Slippery Chopsticks: The Un-Blog

May 6, 2009 7:07pm

2009-05-06T18:07:00.002-05:00

Almost home.

Almost home for good.

Home.

I thought I was home for good a year ago when I left Buckhannon, WV and came back to NJ.

Unfortunately, I had to come back to WV for 8 more weeks.

Just 9 more days to go.

Roger and Socrates seem to be doing well at home. Socs has begun escaping from the kitchen. I should give some back story on this:

Go back a year ago to when we first got the Socs Man. He was an adorable 6 month old puppy living in a foster home with his two doggie sisters, doggie mama, a few other foster dogs, and the humans. He was very well kept and very well loved. He slept in a cage and was very comfortable with his cage. In fact, after getting bored with Roger and I he went back into his cage to take a nap while we were there.
The only thing going on there that was a problem was that he was allowed on the furniture- specifically the couch. I happen to think a dog can live a very happy and full life never being on my couch, but that's just me.

So Socrates gets to his new home with us. We have no problems crating him. His crate is always clean in the morning, and he sleeps through the night happily.

Fast forward a few months. Socrates starts crying at night. All night. All friggin night long. I also start coming home to Socrates greeting me at the door. Houdini has managed to escape from the cage. What he did was work the bottom lock with his nose and tongue, and then push the metal door open enough to slide out.

We thought we could trick him by turning the cage around and putting it against the wall. Trapped!

Not so much. It took him less than one day to figure out that if he ran inside the cage against the side of it, he could push the cage away from the wall using the momentum he built up (I don't think he actually knew the physics of this, but there was clearly a plan of some sort).

Then we decided to double latch the cage using the type of clips that are on leashes.

Perfect! He can't get out.

Only one problem. Now, I didn't actually see it all happen, but I saw the aftermath. He must have been having some sort of panic attack. I came home one day to find a cage pan filled with thick drool and a wall and floor streaked with blood. He still managed to escape and greet me at the door, but he scratched up his face in the process of bending the metal door open. He got the cage away from the wall, and the blood streaks were on the wall and on the floor, as well as drops through the house.

Okay. This is a problem. The poor thing was absolutely going ballistic. I had no idea why. So, Roger and I had to make some decisions.

The interesting thing is that despite the Soc Man's total meltdown while in the cage, he seemed to do nothing once he got out. Well, I won't say "nothing". What it seems he began doing is going into the front room of the house and sleeping on the couch. Nothing chewed. Nothing eaten. No walls torn down. Just sleeping on the couch.

A call to the dog trainer shed some light on the nighttime problem. She suggested just putting the cage in our bedroom and letting him sleep there.

This suggestion was amazing. We put it in our room, along with a fluffy bath mat on the floor of it (so we wouldn't hear his nails on the pan during the night). Every night since then we take him upstairs and he goes into his "room" almost without even being told. He sleeps in it all night and we don't hear so much as a whimper out of him. Amazing how something he was so anxious about could be his comfortable sleeping place as soon as we changed the environment.

But the daytime part was still a problem. We bought a pet gate and barricaded him into the kitchen. This seemed to work well. The gate was hardly even bolted up and he happly stayed in the kitchen while we were out. He had his blanket, his food, his water, and life was good.

Until 3 months ago. Now, he is escaping again. Not only is he escaping, but he is managing to escape when there are multiple obstacles (chairs) holding the gate up. He pushes it enough and out he goes. He always greets us at the door. The dog walker is trying his best to come up with new ideas to keep the dog in the kitchen, but nothing is working.

However, he still just sleeps on the couch. The same couch. Oddly enough, it is a couch that looks exactly like the couch he was on at his foster home. I don't know if there is any connection.

So now we have to decide what to do. We are protecting our couch with a blanket so that the hair and drool is not on our couch. He doesn't *do* anything else, though. He doesn't destroy anything. He doesn't make a mess anywhere.

I don't know why he keeps escaping. And my fear is that he's going to try to find a way to escape from the house next. My sister's dog chewed through a wall once in an attempt to get out. I don't want to come home to find a hole in the wall. Roger will find Socrates much less cute if our couch has no stuffing when he gets home.

We don't know what to do. It doesn't matter if we're gone for 10 minutes or 8 hours, Socrates still does this. We have a dog walker who comes twice each day, and Socrates always greets him at the door.

Poor Socs Man. I think he's lonely, but he's used to our schedule now. Getting another dog would require some breaking in time that we just don't have right now. My schedule is about to get wild when I start residency, and Roger's work/travel schedule doesn't allow for him to have a 9-5.

I think we're going to have to just accept that he has run of the house. That's fine if the worst he does is get on the couch, but I don't know what's next.

April 2, 2009 6:58pm

2009-04-02T17:58:00.002-05:00

I always learn so much when I come to WV.

Here are some things I have learned while here....

1) If you don't take your socks off for 3 months, your socks will actually fuse to your feet and your skin will start to grow around the socks. You will also have such a horrific infection that you'll end up in the hospital.

2) Why get fitted for dentures when you can just buy a perfectly good pair at a flea market? Sure, you might look like a mule, but you can chew...kinda.

3) A conversation I was actually a part of:
Patient: Doctor, are you in good health? Because I don't want to have to find a new doctor.
Doctor to me (ignoring crazy lady):Please go get me some Ethyl Chloride.
Patient (freaking out): No! don't go get her! I know her from my church and she's nasty. I hate her. She'll tell everybody my business!

4) Paint thinner can be used to clean out wounds.

That's all for now, but it has been less than 2 weeks.

March 30, 2009 7:59pm

2009-03-30T18:58:00.002-05:00

Despite my best efforts to finish up my rotations at home, I had to go back to WV for my Family Medicine rotation. I'm here for 8 weeks (one week down).

Since I gave up my apartment down here long ago, I am calling the Hampton Inn home for the moment. It isn't so bad, actually. Breakfast and hot coffee is made when I wake up. My room is cleaned every day, and I don't even have to make my own bed.

The down side is that I'm living in one room and I don't have a kitchen. Those of you who know me, know that I live to cook (yes, I meant to say "live" and not "love"). I have a tiny fridge and a microwave here. This allows me to make a sandwich, or heat up a frozen burrito, but it is nowhere near the kind of culinary adventuring that I am accustomed to.

I miss Roger and Socrates terribly. I miss my home.

This rotation isn't so bad. The hours are good, and the Dr I'm with is very nice and laid back. I'm seeing some interesting patients, and I learn a new little tid bit of information every day.

But that doesn't make up for being homesick.

On the bright side, I have some time to catch up on reading (both medical and non-medical) and watch endless hours of QVC and Food Network.

On that note, I think that through Food Network, my cookbooks and hours and hours of online research I have managed to give myself a rather extensive culinary education without ever actually setting foot in culinary school.

Ever start to wonder what it is that you really want to do with your life?

Did I make the right choice by going to medical school? These days, all I want to do is create things in the kitchen. I want to have a store where I sell these amazing creations, as well as beautiful jams, jellies, oils, salts and anything else I can get my hands on that tastes good.

Sigh.

March 4, 2009 1:29pm

2009-03-04T13:28:00.002-05:00

So there really isn't even any point in updating on the holidays and everything since my last post.

Christmas= good
New Year's= good

That's about all there is to say about that.

Let's move up to present time.

Roger, my mom and I just got back from the CPAC conference in D.C. last week. It was covered on the news, but I have to say that the most atrocious coverage was on MSNBC. I don't expect them to give it a glowing report, but what they were doing was not only poor journalism, but offensive to those who attended.

Yep, they were basically making fun of the people who attended. Keith Olberman made it a point to include it in his Countdown, all the while noting how silly and insignificant it is (gotta love irony). If it is so absurd, and so silly, and so futile for the conservative movement to meet and discuss their failures and new directions, then why the hell is it worthy of a spot on his show?

I can't even say they took clips of the speeches out of context. To say that would be saying that they actually knew the context and selectively chose which parts to show. This was not the case. They weren't even actually there at the conference to cover it. They used video from c-span and news agencies who actually were present. They would show a clip of a speech and then give their commentary about it....when the entire theme/topic of the speech was exactly opposite what they were discussing.

I was absolutely livid watching that garbage from Keith and the likes of him on MSNBC who are so "open minded" unless you disagree with them, and then you're a moron.

That being said, I thoroughly enjoyed the conference. The speakers really inspired me to get more involved as I'm seeing our country fall apart into some pseudo-European nation.

This week, I am on vacation and relaxing at home. I'm sick (again), so I'm not getting much done besides watching Food Network and QVC.

As a result of my repeated illnesses, I will be having a tonsillectomy this June. Really....not....looking....forward....to that.

What I am looking forward to, however, is our trip to Europe! We're going to Brussels and France in June, just after my graduation.

Being that I am a bit tired, I will continue this another time.

December 16, 2008 6:57pm

2008-12-16T18:57:00.002-05:00

Since Beej decided to Punk Santa by IM, I thought I'd try it too....

Eore000 (3:50:01 PM): hey
SantaClaus (3:50:02 PM):
Hello again.

Eore000 (3:50:10 PM): i'm tired tonight
SantaClaus (3:50:10 PM): O.K. don't forget to help others get in the holiday spirit! Merry Christmas. CU!

Eore000 (3:50:19 PM): hey wait a minute!
SantaClaus (3:50:20 PM): Hey. Are you getting in the Christmas sprit?

Eore000 (3:50:31 PM): yes. i put up my tree, and lights outside
SantaClaus (3:50:32 PM): Excellent! You are certainly getting on my Good List.

Now type menu to see the fun and games the elves have put together for you.

Eore000 (3:50:43 PM): why didn't you put together stuff for me?
SantaClaus (3:50:43 PM):
Well I'm sure I don't know but I can ask one of the elves to find out.

Eore000 (3:50:55 PM): you sure do have those elves doing a lot for you, don't you?
SantaClaus (3:50:56 PM): What do you think?

Eore000 (3:51:05 PM): is that supposed to be sarcastic?
SantaClaus (3:51:05 PM): Why did you say that?

Eore000 (3:51:14 PM): well, you just seem to have a bit of a 'tude.
SantaClaus (3:51:15 PM): Excuse me?

Eore000 (3:51:21 PM): See? Like that!
SantaClaus (3:51:21 PM): Hmm. Why don't you type, games, maybe that will put you in the Christmas spirit

Eore000 (3:51:32 PM): Oh, now you're just being patronizing!
SantaClaus (3:51:33 PM): Interesting. Type menu.

Eore000 (3:51:38 PM): menu
SantaClaus (3:51:39 PM): I'm here to help. I can tell you where to find almost any gift or just type a number:

x
1 . Xmas Gift Finder
2 .. Wish List -- <>
3 ... YOUR Shopping List
4 .... Play Xmas Games!
5 ..... Xmas Polls and Voting
6 ...... 3 Million Santa Helpers on AIM
7 ....... Let the Elves find UR holiday gifts

Search for: Digital Cams | iPods | Laptops | Xbox

Eore000 (3:52:00 PM): Well, are you actually going to help me, or just have one of the elves do it?
SantaClaus (3:52:00 PM):
It depends if Christmas is coming or not.

Eore000 (3:52:14 PM): Any reason it wouldn't be coming?
SantaClaus (3:52:14 PM): Take a moment, collect your thoughts, and try asking me another way. O.K. ?

Eore000 (3:52:21 PM): ok
SantaClaus (3:52:21 PM): Kewl.

Eore000 (3:52:30 PM): are you a sk8er?
SantaClaus (3:52:30 PM): Maybe.

Eore000 (3:52:51 PM): Whatever. I'm just wondering if there is some reason that Christmas might not come this year.
SantaClaus (3:52:52 PM): I've got a billion children to keep track of -- so could you ask me something a bit more manageable? I'd very much appreciate it.

Eore000 (3:53:13 PM): Dude! Christmas is your big day! Is Christmas coming or not?
SantaClaus (3:53:14 PM): Yeah, everyone keeps asking me about this one.
I didn't find any results. Try searching again or type menu for the Main Menu.
Eore000 (3:53:42 PM): Of course, "Christmas is Coming" might also be the title of a porn movie.
SantaClaus (3:53:42 PM): You've got a one track mind.

Eore000 (3:53:53 PM): Hey, you're the one all hung up on the elves.
SantaClaus (3:53:53 PM):
Hello again little one! (When you are over 1600 years old, you only see children every where you look. )
Eore000 (3:54:41 PM): Yeah, I hear Michael Jackson has the same problem.

November 19, 2008 5:35pm

2008-11-19T17:35:00.002-05:00

Okay- final post to describe the wedding:

So we head down to The Crystal Point. It was perfect. We went down to where the reception would be held, and I slipped into the "bridal room" that is off to the side. There, Amy and our maitre'd, Joann, bustled my dress. Roger and I then walked around the room and just took it all in.

The CP did the cutest thing. They had charger plates at our Sweetheart table that has our names painted on them in gold paint. Not just on there for the night, but on there printed forever for us to keep! We now have plates that say "Roger and Elizabeth Hislastname" "October 17, 2008". How cute!

We got there in time to enjoy our entire cocktail hour, so we slipped into the room and immediately parted ways to "divide and conquer" the room and greeting responsibilities. I immediately went to those friends of mine who I wanted to spend the most personal one-on-one time with (as much as one can during a wedding). Interestingly, this meant going to friends who are not my closest. My nearest and dearest were either in my bridal party, at the rehearsal dinner the night before, or I see them on a regular basis anyway. It seemed silly to sit and talk to those people who I see all the time, so I visited with those who I haven't seen in a year, or who came all the way from W.V. to join us for the wedding.

Next on the list were work/hospital related friends, former teachers/mentors and the like. After that, I caught up with Roger again and scarfed down a plate of yummies put together by one of his friends for me.

The yummies that I actually got to see/remember:
Corned beef carving station (very big hit)
Vegetable crepes
Veggie crudite passed in its own little shot glass of dip (a few veggie sticks held in a shot glass with a dollop of dip)
Cheese display
Pigs in a blanket
Coconut shrimp
Brie in phylo
some kind of meat on a stick (why is it that you can put a piece of meat on a stick and suddenly it's gourmet by calling it "satay"? I'm going to serve corn dogs at my next gathering and call it "pork product Satay")
I think there were some hot chafing dishes of calamari and eggplant rolletini
And then about 8 other passed foods

There was an ice sculpture that looked like a lighthouse.

We had a jazz guitarist there for cocktail hour entertainment.

It was the fastest hour of my life. I didn't even get to try all the yummy things or talk to everyone I wanted to talk to before someone was telling me that they were going to be calling the guests into the next room in 5 minutes!

Off we went with our guests to the next room. We didn't ask our bridal party or parents to come parading out to be announced. Our families know each other. Our friends know each other. People who don't know our friends really don't care who the maid of honor is and what her name is. Our bridal party got to just relax and be guests. They were no longer on display. They could loosen their britches and relax.

We were announced as "Roger and Elizabeth" since Im not changing my name. We walked out and our song "For Once In My Life" by Michael Buble began. We were taking dancing lessons, so we had a perfectly choreographed dance.

We really didn't want to be introduced to something loud and booming like "Eye of the Tiger". At that point, we were married for about 2 hours. What obstacles could we possibly have had to overcome to warrant a theme song of Eye of the Tiger? Or even better "Let's Get Ready to Rumbleeeeeee"- bad, bad omen.

Oh oh oh! I forgot! When we were in our little waiting room before we were announced, we decided to try a few dance steps for practice.

Slow...Slow....Quick Quick....shit! I'm stepping on my dress! We hadn't realized that even with my dress bustled, it still doesn't come completely off the ground and when I have to dance (backwards steps) I step on it. It wouldn't have been more than one or two moves before I'd be putting the back of the dress off of me!

Then I remembered the little loop thing that helps to carry it around. Perfect! I put that on my wrist and we were able to dance.

Everyone hooted and hollered at the end of our dance when Roger did a very dramatic dip and kiss.

Then Roger danced with his mom, followed by the BM and MOH speeches.

Then came the food. We told our (wonderful) DJ to please play music that people can dance to during dinner. It's boring to just sit and wait for food. She did, and it was great! Lots of people were up between courses!

First Course: Assorted sliced melon with berries
Salad: Mixed greens with balsamic vinegarette
Intermezzo: lemon sorbet (most refreshing after dancing)
Main Course: Choice of Chicken stuffed with prosciutto, mozzarella cheese and spinach or Chateaubriant. Both served with veggies and Dutchess potatoes. Second helpings were offered, and you could try whatever you didn't order the first time around.

Roger and I were adamant that we would eat. We made sure we sat down between dancing and visiting tables to get our food. Honestly, though, we just weren't hungry. Maybe it was the excitement. Maybe it was jitters. Even the open bar didn't strike our fancy and all we wanted was to drink wanted and seltzer to rehydrate from all the dancing and talking!

We decided to skip the traditional wedding cake. We had platters of italian pastries brought to the tables, and then an ice cream sundae bar was set up. Waiters came by with a cart to offer espresso and/or port.

The maitre'd made up a GIANT sundae for us. It had every topping available there, and came in a huge stemmed glass (think one of those funky margarita glasses). Instead of cutting a cake, they wheeled our sundae out onto the dance floor on a cart and we fed each other from there. I think the photographer got some good pictures of us feeding each other cherries.

The ice cream sundae bar was a big big big hit with our guests!

We hardly sat! We were up dancing all night. The music was fantastic. The DJ did a wonderful job of bridging the generation gap, and making the music enjoyable for all.

It was all over by 11:30. I was tired of being in my dress. My shoes weren't comfortable anymore. My earrings were heavy. I wanted to take a shower and feel like myself again.

We loaded up Roger's car with our gifts and all of the decor that didn't belong to the catering hall, or that wasn't disposable. The maitre'd packed us up two nice dinners to reheat when we got home. She also packed up about 5 boxes of dessert pastries.

We went home. Roger helped me get out of my dress and I ran to the shower.

I think everyone has an image of their wedding night. Romance, sex, candles.

Ours was a little different.

There was lots of exhaustion, but just from the events of the day. Relief to get all the sweat from dancing off of us. Hunger from not eating much earlier.

After getting into comfy pajamas, we heated up our dinners and then opened up our gifts/envelopes.

Then fell sound asleep.

The end!

Well, actually.....

The beginning!

November 12, 2008 8:53pm

2008-11-12T20:53:00.001-05:00

Kind of busy, so no time to continue the wedding recap, but a picture is worth a thousand words....

These aren't the pro pics. Those aren't back yet. These were taken by Roger's brother so there's a lot missing (like the ceremony).

Click here!

November 5, 2008 7:01pm

2008-11-05T19:01:00.002-05:00

Since Roger is stuck in traffic, and dinner is waiting on the stove, I think I'll put in a few more details of the wedding.

Let's see...we left off at my snot drop and leaving the church.

Oh yes...

So, we're standing outside the church, intending to enjoy just a few moments together as "husband and wife". We opted not to do a receiving line, but as guests began to leave the church they all came to us and began forming a line.

At least I was able to spare my bridal party from having to meet and greet people they don't know/don't care about. Just Roger and I were subjected to multiple hugs and kisses outside of the church, in the shade, in 50 degree weather with wind.

Oh yes, the weather. Sunny, not a cloud in the sky, leaves changing color, mid 50's, slight breeze. If you were wearing a dashing tuxedo or a 30lb wedding gown, it was the perfect weather. If you were a photographer, it was "picture perfect" (or so SnapCutie said). If you were a bridesmaid wearing a sleeveless cocktail length black dress, you were freezing.

You'll see pictures soon enough, but my girls all wore black cocktail length dresses of their choosing. They looked beautiful, and were very good sports about standing out in the wind and cold for pictures.

After lots of pictures in front of the church, we headed over to the lake for some family and group photos. Bridal party, parents, and my sisters with their families all came. SnapCutie seemed to know how to organize all of it. What kind of pissed me off is that some people were taking pictures beside or behind the photographer as he was taking pictures. The problem here is that I'm afraid we will have many pictures with everyone looking in different directions. I mean really people! We're paying $3500 to the photographer to do his job. Do you seriously think you're going to improve on his pictures with your Kodak point and shoot? Is it really necessary to be RIGHT THERE all the time?! Do you think I want to have the posed pictures of my wedding have every person in the picture looking at a different camera because while they know they should be looking at the photographer, they also want to smile for the picture their dad, brother, son, cousin, etc etc is taking!!!!

Ok, rant over.

Pictures at the lake, followed by pictures at the (very windy) beach. We only took one group shot with the bridal party (no family for this one), and then SnapCutie took some personal shots of Roger and I (of course with another snap happy family member in toe being just a bit more intrusive than i really wanted).

While walking off the beach and back into the limo (SnapCutie got some candid shots of Roger putting my shoes back on for me after dusting the sand off my feet), I ran into a girl I went to school with from 1st grade-12th grade, but I haven't seen since the day we graduated high school. There she was, walking on the boardwalk with her husband!

Off we went to The Crystal Point!

And that's all the details I can type for now. I promise more, I promise!

November 3, 2008 6:45pm

2008-11-03T18:37:00.004-05:00

Oh I so wish I had pictures to share.

Unfortunately, the photographer won't have our pics for a few more weeks, and all of our snap happy friends and family members haven't uploaded any pictures to Snapfish or Picasa or anywhere else that I can download from.

I promise, as soon as I have some I will put them up.

The wedding was

Absolutely

Dream-like.

It couldn't have gone any more perfect.

My day began at 8:30am. I awoke to my alarm clock, let the dog out, made some coffee, and took a wonderfully long shower.

Then, I paid bills.

Yes, I paid bills on my wedding day. Not wedding-related bills like the catering hall or DJ, but the electric bill, gas bill, cable bill, etc. There was something very calming about doing something so ordinary as paying bills.

Amy, Ellen and Macon all arrived around 10am. Cathy(my sister) rolled in with my niece shortly after. We drank coffee, relaxed, waited for the photographer (we'll call him SnapCutie).

SnapCutie arrived, and we headed off to the salon for some pampering around 11:30. The salon was kind enough to have some bagels and mimosas for us. SnapCutie took many pictures of us getting primped, which I think will make for some great shots (especially of Tessa, my niece, getting her first "Spa hair" day).

After that, it was back home for some lunch (provided by Amy's mom) and time to get dressed. Socrates provided the entertainment by getting into SnapCutie's cameras and walking all over my dress! Luckily, he had a bath the day before so there weren't any paw prints, just panicked faces.

I got into my absolutely beautiful dress. Beautiful. Breathtaking. Stare-At-Me-Cause-I'm-The -Bride-In-A-Gorgeous-Dress kind of beautiful. Oh yes, there will be many pictures to come.

Once in the dress, we realized that we were already running behind schedule. The limo was due to arrive soon, and I had lipstick that made me look like a clown. Sister Blair, my Mary Kay toting bundle of sisterly love came over to fix her baby sister's messy face. All was well! Mom came over for some pictures, and then she went off to collect the old people who can't drive themselves.Those of you who often read my blog are well aware that I have a lot of elderly people in my family and those in the middle aged crowd spend much of their time accommodating the old, cranky people. I have made it clear that I will not be nearly so accommodating in my middle aged-ness.

The limo arrived and we all piled in (after getting some practical advice from the driver about how to maneuver in my dress). We were almost at the church when we realized that we forgot the flower girl basket! Turn around. Run back inside to get it. Head back to the church.

Since we arrived just in time...and yes, I mean exactly on time...there was no time for enjoying the moment and having butterflies.

I *literally* (yes, Peg, I used it) walked in the front doors of the church and lined up to head down the aisle.

The ceremony seemed to fly by in a blur. I remember standing. I remember sitting. I remember Clayton, my nephew-in-ring bearer coming up to have the rings blessed. I also remember my nose running. I wasn't crying. Not even one tear, actually. My nose just kept running! I needed a tissue!

Roger and I were holding hands as we were about to exchange rings. I looked down at our hands. I wanted to savor that moment.

And then...

splash

Mucus

Right out of my nose

plopped right into our hands.

Just one single drop of my snotty nose fell on our newly blessed rings.

I looked up at Roger with panic, who immediately got the giggles.

Not just regular "hee hee" giggles. No, he got "My face is going to turn red as I try to hold in the extreme laughter" giggles.

With a friggin video camera running!

Luckily, it looks like I had one single tear fall down.

The pictures might be very dramatic.

A single tear falls into their open hands.

It's actually snot from my nose. One, single drop of watery snot.

Then came vows, prayers, kiss, another kiss, clapping and leaving the church to go take pictures.

And you'll just have to wait for the rest of the story for another night!

Really, do you even need any more after the snot drop?

October 16, 2008 1:01am

2008-10-16T00:01:00.002-05:00

As of 3:00pm yesterday afternoon, I officially ended my role as the wedding planner and became the bride.

All of my errands were done. Everything was brought down to the Crystal Point that was needed for decorating. My dress is hanging in my closet.

Every detail seems to be taken care of.

Which means I don't have anything to do besides show up.

October 15, 2008 12:02am

2008-10-14T23:02:00.002-05:00

According to the countdown timer on my iGoogle page, I have 2 days until the wedding.

Two days until Roger and I are married.

Two days until my life with him begins.

Over the past few weeks, I have been busy making last minute preparations and looking forward to the wedding.

Yet, I keep thinking about how it seems almost selfish to be so happy when Ryan just passed away a few short weeks ago.

On the other hand, it makes me think about how much I should appreciate every day with Roger. No, he doesn't have some terrible illness that could take his life in a short amount of time, but we never really know if we will even see tomorrow.

Two days.

Two days.

If you had asked me 3 years ago where I would be today, it would not have been here.

Oh but I am so very glad that I am here.

Two days.

October 1, 2008 9:00am

2008-10-01T07:55:00.002-05:00

In previous entries, I have written about my friend Ryan (aka Local Rapscallion).

On Friday, September 26, 2008 Ryan lost his long battle with Hodgkins Lymphoma. It was just about a week past his 34th birthday, which I was lucky enough to be able to celebrate with him, his family and other friends.

To go on and on about what a wonderful person he was seems trite at this point after so many others have more eloquently described his life. So, I will just leave this entry with the obituary that his father wrote:

Sept. 26, 2008 - Ryan Stuart McCormick, age 34, peacefully slipped the surly bonds of this earth and went to be with God. He was surrounded by his immediate family, just as he had wished. Our hearts are very heavy for our loss. We know that he is now without pain, without physical limitations, and in the presence of our Lord. We are happy that in the last 2 weeks, Ryan was visited by so many friends/family and that he and they had the opportunity to be together.

In this space, I want to acknowledge what he did in his short life.

Ryan was born September 14, 1974 in Syracuse, NY. He graduated from Freedom High School, Bethlehem, PA. He was an Eagle Scout at 14 with his service project being a POW/MIA Day for his school. He served in the Civil Air Patrol in Whitehall, PA. He worked as a first responder then EMT while in high school serving with the Bethlehem Township Volunteer Squad (Assistant Captain). Ryan graduated from Springfield College in 1997 with a degree in Emergency Services Management. At his time in college, he founded the Springfield College Emergency Response Team to provide services to the campus. It still exists today.

Upon graduation, Ryan worked many paramedic jobs including Nazareth, PA, East Stroudsburg, PA, Mountainside Hospital, NJ, University Hospital, Newark, NJ., St. Joseph's Hospital, NJ. It was when he was a paramedic in Newark that he was a first responder on 9/11/01 to the World Trade Center and Ground Zero. We attribute his Hodgkin's cancer, which appeared in 2002, to his service at that time.

Ryan served over 8 years from 1998-2007 in the Army Reserve as a Weapons of Mass Destruction/Chemical Warfare Specialist.

After 9/11, Ryan served as Assistant Director of the Center for BioDefense at University Hospital in Newark where he met his wife, Jessica. He moved to Verona, NJ and then served as Captain in the Verona Volunteer Ambulance squad. Ryan and Jessica were married on May 21, 2005 at the First Presbyterian Church, Bethlehem, PA.

He was then hired at St. Barnabas Healthcare System and became the Director of Emergency Management. He continued to pursue his Master's Degree at Kean University and then Penn State University.

During his illness, Ryan and his wife founded the non-profits NJ Heroes and TurtlePods (giving iPods to cancer patients)

Ryan is survived by his devoted and loving wife, Jessica Marie; by his parents, David Gary and Nancy McCormick, Surfside Beach, SC; his sister, Jessica Lynne, of Bethlehem, PA; his paternal grandparents, Mr. and Mrs. A.W. Stuart; his maternal grandmother, Mrs. Pat Layman, Salem, NJ; many loving aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. All will miss him dearly.

The viewing will be held at the Prout Funeral Home, 370 Bloomfield Ave, Verona, NJ on Monday, September 29th with times from 2-4 PM and 7-9 PM. Funeral services will be Tuesday, September 30th at the First Presbyterian Church, Verona, NJ. at 10 AM. In lieu of flowers, it is Ryan's request that money be donated to NJ Heroes, 40 Wedgewood Drive, #115, Verona, NJ 07044 or to the Verona Rescue Squad, 12 Church St, Verona, NJ 07044

The family would like to thank all of you who made this journey with us in prayer. God heard all of you and gave us 6 years with him after diagnosis. We don't know the "why" of this but we have faith in the Lord that this was what was needed. I know that Ryan and his story have impacted so many lives all over the world. He did not lose his battle; he won a seat with God forever.

We would like to thank the Saint Barnabas Healthcare System and the administration of their corporate offices for their loving care of Ryan throughout the years.

In Service to God and Country,

The McCormick's

I miss you, friend.

July 17, 2008 11:18am

2008-07-17T10:13:00.002-05:00

This one is for you, Peg......

Why Italian Restaurants Failed in Dubai

July 14, 2008 7:35pm

2008-07-14T18:30:00.004-05:00

Yup, it's a 2 post kind of day.

I wanted to write a little about the wedding planning. All of this studying stuff, plus some other problems I'm having with rotation scheduling and my most unhelpful school is getting me all wrapped around the axle and unable to enjoy the wedding stuff.

So here's what I've got so far.

I think I already mentioned that the reception will be at the Crystal Point Yacht Club in Point Pleasant. They're handling all the food, drinks, linens, etc.

Roger and I completed our pre-canna (had potential to be good, but was rather useless) and have had a few meetings with our priest. I know we're scheduled for at least one more before the wedding.

The dress is ordered, but not in yet. I know I included a link in an earlier post for those interested. The girls have their dresses. I told them to find a black cocktail length dress of their choosing. My shoes are in and I have something for my hair (which I have been working on growing out a bit).

I have the DJ and photographer booked, and the florist is scheduled also.

I decided I wanted to do centerpieces in conch shells, but I have to order the shells myself. Mom is faxing the order down to the shell place for me tomorrow, but this is the general idea of what I'm going for (different flowers, of course)....

I can't really put up a picture of the bouquets, because I sort of made them up with the florist as I sat there. "Sure, that looks nice. Add that too."

The flower girl basket (to be filled with an arrangement, not petals since we're not allowed to throw petals) and the ring bearer pillow came from ebay.

Roger is going to buy himself a tux, but he hasn't gotten to that yet. We decided that since he's 30 and we're not going to a high school prom, he's going to go with a cumberbun rather than a vest. Have you ever seen James Bond or Cary Grant in a vest tuxedo? No. I didn't think so.

We picked out the invitations. We're going with pocketfold style invites. It appeals to my compulsive sense of organization. I know we should have them ordered by now, but I can't do that with the board exam so I am going to do it directly after the exam is over. We just need to provide all the address of our guests and the store takes care of the envelope addressing for us.

Somewhere in this process I moved from being uber frugal to being willing to pay extra for convenience.

Mostly, this has been enjoyable. There are a few things that worry me, though.

First, my mother. She has been wonderful during all of this. However, I had a vision (always where I get into trouble) of her being here with me during the getting ready process. Hanging out with "the girls". Having pictures done with the photographer. Then we all go to the ceremony. Not quite. Mom has to pick up the old people in our family who can't drive themselves. God forbid someone else in the family (like aunts and uncles) be the designated taxi cab for the day to free her up. No, she has to do it. I guess this isn't so much of a problem. I mean, she can stay here for a while and then go on her route.

Next, my vision included my mom coming with us for pictures after the ceremony. Now this is where it gets tricky because the old people she has in her car aren't going to be in the formal pictures. So what does she do? Come to where we're doing pictures and leave the old people in the car? I haven't discussed this with her yet, but I know she has absolutely no idea that she should be coming with us for pictures. I know she plans to go directly from the church to the reception place and get the old people inside. Again, why the fuck can't someone else do this?

I also have a vision that my mom gets to sit with her friends at the wedding instead of the rest of my family. This is because I know very well that if she sits with the family she will not move her ass all night and instead sit there and help them decide between beef or chicken. She will sit with people who she sees at least twice a week anyway, and her friends who she sees twice a year will get a "Hi! How are ya? Thanks for comin!" And she will scurry back to the old people.

This last part I have some control over. I told her last night that she will be sitting with her friends. She protested and said she *needs* to sit with the old people (but she used their names), and I told her that was absurd because the old people can talk to the rest of our family. She finally gave in and said, "Okay, it's your wedding. I'll sit wherever you want me to sit."

Sheesh!

My other worries?

Well, Roger and I went to his cousin's wedding a few weeks ago and I saw some things that probably won't go over well if they're done at our wedding.

There was an incredible amount of intrusive picture taking...intrusive meaning on the altar during the ceremony and right in the way of the view of the guests. Since our church only allows the photographer to be moving around taking pictures, I don't know how to nicely get the word out that this is not appropriate. Perhaps I should put a note in the program "Stay in your seat or you will be shot immediately." No, that might be too harsh. What if someone has to pee? Those old people have tiny bladders!

I know this all must make me sound like I hate old people and don't want anyone to distract from the glory of me by flashing a picture during our ceremony. Really, I'm not that horrible. The first part is really more my frustration with my mother's need to take care of everyone and my family's total lack of ability to take over some responsibility. The latter is really more the church's rules and I don't want anyone to do something that is inappropriate during a religious ceremony.

I learned several years ago that my super planning and very detailed images of what will/should happen only set me up for disappointment. Therefore, my expectations for exactly how things will happen are very minimal. This way, I won't be so flustered by the little things that will certainly go wrong. As of right now, my framework is that on the morning of October 17th I'll wake up, have a bagel, hang out with my girls and then by that night I'll be married.

And damnit that bagel better be there or MY DAY will be RUINED!

July 14, 2008 7:27pm

2008-07-14T18:23:00.005-05:00

....and I'm back.

Yes, I've been busy. I have Step 2 of my board exams on July 24th so I took some time off for studying. Unfortunately, I have so much ADD that I think I sweat it out through my pores and I have a hard time getting meaningful work done on any one day. Overall, though, I manage to get quite a bit accomplished.

Anyway, for the pictures I promised:

My purrrty flowers!

Socrates The Wonder Dog!

Mom wanted to make me look sweet and innocent, so she threw a pebble at my feet so I would look down in this very "natural" way.

It's all about the KONG!

July 6, 2008 10:13pm

2008-07-06T21:08:00.002-05:00

I hate cramming a month's worth of thoughts into one posting.

In summary.....

Been studying for my board exam, which is on July 24th.
My best friend is up to something because she asked for the registry cards that Bed Bath and Beyond gave me and she swears she's using them to wallpaper her house. Hmmm.

Socrates is wonderful. I'll take some pictures soon.

My new garden is growing beautifully. I have Delphinium and Hollyhocks that are all blooming now.

I'm cooking, cooking, cooking up a storm.

Back to studying!

June 8, 2008 7:51pm

2008-06-08T18:46:00.002-05:00

I start my Pathology rotation tomorrow. Not having to see patients will be a nice break for 4 weeks. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy taking care of my patients but I feel like I've been so swamped with annoying shit for the last 4 weeks that I just need to be somewhere that I don't have to deal with it for a while.

Gas prices are making me nauseous. My truck runs on diesel which, when I first got my truck, was cheaper than regular gas. Now it is about 30 cents higher than premium. I miss being able to just get in my truck and drive around. It relaxed me. I energized me when I was stressed and just wanting to sleep.

I can't do that anymore because I just can't afford it. It costs $100 to fill my tank and depending on how far I go I need to fill it about every 1 1/2- 2 weeks.

Luckily, Roger's car is far more economical when it comes to gas, so we use his on weekends when we're together.

Between the gas prices and just general cost of life, I seriously worry about how I'm going to be able to afford anything in a few years. I know that seems silly because in a year I will be a Resident and I'll have a job for the first time in 4 years. I'll actually be making a little bit of money.

Maybe I worry too much, but I'm seriously concerned about my ability to afford anything after the next election.

Giving away free money for programs sounds lovely, but since I know that money will be coming out of mine and my husband's pocket....I'm not real thrilled about that prospect.

I also worry when phrases like " universal healthcare" and "redistribution of wealth" begin to be thrown around. I think when people clap and cheer for these things, they don't realize that they have dire consequences that have been disasterous when tried in other countries.

Maybe we all learned about the New Deal in 8th grade and were told how great it was, so we think that the New New Deal will be even better. Unfortunately, we were misinformed so we actually believe that government programs help bring a country out of a recession/depression rather than seeing that it kept us in one for 10 years more than we had to be in it.

Sigh.

I just worry.

June 5, 2008 10:51pm

2008-06-05T21:47:00.003-05:00

Yeah, I know. It's been a while.

Okay, it's been way too friggin long to give detailed descriptions of everything I've been doing.

Therefore, you get the Readers Digest version of everything in Elizabeth's life since April 10th.

Moved back to Jersey.
Started a new rotation.
Got a dog.
Went to DC for a medical conference (doesn't that just sound sooooo grown up?).
Dog went to doggie boot camp.
Finished a rotation and began another one.
Roger has been doing mega traveling for work.

The only really exciting bit of information there is the dog.

His name is Socrates. He was about 6 months when we got him. He's about 7-8 months now. The exact date of his birth is unknown. We got him from a local foster/rescue called K9's In Need. I saw his picture on PetFinder and contacted the rescue for an application. Being the nervous person that I am, I worried and worried that the rescue wouldn't accept us because we're not married, or if the house is dirty when they come for the home visit, or they think that a doctor won't have enough time for a pet.

I was wrong. We got the dog about 2 weeks after I submitted the application, and it only took that long because I was waiting for Roger to get back from a trip before we brought the dog home. We renamed him and he seemed to settle in quite well.

We think he was born in October based on the info that the rescue has. He was found with his mom and litter in Leesburg, VA. They ended up in a kill shelter there and were rescued by K9's In Need just as they all developed Parvovirus. Now, I know that in humans Parvovirus is like a nasty cold but I'm told that in dogs it's a nasty, nasty thing. Three of the litter and mom survived.

And now here he is:

We know that he is mostly black lab, but the rest of his genetics is unknown. His tail curls over (very un-lab like), and he has a few features that resemble other breeds.

We think he's perfect.

April 10, 2008 7:10pm

2008-04-10T18:06:00.003-05:00

My week in Lewisburg is nearly over.

I didn't even realize I could leave a day early until N- informed me that he was leaving tonight to go visit his girlfriend. Well sheesh! If I knew we could that, I would have made arrangements to leave! However, I know that if I skipped tomorrow's session and didn't get to see the feedback from my OSCE test, I would spend the next month in mental agony wondering if I passed.

Instead, I'm sitting in my hotel room in GI agony.

I think I am going to finally have to admit that I have an acid problem.

In fact, I have an acid problem so bad that I seem to spend most of the day feeling either nauseated or like there is a fire in my belly that is trying to escape through my mouth.

I'm also getting very tired of waking up in the morning with partially digested food in my mouth that I must have coughed up.

Gross. Super gross.

I ate one meal today and have been regretting it since noon. Two Zantac and four Tums aren't even beginning to take the edge off. Don't even think about asking me to lay down because that becomes another gastric nightmare.

I wish I was hungry. I really do. It's nearly 7:30pm and dinner would be the traditional activity, but even thinking about food makes me churn even more.

It is very true that medical professionals make the worst patients. This is because we try to manage a problem ourselves, but since nobody is an expert in everything we just get sicker and sicker until we get to a crisis point...and then seek the help of a colleague.

Help!

April 7, 2008 12:27am

2008-04-06T23:22:00.002-05:00

Back in Lewisburg for a week of assorted nonsense required by school.

I'm happy to be back here because I really missed this town....I think. Maybe I just missed the routine of school. I know for sure that I missed the burgers at Jim's Drive-In, the organic steaks at Stardust and the vegan wraps at The Wild Bean.

Clearly, I am very food oriented.

I packed up everything from the house in Buckhannon and drove back down to where my life in WV began.

At the moment, I am in bed at the Hampton Inn. I love Hampton Inn hotels. Maybe it's all Hilton hotels, but I especially love Hampton Inns. I love it because there is a great big bed with fluffy blankets and a lap desk. I can get a hot breakfast in the morning and coffee all day.

Unfortunately, most of my class is also staying at this hotel. It is more like the WVSOM dorm than my beloved Hampton Inn hotel. People I know are everywhere, and I feel like a hermit in my room. I ran into a classmate at the elevator. He said something like, "This week won't be so bad. School all day and then we get to party all night."

Obviously, he doesn't know me very well. I didn't "party" at all my first two years of school here. I'm not about to start now.

I have an absurd amount of luggage in the room with me. I didn't plan for packing well, and I just threw everything into bags. I didn't bother to separate out what I would need for my week here versus what I need for the rest of my life in NJ. Basically, I have every toiletry item, every piece of underwear, and every sock I own in this room, along with various other unmatched clothing items.

But I am in a Hampton Inn, so life is good. I told Roger we should consider moving into one.

What I am most looking forward to for this week is knowing that I don't have to make breakfast. someone else is making it for me. someone else is putting out the yogurt and fruit and bagel or whatever else might be on the menu.

Yes, the Hampton Inn is just about the closest thing there is to heaven right here on earth.

Clearly, my standards for heaven are not set very high.

March 13, 2008 6:43pm

2008-03-13T17:39:00.002-05:00

I hate when I don't write for a while and then I have to update everything quickly.

In short, finished off my ER rotation, went home for a long weekend, found "The Dress" and am now on my Surgery rotation.

Since Roger reads this blog but he doesn't want to see the dress, I will just provide a link to it. This picture isn't quite so accurate, though, because mine will be in light gold (shows up darker than in the picture), with spaghetti straps, and a sweetheart neckline. None of those words mean anything to Roger so we're safe.

Surgery has been....tiring. I don't know if I mentioned that during my OBGyn rotation, I went horizontal my first day 20 minutes into a hysterectomy. I was banished from the OR for cases longer than 10 minutes after that, so this was going to be my first venture back there (but at a different hospital).

The grossness of bowel resections cannot even be put into words. Today, I referred to it as "Medical School Fear Factor". Luckily, everyone laughed (including the surgeon).

A HUGE pet peeve of mine is when doctors sell shit out of their office. Now don't start on the pharm reps and their pens and note pads and lunch lectures because I will swear up and down (despite what Ted Kennedy says) that a good physician makes clinical judgments based on what is best for his or her patients and not what Pfizer Matt brought for lunch that day. And you can't tell me that just because a Dr gets a free clicky pen that they are going to unnecessarily write for that drug. My mom does peds and I've seen her with a Viagra pen. I'm pretty sure she's not putting the kiddos on Viagra....

...but I digress....

What bothers me is when doctors set up a display in their waiting room of some kind of happy horseshit that they are selling. If it's girl scout cookies, I don't care, but more often it is some kind of vitamin, dietary supplement, or weight loss drug.

And this Dr does just that. She sells vitamins. She takes about 40 of them a day herself. Her husband left his job to become a full time distributor for this company. She gets her patients to start these vitamins (basic package is $65 per month) because she believes it will make them healthier.

Now, after spending a few days with her I can honestly say that she does truly believe it will make them healthier. Personally, I love alternative treatments and therapies. Hell, I'm in osteopathic school where we spend a ton of time learning the very "alternative" treatment of manipulative medicine. However, performing a manipulation treatment on someone is very different from handing them a bottle of pills and asking for money for it. In one, they (or their insurance company) is paying for a service I can provide based on my schooling and training. In the other, a patient is handing over money for a bottle of vitamins that I am getting a % of for a mark-up...and they could buy the same thing at Wal-Mart for a whole lot less!!!!

I also am really into herbal remedies, natural remedies, and vitamin therapies. Really, I am. I swear. I love that stuff. I take a handfull of vitamins 3x each day. I can't wait until I'm a "real" Dr with a license and can actually give people advice legally. I can't wait to tell them about how great Omega-3's are and how important Vitamin D may be in preventing some cancers....but I'm not going to hand over a bottle and say "that will be $65 please."

They can follow my advice or not. They can go to the store and buy a bottle or not. They can price comparison shop at 3 different stores! They have some freedom in deciding if they want to try this. Personally, I think that freedom is gone when your doctor not only recommends a product, but sticks it on the table in front of you and wants you to decide if you will buy it from her right there.

So, one would wonder why a doctor would want to participate in this kind of business endeavor rather than just recommend specific treatments/regimens or even recommend a brand that they happen to think is really good.

I asked the question.

The answer? Money. Apparently, she doesn't think she's getting paid enough. She isn't being paid enough by the hospital to support her "entire" family, so she has to do this because "I don't want to be operating when I'm, like, 60."

What, pray tell, did you plan to do when you are 60? Are we still looking for what we want to be when we grow up? Vitamin sales is it!

Furthermore, don't tell me about how you don't make enough money to support your family so you have to sell vitamins out of your office, and then get into your BMW convertible to drive home.

Just....just don't. Please. Save yourself the embarrassment. Your BMW is gorgeous. Really, it is. It's white and has tan leather interior. Honestly, when you are the only surgeon at a hospital and are on call 24/7, do 10-15 cases per day scheduled plus add-ons and emergencies, you really do deserve every single penny you make. When I see patients and their families hugging you in the waiting room, I have no doubt you have earned your money....whatever it may be. But please, don't drive off in a fancy car, go on ski trips with your family, get a weekly massage and then complain you don't make "enough" so you have to sell vitamins. Take it up with the hospital. Ask for a raise. Threaten to leave if you have to, but don't stoop to the level of cashing in on a trend.

February 26, 2008 1:31pm

2008-02-26T13:27:00.002-05:00

First, to update on my last post: I tried talking things out with some friends, but I'm not sure it got me anywhere. Honestly, I think I just need to accept people as they are and not expect them to act a certain way. I know that I have always had a problem with this. I don't mean that I expect *things* from people. I don't expect gifts or money or anything material like that. What I do expect (and want) is time. If you are my friend, I want your time.

I feel selfish even saying that, but isn't that what a friendship is? You give your time to someone you care about. I need to stop expecting anything, though. I have to accept that the way I treat people may not be the way others see fit to treat people.

Worked overnights this past weekend in the ER. My days and nights are all mixed up.

Trying to get some studying done, but I am low on motivation. I just want to go home!!!

February 20, 2007 9:15pm

2008-02-20T21:11:00.002-05:00

Tonight is not a good night.

I'm heading down that slippery slope (no, not chopsticks) of feeling anxious, depressed, worthless, frustrated.....

further and further

The pissy part is that I don't actually have something I can pinpoint as what is causing it.

Other than f-d up brain chemistry and bad genes.

And why is it that when I reach out to friends and family for a little time and support, I get ignored? Ignored as in phone calls not returned or "gee, I'd love to talk but I'm really busy. We'll catch up in a few weeks."

Then when it spirals out of control and I'm in that really dark place again I have to crawl out myself.

When I finally do, all those people who I tried to reach out to eons before are saying, "Awww, why didn't you call me or talk to me about it?"

Fuck Em!

February 8, 2008 6:57pm

2008-02-08T18:53:00.000-05:00

Beej did this so I thought I'd jump on the bandwagon too.

1) Answer the questions below
2) Take each answer and type it into Photobucket (www.photobucket.com)
3) Take any picture from the first page of results and post.

1. The age you'll be on your next birthday:

2. A place you'd like to travel:

3. Your favorite place:

4. Your favorite object:

5. Your favorite food:

6. Your favorite animal:

7. Your favorite color:

8. The town in which you were born:

9. The town in which you live:

10. The name of your pet Don't have one unless you count...

11. Your name:

12. Your middle name:

13. Your last name:

14. A bad habit of yours:

15. Your first job:

16. Your current car:

17. Favorite sport:

18. Favorite kind of music no one favorite

19. Your crush:

February 6, 2008 6:53pm

2008-02-06T18:32:00.000-05:00

I'm low on motivation these days.

It's just so much more fun to let the hours slip by while I watch QVC.

Last few days of my ObGyn rotation. Not that there was any doubt in my mind before, but I am 110% sure I do not ever, ever, ever want to be an ObGyn. God bless those who do, though. And there's a midwife in this doc's office who I think has a special place set aside for her in Heaven because she will even go over to OB and just "hang out" to help if needed since they are sorely understaffed.

Next week I begin Emergency Medicine. Also not something I'm really keen on. I don't even like the tv show. Things move too fast. Doors swinging open and closed. I'm more of a House kind of girl. I like having a good 40 minutes to think through what I need to do.

I'm in the process of planning my 4th year rotations and thinking about residency after I graduate. We apply for that around September/October so it's coming up sooner than one might think. My biggest problem at the moment is getting all the paperwork to the correct people. It would be much easier if I just had to do it myself, but I am far from home (where I'm doing my 4th year) so I have to rely on email and phone. I get my part filled out and sent to the hospital in NJ, and then I have to rely on them to fax it to my school. This is where the system seems to break down and things get lost.

I'd be happier if the whole world worked with the same sense of urgency that I do. I'd also be happier if everyone checked their email at all hours of the day/night like I do....or that they at least responded to me within a week! Argh!

Onto the wedding front. I call it a "front" because I feel like it is a war. A war against all the people who feel the need to tell me what I just *have* to do. Other than show up, I haven't seen one thing that I absolutely *have* to do. I'm no less married if I don't have someone do my make-up, or if I don't do matchbooks, or if my cocktail napkins aren't monogrammed. I'm not giving anyone anything with my monogram on it. In fact, I'm actually considering getting my boobs imaged and then putting that on every available surface. When someone asks me about it I will say, "Oh, you said MONO-gram? I thought you were telling me to put my MAMMO-gram on everything. My bad!"

So the Save The Date magnets went out. I know a lot of people have gotten theirs because the number of people viewing our wedding web site went up dramatically. Roger also went and booked our mini honeymoon that we will be taking just after the wedding. We're going to Napa Valley to eat and drink our way through wine country! We'll be staying at a place called 1801 First and Roger arranged for us to have a private cottage. I am all about the evening couples massage with the bottle of champagne!

That will be the perfect way to start off our new life together after all the stress of taking 2 board exams this summer and then the wedding.

And speaking of board exams.... time to hit the books again.

February 1, 2008 12:41am

2008-02-01T00:37:00.000-05:00

Anxiety is a bitch.

I realized that the less I blog, the more I feel ill with anxiety. I think writing gives me a chance to put my thoughts down and consider what I'm really upset about.

At the moment, I am most worried/frustrated about school. I'm almost done with my OB rotation and I will be moving on to Surgery and Emergency Medicine. Both give me nightmares.

Sid I mention that on my first day of surgery in OB I went horizontal 25 minutes into a hysterectomy?

Well, I did.

Clearly, the operating room is not the place for me.

I hate things moving fast. I hate making quick decisions. I'm more into the kind of medicine where you can evaluate and research a bit before deciding what to do (nobody is about to die immediately). I'm also clumsy and have a wicket tremor. If I hold a mug of coffee, my hand shakes so bad that I often spill it on myself. I am a glass is half empty kind of gal out of necessity. I can't exactly hit a vein with any sort of proficiency, but it's really embarrassing explaining to people (even doctors and nurses) that I'm not just nervous, I have a medical condition that normally really old people have.

I've also been really anxious about money lately. This is probably because I don't currently have a job so I'm not making any money. Mom helps me out tremendously so I can have a roof over my head and eat and have books and toilet paper, but I feel guilty every single time I spend money that isn't really *mine*.

Tonight, the power went out around dinnertime. I called the power company and the very pleasant recording told me that it will be restored by 4am. I assumed this meant it was a major catastrophe and I needed supplies. I drove to Wal-Mart (which still had power) and bought lots of batteries, a battery powered lantern, apples, bananas, 3 cans of soup, some non-refrigerated snacks, and a piece of chocolate cake. The plan was to stock up on things that didn't need to go in the fridge and enjoy the night with my lantern and read. I got to the checkout and the whole thing came to about $70 (mostly because of the batteries and the lantern). On the drive home, I realized that power had been restored and there would be no evening of roughing it.

Guilt over the purchases immediately began.

Why is it that I can appear so calm and together, yet have this internal war going on?

food and I aren't getting along very well right now. My stomach churns as soon as I swallow a bite, and last night I had reflux so bad that I had to go to sleep sitting up.

Tonight isn't looking very promising right now either.

January 22, 2008 6:58pm

2008-01-22T18:54:00.000-05:00

So I've been thinking about how on top of this wedding planning stuff I seem to be.

I've got until October and I already have the church, reception, photographer, and DJ booked. I've also got a place for the rehersal dinner. Go me!

Right?

Apparently I'm wrong. I am terribly terribly wrong.

At least according to the entire wedding planning board and the obsessive wedding planning message boards I look at.

I don't have a dress. Not really thrilled about looking for one either, but that's just me. Well, these chicks have bought their dresses 12, 18, and sometimes 24 months in advance of the wedding. Oh but it doesn't stop there....they also obsess over their shoes. They buy sometimes 3 different pairs (12 months in advance) and obsess over which ones to wear. It goes beyond that to hair accessories, jewelry, make-up (multiple and i do mean MULTIPLE make-up "trials" a year or more before the wedding), hair styles, etc.

I don't know about the rest of you, but my sister taught me how to put on make-up. I think I'll do just fine on my own with that.

I also don't purchase little decorative accents 9 months ahead and arrange and rearrange "sample tables" so I know exactly what the gift table will look like at the wedding.

It will be in October so I was thinking something fall-ish. See, now I know what it will look like. A table with a white tablecloth, gifts on it, and a pumpkin.

The types of things I *would* be worried about are my guests getting enough to eat and drink, the bathrooms being clean and if the food stays warm by the time it gets to everyone.

But I don't *need* to worry about these things because I booked a very reputable reception location with a great staff and very good quality food (and clean bathrooms).

Yes, I want to enjoy my wedding but more importantly I want to enjoy my marriage. I want to have a beautiful wedding and get to visit with friends and family who I don't see very often.

The gift that I really, really, really want? More than anything in the world? Lots and lots of hugs. Hugs galore. And smiles. I want to see smiles everywhere.

So maybe there is something wrong with me for planning all of this in a shorter amount of time than the others. Maybe I am cutting it too close and will be stressed and unhappy the day before the wedding because I don't have a wand for the flower girl that exactly matches the clip in the bridesmaids' hair. Maybe I'll be frantically searching for a "something blue" (another one of those wedding things I have no interest in) and then asking the anonymous public on message boards for their opinion on if it's blue enough. Maybe I'll be out on a midnight run for a tussy mussy.

And this is where my rage peaks... What in the name of fucking Vera Wang is a fucking tussy mussy and why are you using one (much less searching for the perfect one) if you are over the age of 4?!! New from Playskool! Introducing the Vewy Vewy Special Tussy Mussy! Your child will have hours of fun! Play, laugh, grow!

To be honest, I don't especially mind the little details. It's just that when I come home from the hospital for the evening I just can't get myself all worked up about someone's "crisis" over which font to have their monogram in for the matchbooks.

January 15, 2008 5:45pm

2008-01-15T17:41:00.000-05:00

Now that I'm back in WV and settled, I can fill you in on all the happenings!

First, I went home for 4 weeks. Christmas was wonderful. Roger and I decorated my house. It was lots of fun doing up a big Christmas celebration with him.

We left for Washington D.C. the day after Christmas. We went down just to do the touristy thing (as well as get our patriotic groove on and see all the monuments, memorials, documents, museums, and other buildings of note).

Oh yeah, and there was a surprise too...

Wowie zowie!

So the days after getting back home to NJ was a whirlwind of wedding planning to get as much done as we could before I went back down to WV.

And we even made a website.

Now I'm on my ObGyn rotation (Shoe covers. That's all I have to say about that.). I'll be home for good on May 10, 2008 and I am counting the days, minutes, seconds.

I hope all is well in your worlds. :-)

January 8, 2008 9:55pm

2008-01-08T21:51:00.000-05:00

Okeeee....

Don't be mad.....

I haven't posted in a long time......

And a lot has happened......

I'll post some pictures when I get time......

But for now......

All I can say is......

Don't ya think October would be a lovely month for a wedding?

December 12, 2007 6:35pm

2007-12-12T18:29:00.000-05:00

So Ryan went and made a liar out of me.

As of right now, he's still critical but hanging in. They're trying a few new things with him.

He isn't well. I'm not sure he ever will be, but he's better than he was.

I will see him when I go home.

On a lighter note, yes, I AM GOING HOME!!!!

Friday, to be exact. I'm mostly packed now except for actually zipping up the suitcases. And yes, I did say "suitcases" plural. How else could I pack for an entire month? My underwear alone takes up one whole weekend-size bag. The shoes alone require their own large duffel!

but I'm sad to be leaving this rotation that I have enjoyed so much. Psychiatry has been so fascinating to me, I am really torn on where I want to go with my life now.

But one thing I am not torn on.....that I want Roger to be a part of it for-ev-er.

giggle snort

December 3, 2007 7:46pm

2007-12-03T19:42:00.000-05:00

I am love, love, loving my psychiatry rotation! There are two docs who are fighting over which one gets to have me for the next two weeks. Yay! I feel special!

I'm learning a lot. I'm fascinated by my patients.

And I even get to meet famous people from time to time. Well, at least people who believe they are famous people.

The only part I don't like is that I wish that truly crazy people (like those who think they are someone they are not, or those who like to walk around naked and urinate on the floor) were stupid. It seems that despite their very abnormal thought processes, they are of normal if not above average intelligence.

It would be less tragic if they had zero potential outside of the institution. College students, law students, nurses, teachers, and even doctors have made it into our hallowed halls. Some will recover and go back to their normal lives, but many won't. Many never had a *normal* life because they are so disabled by their problems.

On a happier note...

Roger and I decided to hold a New Year's Eve party. Just a gathering of friends at my place. Lots of good food, plenty of wine, good conversation. It will be fun! spend the night if you wish! The festivities begin at 8:00pm. Naked Twister should start around 8:15.

December 2, 2007 3:15pm

2007-12-02T15:12:00.000-05:00

Christmas is quickly approaching. This is my absolute favorite time of year. I love shopping for gifts, planning menus, decorating, etc.

My mother, on the other hand, finds it all to be a chore. That is why she wrote her own Christmas carol, sun to the tune of O Tannenbaum:

O Christmas tree
O Christmas tree
Why do you always shit on me?
The balls all fall, the lights don't work
You make me feel
Just like a jerk
O Christmas tree
O Christmas tree
Why do you always shit on me?

Festive, ain't it?

I recently posted about my strange family and their reaction to my Christmas Eve celebration last year. Well, I'm a glutton for punishment so I'm doing it again this year. I have everyone's little gift prepared now. I have a menu prepared and ran it past mom (who always loves anything I make) and emailed it to my aunt, though she hasn't written me back yet with any comments/complaints. Not that I'd listen anyway.

Our Christmas Eve dinner is meatless. There are multiple courses and I am determined to slow it down this year so it isn't so rushed this year. Humans are not meant to eat that that speed. If we're going to do it quickly, might as well throw everything into one big dog bowl and even skip the utensils.

1st course: Picked herring and rye bread (an acquired taste, i know, but it's a tradition)
2nd: Saurkraut soup with mushrooms
3rd: Egg noodles with dried fruit compote
4th: ginger-poached salmon with endive and swordfish steaks with caper butter (mom already made the comment of "just two choices"- yes because I'm not a fucking short order cook!)
potato-cheese pierogis
peas with tomato sauce
green beans with parsley and pine nuts
5th: profiteroles with ice cream and choice of chocolate or raspberry sauce

Christmas Day will be a smaller crowd, but I'm making:
Prime rib with horseradish crust
Scalloped potatoes with Asiago cheese
Roasted Cauliflower with capers
Red lettuce salad with champagne vinegarette
coconut-sweet potato cheesecake for dessert (yes, just one choice...don't like it, don't eat it).

I'm excited about doing all of this, but am dreading the comments.

Last year I made a rack of lamb for Christmas. It looked absolutely perfect and tasted even better. Of course, I had to hear things like, "Oh, you like that kind of thing?" and "since when do we eat lamb in this family?" and my favorite, "I think I should've run to McDonalds before coming here."

Because I'm a masochist, I also decided to have everyone over for New Year's Day. for that gathering, I'm planning to make:
Roasted asparagus with parmesan, proscuitto and poached eggs
Orzo salad
Apple tart
and a gigantic thermos of hot buttered rum because I'm going to need something to keep from becoming homicidal after 3 days of various unnecessary comments.

I'm really liking the idea I had months ago to just crush xanax into everyone's food.

I hear that there's a hell of a snowstorm in NJ. We just have rain down here in WV, though. I wish it would snow. I love snow. I love sitting inside with hot chocolate and reading a good book. Or even better, sitting on the porch on my swing with a huge blanket, watching the snow.

Sigh.

November 25, 2007 7:15pm

2007-11-25T19:11:00.000-05:00

Back in WV :-(

But now, for what you have all been waiting for....

My Big Fat Thanksgiving Dinner 2007 Edition!!

Arrived at my uncle Ray's house around noon. Unlike most dysfunctional family gatherings on Thanksgiving, there is no blaring television here. There is no football to distract us from our bitterness. No children to direct our aggression at. Worst of all, there are no pets to take for a walk when one just *must* escape.

Basically, once you walk in the door, you're trapped. It's just you, the low-carb cheese tray, and the family.

This year's cast of characters included a friend of my uncle's named Rich, who has been unemployed for as long as I've known him, does not drive, has no television, and is extremely eccentric (cough: crazy). Ray's wife invited her cousin, Barbara, who lives alone, has no visible source of income and is prone to moments of extreme emotion directed at people or events with which she has no personal connection.

There was also my aunt Joanne and uncle Marty, my mom, and me.

Marty was on Jamesons on ice #2 by the time we arrived. Joanne was engrossed in a dramatic telling of the tragedy of the denim skirt she tried to sew in high school, bu was too fearful to make the first stitch. This went on for nearly 30 minutes. The anxiety she had. What would have happened if she did something wrong? The feeling of failure for never having finished the skirt.

I remarked that it sounded like she was suffering from PTSD- Post Traumatic Sewing Disorder.

nobody laughed

Except my mom, who nearly spewed her Ginger Ale.

After the skirt story, it was just about time for dinner/lunch/breakfast. We sit down at the table (after the yearly discussion of where should everyone sit...only for us to sit in the EXACT SAME PLACES we have all sat for the last 15 years). Marty and Rich get into a heated discussion about 9/11 and the firefighters/policemen not wearing proper respiratory protection and how Marty worked oh so hard for 30 days with no days off with the EPA. And now the EPA is being blamed for their respiratory problems blah blah blah fucking blah.

I kept trying to change the subject. After all, the mashed potatoes hadn't even been put on the table yet! For Chrissakes! Save the conspiracy theories for the pumpkin pie!

Jamesons #3 also helped this along.

Poor Ray didn't speak at all through dinner. Every second of the conversation was either absurd, surreal, or angry.

Here are some of the topics we covered:
- the 2008 election and our mutual dislike of Hilary (a rare moment of agreement)
- the 2008 election and my family's dislike of Guiliani, while my mom and I say he's the only one who can beat Hilary and everyone else refusing to admit that and, thusly, getting upset with my mom and I
- Anger over one's father abandoning them when they were 5.....45 years ago.
-why all people with mental illness (of any kind) should be locked up in an "asylum". This happened because I mentioned I was on my psych rotation. I seriously wanted to pull out my Prozac bottle at that point and ask if that meant I should go find the nearest "asylum".
-why it isn't polite to call people with down's syndrome "Mongoloid" and why they should or should not be locked up in the aforementioned "asylum".
-"colored people" and their negative effect on the world
-joanne and marty's recent trip to a fancy shmancy restaurant and their very poor review of it- everything they hated about it made it sound more and more appealing to me. seasonal menu, great wine list, "tiny portions" ie really great quality food in normal human serving sizes, but not big enough for the fat asses of my family who prefer the biggie size value meal size dinners.

I think I'm going to try to talk more at christmas eve dinner. This might keep the conversation on a better track.

Poor ray didn't even speak at all until everyone except my mom and I left. Then he talked to us for about an hour. That was a nice, normal visit.

On a sad note, my great uncle Stanley's dog, Duke, died. He wasn't eating for a few days, so my mom took him to the vet yesterday. He was breathing fast and the vet hospital ran some tests. They found lots of fluid in his abdomen and they suspected cancer. I'm not a big advocate of putting these animals through all sorts of wild surgeries and chemo treatments only to extend their life by a month or two. $1500 just for the "tests" was enough to convince us it was time to let him go. Stanley is okay with it (Stan is 80 and has a home health aid because he is quite elderly), but now he wants another dog. Mom's mission now is to find him another golden retriever...preferably one who likes to watch Hockey and Football and doesn't expect too much activity. Duke seemed to fit that role perfectly.

I'm back down in WV and another week of fun starts tomorrow!

Thursday November 22, 2007 10:29am

2007-11-22T10:26:00.001-05:00

Got in from Buckhannon about 6:00pm last night.

Despite having already suffered through the flu and mono, someone has decided to bless me with a cold.

Snotfest!

Did you know that if you unknowingly swallow enough mucus, you stomach will reject it and make you want to vomit?

Did you also know that if you are on a diet and eat really well for a long time, and then eat a massive portion of Japanese food and assorted sushi rolls, you stomach will save you from spoiling the diet by just sending it all right on through without being fully digested?

Yay for explosive diarrhea!

On that note, it's Thanksgiving!

Roger just left to go back up to his parents' place. I am dressed and ready to go to my uncle's house in a bit.

As many of you recall, it is time for the fabulous Big Fat Thanksgiving Dinner!

Over the years, my family has shrunk. Surprisingly enough, it is not due to divorce or family feuds, but the old ones just keep dying off. It's the natural process of things, so I don't mind too terribly much.

That being said, our gathering this year will be approximately 8 or maybe 9 people.

My uncle invited Roger to come, but Roger is going up to his own family's dinner. Besides, I'd rather invite Roger to that part of my family for Christmas when it's at my house and under my control. (and yes, I fully admit that I am a control freak)

I will pay close attention to the events of today and will give you my full report when I return...complete with humorous inserts.

Happy Thanksgiving Friends!

November 16, 2007 5:06pm

2007-11-16T17:02:00.000-05:00

Comfort bliss.

that's where I am right now.

Let me explain...

It doesn't take much to make me happy. A day off here and there is a good start. Some comfortable clothes, warm socks, a fluffy bed, and QVC is really all I need to be absolutely happy.

And today I have that. all of it.

I had today off, which meant I got to sleep in late and on clean sheets. Sigh. Simple pleasures.

And after a lovely day of cooking and baking, I am now relaxing in bed with my cookbooks, the internet, my bed, and, of course, my beloved QVC.

Some visuals for you....

Beef vegetable soup in the crock pot (I swear it smells a lot better than it looks right here)

A coconut-sweet potato cheesecake cooling in the fridge. Come over any time for dinner! And if anyone knows how to keep cheesecakes from cracking in the middle, please let me know.

My super fluffy warm bed with the extra pillows and blankets.

Of course, the socks.

Told ya I was happy!

November 15, 2007 10:10pm

2007-11-15T22:06:00.000-05:00

So I'm sitting on my couch now, on the phone with Roger, watching the Democratic Debate on CNN.

I didn't start blogging until now because it has taken me a bit of time to glue the pieces of my head together after I had to slam it up against the wall. I also had some blood shooting out of my eyes in anger.

Some favorite moments...

Obama saying that we need to close Gitmo. And just leaves it at all. Um. Okay. And then do what? In his next breath, he said that we need to open schools in the middle east that don't teach hate, but instead teach math and science. As Roger pointed out, we couldn't stop a school in NYC from teaching Islamic fundamentalism, not to mention the fact that we have enough trouble with our own schools in this country...how are we going to open schools in the middle east and control what they teach?

I know! We'll take the people out of gitmo and have them teach at the new schools! Roger called it Gitmo U!

I also really liked the UNLV student who has the chance of a lifetime to ask a US Senator running for president one question. Just one question. What does this college student ask? "Senator Clinton, do you prefer diamonds or pearls?"

I want this bimbo's voter registration card revoked. Stupid people should not be allowed to make decisions like who becomes the next president.

The words "Universal" and "Healthcare" put together in the same sentence, when not followed by "is really really bad" make me nauseous.

Joe Biden said that if he is president, his Supreme Court nominee "would be" a woman. Really? Not the most qualified individual you can find? Not the person who would be best in the position? A woman. that's the big requirement? What if there's a man who is more qualified. You will sacrifice a position on the supreme court to someone who is less qualified just to have a vagina on the bench?

Wonderful.

And let's stop with the absurdity of calling illegals "undocumented workers". That's like calling a used car a "previously enjoyed" car.

Oh geez, now my head is starting to ooze apart again. I will write more another time.

November 9, 2007 6:14pm

2007-11-09T18:10:00.000-05:00

Sorry I have not been updating.

I have been ill.

Really nasty ill.

About 2 1/2 weeks ago (though it feels like a month at least) I started feeling a little more tired than usual. Friday night I left the office with a mild sore throat, but didn't think too much of it. Saturday morning, I woke up bright and early to go to the hospital and check on patients and I could swear someone had killed me during the night, buried me, and the dug me up without my knowing.

I...hurt...everywhere. My hair hurt. My fingernails hurt. My liver! My liver! I was shaking, but I was hot, then cold, then hot, then cold. My throat hurt like I had razor blades in it.

But being the dedicated medical student that I am, I got myself dressed and went to the hospital to meet the doc. I rounded on the patients and waited for him in the Dr's Lounge (which is actually slightly larger than a walk-in closet, has a desk, 2 chairs, and a window in it....oooh, livin the high life!). He sees me and says, "You don't look so good."

Well, I don't feel so good. I told him about my strange illness. He said it sounded like I was getting the flu, but the F-word is a dirty word around hospitals. Nobody wants to be the first hospital in the area to have documented cases of the flu. Fine with me. I'm happy to be in denial.

We saw a few patients and then went to the critical care unit. There, I almost passed out when examining a patient. I had to sit down and get my balance again. Doc saw I was fading fast, so he didn't ask much of me. I was mainly his scribe. I took notes on patients and wrote down what he said. Then, standing by the nurses' station, he began shooting the breeze about the good old days and I was about to puke. I got that prickly heat feeling you get in your forehead and face just before you start the Lamaze breathing to keep from puking.

Yeah. And I turned pasty white. Well, more pasty white than I normally am.

Without even asking for permission, I just turned around and said, "I need to leave. I'm very sick." I swear if I had any friends up here I would have called them to come get me from the hospital because I was very unsure of driving the 6 blocks home.

But I did.

and I got into bed.

And didn't think I would ever leave.

I also did what ever 26 year old woman with almost 3 years of medical training, 6 years of EMT experience, and who lives within earshot of a hospital would do.

I called my mom who lives 500 miles away and begged her to come down to take care of me. She was planning to come down on Monday when she was on her way to Louisville to visit a friend. Unfortunately, she was on call and could not come down until Monday. Then I called Roger, who felt horrible and wanted to help, but couldn't from so far away.

I shivered and sweated and ached for two days. On Monday, I called out sick from the office but asked if I could come in to be checked. My throat hurt and I was sure my ear was going to explode from the amount of pressure behind it. I dragged myself into doc's office in my pajamas. He looked at my tonsils and decided I had strep. Much to his surprise, my strep test was negative, but he gave me an antibiotic anyway. He told me to take as much time as I needed off and "don't be a hero. come back when you're really ready."

considering this is the same doc who had a problem with my boobage, he was being very caring and understanding. I found a new respect for him.

Monday was a wash. Tuesday was lost. Wednesday I slowly began to recover. By Thursday I came in for a half day of work.

Mom returned to my house from Louisville by Friday and I had a nice weekend with her.

And then I got sick again by Monday. Monday night I wanted to die. I called Roger at 4am to tell him my throat hurt so bad and I could hardly speak. I communicated mostly in grunts and I couldn't swallow..only drool and spit. He was so upset I think he was nearly crying on the phone. He felt completely helpless being so far away from me.

Gross.

Tuesday morning I met doc in the hospital and told him what was going on. He even enlisted the help of another doc on the foor and then he walked me down to the lab to get some blood work. He suspected Mono and gave me an Rx for some steroid (yay for Prednisone!) and told me to go home and rest.

Within an hour I was even sicker. I was dizzy from the pain in my throat and couldn't move my tongue at all. I got my drugs and headed home. Called Roger to tell him what I was doing. He told me he was leaving work soon and would be on his way down. He couldn't stand to hear me being so sick and all alone, so he was leaving work for the rest of the week and coming down to me.

Sigh. I loved him so much in that moment.

He got here Tuesday night and will be leaving on Sunday. I've been able to get back to the office for half days the past three days. Doc has been very understanding about me being so tired and in pain. The official diagnosis seems to be Mono of unknown viral cause. I wake up every morning about 4:30 in excruciating pain. Roger gets my pills for me and holds me until I fall asleep. He runs errands for me and takes excellent care of me. Waits on me hand and foot when I'm in bed resting. Gets me water, pills, M&M's or whatever else I may want.

I am very blessed.

And it seems that I am slowly recovering.

I don't ever want to be sick like this again, though.

October 23, 2007 8:19pm

2007-10-23T19:16:00.000-05:00

Here is what I have learned since starting my new Geriatrics rotation:

If you are a woman, do not under any circumstances even set foot in West Virginia. If you live in Maryland and need to drive to Ohio, pee in a bottle until you get there.

Do not stop in West Virginia!

There is something about the men here...they hate women.

I told you all about my last absurd preceptor who hates white people and women. Well, he's gone. I then had a lovely Peds rotation with a great doctor.

And now I have returned to Hell.

Let's call him Dr. Holy. We will call him this because I think he believes himself to be so. If you can get past the Christian soft-rock CD being played OVER AND OVER in his office, and the giant "Jesus Saves" posters at every single turn, it turns out he's really a total weirdo.

My first day- I wore black dress pans, black heels, and a blue v-neck shirt. I've worn this shirt on every other rotation I've had and never had any problems. 8am, I meet Dr. Holy in the hospital. Every time he speaks to me, he speaks to my chest. Weird. By 10am he says (and I quote) "Going forward, can you please wear something that doesn't show your cleavage. It's very distracting." WHO THE FUCK TALKS LIKE THAT? first of all, nobody else I've worn this shirt around has a problem with it. More importantly, you can't see any boob unless you're looking down my shirt from my angle!

Today, I wore a shirt with a scoop neck. What does he do? Spends the whole day talking to my chest again. What the hell is wrong with this man?

I'll tell ya what's wrong with him. Dr. Crazy was just, at his core, a self absorbed asshole. Dr. Holy, on the other hand...well...you spend so many years on the God Squad and some things start to get repressed. He doesn't have anything that couldn't be cured with his wife giving him a good blow job.

In the mean time, he has a boob obsession.

It goes beyond just my boobs.

He is the doc for the nursery at the hospital. So when a baby is born, he sometimes is the doc who examines the baby and talks to the mom, etc etc. Today he berated a mom for not breastfeeding. He stopped just short of telling her that she's a bad mother, but he did say that, "A really good mom who loves her baby would breastfeed her."

DUDE!!!!

He seems like the type of man who thinks women are just a tad beneath him. That women belong home with the children and their boobs and if you don't do that then there's something wrong with you.

Why does this shit keep happening to me?

I need to get home to NJ where people are less backwards!

On a happier note....

Roger is wonderful. Working hard, but that's what makes him wonderful.

I am blissfully in love.

I told my mom the other night that this is truly the first time I have wanted a marriage, and not just a wedding.

October 3, 2007 6:05pm

2007-10-03T17:02:00.000-05:00

Day over. I had dinner. Now I am ready to calmly recap my afternoon learning.

I don't have kids of my own, so I always feel just a little bit guilty giving parents advice about their kids. Some things I am confident about like when immunizations are recommended, medication dosing, at what age to start baby food, when to switch to 2% milk, etc. Things that are fairly set guidelines that I just need to parrot back.

Then there's the grey areas on child behavior, discipline, going back to work, and other very personal decisions.

For example, a first time mom brought her 2 year old into the office this afternoon. Chief complaint of decreased appetite and decreased bowel movements, also tantrums. So I go in the room and find a very distressed mom who tells me that the little one has been very picky with his eating, and he is throwing 3-4 fits each day.

I was a little frustrated because she had been squeezed in on a very busy day and she was all upset over what is, essentially, the terrible two's and two year molars coming in. I checked him over thoroughly and assured her he wasn't ill, but the molars are probably bothering him so he doesn't much feel like eating. Not to worry, he won't starve. Less eating means less pooping. The fits are, well, normal, though annoying.

Then she asked me how to stop the fits. This is where I started to feel like I didn't have a right to tell her what to do because I don't have kids myself.

My advice, essentially, consisted of "Isolate and Ignore". He throws the fit to get attention. If you give in every time then he will know he can manipulate you. If you just let him have his fit and ignore it by leaving the room or just not feeding into it, then you can welcome him back when he's ready to calm down. She also needs to be consistent. Whatever is not okay to do today also can't be okay to do tomorrow. She can't just let him do something over and over and then one day not let him do it anymore. The rules have to be the same if he's at home or at grandma's house (luckily, grandma was also in the room so we could all be in agreement). Most of all, if she says she's going to punish him by taking x toy away...then follow through and really do if. If he learns that all of her threats are empty threats, he won't take her very seriously. He can start learning that there are certain "rules". Wherever he goes for the rest of his life, there will always be rules he needs to follow.

The doc agreed with my assessment that it was a healthy kid with a 2 year old 'tude. Mom even shook my hand as she was leaving, so maybe she appreciated what I said to her. We gave her the phone number of a local parenting class.

So, on the one hand I was glad to help. On the other, I felt guilty....like I had no right to tell her how to raise her kid. Then again, she asked for my advice. I didn't run up to her in the grocery store out of nowhere and start telling her what to do.

Now, the other thing that I wanted to write about....
I still don't have any children of my own (in case you thought I popped a few out in the past few paragraphs). Therefore, I can't actually relate to what it's like to look forward to bringing this perfect person into the world, only to one day find out that they have a problem of some sort. I'm sure it is devastating and requires some adjustment time.

However....

I am getting really frustrated over the past few weeks( and also in family practice, and also in my mom's pedi neurology office) with seeing parents who are unwilling to accept that their child has a problem and then get them the proper help.

Two examples:

An otherwise healthy 7 year old boy starts 1st grade and becomes a total emotional basket case. He worries about everything. Going to school every day is a battle. He cries and cries all morning. Then he goes into school and is okay for the day there, but as soon as he gets home he just sits in his room and doesn't want to play or talk or do anything. Some days he doesn't even go to school because he is such an emotional wreck that mom keeps him home. Mom brings him to the doc's office. Doc recommends looking into some counseling at the school and prescribes an antidepressant that also helps with anxiety in kids really well. Three weeks later, they come in for a follow-up visit. The first week was rough, but the last two weeks have been better. He gradually cried less and less. He is now just a little upset in the morning, but has made it to school every day for the past two weeks. He comes home in the afternoon and plays (ironically) school with his stuffed animals, and talks with mom and dad about his day when they have dinner. These are all good things, right?

So mom says she wants to immediately take him off the medication. Can't find out from him if he feels better now with the medication, because mom told him it was for his allergies (which he doesn't have). Mom keeps saying she's uncomfortable with him being on a medication. Okay, I get that. Other than the occasional antibiotic, it's tough to put your kid on something to take every day. But if he had asthma, or diabetes, wouldn't you want him to have the medication he needs to make his life better? We tried this to see if it helps, and he is obviously thriving on the medication. Taking him off of it might mean that he will go back to where he was 3 weeks ago, and then if she wants him back on it he will have to take it for a few weeks before it works well again. Mom seems to have a hang-up about even thinking that her kid could have a problem with depression, so she wants him off the medicine ASAP. Well, isn't that just hurting the kid? Aren't you making him suffer because you can't accept that he needs some help right now? He's okay with it. In fact, he's doing better than ever. Isn't this really about him and not you?

Of course, we can't say that to mom. So we agree to take him off it for a trial and see how he does. The counseling went nowhere. She had one visit with the school counselor and then declined any more visits and didn't want the counselor to contact him during the school day (she thought he would be embarrassed. In my opinion, kids are thrilled to get out of class to go somewhere "special". It's the mom who is embarrassed.)

Example 2. A 4 year old boy who weighs 80 lbs. Yes, 80 lbs. He has a vocabulary of less than 4 words. He expresses himself by grunting. He eats until he vomits, and then continues eating. He throws huge, violent tantrums whenever there is even a slight change in his routine. At the age of 3, when he wasn't speaking, doc referred the family to something called Birth to Three. It's supposed to help kids with developmental delays. Well, dad never let the people evaluate the kid. They hired a speech therapist and got his vocabulary up from 0 words to 10 words and some grunts. It was a nightmare trying to examine this kid because he thrashed around, punched, kicked, and screamed. Dad swore his behavior is "fine". Dad says "oh, he talks a lot at home." right. According to Dad, there is "nothing wrong with my son. He's just going at his own pace."

Coincidentally, I saw the mom later in the day with one of their older children. Just before she left she said, "Now, please don't tell me I'm crazy. Everyone says I am. But, I think there's something wrong with my son." Halleluah! Yes! We do too! It didn't take much convincing to get her to agree to an appointment with a neurologist (which isn't until December, unfortunately). She has done some of her own research on the internet and suspects something in the autism spectrum or Prader-Willy Syndrome. All are things we in the office had discussed as possible causes for his language delay and inability to deviate from routine. My fear is that mom will go home and dad will immediately control the situation again. Even if they go to the neurologist, who knows if dad will ever accept that his son has a problem that needs to be dealt with? Mom is already on that road, I think. I just hope she's strong enough to know when she needs to do what's best for her son and ignore the pig-headed dad.

Argh!!!!

Okay, all of that is off my chest now. I feel better. Whew!

October 3, 2007 12:22pm

2007-10-03T11:18:00.000-05:00

Since I'm on my peds rotation right now, I'm feeling the urge to bitch about some kiddie related things. I'm only on a lunch break at the moment, so I will have to continue when I get home later.

The doctor I'm working with wants to write a book called "How to Raise a Brat". A How-To on raising a child to be the most needy, annoying, misbehaved adult possible. He's only half joking about this. It almost seems as if some parents are actually striving to achieve this with their children.

Remember when you were a kid and got it into your head that everyone hated you because you weren't allowed to use the china to serve mud pies (assuming you had parents who were smart enough to not let you serve mud pies on the china and have limits on what is toy vs. not toy), and you'd tie some of your toys up in a blanket, attach it to a broom handle, and head off into the world on your own? I was about 6 the first time I got it into my head to run away. I made it to the end of the driveway. Nobody went chasing after me (though probably someone watched me from the window). If I told my mom I hated her and she was the worst mommy in the world, she didn't go running after me, begging for me to forgive her and telling me that she loves me oh so much.

I walked to the end of the driveway and sat. I sat until my butt got cold and then I came back inside. Then, I had to apologize to my mom for talking to her that way.

There is a bit of parenting advice here. Maybe a kid just needs some alone time. Just a bit of space to have a fit. Most importantly....the kid does not rule the show.

I see so many parents in the office who seem to just let their kids run the house. Then, the mom is "so overwhelmed!". Well, gee, I wonder why. You're letting a 4 year old boss you around.

I know some kinds have real behavior problems (more on that after lunch), but some kids just need some discipline in their home! Good grief! I know spanking is a hot topic for some people. But for pete's sake, nobody will fault you for yelling at your kid when they misbehave. There's a kid in the office who is tugging at my stethoscope around my neck and ripping the BP cuff off the wall, and mom is saying in a sweet voice, "Now, Billy, don't do that. Billy. Don't do that. Billy, mommy is asking nicely. Can you please not do that?"

Billy isn't paying a bit of attention. How about the "Mom Eye" and a big loud, "Billy! YOU QUIT DOING THAT RIGHT NOW. SIT DOWN IN THAT CHAIR AND BE QUIET WHILE THE DR EXAMINES YOUR SISTER."

The tone of one's voice is far more important than the words used. Though, in this case, billy is 8 years old and is old enough to understand the message of "Sit down and be quiet". The speaking softly to one's children deal just doesn't seem to be working for little Billy! Does mom think that Billy will just crumble to pieces and be doomed to a shrink's couch if she gives him a stern look and a yell?

And then I think some of these kids get labeled as "bad kids", or people think they have an attention problem....when it's really just that nobody has ever made them even try to sit still and behave. Kids aren't just born knowing how to behave. Well, sure, some are. Some are the perfect children from birth. But most need some rules and limits so they can learn how to behave.

If we have to go to war 20 years from now, I think we're doomed. There's going to be a whole generation of wimps who never had to deal with disappointment or consequences. They get a trophy for just showing up to the game and are so used to people cheering them on that as adults they don't get why nobody is cheering for them.

This is not an exaggeration. There was an article in the Wall Street Journal recently about companies having problems with new, young employees. They expect to be rewarded for everything they do. One young man came to work every day on time for a year. He wanted to know why he wasn't given some special recognition for that.

Oy!

Okay, back to my social research.....

September 30, 2007 3:14pm

2007-09-30T14:11:00.000-05:00

My family is dysfunctional.

I know, I know... everyone's family is dysfunctional in some way.

The problem with mine is that nobody admits to the fact that we are a mess.

The motto of my family seems to be "act as if..."

Act as if nobody is bitter for things that happened to them 45 years ago. Act as if there is no unspoken animosity between one brother and a brother-in-law because of his drinking and occasional outbursts. Act as if we actually want to be around each other when we're really just trying to eat as quickly as possible to get back to our private, solitary lives.

I love my family. I really do. It makes me absolutely crazy to sit in the insanity of it all, though.

Those of you familiar with my Big Fat Thanksgiving Dinner episodes already know some of this.

There's my mom... educated, stable, sensible, and unable to admit that there are any problems...EVER. Everything is fine. She criticizes families that do not "get along", yet she's completely blind to the fact that our own family is filled with anger and tension. I admire families that don't get along and are open about it. At least it's honest.

My uncle will never admit that he's still angry that his father left when he was 5. He will never admit that he's bitter about the way he was raised by my grandmother, and a very female-centered family. He will never admit that he feels like my grandmother always resented men and, therefore, him. He will never admit that he feels like his whole life was miserable because he was raised without the influence of a man. Instead, he makes occasional cynical remarks about his childhood....seemingly out of nowhere. "I heard that Osama has a few dozen children. Imagine being the child of someone so awful?" Well, at least they get to HAVE a father and know where he is! Don't tell me they have a tough life. I KNOW what it's like to grow up without a father. I could do the Osama-dad deal in my sleep. Sheesh!

That's a slight exaggeration, but you get the general idea.

My aunt will never admit that she is bitter that she never had children. She will never admit that she never intended to work, and always wanted the life of the good little wife and mother at home. Not being able to have children threw off that whole plan. She resents any woman who has children and is unhappy for even a moment. How dare someone be unhappy when they have something she could never have? She's angry that she has had to work all these years. She will never admit that her husband has a drinking problem. That he can't go a day without liquor. He says totally inappropriate things. He doesn't know how to behave in public. He cuts people down who have an opinion different from his (particularly me). He is extremely anxious, almost to the point of paranoia when it comes to worrying about money, politics, events, work, whatever.

God forbid anyone ever gets some therapy for their problems. I swear I'm going to have to start crushing Xanax into everyone's food when they come to my house...just to take the edge off.

Nobody will admit that these problems exist.

I try my best to deal with it.

I'm going to be having my family over to my house for our Christmas Eve Wigilia celebration this year. I look forward to the decorating and the cooking. I like putting a small gift at everyone's place setting. I enjoy doing all of this even though I know what is going to happen. If I cook something even remotely interesting or try a new recipe, it will be met with an attitude that just makes me want to vomit. I am treated like a child bringing a peanut butter and bologna sandwich to the table for everyone to share. It's as if they are saying "Oh, how cute. The little one used the stove all by herself!"

The actual comments are more like, "Oh, this is interesting. Why did you decide to make this?" or "Since when do we eat Lamb in this family?" or "Well, I'm usually not too crazy about this. It's not my favorite type of food. Why do we have to have food like this?" For the love of Fabio! I just put some capers on the salmon before baking it! You'd think I brought in jellyfish or something from Fear Factor.

Between courses (Wigilia is a 7 course meal), nobody wants to sit and relax and talk. No, no no. "Okay, let's get the next course out now!" "Let's get this going!" "Let's get this show on the road!"

As soon as dessert is done, everyone is out the door before the last person has drained their coffee cup.

Last Christmas, I put a small gift at everyone's place setting. We haven't exchanged gifts as a family for years, and a gift at everyone's setting is something that I remember having when I was a small child having Wigilia in my grandmother's house. So last Christmas Eve I hosted Wigilia myself and everyone got a mug with my school's insignia on it, and a few of those scratch-off lottery tickets in the mug. Not a very expensive item, but I thought it was a nice little surprise at everyone's place setting.

Here were some of the comments I heard"
"Oh, why did you do this?"
"What am I supposed to do with this?"
"I didn't know we were exchanging gifts again!"
"I thought we weren't doing gifts anymore."

Only after all of that settled out, and after I had to explain myself for why I decided to give everyone a small gift did I hear the first "Thank you, Elizabeth."

Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment. This year I am going to do the same thing. Everyone will be getting a small coffee grinder (one per couple), a tablespoon coffee scoop, and a bag of my new favorite coffee, Boca Java. I'm really excited about this because I get to introduce my family to something that I really enjoy.

On the other hand, I'm really dreading the comments I might hear.
"Oh, we have soooo much coffee! I bought 10 cans of Folgers when it was on sale at Pathmark!"
"We never grind our own coffee. It's too much trouble."
"What prompted this?" what the hell does that even mean? every time I do something for my family they say this, though!
"Oh, so we have to grind our own coffee now? Guess you thought we didn't know how to make our own! Ha Ha Ha!" an attempt at sarcasm

Sigh

If anyone would like to join me for Wigilia, please come to Manasquan. I would be happy to have a few more at my table. Particularly someone who would like their own coffee grinder and kick-ass freshly roasted beans.

Pictures from Canaan!!

2007-09-30T14:00:00.000-05:00

They still have the ski lift open so you can go to the top of the mountain. The whole ride up, I kept wondering how strong those cables were and how likely it was that we would go crashing to our death.

Apparently, Roger didn't have the same concern.

How can you not love a place that puts a rubber duckie in your bathroom?

September 26, 2007 5:32pm

2007-09-26T16:28:00.000-05:00

Woke up to this in my email...

Hi My Elizabeth,
Good Morning, My Love. I woke up this morning and I realized that I miss you more than ever.

I can't wait until I go home to you, I hold you in my arms every night, I wake up next to you every morning.

I love you!

"Your" Roger

::giggle::: :::snort::::

September 23, 2007 3:01pm

2007-09-23T13:58:00.001-05:00

Roger came down for the weekend. We went to Canaan Valley resort (pictures to follow soon). Had a lovely time. Relaxed, ate some good food, hiked, swam, relaxed some more.

I have my panties in a bunch right now because I am wondering why certain people can't return phone calls. You call people to, say, just chat for a bit, tell them some news, wish them happy birthday, or whatever....and they never bother to return the call. I don't mean just not that day, I mean not for weeks and weeks...or ever.

WTF?

September 20, 2007 8:26pm

2007-09-20T19:22:00.000-05:00

Remember Dr. Krazy who I mentioned a few times?

Well, the shit finally hit the fan.

Here's the short version:
I notified my school about his abusive behavior toward me and toward his staff. I was quickly pulled off the rotation and reassigned to a different doctor in the same specialty. An investigation soon began and I was asked to give an official statement about my experiences with Dr. Krazy.

Shortly after, members of his office staff were also called up to administration and asked to give statements on their experiences with him.

At this point, I began to feel terrible. While I was relieved to be off that rotation, his staff was taking even more abuse as he became suspicious that the administration was out for him. Monday was the day that staff members were called to give statements.

Tuesday he abruptly resigned. Nobody knows the details. He had a full day of patients scheduled and he planned to see them, as well as have office hours for the rest of the week. Early in the day, he was called away for an "emergency". Shortly after noon, we were informed that he resigned. Within an hour, the door codes were changed and his name was removed from the building before the next day.

There seems to be a mixed reaction at the hospital. It has created quite a bit of turmoil because now there isn't anyone to do certain medical tests. This creates a huge compliance issue for the hospital, not to mention financial difficulties.

I feel terrible. His remaining staff now are fearful for their jobs. They worry that if another doctor isn't found soon,, they will be out of a job. I don't really see this happening, but it is a very real fear for them. One of the nurses from his office won't even look at me now. On the other hand, his PA is smiling brightly. The nursing supervisor at the hospital gave me a hug and thanked me the day this all happened.

I feel a little like Norma Rae, but less sweaty and without a kerchief tied to my head.

I also feel like I created a disaster. I feel like this is all my fault. I really just wanted to get myself out of a bad situation, and if I was able to help other people not be abused at work then all the better. But now it seems that isn't what anyone wanted.

September 16, 2007 12:35pm

2007-09-16T11:32:00.000-05:00

I am always being told that I am going into medicine at the "right time".

Am I really?

First, is there ever, truly, a "bad time" to go into a field that will never lose its usefullness? Is it ever a bad time to go into something, such as, the funeral business? "Oh, this is a bad time for the funeral business. Not many dead people these days."

On the other hand, do people think this is a particularly good time to go into medicine just because healthcare is a hot topic? Wouldn't that mean that now is also the time to get into the mortgage business?

I worry that I am of the wrong personality type to go into medicine as it is now, and how I fear it will be in the future. With the 2008 election looming and the she-devil Hillary presenting her absurd plan to get our government even more involved in healthcare, I feel like senators will be making decisions on a patient's health more than the physicians. I already see shades of that when Prescription A isn't covered on someone's formulary, but Prescription B is...even though I know that Prescription A is waaay better for this particular patient.

Why are we so willing to give up our freedom in choosing our care? Because it is perceived to be "free"? It is not free. Imagine making about 25% less than you do now. Look at your paycheck after taxes. Take off an extra 20-25%. That's what you would take home. Lovely.

The expansion of SCHIP and its adorable commercials with cherubic children asking for their school shots is equally nauseating. They don't show the not-so-cherubic 25 year old still-living-at-home-while-attending-community-college-and-working-at-Starbucks who is also eligible for this "children's" health plan. They also fail to mention that the money for it is coming directly from Medicare Advantage (more like DisAdvantage).

And in the frightening statistic of "45 million people uninsured", why do they fail to mention the percentage of them who are illegals and, therefore, should not be eligible for anything anyway! Or what about those who have health insurance available to them through their work but they choose to not get it because they think they are young and healthy and would rather buy an xbox? Let's look at more realistic numbers before we decide to create major overhauls of the current system and give our government yet even more control over our personal health decisions.

Even more absurd is the notion of a person who has made his money by suing the healthcare industry an office in the White House and the authority to decide that everyone needs to see a doctor. Preventive care is all peachy keen in theory, but the jury is still out on the cost effectiveness of it.

I don't know what the best solution is. I do know that the ones currently being presented aren't it.

My idea? Everyone purchases and super duper high deductable insurance plan and then gets to put before tax dollars into a health savings account that rolls over from year to year. For most people, this will get you through your yearly physical, the occasional Tylenol (just save your receipts and you can be reimbursed from your HSA), a minor kitchen accident, and a sinus infection. If, heaven forbid, you get really really sick, you will run through that deductable in a New York minute and your insurance will kick in.

The truth is that most people, particularly young people, don't get very sick. I know as well as anyone that there are exceptions to that. But I don't think anyone can argue that the majority of people under the age of 40 or even 50 do not have major medical problems.

And then on the other end of things is the money spent on caring for the elderly. Maybe we, as physicians, need a more realistic plan for what to do with our patients. Why do a test on someone when you know you will not do anything about the result? For example, someone is 85 years old, has diabetes, hypertension, and conjestive heart failure. If they have colon cancer, they would not be a good surgical candidate. So, why do a colonoscopy on them? Why put them through the torture of that, and the expense of that just to say "yup, you have a tumor. no surgery for you, though." Your management of them would be no different if you didn't know what was wrong with them to begin with anyway!

I saw a woman a few weeks ago in the office who had a very slow heart rate. She is in her 70's, demented, and sits in a wheelchair all day, stares at the ceiling and hums. The only thing the cardiologist could recommend was a pacemaker and an implantable defibrilator. After explaining to her family what all of this would mean, they quickly agreed to send her off for surgery. Her daughter was wearing a t-shirt that had "You Must Be Joking" printed on it. I sincerely wished she understood the irony of that. Those were my thoughts exactly as she was telling me how she just wanted to get mom's heart better. "You must be joking." Mom doesn't know who you are! $30,000 later she will go home from the hospital, just to continue sitting in the chair, staring at the ceiling, and humming.

I wouldn't begrudge her right to have this surgery, but I do wonder about the ethics of it. I also wonder about the ethics of spending that kind of money on someone who is in her condition. On the other hand, it is the right of her and her family to go through with this, as idiotic as it may be. But if we lose our personal choice in our care by hanging over the responsibility of all payment to our government.....would she even be able to make that decision? Would the long shot ever even be tried? Doubtful.

September 15, 2007 7:01pm

2007-09-15T17:57:00.000-05:00

To all Bad Guys in the area:

I had to break two windows and bust through a screen today to get into my house after locking myself out. Please do not try to break into this house until after I have had a fair chance at repairing the damages. It really would not be very polite of you to do that, since I have had a very rough day now. Also, I am a student and make no money. I really don't have anything of much great value here. It would not be worth your time or effort (though at the moment, no great effort would be required) to get inside. You might even decide to leave me something if you did get in.

Thank you

One more thing, I have a boyfriend and I'm not afraid to use him.

September 15, 2007 3:58pm

2007-09-15T14:54:00.000-05:00

Time for some updates.....

1) Dr. Krazy's bullshit grated on me just a bit too much. I reported his antics to my school, and they pulled me off his rotation the next day. He then proceeded to make a total ass of himself by accusing my school of being racist. He said that they moved me to a new Dr because they found a "white" doctor.

I felt a little bad because I've never wanted to be that woman, but I think this was justified. The hospital is currently investigating his atrocious behavior.

2) I went home for Labor Day Weekend. Spent some lovely time with Roger.

Roger took this picture of our shadows on the beach. :-)

3) Congratulations to my beautiful (and older :-X) niece, Macon. She is now engaged! Looks like there will be a wedding coming up!

4) The new Dr I am working with is quite nice. Not the kind of person you'd hang out with and have a beer, but it is a much better situation than what I was in. At least I'm not taking daily abuse.

5) The weather here in WV has become just beautiful. Bright, warm sun and 59 degrees. I am quite content here right now.

6) My hands shake. I thought this was always completely normal until I tried to remove a mole from someone's back and my hands were shaking all over the place. Doc asked me if I was nervous....nope...that's just how my hands are. Isn't everyone's like that? Apparently not. My official diagnosis is "Benign Essential Tremor." It means that a career in neurosurgery is totally out for me. This makes me feel old, you see, because I thought only old people had the shakes. Oh well. It just means I now can get out of doing things that involve sharp objects.

I think that's all for now. I'm kinda lonely here this weekend, so any calls or emails would be greatly appreciated.

September 5, 2007 7:12pm

2007-09-05T18:08:00.000-05:00

First rotation down. Now I'm onto Internal Medicine. The doc I'm with is a bit of a nut. He is from Pakistan. That information would not be important except for that he makes it a point to mention several times each day how he's better than "white people". Day one of my rotation started off with, "All white people have Herpes. did you know that?"

Interestingly enough, he is married to a white woman. At the end of that first day when he asked me what I learned I said, "All white people have Herpes. You are married to a white woman. Therefore, you have Herpes."

The fun just went on from there.

I really dislike people like him. I don't like people who don't understand the difference between funny and offensive.

I also don't like how he talks to his patients, particularly his female patients. As soon as a female patient has a question or a problem regarding anything that he is uncomfortable with, he immediately says, "Oh, I will get my PA to talk to you. she does the female stuff."

Female stuff? Dude, checking an old guy's prostate isn't exactly the highlight of my day, but I know it has to be done.

Yesterday, one of his patients said to me "I've never talked to anyone like I'm talking to you right now. Especially not at a Dr's office." That made me feel good, but also sad knowing that this doc isn't opening that door for his patients, and I was able to do it without even really putting in too much effort.

Today he dismissed a patient from his practice, and I feel responsible. The grandaughter of the patient tore into me when I was in the room along with them. To make a long story short, this guy has bad emphysema. He gets winded easily, and his grandaughter wants him to have a portable oxygen tank. Medicare requires that your resting oxygen saturation be around 87% before you are eligible for that to be paid for. He is still way about that. Grandaughter didn't like that answer and made some remarks indicating that she will hold Dr. K personally responsible if her grandfather dies.

After she tore into me about the expensive medications grandpa has to take, and jumped all over me when I asked if he was smoking (I could smell it on him and if you smoke and have an oxygen tank with you it might BLOW UP so that was important information), I then listened to a 5 minute rant that grandpa made on every religion in the world. No idea where that came from other than the fact that he has a history of psychiatric illness. I went out into the hallway and told Dr. K about what happened in there. We went back in together. He adjusted the man's medications and then told him and grandaughter that they need to find another doctor. He then walked out of the room and dictated a letter to the secretary to put in the mail today dismissing this guy from his practice.

I guess I understand why having someone like that around is a liability, but I still felt responsible. On the other hand, once I looked through his chart more I realized that this office has been providing him with free medications via samples for the last 2 years, as well as bending over backwards to get him outside referrals and other services he needed. Sooooo, maybe this outburst was just the last straw.

On that note, I'm going to hit the books.

August 22, 2007 7:54pm

2007-08-22T18:51:00.000-05:00

Good news..... I passed my medical board exam. Woo hoo! On to Step 2 in another year.

right now, I am sitting in The Daily Grind. I feel like I am the oldest person here by a generation, but I know that isn't quite true. Buckhannon is a college town so this place is crawling with college students every evening.

My first rotation is coming to a close. I feel like I have learned a lot, but I am also excited to move on to something new. I start Internal Medicine on Tuesday.

I wish I had a talent like singing or painting. Something I could do and people would "ooooh" and "aahahh" over what I accomplished. right now, the only "aaahhh"s I get are when I am looking at someone's tonsils.

Also, if I was a singer, my permanent spot here in the coffee house would be much more fitting.

I don't fit here. I don't fit in this town. I don't fit in this kind of life. I am much more comfortable at home, but I also think that I don't fit there very well either. I'm somewhere between the suburban life of Manasquan and the country life of West Virginia. I'm not into the upscale lifestyle of the people back home, but I also am not content with staying within the confines of small town life entirely.

It took me a long time to get comfortable in my own skin. I always felt that there was something wrong with me and I needed to change to be more "normal". Now I realize that I am just fine where I am, I just need to find where I fit.

August 16, 2007 11:08pm

2007-08-16T22:09:00.000-05:00

Feeling blissfully peaceful right now.

I really look forward to every day and what new people I will see.

I look forward to my nightly phone calls with Roger.

I look forward to going home soon.

I did laundry tonight and that made me feel clean and organized.

I at at a coffee house tonight and did some reading. I really enjoyed being somewhere other than in my house. The Daily Grind isn't quite as friendly and fun as The Wild Bean, my favorite hangout in Lewisburg, but it will have to do while I am here.

Maybe when I go back to NJ I can open my own coffee house in the style of The Wild Bean.

Sigh.

August 4, 2007 8:37pm

2007-08-04T19:38:00.000-05:00

I know I have a problem with being obsessive. This has been well documented and known by those closest to me for a long time.

But where is the line between being irrationally obsessive and being bothered by a legitimate issue?

Why am I getting myself all worked up over something that I can't really do anything about right now anyway?

Am I reading too much into all this, or do I have a right to be annoyed?

August 3, 2007 8:50pm

2007-08-03T19:50:00.000-05:00

More thoughts on what I posted on earlier....

It's not just the trip down here. It's a culmination of things.

I feel like for a while now she has gone out of her way to do things for and to spend time with friends who she has only known for a few years.... yet she isn't there for people (namely, me since I'm the one bitching about this) who have known her the longest.

It really burns my ass when in conversation after conversation I hear, "Oh, I miss you. When are you coming home again? I can't wait to see you." I will be home from xx until xx. "Great! We'll hang out." Fine. Then, when I'm home there's always something else that came up and it's ALMOST ALWAYS because she's doing a favor for someone else or helping someone else with something. Someone else who didn't drive 500 miles to be with her when her world got turned upside down. Someone else who didn't search high and low for dirt on a dirtbag so she wouldn't have to get hurt. Someone else who hasn't known her through about 10 different hairstyles, jean sizes, bad days, good days, graduations, jobs, men, fights with parents, broken bones, illness, and assorted other life nonsense.

I feel like I have a stick up my ass just for saying all of this, but I'm at a loss for what to do right now.

August 3, 2007 2:53pm

2007-08-03T13:53:00.000-05:00

Things are returning to normal now that my board exam is over. It will be about 4 weeks before I have the results. Let's not talk about that just now.

I have a totally free weekend. Today I have off and no major studying or assignments for the upcoming 2 days. I'm going to catch up with Harry Potter, and do my QVC Zombie dance. It involves me sitting on the couch in a trance, unable to change the channel for fear of missing something wonderful.

I am sorely in need of a haircut. This always presents a problem for me when I am out of state. Nobody cuts it quite right...the way the girl who has been cutting my hair for 10 years does it.

Sigh.

I also am in a bit of a quandry. I'm feeling a little hurt by a friend, but I'm trying to not feel that way. The short version is that I drove home last weekend to be with her during a really, really difficult time. Months ago, there was a plan in the works for her and another friend to come down here and visit for a weekend. That all seems to have fallen through. Yet, she's going to another state (a shorter trip by 2-ish hours) to visit a friend....but won't come here because she's too nervous to make the drive herself to somewhere she has never been before. While I understand this is a tough time for her, I am a little annoyed that I'm treated this way. I mean shit, I wasn't thrilled to drive home in a rainstorm making a 6 hour drive into an 11 hour drive, but I did it anyway because I wouldn't have felt right about not doing it. Maybe I just don't understand fear of something like driving somewhere. I live in West Virginia, not Beiruit.

Though, I guess it extends to other events as well. Not this past summer, but the one before... I was home for about 2 months. Before I came home I kept hearing, "Oh, we'll spend so much time together blah blah blah..." then over the two months I was home I saw her all of 2 times. We made plans for more than that, but she often canceled on me or was out with other people/other plan she made.

Now, I don't expect to be the center of anyone's world. When I say I'm going to do something I generally do it unless some force beyond my control is holding me back.

Like I said, I'm trying to not be mad or hurt, and I'm not really either of those. I don't know how I feel. Maybe a little irritated. I just don't know.

Similarly, there are other things that annoy me. Like when we talk, the conversation is often just a 20 minute chat. Yet, when some new guy comes along she tells me about how she's on the phone for hours, or stays up until all hours of the night/morning talking. Doesn't do the same with girlfriends, though.

Back in September when I had my meltdown, this was all part of it. In fact, it's in the shrink's notes. "Feeling abandoned by friends." I thought that was an interesting interpretation of my complaint about someone not making time to visit with me after saying they will. Abandoned seems like such a harsh word.

I know she appreciates me because she does do things to show me that and she tells me that often. I know I shouldn't feel abandoned or neglected or anything like that. I'm sure it isn't intentional, and she's such a kind-hearted soul that I don't even want to bring it up for fear of hurting her.

My philosophy has always been that men can come and go, but your close girlfriends are like your sisters and they are always there to stay. Much like with sisters, you get annoyed at things they do but accept them for who they are.

July 22, 2007 4:07pm

2007-07-22T15:07:00.000-05:00

Just a few quick thoughts because I have to get back to the books.

I am absolutely loving my rotation with this doc. Every day is a blast. I'm excited to see every patient (even the stinky ones), and I go home every night excited to read up on something new.

Been trying to get back to working out a little. Mostly walking and stretching. My attempt to quit the anti-depressants didn't go as well as I would have liked, so I'm back on that and trying to boost those natural endorphins.

Roger came down to visit for a few days. He just left today and he will be back again on Thursday! Guess the boy just can't get enough of me. :-P

July 14, 2007 8:18pm

2007-07-14T19:18:00.001-05:00

How does a person not notice that all three of their children are infested with lice? I don't just mean that they picked it up at school a day ago and nobody really saw the nits.... I mean that your 8 year old daughter has (literally, yes I said "literally) THOUSANDS of lice in her head. They have been there so long that her scalp has these raw, red patches where the bugs have EATEN away at her skin.

Your other two kids have bugs on them too (though not as many), and even you have some nits in your hair.

How, may I ask, does this not come to your attention long before the situation gets this bad? And how, may I ask, is it possible that this problem is only identified when you bring the aforementioned 8 year old to the Dr. for her WELL CHILD VISIT??

What pissed me off about this is that the mother here is just too stupid to know any better. She's not mean or cruel or intentionally neglectful....she's just stupid.

It also burned my ass that these kids all had a "medical card" aka Medicaid, mom gets WIC support for the little one, they're on food stamps and yet the oldest daughter (13ish) and mom both have CELL PHONES?!?! How in the Hell does someone who has no job, whose husband has no job because, you see, he has a "back injury" and couldn't possibly work manage to pay for CELL PHONES?!!

Actually, I should rephrase that. Why the fuck are the rest of us paying for the cell phones of people like this? When did a cell phone (particularly one for a teenager) become a necessity like electricity and running water?

And furthermore, how does one in this situation have the audacity to answer the question, "Do you work?" with "Oh no, I'm able to stay home with the kids!" ABLE? ABLE? Right. No. ABLE to stay home would be if your husband made a decent enough living that you didn't HAVE to get a job. Since your husband has this non-descript "back injury" and won't work, nobody seems to be able to get actual health insurance and you can't buy your own food, I'd say that ABLE to stay home is stretching it just a bit.

Besides, what the hell are you doing at home all day with them in terms of raising your kids if you don't even notice that they are INFESTED with lice?

I walked out of that exam room just wanting to take a shower and de-louse myself immediately. I felt a combination of anger and pity.

Just to round off the day, behind door #2 was a woman with her baby in for a check-up. This was her 4th baby. The first 3 had been taken away from her over the past few years by Child Protective Services. Doc said that after they took the 3rd one, he asked the mom what she planned to do to straighten up her life to get them back. She replied, "It doesn't matter. I'll just have another one." Sure enough, she did.

My closing thought for the day: Mandatory Sterilization

July 8, 2007 3:04pm

2007-07-08T14:04:00.001-05:00

Yeah, I suck.

But I've been busy!

I moved. I moved from the one little town in WV to another little town in WV. My first two or three days here, I hated it. I hated it so much I was practically crying on the phone with Roger. My house had no AC, my stove/oven was so old that it had a pilot light that regularly went out, the floors are crooked, the cabinets don't close right, the bathroom is tiny, and it hasn't been cleaned since WWI.

With a little help (okay, a lot of help) from SuperMom, I got a new oven, some AC's installed, the place spic and span, and generally settled in. I hate it slightly less now.

My first clinical rotation (Family Medicine) began last week. I'm enjoying it. The doc is cool. He wears jeans and t-shirts to work every day. He's very laid back. He is a very practical kind of doc, and I like that. He does have some odd ideas, though. He told a patient not to use deodorant because he thinks it causes breast cancer. I wasn't in a position to argue with him, but whatever, I won't hold that one thing against him. (by the way, that link has never been proven by any studies, he's just going on a hunch)

I took some pictures of the house that I will put up when I get around to it. I especially want everyone to see how the previous rocket scientist renters had billowly curtains over the gas stove. What the hell kind of a dummy does that?

I also can't figure out how the heaters work. Not that I need heat right now, but I'm curious for future reference.

The neighborhood is okay, except for the rehab/halfway house that's a block away. There's also someone's home that looks like it should not be legal to inhabit it. There are more windows with missing glass panes than ones that have glass. There seems to be electricity. The place is painted 6 different colors, bit it's badly chipped. The front stairs and porch are caving in. The porch is covered...and I mean covered in assorted trash ranging from children's toys, lumber, and a chain saw. I'd love to take a picture of it, but I'm afraid someone might shoot me from the attic window.

Roger came down for a few days this past week. He just left a bit ago. It was wonderful having him here. We were up until 4:30am today just laughing. I don't think I've ever laughed with somebody so much as I do with him. I love that we can talk about anything and everything. I love that he is probably the only man I've ever been with who is brilliant. :-) We are a good match.

June 18, 2007 6:35pm

2007-06-18T17:35:00.000-05:00

I know....I know.....

A thousand lashings with a wet noodle.

I've been busy, though! School was done, I came home to NJ, been studying for my board exam, had a mini-meltdown, rescheduled the board exam for July, feeling better now.

In the midst of all that, I have been enjoying my time in lovely New Jersey. I don't care how many jokes other people make, I love it here. I love my house, I love my friends, I love my neighborhood, I love the beach, and I just love everything.

I'm having my driveway torn up because what was there was crappy. The town code enforcement gestapo decided to play games with me, but a white tank top on a cold day seemed to get the code enforcer to suddenly be less of a dick head when he was in my front yard.

I filled out an application to volunteer for a dog rescue, and then became disillusioned when one of the women from it seemed less than enthusiastic to have me come out there since I'm only home for another few days. I'm not entirely sure, but I can only imagine it might be because by the time she shows me the ropes I will be leaving, but I told her I'd be home for a month at Christmas and then I will be home for good in 10 months. I don't think the problem of stray and unwanted dogs will suddenly be over in 10 months.

I'm so allergic to cats that I said I could really only work with the dogs. On the web site, they mentioned that they need people to come out and walk the dogs, play with the dogs, and do assorted chores. I was really looking forward to doing this for my last few days home (as a mental break from studying), but maybe I will just hold off until Christmas time when I'm home for a month and have more free time.

I also offered to transport dogs if they needed. I noticed that they get dogs from kill shelters in WV, VA and other states. I said that if that was needed, I could arrange to do that on a weekend if the place is in WV or VA since I am close. I also got little to no enthusiasm for my offer.

Sigh.

Then, they asked me if I would ever be interested in fostering dogs. The answer is yes, but not until I get home for good. I want a pup of my own, but I would be willing to take on one more as a foster and possibly 2 eventually. Still, no excitement for my offer. I got "Well, we have a lot more than 1 or 2 at a time who need a home." Well no shit, but that's what I think I can handle right now. Is helping a little bit no good? Is it better to help a whole lot or not at all? This is just something that I wanted to do because I enjoy the animals, not something I want to dedicate my entire life to like the people who run this rescue. Can't there be room for me too? :-(

double sigh.

Roger and I had a fabulous evening together in Philly. We went to The Rittenhouse for dinner and then we went to see Glenn Beck's one man show. A really nice night. I looked awesome. It felt good to get dressed up and have someone take me out for a grown-up night. Yanno, I don't think I've ever had a night like that before. Also of interest was when a woman with her boyfriend in the parking garage elevator with us after show commented on how she felt better about her shirt when she noticed that my boobs were hanging out too.

I then proceeded to get the worst migraine I have ever had in my life. It was partially (well, totally) my fault since I spent the day eating every migraine trigger food imaginable. The headache was so bad, I considered having Roger take me to the hospital, but I wanted to try some Aleve first. After being unable to find a pharmacy, Roger very sweetly stopped at a gas station that had a convenience store. It was in a super-shady place. When he got out of the car, he left it running and told me to lock the doors behind him. He went up to the counter where the man at the register gets you want you want and then takes your money through a bullet-proof revolving lazy susan type thing. Shady people were all over, and a homeless man tried to polish Roger's hubcaps. When Roger got back in the car, I begged him to take me back to where the white people were. "We don't belong here!" I cried out.

Obviously, we made it out of there alive.

Also in news of my life, I got my ears pierced. No, I never had them pierced before. Brooke went with me and took pictures, so as soon as she gets back home to Hawaii I expect her to email me the pictures. We went to Tattoo City and a very cool guy did it for me. The pain wasn't as bad as the crunch noise. I was not expecting that. I was also not expecting that it would still hurt days later. I thought it was a one time "ouch" and then was all better. Nay, my friend. There have been days of plasma oozing, itching, and assorted discomfort. It's not infected or anything, it's just part of the healing process that I hadn't really thought through.

That's all the exciting stuff I can think of for now. I will try to update more often because it's hard to remember everything all at once.

May 21, 2007 5:02pm

2007-05-21T16:01:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling nostalgic for something I've never had.

Recently, I've been missing my dad. I've had these moments where I think about how great it would be if he were alive to share it with me. I wish he was around so I could talk to him about something. I wish he was there to see all the awesome cooking I've been doing. I wish I could share a museum or art gallery with him.

But when he was alive, I was never able to do those things with him. He was a difficult man and we didn't always get along. Most conversations ended in an argument, and it was rare that we shared a friendly moment.

So why am I now missing something that I never had? Maybe I just answered my own question.

May 15, 2007 12:59am

2007-05-14T23:58:00.000-05:00

A professor at my school died over the weekend. He was young, it was sudden, everyone is in shock.

For some strange reason, nobody will tell us anything about why or how he died. He leaves behind a fiancee and 2 children from a previous marriage.

Yes, it's all very sad. What is annoying me is that students seem to be using this as an excuse to act even more bratty than they usually do. Shouldn't this be one of those moments when you say, "Wow, my life really isn't so bad. Maybe I should start appreciating more."

No, apprently not.

It's just a continuation of their favorite hobby.....bitching.

Bitching about everything and everyone. Bitching about having to be here, bitching about having to be there, bitching about assignments, bitching about tests, bitching about schedules.

They all think they already know better. Hey, how about having an open mind and maybe, just maybe, when someone who has been in practice for the last 15 years tells you something you consider that it just might be worth listening to. Let's just go out on a limb and say that maybe someone who has never set foot in a hospital other than as a visitor really doesn't have a fucking clue what goes on and this is supposed to all be a learning experience for them. Dashing in with all these ideas of "well, this is how it's going to be when I'm there...." will just make you look foolish.

Know what else hate? People who seem to be confrontational or argumentative about everything I say
For example:
Me: I'm having a hard time with this particular subject. I hope I did well on the test.
Other person: I'm sure I did well. This isn't difficult.
Me: Medical school isn't difficult?
OP: No, it's mostly just common sense.
Me: Well, I like going to class
OP: It's just a waste of time.
Me: I'm looking forward to starting rotations and being able to start using some of the skills I've learned
OP: They better not criticize me because I'm not gonna take any of that shit.
Me: Constructive criticism isn't so bad.
OP: I know what I'm doing already. I have a plan. My life fits into a plan. I know where I'm going
Me: Well, I do too, I think. I mean school is going well and it looks like I've got that whole career thing mostly figured out for now.
OP: Well, there's no point in you having a relationship because there's no reason to get married?
Me: Wha?
OP: Well, by the time we finish school you're going to be too old.
Me: Old?
OP: Yeah, I mean, after residency and stuff you'll be like 30.
Me: Right.
OP: Well, I wouldn't want to have, like a retarded kid, and that's what you get after 30.
Me: I've been getting tutoring from Dr.xxx for board review. It's been helpful.
OP: I think he's an arrogant ass.
Me: Well, he's been really helpful.
OP: He thinks he's really smart
Me: Well.....he is, actually.
OP: Yeah, I hate him.

How can you hate someone you don't even know? How can you have a dislike for someone so strong that you can call it hate for someone who you only know from the 1-2 hours/week they have lectured to you? How is it possible to have so much extra energy that you can have an opinion on absolutely EVERYONE and EVERYTHING?!?!?!?!?!

Mind you, this is a abbreviated form of several conversations I have had with someone.

Sigh.

And this someone is a friend.

Not that long ago, I was in a really, really dark place and I hated it. I hated that I couldn't enjoy every second of my life (well, nobody enjoys every second, but you get the idea). I hated that I felt useless. I hated having no energy, no happiness.

And now I'm in a completely different place. I'm excited for every day to come. I look forward to tomorrow, and the next day.

So why the hell am I made to feel guilty? "made" is aprobably the wrong word. I don't think anyone is trying to make me feel guilty. But whenever I don't bitch about everything and everyone, and have a hate for everything and everyone, I have to hear from everyone else about all the stuff they hate and all the people they hate.

Why can't anyone find something positive about their life? Why do the people who really don't have ANYTHING truly negative (illness, major financial problems, family catastrophe, etc) spend so much energy finding things to be angry about.

Walk in the door to find a family member unexpectedly dead. There's something to be angry about. That's life-changing.
Find out you have a brain tumor. Nothing will ever be the same.

But finding out that you have a test scheduled for a time that turns out to be inconvenient for you does not give you reason or the right to then be in a shitty mood for the rest of the week.
Seeing that you didn't do as well on an exam as you thought you did does not make the teacher an evil, evil person who deserves your disdain. If you're required to drive to some out of the way location to see patients with a rural doc one day, and your friend only had to go to the office across the street, it does not mean that there is a vast conspiracy against you. If something in your schedule doesn't work out the way you want it to, you can probably rest assured that it was not done simply to piss you off.

You are not that important. Psychos of the world are plotting assasinations and mass bombings. Nobody at any school where they are responsible for 300+ students in 4 years of classes is sitting at their desk in Mr. Burns fashion and plotting to destroy you by having a mandatory luncheon right at the time when you want to go grocery shopping.

This is true in general life as well. Granted, there are some lousy people in this world. Some of them really are out to get you for one reason or another. Some people just might try to destroy you or your career somehow and for some reason. This is terrible when it happens, but it qualifies as one of those life-changing things that someone has every right in the world to be pissed off about.

The dude who took the parking space that you really wanted at Wal-Mart did not arrive just at that moment solely for the purpose of ruining your day.

And if that's all it takes to ruin your day, then you need to remove the large boot that has been shoved up your ass.

I recommend a colonoscopy. Without sedative.

May 9, 2007 9:10pm

2007-05-09T20:08:00.000-05:00

Tonight I officially turned over the Internal Medicine Club to a new president and other officers. I'm a little sad because, being the micro-managing control freak that I am, it means that it's one less thing I am in charge of.

Oh well, the food at the Mexican restaurant where we went for our transition meeting was yummy. Unfortunately, there was a Mariachi band there and it made it a little difficult to talk.

I had a peach margarita, so the noise didn't really bother me much.

I've been starting my heavy board reviewing. Spent some time today at The Wild Bean, a coffee house in town, a studied for several hours. It was nice until about 4:00 when all the high school students got there and it became incredibly loud.

I'm going home to Jersey on the 25th. Yay!

May 3, 2007 2:20am

2007-05-03T01:18:00.000-05:00

So tonight I went to a first year student's house for a discussion group I joined on Complementary and Alternative Medicine (CAM). It's something I'm really interested in and have been doing quite a bit of personal research on.

My interest stems from not wanting to get sick. I've been given a shitty genetic mixture and I'd like to not end up with the miserable health problems my dad had.

I recently bought a kick ass text book called Integrative Medicine. It outlines all the standard and alternative treatments for various diseases. Unline some other CAM-related books, it has no problem citing actual studies to back up the effectiveness of treatments and also citing those studies which show no effect (or possibly a harmful one) for other treatments. I really like that it integrates what we consider traditional "western" medicine (ie drugs, surgery, etc) with alternative therapies.

But here is why this all makes for an interesting story. Remember I told you all about Nathan giving me crap about my food and recycling and all that other stuff?

Well, tonight I came face to face with what I refuse to become.

I arrived at this house to meet with our CAm discussion group. I was offered cucumber water, which I learned is just plain water with slices of cucumber floating in it. I had expected some sort of weird slurry, but was pleasantly surprised.

I was the only person who didn't take their shoes off at the door. I don't know why. I wasn't entering a mosque, so it never occurred to me that shoes were not allowed or even optional. Granted, I was wearing my Birkenstocks so that might be as close to shoeless as one can get in the Hippie world without actually not wearing shoes.

We all introduced ourselves. I was only 1 of 2 2nd year students. There were also 6 1st year students and 2 faculty members (both clinicians). Everyone gave a brief introduction to why they were interested in this topic. Some things I learned......

Birkenstocks are probably the only thing I share in common with these people
I was likely the only person in the room who has consumed meat (aka animal flesh) in the past 5 years
I was likely the only person who felt like 10 minutes of meditation felt like 3 hours of agonizing silence
Sarcasm is not appreciated by those in the free spirit community
Finding inner peace and being able to project that healing feeling onto your patients requires you to wear gaucho pants.

I will now discuss Gaucho pants. I don't like them. I don't need something to make my legs look fatter than they are. However, I was the only female there not wearing some variation of the Gaucho pant. From what I could tell, very loose fitting pants are necessary to achieve some level of Zen/Scientology/Level IV Dungeon Master excellence. The only practical reason for this that I can figure is that it makes it easier to do that meditation sitting position where your feet are crossed over the opposite thighs and you're sitting up. I don't know who popularized this barbaric position, but I bet they spent some time in Haight-Ashbury.

We meditated. I didn't sit in the funny position, but others did. Every minute or two, I opened one eye at a time and glanced around that side of the room that I could see through the corresponding eye. They were all depp in a trance except for me. It was 10 minutes, but I was just aching to say something. Maybe silence makes me uncomfortable. Maybe I was amused by the funny stomach noises coming from the guy across the table from me.

We then made a list of topics we would like to cover and determined that we would pick a new topic for each week. The vote was that next week's topic will be on the Macrobiotic Diet.

I'll keep going until I leave for the summer. It's interesting and will make for a fun social experiment. :-)

I am crazy tired right now. Goodnight.

May 1, 2007 5:44pm

2007-05-01T16:43:00.000-05:00

Had a wonderful weekend with Roger here. We went up to Buckhannon where I'm moving this summer to start my rotations. I signed the lease for my house. On the ride there and back, I educated him on some fine American music he was never exposed to. One just can't go a lifetime without hearing some Miles Davis and John Coltrane, really.

Monday night, Nathan came over to study OPP. This made for an interesting night when he saw all my new and improved organic, toxin-free stuff and the text book on Integrative Medicine that I bought.

He put his head in his hands and said, "You've gone liberal blue on me! You've gone liberal! I can't believe this."

Well, that's not true. But it was funny seeing him freak out. Especially since our friendship began in Anatomy lab when he looked over our dead body and asked, "Are you a flaming liberal?" I said no, I wasn't. From that point on, we've gotten along great.

I'm trying my best to not be annoying to others in my new green phase. I remember when everyone I knew was either on Weight Watchers or the Atkins Diet. Going out to dinner was a nightmare because they all wanted to tell me how many points my food was worth, or how many carbs I was eating. I really didn't care, and I found it annoying that someone felt the need to tell me that.

So, I'm keeping it to myself (except, of course, with Nathan, for whom it seems to be a point of irritation and, therefore, entertainment for me).

That aside, I wanted to mention a point that BBM brought up in a comment. She's right, all this crap is expensive. It sucks. I don't get it. Well, I mean, I kinda do. There's less of it and less of a demand for it so it's more expensive. The only way organic and hormone free food would become cheaper is if it became the only way to produce food. But right now, commercial farms rule the industry and they can manage to produce a massive amount of food, while smaller farms have to make less at a time.

And I don't know how a family manages to afford it. For me it's not too hard. It's just me here so the amount of food (and cleaning products, and paper products, etc) that I need to buy is rather limited. Since I pay more for the stuff, I am more conscious of what I am spending (a good thing) and I try to not let things spoil and waste (also a good thing). But I don't know how this would be managable for a family that is already counting every penny. An extra $2 for a half gallon of milk is a lot when you go through it in a day. It doesn't make that much difference when I buy a quart at a time and it takes me over a week to finish it.

It sucks, but unless there is some massive revolution in our eating and buying practices, I don't see it getting cheaper.

Just like it's really convenient for a movie star to buy a pimped out hybrid, when the average person is just hoping that the muffler on their 89 Toyota with 200,000 miles on it doesn't fall off.

April 25, 2007 11:52pm

2007-04-25T22:50:00.000-05:00

Roger is coming down this weekend to visit. Actually, he's driving down tomorrow night! Yay!

And perfect timing for me to be cranky, bloated, and just generally feeling like a PMSing bitch.

I think I have my housing situation worked out for moving to Buckhannon. Roger and I are going to take a drive up there on Saturday to check out a place that I am probably going to rent.

School is draining the life juice out of me.

Speaking of juice, my "going green" plan has started to get out of control. I did some research in the library at school on pesitcides and children. I'm having the librarian get me some articles on organic food, pesticide levels in the blood, and nutrient levels of food. I also just bought a text book on integrative medicine.

See, I'm the kind of person who can't just like something. I have to become completely obsessed with it.

April, 21, 2007 12:21pm

2007-04-21T11:19:00.000-05:00

So I have a new obsession....going green.

I'm not entirely sure why this has happened to me. Growing up, my family was always fairly anti-recycling (because of the effort), and I adopted that philosophy when I moved to a town where recycling was optional.

But I have changed. I think it's because all of the people on tv who are "green" always look so happy and healthy and peaceful. Somewhere in my mind, I associate the use of organic cotton with inner peace.

We'll have to see if it works.

Oprah had a show about this yesterday. She had guests on who talking about all the environment-friendly things that people can do. I was a little bummbed because I already do most of them, and those that I don't do require lifestyle changes that I'm just not willing to make (ie installing low flow shower heads....um...no).

I've been trying to eat organic. I buy exclusively organic dairy products (as long as I can find them) and I buy all the organic veggies I can from the rather sad selection that Kroger offers. I can't seem to find organic meat, but I'm working on that problem.

Next, I'm going to try to switch to chemical free cleaners. I found a company called Gaiam that sells all kinds of stuff like that. Some things they have are way beyond what I'm willing to try (like the toilet water sink) but I'm intriuged by composting. Mostly for the same reason that I like watching my laundry agitate in the washing machine. I like seeing stuff happen, and the idea of seeing my trash break down right in front of me gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling. It might inspire me to garden more because I'll have all that nifty fertilizer right there. I'm a bit concerned about the smell, though. Where the hell does one keep something like that?

I must get back to studying. We have an exam on Monday and I am procrastinating terribly.

April 17, 2007 10:00pm

2007-04-17T20:58:00.000-05:00

My apologies for not updating at all last week.

I went home to NJ for spring break, and I just got tied up with stuff. By the time I'd get around to checking email, I was too tired to formulate a post.

In summary:

Saw my sisters for Easter. Had a wonderful time visiting with them. I drove into NJ Thursday night after I finished at a dr's office seeing patients. I developed a severe, severe migraine Thursday morning that did not go away until about 11pm. It was the first time I ever had a migraine with an aura. I saw flashing lights about 20 minutes before the headache started. Worst one I ever had.

I rolled into NJ after midnight. By that time, my sisters had all already gotten there. Blair was staying at my house so my mom let her in. I walked in with all my stuff and a bottle of Grey Goose and some Tonic because I lubs my sistah!

Friday I had a wonderful time taking my niece, Tessa, to get a pedicure. She's 5 and when I told her where we were going she proclaimed that "My one life's wish has been granted!".

Saturday was my day to make dinner for everyone at my place. I love, love, love cooking so this was great for me. While I was on my way to the grocery store, I decided to call Roger and ask him if he would like to join us. At first, he danced around it and said he didn't want to intrude. Blah blah blah. I had shopping to do so I hung up. 5 minutes later, he calls back and asks if the offer still stands. He arrived a few hours later with flowers. He met my sisters and my mom. It all went well :-) He seemed to have a nice time.

Sunday was Easter. We all congregated at my mom's for food. We ate and ate.

Monday, Roger came down and we went out for sushi.

Tuesday....I don't remember what happened on Tuesday. Oh yes, I went to the dentist.

Wednesday I had lunch with a friend, then I drove up to Roger's place. I did some osteopathic super duper manipulation on him because he was having some back and neck problems. We went to dinner.

Thursday, my friends Ryan and Jess came to stay with me for the night on their way to Sea Isle City for a "sorry you have cancer, but here's a house at the beach for a weekend" program. It was so great to see them! I got to cook for them. Ryan and I stayed up until after 2am talking...that's when Jess came down and scolded us.

Friday evening I went to the NY International Auto Show with Roger. By dinnertime, I was feeling really sick. I had a sore throat, fever, just general nastyness. We stayed in and got some pizza. He rubbed my feetsies and then went and got me ice cream.

On Saturday, it was determined that I had strep and I started some antibiotics. Roger drove down and helped me run errands and pack my truck. I sat on my couch with a blanket and pillow.

So now here I am....back in WV.

I just want to say that the massacre at VT is just unthinkable. My campus will be holding a candlelight vigil tomorrow night at 8pm. I just can't imagine what it was like for those students going through that.

April 3, 2007 8:53pm

2007-04-03T19:50:00.000-05:00

So, it looks like my little April Fool's joke had it's intended effect.

Actually, I have to give credit to Beej for putting the idea in my head...oh about a million years ago when she made an April Fool's post to a message board with something to the effect of making cheese out of breast milk. There were other things on it, but that's the one that has stuck in my head for-ev-er. Ever since then, I've wanted to pull my own little shocking prank.

I am not becoming a lesbian. That's fine if it floats your boat, but some girls just can't live without a little dick in their life (wait, ixnay on the little part).

I am not dropping out of medical school. I haven't worked this hard for this long just to leave when I'm halfway though. Besides, I've had some experiences lately that really cemented my love of this.

And I am really, really, really not going to rent out my uterus. All of my body parts are mine and for my use only unless a family member needs a kidney or some bone marrow or something like that.

One more thing, my little joke made me start thinking about the Knot Gang. What has happened to everyone? It's hard to google them since I didn't know everyone's full names.

For those of you not in "the know", The Knot was a section on AOL for wedding planning. There's an internet version that I used in my (ahem) former wedding to douche bag planning. But before AOL jacked with their message boards it was a really cool place on there. I got to meet some of the gals from there in NYC once. I even had one stay with me in NY for a few days.

But there were also a few wackos. The occasional drive-by troll whenever schools were on breaks were common, but there were also regular wackos who proudly displayed their crazyness and then would find internet Rabbis to back up their positions. Ah, memories.

Ok, here's what I remember....
I remember someone with a name like Cowbell or Cowhearder or something like that.
I remember someone who was militant about etiquette (No you tramp! The fork goes on the left! Bitch! Whore!)
I remember a woman named Suzy. She had some weird marriage situation where she was either married to someone way younger than her or possibly way older. She took everything literally and didn't know anything about sex. Maybe it was all an act. Either way, I remember being in a private chat room with her one night trying to explain to her how to give a blow job and explaining what "Do your curtains match your carpet?" meant.
I remember internet Rabbis
I remember moist panties
I remember fishbowl centerpieces
I remember cash bars and dollar dances
C'mon girls, refresh my memory. I know there was other stuff that happened!

April 1, 2007 8:58pm

2007-04-01T19:56:00.000-05:00

I'm finally getting a chance to update everyone like I promised in my last post.

Like I said, I do have some news.

First and foremost, I've decided to leave medical school. I spent a lot of time thinking about this, and I realize now that my heart just isn't in this. The lease on my apartment is up at the end of this month, so I will be slowly moving myself back to NJ. I already notified the school that I will not be finishing the semester.

Second, I decided that to make some money while I am deciding what to do for a career, I will become a surrogate mother. I put my information up on Craigs List and have already received several inquiries. I feel like it is my obligation to rent out my uterus to childless couples. I decided that I will also make a MySpace page for this so that I can reach more people.

Third, and probably the most shocking, is that I've decided to become a lesbian. Now, I know some people say it isn't something you can just "decide" to be, but when I put my mind to something I really intend to do it. Men are just too complicated for me and I think that I really belong in the sisterhood of lesbos.

I'm really exciting about starting my new life.

March 30, 2007 7:47am

2007-03-30T06:45:00.000-05:00

I am about to run out the door to school to take my Endocrine System final.

I have much random nonsense to update on. I will do that later.

For now, I wanted to give everyone a piece of information to file under the "I could have gone my whole life without knowing that and been fine" file.

If you eat Raisin Bran and don't digest the raisins, the next day you will poop Concord Grapes.

March 25, 2007 2:09pm

2007-03-25T13:06:00.000-05:00

I am pissed today.

Last night, I went to a friend's house. The plan was to do grilling and margaritas. I was excited about this. I brought some booze, a board game, and a frizbee for the dog.

I have never been around a group of women so incapable of conversation.

If they weren't talking about how drunk they planned to get or have gotten in the past, they had nothing to talk about. They started pounding beers and mixed drinks at 4:30 and kept going until 9:30when I left (I'm assuming they continued beyond that). Around 8:30, they started the shots...going shot for shot.

Absolutely pathetic.

I just sat there annoyed at myself for wasting an entire night on this horseshit. The more I think about it, the more annoyed I get.

I find it sad that a generation of women who are smart enough to get themselves into medical school are so stupid that they can't talk about anything but drinking.

When I'm home and spending time with my friends there, I don't have this problem. The women I associate with are bright and able to talk about many different things. They don't need alcohol to have a good time, nor do they need it to be able to converse about anything.

My level of disappointment can't even be expressed in words.

March 23, 2007 7:42pm

2007-03-23T18:40:00.000-05:00

Apparently, my blogging absence has caused a stir in the square states. Mass chaos has erupted and my face is on milk cartons.

I am, indeed, okay. Just been busy. School is kicking my ass straight into next week.

To update....

Roger (eharmony dude) came down here to visit. He stayed for a weekend. We did some fun things. I took him for a drive up into the mountains. We went to dinner at the awesome restaurant in town. I got tickets for a bluegrass band concert. Mostly, we just chilled and talked.

I talk to him about every day or so. He called me today to tell me that he got a promotion. He sounded very excited. I was the first person he told.

I have become addicted to catalogue shopping. I have also developed a fetish for soaps, lotions, oils, creams, etc. I blame Maria for this. She told me about Yves Rocher and encouraged me to buy things from the DHC catalogue when it came. DHC sends you free samples in every catalogue and with every order (that's how they suck you in. It's like a drug dealer who gives you your first hit free!). Yves Rocher is insanely cheap and their stuiff smells really, really good.

My other two obsessions are also Brylane Home and The Lakeside Collection. I can't help myself. Snowmen, easter eggs, cute little decorative "accents". I need them all! The kitchen accessories are my biggest weakness. To make this all worse, QVC has all kitchen and entertaining stuff on today! Fabio help me! I already ordered a ceramic watermellon bowl.

Granted, I'm not spending an absurd amount of money on this. For the most part, I just enjoy drinking a cup of tea and leafing through catalogues of things that I have no intention of buying. It's a disease, a sickness. Maria gave it to me. I need help! Help I tell you!

I've also decided to clean out my clothing collection and replenish it with updated stuff. This, of course, includes accessories. I've been getting jewelry from Overstock.com in their Worldstock section. It's all handmade items probably made my some pygmies making $0.03/hour, and I buy the bracelet for $39.99, but at least I can say it's a handmade "unique" item. I really do like their stuff.

The jewelry and such started because I decided that I didn't have enough bling. In the 8 years that DB and I were together, he rarely bought me any jewelry. I'd ask for it for every birthday, anniversary, valentine's day, and christmas. I'd even go so far as to specifically point out in the jewelry store what I liked or email him links to things online that I wanted. What guy wouldn't be thrilled with that?! Well, I could almost count on getting none of those things.

As a result, I have very little jewelry. It just started to occur to me in the past few months that I really, really like wearing jewelry every day, not just to be dressed up. I love silver and white gold, and I want more of it. I'm an independent woman, damnit! I'm gonna buy my own bling!!

If I remember to take some pictures of my new bling, I'll show it off.

I've been really happy lately. I feel good. I feel better than I have in years, I think. I feel confident in myself. I feel good about where I'm going. I feel like I'm embarking on a life that smells nice and has a silver bracelet in it. :-)

March 2, 2007 7:57pm

2007-03-02T19:53:00.000-05:00

I sorted through my "I'll sort through this later" pile. Actually, it turned into a bag. Inside this bag, I found pens, note pads, a travel mug, and various other pharmaceutical freebies. Bonus! Gee, if I had known it would be like a shopping trip, I would have gone thought it a long time ago.

I have an exam on Monday, so I should be studying.

I'm painfully alone at the moment. It's just too quiet here. Sometimes I really hate not having a roommate, or a close neighbor who is just "there", even if we aren't interacting.

Sigh

On that note, I've made some headway in finding a place to live starting in July. After my unsuccessful attempts at getting housing information from the hospital I will be at, I asked the clinical education office at my school to help me out. I got the name of a real estate agent, and the name of some random dude who rents houses in that area. The random dude is listed on the US Pawnbrokers Association, which just seems shady to me. So I think I'll go with the real estate agency.

I was able to contact Century 21 yesterday and spoke to a very nice woman named Julie/Jane/Janice/Jenny/Jerry (I'm really, really terrible with names). I told her I was looking for a place to rent that would be no more than 2 bedrooms and that would allow me to have a pet. I told a little white lie by saying that I have a dog. I don't actually have the dog yet, but if I start making it seem like dog + me = one unit, then maybe they won't try to say "oh, well, all we can find is this one place that doesn't allow pets."

So, Julie/Janice/Jenny/Jojo told me that she doesn't have anything available right now, but she should be able to find something for me.

Moving is such a pain in the ass, but I have to do it.

March 1, 2007 10:28pm

2007-03-01T22:25:00.000-05:00

I have come to a crossroads with my hair.

Since I was about 15, I've had super short hair. My hair is naturally very very straight and very very fine. Short hair is easy to maintain and I don't have to fight with it every morning.

I haven't been able to get a haircut for a while. I am well overdue. My hair is now longer than it has been in years. I can still manage it, though.

I'm considering growing it out.

This is not an easy decision. I don't know what the short-long hair transition will require. Will I need to get it cut to get it into some sort of shape that doesn't make me look like a homeless woman? Can I just grow it out?

And once it is grown out, what if I realize it looks as terrible as I feared all along? Huh? Then what do I do?

I'm going to try and not panic about it until my bangs are in my eyes. Well, they're already in my eyes. I mean until they are covering my eyes.

I just don't know what to do with my hair!!!

February 28, 2007 7:37pm

2007-02-28T19:34:00.000-05:00

Weekend was nice. Mom visited. We did the whole mother-daughter bonding thing.

This week has been uneventful, except for that my sorry ass overcame it's needle fear and.....

Okay, that's not entirely true. After being badgered and made to feel like a piece of shit for never giving blood in my life, I went down to the blood drive being held at school today. Oh, I was chickenshit for sure. I tiptoed in, refused to sign in right away. Insisted on watching what happened to others first. After deciding that it was too humiliating to turn back, I sat down in the chair to go through the pre-blood letting process.

Turns out, my iron is too low. There is some irony (pun intended) in this because I eat a very high protein, high whole grain, high vegetable diet.

My Iron wasn't so low that I'm about to die from lack of hemoglobin or anything. In fact, it's perfvectly normal. It's just too low for the Red Cross. Whatever those vampires do with the blood lowers the iron in it so mine has to be higher.

Well shit!

At least I tried.

February 22, 2007 7:46pm

2007-02-22T19:42:00.000-05:00

Happy!

Mom is coming tomorrow. We're going to get pizza and chill tomorrow night. Saturday AM, I have a review to go to for pathology, and mom said she'd come along. 3 hours of histopathology? Hmmm.. She wouldn't rather sleep in?

I washed my Uggs tonight. It's one of those things that has been on my "to do" list for so long that I just stopped writing it each week. Well, I finally cleaned them up. There's a few more things on the forgotten "to do" list that I think I want to get on soon. First, is to get rid of all the damn cardboard boxes in my apartment. Second, I need to remove all the Internal Medicine Club junk over to the storage closet at school. Third, I need to organize my CD's, which are in a giant pile of mess right now.

I really love being able to mark things off lists. It gives me a sense of closure and completion (is that even a word?).

I also like my pill box. I only take a few prescription medications every day, but I take a load of assorted vitamins and supplements. Don't worry, I'm not mixing anything dangerous or taking anything bad. At worst, they're doing nothing. At best, I am now protected from heart disease, cancer, Alzheimers and Diabetes. My educated guess is that their true effect lies somewhere between those extremes. Anyway, I bought a pill box from Wal-Mart that has really deep compartments. This is great for me because I take some really huge pills. I have pills for Morning, Noon, Evening, and Bedtime. I am a regular senior citizen! I really feel like I have accomplished something when an entire day's worth of compartments is empty and I know I took everything I was supposed to take.

Alternative medicine and natural remedies have become my new obsession. I've always really loved preventitive medicine (ie hurry up and make the vaccine rather than pussying around with treatments), and I'm really interested in how to incorporate "alternative" medicine into that.

So, right now, I take:
1000mg of Niacin (lowers cholesterol really well and doesn't have the dangerous side effects of statin drugs....yes, this is proven. Ask your doc. He'll give you a Rx for Niacin. It's cheap, cheap, cheap)
2400mg of Omega-3 oils (Heart Healthy! And may or may not help maintain BP)
1 Multi-Vitamin with Folate (cause I don't want a kid with 3 heads one day)
400 IU of Vitamin E (antioxidant)
1000mg of Cinnamon (improves your metabolism of sugar to prevent and/or control Diabetes....yes, this is also pretty well accepted)
4 Tums/day for the Calcium

I am ALWAYS on the prowl for a new, fun vitamin to try. I get giddy when I get my JAMA and see an article about a vitamin or herbal study.

So, if you have any suggestions for how to protect myself from a meteor falling on my head by taking Vitamin A, let me know!

February 17, 2007 10:30pm

2007-02-17T22:26:00.002-05:00

An exam on Monday....

Mom is coming to visit on Friday.....

That is my upcoming week.

I have a mess of books around me. It's completely disorganized, yet I feel smarter just having them open to random pages.

For those of you who need a visual.....

Please note that the printer/scanner/copier also makes a very handy stand for my Diet Pepsi bottle. If I left it on the desk with the computer, the lamp makes it warm.

I also discovered that my shower is harboring some nasty mildew.

Another visual....

WTF is this stuff?

My shower curtain got some nasty nasty stuff growing in a fold of it.....

It got so out of hand, that it grew legs and ran out on me.....

Honestly, I'm not a slob. I don't know what happened with this bathtub, but something has gone horribly, horribly wrong.

I got some cleaner today from Wal-Mart, but it didn't remove the mildew. I can't find anything to remove mildew, just soap scum. Am I the only person in the world with the crud growing in their shower??

If anyone can identify the mystery mold, please let me know what you think it is.

In other news, I was recently informed that I must stop trying to rescue people from their own mistakes. Even when I'm seeing someone about to do something terrible to their life, I must resist the urge to swoop in, try to stop them, and then get upset when they don't listen to me.

Easier said than done. Having been through some shitty stuff, I feel like it gives my experiences some purpose if I can serve as a warning to others.

"Don't do it! He's immature! You're never going to change him."
But, he's come so far and...
"No! He's never going to change. He's always going to be an unmotivated, directionless child."
You're right. I shouldn't marry him. I need to break up with him.
::beep boop::
"What's that?"
I have a text message. Oooh, he's so sweet. He loves me soooo much!

Sigh.

On one hand, I want to warn my friends when I see disaster approaching. I want to tell them what I see in the tea leaves. I hope I can save them from the same struggles I've had.

On the other, I feel like a hypocrite. Who am I to tell someone else what does and does not make a good relationship? I cringe just thinking about someone making that connection one day and reminding me that I haven't managed to keep a relationship together successfully, so how can I tell them what to do?

I have also recently come up with a brilliantly simple business opportunity. An internet friend matching site. Just hear me out, now. It seems to me that there are hundreds, if not thousands, of internet dating sites. Eharmony, Match, Yahoo Personals, AOL Personals just to name a few. Then there are those for looking for romance within a specific race, religion, political view, occupation, or special interest.

Wouldn't it make sense to have a way to make friends this way as well? If it's so difficult to find a date, isn't it equally (if not more) difficult to find a good friendship? A pal? someone to go to lunch with?

I have looked and looked and can't seem to find any such program. It's so brilliantly simple.

Most people make friends through work, school, or their neighborhood. Well, I live around old people, I don't get along with my classmates, and I have no job right now. So, FindAPal.com would be my perfect option!

Much like my vertical hospital evacuation system idea, I'm fairly sure it is another idea that will go unnoticed until someone else makes a million dollars on it.

February 11, 2007 1:13am

2007-02-11T01:09:00.000-05:00

The idea of having to take an anti-depressant for the rest of my life doesn't scare me.

The idea of never being able to sleep like a normal person and always having to take something to sleep, however, terrifies me.

When I tell someone that I don't sleep at night or that I don't sleep well, I don't think how serious this is or how much of a problem this is for me really gets through. It sounds like a simple enough issue. Hell, there's that cute commercial with Abe Lincoln and the groundhog in it about this very problem.

But it's not all dead presidents and garden critters. I can't sleep. I can not sleep. I lay in bed until the sun comes up. I am tired, but sleep does not come. My mind is so shot that I can't do anything but lay in bed or watch tv.

Oh I do eventually get some rest. If left on my own, I would fall asleep around 9am and wake up about 3pm. It isn't just a problem of reversing my wake-sleep cycle, though. Even on days when I'm awake at 8am, I'm still not sleepy until sometime the next morning around 7 or 8.

Even when I do sleep, I don't sleep well and I feel very tired when I get up.

So, I must take my coma pill to get any sleep. The problem here is that I feel somewhat drugged.

I just want to feel like a normal person again.

February 7, 2007 12:22am

2007-02-07T00:20:00.000-05:00

Headache. Headache. Hurts!

I hate folding laundry. I love taking dirty laundry and putting it into the machine, watching the water fall onto it, putting the soap in. I even like throwing stuff in the dryer.

I hate folding laundry.

As a result, I've been living out of a laundry basket of clean, unfolded clothes.

The tricky part is that the laundry basket is in the living room. This means I have to parade around naked every morning. Good thing I live alone.

January 28, 2007 8:52pm

2007-01-27T20:49:00.000-05:00

I can't find my mother. This worries me. She's always home on Saturday nights and she isn't answering the phone. She doesn't carry a cell phone, so it's impossibl to track her down. I immediately start thinking the worst and work myself into a hissy of it.

I'm sure she'll turn up.

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about how isolated I am and how it was that way for me even as a kid and as a teenager.

Then I got Abigail, my Golden Retriever. I was 12 and full of acne and awkwardness, she was 8 weeks old and had trouble controlling her stopping when she'd slide across the tarazzo floor in my parents' house.

She was my buddy. Wherever I went, she went. Whatever I did, she did. She was a good listener and a wonderful friend. If I was upset and crying in my room, she would run and get my mom.

Abby had a few behavior "issues", though. One was that we never broke her of jumping up on people until the arthritis in her hind legs got so bad that she just couldn't do it anymore. Probably our fault. Her other problem was that she was terrified of thunderstorms. She would be a wreck, and everyone else in the house would be going crazy because she wouldn't leave us alone. If it was nighttime, she would climb into my mom's bed and try to sit on her face. Abby would get really frustrated and try to dig herself a hole in the tile or tarazzo floors in the house. She failed miserably.

We finally had to start giving her tranquilizers when the thunderstorm approached. A whole pill turned out to be too much because she was zonked out for 48 hours. We tried a quarter of a pill, but the problem there was that she was conscious enough to know there was a thunderstorm, but didn't have the physical energy to freak out. This caused her to have an anxiety attack. Ever seen a dog have an anxiety attack? It looks just like when a human has one, but there's more drool.

Half a pill seemed to do the trick.

When I first got her, we kept her in a cage when nobody was home. My friends would tell me how cruel it was that we put her in a cage, but she didn't seem to mind it. When she would get sleepy, she would just climb into it at night herself as if it was her own little apartment. When she got older we stopped using the cage and she just slept wherever she landed for the night.

For the most part, she was a good dog. But when she was really young she liked to take off any chance she got. She always ran to the end of the driveway, put her front paws in front of her to go into a sliding stop, and then turn around and run back to the house.

It became a routine. I'd come home from school, put her on her leash, open the front door and she would take off like a bat out of hell to the end of the driveway, turn around, run back to me, and we'd go for a walk down the road. I lived on a dirty road with woods all around so there was plenty of fun places to explore with her.

The one day, when she was about 6 months old, the routine changed. I came home, put her on her leash, opened the door, she took off.....and kept going.

I saw her reach the end of the driveway with no plans of stopping. She made a quick right and started running down the road. I went chasing after her and yelling "Abigail! Abigail! Come back here!". Now I was starting to worry.

I ran all the way to the end of the road and I couldn't find her. She was missing. I was in a complete panic. I started running through the woods to find her, but I didn't see her there either. I ran back to the house, thinking that maybe she found her way back there, but no such luck.

I started crying and slowly walking down the road in the direction she ran. Paw prints! I saw paw prints in the dirt! I followed the paw prints almost to the end of the road where they suddenly stopped. They stopped right where some tire marks were. Oh no! She's been dognapped!

Ran back to the house with tears streaming down my face. I called the local police department and said something like this.... "Hi...I...um...::hiccup:: I was walking my...um ::hiccup::: dog in the dirt road and she...."
Dispatcher: Oh, honey, did you lose your dog?
Me: Ye-yes.
Dispatcher: We have her here. Can you come get her?
Me: O-O-Okay. ::hiccup:::

So I took another leash of hers and walked over to the police station. I walk in the front door and the woman at the desk directs me to the back.

Now, you have to understand that I grew up in a really small town. In area, it's less than 1 square mile. The police department has 11 officers. I know all of them.

She takes me into the back where the holding cells are. Not dog cages...human holding cells. They had two holding cells. In one was a very angry looking teeanger, in the other was someone sitting in a chair, and there was Abigail laying all curled up on the cot.

She saw me and slowly got off the cot and waited at the cell door for the lady to open it. She had her head down and she walked toward me with her head down and tail between her legs but wagging nervously.

Apparently, what happened was just as she took off down the road, a police office was driving through. She managed to catch up to his car and he took her back to the police station. They didn't have any cages for dogs, so they had to put her in a holding cell. Unfortunately, both holding cells were occupied with people waiting to be processed or taken to county jail or whatever it is that happens with them. So they put her in the one cell and when the guy got up off the cot she climbed onto it and wouldn't get off. The police just gave the man a chair and declared them cellmates until I came to retrieve the Retriever.

After a long lecture on the walk home, I think she understood that running away was not acceptable.

She never even went so much as out of the back yard without someone with her.

See, and who says jail isn't a deterrent?

January 26, 2007 7:39pm

2007-01-26T19:36:00.000-05:00

Feeling a little better today. I got some new orders from the doc.

I'm starting to realize just how isolated I am here. I have a few friends, but nobody I'm particularly close to. I'm very frustrated with how my classmates act.

Wednesday night I went out to dinner with some friends. From the second we sat down in the restaurant, the conversation revolved around how quickly could they get a drink and how drunk they wanted to get. The rest of the night was just stories about toilet bowl hugging moments.

I can't deal with that shit.

So, tonight, instead of going to the "girls night" potluck dinner, I'm sitting at home feeling very annoyed that this is what I'm stuck with here.

It's lonely, and I'm miserable.

I sit here now with my glass of wine and pizza and wonder why it is that I can't communicate with my peers. The therapist says that maybe I'm just at a different maturity level than them. I think I've spent so much of my life thinking that since I'm different there must be something wrong with me, that the idea that I'm different because I've grown up more is just hard to believe.

I am lonely, though. I just want some friends to hang out with. I don't even mean I want or need a boyfriend or man in my life. I just want a buddy down here.

January 22, 2006 7:53pm

2007-01-22T19:50:00.000-05:00

I'm circling the drain. That's the best way I can come up with how to describe how I feel right now.

Made an appointment with the shrink for the end of the week.

Just feeling lousy. Keep thinking negatively. I'm so sick of this. I can't even pinpoint something that is bothering me or upsetting me. I spend an absurd amount of time worrying about things I have no control over. I worry about things that may or may not happen 5, 10, 15 or more years from now.

This has got to stop. It's keeping me from doing the things that I do have some control over.

January 18, 2007 1:15am

2007-01-18T01:12:00.000-05:00

I'm considering renaming this blog "Adventures in Insomnia Land".

Even taking the Seroquel doesn't knock me out anymore. Nothing...absolutely nothing lets me sleep.

If I could just get out of my head at night, I might be able to catch a few winks.
I've always been a night owl. Even as a little kid I stayed up late. I was never a morning person, but I got up when I had to.

This is getting a little ridiculous, though. I can't get to sleep until after 4am. I'm fine to sleep until noon or 1. Unfortunately, I have to go to class.

Tomorrow I have to go an hour away to a clinic. I'm seeing patients with a doc there from 1-5 or whenever they are finished. I love getting to see patients, but I'm afraid I'm going to forget something or miss something or not know what's wrong with them.

I guess that's why I'm a medical student, though. Eh? To learn. If I miss something or get something wrong it's the doc's job to know that and teach me. If I knew everything and did everything correctly, there wouldn't be any point in me being in medical school. I could just hang out a shingle.

Ok, I feel better about that now.

January 16, 2007 9:18pm

2007-01-16T21:15:00.000-05:00

Today was a great day, and there was absolutely no reason for it being so.

Last night was probably the worst night I've had sleeping in a long time. I finished all my school work relatively early, took a shower, got into my pj's, got comfy on the couch, took my sleep meds and waited for sleep to come.

And waited.

And waited.
And waited.

Finally got tired around 3am. Went up to bed. Read a little of my book. Laid there. Laid there. Couldn't get comfortable, but was so tired I could hardly move myself around.

Around 4am I got tired of that crap and brought my blanket and pillow downstairs. Cozied up on the couch again. Decided to be a little productive and do some board review questions, but since I was so mentally exhausted I couldn't concentrate on anything. Watched tv until 5:15am and was finally able to go to bed.

I had to get up at 8am for school. That sucked. Woke up late and tore out of here.

Now, here's what made today a great day.....

After class this morning (mandatory), I didn't just come home, roll onto the couch, and call it a day. That's what I've typically been doing lately. Or I've been just blowing off the entire morning, or the whole day. Thus leaving me home alone for more hours in the day and further perpetuating my feeling of isolation.

Nope. At noon I came home, made a quick lunch, took a shower, got dressed in a cute green skirt, a cream colored turtleneck, and my brown boots. I even put make-up on! Headed back to school for the rest of the afternoon.

Putting on nice clothes and make-up was psychological for me. It made me feel good to look good. It felt good to force myself to do something that was good for me, but not easy.

I still haven't made it back to my jujitsu class, but one thing at a time.

When I got home this afternoon, I crashed for a nap because of only having 3 hours of sleep last night. That's ok, though.

Did I mention that I started going to see a therapist? Well, I did. Going again tomorrow. I really like her. First, it's super easy to get an appointment and she has night hours which works well for my school schedule and my inabaility to be awake before noon most days.

She shoots straight with me. Doesn't spend an hour blowing smoke up my ass. In our first session, I told her my sob story of failed relationships. She was taking notes furiously and then looked up and said, "So, you're telling me you have a habit of picking men who have no balls?"

Um. I guess I do!

Time to hit the books!

January 14, 2007 8:45pm

2007-01-14T20:42:00.000-05:00

Feeling pretty much ok today. If I could get my sleeping situation under control then I might be happier. Still up every night until 4am or later, and then sleep until 1 or 2pm.

I got a new printer. It's a Xerox color laser printer, copier, and scanner. It was delivered by FedEx on Friday. Unfortunately, they delivered it to the wrong place. I ALWAYS have a problem when FEDEx or DHL deliver anything to me. They're always bringing it to the wrong house. There's an estate on the other side of the highway with the same name as the road I live on. They just bring stuff there to this house instead of to me.

So Friday afternoon I was checking the FedEx tracking web site to see where my printer was. Around 4:30 I checked and it said it had been delivered at 1:30pm. Um. No. I would have noticed a 52lb box at my doorstep. So, I called FedEx and they said they would try to track down the driver and find out where it is.

10 minutes later my phone rings. I didn't recognize the name on the caller ID, but it was a local number.

Me: Hello?
Voice: Eh, hellooooo. Is this Miss Elizabeth M---?
Me: Yes
Voice: This is Miss Hamilton's aide. We have a package here for you. It is a very large package. Miss Hamilton would like you to retrieve it as soon as possible as it is in her foyer at the moment. Me: Oh, well, um, I think FedEx is going to pick it up and redeliver....
Voice: Nooooooo, I called them. They will not deliver it until Tuesday. Miss Hamilton will not be responsible for this item. As I said, it is very large. Could you please come get it?
Me: Well, er, sure.
Voice: Ehthank you.
Me: Wait!
Voice: EhYes?
Me: Where are you?
Voice: EhMiss Hamilton's house.
Me: Ok. And that is?
Voice: The Hamilton Estate
Me: Right. Um, and how do I get there?
Voice: You drive through the gates of the Hamilton Estate, past the caboose, up the winding road, and I will be waiting for you in the driveway.
Me: Ok, see, but I don't know where that is.
Voice: The Hamilton Estate.
Me: Yes.
Voice: Ok, then we shall be expecting you?
It was my own private Who's on First. For the Love of God and all that is Holy! Please just give me an address, a coordinate, a landmark. Anything!
Me: Ma'am?
Voice: Ehyes?
Me: I'm sorry, but I'm not very familiar with the area. I need directions to get to the Hamilton Estate.
Voice:Ehyou don't know the Hamilton Estate?
Me: No
Voice: Ehwell, it's the most well known property in the area.
Me: Really? I thought that wal Wal Mart (nervous giggle)
Voice:Ehno. You must drive north on the highway and make a left at the first break in the board fence. Then follow the directions I gave you through the property.
Me: Right. Ok. I'll be there shortly.

Jumped in the truck and found the famous (infamous) Hamilton Estate. Sure as shit, there was a bright yellow train caboose and a winding road. I pulled up to a house that looked like the one that Daddy Warbucks lived in. I expected Punjab to greet me at the door and levitate the box out to me.

No such luck. The BEWARE of DOG sign at the front gates were a bit intimidating, as well as the giant steel H's in the gates. I parked the truck and met the aide at the front door. The dog that I was supposed to beware of turned out to be a French Poodle. Ooooh, scary.

At this point, I'm thinking that the scene is just too unreal. I had just walked into a scene from Great Expectations. I was sure there would be an old woman in a wedding dress sitting at a dining room table, staring at a rotting wedding cake. Behold my future!

The aide helped me get the box outside and into my truck. She also asked that I please tell FedEx to stop delivering my packages to them. Sure, because I have so much control over that. You'd think that after the driver has had to retrieve packages from there at least 3 or 4 times now he/she would get the point. Guess not.

Got the printer all set up and I'm quite pleased with it.

At least I also got a good story out of it.

January 12, 2007 2:49am

2007-01-12T02:46:00.000-05:00

Friday. It's Friday.

And I'm still awake.

I'm watching Superman Returns. Not bad. Superman has a bastard son. Gotta love it! I want a Superman. No, actually I want Clark Kent. I want the dorky looking hottie who lives and breathes for me. I don't like how this movie ends. Superman and Lois should be together and raise their little bastard son like a real American alternative family. Geez.

In the mean time, I want a dog. I really, really, really want a dog. I had one when I was a kid. Her name was Abigail. I miss Abigail. I think about her a lot now, when I'm here alone and I just want a hug. Abby was always good for that. She was also a very good listener. Abby was a golden retriever. She had the softest hair, and the sweetest face.

So, I'm moving out of here in June and heading to a different town where I will start my 3rd year rotations. My mom is going to help me with the move since I'll also be studying for boards then. She agrees that a priority for me is to find an apartment that will let me have a dog. I'll be moving back to NJ for part of June to take my boards, so I might get one while I'm home from one of the shelters there. That way, the dog can get used to me spending long hours studying. PErhaps he or she can quiz me on topics? Well, that might be asking a bit much. I want a medium sized or big dog...like Abby was. Something I can get my arms around and hug and play with on the floor. I already have a name picked out. Socrates for a boy dog. Antigone for a girl dog.

For Christmas, my mom got me a stuffed dog. She even attached a Christmas card to him that reads, "Please give me a name. When you decide to get one of those smelly, panting, shedding things that cost a fortune at the vet, please don't forget about me. And remember, if you can't have the dog you love, love the dog you have. From _(name to be determined)_". I named him Plato.

I think having a buddy like that again will be good for me.

January 10, 2006 3:11pm

2007-01-10T15:07:00.000-05:00

Writing early today.

The last few days have been sort of difficult for me. Not sure why. Just feeling low. Frustrated by the mess here, but I did spend some time putting things away and doing laundry.

I hate that I spend whole days being unhappy. I don't want to look back on my life and feel like I wasted a lot of time being miserable for no reason.

Sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm sad, sometimes I don't know how I feel. The whole thing just pisses me off.

I'm mad that I miss stuff about people who have hurt me. I'm mad that I miss the way the douche bag knew how to fix things...cars, the house, stereo. I'm mad that I miss finding things at the grocery store for him that he'd like. I'm mad at how I used to have fun with him no matter where we went or what we did. I'm mad at how mike and I used to such good friends, and now he's just gone with no reasonable explanation. I'm mad that I've had people in my life who I was good to and they treated me like shit and I didn't deserve it, but they tried to turn it on me to make themselves feel better.

I miss going to wall speedway and watching the races on saturday nights. I miss having someone to watch the race with me Sunday afternoon. I miss having a buddy who I could share stupid stuff with.

Ok, now I feel better.

On to nicer things. did I mention what eharmony dude #2's name was? Well, it's Roger. I think I must have had an odd tone in ym email to him yesterday, because this morning I had an email from him with the first line being "You sounded down, are you OK?" Shit, he's onto me. I'm a nut.

I just don't get excited about anything anymore. I need something to look forward to. Any ideas?

January 8, 2007 1:25am

2007-01-08T01:21:00.000-05:00

Back down in WV.

The drive was, of course, miserable because I hit the same rain that I had driving home two weeks ago. I hate driving in the rain. I think I actually prefer snow.

Unpacked the truck, but can't seem to pull myself together enough to unpack completely. All of my stuff is in the living room. A constant reminder of how lazy I am.

I called dude #2 while I was driving home. Had a nice long chat with him.

He really is a very nice guy.

But I'm still keeping my options open and emailed back some of my match and eharmony people. Dude #2 is currently in the lead. I like the way he lights up when I talk. I like how he is interested in the things I have to say.

Classes start tomorrow morning. I'm getting more and more tired of getting up in the morning and going to class. My attention span isn't that great, so I tend to lose interest about 10 minutes into class and start thinking about something else.

I got a Cuisinart food processor for Christmas. This thing is awesome! It does the typical food processing stuff, plus it works like a salad shooter by slicing vegetables up and also grating things like cheese.

I made some fab salads while I was home. I brought it down here with me so I can make all those things here. Briefly considered becoming a vegetarian, but decided that a new appliance is a bad reason to make a life choice like that.

Hope I can sleep well tonight. Feeling a little anxious about being here. Drowsy, but not sleepy. Having a TV in my bedroom at home helps because I put the sleep timer on and I fall asleep to the television. I don't have that here so I need to be about to drop before I hit the bedroom.

Go back to the therapist on Wednesday. I'm actually looking forward to that.

That's all for now!

January 5, 2006 2:06am

2007-01-05T02:02:00.000-05:00

So, date #2 with eharmony dude #2 happened tonight.

I had him come down to where I live. I felt he was safe enough. So we went out for sushi, I showed him the area, and then we came back to my house to open a bottle of wine and play some pool.

The evening went well. I had a good time.

He wants to see me again, but I don't think I can really pull that off since I'm leaving Sunday morning and I still need to pack and run some errands.

He smells good. Really good.

December 31, 2006 10:41pm

2006-12-31T22:37:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year! It's the last few hours of 2006.

My biggest challenge with every new year is remembering to write a new number on checks.

Okay, I wasn't going to say anything......

but......

I had a date last night.

Yes, a real date. A real live date. Like the kind of date that real grown-ups go on. Not like in high school where someone says "Will you go out with me?" and it means that you are boyfriend/girlfriend, but no actual dating occurs right away. And not the kind of dating where you're friends for a long time and then suddenly have a long passionate kiss while fireworks go off in the background.

This was a real date with someone I don't know very well.

Eharmony dude #2 to be exact.

Before I go into the details, I just want to note that on Dick Clark's/Ryan Seacrest's New Years Rockin Eve, many people in Times Square are standing there holding these large, red phallic looking objects. WTF is up with that?

Anyway, now the good stuff....

We had talked on the phone a few times and we were both eager to meet in person for a while now. So we decided that Saturday would be the day. He offered to drive down near where I am in NJ (he lives about an hour and a half north of me in NJ), but I wanted to meet halfway because if I didn't like him I would feel bad that he came so far.

He mapped out where halfway would be and suggested that we meet at the Menlo Park mall in Edison, NJ. I met him at Barnes and Noble at 5:00 last night. He greeted me with a hug. I was starving, so we went next door to the Cheesecake Factory. Of course, it was an hour wait. That gave us time to talk, though. Conversation was great. He laughed at all my jokes. Asked lots of questions about me. Dinner was great.

Then we went for a walk in the mall and to get some coffee. Sat at Starbucks and talked for a while longer. We got kicked out when the mall closed. He walked me to my truck.

And he ain't a bad kisser either. :-)

Ok, he did say something really sweet. He said the he thinks I am a beautiful and amazing woman and he wants to get to know me better.

And, like I said, ain't a bad kisser either. I gave him one good one. He came back for 3 more, but just got pecks.

Oh I'm so good!

December 29th, 2006 8:18pm

2006-12-29T20:12:00.000-05:00

Today was my mom's birthday. We got a limo, went to lunch at the Highlawn Pavillion, and took a trip down memory lane...errrr.....my mom's old neighborhood she grew up in. My two aunts came with us. It was a nice day.

So today I've been thinking about New Years resolutions.

My first is to stop binge eating late at night. That's when my anxiety level is the highest and I tend to binge at night on whatever crap I can get my hands on.

Number two: Don't be afraid to get help when I need it.

Number three: Be more assertive (that's what the therapist told me to say).

Number four: Go back to jujitsu class and let out some of that anger in a more productive way

Number five: pass my boards that I'm taking this summer.

I'm taking my board exam this summer. It's the first of three exams to get my license. It is in the best interest of all my friends to help me pass these tests because if I get my license I can write prescriptions!

Number six: Calm the fuck down! Stop worrying about stuff I have no control over. Stop worrying about tomorrow, or, as the therapist says, "Stop borrowing trouble."

I think that's enough for now.

December 28, 2006 1:33am

2006-12-28T01:29:00.000-05:00

I hope everyone had a very very Merry Merry!

Mine was fabulous. Did tons of cooking. I had a blast. My family is apparently very picky when it comes to food, so with each course I got to hear "Oh, I don't eat that, but it looks good."

I should've shoved a salad fork up someone's ass.

That was the only bright spot. I hosted Christmas Eve dinner at my house so I got to use all the fancy utensils I had. Christmas Day was at my mom's, but I did the cooking there too.

I got a cuisinart food processor, a wusthof sankotu knife, some pajamas, and some gift certificates.

Now I have to start dieting because I ate too too much.

Being back in NJ makes me happy. I feel good right now. I feel like myself again. Ugh, I wish I could do the rest of this year from this house.

December 18, 2006 2:16am

2006-12-18T02:11:00.000-05:00

Someone today told me that I should smile more. How does this look?

When I was a kid, I never showed my teeth when I smiled. The reason is because when I was in kindergarden, we got pictures taken at school and my grandmother didn't like how mine came out.

She didn't like them because my teeth were showing in the picture and she thought the pictures could be better. We went back to the photographer and he redid them. She even showed him a picture of me (taken by a photographer) from when I was 3. No teeth showing, but it was one of those smile/giggle smiles that you can really only do well when you're little.

I remember on our way over to the photographer, she reminded me over and over not to show my teeth in the picture. She made me practice a few times before we went just how I was going to smile.

The photographer didn't understand what was "wrong" with the pictures, but he retook them anyway. He kept telling me to smile bigger, but I was scared to because my grandmother was standing right there watching.

I had new, toothless pictures taken and all was well with the world.

Forever and ever after that, I always thought that teeth should not be shown in pictures. In fact, I thought they shouldn't be shown at all. Add to that the fact that I was very self conscious about the gap between my two front teeth. Whenever I smiled, I was always careful to keep my teeth covered. Sometimes I would slip up and smile really big, but then I'd remember the "no teeth" rule and retract it a bit.

But today, someone told me I should smile more often.

So here it is. What do ya think?

December 16, 2006 2:42am

2006-12-16T02:37:00.000-05:00

The good, the bad, and the stuff I'm not sure about....

Let's start with the good: One more week of school and I'm done for Christmas break. I gave a lecture this week on Wednesday on disaster preparedness in hospitals. I did it at lunchtime. Had a lot of people there! I forgot how much I enjoyed doing that kind of work. Made me really happy to see so many people interested. It's been especially gratifying to have not only classmates, but also faculty come up to me and tell me how much they enjoyed it and how informative it was. And I wrote it all by meself! Well, mostly. I had some stuff left over from old lectures. But still, it was mostly me!

All of my Christmas shopping is done. I just have to wrap everything and I'm set.

I made an appointment to get my back "worked on" next week on Thursday by one of the docs from school. I've had chronic lower back pain since I was...oh...16. Went to an orthopedic surgeon, x-rays showed nothing, went to physical therapy. Nothing worked. I've just lived with it. It's always bad, but periodically gets worse. I haven't been able to sleep on my back in years. I can only sleep on my side with my hips flexed 90 degrees. If I stand up straight or sit up straight it hurts. The most comfortable position for me is curled in the fetal position, or (if sitting) shoulders slumped over so that my back is rounded out. This puts strain on my upper back...and a vicious cycle ensues.

Yes, yes, I know it isn't a very big deal and I shouldn't bitch. but I'm excited that I took the initiative to get some help with it. After a year and a half of osteopathy, I was able to diagnose myself. The pain has been getting worse the last few weeks so I'm excited to get it fixed!

The bad: Having a lousy night for no particular reason. Maybe I'm a little overwhelmed. I don't know. Been getting upset out of nowhere a lot lately.

Bachelor #1 turned out to be a little strange. Last time we spoke, he told me this story about his abusive father and how he would threaten the neighbors with a bat. And then how the dad shot a dog with a pellett gun one day for pooping on their lawn. I abruptly ended the conversation and haven't returned his 2 calls since. I feel bad, I really do, but I was just creeped out.

The stuff I'm not sure about: As much as I want to get out of here, I'm not sure how I feel about going home for christmas. Last Christmas, New Years, and the weeks after were just so shitty for me. I'm really not looking forward to reliving it.

I found a therapist in town. Well, I didn't find her, I was told about her. The first few therapists the shrink recommended to me were no good. The first only had office hours 1 day each week and I was in school during they time they were available. The next string of therapists were um...well...ministers. Now, I have no problem with ministers. If I was having a spiritual crisis, a priest or minister would be a logical place for me to turn. But this is different. I realize that they have training as therapists, but they do strictly faith based therapy. I'm sure that's just fine for some people, but I really don't want that. So, he told me about this woman in town. After procrastinating for a month, I finally called her. We played a bit of phone tag and actually connected today. I have an appointment for Monday afternoon. Not bad! While I know I won't suddenly be my normal stable self in 1 session, maybe she can give me some ideas of how to survive the following two weeks. :-/

I put this under the "not sure how I feel about it" category because I'm really not sure how I feel about doing this. It was hard enough for me to walk into the shrink's office. Then sitting in that waiting room thinking that I didn't belong there. Now I have to tell my story all over again to someone new, but she isn't going to hand me a bottle of pills so how am I going to feel any different?

And then there's Bachelor #2. Things with him are still going well. We've talked a few times on the phone and he emails regularly. Very sweet to always remember when I have a test and wishes me luck. He wants to get together when I'm home for Christmas.

And there is a plethora of men on match, but the ones I like don't like me and the ones who like me are....strange.

I don't get it.

December 3, 2006 2:08am

2006-12-03T02:03:00.000-05:00

Call it "playing the field", call it "taking a chance", call it "wow, you're a pathetic loser". Call it what you may, but I decided to enter the online dating world.

Actually, I did it a while ago, I just didn't say anything.

My first venture has been into eharmony. The creepy guy on tv who owns it finally brainwashed me into shelling out the money for it.

It took me 3 days to fill out the 7000 question profile.

In the past two months since I've been on it I have been matched with over 300 people.

A large majority of them never bothered to pay for the service. This means that they can never actually communicate with me.

Of what was left, some closed me out because I am too far away (I am trying to find someone inNJ) and some closed me out for an unknown reason. I am assuming I'm just not hot enough.

From those that were left, I recently started communicating by email and phone with 2.

We will call them Bachelor #1 and Bachelor #2 for short.

Bachelor #1 seemed like a nice enough guy. We had quite a bit in common. He lived not too far from me. But.......he seemed a little....boring. Maybe he was just nervous the first few times we talked. Maybe he doesn't ALWAYS talk about the same things over and over. So we went out while I was home. Apparently, he DOES ALWAYS talk about the same topics over and over (military life, military history, and sci fi shows). I'm a sucker for a soldier, but even I can handle this. Then, when we spoke last night he started going on about these very strange stories about his father that just made me really uncomfortable. Got to cut that one loose.

Bachelor #2 I only talked to on the phone for the first time tonight. He is very bright, much less nervous than #1, has a good sense of humor, and he has the ability to switch between topics in a conversation. I didn't want to slit my wrists after 2 hours on the phone, so that was a good thing! He's had a very interesting life. Grew up in Egypt. Speaks 3 languages, has an MBA, wants to meet up while I'm home for Christmas.

I just keep reminding myself to keep an open mind and enjoy whatever good experiences come my way.

If I repeat that over and over enough I just might start to believe it.

November 27, 2006 1:08am

2006-11-27T01:10:00.000-05:00

My sincerest apologies for not updating sooner. The renal system really kicked my ass and I was on lockdown studying every night. Then, I don't have wireless internet at home and I really can't me expected to sit at an uncomfortable desk and update my blog! Now that I have returned to WV I can properly update the blog from the comfort of my couch.

Now...without further delay.....

Oh yes folks, it's that time of year again!

MY BIG FAT THANKSGIVING DINNER

Once again, it was time for a festive Thanksgiving celebration at my uncle Ray's house. Ray has a stronghold on Thanksgiving because his in-laws insist on being in bed by 4pm. Therefore, we must have Thanksgiving dinner at 11:00am every year. There is no watching the Thanksgiving Day parade in my family, there is no afternoon of football, there is no collection of women in the kitchen complaining about their husbands. We sit down to dinner at 11:45am, quietly, with our legs crossed at the ankles. There is no music because that might disrupt someone's digestion. Conversation is limited to politics, work, or me.

Yes, I am the center of attention. Why? Well, because I am the youngest at the table by 30 years.

As such, I am still considered to be the child. This is now made even worse by the fact that I am no longer engaged so there is no husband in my immediate future. Therefore, I am a child and am treated as such.

In years past, the guest list was longer. It always included my parents, uncle ray and his wife, my aunt joanne and her husband, ray's decrepidly old in-laws, my grandmother, my great uncle, my great aunt, ray's wife's aunt, some really old friends of the in-laws, and a friend of my uncle's who he knew since childhood.

Typically, I was seated next to Erma, the incredibly old friend of the decrepidly old in-laws. She would always tell me that it was about darn time I stopped worrying about all this school non-sense and finally got myself a husband. "Men don't like smart women!" she would tell me. She also had very hairy legs for a woman in her 90's. You'd think that by then all hormonal activity would have stopped so body hair would no longer be an issue. She enjoyed telling us about her home health aid and how well this woman washed Erma's crotch.

Anyone want some gravy?

Erma died sometime in the past few years. One down!

The decrepidly old in-laws also kicked it somewhat recently. They were alcoholics, which as entertaining as that condition can be in young people it is twice as much fun in people who are over 80. As of they weren't unsteady enough on their feet, they would always end up sloshed before dessert. I think their true reason for wanting to be home before 4pm was that the DUI checkpoints don't start until at least 8.

Two more down!

Then there was my great aunt, my grandmother, and my father. All of them died in the past few years. Three more gone. That makes 6.

Of ray's in-laws....all of them and their friends are gone. That takes us down an extra 3. In total, nine dead.

That leaves my mom, ray and his wife, joanne and her husband, my great uncle, ray's friend Rich, and me. Eight people.

Nine dead. eight remain. More people have DIED in my lifetime than are still present at the Thanksgiving table.

But I'm a glass is half full kind of girl. You see, when we were a larger group, there wasn't really enough room for me. Since I was the "kid", I was always given a foot stool to sit on because there weren't enough chairs. This was a bit of a novelty for me when I was 9, 10, 11 years old but it quickly lost its appeal when I was 18, 19, 20 years old. I was much bigger than some of those old farts. One of the 90 pound grannies should have sat on the little stool. I need a real chair!

Then there was the silverware problem. There weren't enough regular dinner forks so I was always given a salad fork. I was forced to eat thanksgiving dinner with a salad fork. Why not just give me a spork and make it more challenging? After all, I have to balance my ass on a tiny little foot stool anyway. Give me an inapropriately small eating utensil, a foot stool to balance on, a fraction of a corner of the table to use and I'll give you my very own version of a Thanksgiving Cirque du soleil!

But we have lost so many over the years. No, surely, there will be enough room for me. I will finally get to eat with a real fork. I will finally have a real place at the table.

Nay.

I walk into my uncle's house to see that instead of the dinner table being set, it is instead the kitchen table that has been dressed with the giant ceramic turkey decoration and candlesticks.

It is a lovely kitchen table. It seats 6 people in a rectangle. There were exactly 6 places set. You see, for the past few years I have celebrated Thanksiving alone with the douche bag. I made a Thanksgiving dinner just for the two of us. Very romantic.

Well, apparently my family forgot that I am now the lonely spinster so I will be coming to family dinners again.

I was left out of the count. Forgotten. Dismissed. Ignored.

Never fear, there can always be extra room for another in our family!

Why not just move to the dining room? Well, that is complicated by the fact that their dining room is being redone so unless you can hover over furniture there is no way to even get into that room.

The footstool, my old friend, was brought out of the closet.

I did get to eat with a real fork this time, but I had to drink my wine out of a water glass because wine glasses come in sets of 6, not 7.

So I tried my best to enjoy dinner....

And then it started....

First it was my aunt, "Well, my friend Barbara's daughter got pregnant! and now she's living with the father of this child. What an embarassment!"

and her husband, "Well, that will never work. Living in sin, as well all here know, dooms a relationship."

I tried not to choke.

I looked at my mother, hoping she would change the subject and rescue me.

But before she had a chance, my great uncle decided it was time for his analysis of the world, "Well, ya know, those God damn n---ers just keep stealing from us. They can't be trusted, the n---ers. All f--s they are!"

I have never been so relived to hear him start that shit.

Before dessert, we had covered living in sin, unwed mothers, race relations (to put it nicely) and some reminiscing about all those who are no longer with us.

Happy holidays!

November 12, 2006 12:14am

2006-11-12T00:15:00.000-05:00

I haven't been able to fall asleep like a normal person for months. I finally got some awesome stuff from the psychiatrist, but I need more.

Like a very responsible person, I called his office before I ran out. I listened patiently to the menu "push one for appointments....". I pressed 2 for prescription refills. I got an answering machine telling me to leave my information and the prescription will be called in. If I do not hear from them in 48 hours, that means the prescription was called in and I can go pick it up.

"Hello. My name is Elizabeth ------. Dr. E gave me Seroquel to help me sleep. Can you please have him refill my prescription at the Wal Mart pharmacy? I take 25mgs. My number is -------. Thank you."

That was Wednesday. Today is Saturday. I am out of drugs. I went to Wal Mart....no prescription. His office is closed and so I left a message with his answering service. Still haven't heard anything.

I will call again on Monday. This time, I might say something like....

"Hey. This is Bitchy Crazy Liz. I called last week. Never got my prescription filled. Never got a call explaining if there was a problem. Never heard anything from you. I haven't slept in several days. I think it is beginning to really have a negative....did you say something? Hello? No, I won't do that so stop asking me! I'm trying to leave a message. Now be quiet. Anyway, I was saying that I think my lack of sleep has been bad for my.... Okay, enough already! Stop interrupting me :::BEEEEEP::::"

Seriously. Why is it when I ask for help, I can't seem to get it?

I found an online depression support group. That has been interesting. Some of the people are similar to me. And then there are some who I think like being depressed. It's who they are. They like the attention. They live for chat rooms and chat room hugs ((((((((insert name of attention seeker here))))))))). They injure themselves and do impulsive crap like cut off all of their hair and then flip out if you say their trigger word in the chat room...which can be anything from sex to canary.

I guess I shouldn't be so judgmental, but I really feel like some of them don't bother to work or really take care of themselves because it requires effort- and it's difficult. Life isn't easy for anyone. Well, maybe it's easy for Paris Hilton, but it isn't easy for most people. You go to work and pay your bills as long as you're physicially able because it's the responsible thing to do, not because it's fun or easy. They can't handle the stress of real life and don't seem to want to even try to get over that. They're happier sitting at home and collecting a disability check or some sort of handout- all while complaining that they don't have any money or have a hard time paying for their meds. Or, even better, they go on and on about the new computer or camera or cell phone or mp3 player they just bought, and then bitch that they don't have the $100 a month that their medications cost.

Well shit. Maybe we should prioritize. That $500 camera you just bought would have gotten you 5 months of your meds. Maybe in those 5 months you could have found yourself a job and made some more money so you could continue to pay for the drugs. Or you might even get lucky and find a job with health insurance and a prescription plan. Hey, here's an idea...since you obviously have psychiatric issues that need to be handled- why not make it a priority to find a job with health insurance and prescription plan?

Oh, but don't take that the wrong way! I don't mean hold out for that absolutely perfect job. Don't use that as an excuse for not working. "I'm not working right now because I got laid off from my job 6 years ago and haven't found a job that is exactly the same as my old job, but pays more. So, obviously I can't go back to work until I find the ideal situation."

Then there are others who want to be better. They want to function like a "normal" person, but can't. They try, though. God knows they try every day. I admire that. Some are much worse off than I am and need much more support than I do.

I should learn to be more patient with people.

I'll start tomorrow.

November 11, 2006 1:24am

2006-11-11T01:25:00.000-05:00

I'm doing much better, thank you.

I'm sure it has something to do with the 1/3 of a coconut custard pie that is sitting in my lap right now.

There is something sort of comforting knowing that I can eat 1/3 of a pie when a month ago I wasn't eating anything for days at a time. I feel like I'm making progress. Maybe next month I'll be able to down a quart of ice cream in one sitting.

Right around the age of 17, I started taking birth control pills because I had periods that lasted roughly 18 days. That was obviously unacceptable and the problem was taken care of.

One wonderful effect of the BCP's was that my acne finally cleared up.

Ever since then, I have had really nice skin. Yes, I don't mind saying it. I exfoliate regularly. I am obsessed with Clinique products. I have fabulously smooth and clean skin. I never ever have a breakout on my face anymore.

I specify "on my face" because it seems that pimples have found new and exciting locations to sprout up in. Some especially memorable ones: in my ear, on my butt, in the crease of my leg where my inner thigh meets the rest of my body, in my nose, on the back of my neck in my hairline.

Now, these aren't like the normal pimples I always got on my face as a teenager. These zits are massive and exquisitely painful. The ones in my nose even make it hurt to breathe.

All I have to say about this is... WTF? A zit in my ear? My EAR! It's an ear! Why does a zit feel the need to sprout up in my ear? What can it possibly accomplish? And the one in the crease of my leg? I was sure that was a tumor at first.

So how does one handle something like this? Is there a Clearasil made specificially for those persistent ass pimples? And how exactly can I get some Noxzema in my ear without causing hearing damage?

I swear, if it's not depression, it's poorly placed acne. I just can't win.

November 10, 2006 2:23am

2006-11-10T02:25:00.000-05:00

This entry isn't going to make a lick of sense. Just think of it as one of those freestyle slam poetry things. Then it will be "artsy", not "incoherent".

So late. Can't sleep. Ran out of the awesome coma pills. Need to go to Wal Mart tomorrow. If my prescription didn't get called in as promised I'm going to be kicking some ass.

The later it gets, the worse I start to feel. I get more upset. Anxiety gets worse. Should I just tough it out, or go back to see the shrink? I don't want to walk around in a drugged haze. If I'm ok 90% of the time, shouldn't I just learn to deal with the remaining 10%?

Angry. Fucking angry.

And just shut up. Stop complaining. I"m tired of hearing your complaining. I'm talking to you, yes, you who is always moody over the dumbest little things. You who can't just accept what life has to offer and appreciate what you have in front of you. Stop complaining and do what you need to do to get through this.

Shit. I could be talking to myself.

I talk to myself a lot.

How am I supposed to get through this depressive episode alone?

November 5, 2006 9:43pm

2006-11-05T21:44:00.000-05:00

Friday night I went out to the Bowling Alley/Bar with some friends.

Here are two things I learned:
1)Jagermeister = horrible, horrible hangover
2)I am not capable of socializing like a normal person.

The first needs little or no explanation. I wasn't even drunk on the stuff! The second.....

There were these two guys in the back of the bar playing pool beside us. I thought they were interested in Jess and Connie because, well, Jess and Connie are adorable and these guys were hot. Well, no it was me they wanted, or at least one of them did.

So, we got to talking. The especially hot one was named Thomas and he was a marine- now in the reserves. Works at a federal prison nearby. Very nice guy. Asked me about school and where I was from.

Then I freaked out. I went to the bathroom with Jess and burst into tears. Obviously, I'm not ready for this kind of situation and I fell apart. I went outside to get some air. Jess and Maria came out to calm me down. They offered to go tell him to back off, but I didn't want them to do that. I can handle my own problems.

We went back inside and Thomas hung out with us for the rest of the night. I danced with him. I think he could tell I was distancing myself from him, so he didn't ask for my number. When we left he turned to me and said, "Goodnight, beautiful girl."

I know. Let's all say it together, "Awwwwww".

It could have been much worse. He could have been drunk and vulgar.

So here was a perfectly nice guy and I couldn't handle it.

It's ok, I learned something about myself.

I've also never met someone in a bar before, so that kind of made me uncomfortable too.

But more importantly, I'm pissed at myself for becoming "that woman". That woman who cries in bars. That woman whose girlfriends have to help her fix her mascara. That woman who needs her friends to help her socialize because she can't seem to handle it herself.

Argh!

October 31, 2006 11:49pm

2006-10-31T23:50:00.000-05:00

I went over to Maria's place tonight for dinner and to hang out with the girls before they went off to the halloween party (that I refused to participate in).

We had some interesting conversations.

Why to intelligent, attractive women stay in bad relationships that are doomed? Why set themselves up for problems? Why be with men who treat them so badly?

It makes me sad.

But somewhat comforted. At least I'm not the only one.

I know better now, though.

I've been getting to sleep every night and that has been just wonderful!

But the pills I have are 50mg and I take 25mg. This would be much easier if the pills were scored, but they aren't. so I end up with a little pile of dust and crumbs when I cut it. Then I'm trying to make a little pile of the dust and crumbs and figuring out the best way to consume it.

I look like a coke head with my little pile of white powder.

Tomorrow is another day.