I think writing gives me a chance to put my thoughts down and consider what I'm really upset about.
At the moment, I am most worried/frustrated about school. I'm almost done with my OB rotation and I will be moving on to Surgery and Emergency Medicine. Both give me nightmares.
Sid I mention that on my first day of surgery in OB I went horizontal 25 minutes into a hysterectomy?
Well, I did.
Clearly, the operating room is not the place for me.
I hate things moving fast. I hate making quick decisions. I'm more into the kind of medicine where you can evaluate and research a bit before deciding what to do (nobody is about to die immediately). I'm also clumsy and have a wicket tremor. If I hold a mug of coffee, my hand shakes so bad that I often spill it on myself. I am a glass is half empty kind of gal out of necessity. I can't exactly hit a vein with any sort of proficiency, but it's really embarrassing explaining to people (even doctors and nurses) that I'm not just nervous, I have a medical condition that normally really old people have.
I've also been really anxious about money lately. This is probably because I don't currently have a job so I'm not making any money. Mom helps me out tremendously so I can have a roof over my head and eat and have books and toilet paper, but I feel guilty every single time I spend money that isn't really *mine*.
Tonight, the power went out around dinnertime. I called the power company and the very pleasant recording told me that it will be restored by 4am. I assumed this meant it was a major catastrophe and I needed supplies. I drove to Wal-Mart (which still had power) and bought lots of batteries, a battery powered lantern, apples, bananas, 3 cans of soup, some non-refrigerated snacks, and a piece of chocolate cake. The plan was to stock up on things that didn't need to go in the fridge and enjoy the night with my lantern and read. I got to the checkout and the whole thing came to about $70 (mostly because of the batteries and the lantern). On the drive home, I realized that power had been restored and there would be no evening of roughing it.
Guilt over the purchases immediately began.
Why is it that I can appear so calm and together, yet have this internal war going on?
food and I aren't getting along very well right now. My stomach churns as soon as I swallow a bite, and last night I had reflux so bad that I had to go to sleep sitting up.
Tonight isn't looking very promising right now either.
I realized that the less I blog, the more I feel ill with anxiety. I think writing gives me a chance to put my thoughts down and consider what I'm really upset about.
At the moment, I am most worried/frustrated about school. I'm almost done with my OB rotation and I will be moving on to Surgery and Emergency Medicine. Both give me nightmares.
Sid I mention that on my first day of surgery in OB I went horizontal 25 minutes into a hysterectomy?
Well, I did.
Clearly, the operating room is not the place for me.
I hate things moving fast. I hate making quick decisions. I'm more into the kind of medicine where you can evaluate and research a bit before deciding what to do (nobody is about to die immediately). I'm also clumsy and have a wicket tremor. If I hold a mug of coffee, my hand shakes so bad that I often spill it on myself. I am a glass is half empty kind of gal out of necessity. I can't exactly hit a vein with any sort of proficiency, but it's really embarrassing explaining to people (even doctors and nurses) that I'm not just nervous, I have a medical condition that normally really old people have.
I've also been really anxious about money lately. This is probably because I don't currently have a job so I'm not making any money. Mom helps me out tremendously so I can have a roof over my head and eat and have books and toilet paper, but I feel guilty every single time I spend money that isn't really *mine*.
Tonight, the power went out around dinnertime. I called the power company and the very pleasant recording told me that it will be restored by 4am. I assumed this meant it was a major catastrophe and I needed supplies. I drove to Wal-Mart (which still had power) and bought lots of batteries, a battery powered lantern, apples, bananas, 3 cans of soup, some non-refrigerated snacks, and a piece of chocolate cake. The plan was to stock up on things that didn't need to go in the fridge and enjoy the night with my lantern and read. I got to the checkout and the whole thing came to about $70 (mostly because of the batteries and the lantern). On the drive home, I realized that power had been restored and there would be no evening of roughing it.
Guilt over the purchases immediately began.
Why is it that I can appear so calm and together, yet have this internal war going on?
food and I aren't getting along very well right now. My stomach churns as soon as I swallow a bite, and last night I had reflux so bad that I had to go to sleep sitting up.
Tonight isn't looking very promising right now either.
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