December 2, 2007 3:15pm

Christmas is quickly approaching. This is my absolute favorite time of year. I love shopping for gifts, planning menus, decorating, etc.

My mother, on the other hand, finds it all to be a chore. That is why she wrote her own Christmas carol, sun to the tune of O Tannenbaum:

O Christmas tree
O Christmas tree
Why do you always shit on me?
The balls all fall, the lights don't work
You make me feel
Just like a jerk
O Christmas tree
O Christmas tree
Why do you always shit on me?

Festive, ain't it?

I recently posted about my strange family and their reaction to my Christmas Eve celebration last year. Well, I'm a glutton for punishment so I'm doing it again this year. I have everyone's little gift prepared now. I have a menu prepared and ran it past mom (who always loves anything I make) and emailed it to my aunt, though she hasn't written me back yet with any comments/complaints. Not that I'd listen anyway.

Our Christmas Eve dinner is meatless. There are multiple courses and I am determined to slow it down this year so it isn't so rushed this year. Humans are not meant to eat that that speed. If we're going to do it quickly, might as well throw everything into one big dog bowl and even skip the utensils.

1st course: Picked herring and rye bread (an acquired taste, i know, but it's a tradition)
2nd: Saurkraut soup with mushrooms
3rd: Egg noodles with dried fruit compote
4th: ginger-poached salmon with endive and swordfish steaks with caper butter (mom already made the comment of "just two choices"- yes because I'm not a fucking short order cook!)
potato-cheese pierogis
peas with tomato sauce
green beans with parsley and pine nuts
5th: profiteroles with ice cream and choice of chocolate or raspberry sauce

Christmas Day will be a smaller crowd, but I'm making:
Prime rib with horseradish crust
Scalloped potatoes with Asiago cheese
Roasted Cauliflower with capers
Red lettuce salad with champagne vinegarette
coconut-sweet potato cheesecake for dessert (yes, just one choice...don't like it, don't eat it).

I'm excited about doing all of this, but am dreading the comments.

Last year I made a rack of lamb for Christmas. It looked absolutely perfect and tasted even better. Of course, I had to hear things like, "Oh, you like that kind of thing?" and "since when do we eat lamb in this family?" and my favorite, "I think I should've run to McDonalds before coming here."

Because I'm a masochist, I also decided to have everyone over for New Year's Day. for that gathering, I'm planning to make:
Roasted asparagus with parmesan, proscuitto and poached eggs
Orzo salad
Apple tart
and a gigantic thermos of hot buttered rum because I'm going to need something to keep from becoming homicidal after 3 days of various unnecessary comments.

I'm really liking the idea I had months ago to just crush xanax into everyone's food.

I hear that there's a hell of a snowstorm in NJ. We just have rain down here in WV, though. I wish it would snow. I love snow. I love sitting inside with hot chocolate and reading a good book. Or even better, sitting on the porch on my swing with a huge blanket, watching the snow.

Sigh.