September 4, 2006 9:21pm

Went in another cave with Georgina today. Here are some pictures...




This is Georgina sliding down the rocks because they were covered in slippery clay.


There were some pretty amazing formations in there.

And yes, that is a bike helmet. We wore them to keep from getting our heads whacked while getting through the tiny entrance....

Yes, I slid my fat ass through this.

We went down pretty deep, but I checkened out when it got particularly steep. Maybe if we had more people with us I would have been more comfortable with it. There was a waterfall somewhere down in there. I could hear it. Georgina said there is a room where people made gargoyles out of the clay that settled. Maybe I'll get there next time.

On the way back up, I became incredibly tired. I don't know if it's just being out of shape or if I was dehydrated, but I really didn't think I was going to make it. I just couldn't get enough air and my heart was racing. It was a very uncomfortable and scary experience.



Right now I am watching Wife Swap. Friends, why didn't any of you love me enough to introduce me to this chocolate covered ball of crazy goodness called Wife Swap?

Wife #1: Teacher, waitress, mom of 3.
Wife #2: Stay at home mome of 2 who homeschools her children.

On the surface this doesn't seem so bad. Wife #1 is a teacher so the homeschooling thing should be a snap. Wife #2 has been teaching her kids so she should be able to handle the classroom for a few days and every mom is a waitress to some degree.

Well, not quite. The catch is that Wife #2 is obsessed with the middle ages. She makes her family dress like court jesters, kings, princesses. Her "homeschooling" lessons include shoe making and medieval dance. Both are skills that I was sorely lacking when I got to college....and it showed!

So Wife #1 is awesome and she went into Family #2 to Reg-U-Late. She's got those kids back in real school, making friends, and got rid of the dungeons and dragons crap. Wife #1 isn't really getting the picture. Oh, she made them all eat dinner together which was nice.

I love seeing crazy families on TV. I especially like to see crazy women. Passive women are my favorite because they rile me up to no end.

Septemebr 2, 2006 11:09pm

To quote Jenny from Forrest Gump, "I have a virus."

Not the kind she had, though. I have a cold virus.

When I was a kid, I got colds all the time. I missed a lot of school. As I got older I managed to avoid them more and more. When everyone else around me would be sneezing, I'd be feeling great. The trade off is that when I do get sick I get horribly and miserably sick.

I woke up this morning and felt horribly and miserably sick. Tired, no energy, slightly nauseous, and sneezing uncontrollably. Why is it that when you sleep your nose doesn't run?

The mucus. If only the mucus would stop!

Around 10 tonight I decided I had to get out of here and get some things to improve my condition. So off I went to Wal Mart in search of Zicam, a body pillow, lip balm, and a thermometer.

This is where I'm going to mention how much I hate Wal Mart. My dislike of Wal Mart has nothing to do with how they pay their employees, health insurance, or anything else that gets most people all worked up. I hate it because I can never find anything I need there. If I go in for no marticular reason, I can find lots of stuff I want. But if I dare go in there with a list I can be sure almost nothing will be crossed off, or I'll spend an absurd amount of time trying to find what I'm looking for.

Tonight was one of those nights and I was NOT in the mood.

I should also mention that Wal Mart in Lewisburg, WV attracts some interesting characters after dark. I could walk around with Smith's Book of Human Malformations and make at least two dozen diagnoses.

But I digress. I didn't realize how lousy I felt until I realized I was actually using the cart to hold myself up. Not a good start. I head over to where the bedding stuff is to look for my body pillow. There is usually a large basket of them in the middle of the aisle. Tonight, however, it seemed to have been replaced by baby formula. No body pillows anywhere.

Then I went to the medicine area to find my Zicam and thermometer. Found the Zicam, but no thermometer. I walked up and down the aisles, but nothing. I asked someone. They went and asked someone else. Nobody knows where the thermometers are.

Headed back to the pillows area, determined to not strike out twice.

Asked for help. Nobody knows what happened to the body pillows either.

At this point I have spent far too much time in Wal Mart. I feel awful and am annoyed that I couldn't get what I needed.

Off to the checkout.

There are 19 checkout aisles in this Wal Mart. They have 2 open and the line is 5 deep at either one.

I finally get to pay and the lady does a double take when she looks at me and says, "Oh, wow, you look awful!"

Well, shit, compared to what? The freaks walking through here? I'm the only person (male or female) who isn't wearing a shirt that exposes their belly. I'm not wearing anything with holes or with camouflage. I bathed less than 12 hours ago. I have all of my teeth. I walk with a normal gait. I don't have any bizarre skin disease. My head and face are not dysmorphic. All of these features distinguish me from the other people there tonight.

And I look AWFUL?

August 27, 2006 8:47pm

I want a dog. I'm not a big fan of cats, mostly because of the severe allergic reaction I have whenever I am near one. Someone at school was giving away 5 puppies; half black lab, half german shepherd. i wanted one so badly I actually cried when I got in my truck and drove away and didn't have one with me.

My landlord won't let me have a pet, or I would now be the proud owner of two half lab half shepherd puppies named Miles and Coltrane, or Fred and Ginger depending on the sexes.

Thinking about dogs makes me realize how much I prefer dogs to people.

And that makes me realize how much I don't want to get married.

I sort of grew into the idea of getting married the longer DB and I were together. Maybe it's the break-up, maybe it's just me realizing I'm better off unmarried. Either way, I just really hate the idea of getting married. I know it works for a lot of people, but I just don't see it working for me.

This doesn't mean that I don't want to have someone in my life or have kids and a family of my own one day. It just means I really don't think I need to get married to have that.

I brought this up with my mom tonight. The conversation went like this:
Me: I really hate the idea of marriage. I just don't ever want to get married. It seems like a very co-dependent thing to be involved in.
Mom: But if you want to have children, being married makes it easier.
Now, there is some irony here because I think that my mother being married to my father actually made my life as a child much harder than it had to be. But I digress....
Me: You don't HAVE to be married to have kids.
Mom: Well, yeah, but, um, that's kind of, um, weird.
Me: It's only weird if you have no idea who the father is. That's very different from just not being married to him.
Mom: ::silence::

If I was pregnant, that would have been an awesome intro to that bombshell.

Maybe my thoughts on this will change one day, but I don't see that happening any time soon.

Oddly enough, I do want a family very much. My poor mother. She tries so hard not to flip out when I make decisions she doesn't agree with. The rest of my family isn't quite as accepting.

On a totally unrelated note....I want ice cream right now. I have some Breyers French Vanilla in the freezer. I have to say that I do not like it at all. It tastes sticky. Not refreshing. I'm off to find some plain ice cream that will melt nicely into an ice cream soup.

August 24, 2006 11:50pm

4 Days closer to being 30.

That's how I'm going to measure my life.

Today's thoughts are on laundry. I love doing laundry. In fact, I have what I like to call a "laundry lab" here. I have the detergent, bleach, oxyclean, stain stick, fabric softener all line dup on top of the dryer. I add carefully measured amounts of these things to my loads of laundry. There's something very satisfying about putting things in that are dirty and having them come out clean.

You can change the way your clothes smell just by changing your detergent. Think about how amazing that is. Think about the people you love the most. Don't they have a certain smell? Sometimes it's from their laundry detergent. You can give yourself a completely different smell just by switching to a new detergent!

I have a friend whose laundry smells so good. I think it's Tide, but I can't duplicate it exactly. Every time I'm around him I breathe deeply because he just smells so darn good! And I know it's his clothes because he has a clean laundry smell. Then everything he touches in my house has that smell and i love it. I become a psycho and start sniffing throw pillows.

I really love laundry.

August 20, 2006 11:23am

Today is my 25th birthday.  For the first time in years, I actually want to make a big deal about my birthday.  Maybe it's because I'm trapped at school and can't really do much to celebrate. 

I am going to lunch with a friend today, so that's something. 

I don't like being 25.  I thought I would have more accomplished by now.  I know that sounds absurd, but I really thought I'd be further along in my life.  I thought I'd be more settled with a job and just general lifestyle. 

A lot of that changed this year and was beyond my control.  I hate when other people don't understand my plans! 

August 18, 2006 11:57pm

Pizza makes me thirsty.  Not just normal "Hey I ate something salty so I need a cold drink" kind of thirsty, but more like "I have stopped producing antidiuretic hormone and I need a constant flow of liquid into my body" thirsty.

I had three slices of pizza for dinner tonight and have since finished off 3 Quarts of unsweetened iced tea.  Let me tell you.... I am a peeing fiend!  I just can't help myself. 

I don't think this is normal.  I feel like I should be able to handle my salt a little better. 

This summer I had abnormally high blood pressure.  After a million tests, I was told that it was probably due to stress and anxiety and I needed to just relax more. Just as quickly as it got high, it went back to being quite low.  When it was high I didn't know and didn't care.  Now that it's low, every time I stand up I instantly get dizzy and my heart pounds so hard I think it's going to jump out of my chest.  I would worry about this, except in school today I learned that this is a normal reaction as long as it lasts just a few minutes.  It does.  It's called "reflex tachycardia".  What happens is that all my blood falls down in my body because of gravity and my heart tried to pump faster to get more of it to my brain. 

Yay for my heart looking out for my brain's best interest. 

But none of this is related to my thirst issues. 

When I don't eat salty food I don't get thirsty.  Sometimes it will be 3 or 4 in the afternoon before I realize I haven't had anything to drink.  I live in a constant state of dehydration and, therefore, low blood pressure. 

I read one of BBM's posts on how she drinks milk with every meal and something clicked in my head "that sounds yummy".  So now I am addicted to drinking organic milk with every meal...except pizza because that doesn't sound yummy at all. 

August 16, 2006 11:39am

Why are people so afraid of the word "dead"?  I don't mean having a fear of death, I mean fear or dislike of saying the word "dead".   What is with this "passed away" bullshit?  If something or someone is dead then dead is what they should be called.  The only things that are passed are tests and gas. 

When my dad died I remember calling my sister and saying the words "Daddy died."  There was no question of what happened.  He was dead.  No longer alive.  Ceased to be.

Even in medical school they tell us that if a patient dies and we are informing the family we should clearly say, "I'm sorry, but they died."  We aren't supposed to say "I'm sorry, but they passed away."  or "They passed on."  Also to be avoided are the cruder "kicked the bucket", "bought the farm", "paid the piper", etc.  We are supposed to say the word "dead" because it's real.  It doesn't sugar coat it.  There's no room for interpretation. 

So why is it in general conversation we say "passed away"?  I believe in heaven.  Some people don't.  But even if you do, the person is still dead.  It's their spirit that lives on, but their body is most decidedly dead. 

I want to start a movement to bring back the word "dead".  Don't be afraid of it. 

August 14, 2006 12:46pm

Back at school.

I really don't want to be here.  Everything is just annoying me.  People.  Heat.  General life.  I'm just irritated by it all. 

My mom came down this weekend and helped me settle in.  She cleaned my apartment for me and made it livable. 

Today is my frist day back in class. 

I feel somewhat like an outcast, and I'm not entirely sure why. 

I'll try to say more later.

August 5, 2006 10:06pm

Calling all parents or people who were once children.......

I'm trying to find a kid's book that I remember.  Don't know the title, though.

The story is about a bear and a doll that live on the same shelf in a store.  Nobody buys them and they become really good friends.  One day, a little boy buys the bear and a little girl buys the doll and they go to different places, but are happy in their new homes.

Sucks, I know.  I would make my mom read it to me over and over in hopes that the ending would change.  It didn't. 

Any idea what the title is?  I must find this book!!


I continued my movie marathon today.  Match Point actually wasn't so bad, but I can add it to the list of movies that have no real ending.  I can also add Broken Flowers to that list and possibly even put it at the top since every conflict in the story line went completely unresolved. 

August 3, 2006 9:29pm

After my attempts at going to the the beach today were hampered by the heat, I decided to make a movie day.  I headed over to blockbuster and rented just about anything I could get my hands on that I hadn't already seen or was totally uninterested in.

After several hours of movie watching, take-out from Surf Taco, and many glasses of iced tea I can safely say I have seen two of the worst movies ever made:
1) Domino
2)Aeon Flux

That's about 4 hours of my life that I'm never going to get back. 

July 30, 2006 10:59pm

My summer vacation is quickly coming to a close. 

What I've learned this summer:

1)Don't count on other people, deal with crap yourself.
2)Don't count on other people, deal with crap yourself.
3)When it's really hot out, just stay inside dumbass! 
4)No matter how good an air conditioner you may have, the upstairs will always be hotter than downstairs.  This is a fact.  Accept it.
5)New Jersey is way better than West Virginia.
6)Pork Roll is the best breakfast meat ever.  Period.
7)Doing things by myself isn't so bad and I should do it more often. 


Those were some major life lessons right there. 

Anyone listened to the Saving Jane album?  Don't be turned off by that corny "Girl Next Door" song.  It's actually a really good album.  Seriously.  Go listen to it.  If I wasn't so inept and so tired right now I would try to figure out how to put the music on my blog.  I know how to add videos, but the only video they have is for the stupid Girl Next Door song and that's what I'm trying to avoid. 

Know what I find to be a real waste of time?  Peeing.  I just hate having to go pee.  There are so many other things I have to do in a day and it's really never a convenient time to pee.  That's why I wait hours and hours and hours until I'm doing the 5 year old pee-pee dance before I go.  If I never had to pee I would probably have a few hours of extra free time over a lifetime. 

July 26, 2006

My grandmother died last Friday.  I knew she was going to die soon ans I sort of hoped it would be before I went back down to school.  It was. 

Ryan (I will refrain from using his more common name now) sent my mom a basket of flowers.  That was nice, I guess.  He put this weird quote on the card.  Something about angels and heaven.  Not his writing.  Weird. 

Simultaneously, Mike totally vanished into thin air for almost two weeks.  I knew he was at work, but the only way I have to reach him is by cell phone and he wasn't answering it....  long story short, I was a total wreck thinking something terrible happened to him.  turns out his phone took a swim in the toilet. 

So I've had a bit of an emotional few weeks.  A few meltdowns were in order.  Talked to Mike this morning and explained to him that I'm unhappy with how I feel a bit ignored by him.  Without going into all of the details, it was a productive conversation and I feel a lot better. 

I had some weird things taken off me two weeks ago. The biposies all came back okay, except one had atypical cells and hyperplasia.  That means it wasn't a melanoma, but it would have been if I left it there. 

I don't want to go back to WV.  Home is so much nicer. 

July 17, 2006 10:11am

My friend Georgina is coming to visit today.  I go to school with her.  She's actually not coming here to see me so much as she's coming to shadow my mom for a few days.

My neighbors moved.  Well, not all of them, just half of them.  There were parents and two older sons living there.  The parents moved to Florida two weeks ago.  The sons packed them up and drove down with them.  While they were packing, they asked if they could park some of their cars in my driveway so they could park the U-Haul in their driveway.  Being the nice neighbor that I am, I said they could.

When I got home later that day, I found a large SUV parked right in the middle of my driveway and a beat up POS with no license plates way in the back driveway.  Arggh!  Fine.  I'll be nice. 

Days go by and the cars are still there.  Then it's time for them to leave.  They promise me that the POS will be out of the driveway before they leave.  Great!

Nope.  I see them standing around the POS with the hood up and the thing is smoking.  And they just HAD to leave right then.  Couldn't wait to get the POS out of my driveway. 

They left and the boys came back a week later.  POS still sitting in my driveway.  It took two more days for them to get their act together and get it out of there.

The irony in this is that I thought I was finally in a place in my life where I didn't have someone filling up my yard with crappy, unusable cars. 

Well, at least some things never change.

Oh, and if anyone happens to see or talk to DB....could you please ask him why he has the money to buy two more junk vehicles but doesn't have the money to pay back what he owes me or my mother. 

Oh yeah, I know all about what's going on. 

July 13, 2006 9:39pm

Working has completely cut into my vacation/relaxation/being lazy time.  On the bright side, it refocused me and reminded me why I'm in med school.  I was starting to hate life for a while there, and I think this has helped remind me that it's ok to hate life for a little while because it's going to get better soon.

Speaking of getting better soon.....

The holes in my mouth are finally starting to close up.  The food getting stuck in them is really, really gross though. 

I'm sitting here now enjoying a Fresca and Vodka.  Don't mock it, it's really good! 

I feel old.  I'm going to be 25 in a month.  I guess it sounds silly, but I'm not a patient person and I want my life to be settled, not so stirred up.  I feel like it's going to take me so long to get settled that I won't be able to enjoy it.  By the time I feel safe and secure and happy, I'll be really old, have saggy boobs, grey hair, and wrinkles.

Bah.  More vodka.

July 10, 2006 2:24pm

This is the last summer I am ever going to have off. 

For most of the world, summers off stopped after high school or college, but I extended that by a few years. 

Not having summers off is just normal for most people.

I, however, am not coping with this very well.  I planned to have the most awesome kick ass summer vacation ever.

It didn't happen that way.  Most of my plans fell through and those that didn't turned not to not be "all that".  I think the anticipation was too great.  My expectations were too high.  Shit just didn't go my way. 

Well ain't life a bitch? 

But I do have some new plans for the coming year.  Specifically, I want to come home more often.  Last year, that long stretch between August and December when I wasn't home nearly killed me.  I had DB coming to see me a few times, so that helped, but now I'm on my own.  I asked Mike to come and visit, and he said he would like to and will try, but with his work schedule I don't know how he can until things settle down with his business.  I don't want to come up here just to see him, though, I want to sleep in my bed, in my room, in my house, cook in my kitchen, and just be in my town. 

Ooooh.  I had moles removed today.  Isn't that exciting?  One was really funky looking which is what prompted me to go to the surgeron in the first place and he decided to take 3 others at the same time.  So anyway, one was on my shoulder and I started to watch him cutting into it and YIKES I completely freaked out.  Not good.  No.  Very bad.  For some reason, doctors think that because I'm in medical school I want to see these things.  WRONG.  My gynecologist offered me a mirror last time I was in her office.  A mirror?  No thanks.  Ya seen one ya seen em all. 

July 6, 2006 5:23pm

The wisdom teeth experience wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be.  A little Versed and I don't remember a thing!  Unfortunately, I developed dry sockets and now I have to have them packed with something that tastes like cloves.  Ick! 

The pain from the dry sockets was much worse than the pain from the initial extraction. 

I'm wearing a holter monitor for the day because I was having some heart palpitations.  It's annoying having all of these stickies on me and carrying around this power pack. 

Tomorrow is going to be a crazy day.  I have to get my teeth re-packed in the morning, drive all the way up to work (an hour with no traffic) work a few hours, get home in time to drop off the holter at the hospital, and come home to shave my legs because Mike is supposed to have tomorrow night off. 

"Supposed to" is the key phrase there.  But things are going well with his business.  Really well, actually, so I can't bitch too much.  It's nice being with a guy who has motivation and self direction. 

Back in the day when we were just friends and working together, I would spent the better part of a 12-14 hour shift telling him that he was doing nothing with his life and he was so much better than what he was settling for.  Every chance I got I would remind him that he won't be happy there and he had to find something else to do so he could feel successful. 

Well he picked a fine time to go and take my advice!  Doesn't he understand that I want to be the center of attention for just a little while!  He can go and get busy when I'm bored with him. 

Ho hum. 

July 4, 2006 12:39am

Lots to update on, but I'm a little sleepy. 

The short version...

Since last week I have
 1) Had my wisdom teeth taken out (all 4)
2) visited with my sisters who came for the weekend
3) had an amazing time with my twin niece and nephew (they're 4 years old)
4) cooked some absolutely fabulous meals
5)went to the beach!
6) thought about just how happy I am with my life and how wonderfully lucky I am

I'll explain more tomorrow.  Right now I'm going to slip into bed between my 1200 thread count sheets that I got at a deal from  overstock.com (hey, I may be a brat, but I'm still just a student) and dream sweet dreams. 

And does anyone know what to do about the very, um, umcomfortable and long-lasting side effect one gets from percocet?  If you know what I'm talking about then you probably know how to fix it.  Help me please!  I'm going to explode soon.

June 22, 2006 11:35am

I started working at my old job again.  Not the track...well, I'm there too, but also at my job at Saint Barnabas.  I have a snazzy new title: Pandemic Planner.  Such an awesome resume boost!  I do daily updates on Avian Flu news that goes out to a growing distribution list.  I'm also writing the hospital system's pandemic flu plan.  Most of all, I'm just happy to be back there with my guys. 

I am worried about a friend of mine there.  He has cancer.  Hodgkin's Disease.  He's only about 31 years old.  Too young to have to go through this.  This is the 3rd time he's been sick in the past few years.  He's been in some form of treatment for almost as long as I've known him.  I remember when I first started working for him.  I thought he was just so-o-o-o cute!  He's still cute, but he looks very different.  Anyway, I think he isn't feeling well most days and it really breaks my heart to see him like that. 

Today is my day off and it's raining.  My big chance to go to the beach is gone. 

Hopefully I'll get to see Mike tomorrow night.  He's been working every day since last week and hasn't been around at all.  But his business is doing well and it's about to grow exponentially (fingers crossed) as long as a particularly big contract works out for him.  I miss him and it's frustrating not being able to see him or talk to him whenever I want.  But I'm very proud of him.  I sent him a text message today just to remind him of that because, well, I'm awesome. 

Off to do some studying and reviewing so I don't forget everything I learned about being a doctor!

June 17, 2006 10:11am

Sorry I haven't updated in a while.  I seem to have an easier time writing when life sucks.

And right now it just doesn't suck at all! 

Saw Mike on Wednesday night.  Had an absolutely lovely evening.  I made a fabulous dinner and he was completely impressed.  Conversation was wonderful.  He put together my grill for me.  Very handy! 

Yeah, I'm feelin' good.

Went to a friend's wedding last night.  That was fun.  got to see some of my old comrades from SBHCS.  They want me to come back to work starting Tuesday.  I love that work so much that it won't even feel like a summer job.  Not only do I get to hang out with my friends, but I get to do something that I really believe in.  Oh,  for those out of the loop, I will be working with the disaster preparedness office again.  Sweet! 

And on a less fun note, my blood pressure has been running very high.  I went to see my Dr. about it.  Besides just having the high BP, I've also been having heart palpitations, headaches, and dizzy spells.  I had some blood work done a few days ago and I'm supposed to go back to see her in 2 weeks.  Then she's going to give me an EKG and have me wear a monitor for a while.  Hopefully it will turn out to be something that's an easy fix like thyroid.

I'm off to enjoy this besutiful day!

June 9, 2006 10:47pm

Life has been nice. 

I've been home for a week and already got my first sunburn.  Worked at the track a few times.  I really enjoyed talking to some of the people who I work with.  They all seem to think that DB is...well...a douche bag.  One went so far as to say to DB, "Where are your fuckin' brains?  You're really an ass hole."  Right to his face.  The best part is that this came from a 70-ish grandfather type who is on our crew.  Love that man!

Things are going well with GFKAMM. 

Ok, this is getting silly.  His name is Mike.  We'll call him that from now on. 

Anyway, Mike has been working a lot lately so I haven't been able to see him.  He works mostly in another state and stays there while he's needed, so I won't see him until he gets home...probably Sunday or any other day next week.  We've been keeping in touch on the phone and our conversations have been very nice.  He makes me smile. 

Tonight I ordered a pizza and watched Must Love Dogs.  Tomorrow I have the whole day off so I'll probably relax and do some reading.

I promised Nathan, my friend from school, that I would read All The King's Men this summer so we could go see the movie in September.  Anyone else ever read this book?  The lanugage is a little difficult (REALLY big words and very long sentences).  Not a beach read at all!  But I always welcome a literary challenge! 

So the king and all his men and I are headed off to bed.

Oh, how do you all fall asleep?  I just lay there and tooss and turn.  The sunburn is going to make this uncomfortable for me tonight, but even when I'm pure alabaster I can't fall asleep or stay asleep for long.  Any ideas?

June 1, 2006 3:17pm

Oh I am CRANKY!!! 

It's hot as hell in my bedroom, so I've been sleeping on the couch in the living room.  This means that my back hurts like hell.

I wish people would just SHUT UP.  Just stop talking.  For the love of God and all that is holy can we just have a moment of silence?   When I'm sitting in lecture, people are constantly whispering to each other.  More than just "What did he just say?"  or "What time is this over?".  No, not they have full conversations in a loud whisper.  Totally distracting and rude.  Just shut up people! 

And I'm so sick and tired of people talking about how proud they are of how drunk they are going to get or have gotten.  Is this supposed to be something that is admired?  What if I talked about my ability to eat an entire pizza and more in one sitting?  I'm a pig.  But if I can drink 14 beers, well, then I'm a party!  Why are these people all around me all the time?  Why am I always being punished by having them in my life?  Why is it so hard to get away from them?  Why can't I find people like me?  Why am I the only person who was born 35 years old?

And why is it that I study so incredibly hard and just get mediocre grades?  Why it is I know my stuff cold and then can't answer the questions on the test?  Why is it that the lushes get by without much work? 

I never, ever, ever, ever should have agreed to go back to the track.  The extra cash will be nice so I can buy stuff for my house that I need (like furniture), but I should have stuck with my original plan of not working or only working at my old job....which is starting to become a mess also since now they want me to do things that weren't in the original deal.

And I'm supposed to study tonight with someone, but I just want to stay home.  I want to get a pizza and wallow in my bitterness.

Yes, I know there are people in the world with bigger problems than mine.  I'm just having a crappy day and needed to vent. 

May 28, 2006 10:53pm

I went cave exploring with Georgina and Joe today. So much fun! I wimped out on going through the really tiny part where you'd have to crawl, but next time I'll be a little braver.


And this is what happened when I saw a bat....





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But I'm really glad I went. New experiences are good.



Now, just a few more days until I can go home. The countdown has begun.

May 26, 2006 5:46pm

One week down and one week to go! 

Next week at this time I should be somewhere on the Pennsylvania Turnpike quickly approaching home. 

It's Friday, which means pizza night in my world.

That all started because my mom always worked late on Friday nights (still does) and she would bring home a pizza.  It became a routine and then a tradition.  When I got to college I just couldn't imagine a Friday night without pizza.  Now I still do pizza on Friday nights whenever I can. 

I'm starting to think I'm my own worst enemy.  I am the only thing standing in the way of being really happy right now.  Why?  Because I'm a paranoid weirdo and always assume the worst.  Has anyone ever actually died of anxiety?  I'm going to look that up later.  Being in a stressful situation right now doesn't make it any easier to be less paranoid either. 

On a happier note, I have a three day weekend.  That gives me a whole extra day to procrastinate! 

May 24, 2006 1:48pm

So I'm enjoying day 2 of the migraine that just won't quit.  It's been fun living in total darkness and silence. 

Mystery Man....sorry, GFKAMM (come on!  help me with the new name people!) called me last night.  I finally told him that he has got to get rid of the beard.  Besides the itchyness I get all over my face, I'm just not into it.  It's like guys with long hair...not my thing. He said we can "negotiate". 

That was pissing me off a little.  Dude, I get a rash from it! 

I'm still on the fence about going back to work at the track this summer.  I think I'll miss it if I'm not there, but DB is still there and he's been bringing the psycho chick around.  To quote someone who works with us, "Eeeewwwwwwww."  Yeah, my thoughts exactly.  It's sort of funny that he never realizes that people think he's an idiot and make fun of him.  I spent a lot of time defending him, so maybe he'll start to realize it now that I'm not there.  No.  Wait.  That would require one to be perceptive and somewhat intelligent. 

Bah Argh! 

Grrrrrr.

Okay, I'm better now. 

Home.  Soon.  It's a mantra. 

May 21, 2006 2:18pm

Something smells funny.

No, really.  there's a strange odor in my vicinity. 

I swear I showered today. 

Oh well.

Had a dream last night about DB.  Probably brought on by my conversation yesterday.  In my dream, DB, his dad and sister all came to my apartment.  I spent the whole time telling his dad what an awful person his son is.  Then I threw them all out, but DB stayed.  I turned around and he was smiling and holding a miniature version of my engagement ring (mini, as in could fit on my pinky) and said that he's just been really busy with work lately and that's why all this happened.  Now that things are better with work, he wants to be with me again. 

Wow, am I good at superimposing two totally different issues or what?! 

I was quite proud of myself, though.  In my dream, I said to him "No, no I'm not taking you back.  You need to leave."  Yay for my subconscious.  Or is it my unconscious?  Either.  Yay for feeling that way in my dreams! 

Then I woke up to Mystery Man calling me.  So, all in all, not a bad night. 

Okay, I need a new name for mystery man.  Any ideas?  I was thinking of some variation of Hottie from Home or Buff N Stuff.  It doesn't have to rhyme or be alliterative. 

Told the guy formerly known as Mystery Man about my dream.  He informed me that DB has called him.  Yikes!  DB knows about me and the guy formerly known as Mystery Man (GFKAMM).  He seems to be annoyed by it since he just randomly cancelled my XM radio which was already paid for through the summer.  No biggie on that.  I just put it on my credit card.  Anyway, he called GFKAMM  "just to say hi".  The message he left was friendly.  "Haven't talked to you.  Hope all is well with you." 

Sort of funny.  Sort of sad.  I have no idea why he would be doing that. 

Also found out that DB has switched religions and now goes to psycho chick's church every sunday.  This is the guy who I would have to drag to church.  Now he goes willingly and even belongs to their "book club".  Can'd do anything on Sundays because that's "church day"- or so he's told his friends.

He always did let himself be manipulated by people.  He never had his own opinions or ideas.  He just adopted those of the people around him.  So it doesn't surprise me that he's easily influenced, but I am surprised as to the degree of it. 

So totally bizarre.  And his friends seem to be very aware of his bizarre behavior. 

Ha.  And he claimed that they said he acted different when he was around me.  Now they don't like who he is. 

Well.  Back to pharm! 

May 20th, 2006 5:05pm

I hate that I'm still angry over Douche Bag.

But something cheered me up today.  Talked to a friend who works at the race track.  Said that DB brought psycho up with him to work one night.  Afterwards, the guys were saying to each other, "He gave up Liz for that.  Liz is hot as hell, going to be a doctor, and they have this great house at the beach.  What was he thinking?" 

Well, there's no accounting for taste, or logic. 

Some guys have it, others don't.  Luckily, Mystery Man does.

Oh, so I worked on resolving some of my issues with him.  Actually, they're more like issues I have with myself.  I finally just told him how I feel....neglected, ignored, etc.

He said he knew that and he feels awful about it.  He's working a lot and trying really hard to have more time this summer when I come home.  He said he wants to "be" with me and he's having trouble balancing everything with work now because he's running his own business.  HE's a little better at the 5 minute "Just calling to say hi and I'm thinking about you" call.  Really, that's all a woman needs sometimes.  To know she's being thought of.

He was like my forbidden crush for about 3 years so to "be" with him is still a bit unreal.  I want to do this right because....well....I just do.  This isn't just a rebound "I need to not be alone" thing because, honestly, it would be a lot easier to just be me- single and free.  It's also not just a "I'm going to date around" thing because we were already so close.  If it doesn't work then it doesn't work, but it can't not work because I'm a spaz because I'll be really pissed at myself.

Okay, back to studying pharm. 

May 19, 2006 5:41pm

Exactly two weeks from today I will be in my fully packed truck and driving home.

Yes, it's May 19th. 

And it's 54 degrees out!  WTF?  when is it going to get warm here.

The sun never shines in West Virginia.  It has been cloudy every day for over two weeks now. 

I found good bagels today!  Once again, my favorite Greenbrier Valley Baking company came through.  The same place that makes the awesome pizza also makes kick ass bagels.

So here's my plan for the summer....

Drive home on June 2nd.  Promptly vacume and dust the house so I don't feel skeeved by my surroundings.

June 3rd: go to the bank and deposit my tax refund check.
                 Promptly begin spending my tax refund...starting with my KitchenAid Artisan Stand mixer from Williams-Sonoma. 

Yay!  I have around $120 in gift certificates to the mall where W-S is located near me, so that knocks a bit off the price.

Then, I'm going to come home from my glorious purchase and immediately go online to buy THIS SET of Le Creuset.   Or maybe THIS ONE.   I can't decide which is the better deal.  Any advice?  Macon? 

With my tax refund just about half spent, I am then going to buy a porch swing. 

By June 4th, I'll have no money but I can rest easy knowing that the purchases which will make my life complete are on their way! 

May 14, 2006 11:40am

Dude, what is with the crazy number of comments I suddenly got on some of my archived posts?  I have about a thousand links for where to buy Viagra and how to make calls to Poland for $0.44/minute. 

Who are these people? 

"Your site is very cognitive."  That has to be a bad translation.

May 14, 2006 12:58pm

Bet ya thought I disappeared!

Well, not quite.  Just been busy with school. 

We're starting to come to the end of the year.  My last day in June 2nd.  I plan to be back home in Jersey that night, in my bed, smelling the salt air. 

People who aren't from Jersey, or who aren't from the part of Jersey I grew up in just don't get why that smell is so good to me.  I love the smell of the air just after a storm.  It smells like dead fish and seaweed.  Sweet perfume.


Another weekend off since we just had a test on Friday.  I'm trying to just enjoy the nice weather and sit out on my deck.  Sometimes I like being left alone, and sometimes it gets lonely here.  But right now I kind of want to be alone.  I'm glad that I live out of the way so nobody can drive by and see my car here. 


I wish I had an artistic talent.  I admire people who can play an instrument, paint, sing or do anything that you can't learn in a book.I wish I could do something like that so that I would have a "thing".  Right now, my "thing" is being a doctor.  Nice.  But I want a "thing" that I had to be born with a talent to do, not one that I just had to pass a bunch of tests to do. 


And my hair is pissing me off.  I want to have the kind of hair that looks good first thing in the morning.  The kind that's so thick that it never gets flat.  Unfortunately, mine is so baby fine and short that it sticks straight up or just molds itself into the form of my pillow.


And another thing...why don't people in the movies or on tv ever have morning breath?  They wake up in the morning after a night of dinner followed by crazy animal sex.  They probably didn't brush their teeth before they went to sleep.  Yet, when they wake up in the morning they're still in a perfect spooning position and roll over to kiss each other with no problems.  If I did that, I'd have the chizel the layer of scum that has grown on the roof of my mouth first.

Maybe I'm just gross. 

May 7, 2006 1:51pm

Today is a very blah day.  It's raining, but I usually like that.

I just feel like doing nothing.  Unfortunately, I have lots to do because we have a test on Friday.

Blah.

I want a dog, but according to my lease I can't have one.  I think I want a dog so that I can have someone that will pay attention to me. 

I....am....an attention....whore.

But I don't go out of my way to get attention from random strangers or groups of people.  I prefer my attention to come from specific people.

Back to studying....

May 5, 2006 12:11pm

Some people just don't deserve to be liked. 

But everyone is liked by someone, so either they just don't realize that the individual doesn't deserve to be liked or they themselves don't deserve to be liked so it's like a little club.

There are some people I go to school with who I dislike for totally irrational reasons.  I feel bad about this, but I have found that even when I try to get to know them my first impression was right.

Then there's the people who obviously shouldn't be liked- such as Douche Bag and Osama Bin Laden. 

But what about all of the grey areas?  People who haven't actually done anything to you personally, but they just don't seem right.

I go to school with a girl who has an enormous head.  Pumpkin Head, I call her....not to her face, of course.  But it's not her head that bothers me, it's that she just comes across as being very arrogant and materialistic.  She wears designer clothes almost exclusively and I get the impression she looks down on others.  Even dubbing herself the "Fashion Police".  What a turd. 

I guess I'm not much better since I call her Pumpkin Head, but still...she started it! 

Ah, I guess we all don't deserve to be liked sometimes.

Yesterday I was being a brat to Mystery Man.  Just a brat, there's no other word for it.  I was annoyed at him for a variety of reasons.  Some legitimate, but not warranting being a brat, and some that have nothing to do with him, but he pays the price for it anyway. 

Specifically, I don't have enough faith in our relationship (or whatever it is) to believe that if I don't hear from him or if he's busy with other things that everything is still "okay" with us.  I assume the worst.  Go through a mini grieving period, and get prepared to move on.  Only to find out it all still is fine.

Yeah, it's a wee bit neurotic.  I hate it.  I wasn't always like this.  It's just that I'm a little mistrusting of people.  Two or three days of no contact doesn't mean "working for two or three days straight" or "been with the kids" or "my arm fell off and I needed surgery".  It automatically means "I've been off with some other chick for 2 or 3 days and you'll never know anything about it." 

I think Elvis Costello said it best, "All I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you." 

May 2, 2006 9:21pm

I don't know what my summer routine is going to be.  I've always had a routine.  Even when it changed, I knew what it was going to change to.  There were certain things that I could always count on.

Now that's different.  I don't have anyone to get breakfast for on Sunday morning.  I don't have someone to go to the diner with me at 1am for eggs and toast.  DB and I used to do that with a friend of his when he would get off work late.  I gained 7 pounds doing that.

So it's just as well, I guess.

I decided not to go back to work at the track this summer.  I'm going to miss it, but DB is still working there and Mystery Man won't be.  I have another job lined up, but I think I want to just veg out and enjoy my last summer off for the rest of my life.



On to something else.....

I hate that my dishwasher doesn't really clean my dishes well.  Is it too much to ask for to have a dishwasher that properly cleans your dishes?! 

And those little tabs, packs, powders, squirts, and whatever else you put in there....I think it's all a scam.  I don't think it really get soapy in there so how could it possibly clean anything?

Argh!

May 1, 2006 1:36pm

I'm happy.  Truly happy.

It's been a while since I've just been happy.  More than content.  Happy.

For the first time since I got to medical school, I'm actually feeling like I'm in medical school.  I like what I'm learning.  We're doing more clinical stuff so it's more interesting to me. 

Things are going well with mystery man.  I think I'm going to have to come up with a better name for him, since he isn't so much of a mystery any more.  Things would be better if I could just learn to relax and enjoy what it is instead of worrying about what it isn't or what it could be.

I'm just feeling happy. 

Even my laundry smells good. 

April 29, 2006 11:55pm

Finally a weekend off! 

Got caught up on sleep last night.  It was won-der-ful! 

I can't concentrate unless I feel organized.  If my apartment is a mess, I can't get anything done.  Which usually means I have to either clean the place up (and waste precious study time) or go somewhere else to work. 

So when I have a free weekend, I spend it organizing myself. 

Bathroom cleaned?  Check!
Food shopping with all healthy, organic food?  Check!
Sheets cleaned?  Check!
Laundry done?  Check!
Bills Paid?  Check!

And all of that lasts about two days.  That's how long it takes me to start leaving dirty clothes wherever I take them off and say "Screw cooking.  I'm thinkin' Arby's!" 

It's very much like when I was in grade school.  I'd start off the year with a brand new Trapper Keeper.  So much hope.  So many folders.  Each subject could have its own folder. 

Within a week, the bottom of my bookbag has a wrinkled spelling test and a dented juice box that comes dangerously close to exploding every time I throw another book into the bag.

April 26, 2006 10:52pm

...still studying.

Just taking a break.

I forgot to mention something I did a few days ago. 

I sent an email to DB asking for some stuff back that he took.  I also asked him where some things are packed away (from the move out of our apartment) that I was looking for.  Both practical reasons for making contact.

And then I did something else.

I added an "oh, by the way...". 

Yeah.  I told him about me and mystery man.  I had two reasons for doing this.

The first (and the one that had been bugging me the most) is that despite DB being, well, a Douche Bag, I still have a modicum of respect for him.  He's just too pathetic to completely hate.  I can't bring myself to think he is a bad person.  He just doesn't know any better.  Being an adult.  Being in an adult relationship.  He couldn't mentally handle any of that.

We planned a life together and I can't just ignore that.  Mystery Man, DB, and I have been friends for several years.  If Mystery Man was someone DB didn't know then I wouldn't feel obligated to say anything, but in this case I wanted him to find out from me before he found out from someone else. 

The second reason is that I get just a pinch of juvenile enjoyment out of being able to tell him that I am seeing a person who 1) was his friend and (more importantly 2) is someone he looked up to and admired, but was never quite able to reach. 

I have no problem admitting that I can be evil sometimes.  And I know all about Karma being a bitch.  But there's no reason I can't enjoy this feeling while I can.

April 26, 2006 8:16pm

I have two exams this week. One tomorrow and one on Friday.

Strangely enough, I'm actually motivated for these.  For the first time since I got to medical school I actually feel like I'm in medical school.  Not that dissecting a cadaver left any confusion, but everything we've learned up until now hasn't been very interesting to me.  Now we're into Immunology/Microbiology and Pharmacology.  I'm really enjoying this.

So, this Site Meter thing is cool.  I can pretty much pick out who is who, but there's still a couple mysteries.  Especially the people who link in through my web site....how are you people finding that?  I wish there was some way to IM people who are on your blog and say "who are you?  Welcome!"  Maybe it would be more polite to reverse that.  Like right now, there's someone on from Perth Amboy, NJ.  I don't know anyone from there.  Hmmmm. 

I need to make myself some dinner, but I have no idea where to even start.  I'm considering going out to get something, but that causes some problems for me....

See, I'm completely insecure when it comes to what other people are thinking of me.  I'm especially paranoid about the people I go to school with.  Therefore, I am incapable of ordering take-out without having a mild anxiety attack.  My fear is that I'll see people I know from school out at the restaurant I'm going to.  They'll see me getting food and think, "wow, she's pretty pathetic.  She's all by herself."  Or, they'll think, "Wow, is she going to eat all that by herself?  That's enough for 4 people!" 

As a result, I'm stuck here.  Hungry.  About to eat some Ramen Noodle Soup.  And yes, I will eat all of it by myself. 

April 24, 2006 2:58pm

Peg, this one's for you babe!





I just want to note that the person on the right is, indeed, Kirk Cameron.

April 21, 2006 7:23pm

I'm starting to realize that nothing in my life will ever go according to plan. It doesn't matter how big or small my plan is. Stuff just doesn't work for me.

Take tonight...

I wanted a pizza. So, off I go to the Greenbrier Valley Baking Company to get my awesome pizza.

So there's this kid behind the counter who I've never seen before. I hate the be judgmental, but sometimes you just know from someone's hair cut that dealing with them is going to be a challenge. His hair was...different. Layered in the back like a girl's and long and whispy in the front. His bangs were in his eyes. I wanted to fix that for him with one swift chop.
Can I get a large pizza please? Half spinach. Half mushroom.
"No problem. That will be about 10 minutes."

Perfect. That's just enough time to take a little walk through town. I head up Washington Street and look in the windows for a bit. Make it up the big ass hill and go around the block. I pass a woman sitting in a bright yellow Mini Cooper. She's eating something, or maybe she's just licking her fingers for no reason. Anyway, back down the hill. I check my watch. It's been exactly 16 minutes. I walk back into GVBC.

Whispy haired guy is still behind the counter, but the store has now filled up a bit.

"Can I help you?"
Now, my short term memory isn't that good either. But I think I'd remember someone 16 minutes later. There's still only 4 other people in the store.
Uh...yeah, my pizza?
"Oh, right. Let me check on that."

He goes into the back where there seems to be an argument between a guy wearing an oversized beret and a really cute young girl over where a pizza has gone. There seems to be a missing pie. Now, picture this... it's a open bakery...meaning you can see the ovens and where they do all the prep work. There's a wall of ovens. Five to be exact. They seem to be putting the pizzas into the middle two ovens. As they are arguing, smoke starts billowing out of the bottom oven.

Whispy hair is trying to break into their conversation and alert them of the growing smoke condition, but he's rather soft spoken and can't seem to get a word in. Beret man finally turns around and sees what's happening. The flaming pie is removed from the oven.

The burnt pie actually wasn't mine. It belonged to a family of 5 who were planning to eat there. 3 boys, mom, and dad. The boys were totally out of control. Mom and dad were in the middle of some kind of fight. Now their pizza is burnt. What struck me as odd, though, is that they had only ordered a small pizza. One small pizza to feed 5 people, including 2 adults. I've seen this before. Maybe my family is strange, but that amount of food would never hold us. Yet somehow, other families manage to have a loaves and fishes miracle occur every time they order food. Or they just go hungry. I don't know.

Whispy hair has now found out that my pizza will be "a few more minutes". I thought about going back out walking, but I really don't want to miss this show.

Now Beret guy is busy making another pizza. More orders are coming in. All hell is breaking loose because they have to do more than two things.

Someone comes in and wants two slices. Whispy hair takes the two slices and puts them in the oven. He then stands beside the oven and waits for them to get hot. Beret guy doesn't like this. Tells him to go back out to the counter. He does.

Tic Toc. Tic Toc. Now I'm 30 minutes post pizza order. More orders coming in. Whispy hair guy is getting nervous. I see Beret guy take out two badly burnt slices from the oven and put them on a cooling rack. Whispy hair remembers his slices and runs to the back. Awww, poor kid. So he comes back to get two new ones. But he's stopped making eye contact with me.

Puts his two unburnt slices in the oven and stands next to the oven. Beret guy is mad again. Whispy hair sees that I'm watching this whole thing and stands on the opposite side of the oven so I can't see him. But every few seconds he pokes his head around the corner and looks at me, then hides again. Wow.

We're approaching 45 minutes post pizza order. I'm considering ordering a Tirsmisu before my blood sugar drops any further. Whispy hair comes out with the slices, but still won't make eye contact with me.

I'm seeing pizzas come out of the oven. None of them look like mine.

1 hour post pizza order. I finally see my half spinach, half mushroom pie come out of the oven unburnt.

Beret guy boxes it and brings it out to me.
"Thanks for hanging out with us."

What? I was visiting?

I get in my truck and drive around the block. there's the lady in the yellow mini...still licking her fingers. In this experience, I like to think of her as the little girl in the red coat from Schindler's List.

See...nothing is ever simple for me.

April 20, 2006 3:22pm

It's funny how sometimes you'll be reminded of someone at the oddest time. 

I'll be just going about my day and something will make me think of my dad. 

It's usually food....  something southern.... most likely fried. 

Or something will remind me of DB.  A commercial.  A TV show we always watched together.

When we were together, I didn't think about him all the time.  My mind was occupied with lots of different things.

But in a new relationship, all you think about is that other person.  Everything reminds you of them because you don't know them well enough to know what would strike them. 

I hate that.  I wish I could just ignore people.

Do you think most people are honest and trustworthy?  Or do you think most people aren't and it's rare to find someone who is?

I always thought it was the latter.

Ironically, the more I've been hurt the more I've decided that most people are actually good at heart. 

Or maybe it just depends on how involved someone is in your life.

Most of the world has never wronged me.  Probably because most of the world doesn't know me.

Hmmm...

April 19, 2006 1:18pm

Other things I will never do again.....

Believe that dripless candles are really dripless

Obsess over what size I am

Be unhappy with who I am, or think that I need to change who I am for someone else

Not enjoy a sunny day

Look for my mother's approval

Be crushed by her disapproval




Things I wish I could never do again....

Assume the worst

Give in to my anxiety

Need someone else in my life to be happy

Feel unwanted or disliked

Be so emotionally upset that I become physically ill

Take a test

Be tested......

April 17, 2006 9:00pm

Made it back down to school safe and sound.

Finally made contact with Mystery Man. apparently I can only attribute part of his absence to a need for alone-ness. The rest goes to a lack of phone charger.

Do men just not care to stay in communication as regularly as women do? Or do women just need constant reassurance and men don't? No news is good news?

I bought Mystery Man a gift. Is it too soon for a gift? It isn't very elaborate. It's a book from my school. The Osteopathic Manipulative therapy "pocket manual". Mystery Man gives some kick ass body massages and is really interested in various body manipulation techniques (doesn't that sound deliciously dirty?). So I got him the book that we use at school.

Too forward? "Hey baby, use those hands on me! And here's the 4-1-1 on how to do it properly!"

Still don't think I should have gone home this weekend. Too much drama for me. Though, it was nice to see my family.



Here are some pictures from the last time I was home.....

Brooke is getting married in June. But since I won't be able to go to her wedding in Hawaii, we did a White Castle wedding reception!

This is what Brooke will look like after the ceremony (artist's rendition)



And the wedding meal?

Ah, a perfect reception at Chateau Blanc (that's White Castle for those of you who don't know French).

April 15, 2006 5:39pm

I wish I didn't come home this weekend.

Anxiety is the worst feeling in the world.

Okay, here's what happened. Remember my mystery man? Well, he's still there. I went to lunch with a friend of mine yesterday and halfway through lunch she tells me that there's something I should know....

...she proceeds to tell me about this guy (we'll call him mean man) who she knows who is also mystery man's friend of 30+ years. Granted, they haven't spoken in almost a year but they were always close and periodically would go on these "friend breaks" where they don't speak for a while. Mystery man told me about this. I knew they were in a non-talking stage.

She makes a phone call and thrusts the phone into my hand. She called Mean Man. He proceeded to tell me that everything Mystery Man has ever told me is a lie. Um...okee. Like what?

Me: What does he lie about?
Mean Man: Well, tell me what he told you and I'll tell you if it's a lie.
Me: How about you tell me what you think I should know about him.
Mean Man: I don't know what he's told you. But he lies about everything.
Me: Like what?
Mean Man: I don't think he has a job right now. That business that he says is his is really mine. He doesn't work for me.

Okay, let's evaluate this. Mystery Man has 3 children from a previous marriage. Since our dates haven't been at the county jail, I'd venture to say that he's working.

So Mean Man went on to tell me all these other things that he says are lies.

At this point, I'm shaking. I feel sick and don't know what to do. I'm sitting in the middle of a restaurant and just want to fall apart right there.

But I don't.

Then he goes into....

Mean Man: So, how do you feel about all this?
Me: Um. Shocked, I guess.
Mean Man: Well, I'd rather that you didn't tell him I talked to you because that could create a lot of problems.
I should note here that Mean Man said this is a rather mean way, which is why I'm calling him 'Mean Man'.
I would prefer that you told him you go all of this through _____ (friend), but not from me directly.


Sounding sketchy? Also remember that I've known Mystery Man for about 4 years and have never met Mean Man.

Let's say I didn't already trust Mystery Man completely. I'm in a bit of a fragile state right now so trust is a hard thing for me. So let's evaluate the facts....

Mystery Man has always looked me in the eye when talking to me. Even to the point of repositioning me when I was in a very comfy spooning position with him on the couch when he wanted to tell me something important about himself that I didn't know.

Never gave lots of details about events (in other words, explains things like a normal guy, not one who is fabricating a story).

The things he has told me...some of them aren't so flattering to him. I know the good and the bad. If he were a pathological liar, it would be all good.


Then the drama really started. I called Mystery Man and told him what happened. He got really mad. Really really mad. To the point that I almost thought he was mad at me, but I asked and he assured me that his emotions were not directed at me.

The long and short of it is that Mean Man seems to hate Mystery Man for reasons not fully understood. Why I had to be dragged into it is also not fully understood.

So, Mystery Man was really upset last night and we ended up not going out. He wanted to be alone. This is something I can't understand and went into full on "Why are you shutting me out?" mode. Is this a guy thing? Do women reach out and men internalize? I don't get it.

It was just as well we didn't go out because I completely lost my appetite.

After, oh, a gazillion voicemails to Mystery Man I finally fell asleep. He called about 10am and then I talked to him again a few hours later. I won't get to see him this weekend since he's working for the rest of it and I go back to school Monday.

I'm pissed he wouldn't come over on the only night we were going to get to see each other. I'm pissed that this drama happened. I don't understand the wanting to be alone. I do understand how the loss of a lifetime friend is almost like a death and involves a grieving process. I am glad he didn't shut me out completely and at least called this morning.

But really. I do not need this right now! It will all calm down in a few days. I'm back at school for a month and a half anyway. We'll see what happens this summer.

This wouldn't be so complicated if I didn't know him for so long and already care about him so much. If he hadn't become my Mystery Man, this post would have been about my friend who is having a hard time right now and I don't know what to do for him. Since we started seeing each other, it just adds on another level of emotion.

Instead, it's about me feeling left out of the crisis in the life of the guy I'm seeing and why I'm so bummed about it.

Remember that episode of Saved By The Bell...

...when Jesse became addicted to caffeine pills?

This was way before she started stripping in Vegas in hopes of becoming a famous dancer....

April 12, 2006 7:52pm

There is cause for much rejoycing in Lewisburg tonight!

Good pizza has been found!

After months and months of enduring crapastical pizza, I have found good pizza at the Greenbrier Valley Baking Company!

You don't understand how difficult this has been for me. It is as if a heroin addict moved to amish country.

Ah, but tonight I found a place that makes a perfect crust, a bangin' sauce, and has the perfectly salty gooey cheese mixture down!

That and a diet coke just made life worth living again.

April 12, 2006 2:23pm

Things I will never do again....
or Lessons I Learned the Hard Way

Wear jeans that sit on my waist

Eat Flinstones Vitamins

Drink until I puke

Take a history class

Take a biochemistry class

Leave my headlights on overnight

Mistake a Jalepeno for a green pepper

Ignore what seems to be a very minor health problem

Go rock climbing

Tolerate being ignored

Tolerate being disrespected

Sleep on dirty sheets

Ignore a dirty bathroom

Put Palmolive dish soap in the dishwasher

Think I can change someone

Try to change someone else

Listen to someone on the phone saying, "I can't see you tonight. Don't come over here. I can't see you tonight." while I sit listening on the other side of the door.

Wait more than 3 days before getting something dry cleaned

Buy scented tampons

Let someone hit me

Miss a Colin Firth movie

Eat anything soy

Wear make-up that isn't Clinique

Go back to my natural hair color

Have long hair

Buy expensive sunglasses

....... the list is always growing, but that's the best I can think of for now.

April 10, 2006 7:49pm

Let's talk about food.

Good food and good wine are two of my favorite things in the world. There is nothing sexier to me than preparing a romantic meal for two. Well, except maybe Colin Firth preparing a romantic dinner for me.

Food is art. I love cooking. In fact, it was quite a toss up for me to go to culinary school or pursue medicine. Sometimes when I'm really stressed about school I wonder if I made the right choice. But, I suppose any career choice has its stresses.

My problem with cooking, however, is that I never have the proper space or the proper equipment.

My house has a really nice kitchen that's great for cooking. Unfortunately, I'm 500 miles away from that right now. And there's still the equipment issue. Why is this crap so expensive? I had a pretty good collection of stuff when I was still living in Jersey, but a lot of it was, apparently, "on loan" from DB's FreakMom (just came up with that one!) and it was all taken back when he moved out. Not a huge loss since it was all really cheap stuff, but I realized I didn't have so much as a cookie sheet when I got there. But they can have it, really. I've had the food in that house ::shudder::.

But I digress, I'm on a mission now to stock my kitchen with uber cookware! It's all about the Calphalon, Wusthof and damn if i'm not going to get me a Kitchenaid stand mixer before the summer is out. There is a French Apple Tart with my name on it and I'm going to make it!

Williams-Sonoma is the obvious choice for high-end cookware, but any ideas on where to get better prices? Overstock has the cutlery I'm looking for. They occasionally have a calphalon pan or two up also.



Now, on to the subject of wine. Why do I love it like I do? I think because there's a story behind it. It's not like a bottle of vodka that tastes the same as any other bottle of that brand. Wine is slightly different...almost by the bottle. And there's also some skill involved in pairing it with the right food (or is it vice versa? :-) ).

Man, I need to pick some less expensive hobbies!


So what am I to do with picky eaters? Even as a child, I was always eating things that most "normal" kids wouldn't touch. I like caviar, smoked salmon, veal, you name it and I would eat it as long as it came from the New York Athletic Club or The Rainbow Room.

Because of this, I have a really hard time relating to people who won't try new things, or are just plan grossed out by anything that isn't doused in tomato sauce, ketchup, or gravy.

Sadly, mystery man seems to be one of these people. He also has this weird thing about not being able to eat anything that has a bone in it. As long as it's deboned it's fine. Doesn't he understand it cooks better with a bone in it!

I only learned this today. I'm afraid this is going to create a whole new level of complexity for me when choosing restaurants for us to go to. Not to mention the problems this creates when I want to have him over this summer for one of my grill nights. Mmmmm...rare steak and red wine. ::slurp::

Well, I guess I'll just have to break him of that.

People are weird. I don't like dealing with others' weirdness.

F(Ph)at Ride

Further proof of America's obesity problem......




Poor Ferrari. Nobody taught it proper eating habits.

April 9, 11:50pm

One more thing....

The BBM's post on needing a man inspired me...

Has every woman in the world had the opportunity to be with a man who can really please her? Obviously, the answer is no. So what happens in this case?

I'll tell you what happens! The woman ends up thinking that sex is a chore. There are 1000 more interesting things to do. IT's the least intimate, least romantic, least enjoyable thing.

So why are there some men who really know how to please a woman and some who don't.

Accoring to mystery man, some men are just in it for themselves, and some men just don't bother to try very hard even though they may want to do better.

I'm not sure which situation I've been in over the past 8 years, but neither is very good.

Let's just say that a whole new world has opened up to me because of mystery man. I had absolutely no fucking idea there were men in the world like this. Despite my love of words, I don't think I can even string together a sentence that would do him justice.

Truly.

And just 4 days until I go home.

Yes!

April 9, 2006 11:18pm

Like the new snazzy look of the blog?

So I've been thinking that I want to start taking more pictures. There's something really cool about pictures. I never went through that photography phase as a teenager and took pictures of my feet, hands, or church steeples. Actually, I never really thought about photography until I realized that almost any picture you take suddenly looks "artsy" in black and white.

My digital camera isn't all that fancy, but I can get some good shots with it.

Maybe that will be one of my summer activities.

Oh, did I mention that I might have a job for the summer? Actually, it would be my old job. It was offered to me for double what I was making when I left. The catch is that it's supposed to be full time and I just don't want to give up that much of my summer.

We'll see. I do miss the work. I did disaster planning for a large healthcare system in NJ. We had a fun department. I'm still close to the guys I worked with. I would love to be able to work with them again, but I don't know that I was to make the 60 mile (one way) drive 5 days a week during my last summer off.





Why is there a magazine called Real Simple? It has a TV show too. Why does the concept of living a simple life require an Oprah-sized media format to get out its message?

Sure. It tells you how to organuze your garage using the newest Martha Stewart clear plastic bins. It helps you make "gourmet meals in under 30 minutes". Perfect for those busy moms who wish they could be Bobby Flay if only they had the time. It even will help you decorate your bedroom in bright white linens, walls, throws, and carpeting for under $500. So fresh looking that you think you can smell the Downy on the picture.

But what is "Real Simple" living?

Real simple is not taking out the trash. Real simple is not cleaning anything. Real simple is ordering take-out for every meal and paying extra for the delivery guy to bring it right to on the couch. Hell, just give them their own key to your house. You're not going anywhere, so it's not like anything will get stolen.

Real simple is not changing your sheets....ever. Washing them takes effort. And you just try telling me there's anything simple about folding a fitted sheet!

Real simple my ass!

April 9, 2006 6:21pm

So very tired!

I don't know why, but I can't seem to get enough sleep lately.

I'm going home for Easter in a few days. I have Friday and Monday off. I'll be heading back up home Thursday afternoon. There's something really realxing about the drive home. For one, I'm going home. But it also gives me a chance to be alone, listen to music, and think. I talk to myself a lot in the car. I have conversations with people that I either want to have or know I will be having and this just gives me a chance to play it out before it happens.

Since I won't be home for very long, I'll mostly be catching up on sleep and visiting with family for Easter.

And, of course, there's the mystery man waiting for me!

April 8, 2006 1:31pm

Honesty.

Isn't it the most beautiful, pure thing in the world? And so simple too. Writers have to come up with fiction all the time. That's difficult. That's work.

Honesty is so much easier.

So why is it so flippin' hard for people to be honest?

Let's give an example from my life.....

For years and years, DB lied about stuff. He would lie about stupid things, the way a little kid lies about brushing his teeth or cleaning his room. Then, at the end, he graduated to bigger lies...like who he was talking to, seeing, whatever.

Is it genetic? His mother is one of the biggest manipulators I've ever seen, so it's possible.

Another example....

At one of my summer jobs, there was a guy who started there and kept telling these absurd lies about his job, his accomplishments, his girlfriend. The lies were so absurd that everyone was scratching their head. If you're going to lie, at least make it somewhat believable.


On the flip side of that....

Last night I had a rather long, detailed conversation with my mystery man. I told him lots of things that had been on my mind or bothering me since our week together. I told him everything. He listened. HE participated in the conversation. He understood my concerns.

At the end of it all, I felt so much better. He seemed to be quite happy too since we ended laughing and really enjoying each other's "phone company".

So easy. Why can't it always be like that?

I know sometimes truth hurts. But wouldn't you rather know it and maybe have your feelings a little hurt because someone doesn't like something that you're doing...rather than have them walk out the door and say how much they can't stand you when you never meant to hurt or upset them in the first place?

If they mated....

Signourney Weaver + Marilyn Manson =

April 6, 2006 5:01pm

See? It's 5:01, which means it's an acceptable time for me to crack open a bottle of wine and enjoy a glass on my deck.

If the sun would come out just a little bit more, it would be a perfect evening. This darn cloud over my head is creating an annoying draft.


I got a letter in the mail informing me that my apartment complex has been sold. The new owners, however, will continue to "honor all current lease agreements." But it doesn't say for how long. My suspicions were confirmed today when I saw three guys walking around on my deck examining the siding, roof, and various other structural things. I was hearing words like "condo" and "firewall", which makes me think they want to sell these apartments off, but certain changes will have to be made to meet code.

Argh! I really hope they can hold off on this for another year. I only have to live here until next May and then I'm off on rotations. I would really hate to have to find a new place just for next year and then move again. Moving is probably the most annoying thing to have to do, so I want to do it as few times as possible in my life.

This rain cloud is starting to look very ominous......

April 4, 2006 4:57pm

What are your expectations for your life?

And do your expectations include expectations for other people? Or do you just sort of let everyone else do as they please?

I wish I could do that. I wish I didn't feel the need to set my life up in such a way that I need other people to act according to my plan.

I'm working on that, I really am.

But then again, you have to have some expectations for the people in your life. Otherwise, you'll be selling yourself short. And you could end up with some major moochers along the way (::ahem:: not mentioning anyone who I was ever involved with).

Argh. I want to just make a list of all the crappy things from our relationship. Sort of like the dumbass list he sent me of all the things he took from the house...an incomplete list, of course, as I found out when I got to the house. How he would take money from my bag, the lies, lies and more lies, the certifiably nuts mother who i'm sure is overjoyed to have her "wittew wy wy" back, the inability to, well, ya know (wonder if those last two things were related...). Barf.

I once had absurdly high expectations for myself. Academically, professionally, socially...I was supposed to be able to do it all and be at the top of my game in everything.

Reality is a bitch.

Over the last few years, I set more realistic goals for myself. I also changed my priorities. I'm okay with not being a "name" in my chosen field. I'm happy with knowing I'm doing something I enjoy.

Then there's all the other stuff that was a huge focus for me... marriage, family, home. I wanted that more than anything. Now I can go back to just focusing on school and career. I guess that's a good thing, but it just means changing my priorities for a while.

When I was back at my house last week, I realized that a lot of my plans for the house are different now. Six months ago, I was thinking about kids rooms and how I could make the room over the garage a combo office/playroom. Now it's all for me. Now my plans for the house involve decorating, painting, and making my house my own. No plans for kids rooms or playrooms, though I'm still going with my office idea.

I want a glass of wine and an evening at the beach.

No deal, though. I still have two months of school. Oh, and jujitsu class tonight.

Apparently, 6 hours of jujitsu a week for the past few months have done this body good.

April 3, 2006 9:28pm

Nothing in my life is ever straightforward. Despite all of my planning, pre-planning, and more planning.... there's always a complication.

::sigh::

Of course, I'm being sarcastic. I know nothing ever just goes completely smoothly. At least nothing really important or worthwhile.

So here's the thing....

DB and I have been splitsville for over two months now. In the mean time, my mystery man has surfaced. But the thing is that he's always been there. We've been friends for so long that I don't remember what it was like when he wasn't in my life. Or maybe I just don't want to remember.

Even when we were "just friends", I would sometimes wonder what it would be like if we were more than that. If we lived in a parallel universe and I could see what my life would be like if I wasn't marrying DB and maybe mystery man and I had a chance. And I probably thought about that more than I should have, but looking back now (hindsight really is a bitch) I can see why I escaped to my daydreams so often.

Now, before I've even had a chance to think about it...here we are. Mystery Man and I are a very real possibility.

I know my description of our date was amusing, but I left out the mushy stuff.

I left out how when he touches my hand, my toes curl. When I hear his voice, I instantly settle down and loose that restless feeling I almost always have. Even before this week we spent together, and probably even more these last two months of us getting closer in a "more than friends" way, there was a level of intimacy that I could have with him that I've never had with anyone. I'm not talking about physical intimacy. I mean being able to talk to someone for hours and not run out of things to say. Knowing someone who understands you, what you say, can read your eyes.

Sounds perfect, right?

The key here is all in the timing. Not moving too fast, even though it feels soo incredibly right. Not jumping into something for the wrong reasons. Being absolutely sure that this would have happened regardless of what happened to me in the past few months. Because this is way too special to mess up, if for no other reason than there is an important friendship on the line.

But what do you do when it's just so easy to jump right into the deep end? Why is so easy to do that? Is it because I'm just looking for someone to distract me from my hurt? Or is it easy because we've known each other for so long and thought about this for so many years that it just feels natural?

Being 500 miles away doesn't make this any easier. You'd think that it would. But it really doesn't. All it does it make me wonder what's going to happen next. And the anticipation makes it all worse...or maybe better, depending on how you look at it.

Back to studying...


Steady As We Go
-Dave Matthews Band

I'll walk halfway around the world
Just to sit down by your side
And I would do most anything, girl
To be the apple of your eye
Well troubles, they may come and go
But good times, they're the gold
And if the road gets rocky, girl
Just steady as we go

Any place you wanna go
Know I'll be next to you
If it's treasure, baby, you're looking for
I'll search the whole world through
I know troubles, they may come and go
But good times, they're the gold
So if the road gets rocky, girl
Just steady as we go

When the storm comes down you shelter me
When I don't say a word and you know exactly what i mean
In the darkest times, oh, you shine on me
You set me free and keep me steady as we go

So if your heart wrings dry, my love
I will fill your cup
And if your load gets heavy, girl
I will lift you up
Well troubles, they may come and go
But good times be the gold
So if the road gets rocky, girl
Just steady as we go

April 1, 2006 2:31pm

I know....it's been days since I've updated.

The long and short of the week is that I have had a fabulous time at home. Getting to see all of friends has been great. Went out with my mystery man a few times too.

Yeah, I know. That's what you've all been waiting to hear about.

Imagine if Colin firth himself had asked me out and it was everything I every imagined it would be. That's what this week has been like.

Monday night became our night. I was perfectly calm the entire weekend thinking about it. I even squeezed in my mani/pedi and eyebrow wax Monday morning. Picked out the perfect outfit after some consultation with Ellen on the phone. Picked out a place for us to go.

5 minutes before he gets there, I start to panic. I mean, completely panic. Ya know that feeling you get in your stomach when you get really anxious about something? It's half "I'm gonna throw up" and half "I need a change of pants." Well, that's about where I was. Let's recall that the last time I went on a first date I was 17. The fact that I've been talking to my mystery man for months now and that I have known him as a friend for 4 years didn't make this any less stressful. In fact, it probably made it worse because I kept thinking that there was a greater possibility that I could disappoint him.

I decided to wear a pink boat neck weater, jeans, and these awesome strappy3 inch heeled sandals.

I had a plan (of course) for what I was going to say when he got there. Here's how it was supposed to go...
Me: Heyyyyyyy! :::hug:::
Mystery Man: Hi! Oh, it's so good to see you!
Me: It's great to see you too. Come on inside. I'll show you the place.

We were then supposed to proceed into the house where I was going to give him a brief description of what changes were made in each room and include any funny anecdotes about color matching and crown molding.

Then we would go to the reataurant. To make small talk, I would tell him about my drive up a few days earlier.

Here's what actually happened.....
O.k. he's here. Don't throw up. Does my breath smell? I have to go downstairs. Oh sweet Jesus, I can't walk in these heels! I could walk in them a minute ago. Now I look like a 6 year old in her mother's closet.

I open the door for him. I'm about to go into my script (as stated above) when he completely throws me off by speaking first.

Mystery Man: (looking somewhat dazed) You look amaaaaazing. Wow!

Uh....uh.....
Me: Th-th-thanks. He-e-e-y. It's um, great to....
Holy shit he has me in a vice grip. I'm never going to get out of this. My head is going to pop off. This isn't the friendly hug I was supposed to be in. I have to tell him about the house. I'm going to throw up.

Me: Um. So, come inside. I'll show you the place.

We walk inside to my living room.
Is this even my house? I don't have any idea what to say. It's a flippin' room. Who was I kidding thinking I'm some kind of Bob Vila?

Me: So. Yeah. This is the, um, living room.
::silence::
::crickets::
It's green.
And, this is the dining room. It was painted. It used to be a different color, but it was painted so now it's this color. But it was something different when we moved in. Kind of the same color, but not really. I like this one better.

What the hell is wrong with you? You are intelligent and articulate and have the ability to use multisyllabic words like multisyllabic. Use them for Chrissakes!


Luckily, I regained some composure and was able to get through the rest of the house without sounding like too much of an idiot.

Dinner. We should go to dinner. Then I can eat and not talk so much.

Me: So, you ready to go? Let's take my truck.
Mystery Man: Yeah. Sure.

I grab my bag and my keys. I'm heading for the door and....

Oh my God what is he doing? He's kissing me. Holy shit! This was not in my plan. Not in my plan at all!

Forward? Just a bit. But it made the rest of the night so much more wonderful. No more tension. No more nervousness. I was just me.



I saw him twice more this week. He is very, very, very taken with me. Aww shucks!
He really is wonderful, but it's all a bit scary. This isn't supposed to happen this fast. The fact that I have known him for so long and we always had some feeling for each other is making this move along a bit faster than it would if we just met. But it feels right. I'm happy.


I'm going back to school tomorrow. Bah!