So tonight I went to a first year student's house for a discussion group I joined on Complementary and Alternative Medicine (CAM). It's something I'm really interested in and have been doing quite a bit of personal research on.
My interest stems from not wanting to get sick. I've been given a shitty genetic mixture and I'd like to not end up with the miserable health problems my dad had.
I recently bought a kick ass text book called Integrative Medicine. It outlines all the standard and alternative treatments for various diseases. Unline some other CAM-related books, it has no problem citing actual studies to back up the effectiveness of treatments and also citing those studies which show no effect (or possibly a harmful one) for other treatments. I really like that it integrates what we consider traditional "western" medicine (ie drugs, surgery, etc) with alternative therapies.
But here is why this all makes for an interesting story. Remember I told you all about Nathan giving me crap about my food and recycling and all that other stuff?
Well, tonight I came face to face with what I refuse to become.
I arrived at this house to meet with our CAm discussion group. I was offered cucumber water, which I learned is just plain water with slices of cucumber floating in it. I had expected some sort of weird slurry, but was pleasantly surprised.
I was the only person who didn't take their shoes off at the door. I don't know why. I wasn't entering a mosque, so it never occurred to me that shoes were not allowed or even optional. Granted, I was wearing my Birkenstocks so that might be as close to shoeless as one can get in the Hippie world without actually not wearing shoes.
We all introduced ourselves. I was only 1 of 2 2nd year students. There were also 6 1st year students and 2 faculty members (both clinicians). Everyone gave a brief introduction to why they were interested in this topic. Some things I learned......
Birkenstocks are probably the only thing I share in common with these people
I was likely the only person in the room who has consumed meat (aka animal flesh) in the past 5 years
I was likely the only person who felt like 10 minutes of meditation felt like 3 hours of agonizing silence
Sarcasm is not appreciated by those in the free spirit community
Finding inner peace and being able to project that healing feeling onto your patients requires you to wear gaucho pants.
I will now discuss Gaucho pants. I don't like them. I don't need something to make my legs look fatter than they are. However, I was the only female there not wearing some variation of the Gaucho pant. From what I could tell, very loose fitting pants are necessary to achieve some level of Zen/Scientology/Level IV Dungeon Master excellence. The only practical reason for this that I can figure is that it makes it easier to do that meditation sitting position where your feet are crossed over the opposite thighs and you're sitting up. I don't know who popularized this barbaric position, but I bet they spent some time in Haight-Ashbury.
We meditated. I didn't sit in the funny position, but others did. Every minute or two, I opened one eye at a time and glanced around that side of the room that I could see through the corresponding eye. They were all depp in a trance except for me. It was 10 minutes, but I was just aching to say something. Maybe silence makes me uncomfortable. Maybe I was amused by the funny stomach noises coming from the guy across the table from me.
We then made a list of topics we would like to cover and determined that we would pick a new topic for each week. The vote was that next week's topic will be on the Macrobiotic Diet.
I'll keep going until I leave for the summer. It's interesting and will make for a fun social experiment. :-)
I am crazy tired right now. Goodnight.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
May 1, 2007 5:44pm
Had a wonderful weekend with Roger here. We went up to Buckhannon where I'm moving this summer to start my rotations. I signed the lease for my house. On the ride there and back, I educated him on some fine American music he was never exposed to. One just can't go a lifetime without hearing some Miles Davis and John Coltrane, really.
Monday night, Nathan came over to study OPP. This made for an interesting night when he saw all my new and improved organic, toxin-free stuff and the text book on Integrative Medicine that I bought.
He put his head in his hands and said, "You've gone liberal blue on me! You've gone liberal! I can't believe this."
Well, that's not true. But it was funny seeing him freak out. Especially since our friendship began in Anatomy lab when he looked over our dead body and asked, "Are you a flaming liberal?" I said no, I wasn't. From that point on, we've gotten along great.
I'm trying my best to not be annoying to others in my new green phase. I remember when everyone I knew was either on Weight Watchers or the Atkins Diet. Going out to dinner was a nightmare because they all wanted to tell me how many points my food was worth, or how many carbs I was eating. I really didn't care, and I found it annoying that someone felt the need to tell me that.
So, I'm keeping it to myself (except, of course, with Nathan, for whom it seems to be a point of irritation and, therefore, entertainment for me).
That aside, I wanted to mention a point that BBM brought up in a comment. She's right, all this crap is expensive. It sucks. I don't get it. Well, I mean, I kinda do. There's less of it and less of a demand for it so it's more expensive. The only way organic and hormone free food would become cheaper is if it became the only way to produce food. But right now, commercial farms rule the industry and they can manage to produce a massive amount of food, while smaller farms have to make less at a time.
And I don't know how a family manages to afford it. For me it's not too hard. It's just me here so the amount of food (and cleaning products, and paper products, etc) that I need to buy is rather limited. Since I pay more for the stuff, I am more conscious of what I am spending (a good thing) and I try to not let things spoil and waste (also a good thing). But I don't know how this would be managable for a family that is already counting every penny. An extra $2 for a half gallon of milk is a lot when you go through it in a day. It doesn't make that much difference when I buy a quart at a time and it takes me over a week to finish it.
It sucks, but unless there is some massive revolution in our eating and buying practices, I don't see it getting cheaper.
Just like it's really convenient for a movie star to buy a pimped out hybrid, when the average person is just hoping that the muffler on their 89 Toyota with 200,000 miles on it doesn't fall off.
Monday night, Nathan came over to study OPP. This made for an interesting night when he saw all my new and improved organic, toxin-free stuff and the text book on Integrative Medicine that I bought.
He put his head in his hands and said, "You've gone liberal blue on me! You've gone liberal! I can't believe this."
Well, that's not true. But it was funny seeing him freak out. Especially since our friendship began in Anatomy lab when he looked over our dead body and asked, "Are you a flaming liberal?" I said no, I wasn't. From that point on, we've gotten along great.
I'm trying my best to not be annoying to others in my new green phase. I remember when everyone I knew was either on Weight Watchers or the Atkins Diet. Going out to dinner was a nightmare because they all wanted to tell me how many points my food was worth, or how many carbs I was eating. I really didn't care, and I found it annoying that someone felt the need to tell me that.
So, I'm keeping it to myself (except, of course, with Nathan, for whom it seems to be a point of irritation and, therefore, entertainment for me).
That aside, I wanted to mention a point that BBM brought up in a comment. She's right, all this crap is expensive. It sucks. I don't get it. Well, I mean, I kinda do. There's less of it and less of a demand for it so it's more expensive. The only way organic and hormone free food would become cheaper is if it became the only way to produce food. But right now, commercial farms rule the industry and they can manage to produce a massive amount of food, while smaller farms have to make less at a time.
And I don't know how a family manages to afford it. For me it's not too hard. It's just me here so the amount of food (and cleaning products, and paper products, etc) that I need to buy is rather limited. Since I pay more for the stuff, I am more conscious of what I am spending (a good thing) and I try to not let things spoil and waste (also a good thing). But I don't know how this would be managable for a family that is already counting every penny. An extra $2 for a half gallon of milk is a lot when you go through it in a day. It doesn't make that much difference when I buy a quart at a time and it takes me over a week to finish it.
It sucks, but unless there is some massive revolution in our eating and buying practices, I don't see it getting cheaper.
Just like it's really convenient for a movie star to buy a pimped out hybrid, when the average person is just hoping that the muffler on their 89 Toyota with 200,000 miles on it doesn't fall off.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
April 25, 2007 11:52pm
Roger is coming down this weekend to visit. Actually, he's driving down tomorrow night! Yay!
And perfect timing for me to be cranky, bloated, and just generally feeling like a PMSing bitch.
I think I have my housing situation worked out for moving to Buckhannon. Roger and I are going to take a drive up there on Saturday to check out a place that I am probably going to rent.
School is draining the life juice out of me.
Speaking of juice, my "going green" plan has started to get out of control. I did some research in the library at school on pesitcides and children. I'm having the librarian get me some articles on organic food, pesticide levels in the blood, and nutrient levels of food. I also just bought a text book on integrative medicine.
See, I'm the kind of person who can't just like something. I have to become completely obsessed with it.
And perfect timing for me to be cranky, bloated, and just generally feeling like a PMSing bitch.
I think I have my housing situation worked out for moving to Buckhannon. Roger and I are going to take a drive up there on Saturday to check out a place that I am probably going to rent.
School is draining the life juice out of me.
Speaking of juice, my "going green" plan has started to get out of control. I did some research in the library at school on pesitcides and children. I'm having the librarian get me some articles on organic food, pesticide levels in the blood, and nutrient levels of food. I also just bought a text book on integrative medicine.
See, I'm the kind of person who can't just like something. I have to become completely obsessed with it.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
April, 21, 2007 12:21pm
So I have a new obsession....going green.
I'm not entirely sure why this has happened to me. Growing up, my family was always fairly anti-recycling (because of the effort), and I adopted that philosophy when I moved to a town where recycling was optional.
But I have changed. I think it's because all of the people on tv who are "green" always look so happy and healthy and peaceful. Somewhere in my mind, I associate the use of organic cotton with inner peace.
We'll have to see if it works.
Oprah had a show about this yesterday. She had guests on who talking about all the environment-friendly things that people can do. I was a little bummbed because I already do most of them, and those that I don't do require lifestyle changes that I'm just not willing to make (ie installing low flow shower heads....um...no).
I've been trying to eat organic. I buy exclusively organic dairy products (as long as I can find them) and I buy all the organic veggies I can from the rather sad selection that Kroger offers. I can't seem to find organic meat, but I'm working on that problem.
Next, I'm going to try to switch to chemical free cleaners. I found a company called Gaiam that sells all kinds of stuff like that. Some things they have are way beyond what I'm willing to try (like the toilet water sink) but I'm intriuged by composting. Mostly for the same reason that I like watching my laundry agitate in the washing machine. I like seeing stuff happen, and the idea of seeing my trash break down right in front of me gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling. It might inspire me to garden more because I'll have all that nifty fertilizer right there. I'm a bit concerned about the smell, though. Where the hell does one keep something like that?
I must get back to studying. We have an exam on Monday and I am procrastinating terribly.
I'm not entirely sure why this has happened to me. Growing up, my family was always fairly anti-recycling (because of the effort), and I adopted that philosophy when I moved to a town where recycling was optional.
But I have changed. I think it's because all of the people on tv who are "green" always look so happy and healthy and peaceful. Somewhere in my mind, I associate the use of organic cotton with inner peace.
We'll have to see if it works.
Oprah had a show about this yesterday. She had guests on who talking about all the environment-friendly things that people can do. I was a little bummbed because I already do most of them, and those that I don't do require lifestyle changes that I'm just not willing to make (ie installing low flow shower heads....um...no).
I've been trying to eat organic. I buy exclusively organic dairy products (as long as I can find them) and I buy all the organic veggies I can from the rather sad selection that Kroger offers. I can't seem to find organic meat, but I'm working on that problem.
Next, I'm going to try to switch to chemical free cleaners. I found a company called Gaiam that sells all kinds of stuff like that. Some things they have are way beyond what I'm willing to try (like the toilet water sink) but I'm intriuged by composting. Mostly for the same reason that I like watching my laundry agitate in the washing machine. I like seeing stuff happen, and the idea of seeing my trash break down right in front of me gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling. It might inspire me to garden more because I'll have all that nifty fertilizer right there. I'm a bit concerned about the smell, though. Where the hell does one keep something like that?
I must get back to studying. We have an exam on Monday and I am procrastinating terribly.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
April 17, 2007 10:00pm
My apologies for not updating at all last week.
I went home to NJ for spring break, and I just got tied up with stuff. By the time I'd get around to checking email, I was too tired to formulate a post.
In summary:
Saw my sisters for Easter. Had a wonderful time visiting with them. I drove into NJ Thursday night after I finished at a dr's office seeing patients. I developed a severe, severe migraine Thursday morning that did not go away until about 11pm. It was the first time I ever had a migraine with an aura. I saw flashing lights about 20 minutes before the headache started. Worst one I ever had.
I rolled into NJ after midnight. By that time, my sisters had all already gotten there. Blair was staying at my house so my mom let her in. I walked in with all my stuff and a bottle of Grey Goose and some Tonic because I lubs my sistah!
Friday I had a wonderful time taking my niece, Tessa, to get a pedicure. She's 5 and when I told her where we were going she proclaimed that "My one life's wish has been granted!".
Saturday was my day to make dinner for everyone at my place. I love, love, love cooking so this was great for me. While I was on my way to the grocery store, I decided to call Roger and ask him if he would like to join us. At first, he danced around it and said he didn't want to intrude. Blah blah blah. I had shopping to do so I hung up. 5 minutes later, he calls back and asks if the offer still stands. He arrived a few hours later with flowers. He met my sisters and my mom. It all went well :-) He seemed to have a nice time.
Sunday was Easter. We all congregated at my mom's for food. We ate and ate.
Monday, Roger came down and we went out for sushi.
Tuesday....I don't remember what happened on Tuesday. Oh yes, I went to the dentist.
Wednesday I had lunch with a friend, then I drove up to Roger's place. I did some osteopathic super duper manipulation on him because he was having some back and neck problems. We went to dinner.
Thursday, my friends Ryan and Jess came to stay with me for the night on their way to Sea Isle City for a "sorry you have cancer, but here's a house at the beach for a weekend" program. It was so great to see them! I got to cook for them. Ryan and I stayed up until after 2am talking...that's when Jess came down and scolded us.
Friday evening I went to the NY International Auto Show with Roger. By dinnertime, I was feeling really sick. I had a sore throat, fever, just general nastyness. We stayed in and got some pizza. He rubbed my feetsies and then went and got me ice cream.
On Saturday, it was determined that I had strep and I started some antibiotics. Roger drove down and helped me run errands and pack my truck. I sat on my couch with a blanket and pillow.
So now here I am....back in WV.
I just want to say that the massacre at VT is just unthinkable. My campus will be holding a candlelight vigil tomorrow night at 8pm. I just can't imagine what it was like for those students going through that.
I went home to NJ for spring break, and I just got tied up with stuff. By the time I'd get around to checking email, I was too tired to formulate a post.
In summary:
Saw my sisters for Easter. Had a wonderful time visiting with them. I drove into NJ Thursday night after I finished at a dr's office seeing patients. I developed a severe, severe migraine Thursday morning that did not go away until about 11pm. It was the first time I ever had a migraine with an aura. I saw flashing lights about 20 minutes before the headache started. Worst one I ever had.
I rolled into NJ after midnight. By that time, my sisters had all already gotten there. Blair was staying at my house so my mom let her in. I walked in with all my stuff and a bottle of Grey Goose and some Tonic because I lubs my sistah!
Friday I had a wonderful time taking my niece, Tessa, to get a pedicure. She's 5 and when I told her where we were going she proclaimed that "My one life's wish has been granted!".
Saturday was my day to make dinner for everyone at my place. I love, love, love cooking so this was great for me. While I was on my way to the grocery store, I decided to call Roger and ask him if he would like to join us. At first, he danced around it and said he didn't want to intrude. Blah blah blah. I had shopping to do so I hung up. 5 minutes later, he calls back and asks if the offer still stands. He arrived a few hours later with flowers. He met my sisters and my mom. It all went well :-) He seemed to have a nice time.
Sunday was Easter. We all congregated at my mom's for food. We ate and ate.
Monday, Roger came down and we went out for sushi.
Tuesday....I don't remember what happened on Tuesday. Oh yes, I went to the dentist.
Wednesday I had lunch with a friend, then I drove up to Roger's place. I did some osteopathic super duper manipulation on him because he was having some back and neck problems. We went to dinner.
Thursday, my friends Ryan and Jess came to stay with me for the night on their way to Sea Isle City for a "sorry you have cancer, but here's a house at the beach for a weekend" program. It was so great to see them! I got to cook for them. Ryan and I stayed up until after 2am talking...that's when Jess came down and scolded us.
Friday evening I went to the NY International Auto Show with Roger. By dinnertime, I was feeling really sick. I had a sore throat, fever, just general nastyness. We stayed in and got some pizza. He rubbed my feetsies and then went and got me ice cream.
On Saturday, it was determined that I had strep and I started some antibiotics. Roger drove down and helped me run errands and pack my truck. I sat on my couch with a blanket and pillow.
So now here I am....back in WV.
I just want to say that the massacre at VT is just unthinkable. My campus will be holding a candlelight vigil tomorrow night at 8pm. I just can't imagine what it was like for those students going through that.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
April 3, 2007 8:53pm
So, it looks like my little April Fool's joke had it's intended effect.
Actually, I have to give credit to Beej for putting the idea in my head...oh about a million years ago when she made an April Fool's post to a message board with something to the effect of making cheese out of breast milk. There were other things on it, but that's the one that has stuck in my head for-ev-er. Ever since then, I've wanted to pull my own little shocking prank.
I am not becoming a lesbian. That's fine if it floats your boat, but some girls just can't live without a little dick in their life (wait, ixnay on the little part).
I am not dropping out of medical school. I haven't worked this hard for this long just to leave when I'm halfway though. Besides, I've had some experiences lately that really cemented my love of this.
And I am really, really, really not going to rent out my uterus. All of my body parts are mine and for my use only unless a family member needs a kidney or some bone marrow or something like that.
One more thing, my little joke made me start thinking about the Knot Gang. What has happened to everyone? It's hard to google them since I didn't know everyone's full names.
For those of you not in "the know", The Knot was a section on AOL for wedding planning. There's an internet version that I used in my (ahem) former wedding to douche bag planning. But before AOL jacked with their message boards it was a really cool place on there. I got to meet some of the gals from there in NYC once. I even had one stay with me in NY for a few days.
But there were also a few wackos. The occasional drive-by troll whenever schools were on breaks were common, but there were also regular wackos who proudly displayed their crazyness and then would find internet Rabbis to back up their positions. Ah, memories.
Ok, here's what I remember....
I remember someone with a name like Cowbell or Cowhearder or something like that.
I remember someone who was militant about etiquette (No you tramp! The fork goes on the left! Bitch! Whore!)
I remember a woman named Suzy. She had some weird marriage situation where she was either married to someone way younger than her or possibly way older. She took everything literally and didn't know anything about sex. Maybe it was all an act. Either way, I remember being in a private chat room with her one night trying to explain to her how to give a blow job and explaining what "Do your curtains match your carpet?" meant.
I remember internet Rabbis
I remember moist panties
I remember fishbowl centerpieces
I remember cash bars and dollar dances
C'mon girls, refresh my memory. I know there was other stuff that happened!
Actually, I have to give credit to Beej for putting the idea in my head...oh about a million years ago when she made an April Fool's post to a message board with something to the effect of making cheese out of breast milk. There were other things on it, but that's the one that has stuck in my head for-ev-er. Ever since then, I've wanted to pull my own little shocking prank.
I am not becoming a lesbian. That's fine if it floats your boat, but some girls just can't live without a little dick in their life (wait, ixnay on the little part).
I am not dropping out of medical school. I haven't worked this hard for this long just to leave when I'm halfway though. Besides, I've had some experiences lately that really cemented my love of this.
And I am really, really, really not going to rent out my uterus. All of my body parts are mine and for my use only unless a family member needs a kidney or some bone marrow or something like that.
One more thing, my little joke made me start thinking about the Knot Gang. What has happened to everyone? It's hard to google them since I didn't know everyone's full names.
For those of you not in "the know", The Knot was a section on AOL for wedding planning. There's an internet version that I used in my (ahem) former wedding to douche bag planning. But before AOL jacked with their message boards it was a really cool place on there. I got to meet some of the gals from there in NYC once. I even had one stay with me in NY for a few days.
But there were also a few wackos. The occasional drive-by troll whenever schools were on breaks were common, but there were also regular wackos who proudly displayed their crazyness and then would find internet Rabbis to back up their positions. Ah, memories.
Ok, here's what I remember....
I remember someone with a name like Cowbell or Cowhearder or something like that.
I remember someone who was militant about etiquette (No you tramp! The fork goes on the left! Bitch! Whore!)
I remember a woman named Suzy. She had some weird marriage situation where she was either married to someone way younger than her or possibly way older. She took everything literally and didn't know anything about sex. Maybe it was all an act. Either way, I remember being in a private chat room with her one night trying to explain to her how to give a blow job and explaining what "Do your curtains match your carpet?" meant.
I remember internet Rabbis
I remember moist panties
I remember fishbowl centerpieces
I remember cash bars and dollar dances
C'mon girls, refresh my memory. I know there was other stuff that happened!
Sunday, April 01, 2007
April 1, 2007 8:58pm
I'm finally getting a chance to update everyone like I promised in my last post.
Like I said, I do have some news.
First and foremost, I've decided to leave medical school. I spent a lot of time thinking about this, and I realize now that my heart just isn't in this. The lease on my apartment is up at the end of this month, so I will be slowly moving myself back to NJ. I already notified the school that I will not be finishing the semester.
Second, I decided that to make some money while I am deciding what to do for a career, I will become a surrogate mother. I put my information up on Craigs List and have already received several inquiries. I feel like it is my obligation to rent out my uterus to childless couples. I decided that I will also make a MySpace page for this so that I can reach more people.
Third, and probably the most shocking, is that I've decided to become a lesbian. Now, I know some people say it isn't something you can just "decide" to be, but when I put my mind to something I really intend to do it. Men are just too complicated for me and I think that I really belong in the sisterhood of lesbos.
I'm really exciting about starting my new life.
Like I said, I do have some news.
First and foremost, I've decided to leave medical school. I spent a lot of time thinking about this, and I realize now that my heart just isn't in this. The lease on my apartment is up at the end of this month, so I will be slowly moving myself back to NJ. I already notified the school that I will not be finishing the semester.
Second, I decided that to make some money while I am deciding what to do for a career, I will become a surrogate mother. I put my information up on Craigs List and have already received several inquiries. I feel like it is my obligation to rent out my uterus to childless couples. I decided that I will also make a MySpace page for this so that I can reach more people.
Third, and probably the most shocking, is that I've decided to become a lesbian. Now, I know some people say it isn't something you can just "decide" to be, but when I put my mind to something I really intend to do it. Men are just too complicated for me and I think that I really belong in the sisterhood of lesbos.
I'm really exciting about starting my new life.
Friday, March 30, 2007
March 30, 2007 7:47am
I am about to run out the door to school to take my Endocrine System final.
I have much random nonsense to update on. I will do that later.
For now, I wanted to give everyone a piece of information to file under the "I could have gone my whole life without knowing that and been fine" file.
If you eat Raisin Bran and don't digest the raisins, the next day you will poop Concord Grapes.
I have much random nonsense to update on. I will do that later.
For now, I wanted to give everyone a piece of information to file under the "I could have gone my whole life without knowing that and been fine" file.
If you eat Raisin Bran and don't digest the raisins, the next day you will poop Concord Grapes.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
March 25, 2007 2:09pm
I am pissed today.
Last night, I went to a friend's house. The plan was to do grilling and margaritas. I was excited about this. I brought some booze, a board game, and a frizbee for the dog.
I have never been around a group of women so incapable of conversation.
If they weren't talking about how drunk they planned to get or have gotten in the past, they had nothing to talk about. They started pounding beers and mixed drinks at 4:30 and kept going until 9:30when I left (I'm assuming they continued beyond that). Around 8:30, they started the shots...going shot for shot.
Absolutely pathetic.
I just sat there annoyed at myself for wasting an entire night on this horseshit. The more I think about it, the more annoyed I get.
I find it sad that a generation of women who are smart enough to get themselves into medical school are so stupid that they can't talk about anything but drinking.
When I'm home and spending time with my friends there, I don't have this problem. The women I associate with are bright and able to talk about many different things. They don't need alcohol to have a good time, nor do they need it to be able to converse about anything.
My level of disappointment can't even be expressed in words.
Last night, I went to a friend's house. The plan was to do grilling and margaritas. I was excited about this. I brought some booze, a board game, and a frizbee for the dog.
I have never been around a group of women so incapable of conversation.
If they weren't talking about how drunk they planned to get or have gotten in the past, they had nothing to talk about. They started pounding beers and mixed drinks at 4:30 and kept going until 9:30when I left (I'm assuming they continued beyond that). Around 8:30, they started the shots...going shot for shot.
Absolutely pathetic.
I just sat there annoyed at myself for wasting an entire night on this horseshit. The more I think about it, the more annoyed I get.
I find it sad that a generation of women who are smart enough to get themselves into medical school are so stupid that they can't talk about anything but drinking.
When I'm home and spending time with my friends there, I don't have this problem. The women I associate with are bright and able to talk about many different things. They don't need alcohol to have a good time, nor do they need it to be able to converse about anything.
My level of disappointment can't even be expressed in words.
Friday, March 23, 2007
March 23, 2007 7:42pm
Apparently, my blogging absence has caused a stir in the square states. Mass chaos has erupted and my face is on milk cartons.
I am, indeed, okay. Just been busy. School is kicking my ass straight into next week.
To update....
Roger (eharmony dude) came down here to visit. He stayed for a weekend. We did some fun things. I took him for a drive up into the mountains. We went to dinner at the awesome restaurant in town. I got tickets for a bluegrass band concert. Mostly, we just chilled and talked.
I talk to him about every day or so. He called me today to tell me that he got a promotion. He sounded very excited. I was the first person he told.
I have become addicted to catalogue shopping. I have also developed a fetish for soaps, lotions, oils, creams, etc. I blame Maria for this. She told me about Yves Rocher and encouraged me to buy things from the DHC catalogue when it came. DHC sends you free samples in every catalogue and with every order (that's how they suck you in. It's like a drug dealer who gives you your first hit free!). Yves Rocher is insanely cheap and their stuiff smells really, really good.
My other two obsessions are also Brylane Home and The Lakeside Collection. I can't help myself. Snowmen, easter eggs, cute little decorative "accents". I need them all! The kitchen accessories are my biggest weakness. To make this all worse, QVC has all kitchen and entertaining stuff on today! Fabio help me! I already ordered a ceramic watermellon bowl.
Granted, I'm not spending an absurd amount of money on this. For the most part, I just enjoy drinking a cup of tea and leafing through catalogues of things that I have no intention of buying. It's a disease, a sickness. Maria gave it to me. I need help! Help I tell you!
I've also decided to clean out my clothing collection and replenish it with updated stuff. This, of course, includes accessories. I've been getting jewelry from Overstock.com in their Worldstock section. It's all handmade items probably made my some pygmies making $0.03/hour, and I buy the bracelet for $39.99, but at least I can say it's a handmade "unique" item. I really do like their stuff.
The jewelry and such started because I decided that I didn't have enough bling. In the 8 years that DB and I were together, he rarely bought me any jewelry. I'd ask for it for every birthday, anniversary, valentine's day, and christmas. I'd even go so far as to specifically point out in the jewelry store what I liked or email him links to things online that I wanted. What guy wouldn't be thrilled with that?! Well, I could almost count on getting none of those things.
As a result, I have very little jewelry. It just started to occur to me in the past few months that I really, really like wearing jewelry every day, not just to be dressed up. I love silver and white gold, and I want more of it. I'm an independent woman, damnit! I'm gonna buy my own bling!!
If I remember to take some pictures of my new bling, I'll show it off.
I've been really happy lately. I feel good. I feel better than I have in years, I think. I feel confident in myself. I feel good about where I'm going. I feel like I'm embarking on a life that smells nice and has a silver bracelet in it. :-)
I am, indeed, okay. Just been busy. School is kicking my ass straight into next week.
To update....
Roger (eharmony dude) came down here to visit. He stayed for a weekend. We did some fun things. I took him for a drive up into the mountains. We went to dinner at the awesome restaurant in town. I got tickets for a bluegrass band concert. Mostly, we just chilled and talked.
I talk to him about every day or so. He called me today to tell me that he got a promotion. He sounded very excited. I was the first person he told.
I have become addicted to catalogue shopping. I have also developed a fetish for soaps, lotions, oils, creams, etc. I blame Maria for this. She told me about Yves Rocher and encouraged me to buy things from the DHC catalogue when it came. DHC sends you free samples in every catalogue and with every order (that's how they suck you in. It's like a drug dealer who gives you your first hit free!). Yves Rocher is insanely cheap and their stuiff smells really, really good.
My other two obsessions are also Brylane Home and The Lakeside Collection. I can't help myself. Snowmen, easter eggs, cute little decorative "accents". I need them all! The kitchen accessories are my biggest weakness. To make this all worse, QVC has all kitchen and entertaining stuff on today! Fabio help me! I already ordered a ceramic watermellon bowl.
Granted, I'm not spending an absurd amount of money on this. For the most part, I just enjoy drinking a cup of tea and leafing through catalogues of things that I have no intention of buying. It's a disease, a sickness. Maria gave it to me. I need help! Help I tell you!
I've also decided to clean out my clothing collection and replenish it with updated stuff. This, of course, includes accessories. I've been getting jewelry from Overstock.com in their Worldstock section. It's all handmade items probably made my some pygmies making $0.03/hour, and I buy the bracelet for $39.99, but at least I can say it's a handmade "unique" item. I really do like their stuff.
The jewelry and such started because I decided that I didn't have enough bling. In the 8 years that DB and I were together, he rarely bought me any jewelry. I'd ask for it for every birthday, anniversary, valentine's day, and christmas. I'd even go so far as to specifically point out in the jewelry store what I liked or email him links to things online that I wanted. What guy wouldn't be thrilled with that?! Well, I could almost count on getting none of those things.
As a result, I have very little jewelry. It just started to occur to me in the past few months that I really, really like wearing jewelry every day, not just to be dressed up. I love silver and white gold, and I want more of it. I'm an independent woman, damnit! I'm gonna buy my own bling!!
If I remember to take some pictures of my new bling, I'll show it off.
I've been really happy lately. I feel good. I feel better than I have in years, I think. I feel confident in myself. I feel good about where I'm going. I feel like I'm embarking on a life that smells nice and has a silver bracelet in it. :-)
Friday, March 02, 2007
March 2, 2007 7:57pm
I sorted through my "I'll sort through this later" pile. Actually, it turned into a bag. Inside this bag, I found pens, note pads, a travel mug, and various other pharmaceutical freebies. Bonus! Gee, if I had known it would be like a shopping trip, I would have gone thought it a long time ago.
I have an exam on Monday, so I should be studying.
I'm painfully alone at the moment. It's just too quiet here. Sometimes I really hate not having a roommate, or a close neighbor who is just "there", even if we aren't interacting.
Sigh
On that note, I've made some headway in finding a place to live starting in July. After my unsuccessful attempts at getting housing information from the hospital I will be at, I asked the clinical education office at my school to help me out. I got the name of a real estate agent, and the name of some random dude who rents houses in that area. The random dude is listed on the US Pawnbrokers Association, which just seems shady to me. So I think I'll go with the real estate agency.
I was able to contact Century 21 yesterday and spoke to a very nice woman named Julie/Jane/Janice/Jenny/Jerry (I'm really, really terrible with names). I told her I was looking for a place to rent that would be no more than 2 bedrooms and that would allow me to have a pet. I told a little white lie by saying that I have a dog. I don't actually have the dog yet, but if I start making it seem like dog + me = one unit, then maybe they won't try to say "oh, well, all we can find is this one place that doesn't allow pets."
So, Julie/Janice/Jenny/Jojo told me that she doesn't have anything available right now, but she should be able to find something for me.
Moving is such a pain in the ass, but I have to do it.
I have an exam on Monday, so I should be studying.
I'm painfully alone at the moment. It's just too quiet here. Sometimes I really hate not having a roommate, or a close neighbor who is just "there", even if we aren't interacting.
Sigh
On that note, I've made some headway in finding a place to live starting in July. After my unsuccessful attempts at getting housing information from the hospital I will be at, I asked the clinical education office at my school to help me out. I got the name of a real estate agent, and the name of some random dude who rents houses in that area. The random dude is listed on the US Pawnbrokers Association, which just seems shady to me. So I think I'll go with the real estate agency.
I was able to contact Century 21 yesterday and spoke to a very nice woman named Julie/Jane/Janice/Jenny/Jerry (I'm really, really terrible with names). I told her I was looking for a place to rent that would be no more than 2 bedrooms and that would allow me to have a pet. I told a little white lie by saying that I have a dog. I don't actually have the dog yet, but if I start making it seem like dog + me = one unit, then maybe they won't try to say "oh, well, all we can find is this one place that doesn't allow pets."
So, Julie/Janice/Jenny/Jojo told me that she doesn't have anything available right now, but she should be able to find something for me.
Moving is such a pain in the ass, but I have to do it.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
March 1, 2007 10:28pm
I have come to a crossroads with my hair.
Since I was about 15, I've had super short hair. My hair is naturally very very straight and very very fine. Short hair is easy to maintain and I don't have to fight with it every morning.
I haven't been able to get a haircut for a while. I am well overdue. My hair is now longer than it has been in years. I can still manage it, though.
I'm considering growing it out.
This is not an easy decision. I don't know what the short-long hair transition will require. Will I need to get it cut to get it into some sort of shape that doesn't make me look like a homeless woman? Can I just grow it out?
And once it is grown out, what if I realize it looks as terrible as I feared all along? Huh? Then what do I do?
I'm going to try and not panic about it until my bangs are in my eyes. Well, they're already in my eyes. I mean until they are covering my eyes.
I just don't know what to do with my hair!!!
Since I was about 15, I've had super short hair. My hair is naturally very very straight and very very fine. Short hair is easy to maintain and I don't have to fight with it every morning.
I haven't been able to get a haircut for a while. I am well overdue. My hair is now longer than it has been in years. I can still manage it, though.
I'm considering growing it out.
This is not an easy decision. I don't know what the short-long hair transition will require. Will I need to get it cut to get it into some sort of shape that doesn't make me look like a homeless woman? Can I just grow it out?
And once it is grown out, what if I realize it looks as terrible as I feared all along? Huh? Then what do I do?
I'm going to try and not panic about it until my bangs are in my eyes. Well, they're already in my eyes. I mean until they are covering my eyes.
I just don't know what to do with my hair!!!
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
February 28, 2007 7:37pm
Weekend was nice. Mom visited. We did the whole mother-daughter bonding thing.
This week has been uneventful, except for that my sorry ass overcame it's needle fear and.....
Okay, that's not entirely true. After being badgered and made to feel like a piece of shit for never giving blood in my life, I went down to the blood drive being held at school today. Oh, I was chickenshit for sure. I tiptoed in, refused to sign in right away. Insisted on watching what happened to others first. After deciding that it was too humiliating to turn back, I sat down in the chair to go through the pre-blood letting process.
Turns out, my iron is too low. There is some irony (pun intended) in this because I eat a very high protein, high whole grain, high vegetable diet.
My Iron wasn't so low that I'm about to die from lack of hemoglobin or anything. In fact, it's perfvectly normal. It's just too low for the Red Cross. Whatever those vampires do with the blood lowers the iron in it so mine has to be higher.
Well shit!
At least I tried.
This week has been uneventful, except for that my sorry ass overcame it's needle fear and.....
Okay, that's not entirely true. After being badgered and made to feel like a piece of shit for never giving blood in my life, I went down to the blood drive being held at school today. Oh, I was chickenshit for sure. I tiptoed in, refused to sign in right away. Insisted on watching what happened to others first. After deciding that it was too humiliating to turn back, I sat down in the chair to go through the pre-blood letting process.
Turns out, my iron is too low. There is some irony (pun intended) in this because I eat a very high protein, high whole grain, high vegetable diet.
My Iron wasn't so low that I'm about to die from lack of hemoglobin or anything. In fact, it's perfvectly normal. It's just too low for the Red Cross. Whatever those vampires do with the blood lowers the iron in it so mine has to be higher.
Well shit!
At least I tried.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
February 22, 2007 7:46pm
Happy!
Mom is coming tomorrow. We're going to get pizza and chill tomorrow night. Saturday AM, I have a review to go to for pathology, and mom said she'd come along. 3 hours of histopathology? Hmmm.. She wouldn't rather sleep in?
I washed my Uggs tonight. It's one of those things that has been on my "to do" list for so long that I just stopped writing it each week. Well, I finally cleaned them up. There's a few more things on the forgotten "to do" list that I think I want to get on soon. First, is to get rid of all the damn cardboard boxes in my apartment. Second, I need to remove all the Internal Medicine Club junk over to the storage closet at school. Third, I need to organize my CD's, which are in a giant pile of mess right now.
I really love being able to mark things off lists. It gives me a sense of closure and completion (is that even a word?).
I also like my pill box. I only take a few prescription medications every day, but I take a load of assorted vitamins and supplements. Don't worry, I'm not mixing anything dangerous or taking anything bad. At worst, they're doing nothing. At best, I am now protected from heart disease, cancer, Alzheimers and Diabetes. My educated guess is that their true effect lies somewhere between those extremes. Anyway, I bought a pill box from Wal-Mart that has really deep compartments. This is great for me because I take some really huge pills. I have pills for Morning, Noon, Evening, and Bedtime. I am a regular senior citizen! I really feel like I have accomplished something when an entire day's worth of compartments is empty and I know I took everything I was supposed to take.
Alternative medicine and natural remedies have become my new obsession. I've always really loved preventitive medicine (ie hurry up and make the vaccine rather than pussying around with treatments), and I'm really interested in how to incorporate "alternative" medicine into that.
So, right now, I take:
1000mg of Niacin (lowers cholesterol really well and doesn't have the dangerous side effects of statin drugs....yes, this is proven. Ask your doc. He'll give you a Rx for Niacin. It's cheap, cheap, cheap)
2400mg of Omega-3 oils (Heart Healthy! And may or may not help maintain BP)
1 Multi-Vitamin with Folate (cause I don't want a kid with 3 heads one day)
400 IU of Vitamin E (antioxidant)
1000mg of Cinnamon (improves your metabolism of sugar to prevent and/or control Diabetes....yes, this is also pretty well accepted)
4 Tums/day for the Calcium
I am ALWAYS on the prowl for a new, fun vitamin to try. I get giddy when I get my JAMA and see an article about a vitamin or herbal study.
So, if you have any suggestions for how to protect myself from a meteor falling on my head by taking Vitamin A, let me know!
Mom is coming tomorrow. We're going to get pizza and chill tomorrow night. Saturday AM, I have a review to go to for pathology, and mom said she'd come along. 3 hours of histopathology? Hmmm.. She wouldn't rather sleep in?
I washed my Uggs tonight. It's one of those things that has been on my "to do" list for so long that I just stopped writing it each week. Well, I finally cleaned them up. There's a few more things on the forgotten "to do" list that I think I want to get on soon. First, is to get rid of all the damn cardboard boxes in my apartment. Second, I need to remove all the Internal Medicine Club junk over to the storage closet at school. Third, I need to organize my CD's, which are in a giant pile of mess right now.
I really love being able to mark things off lists. It gives me a sense of closure and completion (is that even a word?).
I also like my pill box. I only take a few prescription medications every day, but I take a load of assorted vitamins and supplements. Don't worry, I'm not mixing anything dangerous or taking anything bad. At worst, they're doing nothing. At best, I am now protected from heart disease, cancer, Alzheimers and Diabetes. My educated guess is that their true effect lies somewhere between those extremes. Anyway, I bought a pill box from Wal-Mart that has really deep compartments. This is great for me because I take some really huge pills. I have pills for Morning, Noon, Evening, and Bedtime. I am a regular senior citizen! I really feel like I have accomplished something when an entire day's worth of compartments is empty and I know I took everything I was supposed to take.
Alternative medicine and natural remedies have become my new obsession. I've always really loved preventitive medicine (ie hurry up and make the vaccine rather than pussying around with treatments), and I'm really interested in how to incorporate "alternative" medicine into that.
So, right now, I take:
1000mg of Niacin (lowers cholesterol really well and doesn't have the dangerous side effects of statin drugs....yes, this is proven. Ask your doc. He'll give you a Rx for Niacin. It's cheap, cheap, cheap)
2400mg of Omega-3 oils (Heart Healthy! And may or may not help maintain BP)
1 Multi-Vitamin with Folate (cause I don't want a kid with 3 heads one day)
400 IU of Vitamin E (antioxidant)
1000mg of Cinnamon (improves your metabolism of sugar to prevent and/or control Diabetes....yes, this is also pretty well accepted)
4 Tums/day for the Calcium
I am ALWAYS on the prowl for a new, fun vitamin to try. I get giddy when I get my JAMA and see an article about a vitamin or herbal study.
So, if you have any suggestions for how to protect myself from a meteor falling on my head by taking Vitamin A, let me know!
Saturday, February 17, 2007
February 17, 2007 10:30pm
An exam on Monday....
Mom is coming to visit on Friday.....
That is my upcoming week.
I have a mess of books around me. It's completely disorganized, yet I feel smarter just having them open to random pages.
For those of you who need a visual.....
Please note that the printer/scanner/copier also makes a very handy stand for my Diet Pepsi bottle. If I left it on the desk with the computer, the lamp makes it warm.
I also discovered that my shower is harboring some nasty mildew.
Another visual....
WTF is this stuff?
My shower curtain got some nasty nasty stuff growing in a fold of it.....
It got so out of hand, that it grew legs and ran out on me.....
Honestly, I'm not a slob. I don't know what happened with this bathtub, but something has gone horribly, horribly wrong.
I got some cleaner today from Wal-Mart, but it didn't remove the mildew. I can't find anything to remove mildew, just soap scum. Am I the only person in the world with the crud growing in their shower??
If anyone can identify the mystery mold, please let me know what you think it is.
In other news, I was recently informed that I must stop trying to rescue people from their own mistakes. Even when I'm seeing someone about to do something terrible to their life, I must resist the urge to swoop in, try to stop them, and then get upset when they don't listen to me.
Easier said than done. Having been through some shitty stuff, I feel like it gives my experiences some purpose if I can serve as a warning to others.
"Don't do it! He's immature! You're never going to change him."
But, he's come so far and...
"No! He's never going to change. He's always going to be an unmotivated, directionless child."
You're right. I shouldn't marry him. I need to break up with him.
::beep boop::
"What's that?"
I have a text message. Oooh, he's so sweet. He loves me soooo much!
Sigh.
On one hand, I want to warn my friends when I see disaster approaching. I want to tell them what I see in the tea leaves. I hope I can save them from the same struggles I've had.
On the other, I feel like a hypocrite. Who am I to tell someone else what does and does not make a good relationship? I cringe just thinking about someone making that connection one day and reminding me that I haven't managed to keep a relationship together successfully, so how can I tell them what to do?
I have also recently come up with a brilliantly simple business opportunity. An internet friend matching site. Just hear me out, now. It seems to me that there are hundreds, if not thousands, of internet dating sites. Eharmony, Match, Yahoo Personals, AOL Personals just to name a few. Then there are those for looking for romance within a specific race, religion, political view, occupation, or special interest.
Wouldn't it make sense to have a way to make friends this way as well? If it's so difficult to find a date, isn't it equally (if not more) difficult to find a good friendship? A pal? someone to go to lunch with?
I have looked and looked and can't seem to find any such program. It's so brilliantly simple.
Most people make friends through work, school, or their neighborhood. Well, I live around old people, I don't get along with my classmates, and I have no job right now. So, FindAPal.com would be my perfect option!
Much like my vertical hospital evacuation system idea, I'm fairly sure it is another idea that will go unnoticed until someone else makes a million dollars on it.
Mom is coming to visit on Friday.....
That is my upcoming week.
I have a mess of books around me. It's completely disorganized, yet I feel smarter just having them open to random pages.
For those of you who need a visual.....
Please note that the printer/scanner/copier also makes a very handy stand for my Diet Pepsi bottle. If I left it on the desk with the computer, the lamp makes it warm.
I also discovered that my shower is harboring some nasty mildew.
Another visual....
WTF is this stuff?
My shower curtain got some nasty nasty stuff growing in a fold of it.....
It got so out of hand, that it grew legs and ran out on me.....
Honestly, I'm not a slob. I don't know what happened with this bathtub, but something has gone horribly, horribly wrong.
I got some cleaner today from Wal-Mart, but it didn't remove the mildew. I can't find anything to remove mildew, just soap scum. Am I the only person in the world with the crud growing in their shower??
If anyone can identify the mystery mold, please let me know what you think it is.
In other news, I was recently informed that I must stop trying to rescue people from their own mistakes. Even when I'm seeing someone about to do something terrible to their life, I must resist the urge to swoop in, try to stop them, and then get upset when they don't listen to me.
Easier said than done. Having been through some shitty stuff, I feel like it gives my experiences some purpose if I can serve as a warning to others.
"Don't do it! He's immature! You're never going to change him."
But, he's come so far and...
"No! He's never going to change. He's always going to be an unmotivated, directionless child."
You're right. I shouldn't marry him. I need to break up with him.
::beep boop::
"What's that?"
I have a text message. Oooh, he's so sweet. He loves me soooo much!
Sigh.
On one hand, I want to warn my friends when I see disaster approaching. I want to tell them what I see in the tea leaves. I hope I can save them from the same struggles I've had.
On the other, I feel like a hypocrite. Who am I to tell someone else what does and does not make a good relationship? I cringe just thinking about someone making that connection one day and reminding me that I haven't managed to keep a relationship together successfully, so how can I tell them what to do?
I have also recently come up with a brilliantly simple business opportunity. An internet friend matching site. Just hear me out, now. It seems to me that there are hundreds, if not thousands, of internet dating sites. Eharmony, Match, Yahoo Personals, AOL Personals just to name a few. Then there are those for looking for romance within a specific race, religion, political view, occupation, or special interest.
Wouldn't it make sense to have a way to make friends this way as well? If it's so difficult to find a date, isn't it equally (if not more) difficult to find a good friendship? A pal? someone to go to lunch with?
I have looked and looked and can't seem to find any such program. It's so brilliantly simple.
Most people make friends through work, school, or their neighborhood. Well, I live around old people, I don't get along with my classmates, and I have no job right now. So, FindAPal.com would be my perfect option!
Much like my vertical hospital evacuation system idea, I'm fairly sure it is another idea that will go unnoticed until someone else makes a million dollars on it.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
February 11, 2007 1:13am
The idea of having to take an anti-depressant for the rest of my life doesn't scare me.
The idea of never being able to sleep like a normal person and always having to take something to sleep, however, terrifies me.
When I tell someone that I don't sleep at night or that I don't sleep well, I don't think how serious this is or how much of a problem this is for me really gets through. It sounds like a simple enough issue. Hell, there's that cute commercial with Abe Lincoln and the groundhog in it about this very problem.
But it's not all dead presidents and garden critters. I can't sleep. I can not sleep. I lay in bed until the sun comes up. I am tired, but sleep does not come. My mind is so shot that I can't do anything but lay in bed or watch tv.
Oh I do eventually get some rest. If left on my own, I would fall asleep around 9am and wake up about 3pm. It isn't just a problem of reversing my wake-sleep cycle, though. Even on days when I'm awake at 8am, I'm still not sleepy until sometime the next morning around 7 or 8.
Even when I do sleep, I don't sleep well and I feel very tired when I get up.
So, I must take my coma pill to get any sleep. The problem here is that I feel somewhat drugged.
I just want to feel like a normal person again.
The idea of never being able to sleep like a normal person and always having to take something to sleep, however, terrifies me.
When I tell someone that I don't sleep at night or that I don't sleep well, I don't think how serious this is or how much of a problem this is for me really gets through. It sounds like a simple enough issue. Hell, there's that cute commercial with Abe Lincoln and the groundhog in it about this very problem.
But it's not all dead presidents and garden critters. I can't sleep. I can not sleep. I lay in bed until the sun comes up. I am tired, but sleep does not come. My mind is so shot that I can't do anything but lay in bed or watch tv.
Oh I do eventually get some rest. If left on my own, I would fall asleep around 9am and wake up about 3pm. It isn't just a problem of reversing my wake-sleep cycle, though. Even on days when I'm awake at 8am, I'm still not sleepy until sometime the next morning around 7 or 8.
Even when I do sleep, I don't sleep well and I feel very tired when I get up.
So, I must take my coma pill to get any sleep. The problem here is that I feel somewhat drugged.
I just want to feel like a normal person again.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
February 7, 2007 12:22am
Headache. Headache. Hurts!
I hate folding laundry. I love taking dirty laundry and putting it into the machine, watching the water fall onto it, putting the soap in. I even like throwing stuff in the dryer.
I hate folding laundry.
As a result, I've been living out of a laundry basket of clean, unfolded clothes.
The tricky part is that the laundry basket is in the living room. This means I have to parade around naked every morning. Good thing I live alone.
I hate folding laundry. I love taking dirty laundry and putting it into the machine, watching the water fall onto it, putting the soap in. I even like throwing stuff in the dryer.
I hate folding laundry.
As a result, I've been living out of a laundry basket of clean, unfolded clothes.
The tricky part is that the laundry basket is in the living room. This means I have to parade around naked every morning. Good thing I live alone.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
January 28, 2007 8:52pm
I can't find my mother. This worries me. She's always home on Saturday nights and she isn't answering the phone. She doesn't carry a cell phone, so it's impossibl to track her down. I immediately start thinking the worst and work myself into a hissy of it.
I'm sure she'll turn up.
Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about how isolated I am and how it was that way for me even as a kid and as a teenager.
Then I got Abigail, my Golden Retriever. I was 12 and full of acne and awkwardness, she was 8 weeks old and had trouble controlling her stopping when she'd slide across the tarazzo floor in my parents' house.
She was my buddy. Wherever I went, she went. Whatever I did, she did. She was a good listener and a wonderful friend. If I was upset and crying in my room, she would run and get my mom.
Abby had a few behavior "issues", though. One was that we never broke her of jumping up on people until the arthritis in her hind legs got so bad that she just couldn't do it anymore. Probably our fault. Her other problem was that she was terrified of thunderstorms. She would be a wreck, and everyone else in the house would be going crazy because she wouldn't leave us alone. If it was nighttime, she would climb into my mom's bed and try to sit on her face. Abby would get really frustrated and try to dig herself a hole in the tile or tarazzo floors in the house. She failed miserably.
We finally had to start giving her tranquilizers when the thunderstorm approached. A whole pill turned out to be too much because she was zonked out for 48 hours. We tried a quarter of a pill, but the problem there was that she was conscious enough to know there was a thunderstorm, but didn't have the physical energy to freak out. This caused her to have an anxiety attack. Ever seen a dog have an anxiety attack? It looks just like when a human has one, but there's more drool.
Half a pill seemed to do the trick.
When I first got her, we kept her in a cage when nobody was home. My friends would tell me how cruel it was that we put her in a cage, but she didn't seem to mind it. When she would get sleepy, she would just climb into it at night herself as if it was her own little apartment. When she got older we stopped using the cage and she just slept wherever she landed for the night.
For the most part, she was a good dog. But when she was really young she liked to take off any chance she got. She always ran to the end of the driveway, put her front paws in front of her to go into a sliding stop, and then turn around and run back to the house.
It became a routine. I'd come home from school, put her on her leash, open the front door and she would take off like a bat out of hell to the end of the driveway, turn around, run back to me, and we'd go for a walk down the road. I lived on a dirty road with woods all around so there was plenty of fun places to explore with her.
The one day, when she was about 6 months old, the routine changed. I came home, put her on her leash, opened the door, she took off.....and kept going.
I saw her reach the end of the driveway with no plans of stopping. She made a quick right and started running down the road. I went chasing after her and yelling "Abigail! Abigail! Come back here!". Now I was starting to worry.
I ran all the way to the end of the road and I couldn't find her. She was missing. I was in a complete panic. I started running through the woods to find her, but I didn't see her there either. I ran back to the house, thinking that maybe she found her way back there, but no such luck.
I started crying and slowly walking down the road in the direction she ran. Paw prints! I saw paw prints in the dirt! I followed the paw prints almost to the end of the road where they suddenly stopped. They stopped right where some tire marks were. Oh no! She's been dognapped!
Ran back to the house with tears streaming down my face. I called the local police department and said something like this.... "Hi...I...um...::hiccup:: I was walking my...um ::hiccup::: dog in the dirt road and she...."
Dispatcher: Oh, honey, did you lose your dog?
Me: Ye-yes.
Dispatcher: We have her here. Can you come get her?
Me: O-O-Okay. ::hiccup:::
So I took another leash of hers and walked over to the police station. I walk in the front door and the woman at the desk directs me to the back.
Now, you have to understand that I grew up in a really small town. In area, it's less than 1 square mile. The police department has 11 officers. I know all of them.
She takes me into the back where the holding cells are. Not dog cages...human holding cells. They had two holding cells. In one was a very angry looking teeanger, in the other was someone sitting in a chair, and there was Abigail laying all curled up on the cot.
She saw me and slowly got off the cot and waited at the cell door for the lady to open it. She had her head down and she walked toward me with her head down and tail between her legs but wagging nervously.
Apparently, what happened was just as she took off down the road, a police office was driving through. She managed to catch up to his car and he took her back to the police station. They didn't have any cages for dogs, so they had to put her in a holding cell. Unfortunately, both holding cells were occupied with people waiting to be processed or taken to county jail or whatever it is that happens with them. So they put her in the one cell and when the guy got up off the cot she climbed onto it and wouldn't get off. The police just gave the man a chair and declared them cellmates until I came to retrieve the Retriever.
After a long lecture on the walk home, I think she understood that running away was not acceptable.
She never even went so much as out of the back yard without someone with her.
See, and who says jail isn't a deterrent?
I'm sure she'll turn up.
Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about how isolated I am and how it was that way for me even as a kid and as a teenager.
Then I got Abigail, my Golden Retriever. I was 12 and full of acne and awkwardness, she was 8 weeks old and had trouble controlling her stopping when she'd slide across the tarazzo floor in my parents' house.
She was my buddy. Wherever I went, she went. Whatever I did, she did. She was a good listener and a wonderful friend. If I was upset and crying in my room, she would run and get my mom.
Abby had a few behavior "issues", though. One was that we never broke her of jumping up on people until the arthritis in her hind legs got so bad that she just couldn't do it anymore. Probably our fault. Her other problem was that she was terrified of thunderstorms. She would be a wreck, and everyone else in the house would be going crazy because she wouldn't leave us alone. If it was nighttime, she would climb into my mom's bed and try to sit on her face. Abby would get really frustrated and try to dig herself a hole in the tile or tarazzo floors in the house. She failed miserably.
We finally had to start giving her tranquilizers when the thunderstorm approached. A whole pill turned out to be too much because she was zonked out for 48 hours. We tried a quarter of a pill, but the problem there was that she was conscious enough to know there was a thunderstorm, but didn't have the physical energy to freak out. This caused her to have an anxiety attack. Ever seen a dog have an anxiety attack? It looks just like when a human has one, but there's more drool.
Half a pill seemed to do the trick.
When I first got her, we kept her in a cage when nobody was home. My friends would tell me how cruel it was that we put her in a cage, but she didn't seem to mind it. When she would get sleepy, she would just climb into it at night herself as if it was her own little apartment. When she got older we stopped using the cage and she just slept wherever she landed for the night.
For the most part, she was a good dog. But when she was really young she liked to take off any chance she got. She always ran to the end of the driveway, put her front paws in front of her to go into a sliding stop, and then turn around and run back to the house.
It became a routine. I'd come home from school, put her on her leash, open the front door and she would take off like a bat out of hell to the end of the driveway, turn around, run back to me, and we'd go for a walk down the road. I lived on a dirty road with woods all around so there was plenty of fun places to explore with her.
The one day, when she was about 6 months old, the routine changed. I came home, put her on her leash, opened the door, she took off.....and kept going.
I saw her reach the end of the driveway with no plans of stopping. She made a quick right and started running down the road. I went chasing after her and yelling "Abigail! Abigail! Come back here!". Now I was starting to worry.
I ran all the way to the end of the road and I couldn't find her. She was missing. I was in a complete panic. I started running through the woods to find her, but I didn't see her there either. I ran back to the house, thinking that maybe she found her way back there, but no such luck.
I started crying and slowly walking down the road in the direction she ran. Paw prints! I saw paw prints in the dirt! I followed the paw prints almost to the end of the road where they suddenly stopped. They stopped right where some tire marks were. Oh no! She's been dognapped!
Ran back to the house with tears streaming down my face. I called the local police department and said something like this.... "Hi...I...um...::hiccup:: I was walking my...um ::hiccup::: dog in the dirt road and she...."
Dispatcher: Oh, honey, did you lose your dog?
Me: Ye-yes.
Dispatcher: We have her here. Can you come get her?
Me: O-O-Okay. ::hiccup:::
So I took another leash of hers and walked over to the police station. I walk in the front door and the woman at the desk directs me to the back.
Now, you have to understand that I grew up in a really small town. In area, it's less than 1 square mile. The police department has 11 officers. I know all of them.
She takes me into the back where the holding cells are. Not dog cages...human holding cells. They had two holding cells. In one was a very angry looking teeanger, in the other was someone sitting in a chair, and there was Abigail laying all curled up on the cot.
She saw me and slowly got off the cot and waited at the cell door for the lady to open it. She had her head down and she walked toward me with her head down and tail between her legs but wagging nervously.
Apparently, what happened was just as she took off down the road, a police office was driving through. She managed to catch up to his car and he took her back to the police station. They didn't have any cages for dogs, so they had to put her in a holding cell. Unfortunately, both holding cells were occupied with people waiting to be processed or taken to county jail or whatever it is that happens with them. So they put her in the one cell and when the guy got up off the cot she climbed onto it and wouldn't get off. The police just gave the man a chair and declared them cellmates until I came to retrieve the Retriever.
After a long lecture on the walk home, I think she understood that running away was not acceptable.
She never even went so much as out of the back yard without someone with her.
See, and who says jail isn't a deterrent?
Friday, January 26, 2007
January 26, 2007 7:39pm
Feeling a little better today. I got some new orders from the doc.
I'm starting to realize just how isolated I am here. I have a few friends, but nobody I'm particularly close to. I'm very frustrated with how my classmates act.
Wednesday night I went out to dinner with some friends. From the second we sat down in the restaurant, the conversation revolved around how quickly could they get a drink and how drunk they wanted to get. The rest of the night was just stories about toilet bowl hugging moments.
I can't deal with that shit.
So, tonight, instead of going to the "girls night" potluck dinner, I'm sitting at home feeling very annoyed that this is what I'm stuck with here.
It's lonely, and I'm miserable.
I sit here now with my glass of wine and pizza and wonder why it is that I can't communicate with my peers. The therapist says that maybe I'm just at a different maturity level than them. I think I've spent so much of my life thinking that since I'm different there must be something wrong with me, that the idea that I'm different because I've grown up more is just hard to believe.
I am lonely, though. I just want some friends to hang out with. I don't even mean I want or need a boyfriend or man in my life. I just want a buddy down here.
I'm starting to realize just how isolated I am here. I have a few friends, but nobody I'm particularly close to. I'm very frustrated with how my classmates act.
Wednesday night I went out to dinner with some friends. From the second we sat down in the restaurant, the conversation revolved around how quickly could they get a drink and how drunk they wanted to get. The rest of the night was just stories about toilet bowl hugging moments.
I can't deal with that shit.
So, tonight, instead of going to the "girls night" potluck dinner, I'm sitting at home feeling very annoyed that this is what I'm stuck with here.
It's lonely, and I'm miserable.
I sit here now with my glass of wine and pizza and wonder why it is that I can't communicate with my peers. The therapist says that maybe I'm just at a different maturity level than them. I think I've spent so much of my life thinking that since I'm different there must be something wrong with me, that the idea that I'm different because I've grown up more is just hard to believe.
I am lonely, though. I just want some friends to hang out with. I don't even mean I want or need a boyfriend or man in my life. I just want a buddy down here.
Monday, January 22, 2007
January 22, 2006 7:53pm
I'm circling the drain. That's the best way I can come up with how to describe how I feel right now.
Made an appointment with the shrink for the end of the week.
Just feeling lousy. Keep thinking negatively. I'm so sick of this. I can't even pinpoint something that is bothering me or upsetting me. I spend an absurd amount of time worrying about things I have no control over. I worry about things that may or may not happen 5, 10, 15 or more years from now.
This has got to stop. It's keeping me from doing the things that I do have some control over.
Made an appointment with the shrink for the end of the week.
Just feeling lousy. Keep thinking negatively. I'm so sick of this. I can't even pinpoint something that is bothering me or upsetting me. I spend an absurd amount of time worrying about things I have no control over. I worry about things that may or may not happen 5, 10, 15 or more years from now.
This has got to stop. It's keeping me from doing the things that I do have some control over.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
January 18, 2007 1:15am
I'm considering renaming this blog "Adventures in Insomnia Land".
Even taking the Seroquel doesn't knock me out anymore. Nothing...absolutely nothing lets me sleep.
If I could just get out of my head at night, I might be able to catch a few winks.
I've always been a night owl. Even as a little kid I stayed up late. I was never a morning person, but I got up when I had to.
This is getting a little ridiculous, though. I can't get to sleep until after 4am. I'm fine to sleep until noon or 1. Unfortunately, I have to go to class.
Tomorrow I have to go an hour away to a clinic. I'm seeing patients with a doc there from 1-5 or whenever they are finished. I love getting to see patients, but I'm afraid I'm going to forget something or miss something or not know what's wrong with them.
I guess that's why I'm a medical student, though. Eh? To learn. If I miss something or get something wrong it's the doc's job to know that and teach me. If I knew everything and did everything correctly, there wouldn't be any point in me being in medical school. I could just hang out a shingle.
Ok, I feel better about that now.
Even taking the Seroquel doesn't knock me out anymore. Nothing...absolutely nothing lets me sleep.
If I could just get out of my head at night, I might be able to catch a few winks.
I've always been a night owl. Even as a little kid I stayed up late. I was never a morning person, but I got up when I had to.
This is getting a little ridiculous, though. I can't get to sleep until after 4am. I'm fine to sleep until noon or 1. Unfortunately, I have to go to class.
Tomorrow I have to go an hour away to a clinic. I'm seeing patients with a doc there from 1-5 or whenever they are finished. I love getting to see patients, but I'm afraid I'm going to forget something or miss something or not know what's wrong with them.
I guess that's why I'm a medical student, though. Eh? To learn. If I miss something or get something wrong it's the doc's job to know that and teach me. If I knew everything and did everything correctly, there wouldn't be any point in me being in medical school. I could just hang out a shingle.
Ok, I feel better about that now.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
January 16, 2007 9:18pm
Today was a great day, and there was absolutely no reason for it being so.
Last night was probably the worst night I've had sleeping in a long time. I finished all my school work relatively early, took a shower, got into my pj's, got comfy on the couch, took my sleep meds and waited for sleep to come.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
Finally got tired around 3am. Went up to bed. Read a little of my book. Laid there. Laid there. Couldn't get comfortable, but was so tired I could hardly move myself around.
Around 4am I got tired of that crap and brought my blanket and pillow downstairs. Cozied up on the couch again. Decided to be a little productive and do some board review questions, but since I was so mentally exhausted I couldn't concentrate on anything. Watched tv until 5:15am and was finally able to go to bed.
I had to get up at 8am for school. That sucked. Woke up late and tore out of here.
Now, here's what made today a great day.....
After class this morning (mandatory), I didn't just come home, roll onto the couch, and call it a day. That's what I've typically been doing lately. Or I've been just blowing off the entire morning, or the whole day. Thus leaving me home alone for more hours in the day and further perpetuating my feeling of isolation.
Nope. At noon I came home, made a quick lunch, took a shower, got dressed in a cute green skirt, a cream colored turtleneck, and my brown boots. I even put make-up on! Headed back to school for the rest of the afternoon.
Putting on nice clothes and make-up was psychological for me. It made me feel good to look good. It felt good to force myself to do something that was good for me, but not easy.
I still haven't made it back to my jujitsu class, but one thing at a time.
When I got home this afternoon, I crashed for a nap because of only having 3 hours of sleep last night. That's ok, though.
Did I mention that I started going to see a therapist? Well, I did. Going again tomorrow. I really like her. First, it's super easy to get an appointment and she has night hours which works well for my school schedule and my inabaility to be awake before noon most days.
She shoots straight with me. Doesn't spend an hour blowing smoke up my ass. In our first session, I told her my sob story of failed relationships. She was taking notes furiously and then looked up and said, "So, you're telling me you have a habit of picking men who have no balls?"
Um. I guess I do!
Time to hit the books!
Last night was probably the worst night I've had sleeping in a long time. I finished all my school work relatively early, took a shower, got into my pj's, got comfy on the couch, took my sleep meds and waited for sleep to come.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
Finally got tired around 3am. Went up to bed. Read a little of my book. Laid there. Laid there. Couldn't get comfortable, but was so tired I could hardly move myself around.
Around 4am I got tired of that crap and brought my blanket and pillow downstairs. Cozied up on the couch again. Decided to be a little productive and do some board review questions, but since I was so mentally exhausted I couldn't concentrate on anything. Watched tv until 5:15am and was finally able to go to bed.
I had to get up at 8am for school. That sucked. Woke up late and tore out of here.
Now, here's what made today a great day.....
After class this morning (mandatory), I didn't just come home, roll onto the couch, and call it a day. That's what I've typically been doing lately. Or I've been just blowing off the entire morning, or the whole day. Thus leaving me home alone for more hours in the day and further perpetuating my feeling of isolation.
Nope. At noon I came home, made a quick lunch, took a shower, got dressed in a cute green skirt, a cream colored turtleneck, and my brown boots. I even put make-up on! Headed back to school for the rest of the afternoon.
Putting on nice clothes and make-up was psychological for me. It made me feel good to look good. It felt good to force myself to do something that was good for me, but not easy.
I still haven't made it back to my jujitsu class, but one thing at a time.
When I got home this afternoon, I crashed for a nap because of only having 3 hours of sleep last night. That's ok, though.
Did I mention that I started going to see a therapist? Well, I did. Going again tomorrow. I really like her. First, it's super easy to get an appointment and she has night hours which works well for my school schedule and my inabaility to be awake before noon most days.
She shoots straight with me. Doesn't spend an hour blowing smoke up my ass. In our first session, I told her my sob story of failed relationships. She was taking notes furiously and then looked up and said, "So, you're telling me you have a habit of picking men who have no balls?"
Um. I guess I do!
Time to hit the books!
Sunday, January 14, 2007
January 14, 2007 8:45pm
Feeling pretty much ok today. If I could get my sleeping situation under control then I might be happier. Still up every night until 4am or later, and then sleep until 1 or 2pm.
I got a new printer. It's a Xerox color laser printer, copier, and scanner. It was delivered by FedEx on Friday. Unfortunately, they delivered it to the wrong place. I ALWAYS have a problem when FEDEx or DHL deliver anything to me. They're always bringing it to the wrong house. There's an estate on the other side of the highway with the same name as the road I live on. They just bring stuff there to this house instead of to me.
So Friday afternoon I was checking the FedEx tracking web site to see where my printer was. Around 4:30 I checked and it said it had been delivered at 1:30pm. Um. No. I would have noticed a 52lb box at my doorstep. So, I called FedEx and they said they would try to track down the driver and find out where it is.
10 minutes later my phone rings. I didn't recognize the name on the caller ID, but it was a local number.
Me: Hello?
Voice: Eh, hellooooo. Is this Miss Elizabeth M---?
Me: Yes
Voice: This is Miss Hamilton's aide. We have a package here for you. It is a very large package. Miss Hamilton would like you to retrieve it as soon as possible as it is in her foyer at the moment. Me: Oh, well, um, I think FedEx is going to pick it up and redeliver....
Voice: Nooooooo, I called them. They will not deliver it until Tuesday. Miss Hamilton will not be responsible for this item. As I said, it is very large. Could you please come get it?
Me: Well, er, sure.
Voice: Ehthank you.
Me: Wait!
Voice: EhYes?
Me: Where are you?
Voice: EhMiss Hamilton's house.
Me: Ok. And that is?
Voice: The Hamilton Estate
Me: Right. Um, and how do I get there?
Voice: You drive through the gates of the Hamilton Estate, past the caboose, up the winding road, and I will be waiting for you in the driveway.
Me: Ok, see, but I don't know where that is.
Voice: The Hamilton Estate.
Me: Yes.
Voice: Ok, then we shall be expecting you?
It was my own private Who's on First. For the Love of God and all that is Holy! Please just give me an address, a coordinate, a landmark. Anything!
Me: Ma'am?
Voice: Ehyes?
Me: I'm sorry, but I'm not very familiar with the area. I need directions to get to the Hamilton Estate.
Voice:Ehyou don't know the Hamilton Estate?
Me: No
Voice: Ehwell, it's the most well known property in the area.
Me: Really? I thought that wal Wal Mart (nervous giggle)
Voice:Ehno. You must drive north on the highway and make a left at the first break in the board fence. Then follow the directions I gave you through the property.
Me: Right. Ok. I'll be there shortly.
Jumped in the truck and found the famous (infamous) Hamilton Estate. Sure as shit, there was a bright yellow train caboose and a winding road. I pulled up to a house that looked like the one that Daddy Warbucks lived in. I expected Punjab to greet me at the door and levitate the box out to me.
No such luck. The BEWARE of DOG sign at the front gates were a bit intimidating, as well as the giant steel H's in the gates. I parked the truck and met the aide at the front door. The dog that I was supposed to beware of turned out to be a French Poodle. Ooooh, scary.
At this point, I'm thinking that the scene is just too unreal. I had just walked into a scene from Great Expectations. I was sure there would be an old woman in a wedding dress sitting at a dining room table, staring at a rotting wedding cake. Behold my future!
The aide helped me get the box outside and into my truck. She also asked that I please tell FedEx to stop delivering my packages to them. Sure, because I have so much control over that. You'd think that after the driver has had to retrieve packages from there at least 3 or 4 times now he/she would get the point. Guess not.
Got the printer all set up and I'm quite pleased with it.
At least I also got a good story out of it.
I got a new printer. It's a Xerox color laser printer, copier, and scanner. It was delivered by FedEx on Friday. Unfortunately, they delivered it to the wrong place. I ALWAYS have a problem when FEDEx or DHL deliver anything to me. They're always bringing it to the wrong house. There's an estate on the other side of the highway with the same name as the road I live on. They just bring stuff there to this house instead of to me.
So Friday afternoon I was checking the FedEx tracking web site to see where my printer was. Around 4:30 I checked and it said it had been delivered at 1:30pm. Um. No. I would have noticed a 52lb box at my doorstep. So, I called FedEx and they said they would try to track down the driver and find out where it is.
10 minutes later my phone rings. I didn't recognize the name on the caller ID, but it was a local number.
Me: Hello?
Voice: Eh, hellooooo. Is this Miss Elizabeth M---?
Me: Yes
Voice: This is Miss Hamilton's aide. We have a package here for you. It is a very large package. Miss Hamilton would like you to retrieve it as soon as possible as it is in her foyer at the moment. Me: Oh, well, um, I think FedEx is going to pick it up and redeliver....
Voice: Nooooooo, I called them. They will not deliver it until Tuesday. Miss Hamilton will not be responsible for this item. As I said, it is very large. Could you please come get it?
Me: Well, er, sure.
Voice: Ehthank you.
Me: Wait!
Voice: EhYes?
Me: Where are you?
Voice: EhMiss Hamilton's house.
Me: Ok. And that is?
Voice: The Hamilton Estate
Me: Right. Um, and how do I get there?
Voice: You drive through the gates of the Hamilton Estate, past the caboose, up the winding road, and I will be waiting for you in the driveway.
Me: Ok, see, but I don't know where that is.
Voice: The Hamilton Estate.
Me: Yes.
Voice: Ok, then we shall be expecting you?
It was my own private Who's on First. For the Love of God and all that is Holy! Please just give me an address, a coordinate, a landmark. Anything!
Me: Ma'am?
Voice: Ehyes?
Me: I'm sorry, but I'm not very familiar with the area. I need directions to get to the Hamilton Estate.
Voice:Ehyou don't know the Hamilton Estate?
Me: No
Voice: Ehwell, it's the most well known property in the area.
Me: Really? I thought that wal Wal Mart (nervous giggle)
Voice:Ehno. You must drive north on the highway and make a left at the first break in the board fence. Then follow the directions I gave you through the property.
Me: Right. Ok. I'll be there shortly.
Jumped in the truck and found the famous (infamous) Hamilton Estate. Sure as shit, there was a bright yellow train caboose and a winding road. I pulled up to a house that looked like the one that Daddy Warbucks lived in. I expected Punjab to greet me at the door and levitate the box out to me.
No such luck. The BEWARE of DOG sign at the front gates were a bit intimidating, as well as the giant steel H's in the gates. I parked the truck and met the aide at the front door. The dog that I was supposed to beware of turned out to be a French Poodle. Ooooh, scary.
At this point, I'm thinking that the scene is just too unreal. I had just walked into a scene from Great Expectations. I was sure there would be an old woman in a wedding dress sitting at a dining room table, staring at a rotting wedding cake. Behold my future!
The aide helped me get the box outside and into my truck. She also asked that I please tell FedEx to stop delivering my packages to them. Sure, because I have so much control over that. You'd think that after the driver has had to retrieve packages from there at least 3 or 4 times now he/she would get the point. Guess not.
Got the printer all set up and I'm quite pleased with it.
At least I also got a good story out of it.
Friday, January 12, 2007
January 12, 2007 2:49am
Friday. It's Friday.
And I'm still awake.
I'm watching Superman Returns. Not bad. Superman has a bastard son. Gotta love it! I want a Superman. No, actually I want Clark Kent. I want the dorky looking hottie who lives and breathes for me. I don't like how this movie ends. Superman and Lois should be together and raise their little bastard son like a real American alternative family. Geez.
In the mean time, I want a dog. I really, really, really want a dog. I had one when I was a kid. Her name was Abigail. I miss Abigail. I think about her a lot now, when I'm here alone and I just want a hug. Abby was always good for that. She was also a very good listener. Abby was a golden retriever. She had the softest hair, and the sweetest face.
So, I'm moving out of here in June and heading to a different town where I will start my 3rd year rotations. My mom is going to help me with the move since I'll also be studying for boards then. She agrees that a priority for me is to find an apartment that will let me have a dog. I'll be moving back to NJ for part of June to take my boards, so I might get one while I'm home from one of the shelters there. That way, the dog can get used to me spending long hours studying. PErhaps he or she can quiz me on topics? Well, that might be asking a bit much. I want a medium sized or big dog...like Abby was. Something I can get my arms around and hug and play with on the floor. I already have a name picked out. Socrates for a boy dog. Antigone for a girl dog.
For Christmas, my mom got me a stuffed dog. She even attached a Christmas card to him that reads, "Please give me a name. When you decide to get one of those smelly, panting, shedding things that cost a fortune at the vet, please don't forget about me. And remember, if you can't have the dog you love, love the dog you have. From _(name to be determined)_". I named him Plato.
I think having a buddy like that again will be good for me.
And I'm still awake.
I'm watching Superman Returns. Not bad. Superman has a bastard son. Gotta love it! I want a Superman. No, actually I want Clark Kent. I want the dorky looking hottie who lives and breathes for me. I don't like how this movie ends. Superman and Lois should be together and raise their little bastard son like a real American alternative family. Geez.
In the mean time, I want a dog. I really, really, really want a dog. I had one when I was a kid. Her name was Abigail. I miss Abigail. I think about her a lot now, when I'm here alone and I just want a hug. Abby was always good for that. She was also a very good listener. Abby was a golden retriever. She had the softest hair, and the sweetest face.
So, I'm moving out of here in June and heading to a different town where I will start my 3rd year rotations. My mom is going to help me with the move since I'll also be studying for boards then. She agrees that a priority for me is to find an apartment that will let me have a dog. I'll be moving back to NJ for part of June to take my boards, so I might get one while I'm home from one of the shelters there. That way, the dog can get used to me spending long hours studying. PErhaps he or she can quiz me on topics? Well, that might be asking a bit much. I want a medium sized or big dog...like Abby was. Something I can get my arms around and hug and play with on the floor. I already have a name picked out. Socrates for a boy dog. Antigone for a girl dog.
For Christmas, my mom got me a stuffed dog. She even attached a Christmas card to him that reads, "Please give me a name. When you decide to get one of those smelly, panting, shedding things that cost a fortune at the vet, please don't forget about me. And remember, if you can't have the dog you love, love the dog you have. From _(name to be determined)_". I named him Plato.
I think having a buddy like that again will be good for me.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
January 10, 2006 3:11pm
Writing early today.
The last few days have been sort of difficult for me. Not sure why. Just feeling low. Frustrated by the mess here, but I did spend some time putting things away and doing laundry.
I hate that I spend whole days being unhappy. I don't want to look back on my life and feel like I wasted a lot of time being miserable for no reason.
Sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm sad, sometimes I don't know how I feel. The whole thing just pisses me off.
I'm mad that I miss stuff about people who have hurt me. I'm mad that I miss the way the douche bag knew how to fix things...cars, the house, stereo. I'm mad that I miss finding things at the grocery store for him that he'd like. I'm mad at how I used to have fun with him no matter where we went or what we did. I'm mad at how mike and I used to such good friends, and now he's just gone with no reasonable explanation. I'm mad that I've had people in my life who I was good to and they treated me like shit and I didn't deserve it, but they tried to turn it on me to make themselves feel better.
I miss going to wall speedway and watching the races on saturday nights. I miss having someone to watch the race with me Sunday afternoon. I miss having a buddy who I could share stupid stuff with.
Ok, now I feel better.
On to nicer things. did I mention what eharmony dude #2's name was? Well, it's Roger. I think I must have had an odd tone in ym email to him yesterday, because this morning I had an email from him with the first line being "You sounded down, are you OK?" Shit, he's onto me. I'm a nut.
I just don't get excited about anything anymore. I need something to look forward to. Any ideas?
The last few days have been sort of difficult for me. Not sure why. Just feeling low. Frustrated by the mess here, but I did spend some time putting things away and doing laundry.
I hate that I spend whole days being unhappy. I don't want to look back on my life and feel like I wasted a lot of time being miserable for no reason.
Sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm sad, sometimes I don't know how I feel. The whole thing just pisses me off.
I'm mad that I miss stuff about people who have hurt me. I'm mad that I miss the way the douche bag knew how to fix things...cars, the house, stereo. I'm mad that I miss finding things at the grocery store for him that he'd like. I'm mad at how I used to have fun with him no matter where we went or what we did. I'm mad at how mike and I used to such good friends, and now he's just gone with no reasonable explanation. I'm mad that I've had people in my life who I was good to and they treated me like shit and I didn't deserve it, but they tried to turn it on me to make themselves feel better.
I miss going to wall speedway and watching the races on saturday nights. I miss having someone to watch the race with me Sunday afternoon. I miss having a buddy who I could share stupid stuff with.
Ok, now I feel better.
On to nicer things. did I mention what eharmony dude #2's name was? Well, it's Roger. I think I must have had an odd tone in ym email to him yesterday, because this morning I had an email from him with the first line being "You sounded down, are you OK?" Shit, he's onto me. I'm a nut.
I just don't get excited about anything anymore. I need something to look forward to. Any ideas?
Monday, January 08, 2007
January 8, 2007 1:25am
Back down in WV.
The drive was, of course, miserable because I hit the same rain that I had driving home two weeks ago. I hate driving in the rain. I think I actually prefer snow.
Unpacked the truck, but can't seem to pull myself together enough to unpack completely. All of my stuff is in the living room. A constant reminder of how lazy I am.
I called dude #2 while I was driving home. Had a nice long chat with him.
He really is a very nice guy.
But I'm still keeping my options open and emailed back some of my match and eharmony people. Dude #2 is currently in the lead. I like the way he lights up when I talk. I like how he is interested in the things I have to say.
Classes start tomorrow morning. I'm getting more and more tired of getting up in the morning and going to class. My attention span isn't that great, so I tend to lose interest about 10 minutes into class and start thinking about something else.
I got a Cuisinart food processor for Christmas. This thing is awesome! It does the typical food processing stuff, plus it works like a salad shooter by slicing vegetables up and also grating things like cheese.
I made some fab salads while I was home. I brought it down here with me so I can make all those things here. Briefly considered becoming a vegetarian, but decided that a new appliance is a bad reason to make a life choice like that.
Hope I can sleep well tonight. Feeling a little anxious about being here. Drowsy, but not sleepy. Having a TV in my bedroom at home helps because I put the sleep timer on and I fall asleep to the television. I don't have that here so I need to be about to drop before I hit the bedroom.
Go back to the therapist on Wednesday. I'm actually looking forward to that.
That's all for now!
The drive was, of course, miserable because I hit the same rain that I had driving home two weeks ago. I hate driving in the rain. I think I actually prefer snow.
Unpacked the truck, but can't seem to pull myself together enough to unpack completely. All of my stuff is in the living room. A constant reminder of how lazy I am.
I called dude #2 while I was driving home. Had a nice long chat with him.
He really is a very nice guy.
But I'm still keeping my options open and emailed back some of my match and eharmony people. Dude #2 is currently in the lead. I like the way he lights up when I talk. I like how he is interested in the things I have to say.
Classes start tomorrow morning. I'm getting more and more tired of getting up in the morning and going to class. My attention span isn't that great, so I tend to lose interest about 10 minutes into class and start thinking about something else.
I got a Cuisinart food processor for Christmas. This thing is awesome! It does the typical food processing stuff, plus it works like a salad shooter by slicing vegetables up and also grating things like cheese.
I made some fab salads while I was home. I brought it down here with me so I can make all those things here. Briefly considered becoming a vegetarian, but decided that a new appliance is a bad reason to make a life choice like that.
Hope I can sleep well tonight. Feeling a little anxious about being here. Drowsy, but not sleepy. Having a TV in my bedroom at home helps because I put the sleep timer on and I fall asleep to the television. I don't have that here so I need to be about to drop before I hit the bedroom.
Go back to the therapist on Wednesday. I'm actually looking forward to that.
That's all for now!
Friday, January 05, 2007
January 5, 2006 2:06am
So, date #2 with eharmony dude #2 happened tonight.
I had him come down to where I live. I felt he was safe enough. So we went out for sushi, I showed him the area, and then we came back to my house to open a bottle of wine and play some pool.
The evening went well. I had a good time.
He wants to see me again, but I don't think I can really pull that off since I'm leaving Sunday morning and I still need to pack and run some errands.
He smells good. Really good.
I had him come down to where I live. I felt he was safe enough. So we went out for sushi, I showed him the area, and then we came back to my house to open a bottle of wine and play some pool.
The evening went well. I had a good time.
He wants to see me again, but I don't think I can really pull that off since I'm leaving Sunday morning and I still need to pack and run some errands.
He smells good. Really good.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
December 31, 2006 10:41pm
Happy New Year! It's the last few hours of 2006.
My biggest challenge with every new year is remembering to write a new number on checks.
Okay, I wasn't going to say anything......
but......
I had a date last night.
Yes, a real date. A real live date. Like the kind of date that real grown-ups go on. Not like in high school where someone says "Will you go out with me?" and it means that you are boyfriend/girlfriend, but no actual dating occurs right away. And not the kind of dating where you're friends for a long time and then suddenly have a long passionate kiss while fireworks go off in the background.
This was a real date with someone I don't know very well.
Eharmony dude #2 to be exact.
Before I go into the details, I just want to note that on Dick Clark's/Ryan Seacrest's New Years Rockin Eve, many people in Times Square are standing there holding these large, red phallic looking objects. WTF is up with that?
Anyway, now the good stuff....
We had talked on the phone a few times and we were both eager to meet in person for a while now. So we decided that Saturday would be the day. He offered to drive down near where I am in NJ (he lives about an hour and a half north of me in NJ), but I wanted to meet halfway because if I didn't like him I would feel bad that he came so far.
He mapped out where halfway would be and suggested that we meet at the Menlo Park mall in Edison, NJ. I met him at Barnes and Noble at 5:00 last night. He greeted me with a hug. I was starving, so we went next door to the Cheesecake Factory. Of course, it was an hour wait. That gave us time to talk, though. Conversation was great. He laughed at all my jokes. Asked lots of questions about me. Dinner was great.
Then we went for a walk in the mall and to get some coffee. Sat at Starbucks and talked for a while longer. We got kicked out when the mall closed. He walked me to my truck.
And he ain't a bad kisser either. :-)
Ok, he did say something really sweet. He said the he thinks I am a beautiful and amazing woman and he wants to get to know me better.
And, like I said, ain't a bad kisser either. I gave him one good one. He came back for 3 more, but just got pecks.
Oh I'm so good!
My biggest challenge with every new year is remembering to write a new number on checks.
Okay, I wasn't going to say anything......
but......
I had a date last night.
Yes, a real date. A real live date. Like the kind of date that real grown-ups go on. Not like in high school where someone says "Will you go out with me?" and it means that you are boyfriend/girlfriend, but no actual dating occurs right away. And not the kind of dating where you're friends for a long time and then suddenly have a long passionate kiss while fireworks go off in the background.
This was a real date with someone I don't know very well.
Eharmony dude #2 to be exact.
Before I go into the details, I just want to note that on Dick Clark's/Ryan Seacrest's New Years Rockin Eve, many people in Times Square are standing there holding these large, red phallic looking objects. WTF is up with that?
Anyway, now the good stuff....
We had talked on the phone a few times and we were both eager to meet in person for a while now. So we decided that Saturday would be the day. He offered to drive down near where I am in NJ (he lives about an hour and a half north of me in NJ), but I wanted to meet halfway because if I didn't like him I would feel bad that he came so far.
He mapped out where halfway would be and suggested that we meet at the Menlo Park mall in Edison, NJ. I met him at Barnes and Noble at 5:00 last night. He greeted me with a hug. I was starving, so we went next door to the Cheesecake Factory. Of course, it was an hour wait. That gave us time to talk, though. Conversation was great. He laughed at all my jokes. Asked lots of questions about me. Dinner was great.
Then we went for a walk in the mall and to get some coffee. Sat at Starbucks and talked for a while longer. We got kicked out when the mall closed. He walked me to my truck.
And he ain't a bad kisser either. :-)
Ok, he did say something really sweet. He said the he thinks I am a beautiful and amazing woman and he wants to get to know me better.
And, like I said, ain't a bad kisser either. I gave him one good one. He came back for 3 more, but just got pecks.
Oh I'm so good!
Friday, December 29, 2006
December 29th, 2006 8:18pm
Today was my mom's birthday. We got a limo, went to lunch at the Highlawn Pavillion, and took a trip down memory lane...errrr.....my mom's old neighborhood she grew up in. My two aunts came with us. It was a nice day.
So today I've been thinking about New Years resolutions.
My first is to stop binge eating late at night. That's when my anxiety level is the highest and I tend to binge at night on whatever crap I can get my hands on.
Number two: Don't be afraid to get help when I need it.
Number three: Be more assertive (that's what the therapist told me to say).
Number four: Go back to jujitsu class and let out some of that anger in a more productive way
Number five: pass my boards that I'm taking this summer.
I'm taking my board exam this summer. It's the first of three exams to get my license. It is in the best interest of all my friends to help me pass these tests because if I get my license I can write prescriptions!
Number six: Calm the fuck down! Stop worrying about stuff I have no control over. Stop worrying about tomorrow, or, as the therapist says, "Stop borrowing trouble."
I think that's enough for now.
So today I've been thinking about New Years resolutions.
My first is to stop binge eating late at night. That's when my anxiety level is the highest and I tend to binge at night on whatever crap I can get my hands on.
Number two: Don't be afraid to get help when I need it.
Number three: Be more assertive (that's what the therapist told me to say).
Number four: Go back to jujitsu class and let out some of that anger in a more productive way
Number five: pass my boards that I'm taking this summer.
I'm taking my board exam this summer. It's the first of three exams to get my license. It is in the best interest of all my friends to help me pass these tests because if I get my license I can write prescriptions!
Number six: Calm the fuck down! Stop worrying about stuff I have no control over. Stop worrying about tomorrow, or, as the therapist says, "Stop borrowing trouble."
I think that's enough for now.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
December 28, 2006 1:33am
I hope everyone had a very very Merry Merry!
Mine was fabulous. Did tons of cooking. I had a blast. My family is apparently very picky when it comes to food, so with each course I got to hear "Oh, I don't eat that, but it looks good."
I should've shoved a salad fork up someone's ass.
That was the only bright spot. I hosted Christmas Eve dinner at my house so I got to use all the fancy utensils I had. Christmas Day was at my mom's, but I did the cooking there too.
I got a cuisinart food processor, a wusthof sankotu knife, some pajamas, and some gift certificates.
Now I have to start dieting because I ate too too much.
Being back in NJ makes me happy. I feel good right now. I feel like myself again. Ugh, I wish I could do the rest of this year from this house.
Mine was fabulous. Did tons of cooking. I had a blast. My family is apparently very picky when it comes to food, so with each course I got to hear "Oh, I don't eat that, but it looks good."
I should've shoved a salad fork up someone's ass.
That was the only bright spot. I hosted Christmas Eve dinner at my house so I got to use all the fancy utensils I had. Christmas Day was at my mom's, but I did the cooking there too.
I got a cuisinart food processor, a wusthof sankotu knife, some pajamas, and some gift certificates.
Now I have to start dieting because I ate too too much.
Being back in NJ makes me happy. I feel good right now. I feel like myself again. Ugh, I wish I could do the rest of this year from this house.
Monday, December 18, 2006
December 18, 2006 2:16am
Someone today told me that I should smile more. How does this look?
When I was a kid, I never showed my teeth when I smiled. The reason is because when I was in kindergarden, we got pictures taken at school and my grandmother didn't like how mine came out.
She didn't like them because my teeth were showing in the picture and she thought the pictures could be better. We went back to the photographer and he redid them. She even showed him a picture of me (taken by a photographer) from when I was 3. No teeth showing, but it was one of those smile/giggle smiles that you can really only do well when you're little.
I remember on our way over to the photographer, she reminded me over and over not to show my teeth in the picture. She made me practice a few times before we went just how I was going to smile.
The photographer didn't understand what was "wrong" with the pictures, but he retook them anyway. He kept telling me to smile bigger, but I was scared to because my grandmother was standing right there watching.
I had new, toothless pictures taken and all was well with the world.
Forever and ever after that, I always thought that teeth should not be shown in pictures. In fact, I thought they shouldn't be shown at all. Add to that the fact that I was very self conscious about the gap between my two front teeth. Whenever I smiled, I was always careful to keep my teeth covered. Sometimes I would slip up and smile really big, but then I'd remember the "no teeth" rule and retract it a bit.
But today, someone told me I should smile more often.
So here it is. What do ya think?
When I was a kid, I never showed my teeth when I smiled. The reason is because when I was in kindergarden, we got pictures taken at school and my grandmother didn't like how mine came out.She didn't like them because my teeth were showing in the picture and she thought the pictures could be better. We went back to the photographer and he redid them. She even showed him a picture of me (taken by a photographer) from when I was 3. No teeth showing, but it was one of those smile/giggle smiles that you can really only do well when you're little.
I remember on our way over to the photographer, she reminded me over and over not to show my teeth in the picture. She made me practice a few times before we went just how I was going to smile.
The photographer didn't understand what was "wrong" with the pictures, but he retook them anyway. He kept telling me to smile bigger, but I was scared to because my grandmother was standing right there watching.
I had new, toothless pictures taken and all was well with the world.
Forever and ever after that, I always thought that teeth should not be shown in pictures. In fact, I thought they shouldn't be shown at all. Add to that the fact that I was very self conscious about the gap between my two front teeth. Whenever I smiled, I was always careful to keep my teeth covered. Sometimes I would slip up and smile really big, but then I'd remember the "no teeth" rule and retract it a bit.
But today, someone told me I should smile more often.
So here it is. What do ya think?
Saturday, December 16, 2006
December 16, 2006 2:42am
The good, the bad, and the stuff I'm not sure about....
Let's start with the good: One more week of school and I'm done for Christmas break. I gave a lecture this week on Wednesday on disaster preparedness in hospitals. I did it at lunchtime. Had a lot of people there! I forgot how much I enjoyed doing that kind of work. Made me really happy to see so many people interested. It's been especially gratifying to have not only classmates, but also faculty come up to me and tell me how much they enjoyed it and how informative it was. And I wrote it all by meself! Well, mostly. I had some stuff left over from old lectures. But still, it was mostly me!
All of my Christmas shopping is done. I just have to wrap everything and I'm set.
I made an appointment to get my back "worked on" next week on Thursday by one of the docs from school. I've had chronic lower back pain since I was...oh...16. Went to an orthopedic surgeon, x-rays showed nothing, went to physical therapy. Nothing worked. I've just lived with it. It's always bad, but periodically gets worse. I haven't been able to sleep on my back in years. I can only sleep on my side with my hips flexed 90 degrees. If I stand up straight or sit up straight it hurts. The most comfortable position for me is curled in the fetal position, or (if sitting) shoulders slumped over so that my back is rounded out. This puts strain on my upper back...and a vicious cycle ensues.
Yes, yes, I know it isn't a very big deal and I shouldn't bitch. but I'm excited that I took the initiative to get some help with it. After a year and a half of osteopathy, I was able to diagnose myself. The pain has been getting worse the last few weeks so I'm excited to get it fixed!
The bad: Having a lousy night for no particular reason. Maybe I'm a little overwhelmed. I don't know. Been getting upset out of nowhere a lot lately.
Bachelor #1 turned out to be a little strange. Last time we spoke, he told me this story about his abusive father and how he would threaten the neighbors with a bat. And then how the dad shot a dog with a pellett gun one day for pooping on their lawn. I abruptly ended the conversation and haven't returned his 2 calls since. I feel bad, I really do, but I was just creeped out.
The stuff I'm not sure about: As much as I want to get out of here, I'm not sure how I feel about going home for christmas. Last Christmas, New Years, and the weeks after were just so shitty for me. I'm really not looking forward to reliving it.
I found a therapist in town. Well, I didn't find her, I was told about her. The first few therapists the shrink recommended to me were no good. The first only had office hours 1 day each week and I was in school during they time they were available. The next string of therapists were um...well...ministers. Now, I have no problem with ministers. If I was having a spiritual crisis, a priest or minister would be a logical place for me to turn. But this is different. I realize that they have training as therapists, but they do strictly faith based therapy. I'm sure that's just fine for some people, but I really don't want that. So, he told me about this woman in town. After procrastinating for a month, I finally called her. We played a bit of phone tag and actually connected today. I have an appointment for Monday afternoon. Not bad! While I know I won't suddenly be my normal stable self in 1 session, maybe she can give me some ideas of how to survive the following two weeks. :-/
I put this under the "not sure how I feel about it" category because I'm really not sure how I feel about doing this. It was hard enough for me to walk into the shrink's office. Then sitting in that waiting room thinking that I didn't belong there. Now I have to tell my story all over again to someone new, but she isn't going to hand me a bottle of pills so how am I going to feel any different?
And then there's Bachelor #2. Things with him are still going well. We've talked a few times on the phone and he emails regularly. Very sweet to always remember when I have a test and wishes me luck. He wants to get together when I'm home for Christmas.
And there is a plethora of men on match, but the ones I like don't like me and the ones who like me are....strange.
I don't get it.
Let's start with the good: One more week of school and I'm done for Christmas break. I gave a lecture this week on Wednesday on disaster preparedness in hospitals. I did it at lunchtime. Had a lot of people there! I forgot how much I enjoyed doing that kind of work. Made me really happy to see so many people interested. It's been especially gratifying to have not only classmates, but also faculty come up to me and tell me how much they enjoyed it and how informative it was. And I wrote it all by meself! Well, mostly. I had some stuff left over from old lectures. But still, it was mostly me!
All of my Christmas shopping is done. I just have to wrap everything and I'm set.
I made an appointment to get my back "worked on" next week on Thursday by one of the docs from school. I've had chronic lower back pain since I was...oh...16. Went to an orthopedic surgeon, x-rays showed nothing, went to physical therapy. Nothing worked. I've just lived with it. It's always bad, but periodically gets worse. I haven't been able to sleep on my back in years. I can only sleep on my side with my hips flexed 90 degrees. If I stand up straight or sit up straight it hurts. The most comfortable position for me is curled in the fetal position, or (if sitting) shoulders slumped over so that my back is rounded out. This puts strain on my upper back...and a vicious cycle ensues.
Yes, yes, I know it isn't a very big deal and I shouldn't bitch. but I'm excited that I took the initiative to get some help with it. After a year and a half of osteopathy, I was able to diagnose myself. The pain has been getting worse the last few weeks so I'm excited to get it fixed!
The bad: Having a lousy night for no particular reason. Maybe I'm a little overwhelmed. I don't know. Been getting upset out of nowhere a lot lately.
Bachelor #1 turned out to be a little strange. Last time we spoke, he told me this story about his abusive father and how he would threaten the neighbors with a bat. And then how the dad shot a dog with a pellett gun one day for pooping on their lawn. I abruptly ended the conversation and haven't returned his 2 calls since. I feel bad, I really do, but I was just creeped out.
The stuff I'm not sure about: As much as I want to get out of here, I'm not sure how I feel about going home for christmas. Last Christmas, New Years, and the weeks after were just so shitty for me. I'm really not looking forward to reliving it.
I found a therapist in town. Well, I didn't find her, I was told about her. The first few therapists the shrink recommended to me were no good. The first only had office hours 1 day each week and I was in school during they time they were available. The next string of therapists were um...well...ministers. Now, I have no problem with ministers. If I was having a spiritual crisis, a priest or minister would be a logical place for me to turn. But this is different. I realize that they have training as therapists, but they do strictly faith based therapy. I'm sure that's just fine for some people, but I really don't want that. So, he told me about this woman in town. After procrastinating for a month, I finally called her. We played a bit of phone tag and actually connected today. I have an appointment for Monday afternoon. Not bad! While I know I won't suddenly be my normal stable self in 1 session, maybe she can give me some ideas of how to survive the following two weeks. :-/
I put this under the "not sure how I feel about it" category because I'm really not sure how I feel about doing this. It was hard enough for me to walk into the shrink's office. Then sitting in that waiting room thinking that I didn't belong there. Now I have to tell my story all over again to someone new, but she isn't going to hand me a bottle of pills so how am I going to feel any different?
And then there's Bachelor #2. Things with him are still going well. We've talked a few times on the phone and he emails regularly. Very sweet to always remember when I have a test and wishes me luck. He wants to get together when I'm home for Christmas.
And there is a plethora of men on match, but the ones I like don't like me and the ones who like me are....strange.
I don't get it.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
December 3, 2006 2:08am
Call it "playing the field", call it "taking a chance", call it "wow, you're a pathetic loser". Call it what you may, but I decided to enter the online dating world.
Actually, I did it a while ago, I just didn't say anything.
My first venture has been into eharmony. The creepy guy on tv who owns it finally brainwashed me into shelling out the money for it.
It took me 3 days to fill out the 7000 question profile.
In the past two months since I've been on it I have been matched with over 300 people.
A large majority of them never bothered to pay for the service. This means that they can never actually communicate with me.
Of what was left, some closed me out because I am too far away (I am trying to find someone inNJ) and some closed me out for an unknown reason. I am assuming I'm just not hot enough.
From those that were left, I recently started communicating by email and phone with 2.
We will call them Bachelor #1 and Bachelor #2 for short.
Bachelor #1 seemed like a nice enough guy. We had quite a bit in common. He lived not too far from me. But.......he seemed a little....boring. Maybe he was just nervous the first few times we talked. Maybe he doesn't ALWAYS talk about the same things over and over. So we went out while I was home. Apparently, he DOES ALWAYS talk about the same topics over and over (military life, military history, and sci fi shows). I'm a sucker for a soldier, but even I can handle this. Then, when we spoke last night he started going on about these very strange stories about his father that just made me really uncomfortable. Got to cut that one loose.
Bachelor #2 I only talked to on the phone for the first time tonight. He is very bright, much less nervous than #1, has a good sense of humor, and he has the ability to switch between topics in a conversation. I didn't want to slit my wrists after 2 hours on the phone, so that was a good thing! He's had a very interesting life. Grew up in Egypt. Speaks 3 languages, has an MBA, wants to meet up while I'm home for Christmas.
I just keep reminding myself to keep an open mind and enjoy whatever good experiences come my way.
If I repeat that over and over enough I just might start to believe it.
Actually, I did it a while ago, I just didn't say anything.
My first venture has been into eharmony. The creepy guy on tv who owns it finally brainwashed me into shelling out the money for it.
It took me 3 days to fill out the 7000 question profile.
In the past two months since I've been on it I have been matched with over 300 people.
A large majority of them never bothered to pay for the service. This means that they can never actually communicate with me.
Of what was left, some closed me out because I am too far away (I am trying to find someone inNJ) and some closed me out for an unknown reason. I am assuming I'm just not hot enough.
From those that were left, I recently started communicating by email and phone with 2.
We will call them Bachelor #1 and Bachelor #2 for short.
Bachelor #1 seemed like a nice enough guy. We had quite a bit in common. He lived not too far from me. But.......he seemed a little....boring. Maybe he was just nervous the first few times we talked. Maybe he doesn't ALWAYS talk about the same things over and over. So we went out while I was home. Apparently, he DOES ALWAYS talk about the same topics over and over (military life, military history, and sci fi shows). I'm a sucker for a soldier, but even I can handle this. Then, when we spoke last night he started going on about these very strange stories about his father that just made me really uncomfortable. Got to cut that one loose.
Bachelor #2 I only talked to on the phone for the first time tonight. He is very bright, much less nervous than #1, has a good sense of humor, and he has the ability to switch between topics in a conversation. I didn't want to slit my wrists after 2 hours on the phone, so that was a good thing! He's had a very interesting life. Grew up in Egypt. Speaks 3 languages, has an MBA, wants to meet up while I'm home for Christmas.
I just keep reminding myself to keep an open mind and enjoy whatever good experiences come my way.
If I repeat that over and over enough I just might start to believe it.
Monday, November 27, 2006
November 27, 2006 1:08am
My sincerest apologies for not updating sooner. The renal system really kicked my ass and I was on lockdown studying every night. Then, I don't have wireless internet at home and I really can't me expected to sit at an uncomfortable desk and update my blog! Now that I have returned to WV I can properly update the blog from the comfort of my couch.
Now...without further delay.....
Oh yes folks, it's that time of year again!
MY BIG FAT THANKSGIVING DINNER
Once again, it was time for a festive Thanksgiving celebration at my uncle Ray's house. Ray has a stronghold on Thanksgiving because his in-laws insist on being in bed by 4pm. Therefore, we must have Thanksgiving dinner at 11:00am every year. There is no watching the Thanksgiving Day parade in my family, there is no afternoon of football, there is no collection of women in the kitchen complaining about their husbands. We sit down to dinner at 11:45am, quietly, with our legs crossed at the ankles. There is no music because that might disrupt someone's digestion. Conversation is limited to politics, work, or me.
Yes, I am the center of attention. Why? Well, because I am the youngest at the table by 30 years.
As such, I am still considered to be the child. This is now made even worse by the fact that I am no longer engaged so there is no husband in my immediate future. Therefore, I am a child and am treated as such.
In years past, the guest list was longer. It always included my parents, uncle ray and his wife, my aunt joanne and her husband, ray's decrepidly old in-laws, my grandmother, my great uncle, my great aunt, ray's wife's aunt, some really old friends of the in-laws, and a friend of my uncle's who he knew since childhood.
Typically, I was seated next to Erma, the incredibly old friend of the decrepidly old in-laws. She would always tell me that it was about darn time I stopped worrying about all this school non-sense and finally got myself a husband. "Men don't like smart women!" she would tell me. She also had very hairy legs for a woman in her 90's. You'd think that by then all hormonal activity would have stopped so body hair would no longer be an issue. She enjoyed telling us about her home health aid and how well this woman washed Erma's crotch.
Anyone want some gravy?
Erma died sometime in the past few years. One down!
The decrepidly old in-laws also kicked it somewhat recently. They were alcoholics, which as entertaining as that condition can be in young people it is twice as much fun in people who are over 80. As of they weren't unsteady enough on their feet, they would always end up sloshed before dessert. I think their true reason for wanting to be home before 4pm was that the DUI checkpoints don't start until at least 8.
Two more down!
Then there was my great aunt, my grandmother, and my father. All of them died in the past few years. Three more gone. That makes 6.
Of ray's in-laws....all of them and their friends are gone. That takes us down an extra 3. In total, nine dead.
That leaves my mom, ray and his wife, joanne and her husband, my great uncle, ray's friend Rich, and me. Eight people.
Nine dead. eight remain. More people have DIED in my lifetime than are still present at the Thanksgiving table.
But I'm a glass is half full kind of girl. You see, when we were a larger group, there wasn't really enough room for me. Since I was the "kid", I was always given a foot stool to sit on because there weren't enough chairs. This was a bit of a novelty for me when I was 9, 10, 11 years old but it quickly lost its appeal when I was 18, 19, 20 years old. I was much bigger than some of those old farts. One of the 90 pound grannies should have sat on the little stool. I need a real chair!
Then there was the silverware problem. There weren't enough regular dinner forks so I was always given a salad fork. I was forced to eat thanksgiving dinner with a salad fork. Why not just give me a spork and make it more challenging? After all, I have to balance my ass on a tiny little foot stool anyway. Give me an inapropriately small eating utensil, a foot stool to balance on, a fraction of a corner of the table to use and I'll give you my very own version of a Thanksgiving Cirque du soleil!
But we have lost so many over the years. No, surely, there will be enough room for me. I will finally get to eat with a real fork. I will finally have a real place at the table.
Nay.
I walk into my uncle's house to see that instead of the dinner table being set, it is instead the kitchen table that has been dressed with the giant ceramic turkey decoration and candlesticks.
It is a lovely kitchen table. It seats 6 people in a rectangle. There were exactly 6 places set. You see, for the past few years I have celebrated Thanksiving alone with the douche bag. I made a Thanksgiving dinner just for the two of us. Very romantic.
Well, apparently my family forgot that I am now the lonely spinster so I will be coming to family dinners again.
I was left out of the count. Forgotten. Dismissed. Ignored.
Never fear, there can always be extra room for another in our family!
Why not just move to the dining room? Well, that is complicated by the fact that their dining room is being redone so unless you can hover over furniture there is no way to even get into that room.
The footstool, my old friend, was brought out of the closet.
I did get to eat with a real fork this time, but I had to drink my wine out of a water glass because wine glasses come in sets of 6, not 7.
So I tried my best to enjoy dinner....
And then it started....
First it was my aunt, "Well, my friend Barbara's daughter got pregnant! and now she's living with the father of this child. What an embarassment!"
and her husband, "Well, that will never work. Living in sin, as well all here know, dooms a relationship."
I tried not to choke.
I looked at my mother, hoping she would change the subject and rescue me.
But before she had a chance, my great uncle decided it was time for his analysis of the world, "Well, ya know, those God damn n---ers just keep stealing from us. They can't be trusted, the n---ers. All f--s they are!"
I have never been so relived to hear him start that shit.
Before dessert, we had covered living in sin, unwed mothers, race relations (to put it nicely) and some reminiscing about all those who are no longer with us.
Happy holidays!
Now...without further delay.....
Oh yes folks, it's that time of year again!
MY BIG FAT THANKSGIVING DINNER
Once again, it was time for a festive Thanksgiving celebration at my uncle Ray's house. Ray has a stronghold on Thanksgiving because his in-laws insist on being in bed by 4pm. Therefore, we must have Thanksgiving dinner at 11:00am every year. There is no watching the Thanksgiving Day parade in my family, there is no afternoon of football, there is no collection of women in the kitchen complaining about their husbands. We sit down to dinner at 11:45am, quietly, with our legs crossed at the ankles. There is no music because that might disrupt someone's digestion. Conversation is limited to politics, work, or me.
Yes, I am the center of attention. Why? Well, because I am the youngest at the table by 30 years.
As such, I am still considered to be the child. This is now made even worse by the fact that I am no longer engaged so there is no husband in my immediate future. Therefore, I am a child and am treated as such.
In years past, the guest list was longer. It always included my parents, uncle ray and his wife, my aunt joanne and her husband, ray's decrepidly old in-laws, my grandmother, my great uncle, my great aunt, ray's wife's aunt, some really old friends of the in-laws, and a friend of my uncle's who he knew since childhood.
Typically, I was seated next to Erma, the incredibly old friend of the decrepidly old in-laws. She would always tell me that it was about darn time I stopped worrying about all this school non-sense and finally got myself a husband. "Men don't like smart women!" she would tell me. She also had very hairy legs for a woman in her 90's. You'd think that by then all hormonal activity would have stopped so body hair would no longer be an issue. She enjoyed telling us about her home health aid and how well this woman washed Erma's crotch.
Anyone want some gravy?
Erma died sometime in the past few years. One down!
The decrepidly old in-laws also kicked it somewhat recently. They were alcoholics, which as entertaining as that condition can be in young people it is twice as much fun in people who are over 80. As of they weren't unsteady enough on their feet, they would always end up sloshed before dessert. I think their true reason for wanting to be home before 4pm was that the DUI checkpoints don't start until at least 8.
Two more down!
Then there was my great aunt, my grandmother, and my father. All of them died in the past few years. Three more gone. That makes 6.
Of ray's in-laws....all of them and their friends are gone. That takes us down an extra 3. In total, nine dead.
That leaves my mom, ray and his wife, joanne and her husband, my great uncle, ray's friend Rich, and me. Eight people.
Nine dead. eight remain. More people have DIED in my lifetime than are still present at the Thanksgiving table.
But I'm a glass is half full kind of girl. You see, when we were a larger group, there wasn't really enough room for me. Since I was the "kid", I was always given a foot stool to sit on because there weren't enough chairs. This was a bit of a novelty for me when I was 9, 10, 11 years old but it quickly lost its appeal when I was 18, 19, 20 years old. I was much bigger than some of those old farts. One of the 90 pound grannies should have sat on the little stool. I need a real chair!
Then there was the silverware problem. There weren't enough regular dinner forks so I was always given a salad fork. I was forced to eat thanksgiving dinner with a salad fork. Why not just give me a spork and make it more challenging? After all, I have to balance my ass on a tiny little foot stool anyway. Give me an inapropriately small eating utensil, a foot stool to balance on, a fraction of a corner of the table to use and I'll give you my very own version of a Thanksgiving Cirque du soleil!
But we have lost so many over the years. No, surely, there will be enough room for me. I will finally get to eat with a real fork. I will finally have a real place at the table.
Nay.
I walk into my uncle's house to see that instead of the dinner table being set, it is instead the kitchen table that has been dressed with the giant ceramic turkey decoration and candlesticks.
It is a lovely kitchen table. It seats 6 people in a rectangle. There were exactly 6 places set. You see, for the past few years I have celebrated Thanksiving alone with the douche bag. I made a Thanksgiving dinner just for the two of us. Very romantic.
Well, apparently my family forgot that I am now the lonely spinster so I will be coming to family dinners again.
I was left out of the count. Forgotten. Dismissed. Ignored.
Never fear, there can always be extra room for another in our family!
Why not just move to the dining room? Well, that is complicated by the fact that their dining room is being redone so unless you can hover over furniture there is no way to even get into that room.
The footstool, my old friend, was brought out of the closet.
I did get to eat with a real fork this time, but I had to drink my wine out of a water glass because wine glasses come in sets of 6, not 7.
So I tried my best to enjoy dinner....
And then it started....
First it was my aunt, "Well, my friend Barbara's daughter got pregnant! and now she's living with the father of this child. What an embarassment!"
and her husband, "Well, that will never work. Living in sin, as well all here know, dooms a relationship."
I tried not to choke.
I looked at my mother, hoping she would change the subject and rescue me.
But before she had a chance, my great uncle decided it was time for his analysis of the world, "Well, ya know, those God damn n---ers just keep stealing from us. They can't be trusted, the n---ers. All f--s they are!"
I have never been so relived to hear him start that shit.
Before dessert, we had covered living in sin, unwed mothers, race relations (to put it nicely) and some reminiscing about all those who are no longer with us.
Happy holidays!
Sunday, November 12, 2006
November 12, 2006 12:14am
I haven't been able to fall asleep like a normal person for months. I finally got some awesome stuff from the psychiatrist, but I need more.
Like a very responsible person, I called his office before I ran out. I listened patiently to the menu "push one for appointments....". I pressed 2 for prescription refills. I got an answering machine telling me to leave my information and the prescription will be called in. If I do not hear from them in 48 hours, that means the prescription was called in and I can go pick it up.
"Hello. My name is Elizabeth ------. Dr. E gave me Seroquel to help me sleep. Can you please have him refill my prescription at the Wal Mart pharmacy? I take 25mgs. My number is -------. Thank you."
That was Wednesday. Today is Saturday. I am out of drugs. I went to Wal Mart....no prescription. His office is closed and so I left a message with his answering service. Still haven't heard anything.
I will call again on Monday. This time, I might say something like....
"Hey. This is Bitchy Crazy Liz. I called last week. Never got my prescription filled. Never got a call explaining if there was a problem. Never heard anything from you. I haven't slept in several days. I think it is beginning to really have a negative....did you say something? Hello? No, I won't do that so stop asking me! I'm trying to leave a message. Now be quiet. Anyway, I was saying that I think my lack of sleep has been bad for my.... Okay, enough already! Stop interrupting me :::BEEEEEP::::"
Seriously. Why is it when I ask for help, I can't seem to get it?
I found an online depression support group. That has been interesting. Some of the people are similar to me. And then there are some who I think like being depressed. It's who they are. They like the attention. They live for chat rooms and chat room hugs ((((((((insert name of attention seeker here))))))))). They injure themselves and do impulsive crap like cut off all of their hair and then flip out if you say their trigger word in the chat room...which can be anything from sex to canary.
I guess I shouldn't be so judgmental, but I really feel like some of them don't bother to work or really take care of themselves because it requires effort- and it's difficult. Life isn't easy for anyone. Well, maybe it's easy for Paris Hilton, but it isn't easy for most people. You go to work and pay your bills as long as you're physicially able because it's the responsible thing to do, not because it's fun or easy. They can't handle the stress of real life and don't seem to want to even try to get over that. They're happier sitting at home and collecting a disability check or some sort of handout- all while complaining that they don't have any money or have a hard time paying for their meds. Or, even better, they go on and on about the new computer or camera or cell phone or mp3 player they just bought, and then bitch that they don't have the $100 a month that their medications cost.
Well shit. Maybe we should prioritize. That $500 camera you just bought would have gotten you 5 months of your meds. Maybe in those 5 months you could have found yourself a job and made some more money so you could continue to pay for the drugs. Or you might even get lucky and find a job with health insurance and a prescription plan. Hey, here's an idea...since you obviously have psychiatric issues that need to be handled- why not make it a priority to find a job with health insurance and prescription plan?
Oh, but don't take that the wrong way! I don't mean hold out for that absolutely perfect job. Don't use that as an excuse for not working. "I'm not working right now because I got laid off from my job 6 years ago and haven't found a job that is exactly the same as my old job, but pays more. So, obviously I can't go back to work until I find the ideal situation."
Then there are others who want to be better. They want to function like a "normal" person, but can't. They try, though. God knows they try every day. I admire that. Some are much worse off than I am and need much more support than I do.
I should learn to be more patient with people.
I'll start tomorrow.
Like a very responsible person, I called his office before I ran out. I listened patiently to the menu "push one for appointments....". I pressed 2 for prescription refills. I got an answering machine telling me to leave my information and the prescription will be called in. If I do not hear from them in 48 hours, that means the prescription was called in and I can go pick it up.
"Hello. My name is Elizabeth ------. Dr. E gave me Seroquel to help me sleep. Can you please have him refill my prescription at the Wal Mart pharmacy? I take 25mgs. My number is -------. Thank you."
That was Wednesday. Today is Saturday. I am out of drugs. I went to Wal Mart....no prescription. His office is closed and so I left a message with his answering service. Still haven't heard anything.
I will call again on Monday. This time, I might say something like....
"Hey. This is Bitchy Crazy Liz. I called last week. Never got my prescription filled. Never got a call explaining if there was a problem. Never heard anything from you. I haven't slept in several days. I think it is beginning to really have a negative....did you say something? Hello? No, I won't do that so stop asking me! I'm trying to leave a message. Now be quiet. Anyway, I was saying that I think my lack of sleep has been bad for my.... Okay, enough already! Stop interrupting me :::BEEEEEP::::"
Seriously. Why is it when I ask for help, I can't seem to get it?
I found an online depression support group. That has been interesting. Some of the people are similar to me. And then there are some who I think like being depressed. It's who they are. They like the attention. They live for chat rooms and chat room hugs ((((((((insert name of attention seeker here))))))))). They injure themselves and do impulsive crap like cut off all of their hair and then flip out if you say their trigger word in the chat room...which can be anything from sex to canary.
I guess I shouldn't be so judgmental, but I really feel like some of them don't bother to work or really take care of themselves because it requires effort- and it's difficult. Life isn't easy for anyone. Well, maybe it's easy for Paris Hilton, but it isn't easy for most people. You go to work and pay your bills as long as you're physicially able because it's the responsible thing to do, not because it's fun or easy. They can't handle the stress of real life and don't seem to want to even try to get over that. They're happier sitting at home and collecting a disability check or some sort of handout- all while complaining that they don't have any money or have a hard time paying for their meds. Or, even better, they go on and on about the new computer or camera or cell phone or mp3 player they just bought, and then bitch that they don't have the $100 a month that their medications cost.
Well shit. Maybe we should prioritize. That $500 camera you just bought would have gotten you 5 months of your meds. Maybe in those 5 months you could have found yourself a job and made some more money so you could continue to pay for the drugs. Or you might even get lucky and find a job with health insurance and a prescription plan. Hey, here's an idea...since you obviously have psychiatric issues that need to be handled- why not make it a priority to find a job with health insurance and prescription plan?
Oh, but don't take that the wrong way! I don't mean hold out for that absolutely perfect job. Don't use that as an excuse for not working. "I'm not working right now because I got laid off from my job 6 years ago and haven't found a job that is exactly the same as my old job, but pays more. So, obviously I can't go back to work until I find the ideal situation."
Then there are others who want to be better. They want to function like a "normal" person, but can't. They try, though. God knows they try every day. I admire that. Some are much worse off than I am and need much more support than I do.
I should learn to be more patient with people.
I'll start tomorrow.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
November 11, 2006 1:24am
I'm doing much better, thank you.
I'm sure it has something to do with the 1/3 of a coconut custard pie that is sitting in my lap right now.
There is something sort of comforting knowing that I can eat 1/3 of a pie when a month ago I wasn't eating anything for days at a time. I feel like I'm making progress. Maybe next month I'll be able to down a quart of ice cream in one sitting.
Right around the age of 17, I started taking birth control pills because I had periods that lasted roughly 18 days. That was obviously unacceptable and the problem was taken care of.
One wonderful effect of the BCP's was that my acne finally cleared up.
Ever since then, I have had really nice skin. Yes, I don't mind saying it. I exfoliate regularly. I am obsessed with Clinique products. I have fabulously smooth and clean skin. I never ever have a breakout on my face anymore.
I specify "on my face" because it seems that pimples have found new and exciting locations to sprout up in. Some especially memorable ones: in my ear, on my butt, in the crease of my leg where my inner thigh meets the rest of my body, in my nose, on the back of my neck in my hairline.
Now, these aren't like the normal pimples I always got on my face as a teenager. These zits are massive and exquisitely painful. The ones in my nose even make it hurt to breathe.
All I have to say about this is... WTF? A zit in my ear? My EAR! It's an ear! Why does a zit feel the need to sprout up in my ear? What can it possibly accomplish? And the one in the crease of my leg? I was sure that was a tumor at first.
So how does one handle something like this? Is there a Clearasil made specificially for those persistent ass pimples? And how exactly can I get some Noxzema in my ear without causing hearing damage?
I swear, if it's not depression, it's poorly placed acne. I just can't win.
I'm sure it has something to do with the 1/3 of a coconut custard pie that is sitting in my lap right now.
There is something sort of comforting knowing that I can eat 1/3 of a pie when a month ago I wasn't eating anything for days at a time. I feel like I'm making progress. Maybe next month I'll be able to down a quart of ice cream in one sitting.
Right around the age of 17, I started taking birth control pills because I had periods that lasted roughly 18 days. That was obviously unacceptable and the problem was taken care of.
One wonderful effect of the BCP's was that my acne finally cleared up.
Ever since then, I have had really nice skin. Yes, I don't mind saying it. I exfoliate regularly. I am obsessed with Clinique products. I have fabulously smooth and clean skin. I never ever have a breakout on my face anymore.
I specify "on my face" because it seems that pimples have found new and exciting locations to sprout up in. Some especially memorable ones: in my ear, on my butt, in the crease of my leg where my inner thigh meets the rest of my body, in my nose, on the back of my neck in my hairline.
Now, these aren't like the normal pimples I always got on my face as a teenager. These zits are massive and exquisitely painful. The ones in my nose even make it hurt to breathe.
All I have to say about this is... WTF? A zit in my ear? My EAR! It's an ear! Why does a zit feel the need to sprout up in my ear? What can it possibly accomplish? And the one in the crease of my leg? I was sure that was a tumor at first.
So how does one handle something like this? Is there a Clearasil made specificially for those persistent ass pimples? And how exactly can I get some Noxzema in my ear without causing hearing damage?
I swear, if it's not depression, it's poorly placed acne. I just can't win.
Friday, November 10, 2006
November 10, 2006 2:23am
This entry isn't going to make a lick of sense. Just think of it as one of those freestyle slam poetry things. Then it will be "artsy", not "incoherent".
So late. Can't sleep. Ran out of the awesome coma pills. Need to go to Wal Mart tomorrow. If my prescription didn't get called in as promised I'm going to be kicking some ass.
The later it gets, the worse I start to feel. I get more upset. Anxiety gets worse. Should I just tough it out, or go back to see the shrink? I don't want to walk around in a drugged haze. If I'm ok 90% of the time, shouldn't I just learn to deal with the remaining 10%?
Angry. Fucking angry.
And just shut up. Stop complaining. I"m tired of hearing your complaining. I'm talking to you, yes, you who is always moody over the dumbest little things. You who can't just accept what life has to offer and appreciate what you have in front of you. Stop complaining and do what you need to do to get through this.
Shit. I could be talking to myself.
I talk to myself a lot.
How am I supposed to get through this depressive episode alone?
So late. Can't sleep. Ran out of the awesome coma pills. Need to go to Wal Mart tomorrow. If my prescription didn't get called in as promised I'm going to be kicking some ass.
The later it gets, the worse I start to feel. I get more upset. Anxiety gets worse. Should I just tough it out, or go back to see the shrink? I don't want to walk around in a drugged haze. If I'm ok 90% of the time, shouldn't I just learn to deal with the remaining 10%?
Angry. Fucking angry.
And just shut up. Stop complaining. I"m tired of hearing your complaining. I'm talking to you, yes, you who is always moody over the dumbest little things. You who can't just accept what life has to offer and appreciate what you have in front of you. Stop complaining and do what you need to do to get through this.
Shit. I could be talking to myself.
I talk to myself a lot.
How am I supposed to get through this depressive episode alone?
Sunday, November 05, 2006
November 5, 2006 9:43pm
Friday night I went out to the Bowling Alley/Bar with some friends.
Here are two things I learned:
1)Jagermeister = horrible, horrible hangover
2)I am not capable of socializing like a normal person.
The first needs little or no explanation. I wasn't even drunk on the stuff! The second.....
There were these two guys in the back of the bar playing pool beside us. I thought they were interested in Jess and Connie because, well, Jess and Connie are adorable and these guys were hot. Well, no it was me they wanted, or at least one of them did.
So, we got to talking. The especially hot one was named Thomas and he was a marine- now in the reserves. Works at a federal prison nearby. Very nice guy. Asked me about school and where I was from.
Then I freaked out. I went to the bathroom with Jess and burst into tears. Obviously, I'm not ready for this kind of situation and I fell apart. I went outside to get some air. Jess and Maria came out to calm me down. They offered to go tell him to back off, but I didn't want them to do that. I can handle my own problems.
We went back inside and Thomas hung out with us for the rest of the night. I danced with him. I think he could tell I was distancing myself from him, so he didn't ask for my number. When we left he turned to me and said, "Goodnight, beautiful girl."
I know. Let's all say it together, "Awwwwww".
It could have been much worse. He could have been drunk and vulgar.
So here was a perfectly nice guy and I couldn't handle it.
It's ok, I learned something about myself.
I've also never met someone in a bar before, so that kind of made me uncomfortable too.
But more importantly, I'm pissed at myself for becoming "that woman". That woman who cries in bars. That woman whose girlfriends have to help her fix her mascara. That woman who needs her friends to help her socialize because she can't seem to handle it herself.
Argh!
Here are two things I learned:
1)Jagermeister = horrible, horrible hangover
2)I am not capable of socializing like a normal person.
The first needs little or no explanation. I wasn't even drunk on the stuff! The second.....
There were these two guys in the back of the bar playing pool beside us. I thought they were interested in Jess and Connie because, well, Jess and Connie are adorable and these guys were hot. Well, no it was me they wanted, or at least one of them did.
So, we got to talking. The especially hot one was named Thomas and he was a marine- now in the reserves. Works at a federal prison nearby. Very nice guy. Asked me about school and where I was from.
Then I freaked out. I went to the bathroom with Jess and burst into tears. Obviously, I'm not ready for this kind of situation and I fell apart. I went outside to get some air. Jess and Maria came out to calm me down. They offered to go tell him to back off, but I didn't want them to do that. I can handle my own problems.
We went back inside and Thomas hung out with us for the rest of the night. I danced with him. I think he could tell I was distancing myself from him, so he didn't ask for my number. When we left he turned to me and said, "Goodnight, beautiful girl."
I know. Let's all say it together, "Awwwwww".
It could have been much worse. He could have been drunk and vulgar.
So here was a perfectly nice guy and I couldn't handle it.
It's ok, I learned something about myself.
I've also never met someone in a bar before, so that kind of made me uncomfortable too.
But more importantly, I'm pissed at myself for becoming "that woman". That woman who cries in bars. That woman whose girlfriends have to help her fix her mascara. That woman who needs her friends to help her socialize because she can't seem to handle it herself.
Argh!
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
October 31, 2006 11:49pm
I went over to Maria's place tonight for dinner and to hang out with the girls before they went off to the halloween party (that I refused to participate in).
We had some interesting conversations.
Why to intelligent, attractive women stay in bad relationships that are doomed? Why set themselves up for problems? Why be with men who treat them so badly?
It makes me sad.
But somewhat comforted. At least I'm not the only one.
I know better now, though.
I've been getting to sleep every night and that has been just wonderful!
But the pills I have are 50mg and I take 25mg. This would be much easier if the pills were scored, but they aren't. so I end up with a little pile of dust and crumbs when I cut it. Then I'm trying to make a little pile of the dust and crumbs and figuring out the best way to consume it.
I look like a coke head with my little pile of white powder.
Tomorrow is another day.
We had some interesting conversations.
Why to intelligent, attractive women stay in bad relationships that are doomed? Why set themselves up for problems? Why be with men who treat them so badly?
It makes me sad.
But somewhat comforted. At least I'm not the only one.
I know better now, though.
I've been getting to sleep every night and that has been just wonderful!
But the pills I have are 50mg and I take 25mg. This would be much easier if the pills were scored, but they aren't. so I end up with a little pile of dust and crumbs when I cut it. Then I'm trying to make a little pile of the dust and crumbs and figuring out the best way to consume it.
I look like a coke head with my little pile of white powder.
Tomorrow is another day.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
October 25, 2006 11:17pm
I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. I usually can't get to bed until 3 or 4 in the morning and even if I sleep for 12 hours I'm tired all day.
So when I went to see the psychiatrist yesterday I asked him what I should do. I assumed he'd give me Ambien or Lunesta or one of those nice drugs that have commercials on TV. Nope, he hands me some free sample boxes of something called Seroquel.
Seroquel is an anti-psychotic with an off albel use as a sleep aid. I was a little hesitant about taking it. He told me to take half a pill, which is 25mg. The "standard" dose, when used for someone who is schizophrenic, can be up to 400mg.
My little half of a pill practically put me in a coma. I had to crawl up the stairs to get into bed. Even when I got up this morning I couldn't walk a straight line.
That is some powerful shit! I can't imagine giving someone 400mg of that. It sure as hell would probably kill me!
Yesterday and today were okay days. Got work done. Well, a little at least. Haven't been feeling as awful as most days.
I'm frustrated with my memory and concentration. My head just isn't as clear as it used to be. Ever since this mess started for me, I really haven't been able to focus on anything.
I want my head back!
So when I went to see the psychiatrist yesterday I asked him what I should do. I assumed he'd give me Ambien or Lunesta or one of those nice drugs that have commercials on TV. Nope, he hands me some free sample boxes of something called Seroquel.
Seroquel is an anti-psychotic with an off albel use as a sleep aid. I was a little hesitant about taking it. He told me to take half a pill, which is 25mg. The "standard" dose, when used for someone who is schizophrenic, can be up to 400mg.
My little half of a pill practically put me in a coma. I had to crawl up the stairs to get into bed. Even when I got up this morning I couldn't walk a straight line.
That is some powerful shit! I can't imagine giving someone 400mg of that. It sure as hell would probably kill me!
Yesterday and today were okay days. Got work done. Well, a little at least. Haven't been feeling as awful as most days.
I'm frustrated with my memory and concentration. My head just isn't as clear as it used to be. Ever since this mess started for me, I really haven't been able to focus on anything.
I want my head back!
Sunday, October 22, 2006
October 22, 2006 4:12am
Saturday was very bad.
Actually, as far as I see it Saturday is till here because I haven't gone to bed yet.
I don't know why this is happening to me. I don't know why I deserve this. I don't know why I have to be like this.
I want someone to put their arms around me and let me cry for as long as I want to- until I fall asleep and sleep and sleep until I can't possibly sleep anymore. Sleep and sleep without waking up in a panic. Sleep until I feel rested. Sleep without dreams.
Sleep.
Sleep in the comfort of my bed knowing that even if I did fall apart again I could just go back to sleep.
It's 4:20am. I want to throw up. I keep telling myself that this is all in my head, but my stomach does not seem to believe that.
My stomach, my legs, my chest. Nothing is operating properly. I'm angry. I want to be mean to someone who doesn't deserve it just so they can feel like I do.
Can't do that. That isn't me.
None of this is me. I don't recognize myself. I look in the mirror and am not sure who I am anymore. Tired. Clothes don't fit properly. Sickly looking.
This is crazy. I'm going crazy.
Lack of sleep isn't helping.
This is a nightmare. Maybe I am asleep and I am having a nightmare. Maybe the last month has been a nightmare. Or maybe the last year. The last ten years. Yes, that would be ideal. I'm going to wake up suddenly and realize I'm still 15 years old and everything is still wonderful and I'll know what to do and how to avoid mistakes and how to keep from getting hurt.
I want to wake up.
Actually, as far as I see it Saturday is till here because I haven't gone to bed yet.
I don't know why this is happening to me. I don't know why I deserve this. I don't know why I have to be like this.
I want someone to put their arms around me and let me cry for as long as I want to- until I fall asleep and sleep and sleep until I can't possibly sleep anymore. Sleep and sleep without waking up in a panic. Sleep until I feel rested. Sleep without dreams.
Sleep.
Sleep in the comfort of my bed knowing that even if I did fall apart again I could just go back to sleep.
It's 4:20am. I want to throw up. I keep telling myself that this is all in my head, but my stomach does not seem to believe that.
My stomach, my legs, my chest. Nothing is operating properly. I'm angry. I want to be mean to someone who doesn't deserve it just so they can feel like I do.
Can't do that. That isn't me.
None of this is me. I don't recognize myself. I look in the mirror and am not sure who I am anymore. Tired. Clothes don't fit properly. Sickly looking.
This is crazy. I'm going crazy.
Lack of sleep isn't helping.
This is a nightmare. Maybe I am asleep and I am having a nightmare. Maybe the last month has been a nightmare. Or maybe the last year. The last ten years. Yes, that would be ideal. I'm going to wake up suddenly and realize I'm still 15 years old and everything is still wonderful and I'll know what to do and how to avoid mistakes and how to keep from getting hurt.
I want to wake up.
Friday, October 20, 2006
October 20, 2006 11:09pm
Ever just want to hit something?
Looking over my posts of the last few weeks, I think some explanation is necessary.
I've been sort of spiraling into what I like to think of as "my nutty episode" for months now. I've just finally hit bottom.
I found a psychistrist in town. The official diagnosis is "Major Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder." I like having a label for what's happening to me. It lets me put this part of my life into a nice little box so that one day I can look back on it and refer to it as the "Major Depression and GAD of 2006."
It's really hard to describe it without sounding sorry for myself, or being irreverant like a Nora Ephram book.
I think the low point- the absolute low point was when I was just decompensating for absolutely no reason. This was happening every day and multiple times in each day. There wasn't even something specific that would trigger it. I would just go from normal to totally inconsolable- crying, screaming- in a few seconds.
It got so bad that when I wasn't having an episode, I was worrying about when the next one would happen. I always managed to not embarass myself in public. I was able to hold it together just long enough until I could be in the car or back at my place.
Logically, I should have just called someone to talk to, but in that moment it felt like there was nobody in the world. It ended in me sitting on the floor with a blanket in the dark, saying to a dark room, "Somebody please help me."
It's better now since I went and got some help. I don't have the daily meltdowns.
I can't really explain or even understand why this happened to me. Maybe it's years worth of stuff catching up to me. Maybe it's a combination of random crappy stuff and stress.
I just want it to be over. I'm very impatient when it comes to my health.
Looking over my posts of the last few weeks, I think some explanation is necessary.
I've been sort of spiraling into what I like to think of as "my nutty episode" for months now. I've just finally hit bottom.
I found a psychistrist in town. The official diagnosis is "Major Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder." I like having a label for what's happening to me. It lets me put this part of my life into a nice little box so that one day I can look back on it and refer to it as the "Major Depression and GAD of 2006."
It's really hard to describe it without sounding sorry for myself, or being irreverant like a Nora Ephram book.
I think the low point- the absolute low point was when I was just decompensating for absolutely no reason. This was happening every day and multiple times in each day. There wasn't even something specific that would trigger it. I would just go from normal to totally inconsolable- crying, screaming- in a few seconds.
It got so bad that when I wasn't having an episode, I was worrying about when the next one would happen. I always managed to not embarass myself in public. I was able to hold it together just long enough until I could be in the car or back at my place.
Logically, I should have just called someone to talk to, but in that moment it felt like there was nobody in the world. It ended in me sitting on the floor with a blanket in the dark, saying to a dark room, "Somebody please help me."
It's better now since I went and got some help. I don't have the daily meltdowns.
I can't really explain or even understand why this happened to me. Maybe it's years worth of stuff catching up to me. Maybe it's a combination of random crappy stuff and stress.
I just want it to be over. I'm very impatient when it comes to my health.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
October 19, 2006 10:39pm
I'm pissed at myself for not enjoying my life more.
Things aren't that bad, so I shouldn't feel the way I do.
It's lonely here.
Go back to see the dr next week. Not sure what to say. Am I better? Sort of? Not melting down like I was, but not particularly happy.
This isn't supposed to happen to me. I'm tough as nails. I can handle anything.
Guess not.
Things aren't that bad, so I shouldn't feel the way I do.
It's lonely here.
Go back to see the dr next week. Not sure what to say. Am I better? Sort of? Not melting down like I was, but not particularly happy.
This isn't supposed to happen to me. I'm tough as nails. I can handle anything.
Guess not.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
October 17, 2006 3:12pm
I have a friend who is afraid of spiders. Not in the way that most girls are afraid of spiders, though. She is only afraid of the huge ones that are in her apartment.
Last week one night, she called me because there was a spider she had been trying to kill, but couldn't. The fear of the spider overwhelmed her so much that she was in tears.
I started to realize that fears, regardless of what they are of, are very real. Her fear of spiders is as real as my fear of failure and loneliness. It's a paralyzing fear that can't be overcome with rational judgment. If it were that easy, I could just give myself a pep talk and move on.
So when my mother (who, incidentally, was here all weekend) says things like, "Well, you just need to stop thinking so negatively and accept that things don't always work out the way you plan." I get really frustrated because it isn't as simple as just stopping negative thoughts.
That's like saying to an alcoholic, "So just quit drinking if you know it's bad for you."
It sounds easy to anyone who isn't there. And it doesn't make a damn bit of sense to someone who isn't there.
Actually, it doesn't make any sense to me either.
At least I can admit to being irrational.
I have a need to keep control over things in my life. I have a need to plan my life out in 10 year blocks.
I feel like if I don't do that then everything will just be a huge mess.
Maybe life is a mess anyway.
How can I plan my life out for the next 10 years when I have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow? I could get a brain tumor and then the next 10 years are totally irrelevant.
Frustrating.
Last week one night, she called me because there was a spider she had been trying to kill, but couldn't. The fear of the spider overwhelmed her so much that she was in tears.
I started to realize that fears, regardless of what they are of, are very real. Her fear of spiders is as real as my fear of failure and loneliness. It's a paralyzing fear that can't be overcome with rational judgment. If it were that easy, I could just give myself a pep talk and move on.
So when my mother (who, incidentally, was here all weekend) says things like, "Well, you just need to stop thinking so negatively and accept that things don't always work out the way you plan." I get really frustrated because it isn't as simple as just stopping negative thoughts.
That's like saying to an alcoholic, "So just quit drinking if you know it's bad for you."
It sounds easy to anyone who isn't there. And it doesn't make a damn bit of sense to someone who isn't there.
Actually, it doesn't make any sense to me either.
At least I can admit to being irrational.
I have a need to keep control over things in my life. I have a need to plan my life out in 10 year blocks.
I feel like if I don't do that then everything will just be a huge mess.
Maybe life is a mess anyway.
How can I plan my life out for the next 10 years when I have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow? I could get a brain tumor and then the next 10 years are totally irrelevant.
Frustrating.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
October 12, 2006 11:39pm
Good days and bad- seems to be the story of my life these days.
My mom is coming tomorrow to stay for the weekend. It will be nice to have some company.
Today is a rough day, not sure why.
Decided to take a "mental health day" and stay home.
Watching the Food Network right now.
I want to cook for someone. Want to come over?
My mom is coming tomorrow to stay for the weekend. It will be nice to have some company.
Today is a rough day, not sure why.
Decided to take a "mental health day" and stay home.
Watching the Food Network right now.
I want to cook for someone. Want to come over?
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
October 10, 2006 4:14pm
One of the benefits of having a total life meltdown is that you lose your appetite and lose 10 pounds.
The down side is that none of the clothes fit properly now. I had to go and get some belts, but that just makes my pants bunch up because of the extra material.
I haven't decided yet if I want to try and gain the weight back, or keep it off.
Decisions decisions.
I have pertussis, or at least I think I do. More commonly known as "whooping cough". I had what I thought was a bad cold a few weeks ago and now I am left with a horrible, spasmotic cough that gets worse at night.
It's been a fun few weeks.
The down side is that none of the clothes fit properly now. I had to go and get some belts, but that just makes my pants bunch up because of the extra material.
I haven't decided yet if I want to try and gain the weight back, or keep it off.
Decisions decisions.
I have pertussis, or at least I think I do. More commonly known as "whooping cough". I had what I thought was a bad cold a few weeks ago and now I am left with a horrible, spasmotic cough that gets worse at night.
It's been a fun few weeks.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
October 8, 2006 10:46pm
Feeling better tonight. Not sure why. Just have a more positive outlook on things.
It seems like forever until I get to be home again for good. I wish I could speed it up a little.
Anyway, that's all I have to say for tonight. I'm a little sleepy. I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm doing better. :-)
It seems like forever until I get to be home again for good. I wish I could speed it up a little.
Anyway, that's all I have to say for tonight. I'm a little sleepy. I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm doing better. :-)
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
October 4, 2006 9:59pm
Thanks to all for your kind words and support.
The rut I'm in isn't all related to Mike. That's only a small part of it. It's a year's worth of crappy things that are finally all catching up with me.
It's a combination of anxiety and depression that I'm just now really starting to feel. I've probably had it most of my life to some degree, but the circumstances of the past 9 or 10 months have really made it worse.
My heart starts racing, my chest feels like it's going to cave in, and for a few hours I feel like nothing will ever be good again. No relationship, no friendship, nothing will ever be good because I will always always keep getting hurt. Then it passes and I wait in fear of the next episode.
I'm working on getting it under control now.
Not easy, though.
The rut I'm in isn't all related to Mike. That's only a small part of it. It's a year's worth of crappy things that are finally all catching up with me.
It's a combination of anxiety and depression that I'm just now really starting to feel. I've probably had it most of my life to some degree, but the circumstances of the past 9 or 10 months have really made it worse.
My heart starts racing, my chest feels like it's going to cave in, and for a few hours I feel like nothing will ever be good again. No relationship, no friendship, nothing will ever be good because I will always always keep getting hurt. Then it passes and I wait in fear of the next episode.
I'm working on getting it under control now.
Not easy, though.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
October 3, 2006 8:08pm
I'm starting to become one of "those women".
One of those women who looks at herself in the mirror and thinks she's just too ugly to love. One of those women who thinks she'll never be happy. One of those women who is sure she'll be alone for the rest of her life.
I hate being one of those women.
It's turning me into a paranoid psycho who can't deal with normal life.
This is not me. This is not the person I have always been.
But maybe that's because I had something in life that gave me some sense of security.
Seriously, what is so wrong with me? What makes me so horrible to be with? You'd think men would be all interested in me...I'm going to be a docto, I have a house, I don't demand a whole lot of attention, I can buy my own jewelry.
Yet they seem to be more interested in the chick with the skinny nose at the bar who is wearing the corset and tight jeans and giggles a lot.
Maybe it's an age thing?
How can the same thing happen to me twice in one year?
Am I cursed?
Just unlucky?
When will it turn around?
One of those women who looks at herself in the mirror and thinks she's just too ugly to love. One of those women who thinks she'll never be happy. One of those women who is sure she'll be alone for the rest of her life.
I hate being one of those women.
It's turning me into a paranoid psycho who can't deal with normal life.
This is not me. This is not the person I have always been.
But maybe that's because I had something in life that gave me some sense of security.
Seriously, what is so wrong with me? What makes me so horrible to be with? You'd think men would be all interested in me...I'm going to be a docto, I have a house, I don't demand a whole lot of attention, I can buy my own jewelry.
Yet they seem to be more interested in the chick with the skinny nose at the bar who is wearing the corset and tight jeans and giggles a lot.
Maybe it's an age thing?
How can the same thing happen to me twice in one year?
Am I cursed?
Just unlucky?
When will it turn around?
Sunday, October 01, 2006
October 1, 2006 9:22pm
I have never slept so much or so hard as I have these past two days.
Getting some help with the anxiety.
Went out Friday night. I had a good time. Actually, I was surprised that so many people were happy to see me out.
I've lost some weight over the past few weeks from not eating.
I'm starting to shut down, which isn't good either.
Also getting a cold.
Getting some help with the anxiety.
Went out Friday night. I had a good time. Actually, I was surprised that so many people were happy to see me out.
I've lost some weight over the past few weeks from not eating.
I'm starting to shut down, which isn't good either.
Also getting a cold.
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