Good news..... I passed my medical board exam. Woo hoo! On to Step 2 in another year.
right now, I am sitting in The Daily Grind. I feel like I am the oldest person here by a generation, but I know that isn't quite true. Buckhannon is a college town so this place is crawling with college students every evening.
My first rotation is coming to a close. I feel like I have learned a lot, but I am also excited to move on to something new. I start Internal Medicine on Tuesday.
I wish I had a talent like singing or painting. Something I could do and people would "ooooh" and "aahahh" over what I accomplished. right now, the only "aaahhh"s I get are when I am looking at someone's tonsils.
Also, if I was a singer, my permanent spot here in the coffee house would be much more fitting.
I don't fit here. I don't fit in this town. I don't fit in this kind of life. I am much more comfortable at home, but I also think that I don't fit there very well either. I'm somewhere between the suburban life of Manasquan and the country life of West Virginia. I'm not into the upscale lifestyle of the people back home, but I also am not content with staying within the confines of small town life entirely.
It took me a long time to get comfortable in my own skin. I always felt that there was something wrong with me and I needed to change to be more "normal". Now I realize that I am just fine where I am, I just need to find where I fit.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
August 16, 2007 11:08pm
Feeling blissfully peaceful right now.
I really look forward to every day and what new people I will see.
I look forward to my nightly phone calls with Roger.
I look forward to going home soon.
I did laundry tonight and that made me feel clean and organized.
I at at a coffee house tonight and did some reading. I really enjoyed being somewhere other than in my house. The Daily Grind isn't quite as friendly and fun as The Wild Bean, my favorite hangout in Lewisburg, but it will have to do while I am here.
Maybe when I go back to NJ I can open my own coffee house in the style of The Wild Bean.
Sigh.
I really look forward to every day and what new people I will see.
I look forward to my nightly phone calls with Roger.
I look forward to going home soon.
I did laundry tonight and that made me feel clean and organized.
I at at a coffee house tonight and did some reading. I really enjoyed being somewhere other than in my house. The Daily Grind isn't quite as friendly and fun as The Wild Bean, my favorite hangout in Lewisburg, but it will have to do while I am here.
Maybe when I go back to NJ I can open my own coffee house in the style of The Wild Bean.
Sigh.
Saturday, August 04, 2007
August 4, 2007 8:37pm
I know I have a problem with being obsessive. This has been well documented and known by those closest to me for a long time.
But where is the line between being irrationally obsessive and being bothered by a legitimate issue?
Why am I getting myself all worked up over something that I can't really do anything about right now anyway?
Am I reading too much into all this, or do I have a right to be annoyed?
But where is the line between being irrationally obsessive and being bothered by a legitimate issue?
Why am I getting myself all worked up over something that I can't really do anything about right now anyway?
Am I reading too much into all this, or do I have a right to be annoyed?
Friday, August 03, 2007
August 3, 2007 8:50pm
More thoughts on what I posted on earlier....
It's not just the trip down here. It's a culmination of things.
I feel like for a while now she has gone out of her way to do things for and to spend time with friends who she has only known for a few years.... yet she isn't there for people (namely, me since I'm the one bitching about this) who have known her the longest.
It really burns my ass when in conversation after conversation I hear, "Oh, I miss you. When are you coming home again? I can't wait to see you." I will be home from xx until xx. "Great! We'll hang out." Fine. Then, when I'm home there's always something else that came up and it's ALMOST ALWAYS because she's doing a favor for someone else or helping someone else with something. Someone else who didn't drive 500 miles to be with her when her world got turned upside down. Someone else who didn't search high and low for dirt on a dirtbag so she wouldn't have to get hurt. Someone else who hasn't known her through about 10 different hairstyles, jean sizes, bad days, good days, graduations, jobs, men, fights with parents, broken bones, illness, and assorted other life nonsense.
I feel like I have a stick up my ass just for saying all of this, but I'm at a loss for what to do right now.
It's not just the trip down here. It's a culmination of things.
I feel like for a while now she has gone out of her way to do things for and to spend time with friends who she has only known for a few years.... yet she isn't there for people (namely, me since I'm the one bitching about this) who have known her the longest.
It really burns my ass when in conversation after conversation I hear, "Oh, I miss you. When are you coming home again? I can't wait to see you." I will be home from xx until xx. "Great! We'll hang out." Fine. Then, when I'm home there's always something else that came up and it's ALMOST ALWAYS because she's doing a favor for someone else or helping someone else with something. Someone else who didn't drive 500 miles to be with her when her world got turned upside down. Someone else who didn't search high and low for dirt on a dirtbag so she wouldn't have to get hurt. Someone else who hasn't known her through about 10 different hairstyles, jean sizes, bad days, good days, graduations, jobs, men, fights with parents, broken bones, illness, and assorted other life nonsense.
I feel like I have a stick up my ass just for saying all of this, but I'm at a loss for what to do right now.
August 3, 2007 2:53pm
Things are returning to normal now that my board exam is over. It will be about 4 weeks before I have the results. Let's not talk about that just now.
I have a totally free weekend. Today I have off and no major studying or assignments for the upcoming 2 days. I'm going to catch up with Harry Potter, and do my QVC Zombie dance. It involves me sitting on the couch in a trance, unable to change the channel for fear of missing something wonderful.
I am sorely in need of a haircut. This always presents a problem for me when I am out of state. Nobody cuts it quite right...the way the girl who has been cutting my hair for 10 years does it.
Sigh.
I also am in a bit of a quandry. I'm feeling a little hurt by a friend, but I'm trying to not feel that way. The short version is that I drove home last weekend to be with her during a really, really difficult time. Months ago, there was a plan in the works for her and another friend to come down here and visit for a weekend. That all seems to have fallen through. Yet, she's going to another state (a shorter trip by 2-ish hours) to visit a friend....but won't come here because she's too nervous to make the drive herself to somewhere she has never been before. While I understand this is a tough time for her, I am a little annoyed that I'm treated this way. I mean shit, I wasn't thrilled to drive home in a rainstorm making a 6 hour drive into an 11 hour drive, but I did it anyway because I wouldn't have felt right about not doing it. Maybe I just don't understand fear of something like driving somewhere. I live in West Virginia, not Beiruit.
Though, I guess it extends to other events as well. Not this past summer, but the one before... I was home for about 2 months. Before I came home I kept hearing, "Oh, we'll spend so much time together blah blah blah..." then over the two months I was home I saw her all of 2 times. We made plans for more than that, but she often canceled on me or was out with other people/other plan she made.
Now, I don't expect to be the center of anyone's world. When I say I'm going to do something I generally do it unless some force beyond my control is holding me back.
Like I said, I'm trying to not be mad or hurt, and I'm not really either of those. I don't know how I feel. Maybe a little irritated. I just don't know.
Similarly, there are other things that annoy me. Like when we talk, the conversation is often just a 20 minute chat. Yet, when some new guy comes along she tells me about how she's on the phone for hours, or stays up until all hours of the night/morning talking. Doesn't do the same with girlfriends, though.
Back in September when I had my meltdown, this was all part of it. In fact, it's in the shrink's notes. "Feeling abandoned by friends." I thought that was an interesting interpretation of my complaint about someone not making time to visit with me after saying they will. Abandoned seems like such a harsh word.
I know she appreciates me because she does do things to show me that and she tells me that often. I know I shouldn't feel abandoned or neglected or anything like that. I'm sure it isn't intentional, and she's such a kind-hearted soul that I don't even want to bring it up for fear of hurting her.
My philosophy has always been that men can come and go, but your close girlfriends are like your sisters and they are always there to stay. Much like with sisters, you get annoyed at things they do but accept them for who they are.
I have a totally free weekend. Today I have off and no major studying or assignments for the upcoming 2 days. I'm going to catch up with Harry Potter, and do my QVC Zombie dance. It involves me sitting on the couch in a trance, unable to change the channel for fear of missing something wonderful.
I am sorely in need of a haircut. This always presents a problem for me when I am out of state. Nobody cuts it quite right...the way the girl who has been cutting my hair for 10 years does it.
Sigh.
I also am in a bit of a quandry. I'm feeling a little hurt by a friend, but I'm trying to not feel that way. The short version is that I drove home last weekend to be with her during a really, really difficult time. Months ago, there was a plan in the works for her and another friend to come down here and visit for a weekend. That all seems to have fallen through. Yet, she's going to another state (a shorter trip by 2-ish hours) to visit a friend....but won't come here because she's too nervous to make the drive herself to somewhere she has never been before. While I understand this is a tough time for her, I am a little annoyed that I'm treated this way. I mean shit, I wasn't thrilled to drive home in a rainstorm making a 6 hour drive into an 11 hour drive, but I did it anyway because I wouldn't have felt right about not doing it. Maybe I just don't understand fear of something like driving somewhere. I live in West Virginia, not Beiruit.
Though, I guess it extends to other events as well. Not this past summer, but the one before... I was home for about 2 months. Before I came home I kept hearing, "Oh, we'll spend so much time together blah blah blah..." then over the two months I was home I saw her all of 2 times. We made plans for more than that, but she often canceled on me or was out with other people/other plan she made.
Now, I don't expect to be the center of anyone's world. When I say I'm going to do something I generally do it unless some force beyond my control is holding me back.
Like I said, I'm trying to not be mad or hurt, and I'm not really either of those. I don't know how I feel. Maybe a little irritated. I just don't know.
Similarly, there are other things that annoy me. Like when we talk, the conversation is often just a 20 minute chat. Yet, when some new guy comes along she tells me about how she's on the phone for hours, or stays up until all hours of the night/morning talking. Doesn't do the same with girlfriends, though.
Back in September when I had my meltdown, this was all part of it. In fact, it's in the shrink's notes. "Feeling abandoned by friends." I thought that was an interesting interpretation of my complaint about someone not making time to visit with me after saying they will. Abandoned seems like such a harsh word.
I know she appreciates me because she does do things to show me that and she tells me that often. I know I shouldn't feel abandoned or neglected or anything like that. I'm sure it isn't intentional, and she's such a kind-hearted soul that I don't even want to bring it up for fear of hurting her.
My philosophy has always been that men can come and go, but your close girlfriends are like your sisters and they are always there to stay. Much like with sisters, you get annoyed at things they do but accept them for who they are.
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