I fixed my computer.
No, you don't understand. This is huge.
See, for my entire adult life I have relied on DB to fix problems for me. It didn't matter if it was a flat tire, a funny noise in my car, a busted light bulb, or a computer problem- I always went to him. He fixed things for me.
Now, I don't have that as an option. A month ago, I was a little panicked about what I was going to do when crap happened.
But now I'm starting to see that I really can do a lot for myself.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
March 8, 2006 9:45pm
I feel like crap. It probably has something to do with the fact that I've been averaging about 3 hours of sleep every night, taking an exam every day, and have been eating crap for the past 4 days.
This weekend I'll have a chance to fix myself.
I'm going to spend some time with my sister, Blair. Not sure what we're going to do yet. I guess it will depend on the weather.
One more exam tomorrow and then I can sleep for a long, long time. Well, at least until Friday morning.
No other word from DB. Odd that he would decide that two nights ago is when he would contact me when he didn't for over a month. I can't pretend to understand him. We just don't think on the same level.
This weekend I'll have a chance to fix myself.
I'm going to spend some time with my sister, Blair. Not sure what we're going to do yet. I guess it will depend on the weather.
One more exam tomorrow and then I can sleep for a long, long time. Well, at least until Friday morning.
No other word from DB. Odd that he would decide that two nights ago is when he would contact me when he didn't for over a month. I can't pretend to understand him. We just don't think on the same level.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
March 7, 2006 9:21pm
Got an email from DB last night with a list of all the things he took from the house. Some of it was rather petty- like the fire wood (who does shit like that?). It was funny the way he listed everything. "My TV" "My stereo" "The dishes, pots, and silverware my mother gave me for the apartment". Hmmm. I, me, mine. I don't really care. It was all cheap stuff and the dishes were ass ugly. "The pool table light I made". Um, which he gave me as a gift.
So, I got that email around 11 last night and instantly had a breakdown. Nice. The night before a huge exam during block week. I was talking to a friend of mine at the time and he told me not to read it. Too late. As, N said, "Wow, he really is a douche bag." Yeppers.
I wrote him back, which N said was a mistake. I guess. I asked him why he was so petty to take things that are really only useful in that house (ie the pool table light) and not at his parents' house where he's living now. I also said that since he's insisting on staying at the places we goth go to, then we're going to have to find a way to coexist peacefully.
Blah!
Onto other things. Read Beej's post on random body hairs.
When I was about 20, I started to notice that I was getting these random crazy hairs on parts of me that aren't supposed to have hair...like my cheek, chin, and chest (which Beej very eloquently refers to as Nipskers). There has to be some reason for this. Why did my body just randomly decide "Hey, I think it would be a good idea to have one crazy long hair right THERE." Men don't have this problem. Hair just grows everywhere and it's ok because it's supposed to. It doesn't matter if it's on their legs, arms, chest, back (though that's always gross) or anywhere else. But why does this have to happen to me?
And what's going to happen when I'm 90 years old and don't have the corrdination to tweeze these out anymore? Will someone do it for me? Will they even care in the nursing home? Or will I have to be one of those pathetic creatures with a party hat and a cupcake in front of them on any given holiday? And there I'll be with my crazy hairs coming out of my chin.
That brings me to another topic. Why do we patronize the elderly in nursing homes by putting party hats on them, bows in their hair, and candy necklaces around their neck? It seems to be very commonly done with women there. These are women who have lived through the great depression. They raised families. Many of them had careers as teachers, nurses, and a thousand other things. Some of them lost husbands at a young age and were left alone to take care of their family. And when they're at the end of their life, someone 50 years younger than them has the nerve to stick a bow in their hair. They haven't had a bow in their hair since the age of 4. Why is it necessary to have one at 80 or 90?
So, I got that email around 11 last night and instantly had a breakdown. Nice. The night before a huge exam during block week. I was talking to a friend of mine at the time and he told me not to read it. Too late. As, N said, "Wow, he really is a douche bag." Yeppers.
I wrote him back, which N said was a mistake. I guess. I asked him why he was so petty to take things that are really only useful in that house (ie the pool table light) and not at his parents' house where he's living now. I also said that since he's insisting on staying at the places we goth go to, then we're going to have to find a way to coexist peacefully.
Blah!
Onto other things. Read Beej's post on random body hairs.
When I was about 20, I started to notice that I was getting these random crazy hairs on parts of me that aren't supposed to have hair...like my cheek, chin, and chest (which Beej very eloquently refers to as Nipskers). There has to be some reason for this. Why did my body just randomly decide "Hey, I think it would be a good idea to have one crazy long hair right THERE." Men don't have this problem. Hair just grows everywhere and it's ok because it's supposed to. It doesn't matter if it's on their legs, arms, chest, back (though that's always gross) or anywhere else. But why does this have to happen to me?
And what's going to happen when I'm 90 years old and don't have the corrdination to tweeze these out anymore? Will someone do it for me? Will they even care in the nursing home? Or will I have to be one of those pathetic creatures with a party hat and a cupcake in front of them on any given holiday? And there I'll be with my crazy hairs coming out of my chin.
That brings me to another topic. Why do we patronize the elderly in nursing homes by putting party hats on them, bows in their hair, and candy necklaces around their neck? It seems to be very commonly done with women there. These are women who have lived through the great depression. They raised families. Many of them had careers as teachers, nurses, and a thousand other things. Some of them lost husbands at a young age and were left alone to take care of their family. And when they're at the end of their life, someone 50 years younger than them has the nerve to stick a bow in their hair. They haven't had a bow in their hair since the age of 4. Why is it necessary to have one at 80 or 90?
Monday, March 06, 2006
March 6, 2006 12:25am
I'm having computer issues. That's probably one of the most frustrating things for someone to deal with- especially someone who can't fix their own computer issues.
The fan won't shut off. I start my computer and as soon as I open a program it kicks on. Then it kicks on higher and I swear it actually levitates. Very, very loud Mo Fo! And when the fan is doing that, everything runs slow and I can't really run more than one thing at a time.
And I'm assuming I lost my helpful computer friend in the DB split, so I'm sort of on my own. A friend at school suggested a few things, but I can't really fiddle with it until after exams are over.
I did call Dell and got someone who was probably in Calcutta. He went through his little chart of dumbass things like "try turning it off and then on again" and finally decided he was stumped. Told me he'd call me back in a half hour. That was about two weeks ago. Needless to say, I'd really like to get this fixed without having to make that phone call again.
What else? What else? Hmmmm. I want to go home. I want to be in my house and sleep in my bed. My mom had me order a new comforter and sheet set online and she threw out my old ones. She seemed really, really eager to toss what was there. "Out with the old!" she said. Fresh sheets = fresh start. I guess it is better that I not use the sheets with the stains from where DB had his wisdom teeth out and drooled blood and the white ones that were permanently stained grey because he washed them so infrequently when I wasn't there. Ick!
I value hygiene highly. I think I'm going to add that to my list of qualities I'm looking for in someone. Must be clean. Must love dogs.
Must be gainfully employed.
College educated.
Republican.
Christian- Catholic preferred.
Taller than me.
Like the beach.
And rain storms.
Resemble Colin Firth.
That last one is negotiable.
I wonder if Colin Firth is short. That would be a major bummer.
When I go home, I'm going to eat at all the places I don't have down here....Squan Tavern, Surf Taco, Java Moon Cafe, and any seafood I can get my hands on.
I'm also going to clean out the closets at the house. Fun fun!
Rearrange the kitchen.
Get color samples from the paint store.
Have people over.
I'm sad that it's only a week, but I'll be back again in two months for the summer.
The summer should be fun too. I'll be working on the house, hanging out with friends, spending a ton of time at the beach with Amy, catching up on all the reading I want to do but never have time for and just relaxing.
I want to feel peaceful again.
The fan won't shut off. I start my computer and as soon as I open a program it kicks on. Then it kicks on higher and I swear it actually levitates. Very, very loud Mo Fo! And when the fan is doing that, everything runs slow and I can't really run more than one thing at a time.
And I'm assuming I lost my helpful computer friend in the DB split, so I'm sort of on my own. A friend at school suggested a few things, but I can't really fiddle with it until after exams are over.
I did call Dell and got someone who was probably in Calcutta. He went through his little chart of dumbass things like "try turning it off and then on again" and finally decided he was stumped. Told me he'd call me back in a half hour. That was about two weeks ago. Needless to say, I'd really like to get this fixed without having to make that phone call again.
What else? What else? Hmmmm. I want to go home. I want to be in my house and sleep in my bed. My mom had me order a new comforter and sheet set online and she threw out my old ones. She seemed really, really eager to toss what was there. "Out with the old!" she said. Fresh sheets = fresh start. I guess it is better that I not use the sheets with the stains from where DB had his wisdom teeth out and drooled blood and the white ones that were permanently stained grey because he washed them so infrequently when I wasn't there. Ick!
I value hygiene highly. I think I'm going to add that to my list of qualities I'm looking for in someone. Must be clean. Must love dogs.
Must be gainfully employed.
College educated.
Republican.
Christian- Catholic preferred.
Taller than me.
Like the beach.
And rain storms.
Resemble Colin Firth.
That last one is negotiable.
I wonder if Colin Firth is short. That would be a major bummer.
When I go home, I'm going to eat at all the places I don't have down here....Squan Tavern, Surf Taco, Java Moon Cafe, and any seafood I can get my hands on.
I'm also going to clean out the closets at the house. Fun fun!
Rearrange the kitchen.
Get color samples from the paint store.
Have people over.
I'm sad that it's only a week, but I'll be back again in two months for the summer.
The summer should be fun too. I'll be working on the house, hanging out with friends, spending a ton of time at the beach with Amy, catching up on all the reading I want to do but never have time for and just relaxing.
I want to feel peaceful again.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
March 4, 2006 12:01pm
I'm wondering if DB has ever read this blog. He didn't know it existed. Well, actually, he did know that I opened up my web site again, but he didn't express any interest in looking at it. The only way he would know about this is if someone else told him and he decided to see what I'm saying about him.
I don't mind because I haven't said anything here that I wouldn't say to him directly if he would speak to me. Actually, I'd probably be less inclined to be angry or to draw my own conclusions about things if he would give me honest answers. I've said a lot of things here about him and about our relationship, but every one of them has been true. Since not many people know about this blog, he can't say I'm trying to ruin his reputation. I think he's done a good job of that himself.
Better to be silent and be thought a fool........
So, on to happier thoughts.
Last entry, I wrote about my imaginary friend from when I was a kid.
Do you ever play the "what if" game? Going over possible scenarios in your head and playing them out the way you want them to happen? It can be as simple as a conversation you're going to have with someone or as detailed as a date with Colin Firth.
I think that's how I end up being disappointed, though. I think things will go a certain way and they rarely happen that way.
On the flip side of that, I'm afraid that now I won't want to ever think about anything good because I'm afraid of getting hurt again. It's a fine line between hope and expectation.
But is it always a bad thing to have expectations? Shouldn't there be some basic expectations in a relationship? Honesty? Loyalty? Continuity- that if everything is ok one day it will still be ok the next day? That things stay roughly the same, or if they do change that you're in it together and you're not getting whacked between the eyes. Or if there is a change or a problem then it is addressed early- before it escalates and spins out of control.
Bah! Sidetracked again! Happy things!
I bought a really great sweater the other day. There's something really wonderful about putting something on that makes you look and feel fabulous. It makes the whole day just a little bit better. Especially if you know you got it for 75% off from Overstock.com!
Blocks are coming. I have exams this week.
I was watching some tv show on E!. Not sure what it's called, but it has Lisa Loeb in it. And she's still got those weird glasses. Anyway, it's apparently a reality show about her trying to find love. So she goes on all these dates and keeps ending up with weird guys. Last I knew, she was with Dweezil Zappa forever, but I guess they broke up. Never, ever date a guy with a funny name. It indicates there's some weird family issues. So, in the episode that I saw, she has this guy friend who she hangs out with all the time. She's always complaining about how bad her dates are, etc etc. And then they're at this party where she's flirting with different men and the friend is getting jealous. He starts being really playful with her and trying to feed her cheese and he kisses her. The episode ended with a voiceover of her saying something about finding love that's always been right in front of you, waiting for the right moment.
The previews for next episode show them at a sperm bank, so I don't really get where that's going.
Anyway, so is that really possible? That the perfect person is right in front of you and you'd never know it. Is it better to be friends first? Or does that put unnecessary pressure on the relationship because if it doesn't work out, you lose a friend too? Does it make the relationship move faster because you already know so much about each other? Is it like starting a book at Chapter 5?
These are all questions I'm wrestling with at the moment, so any input is appreciated.
My current thoughts are that it is better to be friends first. In fact, that might even put less pressure on the relationship because it wouldn't have changed to the "more than friends" stage if there wasn't already an attraction. That's different from going out with someone who you just met and know nothing about. In that case, the attraction may be just physical or based on the little bit that you do know about each other. Then you go out and realize that he listens to Kenny G and the attraction is all gone.
I think it probably does make the relationship move faster- meaning physically and emotionally- because you're already comfortable with each other. But it's still new, because you're getting to know each other in a different way.
I don't mind because I haven't said anything here that I wouldn't say to him directly if he would speak to me. Actually, I'd probably be less inclined to be angry or to draw my own conclusions about things if he would give me honest answers. I've said a lot of things here about him and about our relationship, but every one of them has been true. Since not many people know about this blog, he can't say I'm trying to ruin his reputation. I think he's done a good job of that himself.
Better to be silent and be thought a fool........
So, on to happier thoughts.
Last entry, I wrote about my imaginary friend from when I was a kid.
Do you ever play the "what if" game? Going over possible scenarios in your head and playing them out the way you want them to happen? It can be as simple as a conversation you're going to have with someone or as detailed as a date with Colin Firth.
I think that's how I end up being disappointed, though. I think things will go a certain way and they rarely happen that way.
On the flip side of that, I'm afraid that now I won't want to ever think about anything good because I'm afraid of getting hurt again. It's a fine line between hope and expectation.
But is it always a bad thing to have expectations? Shouldn't there be some basic expectations in a relationship? Honesty? Loyalty? Continuity- that if everything is ok one day it will still be ok the next day? That things stay roughly the same, or if they do change that you're in it together and you're not getting whacked between the eyes. Or if there is a change or a problem then it is addressed early- before it escalates and spins out of control.
Bah! Sidetracked again! Happy things!
I bought a really great sweater the other day. There's something really wonderful about putting something on that makes you look and feel fabulous. It makes the whole day just a little bit better. Especially if you know you got it for 75% off from Overstock.com!
Blocks are coming. I have exams this week.
I was watching some tv show on E!. Not sure what it's called, but it has Lisa Loeb in it. And she's still got those weird glasses. Anyway, it's apparently a reality show about her trying to find love. So she goes on all these dates and keeps ending up with weird guys. Last I knew, she was with Dweezil Zappa forever, but I guess they broke up. Never, ever date a guy with a funny name. It indicates there's some weird family issues. So, in the episode that I saw, she has this guy friend who she hangs out with all the time. She's always complaining about how bad her dates are, etc etc. And then they're at this party where she's flirting with different men and the friend is getting jealous. He starts being really playful with her and trying to feed her cheese and he kisses her. The episode ended with a voiceover of her saying something about finding love that's always been right in front of you, waiting for the right moment.
The previews for next episode show them at a sperm bank, so I don't really get where that's going.
Anyway, so is that really possible? That the perfect person is right in front of you and you'd never know it. Is it better to be friends first? Or does that put unnecessary pressure on the relationship because if it doesn't work out, you lose a friend too? Does it make the relationship move faster because you already know so much about each other? Is it like starting a book at Chapter 5?
These are all questions I'm wrestling with at the moment, so any input is appreciated.
My current thoughts are that it is better to be friends first. In fact, that might even put less pressure on the relationship because it wouldn't have changed to the "more than friends" stage if there wasn't already an attraction. That's different from going out with someone who you just met and know nothing about. In that case, the attraction may be just physical or based on the little bit that you do know about each other. Then you go out and realize that he listens to Kenny G and the attraction is all gone.
I think it probably does make the relationship move faster- meaning physically and emotionally- because you're already comfortable with each other. But it's still new, because you're getting to know each other in a different way.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
March 2, 2006 6:21pm
Dinner....dinner...dinner.... why is it always such a pain to figure out dinner? No other meal of the day gives people so much grief as dinner.
What if switched our eating habits and ate dinner food for breakfast? Would this be easier? We would have a big meal first thing in the morning when we're awake and alert and looking forward to the day. Then, at 6:00 when life is just shitty we could grab a bowl of cereal and a powerbar.
I have a friend who is sick. He's really sick, actually, and I'm worried about him but can't do anything about it from here. I couldn't do anything about it even if I was back home anyway. He's been through a lot and it makes me realize how lucky I really am to have the life that I have. The last month and a half have been crappy, no doubt, but for the most part, life is good for me. I don't have a lot of worries- nor should I.
I'd hate to spend a lifetime worrying about things I have no control over only to end up with some major problem one day that actually is worth worrying about. By then I will have used up all of my worrying ability and crossed right into full blown panic. What's worse is that I would have wasted plenty of good time worrying about other stuff and then when life really gets miserable, I'll feel even worse. Then I'll never have anything good to look back on because I've just been a basket case as far as I can think back.
So, no worries. At least not now.
It's hard to not worry, though, because I've always had a plan. Changes are okay and I adjust my plan accordingly. But there's always been a plan in place. And everything in my life was integrated into this plan. School, house, DB, career, pets, kids, flower garden, you name it. All part of my plan. Yeah, I'm a micromanager. It's really difficult for me to give up those reigns and just let my life play out.
My plan is a little different now. I still have a general idea, I guess. Finish medical school then do an internship and residency and fellowship. Buy out my house from my mother. Get a dog. The whole marriage and family aspect of it is up in the air now. I don't have a strategic plan for that anymore. It's sort of a nice feeling to know that anything could happen. But it's also scary because- anything could happen.
I like to daydream and my plans always gave me something to daydream about. One of my favorites was thinking about DB and I in our home. Sitting by the fireplace or out on the deck when it is cool out with one of those outdoor metal fire pits. A dog and a kid or two..or three. Boring life, I guess, but perfect and comfortable.
I still want that, but I'm afraid to think about it. Mostly because I don't have the husband to put in that picture. I could always insert Colin Firth. But that accent would lead me to a totally different kind of daydream! More importantly, it's not going to happen and I tend to get my hopes wrapped up in my daydreams. Putting someone in that dream is just setting myself up for disappointment and heartbreak again.
I used to have this teddy bear. A panda bear. My nanny bought him for me. I can't remember where we were, but I saw it and wanted it. I'm pretty sure I still have it somewhere back at the house. Anyway, the bear never had a name until I got a crush on a boy at school in 1st grade. Then he became Michael the panda bear. I would take him all over the house and we would watch movies and read books and sit outside and play. And on some level it made me feel like the actual kid was there hanging out with me. Now I still do that in a more socially acceptable way with my daydreams.
I also had an imaginary friend when I was little. Her name was Kate. She was everything I wasn't and she could do everything I was too afraid to do. She was petite - I was always the tallest and fattest in the class. She could ride a two wheeler before I could. She could rollerskate better than I could. She could climb higher in the trees than I could. But she always taught me how to do those things and encouraged me. She never had to do homework, though.
If I get more time, I'll write more memories from my childhood. I feel like I'm on a roll and I'm enjoying this.
What if switched our eating habits and ate dinner food for breakfast? Would this be easier? We would have a big meal first thing in the morning when we're awake and alert and looking forward to the day. Then, at 6:00 when life is just shitty we could grab a bowl of cereal and a powerbar.
I have a friend who is sick. He's really sick, actually, and I'm worried about him but can't do anything about it from here. I couldn't do anything about it even if I was back home anyway. He's been through a lot and it makes me realize how lucky I really am to have the life that I have. The last month and a half have been crappy, no doubt, but for the most part, life is good for me. I don't have a lot of worries- nor should I.
I'd hate to spend a lifetime worrying about things I have no control over only to end up with some major problem one day that actually is worth worrying about. By then I will have used up all of my worrying ability and crossed right into full blown panic. What's worse is that I would have wasted plenty of good time worrying about other stuff and then when life really gets miserable, I'll feel even worse. Then I'll never have anything good to look back on because I've just been a basket case as far as I can think back.
So, no worries. At least not now.
It's hard to not worry, though, because I've always had a plan. Changes are okay and I adjust my plan accordingly. But there's always been a plan in place. And everything in my life was integrated into this plan. School, house, DB, career, pets, kids, flower garden, you name it. All part of my plan. Yeah, I'm a micromanager. It's really difficult for me to give up those reigns and just let my life play out.
My plan is a little different now. I still have a general idea, I guess. Finish medical school then do an internship and residency and fellowship. Buy out my house from my mother. Get a dog. The whole marriage and family aspect of it is up in the air now. I don't have a strategic plan for that anymore. It's sort of a nice feeling to know that anything could happen. But it's also scary because- anything could happen.
I like to daydream and my plans always gave me something to daydream about. One of my favorites was thinking about DB and I in our home. Sitting by the fireplace or out on the deck when it is cool out with one of those outdoor metal fire pits. A dog and a kid or two..or three. Boring life, I guess, but perfect and comfortable.
I still want that, but I'm afraid to think about it. Mostly because I don't have the husband to put in that picture. I could always insert Colin Firth. But that accent would lead me to a totally different kind of daydream! More importantly, it's not going to happen and I tend to get my hopes wrapped up in my daydreams. Putting someone in that dream is just setting myself up for disappointment and heartbreak again.
I used to have this teddy bear. A panda bear. My nanny bought him for me. I can't remember where we were, but I saw it and wanted it. I'm pretty sure I still have it somewhere back at the house. Anyway, the bear never had a name until I got a crush on a boy at school in 1st grade. Then he became Michael the panda bear. I would take him all over the house and we would watch movies and read books and sit outside and play. And on some level it made me feel like the actual kid was there hanging out with me. Now I still do that in a more socially acceptable way with my daydreams.
I also had an imaginary friend when I was little. Her name was Kate. She was everything I wasn't and she could do everything I was too afraid to do. She was petite - I was always the tallest and fattest in the class. She could ride a two wheeler before I could. She could rollerskate better than I could. She could climb higher in the trees than I could. But she always taught me how to do those things and encouraged me. She never had to do homework, though.
If I get more time, I'll write more memories from my childhood. I feel like I'm on a roll and I'm enjoying this.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
March 1, 2006 4:51pm
As I said in another post, it's really amazing how your life just changes in the blink of an eye.
Three months ago, I never, ever could have predicted what my life would be like now. I was blissfully planning a wedding. Hell, 24 hours before he came down to end our relationship I couldn't have predicted it since he talked to me as if there was nothing wrong.
For the most part, I'm ok. Those first few days, though, I didn't know how I was ever going to feel like myself again. I was truly scared that so much of me was wrapped up with him that I didn't know who I was anymore.
It's difficult, because I will never get the kind of closure I'm looking for. I'll never get honest answers to the questions I have.
He said he finally realized how much he missed his family. And I guess I was keeping him from that? I don't know how other than that with me he lived a whole 10 miles away from them.
He was mad at me for not being what he wanted- someone who would stay home with his kids and take care of him and them. That would be fine if that's the life I wanted, but it isn't. And he might want to think about getting a job that makes more than $11 an hour if he wants that life. I doubt he'll have a mother in-law who will support him like my mom did. I am not June Cleaver, and I never will be.
So, the only thing I did wrong was to be myself. Why did it take him 8 years and an engagement to decide that who I am is so horrible?
And I don't think I'm such a bad person. I have some habits and qualities that I'm not always proud of, but I don't think that makes me so terrible overall. Nobody is perfect. Plus, some other people think I'm pretty darn cool.
Life will be ok. One day I'll meet someone who is proud of who I am and isn't angry with me for moving 500 miles away. Well, probably by then I won't be 500 miles away nor will I be moving again, but you get the general idea.
Know what I hate about money? That it runs out. Granted, it is a somewhat renewable resource. But that doesn't help me now that I don't have a job and won't have one for another 3 years.
there isn't a lot of stuff that I want or need. But there's little stuff that I want...cd's, movies, food from Bob Evans...and I need money to get them, but don't have much of it.
Though I have developed quite a taste for Ramen.
Three months ago, I never, ever could have predicted what my life would be like now. I was blissfully planning a wedding. Hell, 24 hours before he came down to end our relationship I couldn't have predicted it since he talked to me as if there was nothing wrong.
For the most part, I'm ok. Those first few days, though, I didn't know how I was ever going to feel like myself again. I was truly scared that so much of me was wrapped up with him that I didn't know who I was anymore.
It's difficult, because I will never get the kind of closure I'm looking for. I'll never get honest answers to the questions I have.
He said he finally realized how much he missed his family. And I guess I was keeping him from that? I don't know how other than that with me he lived a whole 10 miles away from them.
He was mad at me for not being what he wanted- someone who would stay home with his kids and take care of him and them. That would be fine if that's the life I wanted, but it isn't. And he might want to think about getting a job that makes more than $11 an hour if he wants that life. I doubt he'll have a mother in-law who will support him like my mom did. I am not June Cleaver, and I never will be.
So, the only thing I did wrong was to be myself. Why did it take him 8 years and an engagement to decide that who I am is so horrible?
And I don't think I'm such a bad person. I have some habits and qualities that I'm not always proud of, but I don't think that makes me so terrible overall. Nobody is perfect. Plus, some other people think I'm pretty darn cool.
Life will be ok. One day I'll meet someone who is proud of who I am and isn't angry with me for moving 500 miles away. Well, probably by then I won't be 500 miles away nor will I be moving again, but you get the general idea.
Know what I hate about money? That it runs out. Granted, it is a somewhat renewable resource. But that doesn't help me now that I don't have a job and won't have one for another 3 years.
there isn't a lot of stuff that I want or need. But there's little stuff that I want...cd's, movies, food from Bob Evans...and I need money to get them, but don't have much of it.
Though I have developed quite a taste for Ramen.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
February 28, 2006 1:30am
Why do people have to be so awful to each other?
I have come to the conclusion that most people are genuinely good at heart, but just have absolutely no sense. That is the only thing that can account for why seemingly good people can go so very bad in the blink of an eye. And I know my situation is not unique since I have a friend who just went through something similar. Two, actually.
I miss Jersey.
New Jersey is the best place to live. Nevermind the corruption, high taxes, and absurd car insurance. That can all be forgotten with one bite of a pork roll egg and cheese sandwich. Pure heaven on a bun, or bagel as it may be. My preference is for a sesame seed bagel, should anyone be looking to get me breakfast one Sunday morning.
Sunday morning rain is falling
I would love to wake up on a Sunday morning and have someone go out to get breakfast for us. The key, of course, is to know exactly what I'd want without actually having to wake me to find out. Extra points if they know which newspapers I read and just how I like my coffee.
Steal some covers share some skin
I wrote in an old post that I had a comfortable groove before I left for school and I was scared I wouldn't get it back. If I only knew then. But, I think I need a new groove. One that includes what I just said.
Clouds are shrounding us in moments unforgetable
Because that comfortable feeling you have with someone who knows you so well that they don't have to ask how you want your eggs, which side of the bed you sleep on, if you like red or blue, pepsi or coke and what your hair smells like just can't be replaced by anything else. Nothing is that comfortable. It's like that blanket you had when you were a kid that was always the perfect temperature. It kept you warm in the winter and it was cool to the touch in the summer. The colors and print were slightly faded and it always smelled like fabric softener.
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
A comfortable groove.
I have come to the conclusion that most people are genuinely good at heart, but just have absolutely no sense. That is the only thing that can account for why seemingly good people can go so very bad in the blink of an eye. And I know my situation is not unique since I have a friend who just went through something similar. Two, actually.
I miss Jersey.
New Jersey is the best place to live. Nevermind the corruption, high taxes, and absurd car insurance. That can all be forgotten with one bite of a pork roll egg and cheese sandwich. Pure heaven on a bun, or bagel as it may be. My preference is for a sesame seed bagel, should anyone be looking to get me breakfast one Sunday morning.
Sunday morning rain is falling
I would love to wake up on a Sunday morning and have someone go out to get breakfast for us. The key, of course, is to know exactly what I'd want without actually having to wake me to find out. Extra points if they know which newspapers I read and just how I like my coffee.
Steal some covers share some skin
I wrote in an old post that I had a comfortable groove before I left for school and I was scared I wouldn't get it back. If I only knew then. But, I think I need a new groove. One that includes what I just said.
Clouds are shrounding us in moments unforgetable
Because that comfortable feeling you have with someone who knows you so well that they don't have to ask how you want your eggs, which side of the bed you sleep on, if you like red or blue, pepsi or coke and what your hair smells like just can't be replaced by anything else. Nothing is that comfortable. It's like that blanket you had when you were a kid that was always the perfect temperature. It kept you warm in the winter and it was cool to the touch in the summer. The colors and print were slightly faded and it always smelled like fabric softener.
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
A comfortable groove.
Friday, February 24, 2006
February 24, 2006 3:16pm
Once again, my blog was invaded by some pests. Oh well.
I've narrowed it down to tow people. One being a weirdo on a message board I occasionally post on. The other is a friend of DB's who, well, let's just say is very much like him.....nothing special or worth getting upset over.
There are only a few people who call me "Liz" and the pest posts called me that. I can eliminate all of my friends so that leaves only people on a message board I go to and most of DB's friends.
I know all of the friends who we had mutually but who were really *more* his friends than mine have decided to take sides. That's okay. In most instances, it isn't a really great loss to me. But, for the two in particular who I really enjoyed spending time with-I'm kinda sad about that. I don't know, maybe it's weird for them too since we all got along so well and now it's all over.
One of these pest posts made reference to who helped DB paint the dining room. Frankly, I really don't care if he had strippers and drug dealers painting with him. It means I don't have to do it and hey, free labor is always good! And I don't care who or what he is or is not seeing or doing right now. So you can make all the comments you want about his "new girlfriend", and it really doesn't matter. Our relationship is over and nothing that happens next can sting any more than that.
As far as he realizing he is too good for me? He may think that. Actually, wait, he hasn't had an original thought in his head since..well, ever. So, someone told him that. That's fine. He can think whatever he wants. And the people who are at his level will think the same . It has nothing to do with being "too good", but just not being in the same place in our lives and going in totally different directions.
Regardless, it does not excuse how he chose to handle this and lie to me. Everything else I can pity him for. That, well, that's where the blinding rage comes from.
So, onto nicer things.....
Well, diseased things at least. I have a pathology exam on Monday so most of my weekend will be tied up with that. And I have a friend who I'm going to spend some time with while he's bummed.
School is sanity for me.
And so is redecorating! I've been working out some ideas in my head for stuff to do with the house. I'm going to redo the Great Room. Right now, it has a pool table in it. I don't want to get rid of that because people tend to gravitate to it and it's a nice thing when entertaining. But I'm going to paint over the really dark wood on the ceiling and on the wood border around the room. That should lighten it up a bit. Some French doors will give it a bit of formality. I'm going to go with a wine and game theme and put in a wine refrigerator/rack and some kickin' art. I found this great contemporary artist.... Leanne Laine
I hope to get some of her pieces in that room.
Also need to redo the master bedroom. I want to paint it a neutral color like beige and then add accents in bright red. I already got a new bed set from Overstock and I'm scowering the internet for some interesting red art or accent pieces.
Decorating a house is fun. I like looking for bargains and new ideas. I'm so glad I decided not to sell the house. I think Amy would have kicked my ass if I decided to sell the place. That's my home damnit! It's not as if DB and I had a lifetime of memories in it together. I was there for two weeks with him and for most of those two weeks he was moody, ignored me, or snapped at everything I said. Happy times! It really is a kick ass house. I'll put up pictures after spring break.
I'm also going to redo the master bathroom. It has (and no, I'm not making this up) a pink heart shaped spa tub it in. Oh, but it gets better... the air that comes into the tub to bubble it is vented from the outside. So, I had a blast sitting in that in December. That thing needs to go. I don't know how they'll get it out of the bathroom, much less out of the house. I want to replace it with an awesomely huge shower.
Honestly, why shouldn't I be happy right now? I have an awesome house to go home to. I have a blindingly bright future. I have some of the coolest friends anyone could ask for.
To quote Roberto Benigni: "Life is Beautiful".
I've narrowed it down to tow people. One being a weirdo on a message board I occasionally post on. The other is a friend of DB's who, well, let's just say is very much like him.....nothing special or worth getting upset over.
There are only a few people who call me "Liz" and the pest posts called me that. I can eliminate all of my friends so that leaves only people on a message board I go to and most of DB's friends.
I know all of the friends who we had mutually but who were really *more* his friends than mine have decided to take sides. That's okay. In most instances, it isn't a really great loss to me. But, for the two in particular who I really enjoyed spending time with-I'm kinda sad about that. I don't know, maybe it's weird for them too since we all got along so well and now it's all over.
One of these pest posts made reference to who helped DB paint the dining room. Frankly, I really don't care if he had strippers and drug dealers painting with him. It means I don't have to do it and hey, free labor is always good! And I don't care who or what he is or is not seeing or doing right now. So you can make all the comments you want about his "new girlfriend", and it really doesn't matter. Our relationship is over and nothing that happens next can sting any more than that.
As far as he realizing he is too good for me? He may think that. Actually, wait, he hasn't had an original thought in his head since..well, ever. So, someone told him that. That's fine. He can think whatever he wants. And the people who are at his level will think the same . It has nothing to do with being "too good", but just not being in the same place in our lives and going in totally different directions.
Regardless, it does not excuse how he chose to handle this and lie to me. Everything else I can pity him for. That, well, that's where the blinding rage comes from.
So, onto nicer things.....
Well, diseased things at least. I have a pathology exam on Monday so most of my weekend will be tied up with that. And I have a friend who I'm going to spend some time with while he's bummed.
School is sanity for me.
And so is redecorating! I've been working out some ideas in my head for stuff to do with the house. I'm going to redo the Great Room. Right now, it has a pool table in it. I don't want to get rid of that because people tend to gravitate to it and it's a nice thing when entertaining. But I'm going to paint over the really dark wood on the ceiling and on the wood border around the room. That should lighten it up a bit. Some French doors will give it a bit of formality. I'm going to go with a wine and game theme and put in a wine refrigerator/rack and some kickin' art. I found this great contemporary artist.... Leanne Laine
I hope to get some of her pieces in that room.
Also need to redo the master bedroom. I want to paint it a neutral color like beige and then add accents in bright red. I already got a new bed set from Overstock and I'm scowering the internet for some interesting red art or accent pieces.
Decorating a house is fun. I like looking for bargains and new ideas. I'm so glad I decided not to sell the house. I think Amy would have kicked my ass if I decided to sell the place. That's my home damnit! It's not as if DB and I had a lifetime of memories in it together. I was there for two weeks with him and for most of those two weeks he was moody, ignored me, or snapped at everything I said. Happy times! It really is a kick ass house. I'll put up pictures after spring break.
I'm also going to redo the master bathroom. It has (and no, I'm not making this up) a pink heart shaped spa tub it in. Oh, but it gets better... the air that comes into the tub to bubble it is vented from the outside. So, I had a blast sitting in that in December. That thing needs to go. I don't know how they'll get it out of the bathroom, much less out of the house. I want to replace it with an awesomely huge shower.
Honestly, why shouldn't I be happy right now? I have an awesome house to go home to. I have a blindingly bright future. I have some of the coolest friends anyone could ask for.
To quote Roberto Benigni: "Life is Beautiful".
Thursday, February 23, 2006
February 23, 2006 11:40am
So, despite the douche bag saying that he would leave it up to me if he stayed at the places where we are likely to be together (squad, race track) apparently he has decided to go back on that too.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised since he has become so adept at bullshit. Actually, it's not that he's any good at it he just can't help himself.
He always lied to me the way a little kid lies about brushing their teeth or cleaning their room. Not until recently did he start telling lies about important things. I was always able to see through it because it isn't hard to see through the lies of an idiot, but I guess I was just willing to overlook it.
Wow, now I see who really was settling for who.
So, a hard lesson for me to learn is that someone is either completely open and honest all the time or they never are. Accepting anything less than complete honesty at all times is just, well, stupid.
He was just a bad person and I'm usually a much better judge of character than that. I can usually pick people right out...asshole...loser.....arrogant. But this was tougher. Maybe because we were together for so long. The longer you know someone the easier it is to overlook the things about them that you don't like.
Oh well, it looks like there's no avoiding bumping into him now. He might find it awkward, though, because I'm starting to see what people who we work with and socialize with really think of him. I used to defend him a lot, but I don't have to any more. In some cases, people accepted him because of me- so with that being over now, his work environment may be a bit uncomfortable knowing what people are saying behind his back.
But, maybe he likes being the sucker. He was never very good at commanding respect, which is why the cop thing is kinda weird for him. Not that he seems to be going anywhere with it anyway.
Lord in heaven what was I thinking?
Security maybe?
He was safe. Our relationship was safe. It was easy.
I need someone to challenge me.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised since he has become so adept at bullshit. Actually, it's not that he's any good at it he just can't help himself.
He always lied to me the way a little kid lies about brushing their teeth or cleaning their room. Not until recently did he start telling lies about important things. I was always able to see through it because it isn't hard to see through the lies of an idiot, but I guess I was just willing to overlook it.
Wow, now I see who really was settling for who.
So, a hard lesson for me to learn is that someone is either completely open and honest all the time or they never are. Accepting anything less than complete honesty at all times is just, well, stupid.
He was just a bad person and I'm usually a much better judge of character than that. I can usually pick people right out...asshole...loser.....arrogant. But this was tougher. Maybe because we were together for so long. The longer you know someone the easier it is to overlook the things about them that you don't like.
Oh well, it looks like there's no avoiding bumping into him now. He might find it awkward, though, because I'm starting to see what people who we work with and socialize with really think of him. I used to defend him a lot, but I don't have to any more. In some cases, people accepted him because of me- so with that being over now, his work environment may be a bit uncomfortable knowing what people are saying behind his back.
But, maybe he likes being the sucker. He was never very good at commanding respect, which is why the cop thing is kinda weird for him. Not that he seems to be going anywhere with it anyway.
Lord in heaven what was I thinking?
Security maybe?
He was safe. Our relationship was safe. It was easy.
I need someone to challenge me.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
February 19, 2006 11:46pm
Why is it that when I mention the possibility of dating again, people always jump in with "Don't rush anything. You have plenty of time. Let yourself heal."?
Is there a set mourning period I'm supposed to wait? Remember, I'm not the one who left the relationship.
God forbid I see some hottie on TV and say "wow, look at his ass". My mom jumps in with, "There's no rush, sweetie, you'll find someone."
Right. I know there's no rush. But aren't I the best judge of when I'm "ready"?
And what exactly is it that I have to be ready for? To get married? Step right up, gentlemen, here you have a desperate woman looking for a husband.
Yeah, that'll get 'em running.
Ready for, um, well, ya know?
Hell, who isn't. But we can't all be sluts or there wouldn't be anyone to make fun of.
Or ready to look? To go out with people? To see what's out there? To enjoy the company of people who want to want to be around me and think I'm a super diva? And if those people happen to be single men then what's the problem?
To everyone who seems to be worried about me jumping into the arms of whoever comes along: Fear Not! I have a long and careful selection process that involves several security clearance levels and a trip to Victoria's Secret to weed out those who are quick to buy the strappy corset teddy and not also get a comfy pajama set to off set it.
More importantly, I'm not a cruel person and I wouldn't want to drag a complete stranger (or worse yet, someone I really care about) though my emotional upheaval, or use them just to fill lonely nights.
That being said, thanks for caring. :-)
Is there a set mourning period I'm supposed to wait? Remember, I'm not the one who left the relationship.
God forbid I see some hottie on TV and say "wow, look at his ass". My mom jumps in with, "There's no rush, sweetie, you'll find someone."
Right. I know there's no rush. But aren't I the best judge of when I'm "ready"?
And what exactly is it that I have to be ready for? To get married? Step right up, gentlemen, here you have a desperate woman looking for a husband.
Yeah, that'll get 'em running.
Ready for, um, well, ya know?
Hell, who isn't. But we can't all be sluts or there wouldn't be anyone to make fun of.
Or ready to look? To go out with people? To see what's out there? To enjoy the company of people who want to want to be around me and think I'm a super diva? And if those people happen to be single men then what's the problem?
To everyone who seems to be worried about me jumping into the arms of whoever comes along: Fear Not! I have a long and careful selection process that involves several security clearance levels and a trip to Victoria's Secret to weed out those who are quick to buy the strappy corset teddy and not also get a comfy pajama set to off set it.
More importantly, I'm not a cruel person and I wouldn't want to drag a complete stranger (or worse yet, someone I really care about) though my emotional upheaval, or use them just to fill lonely nights.
That being said, thanks for caring. :-)
Friday, February 17, 2006
February 17, 2006 9:25pm
Are some men actually sincere when they talk to women? I'm not asking that rhetorically. I actually want to know if some truly are sincere and it's just the jerks who spoil it for everyone.
Let's say, hypothetically, that someone says some really flattering and wonderful things to me. Let's also say that I have a friend who indicates that men will just say anything to get a woman into bed. This hypothetical friend is also a man, so one would think that he would know. But, he isn't one to be insincere and if he said something to a woman, I'm quite confident he would mean it completely. He has even expressed his disgust at men in general for their treatment of women.
This is all hypothetical, of course.
Now, let's go back to the hypothetical person who is hypothetically making me melt. Do I believe him? In all the time I've known him he has never been a dishonest person or one to just say things to a woman without meaning it.
Cutting out the hypotheticals.....
Something really amazing is happening right now. I'm over the moon happy and I can't even describe why.
Maybe because I'm starting to see what it may be like to be in an adult relationship. It means being able to discuss things and not have to explain the big words, be able to enjoy the company of someone and not feel responsible for them, and never have to worry about how they will behave in public.
On the other hand, what if I turn out to be the one who is behind? If my life is in a different place than theirs and I feel like I need to catch up.
No need to worry about all that right now. Nothing is happening at the moment.
I'm just feeling very content with my life right now.
Let's say, hypothetically, that someone says some really flattering and wonderful things to me. Let's also say that I have a friend who indicates that men will just say anything to get a woman into bed. This hypothetical friend is also a man, so one would think that he would know. But, he isn't one to be insincere and if he said something to a woman, I'm quite confident he would mean it completely. He has even expressed his disgust at men in general for their treatment of women.
This is all hypothetical, of course.
Now, let's go back to the hypothetical person who is hypothetically making me melt. Do I believe him? In all the time I've known him he has never been a dishonest person or one to just say things to a woman without meaning it.
Cutting out the hypotheticals.....
Something really amazing is happening right now. I'm over the moon happy and I can't even describe why.
Maybe because I'm starting to see what it may be like to be in an adult relationship. It means being able to discuss things and not have to explain the big words, be able to enjoy the company of someone and not feel responsible for them, and never have to worry about how they will behave in public.
On the other hand, what if I turn out to be the one who is behind? If my life is in a different place than theirs and I feel like I need to catch up.
No need to worry about all that right now. Nothing is happening at the moment.
I'm just feeling very content with my life right now.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
February 15, 2006 8:14pm
Do you think there's such a thing as fate or destiny? That there really is a reason for everything. The whole "ripple effect"- someone sleeps through their alarm and has to rush to work. They get in a car accident on the way there because they are brushing their hair while driving and are taken to the emergency room where they meet a fabulous doctor, get married, and have a child who cures cancer. If they didn't oversleep that morning then none of it would have happened.
I don't know. I thought we create our own destiny. I want to be a doctor so I got myself into medical school. If I want a new shoes then I find the ones I want and buy them. I don't wait for them to fall out of the sky on my doorstep.
Lately, though, when I think back on many of the seemingly inconsequential things I have said or done I notice that they have had a huge impact on my life later on.
In a way, that scares me. I feel like I have to worry about every little thing I do because later it might come back to haunt me. It may come back to be something wonderful, though.
There are two pictures from Monongahela National Forest. There's something very peaceful about living here.
I don't know. I thought we create our own destiny. I want to be a doctor so I got myself into medical school. If I want a new shoes then I find the ones I want and buy them. I don't wait for them to fall out of the sky on my doorstep.
Lately, though, when I think back on many of the seemingly inconsequential things I have said or done I notice that they have had a huge impact on my life later on.
In a way, that scares me. I feel like I have to worry about every little thing I do because later it might come back to haunt me. It may come back to be something wonderful, though.
There are two pictures from Monongahela National Forest. There's something very peaceful about living here.
Monday, February 13, 2006
February 13, 2006 10:28pm
Had a great weekend with the snow and mom here.
I'm feeling really good lately. I want to get back to eating better now that exams are over and I have more time. I'm just feeling really happy...like myself again.
Also enjoying the company of my friends and keeping in touch better than I have in the past. It feels good to connect with people again.
Have some plans for the house this summer. My mom is helping me replace some of the ::ahem:: missing items in the house- starting with the couch so it can be more comfortable when I get back there over break.
Oooooh, I can't wait to get some good pizza back at home!
I'm feeling really good lately. I want to get back to eating better now that exams are over and I have more time. I'm just feeling really happy...like myself again.
Also enjoying the company of my friends and keeping in touch better than I have in the past. It feels good to connect with people again.
Have some plans for the house this summer. My mom is helping me replace some of the ::ahem:: missing items in the house- starting with the couch so it can be more comfortable when I get back there over break.
Oooooh, I can't wait to get some good pizza back at home!
Thursday, February 09, 2006
February 9, 2006 5:10pm
I'm almost afraid to say this.
I feel free.
Somewhere in me, beneath those moments of blinding rage, numbness, and confusion, there is an incredible feeling of freedom.
I hate myself for feeling that way.
I don't mean freedom to go wild, I just feel like for the first time in years I don't have to worry about someone else.
I like caring about someone, thinking about them, wondering what they're doing, worrying when apropriate. But I didn't like having to worry the way a parent worries if their child will get through school, get a job, become self-sufficient.
If I was a parent, I think it would be less annoying to feel that way and more a labor of love. But when you feel that way about the person you are sharing your life with, it's stressful. Very stressful.
So blocks are almost over. I managed to pass physiology. Biochem today wasn't too traumatic. Tomorrow is nutrition.
My mom is coming to visit this weekend. I'm so happy to see her.
Though, I am rather proud of myself for surviving this on my own. Of course, I had lots of support from my friends and family, but I stayed right where I am and didn't run home. I didn't leave school. I worked through the problem and came out the other end even stronger for it.
Hmmm, better than some people I know.
Yeah, I'm awesome.
I feel free.
Somewhere in me, beneath those moments of blinding rage, numbness, and confusion, there is an incredible feeling of freedom.
I hate myself for feeling that way.
I don't mean freedom to go wild, I just feel like for the first time in years I don't have to worry about someone else.
I like caring about someone, thinking about them, wondering what they're doing, worrying when apropriate. But I didn't like having to worry the way a parent worries if their child will get through school, get a job, become self-sufficient.
If I was a parent, I think it would be less annoying to feel that way and more a labor of love. But when you feel that way about the person you are sharing your life with, it's stressful. Very stressful.
So blocks are almost over. I managed to pass physiology. Biochem today wasn't too traumatic. Tomorrow is nutrition.
My mom is coming to visit this weekend. I'm so happy to see her.
Though, I am rather proud of myself for surviving this on my own. Of course, I had lots of support from my friends and family, but I stayed right where I am and didn't run home. I didn't leave school. I worked through the problem and came out the other end even stronger for it.
Hmmm, better than some people I know
Yeah, I'm awesome.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
February 8, 2006 3:57pm
Is blinding rage a healthy emotion?
Wow, this just hit me out of nowhere. I have never felt anger like this before. I've never wanted to just ruin a person so badly as I do now.
Funny thing is that I probably have the means to do it, too. But, truthfully, how can you ruin a person who has nothing and is going nowhere anyway?
All of the other fierce emotions passed, so I imagine this one will pass as well.
I'm also angry at myself. I'm angry that when he was here I didn't go nose to nose with him about every absurd thing he said. I hate myself for caving the way I did because, really, I didn't mean any of it. What am I sorry for? Why was I apologizing? What did I do? Got him the house he wanted. Encouraged him to finish college. Wanted him to find a better job. All things he should have wanted to do on his own....without my prodding.
Wow, this just hit me out of nowhere. I have never felt anger like this before. I've never wanted to just ruin a person so badly as I do now.
Funny thing is that I probably have the means to do it, too. But, truthfully, how can you ruin a person who has nothing and is going nowhere anyway?
All of the other fierce emotions passed, so I imagine this one will pass as well.
I'm also angry at myself. I'm angry that when he was here I didn't go nose to nose with him about every absurd thing he said. I hate myself for caving the way I did because, really, I didn't mean any of it. What am I sorry for? Why was I apologizing? What did I do? Got him the house he wanted. Encouraged him to finish college. Wanted him to find a better job. All things he should have wanted to do on his own....without my prodding.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
February 7, 2006 5:21pm
Why am I the one who has to clean up the messes if he is the one who bails?
Not just bails, but vanishes like a fart in the wind. Never to be seen or heard from again.
Still, not one bit of it makes sense.
Exams are this week. I don't think I did too well on physio, but the rest should be okay.
I want to go home so badly. I have a friend there who wants to go out while I'm home. I don't know what to make of all that. Is it to "go out" as in "on a date" or is it just "going out to entertain the poor, pathetic friend who is lonely now."
That brings up some logistical issues. When two people go out under those ambiguous circumstances, who pays? That's always been my biggest question with dating. I feel terrible when people pay for stuff for me. Eventually, it gets easier and even expected :-) but at first it just feels strange.
Another thing I'm wondering about is what will happen when I do meet the right person and we do decide to get married. There was a ton of fuss over Ryan and I getting engaged. Will anyone care the second time around? I had already picked my bridal party. Are they going to get all tearful and excited again? Or is it just going to be "Round 2 of Elizabeth's need for attention." blah!
Presumably, it won't take 7 years of a relationship to get to that stage again, so what if this happens in the next 4 or 5 years. Then what? Does it seem like a pattern?
Not only am I worried about what other people will think, I'm scared that it won't be special for me either. The second time you do something is never as exciting as the first.
These aren't things that keep me up at night, but just cross my mind from time to time.
Not just bails, but vanishes like a fart in the wind. Never to be seen or heard from again.
Still, not one bit of it makes sense.
Exams are this week. I don't think I did too well on physio, but the rest should be okay.
I want to go home so badly. I have a friend there who wants to go out while I'm home. I don't know what to make of all that. Is it to "go out" as in "on a date" or is it just "going out to entertain the poor, pathetic friend who is lonely now."
That brings up some logistical issues. When two people go out under those ambiguous circumstances, who pays? That's always been my biggest question with dating. I feel terrible when people pay for stuff for me. Eventually, it gets easier and even expected :-) but at first it just feels strange.
Another thing I'm wondering about is what will happen when I do meet the right person and we do decide to get married. There was a ton of fuss over Ryan and I getting engaged. Will anyone care the second time around? I had already picked my bridal party. Are they going to get all tearful and excited again? Or is it just going to be "Round 2 of Elizabeth's need for attention." blah!
Presumably, it won't take 7 years of a relationship to get to that stage again, so what if this happens in the next 4 or 5 years. Then what? Does it seem like a pattern?
Not only am I worried about what other people will think, I'm scared that it won't be special for me either. The second time you do something is never as exciting as the first.
These aren't things that keep me up at night, but just cross my mind from time to time.
Saturday, February 04, 2006
February 4, 2006 12:43pm
Block week is approaching.
I really, really want to pass physiology.
I want to do well this block so that I can prove to myself that I can't be derailed by someone.
Those random moments of anger I have are starting to happen less often.
There's still hurt, but it's better.
Overall, I feel better.
I don't have that awful feeling of "Oh my God! I'm never going to find anyone else!" Right now, I just don't care either way. I mean, I do care, but it isn't the first thing on my mind when I wake up.
Still a little worried about walking into the house when I go back. I'm scared to see what else is gone besides the couch. What things we accumulated over our relationship that he decided to claim as his and take with him.
I goess I shouldn't care too much. It will just make it easier for me to make the place completely mine. I decided if I find anything in there that he left behind I'll email (since he isn't calling me) and give him a few days to come get it before I toss it.
The locks are getting changed soon. Should have done that the day he told me he moved out.
What I'm finding interesting from my family and friends is that they aren't totally shocked that this relationship ended. What they are surprised by is that he's the one who left. They thought that eventually I would get tired of having a partner and child all wrapped into one. I was always frustrated by it, but was willing to overlook it because he was a good person deep down.
Now I see how many lies he told. Now I see what kind of person he is.
Or, maybe not. The man who came in here and said the things he said....thinking back he was acting cold and cruel wven when i was home for Christmas....that wasn't the man who I fell in love with.
I keep wondering if he's had some sort of breakdown. Given his family history of depression and his own difficulties dealing with new or stressful sitations, I wonder if all of this...a marriage, a house...me being so far away...was more than he was able to emotionally handle.
A 26 year old man shouldn't have to be prodded to work on finding a new job so he can afford to live in his "dream house" that he wanted oh so much. It can't be good for one's dignity to have your future mother in law paying so many of your bills and living expenses...not to mention college tuition. At some point, doesn't one have to say "It's time for me to step up and take some responsibility?"
I really, really want to pass physiology.
I want to do well this block so that I can prove to myself that I can't be derailed by someone.
Those random moments of anger I have are starting to happen less often.
There's still hurt, but it's better.
Overall, I feel better.
I don't have that awful feeling of "Oh my God! I'm never going to find anyone else!" Right now, I just don't care either way. I mean, I do care, but it isn't the first thing on my mind when I wake up.
Still a little worried about walking into the house when I go back. I'm scared to see what else is gone besides the couch. What things we accumulated over our relationship that he decided to claim as his and take with him.
I goess I shouldn't care too much. It will just make it easier for me to make the place completely mine. I decided if I find anything in there that he left behind I'll email (since he isn't calling me) and give him a few days to come get it before I toss it.
The locks are getting changed soon. Should have done that the day he told me he moved out.
What I'm finding interesting from my family and friends is that they aren't totally shocked that this relationship ended. What they are surprised by is that he's the one who left. They thought that eventually I would get tired of having a partner and child all wrapped into one. I was always frustrated by it, but was willing to overlook it because he was a good person deep down.
Now I see how many lies he told. Now I see what kind of person he is.
Or, maybe not. The man who came in here and said the things he said....thinking back he was acting cold and cruel wven when i was home for Christmas....that wasn't the man who I fell in love with.
I keep wondering if he's had some sort of breakdown. Given his family history of depression and his own difficulties dealing with new or stressful sitations, I wonder if all of this...a marriage, a house...me being so far away...was more than he was able to emotionally handle.
A 26 year old man shouldn't have to be prodded to work on finding a new job so he can afford to live in his "dream house" that he wanted oh so much. It can't be good for one's dignity to have your future mother in law paying so many of your bills and living expenses...not to mention college tuition. At some point, doesn't one have to say "It's time for me to step up and take some responsibility?"
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
February 1, 2006 9:55pm
Just when I think my life is figured out, something comes crumbling down.
I thought I had the whole marriage and family thing settled. The career was well on its way. Now, I feel like I'm only half done.
Although I feel mostly okay, I still have these random moments of angrer where I scream at him as if he's here and I can tell him something really hurtful.
But, I can't bring myself to hate him.
I don't understand how someone can just drop off the earth after sharing a bed for years and years.
As confusing as it is, it's still perfectly clear now where he is emotionally and his level of understanding of how to be in a relationship.
Most of the calls and emails from my friends have trailed off. I guess people assume I'm okay now...except for one. So confused about that. But that's a story for another time.
It's going to be weird going home. Especially if we bump into each other somewhere. I tried to make that less awkward by trying to make contact with him, but he isn't responding so I guess we're going for awkward.
I thought I had the whole marriage and family thing settled. The career was well on its way. Now, I feel like I'm only half done.
Although I feel mostly okay, I still have these random moments of angrer where I scream at him as if he's here and I can tell him something really hurtful.
But, I can't bring myself to hate him.
I don't understand how someone can just drop off the earth after sharing a bed for years and years.
As confusing as it is, it's still perfectly clear now where he is emotionally and his level of understanding of how to be in a relationship.
Most of the calls and emails from my friends have trailed off. I guess people assume I'm okay now...except for one. So confused about that. But that's a story for another time.
It's going to be weird going home. Especially if we bump into each other somewhere. I tried to make that less awkward by trying to make contact with him, but he isn't responding so I guess we're going for awkward.
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