October 31, 2006 11:49pm

I went over to Maria's place tonight for dinner and to hang out with the girls before they went off to the halloween party (that I refused to participate in).

We had some interesting conversations.

Why to intelligent, attractive women stay in bad relationships that are doomed? Why set themselves up for problems? Why be with men who treat them so badly?

It makes me sad.

But somewhat comforted. At least I'm not the only one.

I know better now, though.

I've been getting to sleep every night and that has been just wonderful!

But the pills I have are 50mg and I take 25mg. This would be much easier if the pills were scored, but they aren't. so I end up with a little pile of dust and crumbs when I cut it. Then I'm trying to make a little pile of the dust and crumbs and figuring out the best way to consume it.

I look like a coke head with my little pile of white powder.

Tomorrow is another day.

October 25, 2006 11:17pm

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. I usually can't get to bed until 3 or 4 in the morning and even if I sleep for 12 hours I'm tired all day.

So when I went to see the psychiatrist yesterday I asked him what I should do. I assumed he'd give me Ambien or Lunesta or one of those nice drugs that have commercials on TV. Nope, he hands me some free sample boxes of something called Seroquel.

Seroquel is an anti-psychotic with an off albel use as a sleep aid. I was a little hesitant about taking it. He told me to take half a pill, which is 25mg. The "standard" dose, when used for someone who is schizophrenic, can be up to 400mg.

My little half of a pill practically put me in a coma. I had to crawl up the stairs to get into bed. Even when I got up this morning I couldn't walk a straight line.

That is some powerful shit! I can't imagine giving someone 400mg of that. It sure as hell would probably kill me!

Yesterday and today were okay days. Got work done. Well, a little at least. Haven't been feeling as awful as most days.

I'm frustrated with my memory and concentration. My head just isn't as clear as it used to be. Ever since this mess started for me, I really haven't been able to focus on anything.

I want my head back!

October 22, 2006 4:12am

Saturday was very bad.

Actually, as far as I see it Saturday is till here because I haven't gone to bed yet.

I don't know why this is happening to me. I don't know why I deserve this. I don't know why I have to be like this.

I want someone to put their arms around me and let me cry for as long as I want to- until I fall asleep and sleep and sleep until I can't possibly sleep anymore. Sleep and sleep without waking up in a panic. Sleep until I feel rested. Sleep without dreams.

Sleep.

Sleep in the comfort of my bed knowing that even if I did fall apart again I could just go back to sleep.

It's 4:20am. I want to throw up. I keep telling myself that this is all in my head, but my stomach does not seem to believe that.

My stomach, my legs, my chest. Nothing is operating properly. I'm angry. I want to be mean to someone who doesn't deserve it just so they can feel like I do.

Can't do that. That isn't me.

None of this is me. I don't recognize myself. I look in the mirror and am not sure who I am anymore. Tired. Clothes don't fit properly. Sickly looking.

This is crazy. I'm going crazy.

Lack of sleep isn't helping.

This is a nightmare. Maybe I am asleep and I am having a nightmare. Maybe the last month has been a nightmare. Or maybe the last year. The last ten years. Yes, that would be ideal. I'm going to wake up suddenly and realize I'm still 15 years old and everything is still wonderful and I'll know what to do and how to avoid mistakes and how to keep from getting hurt.

I want to wake up.

October 20, 2006 11:09pm

Ever just want to hit something?

Looking over my posts of the last few weeks, I think some explanation is necessary.

I've been sort of spiraling into what I like to think of as "my nutty episode" for months now. I've just finally hit bottom.

I found a psychistrist in town. The official diagnosis is "Major Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder." I like having a label for what's happening to me. It lets me put this part of my life into a nice little box so that one day I can look back on it and refer to it as the "Major Depression and GAD of 2006."

It's really hard to describe it without sounding sorry for myself, or being irreverant like a Nora Ephram book.

I think the low point- the absolute low point was when I was just decompensating for absolutely no reason. This was happening every day and multiple times in each day. There wasn't even something specific that would trigger it. I would just go from normal to totally inconsolable- crying, screaming- in a few seconds.

It got so bad that when I wasn't having an episode, I was worrying about when the next one would happen. I always managed to not embarass myself in public. I was able to hold it together just long enough until I could be in the car or back at my place.

Logically, I should have just called someone to talk to, but in that moment it felt like there was nobody in the world. It ended in me sitting on the floor with a blanket in the dark, saying to a dark room, "Somebody please help me."

It's better now since I went and got some help. I don't have the daily meltdowns.

I can't really explain or even understand why this happened to me. Maybe it's years worth of stuff catching up to me. Maybe it's a combination of random crappy stuff and stress.

I just want it to be over. I'm very impatient when it comes to my health.

October 19, 2006 10:39pm

I'm pissed at myself for not enjoying my life more.

Things aren't that bad, so I shouldn't feel the way I do.

It's lonely here.

Go back to see the dr next week. Not sure what to say. Am I better? Sort of? Not melting down like I was, but not particularly happy.

This isn't supposed to happen to me. I'm tough as nails. I can handle anything.

Guess not.

October 17, 2006 3:12pm

I have a friend who is afraid of spiders. Not in the way that most girls are afraid of spiders, though. She is only afraid of the huge ones that are in her apartment.

Last week one night, she called me because there was a spider she had been trying to kill, but couldn't. The fear of the spider overwhelmed her so much that she was in tears.

I started to realize that fears, regardless of what they are of, are very real. Her fear of spiders is as real as my fear of failure and loneliness. It's a paralyzing fear that can't be overcome with rational judgment. If it were that easy, I could just give myself a pep talk and move on.

So when my mother (who, incidentally, was here all weekend) says things like, "Well, you just need to stop thinking so negatively and accept that things don't always work out the way you plan." I get really frustrated because it isn't as simple as just stopping negative thoughts.

That's like saying to an alcoholic, "So just quit drinking if you know it's bad for you."

It sounds easy to anyone who isn't there. And it doesn't make a damn bit of sense to someone who isn't there.

Actually, it doesn't make any sense to me either.

At least I can admit to being irrational.

I have a need to keep control over things in my life. I have a need to plan my life out in 10 year blocks.

I feel like if I don't do that then everything will just be a huge mess.

Maybe life is a mess anyway.

How can I plan my life out for the next 10 years when I have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow? I could get a brain tumor and then the next 10 years are totally irrelevant.

Frustrating.

October 12, 2006 11:39pm

Good days and bad- seems to be the story of my life these days.

My mom is coming tomorrow to stay for the weekend. It will be nice to have some company.

Today is a rough day, not sure why.

Decided to take a "mental health day" and stay home.

Watching the Food Network right now.

I want to cook for someone. Want to come over?

October 10, 2006 4:14pm

One of the benefits of having a total life meltdown is that you lose your appetite and lose 10 pounds.

The down side is that none of the clothes fit properly now. I had to go and get some belts, but that just makes my pants bunch up because of the extra material.

I haven't decided yet if I want to try and gain the weight back, or keep it off.

Decisions decisions.

I have pertussis, or at least I think I do. More commonly known as "whooping cough". I had what I thought was a bad cold a few weeks ago and now I am left with a horrible, spasmotic cough that gets worse at night.

It's been a fun few weeks.

October 8, 2006 10:46pm

Feeling better tonight. Not sure why. Just have a more positive outlook on things.

It seems like forever until I get to be home again for good. I wish I could speed it up a little.

Anyway, that's all I have to say for tonight. I'm a little sleepy. I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm doing better. :-)

October 4, 2006 9:59pm

Thanks to all for your kind words and support.

The rut I'm in isn't all related to Mike. That's only a small part of it. It's a year's worth of crappy things that are finally all catching up with me.

It's a combination of anxiety and depression that I'm just now really starting to feel. I've probably had it most of my life to some degree, but the circumstances of the past 9 or 10 months have really made it worse.

My heart starts racing, my chest feels like it's going to cave in, and for a few hours I feel like nothing will ever be good again. No relationship, no friendship, nothing will ever be good because I will always always keep getting hurt. Then it passes and I wait in fear of the next episode.

I'm working on getting it under control now.

Not easy, though.

October 3, 2006 8:08pm

I'm starting to become one of "those women".

One of those women who looks at herself in the mirror and thinks she's just too ugly to love. One of those women who thinks she'll never be happy. One of those women who is sure she'll be alone for the rest of her life.

I hate being one of those women.

It's turning me into a paranoid psycho who can't deal with normal life.

This is not me. This is not the person I have always been.

But maybe that's because I had something in life that gave me some sense of security.

Seriously, what is so wrong with me? What makes me so horrible to be with? You'd think men would be all interested in me...I'm going to be a docto, I have a house, I don't demand a whole lot of attention, I can buy my own jewelry.

Yet they seem to be more interested in the chick with the skinny nose at the bar who is wearing the corset and tight jeans and giggles a lot.

Maybe it's an age thing?

How can the same thing happen to me twice in one year?

Am I cursed?

Just unlucky?

When will it turn around?

October 1, 2006 9:22pm

I have never slept so much or so hard as I have these past two days.

Getting some help with the anxiety.

Went out Friday night. I had a good time. Actually, I was surprised that so many people were happy to see me out.

I've lost some weight over the past few weeks from not eating.

I'm starting to shut down, which isn't good either.

Also getting a cold.

September 29, 2006 9:58am

For the past few weeks I have been having crippling anxiety attacks that have only been getting worse by the day.

This used to happen to me a few times a year and was usually associated with something really stressful- like exams or applying to med school.

2007 has been the worst year of my life. In comparison with some awful things that can happen to people, I guess it's been more on the level of life-changing and emotionally devastating, but not insurmountable.

Anyway, it's just been getting worse and worse to the point that when I'm not having a meltdown, I'm worrying about when the next one will happen.

I finally told Mike about it last Thursday. He felt terrible. He felt responsible- which he isn't. This is me. My own deamons, I guess. He's been going through some of his own personal issues, so I delayed dumping it all on him for a while. He talked with me for over an hour. I made him late for work, but only because I didn't know he was on his way into work when I called. I had been calling him throughout the week and tried a few text messages to get his attention, but he wasn't getting some of my calls or messages. apparently his phone had been cloned and when that happens one misses some of their calls. He was going to go to Verizon first chance he got to get it all taken care of.

He told me not to feel so alone and he completely understands how I feel. I can't just keep swallowing my emotions because that's what he does and it doesn't work. Before he hung up, he told me he loves me and that even though he's been dealing with his own problems, he wants to get himself better so he can be of more use to me.

Sounds great, right?

Then, as of Saturday afternoon his cell phone number is not in service and I have no other way to reach him- besides maybe go to his house which isn't an option. Oh, there's email so I sent one of those, but he hasn't read it yet. He rarely gets to a computer so that doesn't surprise me terribly.

WTF? This is just the shit I need right now. I've decided that either 1) He decided to ditch the phone and get a new number because it was cloned and it was a convenient way to get away from me to not tell me his new number 2) His service was suspended by Verizon so that they didn't have to keep paying for the internaltional calls the cloner was making and he didn't set up a new number yet 3) #2 happened, he has a new number, but he's in such a bad head space he needed to disappear for a while.

#3 worries me because that means he's hurting and he isn't good at reaching out to people.

#1 scares me because it's eerily familiar in that someone tells me on a thursday that they love me and life is dandy, and by saturday the phone is disconnected and they've moved.

Not much luck finding a shrink out here in the mountains either. The one in town I called can't see me until the end of october and the receptionist was more interested in getting my insurance information than in finding a way to get me in earlier.

For some reason, the people I care about are always hurting me. It may not always be intentional, but it's happening anyway.

Which is making me having some very intense trust issues. If this is what my life is going to be like- why bother ever getting close to anyone- friends, family, whatever. It's just going to end up destroying me.

September 23, 2006 11:16am

BBM made some good additions to my list in comments.

That reminds me of two more.....

When a doctor prescribes something for high cholesterol, high blood pressure, heart disease, kidney problems, or whatever chronic issue one may have, do not stop taking the pills as soon as that problem is under control.

I'm always amazed when I hear a patient say, "Well, now that my cholesterol is better, can I stop taking the medicine and go back to the way I used to eat?" This is not poison ivy. It doesn't just "go away". If you're better it's because the drugs worked so keep taking them!

Another fun one is not finishing a bottle of antibiotics because you feel so gosh darn great after taking it for a week, why bother for two weeks? After all, the only reason they give you extra pills is so that the doctor's office can make more money on your next visit when you get sick again and need another prescription, right? Wrong. If you don't take everything in the bottle, you might have more bacteria hanging out in you- laying low for the right moment to multiply into crazy monsters that are now immune to whatever you tried to kill them with the first time.

And no, you can't give the rest of your pills to your friend Ethel, I don't care how close her symptoms are to yours. You might kill Ethel and then how would you feel?

September 22, 2006 11:13pm

Another weekend...

Still no Stud.

Had a really nice talk with Mike the other night. I hope he's able to come and visit soon.

Tonight, I'm thinking about how tired I am of people at my school complaining. They complain about everything- the bathrooms, the administration, the length of our lectures, the amount of material we have to learn, questions on tests, length of tests, time allowed on tests, when tests are given. ENOUGH ALREADY.

Two years ago when we were all applying to medical school and were just hoping that someplace, any place would take us I bet there were no complaints then. If someone said, "Okay, you can go to medical school, but you have to sit on a wooden bench during lectures for 10 hours each day. You can't ever bring a cushion. You are allowed only one meal of beans and rice daily. You must sleep on a straw mat. these are the conditions, take ir or leave it." Oh I'm sure plenty of them would take it just to be able to be in medical school. Now that they're here- they bitch and moan and complain constantly.

SHUT UP. I'm so tired of people thinking they know how to run a school better than anyone else. That medical students think they know what they need to know and how it should be presented because years and years of medical education obviously hasn't worked. No, we've been producing nothing but horrible doctors in this country. Nobody knows anything. Look at poor Angelina Jolie. She had to go to a 3rd world country to deliver her baby because there weren't any hospitals capable of handling her pregnancy here.

We have some of the best medical care in the world available in this country. And how did we get to that point? That's right, by having people go to medical school, sit on their ass, hear a lecture, and LEARN SOMETHING.

Stop running your mouth and open a book.

Jeez!

On a related note, I get really frustrated when I hear people say "doctors don't know anything". This is usually said by someone who has been to see their doctor complaining of a cough for 6 weeks and the exact cause of it is unknown...therefore making the treatment elusive. The same goes for any other non-descript symptom such as "fatigue", "rash", "flu-like symptoms", and "It hurts here."

It's not that doctors don't know anything. The reason it takes so long to diagnose some people is because there is a shit load of diseases that can cause problems like this. After you eliminate the immediately life-threatening or disabeling, it gets harder and harder to figure out what to do.

Then there are the people who have totally bizarre diseases. They usually end up on a tv show on TLC or on the Discovery Health channel. It makes every doctor who treated them look like a total fool because they try to diagnose and treat them with the more common ailments. Finally, after years and years they go to a specialist somewhere on the other side of the country who diagnoses them immediately as having a rare, strange disease that less than 1,000 people have in the entire country. It also just happens that this person has devoted their career to researching this one disease. They look like a genius, and the poor internist they saw 2 years ago who has never even heard of this problem looks like an idiot.

Not very fair.

When you hear hoofbeats, think horses not zebras.

So if you have a fever and chills and the dr tells you that you have a virus- go home, drink fluids, take tylenol, and rest it is because that works for most people. Sorry if it doesn't work for you, but don't expect anyone to start testing you for rare diseases with unusual presentations just because you think you're so special that you must have something different. While it isn't nice to bring up money, it is a reality and it's just to expensive to order lots of tests on people when it is unlikely that they have something other than the flu.

And one more thing! I know it's our responsibility as your care provider to ask the right questions, but please try to give all the information you can- even if it doesn't seem relevant at the time. For example, "I've had a headache for two days." Might make me think stroke in someone who is over 50 and had high blood pressure. But, if they kindly mention, "The headache started when a brick fell on my head." I can save mayself and them a lot of panic and unnecessary procedures. I know lots of things don't seem relevant, but it doesn't hurt to mention them. Let the Dr decide if it is important or not. If nothing else, it makes for an interesting day. I love a good story!

September 19, 2006 12:00am

Still haven't found The Stud yet. I'm evaluating my options.

I should probably wait until I'm done with school, or at least until I'm back home. There isn't much of a support system here and I think child care would be an issue.

I don't know if I'm 100% serious about this. Maybe more like 85%. I'm always open to new ideas and suggestions, though.

I want out of here. I want a more settled life.

September 17, 2006 6:08pm

Feeling less angry and much better today. :-)

I don't know what gets into me sometimes. Sometimes I'm angry with him. sometimes I feel sorry for him. One consolation is that he has put himself in a ponition to be with someone who lies and manipulates. She got into his head (not much of a challenge) and told him her divorce was finalized....um, a whole 3 weeks after she decided to leave her husband with no notice. Not possible (at least not in NJ).

At least I'm not dating someone who is still married.


Did I mention in another post that I want to have a bunch of kids, but no husband? Well, I am currently beginning my search for the man who will be the father of my bastard children...hencefourth to be called "The Stud".

I only want one Stud. Multiple Studs is far too complicated for me. Too much to keep track of. It's okay if The Stud and I are together. It would be nice if he wanted to be involved in the lives of his bastard children, but I don't expect any kind of financial contribution since I'll be doing well enough on my own. That part would be voluntary. He should be smart and good looking because I sure would hate to have dumb, ugly children!

My sister suggested a sperm bank. Strangely enough, you can order sperm from a sperm bank online! Just go through the catalogue, put in your credit card number, and UPS will send you a spermsicle in a few days.

I don't really like this option, though. Since I want my bastard children to all have the same father, I'd have to stockpile the entire supply from that one guy. And really, where does one keep something like that? I don't even like keeping meat in my freezer for more than a month.

The other problem is that I won't actually know this person. All I will know about them is their eye and hair color, heritage, and what field they work in. They could be very weird looking or have some major personality flaw. I'm not willing to swim in a gene pool like that.

Should I put an ad in the paper for applicants? Should I start by asking men I already know? So many decisions to make!

September 16, 2006 1:12pm

One more thing-

I think the reason that I mentioned DB is because that fuckin "Lips of an Angel" song is on all the time.

I hate, hate, hate that song with every fiber of my being.

Probably because I lived it, but from the other side. I was the girl on the other side of the door who didn't have a clue. I was the one being his from. I was the one being played for a fool.

I keep replaying that night over and over in my head. The night she showed up at the house demanding to see him. I should have thrown him out right there. I should have given him one hour to pack as much shit up as he could and get the hell out then, changed the locks in the morning.

But I didn't. I don't know why now. Maybe I wasn't strong enough to actually do it. Maybe I didn't want to believe any of it. Maybe I was too embarassed to have to tell people what happened and ignoring it seemed like a better option. Maybe I wasn't willing to give up on an 8 year relationship and an engagement that quickly.

Hindsight is 20/20. I could have and should have handled it differently. I should have kicked ass that night, but I didn't. I'm pissed that chance is gone and I won't get to redo it and get the upper hand.

I don't know what would make me feel better. Revenge? Justice? Getting the money back that is owed to me? Any of those would be a start, but probably wouldn't fix the damage that was done.

September 16, 2006 1:01pm

Saturday!

I love Satudays!

I've been kind of a lazy mess for the past two days. Haven't done a whole lot of school work, but I did manage to go grocery shopping, do laundry, mop the kitchen, and vacuum the first floor- so I guess that's progress.

Mike called me last night unexpectedly. I know I haven't mentioned him lately, but all seems to still be well there. I say he called unexpectedly because Fridays and weekends are usually busy for him at work so I normally only hear from him during the week. Anyway, it was a nice surprise. He's been having a tough time lately with some things and he sounded like himself again for the first time in a long time.

He's working out a time to come visit me. That would be nice.

I still have a hard time with how different my life is now than what I thought it would be. Even stranger for me is to be with Mike. Sometimes I actually feel guilty- like I'm doing something wrong. Maybe because we always had feelings for each other for so long, but never could act on them.

One thing that does make me feel better is that I didn't have to lie or cheat or deceive to be with him. Unlike the douche bag I was supposed to (barf) marry, this just happened because it was supposed to right now. I didn't have to hurt anyone to get here.

I still have angry moments over DB. I want him to hurt like I did. Most of all, I want him to understand that what he did was wrong. I don't think that will happen, though, because he doesn't think things on his own. Unless someone tells him it was wrong he will never see it himself. His family won't tell him because his psycho child-like mother is just happy to have her baby boy back home where he belongs that it never occurs to her she raised him to be emotionally 5 years old just like her. His father just stays out of the mess. His friends don't have enough character or backbone to tell him the truth.

I should get back to studying, or maybe I'll go for a walk and enjoy this beautiful day!

September 14, 2006 11:57am

Two days off from school..... so nice! No particular reason for the break, we just don't have classes today or tomorrow.

I have a friend back home who is sick. I've mentioned it before in here. He reads this blog so he knows I'm talking about him.

Anyway, I met him when I started working for him. It's because of him that I figured out what I really want to do as a career. It's because of him that I was able to do the really cool things I did. It's because of him that I feel confident that I'm actually good at something.

And now he's sick and I can't do a thing about it. It's frustrating because when someone has done so much for you (even if they don't know it), you want to return that somehow.

Me hurrying up and becoming a doctor isn't going to help much either so saying, "Well, you'll be a doctor and can help him." isn't a very logical answer though it is well intentioned.

Today is his birthday and he's in the hospital getting more chemo. I can't imagine spending my birthday like that. I know how bummed I was this year to spend my birthday not doing much of anything here, but I really have nothing to complain about.

If you want to know the rest of the story, his link is Local Rapscallion- it's on the right side of this screen also.